so i moved somewhere new recently and met this guy through some mutual stuff, we got close pretty fast. like day one he was already telling me the new place was horrible and the people there were bad news, before i’d even seen anything myself.

then someone new moved in where i live. i liked him, no issues at all. but my friend decided this guy was “controlling” and just would not shut up about how bad he was, kept pushing me to hate him too. eventually it worked and i started disliking someone who genuinely never did anything to me.

fast forward, me and my friend fell out over something else entirely. and now?? he’s buddies with the same guy he spent months trying to turn me against. also found out he’d been talking about me behind my back to someone who has actual influence over my living situation, painting me in a bad light, and i had no clue until recently.

thinking back there’s other relationships of mine he’s messed with too, not just this one. told a friend about it and they said it’s kind of my fault for trusting him that much in the first place lol. now i don’t even know what to think anymore.

am i actually the problem here or does this sound like manipulation

Long-story-short, hugely problematic on both sides. I've been on-and-off with no-contact, and am struggling to let go of feelings. They're determined to stay friends. We're stuck living together & going on a uni residential together next year.

When I mentioned I was struggling to move on, they hit me with "Why don't you care enough about me to just want to be my friend"

And when we fought, and I mentioned I didn't want to stay friends because I still had feelings, they shouted at me - saying things like "Oh princess can't get off her high horse and let go", "why don't you love me enough to just want me as i am" "why don't you care enough about me to let go of the relationship already" (keep in mind, it's been just over a month since we broke up).

Then, when we decided we were going no-contact again, they told me I wasn't allowed to block them, or unadd them anywhere, and when they contact me again in mid-august they expect me to be "ready to try to be friends" and to have "Moved on a little more".

It's been a couple days now, and I've been thinking. Am I being manipulated into being friends? guilt-tripped? It's all very confusing.

All this time, I thought he really loved me. But after detaching for a few weeks, I realized that his words were just empty and lacked sincerity. I stopped replying to him for a while now. Before, whenever I read his messages, I could feel so much love in them. But now, I feel like it was all just a performance to manipulate me into believing him.

I spent so much time trying to avoid conflict and keep someone else happy that I forgot what it felt like to relax.

It’s strange because after leaving, I noticed simple things felt different. I wasn’t checking my phone every few minutes or worrying about saying the wrong thing.

Did anyone else experience that?

Lately, my boyfriend has been acting really sus, and it’s honestly hard to ignore. I noticed he deleted some images which immediately raised red flags for me. Then, I saw an image that didn’t sit right, and when I brought it up, he just called me crazy like I was trying to start drama or find something to fuss about. But I know what I saw, and I’m not about to let him gaslight me into doubting my own eyes. It feels like he’s hiding something or trying to cover up, and that kind of behavior makes it impossible for me to just brush it off. It’s frustrating because I want to trust him, but his actions are making me question everything.

(Back story)
Me and my boyfriend had a serious talk about how some images I saw on his phone were really uncomfortable for me. He made promises to stop looking at those kinds of bad images altogether. He promised me that he would block or completely ignore anything like that from now on because he understood how much it hurt me and made me feel uneasy. I trusted him when he said that, and it meant a lot to hear him commit to respecting my feelings and keeping that promise.

(Now)
it feels as though he’s going around and making me seem crazy. Lately, my boyfriend has been acting really sus, and it’s honestly hard to ignore. I noticed he deleted some imagines, which immediately raised red flags for me. Then, I saw an image that didn’t sit right, and when I brought it up, he just called me crazy like I was trying to start drama or find something to fuss about. But I know what I saw, and I’m not about to let him gaslight me into doubting my own eyes. It feels like he’s hiding something or trying to cover up, and that kind of behavior makes it impossible for me to just brush it off. It’s frustrating because bbI want to trust him, but his actions are making me question everything.

For me, it was being able to enjoy little things without worrying about someone’s reaction.

Whether it was listening to music I liked, wearing what I wanted, or spending time with friends, those little freedoms meant so much.

What’s yours?

