I just wanted to share this depiction of my anger and the exile it is protecting. I thought this community might be the only people who could appreciate what this feels like. 😮‍💨

I'm working with a therapist and also doing solo work. I started roughly 8 months ago, and my initial progress was lightning quick. I unearthed what I thought was all of my trauma, dealt with my alexithymia, my please pleasing, my co-dependance, figured out the ins and outs of my CPTSD, and more.

Maybe a couple months into therapy, I started feeling spectacular. I mean, like, really. Happy for the first time in my life, after having been dissociated almost my entire life. I could feel things! I felt hope, I felt contentment, I felt joy. Everything was as if I was doing it for the very first time.

I was making all of my inner child's dreams come true. All the things he has wanted to do, but never could. I was feeling so hopeful. I was so productive. I thought I had dealt with my trauma. Looking back, that was probably foolish of me. I have almost 3 decades of trauma to process.

Recently, it felt like my progress had stalled, so I dug deeper, started asking different sort of questions from my parts, and something... broke. A new level of emotions, except this time it wasn't the hope and the joy from start of therapy, but instead pain, hurt, anger, hopelessness, loss, regret, and fear.

I don't know what to do with this. I don't know how to deal with this. This is the most I've felt since I started IFS, but it feels bad. It feels dark. It feels overwhelming. I thought progress would have its ups and downs, but this... this is darker than before I started therapy. I feel like I'm on the brink of being swallowed up by a tsunami all day long. I can't ground myself like I used to.

My therapist told me that this was part of the work, that this was necessary, that my nervous system finally feels safe enough to unlock all these buried emotions from my traumas.

And yet all I really want to do is run. Distract myself. Escape. Each time I do parts work now, it feels like everything is marred with darkness. Each tiny little bit of progress I make feels like it's a grain of sand on a beach. I don't know what to do.

I've lost faith in my therapist, I think. I don't know whether to weather the storm or stop or run or what.

Do you ever notice your healing showing up in really ordinary ways?

This feels small, but I think it says something bigger.

Yesterday my son had a medication check appointment. For the past couple of years, my anxiety and cPTSD have kept me pretty hands-off with a lot of his appointments. I’ve felt overwhelmed by some “adult” responsibilities, and my husband usually handled them.

For context, I’ve been diagnosed with cPTSD for as long as I can remember, and my son has had a PTSD diagnosis for years. Every doctor we’ve seen has focused on treating symptoms like depression, anxiety, ADHD, etc.

Yesterday, I got curious instead of overwhelmed. Before the appointment, I looked up whether there are medications that are specifically used for PTSD. Sure enough, there are options that can help target PTSD-related symptoms.

I went into the appointment, calmly explained what I’d learned, asked if one of those medications might be appropriate for my son, and the provider agreed it was worth trying. He left with a new prescription.

I walked out feeling so proud of myself.

Not because I “knew better” than the doctor, but because I showed up as a calm, capable adult and advocated for my child instead of shutting down.

A part of me felt a little sad that no one had connected those dots sooner. But mostly, there was hope. And SO much Self energy!!

As I’ve been doing IFS, I’ve noticed that my protectors don’t have to run every interaction anymore. Instead of feeling intimidated by authority figures or convinced I’m going to say something wrong, I found myself genuinely curious and collaborative.

And the biggest thing? I didn’t think about the conversation with the doctor once after the appointment. No replaying it. No worrying about how I sounded. No “what if I said the wrong thing?”

It wasn’t a huge, dramatic breakthrough. It was just… different.

Healing isn’t always measured by what happens in therapy or by some revolutionary change. Sometimes it’s realizing you are quietly, little by little, becoming the adult your younger parts always needed.

Little me and teenage me are asking me to show my therapist photos. I think I want to as like a symbolic gesture almost for them, like symbolically letting them know that someone cares and loves them. Even if not who we thought or hoped for, there are people here now. That also don’t gaslight us, or make excuses or abuse us. And that I care about them now, or as much as I can within my capacity.

I am just wondering if that is a weird thing to want to tell my therapist? She already let me know I could show her photos if I wanted to. I feel like I want to explain WHY I want to share them. And I also feel weird explaining all of this. I have a lot of parts competing with my attention lately and it is hard to compartmentalise and be able to hear them individually and I want to honor some of what they are saying.

I have a sensitivity exile that is burdened. Thats what made it an exile and it was burdened by an emotionallg invalidating environment (parents and narcissistic parenting) and so I had to mask and cap my sensitivity so i wouldnt get hurt. My nervous system got trapped in hypervigilance. After over 4 years of therapy i feel like i got a big release. So much cortisol and adrenaline got released out of me today. It feels like it was stored for so long. I dont live with my parents anymore but my nervous system after the session ended i allowed myself to cry because i felt safe to. I always felt like i was holding back tears. I couldnt look people in the eyes because i would tear up and it would be so consuming holding it in.

