Basically, I just survived high school. I knew if you were good at stuff and you’re funny you could get by but in reality I was hiding so many parts of myself, including suffering with lyme.
Now the lyme has gone really bad partially because of abusive family dynamics.
I am finally starting to have productive conversations with my parents. We sre going to try to confront how I can deal with this lyme situation.
Anyway, someone I haven’t seen in like 10 years who knows I have lyme, but they don’t know the extent of it because well sometimes this person is very booksmart but kind of not in other ways.
I’m literally managing managing so many thresholds like at the point where if I talk too much I lose my voice tomorrow. If I shake someone’s hand, I hurt my hand. If I type too much on my phone I literally fucking burn out my forearm. They get all knotted for weeks.
And I’m managing a stressful household and this illness.
my friend texted me to hang out. I just couldn’t because I don’t feel well but I was trying to …
you know .. put up a boundary lightly with him.
Long story short, he showed up to my house out of nowhere with two other people and left a note and asked my neighbors if I still live there
and all of this is just making me really upset and overwhelmed.
I know what he did is from a good place, but I also I know human nature and what actually happens when you tell people about the realities of Lyme .
And I also feel like one of the last things you get is the personal freedom to control access to yourself and information.
I want to keep them small the things that trouble me because I think it also just bum them out.
I just feel like if I really want to explain the autonomous nervous system, and all the ways that this disease and affects my body and how that impacts my life I have to do it on my own terms, not pressured into it.
I think some of his behavior is driven by grief because one of our other childhood friends died a couple years ago and then one recently.
He knows I have an illness.
But I didn’t create this world. I didn’t create these darker sides of human nature. How do you create my disease and I didn’t create the situation I have with Lyme disease in my family.
But what I do know is how to survive the day to day. If I just go out and be spontaneous and do all this stuff and it causes severe consequences on my body, there’s not much I can do when my body is wasted because a lyme threshold ceiling collapses and I can’t type or talk or mive for four months..
I want to send a text putting up a pretty good boundary of like don’t just come to the house again, but like I love you I don’t know when we’ll hang out in the future, but just respect that please.
Am I being an asshole? I don’t know.