So me (M31) my brother (M42) have had a close relationship all our lives. But, I've begun to see how manipulative he can be. Its something that maybe has gone on our entire life? but, i just started realizing it in recent years? Me and him worked together for the same company for about 4 years. He then started his own company and asked for me to join his new venture. I declined, I just had my first child with my wife and really enjoyed where i worked. I had benefits, company car ect. He would relentlessly reach out and try and tell me the company was a "sinking ship" asking me "when i was leaving", that i have no "future there". This went on for about a year. Then, I jumped ship and started working with his company. At first, it was fine. After the first year he gave me a company vehicle, then benifits started. However, this began to change.  3 years in, he started to pay his employees late. It was spiratic at first but began to become a common occurrence. It would legit give me anxiety waiting on the direct deposit to hit, and well, most of the time it wouldn't hit. Then he started to dial back on benefits. 1 benifit being a company vehicle. The other, insurance. In this time frame me and my wife had 3 more children. 4 in all.  Insurance was very important.  I guess, the final nail in the coffin was that he didn't pay us for 3 weeks. He went on a month vacation and in that time frame paid his employees only the first week he was away. When I finally got ahold of him. He blamed it on a "payroll issue" and said he couldn't pay us until he got back. Now, try telling that to 4 other people with mouths to feed? The kicker was when he returned on a Monday,  he didnt write checks until that Friday.  After working with him for 6 years I decided to quit. My final year there he stopped raises, was really low on work and had like zero communication with employees, vendors and subs. Subs would reach out to me looking for payment because they couldn't get ahold of him. The Cons out weighed the Pros. So, fast forward about a year later, I've talked to him minimally, he'll reach out periodicly with a text that starts with "Im not trying to start shit but .. .." followed by a complaint. 

The most recent 1 being about my wife.....

My neice  (his daughter24) and my wife were at a family event when his daughter brought up working for her dad. She made a comment about how "when it busy its great but when its slow, we'll ya know" and my wife agreed, saying "is he paying his guys on time now?" And she said "its been good recently because  ive taken over payroll." My wife followed with  her 2 cents. Her opinion being that he doesn't know how to run a business.  OBVIOUSLY,  this got back to my brother who reached out saying "he doesn't appreciate my wife saying negative things about him to his daughter" that "she had a lot to say about him the other day" didn't give me anything she said, just that it was negative.  I ask her and she tells me. Some good, some bad. But what am I supposed to do about it?

Like what does he want me to do? Yell at my wife for having a substantiated opinion of him? His OWN daughter was saying negative things. My wife is grown and van say wgat she wants. The other thing is that my brother will literally talk crap about everybody! What do you think he's playing at? Is he manipulative? Ive been subconsciously slowly distancing myself from him in recent years. What should I say to him?

Do guys and or girls lie to their partners about having and std to try to keep them in the relationship? Or is this unheard of?

Everyone loves this. Of course they do! They get to receive what they think is unconditional love.

But it’s fake so it’s not really love at all.

Then whenever I call it out everyone acts like I’m such a horrible person for doing this. Acting like I’m treating someone who is truly good as if they are evil. But it’s fake! The whole thing is a performance.

The worst part is that fake care frames others as if they are the villain when they actually do care, because they are “too harsh”. The standard of care, becomes ignoring others issues, pretending things are better when they aren’t, acting like others flaws aren’t really who they are, and worst the “way” you say something becomes more important then what ur actually saying!

A lot of people who do this act like arguing and debate are hateful things. And that peace and friendship is the most loving way.

But tell me, is it loving to act like someone’s flaws aren’t real and don’t matter? Of course not! The most loving thing is to correct each other with love and patience. If you really loved them, you wouldn’t have to pretend they are someone else!

A lot of people who do this also absolutely love to make bad guys into victims. When they do that they get more friends, they get to feel like the righteous one, while being completely disingenuous.

I hope others can relate to this.

God bless ❤️✝️

Financial Issue ❌❌❌💔💔

Im absolutely seething, crying etc, i really need advice as im 99% sure im being manipulated.

Me and ‘partner’ very rocky (he was sexting some girl, its a long story, but refused to tell me anything and lied to me several times about who she was and went as far to let me message real people)

He still lives here, I pay all rent and bills always have including childcare, and food shopping, he pays for the car and odd bits of food here and there.

I paid for us all to go to butlins (saved for this) & he said he could not pay for the car finance (slow week at self employment) - i was annoyed, but sent him £180 for this. We carried on for 2 days at butlins, and then a few days later he tells me that it bounced & made out this was because of butlins and he paid for some bits there. I pointed out that i never asked him to and it is his responsibility fully to inform me that he could not afford to do this, or call and make car payment right away.