So my nervous system relaxed more like imagine a faucet and the faucet is on but theres no hole to release. I got some release finally. I feel like my nervous system is much more fluid, like jello almost. I even acquired stimming just today. Hand flapping, toes twitching, relaxing movements that feel amazing. I think its my bodies reaction to pent up nervous system frozenness. It truly feels euphoric and freeing like theres no judgement to just be.

Its interesting because i dont recall this behaviour before the trauma. So i wondered if its autism. What if i was autistic all along and trauma caused me to suppress my nervous system, resulting in a freeze state? Could be. But now that i released some of that freeze state, my nervous system is allowing me to self regulate much better now. I feel more sensitive to everything without the shame attached.

Growing up in a world that automaticallg shames sensitive people makes it a burden, an exile. But I feel more free and relaxed because I am more attunted to my needs. I tried to suppress it, "it's not a big deal, no one else is bothered" so I suppressed my naturally inclination to be sensitive to my needs. But now I embrace them heavily and deeply! I feel happy.

I dont know where to go from here. But i feel much more liberating and euphoric because it finally feels like i have control over my nervous system. Im not so scared to just "be". Its very liberating. Figured sharing

Mind
My greatest asset
Of thinking
Of making decisions
All nerves come from your center
But also
In keeping me safe
By intellectualising
By overthinking
By keeping me in a loop
With good reason
Pun intented
To keep me safe
So I wouldnt go into the body
Because it was too overwhelming
So I lived in my head
My whole life
But this is not your fault
It is not your fault
It is not your fault
You just kept me safe
From everything
You still do it
You hijack me
Thank you for doing that
Also disassociating
Such a big burden you were given
I am sorry
I am very sorry
You are overworked for years
Thank u for keeping me safe
When you are ready, you can go back to your original role
But not immediately
Because I still couldn't cope if you would go right now
Maybe stay a little longer
Because I don't know if I am ready to let you go
I found solace in you
Friendship in you
Because you kept me company always
You will always be a part of me
Just not overworked anymore
When you are ready
I will wait as long as needed
My sincerest apologies for having to work so much since childhood
And my sincerest gratitude to you
My mind
My greatest asset
I couldn't have made it without you
Thank u deeply from the deepest and purest part of my heart

Inspired by Pete Walker's 13 Steps for Managing Flashbacks.

I made a short list of bullet points over the last three days and asked Gemini to improve it. I then iterated with Gemini and arrived at this version. It consistently helps me to grieve and cry.

A major advantage of the steps: I have difficulties to switch into the "grieving mode" and this protocol takes that into account.

My Protocol for Emotional Flashbacks

Pause. You don't have to accomplish anything right now. Read through these sections slowly — point by point, like a deep breath. Give your body time to feel the words.

🛑 Step 1: The Emergency Stop (Immediate Relief)

• I can't work right now. That is completely OK.
• Whatever I had planned to do: I don't have to do it RIGHT NOW.
• I sometimes cling to the idea that I must work constantly just to earn my right to exist. That is not true. My right to exist is unconditional.
• I am moody, and my ability to function is often impaired. That is human. That is OK.

🛡️ Step 2: Honoring My Protectors (Understanding the Refusal)

• My demand avoidance and my paralysis are not a failure. They are my most loyal defense mechanism.
• My system refuses to function in order to protect me from external control, exhaustion, and a feeling of powerlessness.
• When every task feels like a threat, my inner protector pulls the emergency brake. It does this out of love for me.
• Thank you, my inner protector. Thank you for watching over my boundaries around the clock for years. I see you.
• Do what you think is right. I trust you.

🕊️ Step 3: Safety, Space & My Potential (Honesty & Reconciliation)

• I live and work in a state of flow. Whatever is happening right now is allowed to change.
• I feel the pain over the past years — over started projects, abandoned ideas, and the sense of unused potential. This pain is allowed to be here.
• My shifting interests were often self-sabotage to protect me from the risk of actually finishing. But it was the best I could do at the time.
• My many interests are not a weakness, but a great strength. I am only now learning, step by step, how to manage them lovingly and sustainably.
• I am allowed to make plans — and I am allowed to react from moment to moment without losing myself in chaos.
• I don't need to know right now what I feel like doing. I am allowed to explore without attachment to outcomes or expectations.

💔 Step 4: Acknowledging the Origin (Feeling the Pain of My Youth)

• I am needy. I am afraid, and sometimes I am overwhelmed by what life demands of me. That is OK.
• I offered my parents my love, but they were not open to receiving it. I had to cope with that somehow, and I have been carrying that heavy burden ever since.
• When parents cannot love their child, deep wounds and immense confusion remain. That happened to me. It was NOT OK.
• My parents and siblings were often thoughtless and mean. They weren't interested in me as a person. I grew up in an environment where there was no room for me to unfold and be seen.

