Hi all,

Yesterday I very sadly came to the end of a deeply loving 7 year relationship. Looking back, for most of the relationship I suffered from what I believe was ROCD but what at the time I worried was "just a gut feeling". I have a tendency to over-think and search for unattainable certainty on important life decisions and I think 5 years of long distance also played havoc a bit with my attachment/commitment.

Regardless, 3 months ago all my doubts, fears, and inability to commit/discuss the future came out and so we went on a break to give me space to figure stuff out. It took me 3 months to realise that, at it's root, it was ROCD (or something approaching it) that was underpinning this all and that I deeply love and respect and want a long term future with my gf/ex.

I desperately want to begin a new relationship with her whilst I work through the ROCD but sadly the damage has been done and she can no longer expend emotional energy on someone who could not commit even after 7 years.

Now you've the context (and I've sufficiently vented to Reddit strangers), I guess I have 2 questions:

1) For large swathes of the relationship, whilst suffering from the doubt, fear and compulsive checking and assessing, I also buried quite a lot of this deep down. Can it really be ROCD if I could bury/repress some of these feelings? Surely with ROCD that's impossible to do.

2) How can one work on their ROCD from outside a relationship?

I ask this last one because, whilst I have perhaps foolish hope for getting us back together, I recognise I'll suffer from this habit/ROCD with any new person so want to address as much before beginning something again.

Thanks

Why don't we kiss so little? Why do I think I get bored of making sex? What if I feel like he's a friend? What if my feelings have simply vanished?

This week has probably been my worst for breakup thoughts. I cried on my way to work on Monday which is so rare for me to cry these days and I spent the day anxious and down that I would have to break up with my partner because of these thoughts.

For the past 2 days, ive felt nothing. When I get thoughts of breaking up, I dont cry, I dont panic, it doesnt feel urgent, its just there. Which is obviously quite distressing because ultimately I don't want my relationship to end. Its so hard because I keep seeing so much on social media about breakups and 'your body knows before your mind does' about when to break up and i cant help but feel like if I was genuinely happy I wouldnt be having these thoughts. BUT then I met up with him last night and had a nice time. He's so safe to me. I care so much about him and just hugging him and being with him brings me comfort. But I do still have thoughts with him, sometimes loud sometimes not. Its so contradicting to have a nice time with him then as soon as im home convinced I need to leave him. I dont even understand why anymore.

I really dont know how I can have a happy long lasting relationship if this is what im feeling 6 months in. Does anyone have any advice?

I’m not even sure if I have ROCD, yet I already feel anxious that I actually do—and that I’ll never be able to handle it and will lose my boyfriend. Is it even possible to be completely cured of it?

This is going to be long because it’s really hard to explain but if anyone could read this and help me or give me advice I’d really appreciate it. I’ve been completely debilitated the past two days with severe anxiety and I can’t tell if it’s ocd or if it’s actually an issue.

