I'm a white guy in my mid 20s whose type honestly happens to be black women, especially plus size BW, however I don't have a particularly impressive physique. I'm on the lighter side, shorter, and not muscular. I've tried building muscle and am able to remain consistent with the gym, but the calorie counting process always fizzles out. My friend is muscular and has no romantic troubles and attributes this to his physique.

I don’t see this happen with any other interracial pairing. It always seems like there’s this strange fantasy that Black women care about this particular relationship dynamic, and I can honestly say that, from my experience, most of us simply don’t. We don’t regard it as something special, different, or worthy of the amount of attention it’s given.

Some Black men who date white women seem to make their relationships about their disdain for Black women. Some appear to carry unresolved issues with themselves or with their past experiences, and instead of simply enjoying their relationship, they constantly compare it to Black women when no one asked. If you’re happy, be happy. I genuinely appreciate that there’s someone for everyone, and it doesn’t bother me at all to see people with the partners they choose.

I rarely see this dynamic with other interracial couples. It’s often either a white woman assuming Black women are jealous or a Black man publicly criticizing Black women for reasons unrelated to anyone else’s life. Meanwhile, I don’t see white men constantly talking about Black men. They seem focused on their own relationships.

If someone asks me about my experiences dating Black men, I tell the truth based on my own life. I don’t speak negatively about Black men as a whole because I haven’t met every Black man in the world. There are undoubtedly amazing Black men out there. Generalizing entire groups based on personal experiences is simply poor reasoning.

Why are Black women so often made the subject of your relationship when we’re not part of it? Most of us are happy that you’ve found someone who makes you happy. That should be enough.

I’m a legal professional. I was in the GATE program, was reading at four years old, love books and comics, rarely watch television, and I’m a nerd to my core. I grew up in a middle-class Black family with married parents. I’ve never believed I couldn’t find an intelligent, nerdy Black man because I know they exist.

What is harmful is continuing to make broad statements about Black women based on the narrow group of women you’ve personally encountered. Speaking as though “Bonquisha” is the only type of Black woman reveals more about the limits of your own experiences than it does about Black women.

Can you just be with each other and leave us out of it? We don’t need to be the comparison, the explanation, or the villain in your relationship.

I’m 27F and I’m currently in a healthy relationship (BW WM) with a man who treats me very well. The problem is that I struggle to actually believe that I am enough.
Logically, I know a lot of this comes from my own insecurities and past experiences, but I don’t know how to stop these thoughts.

Some background:
- I ‘ve had a fear of being replaced since I was a child. This fear has followed me into all of my relationships.
- I was in an emotionally abusive marriage that ended a couple of years ago, and I know that experience affected how I see love, trust, and my own worth.
- My family (especially my mom) loves me and means well, but I grew up with a lot of messages around needing to “keep” a man by being attractive, staying fit, dressing well, etc. Sometimes it makes me feel like I have to constantly perform to be chosen.
The confusing thing is that I actually know I’m attractive.
I’m a Black woman. I’m midsize/curvy (not skinny), I have boobs and a very nice bum. I am darkskin and I do not have eurocentric features. I take care of myself, I work out, I dress well, I’m educated, ambitious, and I know I bring a lot to the table.

My boyfriend tells me I’m beautiful every single day, multiple times a day. He compliments me constantly, tells me how attracted he is to me, and makes me feel loved.
But my brain still creates these scenarios where I feel like he’s going to leave.
This is my first interracial relationship, and it has added another layer to my insecurity.
I’ve constantly heard in person and on social media that I am not “the type” that many ambitious/established men prefer, and that white men especially have a certain beauty standard they go for, etc.
I know social media is not reality, but those messages have gotten into my head.
The funny thing is that this fear existed even when I was dating Black men. I have always had this fear that someone would find a “better” woman and replace me.

So I know this isn’t only about race, but being in an interracial relationship has amplified it.

For example, my boyfriend previously dated an Asian woman for five years. He even called my asian friend beautiful. When I’m around beautiful Asian women (or honestly any woman I perceive as fitting conventional beauty standards more than me), my brain immediately goes:
“She’s more his type.”
“He’ll eventually realize he can do better.”
“Once he becomes more successful, he’ll want a different kind of woman.”
“I’m only enough for now.”
He has never given me a reason to think this. In fact, he has been very loving and consistent.

