Hey there. This is your friendly neighborhood moderator.

Its been brought to my attention that this sub has been neglected. I'm so sorry. I was unaware how inactive Ive been. I have a feeling I'm the only mod here.

I usually just checked posts here and there that got flagged not checking actual mod mail to allow people to join and post. I'm so sorry. But if people would be able to help with that, that would be fantastic.

Maybe one to check for new comers and one to answer messages? Idk. If I could even get one person to help with that, that would be wonderful.

Thank you.

I finally fully cut off contact with my ex girlfriend at the end of the June and I’m only now grasping with the severity of her emotional abuse. I’ve started EMDR therapy to work on the trauma from that relationship and other complex trauma that has shown up throughout my life, but right now I just feel so resentful towards my ex girlfriend. I know that it’s an understandable emotion to feel considering what I’ve been through, but it genuinely feels so exhausting and draining. I’m thankful for the people in my life who have validated me and actually believed me, but right now it doesn’t outweigh the harm that was done to me

My husband is currently our stay at home parent. We have two kids, ages 8 and 10, both with ADHD. My husband LOooooooves shopping for groceries and thrifting, and does this to excess. But he will not clean our main living area or do decluttering needed -- because the kids made the mess so they should clean it up. It gets to be such a mess, I don't have time due to work.

When I reflected on the work husband is willing to do, it is things like laundry, repairs, and yardwork -- things with a defined 'done' state. He struggles with the work that is never done, like the picking up.

Is there a way that I can help him see or reframe the 'endless' work, so that he helps out with it?

My husband of 18 years struggles to sit down and collaborate. For example, he won't sit to do a monthly budget -- although he will judge me and be upset for spending 'too much' of an undefined amount. He also refuses to just plan, as in make a meal plan for the week and shop according to that. He says instead "I will buy whatever you want me to buy." but he won't meal plan _together_. There are also tons of little small repairs needing to be done at home that he leaves sitting, I think waiting for a time that it can be done 'perfectly.' He wants me to proceed to repair without him, although if I do he will then nonstop criticize the way I am doing/did it. . . . . He can't sit and plan out a schedule for this for me. . . . .Is he ever going to be able to have a true marriage and accept my influence? I don't know if I can stay with this.

Any changes and apologies ever? Or exactly the opposite + playing a victim + a smear campaign behind your back?

I met my soon to be ex husband in our teens.
He did value rules but he wasn’t rigid yet. He could accept blame. He could change his views.

18 years later the man I feel in love with has been completely erased. All that’s left is the deflection, blame shifting, criticism….

It feels like loving someone with dementia. I can remember how it was but he isn’t there anymore.

It’s such a painful loss. And so confusing until he told me his therapist said OCPD.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Do you know if there is a scannable neurological difference in their brains? When they are going through OCPD episodes, they seem to be wired differently and see the reality differently. It's scary.

Basically that. At what point in their therapy (diagnosed OCPD) do they accept they can be at fault and not have to shame spiral or be fully on defense? When do they start to be an adult member of a relationship and take accountability for hurting you and actually apologize?

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I've heard a real "I'm sorry" twice maybe in the past 6 months. Any others (of the few) have been passive aggressive types that are more along the lines of if I hadn't have done this then we wouldn't have been in this situation and he wouldn't have to apologize.

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This is absolutely frustrating and I've already been turning myself off more and more for a few years now because I just can't be faffed tbh. I don't have the energy for this anymore. I want a genuine conversation with someone that will actually consider their actions, understand with empathy that they hurt me, and truly, genuinely apologize.

For those of you whose loved one is the person with OCPD, how do you combat loneliness? Tips?? Hacks??

Having an uOCPD partner results in me having a partner who rarely asks how my day is, is invested in my life, cares to share my worries, or is empathetic/understanding of how hard Motherhood with two high energy kids is. After learning about OCPD, it all makes sense on why ive felt so lonely since he really started displaying symptoms. I am a very personable person who loves “below surface level” relationships and knowing what is truely going on in my loved ones lives.