👶 Step 5: Meeting the Crying Baby (The Deepest Wound)

• Inside me lives a tiny, helpless baby. It cries often, has no words, and cannot explain its needs.
• My parents were not there when I needed them most. They gave me no comfort when I felt lost.
• I know the feeling of being completely abandoned and helpless. This panic is not my imagination — it is my body's real memory of back then.
• I now allow myself to feel the huge, wordless fear of this baby. I am no longer running away from it.
• I don't ask with annoyance: "When is this finally going to be over?"
• I gently place my hand on my chest or embrace myself and say: "I will stay right here with you, no matter how loudly you cry. You are no longer alone. Your crying is heard. You don't have to do anything to be loved."

👑 Step 6: Recognizing My Strength & Self-Care (Comfort & Appreciation)

• This protocol itself is proof of how well I am caring for myself today.
• I am competent to grieve my wounds. I can give myself the comfort I missed so deeply back then.
• I was never defenseless. I am strong. My protectors looked out for me around the clock — in my own way, I was never completely alone.
• I stumbled into real life back then before I was even ready for it. And I still managed to handle it remarkably well. I am not doing poorly at all.
• People love and appreciate me today — exactly as I am — even if I am often dissatisfied with myself.

🌱 Step 7: Patience with My Growth (The Landing)

• Because I was on my own back then, I often overextended myself. I still sometimes lack the exact awareness of my boundaries.
• I am now learning to listen to my quiet emotions and amplify them to catch up on what I missed back then.
• When I am unsure of what is a strength or a weakness in me, I meet myself with patience, acceptance, and love.
• My ambition is allowed to have space — but I also allow myself to feel overwhelmed by it.
• My progress is allowed to feel shaky. I am learning every day. I am taking all the time in the world.

Is it the nervous system that goes into freeze that causes your parts to have these beliefs or is it the parts with beliefs that cause you to into freeze. For example, I did some somatic work, I felt much better, could hear parts more clearly like shame and then I went back into freeze and not hearing parts as clearly before I had a chance to work with the part. How do you break this loop?

I learned I intellectualize lot. I’m 31, been in therapy on and off for 18 years, and have never cried or shown any emotion. Therapy has always been really hard for me because I’ve had therapists “graduate” me but I never felt like I made any progress.

I started doing IFS with my new therapist that I’ve been seeing since November. He’s amazing and I don’t think I could have ever found a better therapist for me.

A few weeks ago I got mad at something he said and had a strong emotional reaction. It was very short, I felt kind of bad, but he was impressed.

Today at the very end of our session I almost started crying and told him I was scared to be vulnerable and open up and show emotions because I am scared that he wouldn’t be my counselor anymore. I have deep attachment wounds but no real reason to think that would ever happen. He was very reassuring.

I’ve been trying to break that barrier for a while but I was too scared to. I guess maybe that’s why I waited until I was about to walk out the door. I’m nervous about our next session now too. Part of me is still scared that if I open up too much that I’ll get attached and then abandoned but part of me really badly wants to. Is that normal? What do I do with that?

I have been self-administering IFS since before I even knew what it was, over five years. It’s been extremely useful in helping me heal, fuse, and integrate damaged parts of myself.

Over the last couple of years, I had managed to fuse enough tiny parts together to have seven much more whole parts at ages ranging from 7 to 46. Previously, they were essentially splintered and shattered into tiny little bits. I ‘saw’ them in my head as living in a house together, keeping one another company, fairly peaceably I might add.

Recently, though, I no longer ‘see’ them in my head, but I can feel them in my body. Rather than having seven unintegrated parts, I’m an integrated whole, but one that still needs healing: these internalized parts still have traumas that need dealing with. They correspond to my chakras. Perhaps now that they’re integrated, what they need is healing in order to achieve fusion.

The really interesting part is that I feel like my newly integrated Inner Self has three faces: my everyday face that I and everyone else see, my Jungian ‘Shadow’ face that only I see, and what I can only identify as an Observer that sort of stands outside Me and feeds me information I can’t get otherwise. It’s odd, but still useful.

Has anyone else experienced ANY of this? None of it feels bad, in fact it all feels pretty darn good, I guess I’m just not familiar with the process or what to expect next. If anyone can lend any insight, I’d be most grateful. Thanks so much.

In what way do your parts communicate with you - when you haven’t initiated a conversation? How do you recognise this?

TL;DR: I'm stuck and I don't understand what's wrong with me. I am trying to recover from narcisstic parenting, disorganized attachment, and emotional and verbal abuse. Thematically struggling with watching life pass me by, being unable to change, fears and resistances of parts controlling my life, and an absence of Self-presence. If any part in the system doesn't want to do something, no matter how basic or safe the action is, I cannot do it. I am completely powerless to change this dynamic. I also don't have a memory to fall back on.

The following text is nothing but venting, so obviously don't read further if it could be triggering to you. I guess I'm asking for advice here, but otherwise it's a collection of gripes against the modality and my own nervous system. I'd also like to play devil's advocate since it seems I majorly hear hopeful opinions and success stories from this subreddit.