People also tell me how attractive he is (“he looks like an actor,” etc.), and instead of feeling happy that I have someone I love, I start thinking:
“Why would someone like him choose me?”

I don’t think other women are competition or that they are doing anything wrong. My fear is simply that he will see someone else and think:
“She would be better for me than my girlfriend.”
I’m tired of feeling like I have to compete with every beautiful woman I see.

I want to be able to enjoy my relationship instead of waiting for the moment where everything falls apart.
Has anyone experienced this, especially in an interracial relationship?

How do you heal from the fear of not being enough and constantly feeling replaceable?
I want to learn how to trust love instead of always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I live in an area with a large Chinese population, and I've noticed that their husbands and boyfriends are super nice to their wives: they help them carry their bags, are very attentive, and are really involved, caring dads with their kids.

As a Latina who has mostly only dated Latino guys, and honestly dealt with a lot of toxic relationships, sometimes when I see these romantic couples: especially compared to what I've been through.
I wonder: In your experience, is that actually how it is? Do you think they make the best husbands compared to other ethnicities?

I feel like if you remove all the fluff, BS, and nice words. If you ask someone why they would or wouldn't date [insert race here], it usually boils down to some form of colorism, featurism, stereotypes, or racism. You just gotta keep asking "why"

Prompt 1:

Person 1: "I'm not attracted to [insert race here]."

Person 2: "Why?"

Person 1: "Just not attracted to their features."

Person 2: "What about those features do you find unattractive"

Person 1: "Insert some stereotypically/borderline racist response here, painting a group with a wide brush"

I'd genuinely like to hear other people's thoughts on this.
I'm an elegant, soft, educated Black woman who takes pride in looking after herself. I've realized that I'm naturally and consistently attracted to White men, and I'm completely okay with that.

What I don't understand is why people are so quick to assume that a preference like mine must come from fetishization or some deeper issue. Why can't attraction simply be attraction?

For me, it has never been about thinking one race is better than another. I'm drawn to qualities like a man's mannerisms, wit, values, habits, romance, emotional maturity, and the way he carries himself. Those are the things that catch my attention and make me feel a genuine connection.

I know fetishization exists, and I don't deny that. But I also think there's a clear difference between reducing someone to their race and naturally finding yourself attracted to a certain type of person.

I wish people would stop projecting their own assumptions onto others. We should be able to date the people we're genuinely drawn to without constantly having to explain ourselves or defend our intentions. Attraction isn't something we switch on or off to please other people.

Being single I will continue pursuing the kind of man I'm genuinely attracted to, regardless of what anyone else thinks. At the end of the day, I'm simply looking for a sincere, meaningful relationship with someone who shares my values and wants to build something real.

I'd love to hear from others. Have you ever felt judged for who you're naturally attracted to? Where do you think the line is between genuine attraction and fetishization?

I’m a Black woman, and for whatever reason I mostly attract and end up dating white men. They’re genuinely my type, so naturally that’s who I end up talking to. Since I’ve lost weight, I’ve noticed I get a lot more attention from them, and while that’s been nice, it’s also brought up an insecurity that I can’t seem to shake.

I constantly worry about whether a guy actually sees me as someone he’d want to build a future with, or if I’m just someone he’s interested in casually. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just an “experiment” or if he’s curious but wouldn’t actually commit to me. I am attractive so I know alot of men wouldn't have a problem fucking me but i wonder if they really want to when there white.

I also find myself wondering if he’s subconsciously racist without even realizing it, or if his family or friends would have a problem with him dating a Black woman. One of my biggest fears is that he really likes me, but then starts caring about what other people think. Like, does he worry about the stares we’d get in public? Would comments from friends or family make him second-guess the relationship? If people around him didn’t approve, would he still proudly choose me?

I hate that my mind even goes there because I know not every white guy is like that, but I can’t help wondering. I don’t want to be with someone who’s embarrassed to be seen with me or who would only date me privately but never seriously.

