I just wanted to share this depiction of my anger and the exile it is protecting. I thought this community might be the only people who could appreciate what this feels like. 😮‍💨

I have been self-administering IFS since before I even knew what it was, over five years. It’s been extremely useful in helping me heal, fuse, and integrate damaged parts of myself.

Over the last couple of years, I had managed to fuse enough tiny parts together to have seven much more whole parts at ages ranging from 7 to 46. Previously, they were essentially splintered and shattered into tiny little bits. I ‘saw’ them in my head as living in a house together, keeping one another company, fairly peaceably I might add.

Recently, though, I no longer ‘see’ them in my head, but I can feel them in my body. Rather than having seven unintegrated parts, I’m an integrated whole, but one that still needs healing: these internalized parts still have traumas that need dealing with. They correspond to my chakras. Perhaps now that they’re integrated, what they need is healing in order to achieve fusion.

The really interesting part is that I feel like my newly integrated Inner Self has three faces: my everyday face that I and everyone else see, my Jungian ‘Shadow’ face that only I see, and what I can only identify as an Observer that sort of stands outside Me and feeds me information I can’t get otherwise. It’s odd, but still useful.

Has anyone else experienced ANY of this? None of it feels bad, in fact it all feels pretty darn good, I guess I’m just not familiar with the process or what to expect next. If anyone can lend any insight, I’d be most grateful. Thanks so much.

I'm working with a therapist and also doing solo work. I started roughly 8 months ago, and my initial progress was lightning quick. I unearthed what I thought was all of my trauma, dealt with my alexithymia, my please pleasing, my co-dependance, figured out the ins and outs of my CPTSD, and more.

Maybe a couple months into therapy, I started feeling spectacular. I mean, like, really. Happy for the first time in my life, after having been dissociated almost my entire life. I could feel things! I felt hope, I felt contentment, I felt joy. Everything was as if I was doing it for the very first time.

I was making all of my inner child's dreams come true. All the things he has wanted to do, but never could. I was feeling so hopeful. I was so productive. I thought I had dealt with my trauma. Looking back, that was probably foolish of me. I have almost 3 decades of trauma to process.

Recently, it felt like my progress had stalled, so I dug deeper, started asking different sort of questions from my parts, and something... broke. A new level of emotions, except this time it wasn't the hope and the joy from start of therapy, but instead pain, hurt, anger, hopelessness, loss, regret, and fear.

I don't know what to do with this. I don't know how to deal with this. This is the most I've felt since I started IFS, but it feels bad. It feels dark. It feels overwhelming. I thought progress would have its ups and downs, but this... this is darker than before I started therapy. I feel like I'm on the brink of being swallowed up by a tsunami all day long. I can't ground myself like I used to.

My therapist told me that this was part of the work, that this was necessary, that my nervous system finally feels safe enough to unlock all these buried emotions from my traumas.

And yet all I really want to do is run. Distract myself. Escape. Each time I do parts work now, it feels like everything is marred with darkness. Each tiny little bit of progress I make feels like it's a grain of sand on a beach. I don't know what to do.

I've lost faith in my therapist, I think. I don't know whether to weather the storm or stop or run or what.

Do you ever notice your healing showing up in really ordinary ways?

This feels small, but I think it says something bigger.

Yesterday my son had a medication check appointment. For the past couple of years, my anxiety and cPTSD have kept me pretty hands-off with a lot of his appointments. I’ve felt overwhelmed by some “adult” responsibilities, and my husband usually handled them.

For context, I’ve been diagnosed with cPTSD for as long as I can remember, and my son has had a PTSD diagnosis for years. Every doctor we’ve seen has focused on treating symptoms like depression, anxiety, ADHD, etc.

Yesterday, I got curious instead of overwhelmed. Before the appointment, I looked up whether there are medications that are specifically used for PTSD. Sure enough, there are options that can help target PTSD-related symptoms.

I went into the appointment, calmly explained what I’d learned, asked if one of those medications might be appropriate for my son, and the provider agreed it was worth trying. He left with a new prescription.

I walked out feeling so proud of myself.

Not because I “knew better” than the doctor, but because I showed up as a calm, capable adult and advocated for my child instead of shutting down.

A part of me felt a little sad that no one had connected those dots sooner. But mostly, there was hope. And SO much Self energy!!