I started this work because I thought I could change, and I was enamored with the sometimes swift, fundamental, transformative healing others have attested to under IFS. But the results are speaking for themselves now. I have a therapist who is IFS-trained. I see her 2-8 times a month and I do not have any complaints there. We've oscillated between direct access and insight, discussed practically everything there is to discuss, and attempted unburdenings a few times to no avail. Not once have I managed to do the classic witnessing, unburdening, and 21-day follow-up process with an exile that results in change. Insight work on my own is a mess that looks nothing like the structured and logical dialogue I see in workbooks. Half of the time I have no idea who's saying what or maybe I'm making it all up. Observing myself hurts. Trying to unblend? Painful. Not trying to unblend? Also painful. I think I have only been in Self for a few hours total, ever, and I don't understand what the point in having one is if it's never here.

I feel broken and lost because I am. IFS has helped me put labels on collections of symptoms but I guess that's it. I now have a beautiful and terrible map of my own psychology that does not seem to change. Today I had to fill myself with an impossible amount of shame and desperation just to wash dishes because I've been bedridden and practically in solitary confinement for the last three days, and seemingly the only thing I can do to make progress in my life is to have some kind of mental breakdown that lasts for all of thirty minutes before I return to the status quo and the ultimate present safety of doomscrolling.

For everything I need to do there's a resistance or polarized part to oppose it, and the "you don't have to be here" or "separate room" compartmentalization trick does not work and has lost the hopeful energy I once believed in. The smallest stressors lead to unjustifiable levels of terror that will snuff out any chance I have to accomplish what's behind it. Hours turn into days, weeks, months of procrastination for something as simple as filling out an online form or making a phone call. I will gladly run my life into the ground because "doing something I don't want to do" or "doing something that could ever be triggering, unsafe, or boring" is apparently equivalent in danger to dying. Every day I wake up hoping I'll at least get to one thing on my to-do list but 99% of the time I don't. The resulting shame and hopelessness and helplessness destroys me.

There is no energy that parts will listen to, no recognized leader. Managers that appear to handle the mess only serve to create more polarities. If a part does not want to do something, it will not happen and there is no method to bypass this, including the very work that is supposed to help. Every once in a while I am lucky enough to be able to angrily crush and shame the fearful parts into oblivion just to force the issue. I hate relying on it and it makes my parts melt down and cry and hate themselves and I'm basically retraumatizing them but it's the only thing that works.

Physically I am no longer in the traumatic environment of my childhood, but mentally there is nothing but the hideous game that my parents raised me in. My internal family is dysfunctional. My entire existence is built around shame: the avoidance of it, the absorption of it, the rejection of it, the analysis of it, from myself, from others, and the doubt and dissociation and every other firefighter layered atop it. My nervous system is still so concerned with this stupid game that these long-lost ideas of "enjoying being alive" or "purpose" or "unbotheredness" are completely forgotten. The disorganized attachment and self-doubt my parents installed has led me to question my own reality, so when it comes to managing myself, I have no idea what's right or wrong.

I have been in therapy for nearly a decade. I've changed antidepressants more times than I can remember. My thoughts are broken, non-linear fragments; my memory short-circuits every ten or so seconds; I don't recall my life or my abuse, and beyond the specific characterization of triggers most parts have, there's nothing to suggest that I'm anything aside a lazy, entitled, scared thing that randomly refuses to live. I've been wondering recently if there's something else inherently wrong with me to warrant this level of inhibition.

I don't know how the lack of memory interacts with IFS - despite practicing this modality for so long, whenever I query myself about how to help parts, I draw nothing but blanks regardless of whether I'm turned inward. Healing has never been intuitive for me. Is it supposed to be for a Self? I need an external document just to remind myself of the basics. I am continually implicitly showing my parts that I am incapable of helping them - because when a part is triggered a certain way, I don't actually remember what the part is, why it feels the way it does, and what's worked in the past. I should have a year of my therapist's advice to rely on, and yet I can't recall a single instance of it. Is it ADHD? How do I even know if I have ADHD? Is it even real, or is it simply a descriptor of blended part dynamics? The medication prescribed for it has not helped at all. Is the disease I'm suffering from fixable? If I can't remember anything, what's the point?

At some point the savings I've gathered while working will dwindle to nothing and then the lights will go out, and this is disconcerting to a manager of mine, but the majority of me doesn't particularly care. I think I've seen what life has to offer. Maybe there are a set of actions I could take to save my own life, but I'm scared of doing them, so I won't. I suppose I could let go of the modality, but what else would I do? I don't want to start from zero again. I don't want to try changing therapists again. I'm exhausted. But until the end, I'm going to continue stubbornly showing up for the work.

I am not a mental health professional. I do not have DID or OSDD. Everything in this post is from research I conducted with the resources that are available. I will list my sources.