Maybe this is completely a me issue. Maybe it’s just insecurity and overthinking. I honestly don’t know.
I also don’t really understand why people make such a big deal when a Black woman says her type is white men. It feels like people judge it more than when people of other races say they prefer a different race.

Has anyone else, especially other Black women in interracial relationships, ever felt this way? If so, how did you get over it? Am I overthinking this, or is this a pretty common insecurity? It honestly makes me just want to stop dating or messing around with white men.

We’re a young interracial couple. He’s German & Mexican mixed (everyone just calls him a white guy) and I am Black, Guatemalan & Italian, raised by Black mom & White dad…. Honestly the best and easiest relationship I’ve had so far! We have been together over 2 years now & recently moved in together! He’s even working on the game room and built my PC desk for me! Nerd couple & love my man so much!

Hi im from PH & i broke up with my Indian ex-bf last year and haven't dated since. He was smart, sweet, caring, family-oriented, and we spent almost every day together for 3 months while I was working in Mumbai.

He grew up in mumbai with his mom, but his relatives are from Pune and are a bit traditional (he set my expectation on this but couldn't understand what it means at first). I actually spoke to his mom and relatives on VC, and they seemed like very sweet people. However, they wouldn't allow him to marry a foreign woman. He introduced me to his mom as a "friend," but to his cousins and friends as his "girlfriend." and even met them in person and went outside several times while I was in India. Once his family found out we were dating, they immediately started looking for an arranged marriage for him. He promised to convince them, but he was spineless and never did.

we never spoke again. The worst part is that I don't find guys in my own country attractive anymore at all. i still find Indian men incredibly attractive. i love their distinct sharp facial features, brown eyes, thick hair, and strong masculine builds. Compared to them,i just don't find local Filipino guys attractive anymore. Filipino men (almost the same as indian) have great qualities like being incredibly family-oriented, respectful, and having a warm, friendly appearance, but physically, they just don't match my type right now.

im honestly struggling with this and wanted to ask:

How do I separate my physical attraction to Indian men from my fear of them being spineless with family? how can i start finding men in my country attractive again and stop comparing everyone to indian? (although there's also a lot of expats here but i fear them now).

How to deal with the deeper trauma of this breakup? i realize my fear isn't just about indian men anymore maybe im terrified that anyone I date will just give up on me when things get tough. How do you heal from that kind of betrayal?

I’m a white woman (17) and my bf is a black man (17). He’s very dark, first gen in his family from Nigeria, and I’m pretty light. I keep seeing cute videos of girls doing their bfs makeup :( do I need to buy entire new products just to get to do his? Or is there like a strat I could use where my products are just highlighters on him or smthn? 🙏🙏

I get told this all the time. Like it’s no different than dating someone who isn’t black..

I (22m) have been talking to this girl (22f) long-distance for a couple of months, and this week I finally managed to meet up with her down in London. We had a great time and a serious relationship is definitely in the cards.

She's kind of nerdy and will often research things I've mentioned even in passing, such as the Scottish clan I'm part of or medical conditions that I have. She has communicated to me that she would greatly appreciate it if I researched some topics relevant to her and my relationship to her; one specifically being interracial relationships, seeing as my ethnic background is English and Scottish and hers is Idoma and Igbo (Nigerian).

I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts and experiences on this topic, and if anyone has any suggestions for further research I could do.

This is just an observation I felt compelled to write about in my notes and am just sharing. I just entered my 30s recently, have been a nomad since 15 years old, its a long time away from home, Im from the caribbean and something I have learned about international dating (not just interracial) is you should give it the time a huge gap of culture needs to get to know someone before diving deeper into the romance part. Or you can be surprised for better or worse.

Why? Well I'll give some quick examples.

I was in a 4 yr relationship with an american from the midwest. She was not maga, but almost her entire family was, the funny thing was I found much later that more of them were than I thought. Its probably only her mom who wasnt. I remember there was once where I told her straight up I dont trust her family and I dont want to be around them because there was an incident where they were being really disgusting towards someone and I just didnt wanna be around that energy. Fast forward a couple yrs later, one of her brothers who was laughing with me, asking me dating advice, was on the internet secretly supporting trump in comments. You think she didnt know? Lol its not the first time I've seen americans do a 180, and even she did a 180 after we broke up.