These people suck the life out of you with all their criticism, hatred of life, bad attitude, exc. so i feel like at the end of the day i dont even have energy after caring for the kids, cleaning the house to an unrealistic standard, dealing wth whatever argument me and uOCPDer get in, to reach out to friends/family to chat.

Thankfully we arent married and im in the processs of getting my ducks in a row in the mean time …

Do you think that when you challenge them in a friendly way there is a positive effect or it's exactly the opposite and they become vindictive and start sticking to their dysfunctional beliefs (which they wanted to pass on you) even more?

My husband is diagnosed OCPD. He has always struggled with moral scrupulosity, but recently I’ve noticed a distinct uptick in his catastrophe thought loops… The specific subject changes every few months but the current loop is that shit is gonna hit the fan in the United States and he’s gotta prep for every possible scenario.

I appreciate that he loves our family and wants to keep us safe and provided for… but he wants me to enter into these “planning” conversations with him. (He ALWAYS wants my input on whatever his current obsession is, but it’s exhausting because unless my opinion 100% aligns with his, he will talk/argue endlessly in circles until I’m exhausted and give up. Nothing I say has any sway on his opinion.) we’ve been married for 14 years at this point and I can tell when he’s trying to draw me into one of these loops. They feel so real and urgent to him that there is NO WAY for me to disengage without him taking great offense. I try to draw boundaries in the kindest possible ways- and he says I’m patronizing him.

I don’t want to live in fear. (I grew up with a father who was a prepper… I don’t want to live like that.) I love my husband so much. He’s my best friend. But these modes he gets in are so exhausting and leave me having to make the choice between “supporting him” but being exhausted and overwhelmed myself, or hurting his feelings by refusing to engage.

Idk if I’m looking for advice or commiseration or what… anything you want to add is welcome.

I have finally saved up enough and become brave enough to leave my parents house.

My father has OCPD and my mother is very abusive (no diagnosis but I would not be surprised if she has NPD).

Has anyone else on this group had to escape from a parent with OCPD? I’m making a list of things I need to do and things to expect afterwards.

Unfortunately, though it is what I ever would have wanted, it does have to be an “escape while they are gone” situation. My father has gotten to the point where he controls absolutely everything in my life: my daily schedule, what I can and cannot do, when I can leave the house and when I cannot. The abuse has also become somatic, where he is using me (by force) to regulate his nervous system and moods. He will never let me leave willingly because he literally can no longer cope without using me this way.
But he’s gonna loose his mind afterwards. And I feel really bad about it, but staying here will kill me.

I'm a natural debater, and I would occasionally bring up what OCPD is. In some lighthearted scenarios, I'd list off the symptoms from google and the shocking relevance would be somewhat humorous for my family, but my OCPD parent would be naturally combative.

Whenever I would bring it up, I'd get mocked for being like a loser therapist who creates fake problems. Whenever I use logic to explain the personality, I just get the usual OCPD responses or get mocked for "coming up with your OCPD BS" When I describe symptoms that perfectly resemble their behavior, I just get told I don't know what I'm talking about and I'm stupid to even bring it up.

I have no doubt my OCPD parent has at least looked it up out of curiosity or in trying to prove me wrong, but they would never admit that. I don't really feel like I want an "I told you so" moment, but I wish my OCPD parent would acknowledge it, not for my own validation or correctness, but so they might realize some of their behaviors. Or is this just a part of OCPD and a hopeless effort.

Obviously logic and debate is a recipe for disaster. Anyone have similar experiences

Do you have any effective strategies to deal with them in such situations?

Hello all, my OCPD gf got her diagnosis after 8 years of my effort. Thereafter, it is 4 years and she refuses to seek any treatment or therapy. She wants to marry me and I have made it clear that she must address OCPD first and that logjam is there for 4 years.

Now she is blaming me for all sorts of things I haven't done and says she will commit suicide if marriage is not done. And then there are crying episodes in morning and night during which everyone is blamed and that she wants to commit suicide.