Something I get asked frequently when I yap about IFS is the difference between it and DID. Which I find fairly simple to explain. However, recently I was asked by a friend: "Why can DID alters take over the body (executive control) while IFS parts cannot?" And oh boy did that spark quite the interest in this topic for me, enough to write five pages on it. Which I will try to write the shortened version of here. In this, I will be talking about self-states since that is the clinical vocabulary used in studies of DID. IFS parts are representations of internal dynamics and belong to a different model. However, I believe talking about self-states in this still gives an understanding and answers the question.

Surface scratch intro: DID is a trauma-based disorder of structural dissociation whereas IFS conceptualizes parts as functional "subpersonalities" present in all individuals.

My deep dive: Veering a little off path from IFS parts, we have self-states. Every person has countless self-states; it is impossible to only have one. A self-state refers to a temporary "mode of being," they are subjective experiences of a "way of being you." Chefetz, R.A. (2015). Self-states are moment to moment configurations of emotion, thought style, somatic experience + orientation, and foreground identity. They shift constantly. They're not separate identities, just variations within one unified personality. Humans are "context responsive," different situations activate different neural networks, memories, and emotional patterns. Self-states are continuous "they flow into each other without sharp boundaries." Stern, D.N. (2004). They're accessible because you can remember what you felt like in other states. They are considered flexible due to being able to shift intentionally or automatically. And all states share the same access to the same memory system. Folks with DID have discontinuous self-states which means they do not share memory, perspective, or identity continuity. With early trauma the formation of a unified self is disrupted. The self is not able to form normally, and self-states begin to form in isolation rather than parts of one continuous identity. Franco, V. (2026). "The mind begins to compartmentalize overwhelming experiences." Altun, H. (2026). A child under chronic threat "divides experience(s) into separate self-states to survive." Altun, H. (2026). In other words, their compartments "evolve into distinct identity states." Altun, H. (2026). This is what causes the self-states to become discontinuous. If one self-state cannot access what another experienced, they begin functioning like separate identities. Nijenhuis, E.R.S. & van der Hart, O. (2011). As memory discontinuity deepens, emotional and behavioral patterns also fragment. Each cluster of emotion, memory, and behavior becomes its own "I." Over time, these become alters.

With DID alters being discontinuous self-states with their own access to the body's senses, they experience the world directly through the body. On the contrary, IFS parts are internal subpersonalities that experience the world through a person's awareness/mind. IFS parts react to an individual's perceptions. So, my conclusion to answer the question, DID alters have executive control because they are structurally dissociated self-states. By being discontinuous they have their own action systems, memories, etc. This causes them to be able to independently access and operate the body's executive control system. Continuous self-states and IFS parts do not have executive control because they are only functionally differentiated within one unified personality. They can influence behavior but not take over the body.

Sources as promised:
Chefetz, R. A. (2015). Intensive Psychotherapy for Persistent Dissociative Processes: The Fear of Feeling Real. New York: WW Norton & Company.

Stern, D. N. (2004). The present moment in psychotherapy and everyday life. WW Norton & Company.

Altun, H. (2026). Dissociative identity disorder: A comprehensive review of etiology, diagnosis, and treatment approaches. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry.

Franco, V. (2026). Trauma-related dissociation and identity development: Clinica perspectives on early adversity. International Journal of Psychology & Trauma.

Nijenhuis, E. R. S., & van der Hart, O. (2011). Dissociation in trauma: A new definition and comparison with previous formulations. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation.

Lebois, L. A. M., Kaufman, M. L., Purcell, J. B., Brand, B., Browne, H. A., Chefetz, R. A., Shanahan, M., Bair, Z. A., Baranowski, K. A., Davis, V., Magones, P., Modell, R. L., Palermo, C. A., Robertson, E. C., Robinson, M. A., Ward, L., & Winternitz, S. (2023). A grounded theory of dissociative identity disorder.

Just thought that it was interesting and may also be helpful to someone here!

I’m new to IFS and have been making good progress in 3 months. I started it after a bad experience of overdoing TRE severely.

After my last session last week the 3 nights after that I slept a lot deeper and longer than normal. I do take a Benadryl kinda thing for sleep though.
Then on Sunday, I was at the movies and basically some work/integration happened. I kept seeing a part that I’ve slowly gotten close to, locked away in a dungeon in chains. I did not force this (I don’t think) but I could hear my voice like crying almost, talking very directly to it but with sadness, like ‘come with me I can do it I can do it’ and I kept getting waves of wanting to cry.

That night I woke up after 5 hours sleep and couldn’t get back to sleep. So it’s clear that my brains trying to process too much at once.
Then the next day, we had to put my dog to sleep, which made me very anxious and cry a lot. Then I had to call the fire department as a van next to us caught on fire like a couple hours after my dog. So a stressful couple days. Then that night (last night) I slept for 3 hours. So 8 hours over 2 days is not good.

However I didn’t even feel anxious last night going to sleep. I can get to sleep fine with my meds it’s just the staying asleep and yeah my educated guess is that my brains just trying to process too much, too much than it can handle, in my sleep (REM).