He keeps gaslighting me to thinking that somehow its my fault ( he honestly pays for nothing major) and that now we are a ‘family’ LOL. somehow he is making the equalizer that he grabs snacks from tesco to literally £700 of what he should be paying in rent.

Anyway, I gave a further £130 BUT APPARENTLY to the wrong account (he never specified)

We have huge argument, and i said im absolutely not footing the bill for your shortfall, i do my part and that was your responsibility, we have 2 kids on summer holidays and I have recently taken a sebbatical for my disabled child, so no work pay this coming month.

Within this argument, constant back on forth about fairness, I threw my phone at the floor screaming take all my money, ive lost so much because of you and you never give me shit other than problems.

Just now, went on my online banking & he has literally transferred himself money from my account, I now cant afford to live.

He’s repeatedly saying I told him he could

😭😭

Hey all,

My ex of 4 years (Im 35 F, and she is 31 F) she had a work place affair with a 25 year old woman who was also in her own long term relationship. I only found out about the affair from reading her confession on her chat gpt, where she claimed they were ‘falling for each other’ and ‘caught up in the affair.’

This went on from late January this year, until I found on March 31st. The months between this she distanced herself from me, isolated me out of her life / friends and family get togethers and made me feel like I had something awful. She claimed to be burnt out.

I’ve made a list of all the things she had said to me during and after I found out about the affair. I have started gaslighting myself, so if anyone could possibly share any words of wisdom / kindness / healing that I am not going mad and this is quite manipulative? That would incredibly helpful, thank you all so so much!! ❤️

Here is the list:

After I found out and had gone back to live with her parents … on the week of Mum’s death anniversary she showed up unannounced to give me a hand written letter asking for us to speak when the anniversary had passed. She then showed up again unannounced this time she had let herself into my flat and was getting clothes, I walked in and she was already in the flat. She said on this occasion, how she loves me, wasn’t asking me to wait for her but in the future if Im still single and she reaches out and I want to try again, then great. On this day I asked what her day plans where, she mentioned seeing a friend, this particular friend I had seen on instagram stories was in another country, I said that - she said ‘oh no she was, shes back now, got back today’. I could see her friend’s IG stories, and then later that afternoon I no longer could. My ex obviously asked her to block me from seeing them. It was very obvious and she was still lying - her friend is also a cheater, so this makes sense that she is helping her hide this.

The week I found out about the affair, on the Tuesday, that Saturday she went away with her friend and they did a hike, took photos of them smiling and went to a bar together. She looked happy and posted photos on her instagram. I was at home crying and couldn’t eat. During this trip she messaged me asking for my time of birth as her friend wanted to do a ‘love compatibility’ test for us.

After the affair she told me she had told her dad and when I asked what he said, she said ‘he obviously likes you’ and said he hopes we can work it out because he is very fond of you. I later implied she was suggesting rebuilding / getting back together - she said ‘I wasn’t trying to confuse you, I told you that because thats what he said and you asked’.

She kept repeating saying after I found out ‘ I’m not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day we can try again’

Before I found out about the affair, she asked me if I would help her with her getting her car to the garage so I followed her because she’d had to leave her car all day the garage so then we spent the day together but she was so distant with me so cold with me and it was awkward like I didn’t really know her. I felt like I had done something wrong. She was driving and I said to her ‘you’re still my favourite person to drive me around’ and she was like ‘oh that would make sense, cause I did teach you to drive’ … and that really hit me and I felt hurt by that because I’d always said that to her, not because she helped me drive she really didn’t. But because when we first started dating, we was in the car together and she would always drive me around so that was like our dates and she knew that, but she was being cold and dismissive. Another thing she said ‘ I just feel like I need to do everything I would if I was single’ and I was like that’s like you saying you want to be single on your own and she was like no I’m not saying that because I don’t wanna be with anybody else, and that she didn’t have the ‘capacity’ to see / date anyone. But said she lost herself in our relationship and wanted to find herself again outside of us. I said she could do this still in the relationship and I would support that, I suggested therapy / better communication / boundaries - she wasn’t interested. Also when she got her car fixed I told her to give me less money towards house bills so she could afford it, she then couldn’t wait to get he car and drive to her friends house. I called her and said please don’t feel like you have to put walls up with me, she said ‘I’m trying’ - I honestly was trying so hard to be mindful and be kind as I genuinely believed she was burnt out, as she had kept saying. The whole time she was having an affair.