So in the past I had a huge crush on my bf brother, to the point I fed it so much in my head and was emotionally cheating just on my side (his brother was not aware) and i was dressing up for him, finding excuses to talk to him, texting him to have excuses to talk, etc. constant fantasizing and feeding the crush, and then it ended and I told my bf EVERYTHING a year ago and we still stayed together. I’m so grateful that he gave me another chance because I truly feel so much remorse for it and would never do that again and definitely learned my lesson. Flash forward to nowadays I am still attracted to his brother but have extremely strict boundaries in place and I know my ocd is apart of it. I completely avoid him like COMPLETELY. To the point it gives me anxiety being in the same room as him. I ask my bf to go with me everywhere around his house so that I’m never alone with his brother. I do not talk to him, I do not dress up, I completely don’t do anything I did before, but recently for the past two months maybe more I keep having a constant feeling that if his brother initiated that I would cheat. Every time I picture it it feels like I would cheat with him and I’m so worried. It doesn’t go away. It’s like I can see myself doing it if he initiated and it’s not going away. I also sometimes have a fantasy like thought about it voluntarily but then I’ll immediately push it away, but i enjoyed the thought and had it on purpose but then immediately push it away. This cheating feeling like I’d cheat if he initiated had always been a passive thing the past couple months and I’d always try to tell myself I wouldn’t act on it no matter what but it felt like I was lying to myself or something. And it’s to the point I avoid his brother because I don’t trust myself around him because of h this constant feeling like I’d cheat if he initiated. Then two days ago I imagined him texting me and confessing his love to see how I feel, and it felt like I’d be tempted and feel like I’d be “missing out” on being with him if he texted me and rejected him. I kept trying to tell myself I would act on my values anyways and reject him immediately (he would never even text me by the way. We NEVER speak EVER. And I like keeping it that way). But that “missing out” feeling wouldn’t go away. Then the day before yesterday I got a trigger, I got upset with my bf over something and afterwards I started thinking maybe I’m having these thoughts because I’m unhappy with him and it’s not ocd. And I completely spiraled because it felt like it was true, and that the whole time I was just emotionally cheating even though I was pretty much always trying to reject the thoughts. So I completely spiraled. The next day (yesterday) I spent time with my bf and we sorted things out and we had an amazing day, I felt better and like I could disregard this anxiety, but then last night I was still very anxious about why I kept feeling like I’d have that feeling if his brother texted me, and then the AI said “you can choose to act on your values anyways, no matter what feeling you feel” and after I read that I deliberately had the thought that “maybe if he messaged me I don’t want to act on my values, maybe I’d feel too much like I’d be missing out” and I deliberately thought that and felt it. And it felt like genuinely I can’t convince myself I’d act on my values because it feels like I wouldn’t want to??? Then afterward I think I may have shook my head to reject that thought even though I thought it on purpose, but I’m not fully sure if I did, and then a few minutes after I completely spiraled with severe anxiety after I had it. Then I purposely imagined what it would be like to be with his brother to show myself that that’s what the reality would be, to kind of show myself out of that “feeling” and internal thought, and I did not want to be with him. And that feeling that I’d be “missing out” went away. This made me spiral more because now I felt like I was really emotionally cheating because if it went away just from me picturing it it’s like I needed to convince myself. And this feeling is sort of back still and won’t go away. I’m so upset, I feel so sorry for my bf. I just want to be a good girlfriend. And on top of it this crush on his brother never goes away. I never feed it and just wish it would go away.

I know this is probably so confusing but I’m really scared. I’m terrified I emotionally cheated again and that I should tell my bf everything and that for the past couple months I’d been feeling like I’d cheat if he initiated. I’ve been pushing it away every time because I felt it was ocd but after the last two days and that thought/feeling I purposely had yesterday I feel like I need to tell him. I know I didn’t do any actions but I feel that doesn’t matter bc of the thoughts because it’s like if someone else initiated and how I’d feel. On a side note I do not want his brother to message me but it’s also because I feel I don’t want to be put in that position because I’m scared of how I might feel and it was to Theo point I wanted to block him but didn’t because I’m scared he will notice I blocked him and it will cause more of an issue.

Please give me advice I feel so scared. I’m severely anxious and literally can’t function.

Ciao, sono da un anno con questa ragazza e escluso il primo mese di farfalle nello stomaco, sto passando tutto il tempo credo con rOCD (in terapia, ho avuto diagnosi di Ocd anche di altro tipo). Dopo un anno lei mi chiede come sta andando perché soffre molto e dopo un anno ho sempre dubbi e soprattutto non riesco a rispondere alle domande: cosa sento? Sento qualcosa? Sto bene? Sto male? Cosa penso? Voglio continuare? Voglio interrompere? Mi piace o non mi piace la mia partner?

Ecco so solamente che mi sembra di non sentire nulla tranne in alcuni contesti assurdi tipo Ikea, parchi divertimenti, vacanze con amici all' estero.

Qualcuno si sente come me? (Ho anche tanti altri pensieri su cose che non mi piacciono di lei)

So I have horrible RJOCD, and I only recently found out about it. I am currently seeing a therapist who recommended me to do ACT exercises of agreeing with the fear. And I've been trying to do that, but with particular obsessions I have about my partner's ex, I'm not sure what the fear is, so whenever I try, I feel like I don't fully believe myself and the exercise doesn't really cause a stress response.