I’m going to talk about this to my therapist in a couple days BUT I just wanted to ask those who are doing this therapy with very sensitive nervous systems, how do you dispel energy without causing more disruption? As the techniques from SE that I do with my therapist, I have sometimes done them at night and they have been too much for my system and caused disturbances too. So I wanted to ask if anyone else has anything that they do to help process things? If that’s even possible? As I don’t feel outwardly anxious sometimes but yeah a lot of stuff under the surface trying to process.

This may have been noted before, but I've noticed a really beneficial synergy between TRE and IFS. In my opinion, they are really complimentary.

I started Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE) around 10 months ago and had great results. Particularly, coming off a few years of extreme stress. I'm quite adapted to the tremoring and it often starts spontaneously, without the priming exercises. However, im general, he TRE left me relaxed, but also often quite empty and a little depressed (usually the following day). I think now that this could have been tension held by protectors being released uncovering a sad part.

I've only recently discovered and have been practicing IFS, for about a month now, and wow what a revelation. What I have noticed is that my parts have strong correspondence to regions in my body (which seems common). Also, they move around. For example, I have an 'Intelect' part that sits above my left eye, but when I speak with him he moves to my throat region, when I ask him to step back, I can feel his sensation diffuse and dissipate.

What I have found interesting is that stubborn tension, particularly in my shoulders, responds well to IFS. If I'm tense and I ask the parts to relax and step back, I'll spontaneously start shaking and losing tension from those areas. I also find I can speak to the parts more clearly when I practice TRE and IFS at the same time.

Just some observations

In "No Bad Parts" it says that people are able to actually hold conversations with the separate parts of themselves. It even shows it from the first person's point of view and the third. Is this actually what happens or is it being used as a metaphor? Is this something everyone should expect? It seems a bit over the top but I was curious about other people's experiences. Thank you in advance.

Have been doing IFS for 6months or so. I'm AuDHD.... At first, it seemed to make things better, but gradually things just kept getting worse and worse. Kept meeting deeply unhappy younger versions of myself, that just made me feel sad and worse. I've since discovered therapist was not certified with IFS institute and I don't think they really knew what they were doing. I'd tell the therapist that I'm dysregulated and not in the self and we'd go in anyway. It was very emotional and the therapist seemed surprised and couldn't explain anything I was experiencing. It was like I was doing it myself or something. It's been 2 months since I had a "bad trip" that I got ejected hard from. It left me with an anxious sick feeling that hasn't got better since. 0 stars, do not recommend - never again!

(Apologies if this gets posted frequently. I've got a part up today around wanting people to have good and healing IFS experiences when working with a professional.)

Before you work with an IFS professional, it's a good idea to see if they have taken the IFSI Level 1 training (or the CCSU Level 1 course). Why? They are the two most recognized trainings that include at least 100 hours of direct experience, and they train with active practice groups with feedback and unburdening.

Of course this does not guarantee any person's abilities to hold a space where healing of parts can happen, but it can help you know that the person has had a good amount of exposure and coaching on the model.

Beyond Level 1's 100 hours, any professional who is IFS-Certified will have done an additional two years (minimum 200 hours) of client sessions, undergone direct consultation, and completed anywhere between 40-100 additional hours of trainings. It's a BIG step beyond Level 1. (Disclaimer: I am nearing completion of my IFS Certification and it has been so helpful and a ton of work.)

Here's the IFSI directory: https://ifs-institute.com/practitioners

Here's info on the CCSU course (not sure if they have a directory): https://pe.ccsu.edu/professional_courses/internal-family-systems-level-1/

Note that the directory is not complete as it is a voluntary listing. You can always ASK your therapist or practitioner about their IFS training, as well. In my experience those who are IFSI trained are happy to share their training details.

Thank you for reading, my fellow IFS people. I hope you have a really great week.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/InternalFamilySystems/s/gP3gA12gcd

I have been working with two parts (Bab and 33&Me) that were polarizing and using rumination for weeks. I’m shocked because in 5 or 6 hours, after NO intentional parts/IFS work, the mental loops have gone quiet, and instead I’m left with a literal visual representation of the raw trauma energy. Sitting in the back of my mind is a "little monster" that looks like a collective cluster of disfigured strangers.

It feels completely separate from me, and it is trying to hold onto my recent adult mistakes like a top layer of clothing, but I can tell the core of it is ancient childhood trauma. 33&Me keeps trying to panic and shout, "That's you! Those are your mistakes!" but I’m able to stay in Self and look at it with calm curiosity.

When I close my eyes and speak to it, it feels far away and there are no overwhelming physical sensations. But I discovered a fascinating boundary. For the first 30 seconds, I can look at this cluster of figures with pure Self-energy. But right around the 30-second mark, my young part, Bab, blends with me. She peeks over my shoulder, sees the monster, and gets terrified because it holds the raw shape of our childhood memories/trauma.

Instead of forcing anything, I’m respecting that 30-second limit. When Bab gets scared, I pivot, close the curtain on the monster, and focus entirely on comforting Bab and reminding her she is safe. I’m going to close everything, read, and rest for the rest of the night. Me and my parts have done some WOORKK. Hopefully even a huge success?? I feel close, yall. Please tell me I’m close to something because sometimes I just feel like I’m going mad lol.