Her and the AP were hiding their messages on instagram messenger, I asked to see them and she had deleted them all. When I asked why she had deleted them, she said because ‘its wrong and shouldn’t be on her phone’. She had semi-naked posed pictures in her deleted folder on her phone, so I think we know who they were sent to.

Before I found out about the affair there was an occasion when I called her, because we always had each others locations and it was after work, and she was sat by a station for a while. I called her she didn’t pick up the phone, she shortly called me back claiming she had dropped her friend to the station and they were talking and when I called she was just leaving the car. I said it felt weird, like I didn’t believe her.. she got offended and defensive, saying ‘do you want to say goodbye to her as well!?’. She then turned her location off saying she didn’t like how the interaction had made her feel, how she had gotten defensive and also then when I was suspicious about her cheating, she said ‘look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that!?’ (her mum is a pathological liar and had cheated on her dad on and off for years, even during the time I had been part of the family)

Afterwards she delivered me a handwritten letter claiming she loved me, I had loved her like no one else ever had, and I had given her ‘a quiet strength’ and she hopes whatever happens with us in the future she can gain my trust back. Again, when I asked her about this, she said she didn’t mean in a way to confuse me or imply we would be getting back together.

She told me that the affair wasn’t personally about the AP, it could of been anyone but the AP ‘highlighted’ something wrong within herself

Again, before the I found out about affair she made me feel like I had done something awful for months, she was being cold, isolating me out of her life, sleeping on the sofa, then going to stay at her parents for most of the week, bringing up random things, saying I said hurtful things about her Mum. Her Mum had lied 2 years ago about potentially having a near death experience due to her heart, it later came out that her Mum had lied and had liposuction, she made this statement about her heart 2 days my own mother had sadly died from a heart condition. Her mum later said to her ‘you have always put your partner’s first’ when she was supported me during my mother’s death and her mum clearly wanted all the attention on her. She wouldn’t clearly tell me what I had done that was so wrong and said ‘I’m not going to make a rash decision, my whole family love you’ basically keeping me hanging whilst she was figuring out what to do, but she bad all the power in her hands snd I was waiting for the outcome of whether she wanted to be with me or not.

During her affair I was also going through a cancer scare, she said at the time ‘we will get through it’ she didn’t come to any appointments with me. Even the day after I found out about her affair I had to go and have a biopsy, she went to work. When I later to said to her the whole time I was going through that you carried on with your affair, her answer was ‘yes but i still cared about you’.

After I found out she started saying she had ‘hurt herself this whole time, imploded her own life and was shocked at her own behavior.’ She even compared the shock of the affair to when she had last felt like this, and it was when her ex died of suicide. She referred to herself as ‘unwell’ and said she was scared she was now going to be ‘self destructive’ and had started vaping and smoking. Even after the affair, I gave her so much empathy, suggested therapy (she was in therapy), told her to stop smoking she cried and replied ‘I can’t, Im not like you, you’re very good at taking care of yourself, you were a buffer for me’.

I went through her messages one night on her laptop before I found out, trying to find messages was the ‘friend’ she was in the car with that time. I found nothing, I got so upset I had done that, that I woke her up and told her and said I was really sorry and felt awful. In this moment this would of been the perfect opportunity to be honest, instead she said it was okay and asked if I wanted to see the messages from her and her friend. I said no, the next day she said that she was worried this had ‘opened a door for me and I now think shes a cheater and don’t trust her. She said had I asked to see the messages that would of changed things, but she rewarded me for ‘catching myself’ before it got worse.

Chat gpt had suggested to her to take some distance from myself and the AP to avoid someone getting hurt, my ex stated ‘I do not want to distance myself from the AP, I can compartmentalise’.

She told me that she thought about sleeping with AP the first time they kissed, but she ‘wouldn’t / couldn’t do that’

After I found out, told me that she needed time to be on her own for now to figure out ‘how she got here’ and one day if she reached out to me and I wanted to try again, that would be the ideal but she can’t commit right now, get therapy or try and make this work

Before I found out the affair, she said ‘I can’t imagine my life without you’ - she said ‘as my partner’.

After I found out she said ‘you never know this may of needed to happen for us to come out stronger’

Mine has been realizing that love shouldn’t make you lose yourself.

