I’ve recently finally acknowledged that I am transmasc. I’ve come out to two friends as nonbinary and started using they/them pronouns with them. I’ve also said fuck it and ditched 3/4 of my girl clothes.

That was hard, it felt like releasing years of baggage watching dresses disappear. Most still had the tags so it was an interesting reflection on Urban Outfitters price changes over the last six to eight years.

I’ve known for ten years. The first documentation I have that something was up is from 2016. It’s little trans middle schooler poetry, it’s honestly quite sweet but sad. I don’t think you need a full break down of ten years of bad coping skills and attempts to ignore all of this. However, I will say I spent most of college drinking to cope, to the extent I would black out and come out and force my friends to refer to me by a different name, and then refuse to acknowledge it. This eventually ended up leading to a gender intervention, and after nearly three months of gender therapy and a lot of actual non-avoidant thinking, I’ve decided to start transitioning.

My issue is I think I’m doing it too fast. In the span of two weeks I’ve cut my hair, ditched majority of my clothes (which realistically I wasn’t wearing anyway), and changed my pronouns. My name is on the chopping block. I want the change, but that the same time I don’t want to speed run this. But I also feel like I know now and I can’t live how I’ve been living anymore. It’s been ten years, but it’s also been three months. How do I reconcile the two?

What happens when your comfort zone though not a place of total security or satisfaction is navigating life within the binary as a bisexual person, yet you’re afraid of the non-binary identity? You fear both how society might perceive your attractiveness and the possibility of realizing that your previous ways of expressing, identifying, and presenting yourself to the world were actually limiting and restrictive? What if I don’t care how others refer to me, as long as I refer to myself in the way that feels right? And what if I continue to present myself with a feminine aesthetic simply because I like it—not because I feel it’s been imposed on me? Is this a step toward a non-binary identity, or is it a reinvention of what the binary means to me personally?

(Sorry for my English is not my first language)

Its pretty late for me and a bit high and I can't really think about typing rn , but I just hate being perceived.

I wish things in society, especially in regards to gender weren't as binary as they are. I've been spiraling on Reddit and just in general about what to do in regards to my transition and I just hate how if I'm taking HRT I'm perceived as my opposite, and off HRT back to how it was before. I feel dysphoric both ways and when I'm on HRT I can't stop missing being off of it while off HRT I want to be on it. Overall I'm happy I'm on HRT I just wish I knew more people IRL with non linear transitions and other surgeries like null and the other one which I'm very interested in if I could afford it .

I know a few but I suck at making connections so I'm going to hopefully go to my Nonbinary group today. But it still doesn't help the fact idk what to do . My gender therapist gave me some advice last time , but I still feel insane guilty for wanting to stop when It took me forever to get back on and stay on due to access . I just wish non linear or non stereotypical transitions paths and surgeries were talked about .