Before I knew I had rjocd, my partner was very open so whenever I asked him questions about his ex, he'd respond. Now I feel like I've gotten so much reassurance, I can no longer believe myself when I say "*insert fear* is going to come true". I feel like I logically understand that he's not going to leave me, he didn't love her more, she wasn't more special, etc. As a result, when I sometimes have really intense intrusive thoughts about his past, it feels like until I actually understand what the core fear within thr thought is, so the act exercises just don't work. I just end up ruminating. Any ideas on how to tackle that? Any advice would be deeply appreciated, I love my partner and we both feel like we've found the one, I don't wanna fumble 🙏💕

Recently at the psychologist I saw that love is affection, common values, passion. Because of OCD, my partner, the pill, or all three, I don't want sex anymore, even though I used to have a high libido. There's not much passion. What should I do? Should I just not have a relationship at all? I've been tired of dealing with OCD for two years now. Maybe this is just my form of denial, and relationships really aren't for me?

So I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years about 1 year ago (now understood as committing the ultimate compulsion).It was a very loving relationship but I had a feeling of general guilt and anxiety throughout which led to the breakup. I have been in therapy since and recently got diagnosed with autism and OCD which explains a lottttttt.

I’ve really been wrestling with the idea of reaching out to him. Part of me wants to talk about it with him and also just see how he is doing but know I caused a lot of hurt and its been some time so im not sure if i should just let him be. The relationship didn’t end for a lack of love and I always knew that but at the time I had no explanation.

Has anyone ever reached out to an ex after understanding their OCD better?

I made a rant vent post the other day about my friendship OCD. And I know not to ask for reassurance.

I’m just so lost. I’m obsessing if my best friend doesn’t even like me. It feels like she’d rather talk to others rather than me and I’m just so so sad and lost. Like what’s wrong with me? Constantly obsessing if she prefers others than me, if I annoy her, if she just said I’m her bsf because she pities me and she knows I’m lonely.

I just don’t know how to beat this feeling and obsession I’m trying so hard to apply methods to myself but they’re not working. It also is just so emotionally painful. I love her sm and just these thoughts hurt so bad man. Like it’d be hard for me to talk to her about this.

just so depressed from this entire thing

I (21F) have been in a relationship with my bf (M22) for almost 8 months. Ever since I found out about his past (exes and flings), I cannot stop having obsessive thoughts about how they were and how they could've been. He hid it from me at first because he was "scared of me getting turned off or disgusted", but now that I knew he's been very open to me.

At first, I would ask for details in the pretense of curiosity. It really was just curiosity at first but as the relationship progresses and i started loving him more, I started having obsessive thoughts about it. I stopped doing this after multiple searching online, because 'knowing isn't always the answer' as stated in some articles i saw online. Whenever I would open up to my bf, he would always reassure me (and it would work for a while) but then i'll think "oh he must've comforted them like this too). I would end up being in a very bad mood and even if I try to suppress it I would end up being really mean to him.

For some reason, I am extremely fixated with the fling before me (probs because she's the most recent one (??)). I would stalk her socials and get tempted to ask questions. I would always stop myself because I don't want to remind of him of anything that he's did before nor overwhelm him with my RJ. In the end, I would just end up imagining about it paralleled to how he's treating me right now and I would feel very jealous. I feel the same with the other girls before me too but it would always all go back to this particular one.

I get these thoughts everyday and it's been affecting me in school (can't focus on discussions cuz i'll be thinking about it), my relationships (i get moody and mean when interacting with other people), etc. I would lose my appetite and feel very tired mentally of all the thinking.

My bf is a very good man and I just want to stop thinking like this.