Fast forward to now Im talking to an argentinian girl, and Argentina is one of those countries I've always been not fully trusting of. I had a black classmate who moved there and I dont think I've ever heard him not talk about racism there. I've been there, I've known argentinians and not the same experience, but I know that doesnt mean that much. Even if you look at their run through the world cup, I live in Brasil now and so I get more exposure to them than before, and flash news, most of it isnt good. I get standing for your country, but its interesting that you'd get mad seeing me for defend a mexican who was being insulted for no good reason, instead of being mad at the agressor just because he's from your country. Its that same thing repeating itself.

But its not all bad, I dated a woman from Germany, and even though we broke up we're still very good friends. Sure there are things in the german culture I dont like as much, but I appreciate so much more about them, their hard work more, strive for excellence more than anything, its inspiring. Im sure you can find some racist germans but I cant say I've had many bad experiences with them.

Now that takes time, it takes knowing the right person cuz the person can influence it, so its not that everyone you meet from somewhere is bad, or that a certain culture doesnt work, but it emphasized not overlooking that difference in culture. I was thinking about that cuz someone recently asked me what I learned from dating other nationalities. Will I still date americans, argentinians, asians, probably lol. You csnr choose who you fall for, attraction has its oen way of working, but letting things take their time specially when you have a lot of differences I think goes a long way.

I am a white male 64 . Throughout my life I have had crushes on beautiful black women. Usually it ended in rejection for one reason or another and I moved on I have had feelings for women of other races as well so it's not like im exclusively attracted to women of color.

2 years ago I met Dominique a beautiful woman of color who started working at my job. At first i didn't think we would get along. She seemed for lack of a better term kind of a bitch that was until I got to know her better and saw the wonemderful kind woman she was.

About a month and a half ago i finally came to terms with the fact that I have feelings for her. But these feelings are much more intense than anything I have ever felt for another woman of color before or actually any woman period. It's almost as if this is more than just a simple crush.

She's no longer a co worker but we still keep in touch. I have felt at times that there might be mutual feelings but the issue is shes 44 so young enough to be ny daughter and Im scared to say anything to her out of fear of being seen as a creep because im old enough to be her dad.

So can anyone explain why ny feelings for her are so much nore inte se than for anyone else before her?

Apologies in advance for the length of this post ... I admit I joined this community a couple of days ago as I am seeking to understand my experiences with my white in-laws. I don't know if this is the right community to post this ... if it's not, please forgive the post and do let me know a better place I may be able to turn to vent/seek support!

For context, I've been married to my husband for almost 14 years ... We have a loving and stable marriage. I am South Asian and he is white.

My husband and I have been through a lot - including a life threatening illness in our household that took years of hospitalizations, treatment, recovery and then a lot of mental health therapy/support to overcome the challenges we've faced. We have endured a lot, and thankfully, our marriage and our household have remained intact throughout the hardships. We work very hard. Very very hard.

I am genuinely struggling to understand what is going on between myself and my in-laws in recent months / years - really since this second Trump administration.

During the first Trump admin, there was a lot of outward expression of support toward me - there were a lot of "I love you"'s and "thank you for your (act of activism)" .... it wasn't a constant stream of support either, but there was enough said and reflected toward me that I felt both seen as well as affirmed.

What's so odd is that these supportive messages have not only completely stopped, but my in-laws - in particular, my husband's older sister as well as my mother in law - have really shifted their behaviors toward me.... It;s leaving me feeling confused.

What hurts most is that all of them know first hand the many difficulties my husband and I have survived through. We have overcome a lot. Our experiences when we are around my family, my husband and I are treated with gentleness and empathy because of our hardships.

In my husband's family, we get none of that. These days, nobody wants to even acknowledge what we've been through and how well we've done - as we are just getting to the other side of a few difficult years. There's just this bizarre void... I want to be clear that I am not saying that my in laws need to give us special treatment when we're around - but I almost feel like thats how they're seeing and interpreting things ... some of the things that go on, for example, are things like my sister in-law saying cruel and shitty things about us when we are around (ie: lots of eye rolling and intentionally audible shit talking when my husband and I walk out of a room about one or both of us) and when either my husband and I push back on that type of behavior, I feel like we are basically being told to "get back into line" ...