I spent so much time trying to become someone else just to avoid conflict, and I didn’t even realize it was happening. I was becoming the version of myself my ex wanted me to be to please him and live up to his expectations. I also spent so much time trying to prove to him I’d changed and that I’m the girl he wants and deserves to be with. He would constantly tell me I’d never be good enough no matter how much I try to change. That relationship absolutely drained me mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I’d love to hear what lesson changed your outlook the most.

quick story. one of my buddies i made in secondary school was v lovely, i would not have been friends with her if she wasn't so. but over the years of growing up and growing old my friends and i have started to notice that she:

\\- always dictates what to do and where to meet

\\- asks us always for material things

\\- thinks highly of herself and tells everyone any man would be lucky to have her

\\- always talks about herself. in our last dinner she talked for 3 hours straight, leaving me and my friends a few minutes to share our stuff

\\- shes made herself the leader of the group, giving main character energy.

thats why i also noticed we are her only group of her friends..all the other friends she introduced to us before are gone.

i no longer call her a best friend but i still am hers. i stopped sharing stuff w her and just lowk react to her stories thru heart emojis and niceties.

now shes pregnant and it looks like shes rubbing it in our face that she is. i am cf by choice (a fact i didnt even tell her) but my other friends arent. our GC is dead and it is only alive from her reels and posts that we stopped reacting to. other friends ask us to cut ties with her but i dont think its that easy. i just wanna fade away from her life but she keeps messaging us and lovebombing us and making plans. help aio?

Hi everyone. I’m starting this thread to understand the psychology behind manipulation in relationships. What is it with that intellectual profile—the one who tangles you up in logic, twists your words, and makes you second-guess your own sanity, all while swearing they are acting out of the "mature affection"?

The facade of stability, In the beginning, they fully integrate you into their reality. They introduce you with pride, bring you straight into their family, open the doors to their home, and sell you the perfect life project. Everything feels healthy, real, and serious.

The logical trap, But at the very first disagreement, they weaponize their eloquence. They trap you in logical arguments, flip the narrative, and make you doubt your own reality, while insisting they are doing it "for the good of the relationship." In the end, you’re the one apologizing.

Why do you think they resort to these dynamics? Where does that neurotic need to psychologically dismantle your partner come from, instead of just communicating as equals? I'd love to read your thoughts.

So me (M31) my brother (M42) have had a close relationship all our lives. But, I've begun to see how manipulative he can be. Its something that maybe has gone on our entire life? but, i just started realizing it in recent years? Me and him worked together for the same company for about 4 years. He then started his own company and asked for me to join his new venture. I declined, I just had my first child with my wife and really enjoyed where i worked. I had benefits, company car ect. He would relentlessly reach out and try and tell me the company was a "sinking ship" asking me "when i was leaving", that i have no "future there". This went on for about a year. Then, I jumped ship and started working with his company. At first, it was fine. After the first year he gave me a company vehicle, then benifits started. However, this began to change.  3 years in, he started to pay his employees late. It was spiratic at first but began to become a common occurrence. It would legit give me anxiety waiting on the direct deposit to hit, and well, most of the time it wouldn't hit. Then he started to dial back on benefits. 1 benifit being a company vehicle. The other, insurance. In this time frame me and my wife had 3 more children. 4 in all.  Insurance was very important.  I guess, the final nail in the coffin was that he didn't pay us for 3 weeks. He went on a month vacation and in that time frame paid his employees only the first week he was away. When I finally got ahold of him. He blamed it on a "payroll issue" and said he couldn't pay us until he got back. Now, try telling that to 4 other people with mouths to feed? The kicker was when he returned on a Monday,  he didnt write checks until that Friday.  After working with him for 6 years I decided to quit. My final year there he stopped raises, was really low on work and had like zero communication with employees, vendors and subs. Subs would reach out to me looking for payment because they couldn't get ahold of him. The Cons out weighed the Pros. So, fast forward about a year later, I've talked to him minimally, he'll reach out periodicly with a text that starts with "Im not trying to start shit but .. .." followed by a complaint. 

The most recent 1 being about my wife.....

My neice  (his daughter24) and my wife were at a family event when his daughter brought up working for her dad. She made a comment about how "when it busy its great but when its slow, we'll ya know" and my wife agreed, saying "is he paying his guys on time now?" And she said "its been good recently because  ive taken over payroll." My wife followed with  her 2 cents. Her opinion being that he doesn't know how to run a business.  OBVIOUSLY,  this got back to my brother who reached out saying "he doesn't appreciate my wife saying negative things about him to his daughter" that "she had a lot to say about him the other day" didn't give me anything she said, just that it was negative.  I ask her and she tells me. Some good, some bad. But what am I supposed to do about it?