My next appointment is in 2 days, and I feel like the runway is completely clear to safely explore this cluster with my therapist. Thanks for reading and walking this path with me! Discussion, insights, or questions always welcomed.

I’ve been working on healing an insecure attachment style, and something happened last night that felt profoundly different.
For the first time, I didn’t feel like my inner child was someone I had to fix, silence, or analyze. I felt like she belonged to me.
I found myself saying something like:
*“You and I belong to the same person. I’m here now. Your feelings matter. Your opinions matter. I don’t want to push you away anymore. I want to know what you feel, and I’ll stay with you while you feel it.”*
It wasn’t dramatic. It was quiet. But something inside me softened.
Instead of trying to escape difficult emotions, I felt willing to let them exist within me. It felt less like I was managing a frightened child and more like I was welcoming a part of myself back home.
It made me wonder if this is what “integration” actually begins to feel like.
For those of you who have moved toward secure attachment or have done deep inner-child or somatic work:
Was there a moment where your inner child stopped feeling separate from you and started feeling like *you*?
How did you strengthen that sense of integration instead of losing it after a few days?
What practices helped this become your natural way of relating to yourself?
Did your nervous system gradually begin to trust that you would stay, even during painful emotions?
How did you know you were becoming more securely attached rather than just having a good day?
What changed in your relationships once this inner integration became more stable?
I know secure attachment isn’t a finish line, and I don’t expect this one moment to change everything. But it feels like I crossed an internal threshold—from trying to understand myself to finally being willing to stay with myself.
I’d really love to hear from people who have walked this path. What helped this first spark grow into something lasting?

I have seen numerous posts in this sub recently using the word integration. It has been a little bit jarring to me. It has been a couple of years since I read any texts about IFS but I don’t remember the word integration being a part of any of them. It reads like the goal is to stop having parts, which doesn’t square with my understanding of IFS at all.

Can anyone explain their idea of how integration works as a part of IFS and if there are authors/experts who use it in their IFS therapeutic model?

One poster described a sensation of their inner child “coming home” a d of finally feeling the truth that the child is theirs/them, which makes perfect sense. Is that what we’re calling integration? For me, it’s just healing tje parts and our relationship to them.

(TW: mentions of death, childhood emotional abuse)

Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/InternalFamilySystems/s/QGiS1UHbEB

I have cPTSD and thankfully discovered IFS about 2 years ago. I began coupling it with EMDR and it’s been life changing. It’s been a mix of beautiful yet terrifying experiences.

I had been on a break from all therapy since January until about 2 weeks ago. You can see this journey in my last few posts but not necessary. It’s interesting to see these parts develop, though, and I definitely wasn’t speaking from Self in some posts.

I’ve found a few parts in the past 2 weeks:

Bab- a young protector/exile part that wants to disappear, shrink, become as small/silent as possible to avoid my parents, especially my mom. I can feel her in my throat and shoulders. She acts as a protector but gets angry if I don’t acknowledge she’s also an exile. As scared as she is of my mom, my mom is also still her safe space. She uses rumination to protect me from the truth: I’m alone, my parents aren’t safe. She believes “I’m bad, I’m gross, I’m the problem, etc”

33&Me- around the age 14, Bab would have been overtaken by a firefighter. I was no longer a shy, submissive child. I was rebellious and fought back/ran instead of hid/froze, etc. It feels like this part just continued to develop/evolve into my 30s. I feel like I “snapped” out of survival mode around age 33, hence the name. She (or they?) uses rumination to try to “fix” adult mistakes. She thinks things like “How could I have been so stupid? How do I fix this? Who do I need to confess to so this will go away?” This part is very advanced, can impersonate Self, has tried to trick me by using the 8 C’s against me. All these parts are holding shame but I feel closer to hitting core fear this time.

Bab and 33&Me are pretty blended with Self but are accepting more and more Self energy daily. They are also my first time working with polarization I believe. Bab wants to be silent but 33&Me thinks false “confessing” is the way, for example. Or Bab wants to hide/freeze but 33&Me wants to run/fight. I am proud of how much Self I’m able to bring to these parts when they are triggering each other. I’m really unsure of so much (ages, same part, different part, etc) but I feel comfortable with letting it unfold naturally.

I’ve had the realization that my mom used to always say “You’ll regret this when I die!” which is a core fear Bab and 33&Me are avoiding. I think I’m terrified even now that everyone around me may die constantly. Also, that living in my childhood home was like preparing for an interrogation 24/7 which has caused hyper-vigilance and also the “confession” desire.

I have another appointment in 2 days and I’m looking forward to it. I feel we have a lot to work on with these parts which also makes these parts feel terror. I’m not sure that I’ve fully unburdened a part but boy, oh, boy do I think it’d be great to start with one of these! Has anyone worked with parts like these? Any suggestions to getting to unburdening?? Or insight just to chew on? Thanks so much for reading!