As I’ve been doing IFS, I’ve noticed that my protectors don’t have to run every interaction anymore. Instead of feeling intimidated by authority figures or convinced I’m going to say something wrong, I found myself genuinely curious and collaborative.

And the biggest thing? I didn’t think about the conversation with the doctor once after the appointment. No replaying it. No worrying about how I sounded. No “what if I said the wrong thing?”

It wasn’t a huge, dramatic breakthrough. It was just… different.

Healing isn’t always measured by what happens in therapy or by some revolutionary change. Sometimes it’s realizing you are quietly, little by little, becoming the adult your younger parts always needed.

In what way do your parts communicate with you - when you haven’t initiated a conversation? How do you recognise this?

Mind
My greatest asset
Of thinking
Of making decisions
All nerves come from your center
But also
In keeping me safe
By intellectualising
By overthinking
By keeping me in a loop
With good reason
Pun intented
To keep me safe
So I wouldnt go into the body
Because it was too overwhelming
So I lived in my head
My whole life
But this is not your fault
It is not your fault
It is not your fault
You just kept me safe
From everything
You still do it
You hijack me
Thank you for doing that
Also disassociating
Such a big burden you were given
I am sorry
I am very sorry
You are overworked for years
Thank u for keeping me safe
When you are ready, you can go back to your original role
But not immediately
Because I still couldn't cope if you would go right now
Maybe stay a little longer
Because I don't know if I am ready to let you go
I found solace in you
Friendship in you
Because you kept me company always
You will always be a part of me
Just not overworked anymore
When you are ready
I will wait as long as needed
My sincerest apologies for having to work so much since childhood
And my sincerest gratitude to you
My mind
My greatest asset
I couldn't have made it without you
Thank u deeply from the deepest and purest part of my heart

Little me and teenage me are asking me to show my therapist photos. I think I want to as like a symbolic gesture almost for them, like symbolically letting them know that someone cares and loves them. Even if not who we thought or hoped for, there are people here now. That also don’t gaslight us, or make excuses or abuse us. And that I care about them now, or as much as I can within my capacity.

I am just wondering if that is a weird thing to want to tell my therapist? She already let me know I could show her photos if I wanted to. I feel like I want to explain WHY I want to share them. And I also feel weird explaining all of this. I have a lot of parts competing with my attention lately and it is hard to compartmentalise and be able to hear them individually and I want to honor some of what they are saying.

I have a sensitivity exile that is burdened. Thats what made it an exile and it was burdened by an emotionallg invalidating environment (parents and narcissistic parenting) and so I had to mask and cap my sensitivity so i wouldnt get hurt. My nervous system got trapped in hypervigilance. After over 4 years of therapy i feel like i got a big release. So much cortisol and adrenaline got released out of me today. It feels like it was stored for so long. I dont live with my parents anymore but my nervous system after the session ended i allowed myself to cry because i felt safe to. I always felt like i was holding back tears. I couldnt look people in the eyes because i would tear up and it would be so consuming holding it in.

So my nervous system relaxed more like imagine a faucet and the faucet is on but theres no hole to release. I got some release finally. I feel like my nervous system is much more fluid, like jello almost. I even acquired stimming just today. Hand flapping, toes twitching, relaxing movements that feel amazing. I think its my bodies reaction to pent up nervous system frozenness. It truly feels euphoric and freeing like theres no judgement to just be.

Its interesting because i dont recall this behaviour before the trauma. So i wondered if its autism. What if i was autistic all along and trauma caused me to suppress my nervous system, resulting in a freeze state? Could be. But now that i released some of that freeze state, my nervous system is allowing me to self regulate much better now. I feel more sensitive to everything without the shame attached.

Growing up in a world that automaticallg shames sensitive people makes it a burden, an exile. But I feel more free and relaxed because I am more attunted to my needs. I tried to suppress it, "it's not a big deal, no one else is bothered" so I suppressed my naturally inclination to be sensitive to my needs. But now I embrace them heavily and deeply! I feel happy.

I dont know where to go from here. But i feel much more liberating and euphoric because it finally feels like i have control over my nervous system. Im not so scared to just "be". Its very liberating. Figured sharing

Inspired by Pete Walker's 13 Steps for Managing Flashbacks.

I made a short list of bullet points over the last three days and asked Gemini to improve it. I then iterated with Gemini and arrived at this version. It consistently helps me to grieve and cry.