Like what does he want me to do? Yell at my wife for having a substantiated opinion of him? His OWN daughter was saying negative things. My wife is grown and van say wgat she wants. The other thing is that my brother will literally talk crap about everybody! What do you think he's playing at? Is he manipulative? Ive been subconsciously slowly distancing myself from him in recent years. What should I say to him?

This guy (32m) and I (28f) met at the gym. We’ve been seeing eachother and going on dates for about a month now but some of the behaviors are really odd.

First, he takes me out to really elaborate/fancy/expensive dates but he never tells me where we are going and he always wants to order. He picks out the food we get each time. It was kinda cute for one date and I know some guys are like that so I let it go but it did highlight to me he may be a bit controlling. He also doesn’t tell me where we are going just what time to be ready and what to wear. Once he told me to “be ready at 7 in my Sunday best, assuming you have something to cover your abs”. For context, I have a pretty nice 6 pack that I like to show off in the summer time. I thought it was odd he’d make a comment on what to wear but figured maybe it was just somewhere really nice and dusted it off.

Secondly, he is very distant over text. I again brushed this off because people are busy but he oscillates between being engaging and dry replies.

After date three we hooked up and he was really dominating. I didn’t necessarily dislike it but it threw me off because it was the first time we’d been together and we hadn’t had a conversation about this. He choked me (lightly tho but still), and when I asked to get on top he said “absolutely not” and threw me into doggy. I left after.

Date after that he cooked for me and was acting sooo sweet. Giving me so many compliments which he doesn’t do often, kissing my forehead, holding my hand. We hooked up again and it was really loving. Gentle with lots of eye contact. I got dressed to leave after and he told
Me to stay and spent the whole night cuddling me, kissing my forehead, ect. I go to the gym in the mornings and told him before bed my alarm was set for 4:30. In the morning it went off and I kissed him goodbye and left.

I didn’t hear from him at all and then texted him the next day about something unrelated. He was short and told me we were fighting. He said I’d abandoned him and was being dry. I felt bad because I too would’ve been upset had someone left like that and saw him at the gym and apologized. After that we were good and we made more plans.

Date after He took me to Michelin restaurant and a couple bars. It was really fun. After we went home and he was very dominating again and left marks on my butt. I again don’t dislike it and never said no, but it does throw me off. I slept over again and we cuddled. Next day we showered together before his flight. I left and texted I had fun and he was texting me the entire time he was gone. Then when he returned he got kind of dry and sent me a boring reply to a flirty text I sent. I didn’t reply. Didn’t hear from h so 1 day later I sent a picture of my stairmaster workout and said “please clap”. He didn’t reply. Then for 4.5 days later and then sent an inside joke and a message that basically said “can you give me a reason to justify ghosting you for a little longer while I figure some things out?”. I’m so confused because why did he feel the need to tell me he was ghosting when he already had for 4.5 days and tell me it was going to continue?? Like wtf did he think I’d say to that??? I haven’t replied and do not plan to but the situation has me feeling soooo off guard. He could absolutely just be disinterested but idk something feels off but if this is a game it’s kind of scary???

Hey all,

I guess healing / recovery comes in stages, I found out my ex-partner of (would of been 4 years tomorrow) was having a workplace affair with another woman who was also in her own long-term relationship. I found out from reading her chat gpt confession, where she confessed they were 'falling for each other' and didn't want to distance herself from the AP as she can 'compartmentalize'.

I do understand trauma comes up in strange ways and I have been very good at accessing my anger more recently, but for some reason (maybe because our anniversary is tomorrow) I keep thinking about her having this affair, especially when I am at work - I just wonder how she was able to do this and lie and gaslight to me about it for months, when I suspected something was going on. Even saying 'look at my mum, do you really think I could do that!?' - her Mum has cheated on her Dad for years and is a master liar / manipulator.

Can anyone who has been through an affair / betrayal trauma please advice the best way to deal with thinking of your ex with the affair partner, my body keeps reacting badly to every thought, its very hard and makes me feel sick. I guess this is quite normal, as it's still quite raw .. she started distancing herself from me / lying to me from late January until end of March, when I found the chat gpt confession. During this time she was isolating me out of her life, and made me feel like I had done something wrong - telling me she had a decision to make basically about our relationship - I was wondering for months what I had done and if we would even stay together, the power was all in her hands.