I don't mean to keep going on and on about it, but truly, my husband and I have been through a lot - and I feel sorry for my husband that some of his immediate family members appear to be choosing to disrespect him instead of showing him love and support. Thankfully, my husband is good with his boundaries. There was an incident almost a year ago in which his older sister actively and openly disrespected my husband to the point it got abusive ... Her behavior was shocking. And, as to be expected, there was no shame and she absolutely refused to acknowledge or apologize for her behavior. Given the egregiousness of my SIL's behavior, we more or less assumed my mother in law would see our side of things. But, in spite of her previous support of my husband and I, she got immediately onto the white supremacy bandwagon and defensively jumped to defend her daughters socially liable behaviors.

I guess what I want to say is that these are relationships were previously really important to me and I am struggling to make sense out of it. At this point, we've gone NC with his sister. I dont want to do that with my MIL, as I have genuinely cared for these people ... but my husband and I have really been through a lot and even our medical and mental health team is shocked by the way my husband's family is choosing to behave right now in light of the medical stuff in our household.....

I guess my feelings about our situation is pretty clear... but the reality of whiteness still never ceases to shock and amaze me .... I've been in their family for almost 15 years with a near death experience in tow, and yet their petty needs to be centered clearly "trump" all else ... Oof ... How grotesque...

How should I handle my MIL going forward?

Context: I’ve been with my partner for four years. His family has a weekly tradition of Sunday dinners together which I appreciated. But lately I am deciding to choose to opt out due to a comment by MIL that left me feeling really uncomfortable

MIL is a painter who does portraits- recently she told me that she is doing a portrait of my partner’s brothers new girlfriend (they’ve been dating for 3 weeks) because she has medieval features. It felt like a thinly veiled euphemism for Eurocentric beauty standards that I didn’t fit in.

Am I overreacting to this ? (Extra context I am Asian ) also I don’t actually want my portrait to be done lol it’s just the principle of it

Also if anyone has a similar experience of any microaggression would love to know how you dealt with it

I’m a White Christian female (26F) dating an Indian Hindu Male (29M). We both are pursuing PhD’s in the US and both want to settle here. We have been dating for over a year, and he has been in the US for over 7 years pursuing his advanced degrees.

I grew up in a culture where independence and individual autonomy are the norm, while he comes from a culture and family where family involvement and obligations seem to play a major role. I genuinely have aspired to respect his family na culture, and I have always tried to approach my questions regarding the same with an open mind. However, as we have started recently having more serious conversations about marriage, engagement, children, and our future, some of the expectations that have come up have been eye-opening and a tad concerning to me.

I need an outside perspective. I genuinely cannot tell whether I am overthinking these conversations and differences, whether I am not compromising enough, whether these expectations are culturally normal, or whether some of these things should be considered red flags. If the latter is true, what advice would you give me?

We have been dating for a year, and while his father knows about me, his mother does not. Even with his father, I am not entirely sure how much he knows about our relationship or whether I have been clearly presented as his romantic partner rather than a friend. I have never spoken to either of his parents. On the occasions when they video call him while I am around, I am asked to stay quiet so they do not know I am there.

He explained to me that he wants both a traditional Hindu wedding in India and a wedding in the U.S. I told him I am happy to oblige fully in the traditions he wants for our wedding in India. However, I explained to him that our wedding in the U.S. would be completely different from what he is expecting since traditional Christian ceremonies are relatively short compared with the multiple days of festivities involved in many Indian weddings. What concerns me most is that he has told me the first time I would meet his family would likely be on the video call after our engagement. He plans to tell his mother about me shortly before that, meaning I may meet and potentially even speak to his family for the first time in-person at our wedding… even though they are coming to where we are for his doctorate graduation in December.

The issue that concerns me the most out of everything, is how he is (1) not transparent upon request and (2) how he would prioritize his family in the most delicate life events. I will speak upon the latter first.

He knows that pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum recovery is going to be medically complex and physically difficult for me because of a medical condition I have, although it is not genetic. During many conversations, I have breached the topic of family involvement. During one very recent conversation, I mentioned how I would sincerely appreciate it if it was just the two of us at the hospital when the time comes and during the first month of postpartum because I have an extremely weak immune system and will be extremely physically vulnerable during that time.