Hi Reddit, this is my first post and I’m doing it out of desperation. Me and now Ex were together for 3 years, met at 19, and we’re doing pretty good our first year. However at the start of the second year her OCD started to worsen significantly. So much so where she needed to be hospitalized and we ended things for a couple of months, as she and the therapists felt like our relationship was to blame. However we still kept in touch as she felt I was her only security net and felt there wasn’t anyone else that could be there for her. We Eventually got back together a couple months down the road, but things weren’t the same as before. It was traumatizing for me to see her become less and less a version of herself she could trust, and more a victim of her OCD. Every argument the topic of breaking up because it was too much to deal with would pop up, and she would end up becoming unstable. Normally I have been strong enough to help without taking it personally, and was pretty good at identifying what was her and what was her ocd. Recently though, I have started to struggle on my own, and because of how severe she is, she was never in a place where she could help me( and it’s not like she wasn’t trying or wanted to, but when I say the ocd is bad I mean debilitating bad) nothing has seemed to work for her, not therapies, treatments, medications, and it’s to the point where she is one doctor recommendation away from qualify for the surgery In Rhode Island. I have started to resent the situation, and recently had a moment where I caused a lot of hurt by saying things out of frustration. This is not at all like me, i have usually been strong enough to be patient and careful with my working, but I have felt my needs have become second to hers (which is valid) because of how severe it has gotten. I made the difficult decision to break things off because it was starting to become a bad situation and I didn’t want to traumatize her. I have so much love for her and am having an incredibly hard time with this, but I know having me around right now is causing her more harm then help. It is out of love that I decided to take myself out of the equation. I want her to learn how to rely on her parents and herself a little bit more, because it became my complete responsibility for her emotional wellbeing, and I need to start taking care of myself and my emotional needs as well. However now, she is crying and calling me on the phone saying she isn’t strong enough to do this on her own and needs me there. My heart hurts so much, and I want more than anything to run over to her and hold her, but I know realistically that if she wants to get better she needs to learn how to let her parents be there for her as emotional supports, and start focusing on getting better rather than constantly worrying about our relationship. Everyone in my life has told me I’m doing the right thing, including her parents, but now I’m not sure. What do I do now ? Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Edit: I do not have ocd and am not looking for reassurance for ocd purposes, but more so to know what the best direction I can take for her recovery 🙏

so I tend to do this a lot - my partners sad. I’m sad. my partners down. I’m down. my partners happy. I’m happy - you get the drift.

does that relate to ROCD or attachment styles? I’m not really sure but I’ve noticed whatever my partner is feeling is how I feel and it will impact my mood for the day.

I had this situation ship with a girl back in april 2025 and before i met my girlfriend in sept 2025. I was downbad and mentioned her frequently during my relationship with my current girlfriend to the point that anytime I will she would leave me. The thing is she knows im dealing with that ocd and the intensity of those thoughts provoke me and make me feel like an asshole. to be fair i was an asshole but how do we shake those thoughts? The come in ways like just her name popping up or whether i love that situationship (crazy) or anything to do with her. I have adhd so i also have a fear of somewhat blurting it out. my reasoning as to why i did so before was because I had a low self esteem and was an asshole but now I got better in those regards just not the OCD aspect. please dont judge me im trying to shake this ocd. I love my girlfriend plentifully please help me. let me know if i missed anything

i was diagnosed with ROCD a few months back. I'd been seeing my therapist for a couple years at that point when I was diagnosed professionally with ROCD. I was interested in pursuing a relationship and had very unkind thoughts about myself, value, yall know the drill. Well my therapist clocked my shit but my partner (who is medicated for other OCD) understood and we've been together for four months now after having been friends for a long time first.

We're both at university graduating soon. Come this fall, I'll be gone for four months studying abroad and my partner will be moving 2.5 hours away when I get back.

Recently, I've been having what feel like very sincere thoughts about having lost all romantic attraction to my partner and just seeing her as a friend. At first I chalked it up to having been friends for so long first that I wasn't used to dating her yet. But now it just feels like I don't love her like that anymore.

I'm really worried that given this and our upcoming boughts of long distance, we're not gonna work. I've put over a year of therapy into healing pieces of me to be better, and I want to continue to grow with my partner. But now I worry that I've ruined things and we'd be better off as friends, as if my affections have disappeared overnight.

I suppose I'm looking for other people's experiences and advice. I've seen others with ROCD say that in their partner's absence, their fondness/feelings seem to anxiously fade. I haven't been able to see my therapist since early May and I'm just worried I've ruined everything. Help.

i have OCD and i'm an alcoholic i quit 72 days ago since then my thoughts have gotten worse i've been hyper fixated on getting lace, or even acc having any sip of alcohol reason why is because last time i had a drink i was drinking late at night till i woke up in the early morning when i was sobering up later in the afternoon i got anxious for 5 hours since then i've haven't had a sip of alcohol. two weeks ago i came up with this new fear that i cant eat any food that can be marinated in alcohol when i first i read on the menu "vodka pasta" i ordered something completely different but i started spiraling that my food was marinated or got contaminated with alcohol since then i sometimes overthink the same thing. i ordered Mexican tacos from the rest next door i've been eating there for years but i started getting anxious after eating it because i know people marinated the steak they add on tacos with beer. i need some advice that will push me through this spiral and that i'm just overthinking.