This is so hard to manage, please anyone shed some light please or words of wisdom.

Thank you all SO MUCH!

So basically we had a fight and as usual he was saying things which clearly is victim playing and manipulation so i said stop it please and his reply was “victim playing toh tum karti hoo”
It was too much so i blocked him without saying anything about it
Then he sms me saying “ you blocked me seriously?
Own it from now on”
My reply was it’s your thing to not own what you say
Then he literally said “ fuck off abh “
And then i just said own it from now on
After like 15 minutes he comes back saying im sorry nothing is over you
I was thinking like okie lets talk about it later as both said somethings in this heated conversation

And now we broke up technically he broke up with me while i was explaining that what you said I won’t tolerate this in future and please lets take a break so i can think if i can accept your apology or not but he didn’t even gave me the proper break i get it he was also attached to me like i am to him he used to send good morning messages and cutely wished me goodnight but when I confronted him with the things i found hurtful and called out his behaviour he just broke up with me saying “he can’t keep up with me “
And he even said I didn’t asked you to do that to those things which I wasn’t counting i was saying that i did those things out of love but not getting appreciated made me lose feelings day by day I teach him many things because he always used to say that I don’t know anything about relationships
Btw it was his second relationship he never respected things which i did for him and whenever I confronted him of his habit of not noticing small things about me as much as he should and like as a partner he should be aware of my surrounding and what will i need in that moment but he has excuses for everything whenever i say “ tumne yeh nahi kiya us time i felt bad “ he would reply with maine tumse pucha tumne jawab nahi diya
Like he always made it sound like these little things need to be asked if i want it and when he said some things which I don’t like or hurts me he made it sound like it’s not his fault because his intentions were different i took it differently
Now we broke up finally and I’m at peace its very empty now but i think ill be okie without him
I loved him because I thought he’s a innocent guy who doesn’t know stuff but he used to act all feminist and someone who’s going to respect me because of his efforts i used to think he is like that but by time I realised he was just exploiting my habit of doing people pleasing for the one i love i loved him sincerely throughout this whole relationship but he just don’t love me like I deserve he just loves us what we had we just wanted a relationship he never loved me because if he did he even disrespected me twice before but i think it was his tactics of introducing his manipulation and victim playing into our relationship

My father is highly manipulative and he shaped my personality as failure due to choosing of arts instead science. I cracked the nimcet and thought I will be changed but around him my old personality come back how hard I try I started to struggle in small task and negative thought captures me. I not have indivisuality so I can go toward goal and always think as other person perspective and I forgot my self its like I ignoring me myself of what I want but I not getting that . I want control on my body as imagination level like described in inner game of tennis. I perform poor when I think control on muscle I want outcome based control . and why when I focus on process I perform like nood and focus on outcome that much better performance but I don't know why . I wanted to know best thinking method for doing action so back then I created my self but they are poor such as focus on muscles its no one write on it I feel I am the only one who trying to figure best method . if I performed well I not happy because maybe best method yet to come. I like new thought philosophy its more abstract and focus on abstract thinking for outcome instead microthinking. I want to use my thinking power for manipulation because come on for someone like me the manuplation Is mendatory I don't want to suffer because the think that It will be bad to use that power to use for self (that another lacking ego, I think more for others also describe how much to give importance myself) but in reality that people now thinking my good behaviour as someone who is idiot. I want to tell them their place when I purposely wanted. my habit to think more like other and feel other took myself into trash and thinking for me instead my power wasting to understanding their perspective that can be opportunity to expoit their perspective rather than put aside me dissolve for others when they putting foot on me. I never think to make money I enjoyed more process that pattern also here getting against me It put me so far from money that still 22 I am going to study masters. when I think I conclude that everything that was I invented in thinking plane is not working in real world my desire also that buried and feel unhappy that every creation of my thinking was false . can you suggest book is any one write something which will work for me

I’m 26/F and husband is 27/M we have been together about 4.5 years in total and married about 2.5 years.

I had some doubts about getting married prior to making it official, but the military made us kind of speed things up and I believed it was worth the risk of us not being compatible vs losing him to distance.

