Just a few weeks ago I was enthralled with physics, the formulas were coming naturally and I felt genuine zeal whenever I thought and read about the subject. I think encouragements from professor and assistant, also played the huge role here.
First exam ruined me. That week, instead of learning about the new upcoming idea, I sat with constant anxiety, not knowing to what exactly prepare myself. My fears actualized, when came the stuff on the exam was completely different from what I was preparing for. Additionally, me spending days, reviewing the past topics made me fell sharply behind for the upcoming topics that kept pouring in and in.
I understood the concepts and could solve problems, still there were many more problems from the book, that I yet couldn't solve intuitionally, like 70% more. I could solve them but not under the timing, for I would spend whole two hours solving just one problem with my abilities. I wonder who could solve them under an hour!? Why aren’t we taught to solve fucking problems that we will be tested on!? Best of minds our species are capable of producing have spend days thinking discussing about them, even if it was in the 17th century, it happened. Now, we just need to see how they solved such problems and just copy their method. No understanding and appreciation is required. We are just expected to just fucking swig the fucking thing in two gulps, and copy paste, do so for 60 more problems and you should be set.
For the midterm exam I started doing problems without paying much attention to the theory and ended up not mastering either. What a fucking disappointment I am! Ah, I want to relinquish everything. I hate myself; I hate my professor; I hate their assistant. I hate their looks on their faces as if I have deceived, led them astray, surprised them with my revealed stupidity!
No,
my dears, you are misconceiving here. It is not I, who deceived, but you, who made
me believe in this nonsense. This is utter nonsense! Only fools and miserable
people will spend their time on, slaves, who trade their ability to be happy to
solve, solve, solve and bow and bow.
Now, that I feel like total disappointment! And have nothing else to lose. I want to fucking pay it back with the same coin. I don't want to give a flying fuck about it, never, never! I want to do something extravagant. To show how much I don’t give a fuck, and that I never did, and that I’m rather bored with the subject and unimpressed, that I was misled into believing that there was any worth in it. That it is I who reject it, and that is I who chooses not to spend my precious energy on it. I'm mad, I know, but I can't overcome this feeling, I can’t help it, I’m such a disappointment! I have wasted my time, I have wasted money, and now I will not be accepted to any grad school it will be on my records😭. There is no more spark, I have disappointed. Nothing, nothing in it evokes same feelings of drive and philosophical wonder😭.
I also fucking hate how many professors from stem fields have turned their courses into the one huge iq bottleneck. Compared to other professors from other departments who seem to go thoroughly into their fields and take their professorship seriously, stem professors seem like they are so eager to write off any shortcomings of their pupils to their iq, without ever questioning their teaching practices. It maybe surely does, but that would be stupid waste of students money and social potential if we were to only give people with certain brain structures a chance to pass through. They are not professors, they cannot profess, they are in it for the title.
I wanted to do it for my career, now I just want to freaking hurl every thing related to this shit.