I made a similar post on r/jung in which I talk about the suicidal regret that has surfaced itself in my dreams. I have for the longest time felt so desperate about not moving forward. I had not idea how painful those suppressed feelings are and Im not sure how I can ever find the strength or the trust to face them.

Have you dealt with something similar? How did you face this and make it through?

I have done integration work for 10 years and in that time I had a lot of split-off fragments that took me time to integrate. In that time I have organically transformed and healed a lot of the splintered aspects of my psyche. At this point I am looking at the "reintegration" part of trauma healing after all the processing, the one where you enter back into society and try to have a normal life, no longer in emergency and tending to injuries.

The problem is, looking back on all of it it often feels blurry, I spent so much of that time just exploring whatever was in my psyche, bringing it to the surface, and integrating into my greater stream of consciousness so it was no longer tourniqueted from the rest of me. As a result I don't struggle anymore with a lot of things that were daily features of my experience.

However, as I enter reintegration, it's like the vast granularity and complexity of my shattered inner experience is no longer accessible to me, and I start feeling "regret and loss" around "time wasted". While I more or less documented my experiences as best as possible in the form of intensive daily journaling, when I read back at things I only see a tiny little slice of what I was dealing with and the feeling of "wasted time" still remains. I feel like I should've/could've just been as well as I am now, that there must've been some other shortcut that I missed, or "if I just had this" then I would've cut down on the amount of time I needed.

Has anyone else experienced significant integration but now that you are integrated, you forget the granular details and all the pieces you were dealing with, like you were never broken at all, so why did it take so long to get here?

Feels like I just woke up and blinked like the last decade and a half didn't even happen. I guess that's to be expected, I mean integration is about trying to restore to pre-shattered phases, and if you've integrated well, a pre-shattered object should have no memory of its imminent shattering and all the granularity and work it would bring.

But then I'm like "where did all that time go?" like "why wasn't it just this way before?".

It's like integration has "erased" my trauma experience (not exactly, I still have a lot of problems, like ocd stuff that I still haven't integrated, so I'm not fully complete yet but I manage) which is a good thing, it's what I've been working towards, but it also makes me think "then why all that extra time"? Because now I'm very behind in the external world life goals, because I had to spend 10+ years on the internal world - my external world was basically on hold for a decade.

It's like I went to another dimension and did insane amounts of work, but came back here to the real (external) world, and in 10 years I've achieved nothing. I basically spent 10 years working from -1,000,000,000 to 0 so now I'm starting at 0, even though I've done 1 billion units of work. I knew when I was pausing that I was "falling behind" but it was such an emergency that I didn't really have time to pay attention to anything else. Now upon reintegrating back into the world I'm like OH F*** 🫥.

Anyone else?

When thinking about IFS, at times it's been frustrating. I mean it seems to require a new way of thinking about yourself, a new level of awareness, which is of course good but (IME) , it can also feel like ..."okay so what exactly am I looking for?"

So, I don't know if i would understand the nuances between say a Manager, a Firefighter, a Protector, or what sort of belief systems those types of parts hold exactly. Im sure there's a way to get there, perhaps some of Richard Schwartz works, and I may get there, but I"m not there now.

Then someone recently asked me if was familiar with fawning. And I just thought, Oh, sure you mean people pleasing, being subservient, ingratiating, accommodating , etc.? But no, what they meant was a nervous system state, ....and then it started to come into focus, and I started to remember what happens when I shift into that. I feel different, while telling myself "I'm only being polite", but I know that's not accurate because it's shrouded in too much fear and anxiety, of being yelled at or being punished for it to be characterized as "politeness".

Its an actual shift , to something much smaller, and vulnerable. My voice changes. And It occured to me 'Okay thats a part".

They mentioned it as a nervous system state, and it has certain behaviors, much like freeze........and then I felt it, .............the disgust and fear for this state of being. I instantly felt nauseous, and then I realized I've had this level of self hatred, self disgust when I react like that. If I try to turn around, I shift again to some sort of defender trying to save face. It can get ugly. So, I think its safe to say addressing the fear that the part holds is really important.

I think that with Trauma, abuse, it's somehow easier to believe (IMO/IME) that you had some control, you were making choices, so 'I'm just being agreeable and nice", but no. When I think about my Fawning and the actual circumstances that lead that level of self abandonement, and events that led up to that, it triggers the Shame for the situation where I was powerless. Much like anyone who was violated in some way, where a Boundary was crossed, and with no option to run or fight, so with no other option available to me.......I fawned......and fawned hard. "whatever you want". and then the self hatred and self disgust kicked in.

I've actually seen a video of myself by pure happenstance when in that state. I was part of an online class, and I was terrified. Seeing myself in that state made me feel......confused? I was like "wow, I'm really freaking out". I could hear the fear in my voice, my words were barely audible. It's a hard way to see yourself, so scared like that, as an adult.