To make a very very long story as short as I can, I grew up very timid and a people pleaser and he grew up more aggressive and loud. This caused some issues all throughout our relationship but it wasn’t until we moved states (where we were each other’s only support systems) that I snapped (about two years ago.) I ended up creating bad coping mechanisms of drinking, physically hurting myself, and putting myself into danger because I ultimately just didn’t care. For the entirety of our relationship leading up to this I had voiced my concerns and begged for couples therapy. I was usually met with anger or the silence treatment. It wasn’t until I ended up in the ER that he agreed to finally take things seriously and start couples therapy.

Things were going better. We were able to communicate more clearly and I felt like we were really growing. After a few months of couples therapy he got his own individual therapist and I got one as well. He then wanted to quit our couples therapist because he didn’t “like her style” and I agreed but asked that he find us a new therapist and we continue the work.

About six months of bringing up him finding a therapist that he feels connected to goes by and things start reverting back to how they used to be. We are both still in individual therapy at this point and our communication is still stronger than it was a few years ago, but we aren’t continuing to grow.

The majority of the time we spend together is watching what he wants to watch, going where he wants to go, listening to his music, etc. He doesn’t want to do the things I enjoy (going to the pool, cuddling, walking the dogs) so he just doesn’t do them but gets upset when I then go to the pool or on a walk and he’s left at home. Anytime I pick the movie or the song he doesn’t ever tell me I can’t, but he just talks poorly about it and makes fun of it to the point I’d rather him just “get his way.”

I now have made some close friends in this new state and start choosing to spend time with them or on new hobbies or working extra shifts to keep myself busy and out of the house. This upsets him a lot. He doesn’t like my friends, doesn’t approve of the hobbies I’m interested in, doesn’t want me working extra, and wants me at home with him instead. This makes me start to feel very disconnected and controlled.

We have a conversation about how I’m feeling disconnected and am starting to feel like I’d rather just be on my own at this point. He then leaves for a 6 week work trip. During this trip I thought it would give me a lot of clarity, and I thought that it had. I didn’t miss him, I felt at ease in my own home, I became more productive, my friends noticed I was happier.

So I decided to really start making the moves to leave the relationship. I got a new job with healthcare benefits, I started working extra to save money, I figured out my financial plans, I found a house to move into on my own, I had 100% made up my mind.

Then he comes home.

I have this conversation with him and fully expected him to lash out or shut me out, but he did the complete opposite. He was hurt. He felt like this came out of the blue and I was rushing to separate when he didn’t even know what was going through my mind. We talked a lot and I cried a lot and then the next day when I get home from work there are flowers and a sweet note for me. He starts being affectionate and saying he wants us to fight for the relationship. Says we will get a couples therapist. Takes me out to do the things I enjoy. Cuddles me like he did when we first met.

I have a lease signed and I’m supposed to move in there in three days (he doesn’t know I got my own house) I feel very conflicted and sad and I don’t know what to do.

My head is telling me this change isn’t going to last, but my heart tells me there have been improvements in the past and maybe it’s worth fighting harder for? My friends tell me he’s trying to manipulate me because he’s scared and they are really urging me to move out. He’s been the perfect partner the last few days and I don’t know if I would be making a mistake cutting things off now.

Any advice please??

What is the best way to know if someone is trying to gaslight you? Having some trouble in my relationship and my wife, I believe her behaviour has changed and she is hiding something, she hates being wrong and she is always twisting the truth and telling little lies and omitting things, she is always telling me I’m remembering things incorrect, and changing the story on how things happened she has me convinced for a long time that it’s me who has a problem.
I have started taking notes for the last few months after our conversations and I have realised she may be doing this to manipulate the situation and when I look back on my notes I am in fact correct.
Is there any tips on how I can test if it’s really my mental health or her? In have been just believing her and putting it down to me. But now I am starting to see a pattern.
Every time I try to tell her she’s wrong or correct her ( without admitting I took notes) she just denies and says no, no,no that’s not right and won’t admit anything

I have some experience in debating so I am pretty good at spotting fallacies when people argue or try to manipualte me. however, Ive been struggling to use this knowledge in a way that would actualy benefit my communication with other people. So I'm asking the people who are better at this than me: for each of these, what's your actual go-to response?

Straw man - twisting what I said
False dilemma
Motte-and-bailey
Gaslighting
Ad hominem - attacking me instead of my point
Appeal to emotion - ignoring argument, going straight to emotions
Red herring - dragging unrelated points to throw offtrack
Whataboutism - "what about that time you did"
Slippery slope - one small thing supposedly leads to some huge disaster

Which of these do you find easiest to shut down, and which one still gets you every time?