He responded immediately: (1) “I am literally giving up including my folks during the birth of their grandchild, and I was happily doing that for you”, (2) “Well, it’s very traditional and a very important day in my life. And I always thought my folks would be there to be part of my happiness,” and (3) “They need to be at our home when you are released from the hospital because what if I’m too tired to cook?” I explained to him the stark difference in our two perspectives. For me, I am excited to marry him and live my life with him, including strength with him during our most vital life moments. I feel like he will never be able to put me completely first (mentally, physically, and spiritually) when I need it the most. I told him I don’t feel like he is regarding me and prioritizing me the same way he is his parents.

I’m at a loss. I’ve taken both of your advice and have had numerous conversations with him about how that would make me feel in life, but he says that “I’m overreacting because he shows effort through actions, not words.” We cannot demonstrate many of these future situations through “actions” in the present which leaves me wondering if I would always feel this way when I do not know if I will be able to be put first. I’m devastated.

What do I do? Am I being overly sensitive? Any advice is welcomed. Any advice is welcomed and much appreciated!!

I (mid-20s F) am white, and my boyfriend (mid-20s M) is Black. We've been together for about two years.

I grew up in a predominantly white suburb and attended a college that wasn't very diverse, so I've realized there are experiences and perspectives I simply haven't been exposed to. As our relationship has become more serious, I've been wanting to further educate myself so I can be a better partner now and, if we eventually have children, a better parent.

Early in our relationship I read The New Jim Crowand Between the World and Me. I'd love if anyone could share additional book recommendations. I'm especially interested in books that the black experience in America or offer thoughtful perspectives on interracial relationships and families. I’m open to any online resources as well!

Thanks in advance!

Me and my wife have been married for about 7 months. I am Kazakh 🇰🇿 and She is from Jamaica 🇯🇲. She really is so amazing and such a light in my life

My long-distance boyfriend is flying in to see me tomorrow (yay ❤️), but something happened recently that’s left me with some weird feelings.

He recently told his parents about me and showed them a picture for the first time. I’m Black (mixed race), and this is my first time dating an Asian man.
His mom was apparently more curious than anything, but his dad said he was upset after finding out.

My boyfriend has always been very upfront with me about his family. He told me early on that he intentionally keeps them at a distance because they’re very judgmental, and he said this situation doesn’t change anything for him… it just reaffirms why he has those boundaries. I completely believe him, and I don’t have any doubts about where he stands.

I think what I’m processing is that I’ve never experienced this before with a partner’s family. I’ve never had to sit with the idea that someone could disapprove of me before even meeting me, based solely on my race. It’s a strange feeling, and I’m still figuring out how I feel about it.

I’m not even sure what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe advice from people who’ve been in interracial relationships, maybe stories from others who’ve experienced something similar, or maybe I just needed to get it off my chest.

Either way, thanks for reading.

If you told me that I’d meet my future husband on Reddit of all places, I’d think you were crazy. But it happened, and we’re enjoying every moment of being together.

I live in NYC Harlem to be and am fairly handsome atleast within my own demographic. I don’t have any experience approaching or dating white women. If a stranger found you attractive while you were out, would you want him to approach you at all? If yes, what would make it feel respectful instead of uncomfortable?
Are there things that immediately make you think, “I’m glad he came over,” or “Please leave me alone”?
I just want to understand what makes an approach feel natural and respectful, especially from someone you don’t know.
”

As the title says I was recently seeing a black guy (we ended it bc it was the right time but wrong place, but I could see us getting together one day in a few years).
We were talking about the things we find attractive and what we want in a partner and he said that he doesn't think he could date a black woman, like he's just been attracted to them. That really caught me off guard. He admitted that it was probably some internalized stuff, but he also told me it may be bc hes never really felt accepted by the black community (he is very smart and nerdy, and is very high achieving professionally) but that didnt quite make sense to me.
I dont really have any black friends to ask their opinion on it, and have honestly never heard of this kind of thing before, but I wanted to get the opinion of black people to see how normal/weird this is.