A major advantage of the steps: I have difficulties to switch into the "grieving mode" and this protocol takes that into account.

My Protocol for Emotional Flashbacks

Pause. You don't have to accomplish anything right now. Read through these sections slowly — point by point, like a deep breath. Give your body time to feel the words.

🛑 Step 1: The Emergency Stop (Immediate Relief)

• I can't work right now. That is completely OK.
• Whatever I had planned to do: I don't have to do it RIGHT NOW.
• I sometimes cling to the idea that I must work constantly just to earn my right to exist. That is not true. My right to exist is unconditional.
• I am moody, and my ability to function is often impaired. That is human. That is OK.

🛡️ Step 2: Honoring My Protectors (Understanding the Refusal)

• My demand avoidance and my paralysis are not a failure. They are my most loyal defense mechanism.
• My system refuses to function in order to protect me from external control, exhaustion, and a feeling of powerlessness.
• When every task feels like a threat, my inner protector pulls the emergency brake. It does this out of love for me.
• Thank you, my inner protector. Thank you for watching over my boundaries around the clock for years. I see you.
• Do what you think is right. I trust you.

🕊️ Step 3: Safety, Space & My Potential (Honesty & Reconciliation)

• I live and work in a state of flow. Whatever is happening right now is allowed to change.
• I feel the pain over the past years — over started projects, abandoned ideas, and the sense of unused potential. This pain is allowed to be here.
• My shifting interests were often self-sabotage to protect me from the risk of actually finishing. But it was the best I could do at the time.
• My many interests are not a weakness, but a great strength. I am only now learning, step by step, how to manage them lovingly and sustainably.
• I am allowed to make plans — and I am allowed to react from moment to moment without losing myself in chaos.
• I don't need to know right now what I feel like doing. I am allowed to explore without attachment to outcomes or expectations.

💔 Step 4: Acknowledging the Origin (Feeling the Pain of My Youth)

• I am needy. I am afraid, and sometimes I am overwhelmed by what life demands of me. That is OK.
• I offered my parents my love, but they were not open to receiving it. I had to cope with that somehow, and I have been carrying that heavy burden ever since.
• When parents cannot love their child, deep wounds and immense confusion remain. That happened to me. It was NOT OK.
• My parents and siblings were often thoughtless and mean. They weren't interested in me as a person. I grew up in an environment where there was no room for me to unfold and be seen.

👶 Step 5: Meeting the Crying Baby (The Deepest Wound)

• Inside me lives a tiny, helpless baby. It cries often, has no words, and cannot explain its needs.
• My parents were not there when I needed them most. They gave me no comfort when I felt lost.
• I know the feeling of being completely abandoned and helpless. This panic is not my imagination — it is my body's real memory of back then.
• I now allow myself to feel the huge, wordless fear of this baby. I am no longer running away from it.
• I don't ask with annoyance: "When is this finally going to be over?"
• I gently place my hand on my chest or embrace myself and say: "I will stay right here with you, no matter how loudly you cry. You are no longer alone. Your crying is heard. You don't have to do anything to be loved."

👑 Step 6: Recognizing My Strength & Self-Care (Comfort & Appreciation)

• This protocol itself is proof of how well I am caring for myself today.
• I am competent to grieve my wounds. I can give myself the comfort I missed so deeply back then.
• I was never defenseless. I am strong. My protectors looked out for me around the clock — in my own way, I was never completely alone.
• I stumbled into real life back then before I was even ready for it. And I still managed to handle it remarkably well. I am not doing poorly at all.
• People love and appreciate me today — exactly as I am — even if I am often dissatisfied with myself.

🌱 Step 7: Patience with My Growth (The Landing)

• Because I was on my own back then, I often overextended myself. I still sometimes lack the exact awareness of my boundaries.
• I am now learning to listen to my quiet emotions and amplify them to catch up on what I missed back then.
• When I am unsure of what is a strength or a weakness in me, I meet myself with patience, acceptance, and love.
• My ambition is allowed to have space — but I also allow myself to feel overwhelmed by it.
• My progress is allowed to feel shaky. I am learning every day. I am taking all the time in the world.

Is it the nervous system that goes into freeze that causes your parts to have these beliefs or is it the parts with beliefs that cause you to into freeze. For example, I did some somatic work, I felt much better, could hear parts more clearly like shame and then I went back into freeze and not hearing parts as clearly before I had a chance to work with the part. How do you break this loop?