She ain't ready to see the doctor.

She has an independent grudge with her parents too (mom has mild schizophrenia) and is threatening them to with suicide and doesn't seem to care and they are in theirs 80s.

I don't know what to make of this, she is now kind of putting a gun to her head and saying comply or I will kill myself. There is some menopause issue too perhaps but nothing is clear anymore because everything is justified.

Has anyone experienced this sort of behaviour? What you guys think is happening, this is emotional blackmail or something else at work?

Thank you all

I have super young kids, and despite the fact that i plan to leave once i get my ducks in a row, how do i raise confident kids when they have a very critcal, demeaning, perfectionist type of attitude?

My four year old has a developmental delay and most likely ADHD so you have to be patient when parenting him. It is exhausting, and you have to tell him whatever the ask is for the request multiple times. Yesterday uOCPD told him “he had the brain the size of a pea” when he couldn’t remember something.

uOCPD partner tells our 4 year old all the time to “stop crying like a little cry baby” or the “what is wrong with you.” “It’s not that hard.” He is such a happy go lucky kid and i fear all these comments day in and day out will just destory his self confidence, the way it has detroyed mine. Once i leave, i wont be here to buffer their encounters.

Does anyone have any advice on how to navigate this and successfully raise confident kids?

Comments my partner gets from work include that he is really good at taking and incorporating feedback, really good at being a team player and great with other people, flexible etc. All really great comments. But honestly it made me so mad bc like when I give “feedback” he blows up or is a wall and it can’t get through. Why can they do this at work but not at home? Is it because they take work less personally? I’m almost more frustrated seeing that he does have the capability but just can’t apply it to our relationship

My sister has been told by professionals she had ocd, but recently she's come to the conclusion she likely has ocpd instead. Since reading up on it, I think it's why I've felt so distant from her.

I know people with disorders can't help it- I'm on the spectrum myself, and it's a horrible feeling to have something you can't always control, especially feelings. So I'm extremely sympathetic to that. But I feel so horrible because I just don't like the person my sister is sometimes due to it.

She has to be right during every conversation. Every single one. If you disagree or have a different opinion, she goes on a rant forever afterwards. She just keeps going until I feel forced to agree... And any mistake I make feels overblown. There's been times she's really hurt my feelings, but it's brushed off and not treated as important. Or it's that I'm overdramatic, or that wouldn't have happened if I handled it correctly. But if I make one slight miscalculation, suddenly I'm the worst and I shouldn't have done that thing. It's tiring and impossible to have a nice conversation at times. She can just be so controlling it feels stifling.

Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated. I really hate that I feel this way about her more often, she's my best friend and I love her a lot. I don't want to feel this way about her.

Has anyone else noticed a serious and disturbing empathy deficiency in these people? Mine seemed to perform a lot of empathy, and could be incredibly loving, but only under certain circumstances when he was totally comfortable emotionally. When his control was not being threatened and there was no emotional "tension" or messiness. When there was, he would flip to this kind of avoidant deactivation and devaluation and the empathy was GONE. Zero. Like he wouldn't have cared if I had no choice but to be put out on the street due to his behavior, because to him, his way of thinking is always right. And he'd say things making him still sound like a good guy like "I never wanted bad things for you" .... while not realizing how this sounds, because he's CAUSING it.

This is a drastic example, but one of many. When he was not in his comfort zone of control his empathy vanished. And accountability, self reflection, and apology about his part in things? Never happening.

My ex has OCPD.

Co-parenting has been terrible.

Has anyone else figured out strategies to help?

Partner is saying this isn’t working and wants to end the relationship. I said if he doesn’t want to work on himself there’s nothing else I can do. But then he takes it back and says he doesn’t want it to end. It’s like he wants me to definitively agree to the breakup and have it be “mutual.” But also like won’t fully do it. What’s that about? He’s just stopped talking to me now and I don’t get what he’s doing. Why not just definitively call it?