So, my best friend is DA and I'm anxiously attached, but tbh I've become closer to secure while I've been in this friendship with him. Our friendship is online only ATM due to distance but I am going to be making a trip up there in a few months. I've been planning for a year or more and he's been the biggest supporter of it BUT he has always said I'll never get to meet him irl.
He also has kept people away from him or from getting close (which he has done well at sadly) for over 15 yrs since his divorce with his first love. I'm the first one he's really let in since.
Also, as far as I know he's not keen on actual therapy BUT he IS recently keen on doing better and changing a bit, when he use to very much be against that.
We also don't have a normal friendship dynamic as I confessed my feelings to him last year and we talked about boundaries and such and I had asked if I could express those feelings to him, flirt a little etc and he said yes but he didn't feel that way for me, which was fine.
I've been happy as a clam just giving him lots of love as he's encouraged and instigated times where I flirt with him more. It makes him feel good and I like that too. He has always been very sweet and gentle with me and he sometimes dotes on me and spoils me with his time and such, and we even have one day a week where we play games just the two of us, for hours, and talk in voice chat. But he also does not ever like seeing me on live video and such and we established it's to keep me at arms length in a way. Which id one day love to change but I'm not in a big rush on that.
I'm also one of the only people he's given photos of himself, which I think is a self esteem thing. I personally think he's very handsome and am very attracted to him but he tends to talk in a negative tone about his weight. I call him a big pricklebear. Prickly outside, teddy bear inside.
I give him a LOT of affection. I compliment him, I spoil him when I can, in the game we mainly play together I will emote him a lot with hugs and love and I'm very open about it even when we're in voice chat with guildies. I also draw a lot of stuff for him and he very much loves my art. He's my biggest supporter. And when conflict comes, i try my best to come to him about it with resolve and understanding him, and him understanding me in mind and I try to take a gentle tone with him so he knows he's safe and I love him and it'll be okay.
We've had that usual push pull dynamic throughout the entire almost 2 yr friendship and he even ghosted once like a year and a half ago, which we reconnected after a couple of months and ever since, he said he'd not do that again. Tbh at this point I believe him. He periodically tells me he's not going anywhere and back in March would have been the time I'd think he would have walked away if he were going to, but he didn't. Neither did I and I'm glad tbh.
So, a tiny bit of context. (I don't wanna provide too much but at least basics)
Our friendship has always been pretty great, for the most part and minus the ghosting thing. Yes, he has struggled greatly with conflict resolution and expressing himself. I worked hard to figure out his triggers with words and such and eventually managed to get him to sit with me in those convos to conflict resolve. At first he was somewhat volatile in them, but over time he's gotten so damn good with them and the past roughly month, I never really hear even an inkling of a frustrated tone from him during.
He's even now, the past couple weeks, sitting with his emotions and trying to sort them. He's trying to do better as a person so he doesn't hurt people. Especially me because back in March and periodically throughout the next couple months after, he was incredibly volatile to me seemingly out of nowhere. Which he's also upset over how he's been to me and is making some life changing shifts in how he is and working so dang hard, and doing such a damn good job, cause he doesn't wanna hurt me anymore. Eventually we talked and figured out that the closer my trip got, the more it was triggering him.
This is where I wouldn't mind opinions. I have my own.
So, when we talked about that a lot and I asked what was going on. He said the closer the trip got, the more worried he became.
It confused me at first because as far as I knew, I'd never get to meet him, let alone anything else, and I never pushed it. I had only a couple of times said that I'd give him the add and room number when I was up there, and that if he wanted to see me he could and if not, that's okay and I'll have fun still and send him photos and such as I normally would when I go do anything fun. I love sharing with him.
But he expressed that he was starting to want more for himself, as in he was desperately wanting to have someone to wake up next to etc. He also finally acknowledged my feelings, as before he would often indicate thinking I deluded myself into thinking I loved him. He said he knew I loved him very much. He talked about trusting me and knowing I wouldn't hurt him.
He said that the closer my trip got, the more worried he got and when I asked the worry he said it was that he was worried about caving and doing things with me when I came up there.
At first it confused me (I'm autistic so that didn't help) because I'd never pressured him so I didn't know who he'd be caving to. I also was under the impression that I'd not get to meet him soni was very confused about his worry in general. We talked more about it and it's himself he'd cave to and when I asked if he wanted to meet me, he wouldn't give a yes or no and circles around it.
Anyway, we've established that the way I've been to him, which I've been a little like even from the start of the friendship but have been very consistent with since getting permission for the affection etc over a year ago, has apparently brought back the want for companionship and connection.
Now, this is where I think his avoidance is coming into play, as well as a few ideals he's expressed having for a good chunk of his life, and I think they're all kind of mixing and hindering him from figuring his feelings out, whatever they may be.
(I'd also like to note that I've worked very hard and have gotten very good at compartmentalizing my romantic feelings and making sure they don't affect what I ask of him or accidentally pressure him and through the convo about his feelings I had even asked if maybe he felt like pursuing someone near him that suited his standard for looks and such, and he seems very resistant to it and doesn't seem to trust anyone enough.)
So, he's always said he doesn't have feelings for me and isn't attracted to me. Tbh I believe the part about not being attracted and before when he use to say it, I believed the not having feelings for me part, but I think he's slowly developed them and once he started getting volatile this year, I think that's when they started to feel just big enough for him to barely notice and feel uncomfortable.
He's a very all or nothing type where he often sees black and white with things and it often causes him to be unable to come up with very many solutions or compromises to things. I've kind of carried that in our friendship as I'm very creative with problem solving.
So, he obviously knows that he has an aversion to connection. Especially the emotional kind. He's very skiddish over it and even affection is iffy from most and I seem to be one of the few he lets give him affection, let alone so much of it. He also has expressed, a long while ago, that he got his one love and she's gone now (been 15yrs and he's slowly stopped talking about her since I've known him) and that you don't get more than one so he's not bothered at all other than a couple flings shortly after the divorce.
He also is bi (I'm male albeit a very effeminate one with long hair) but heavily prefers women and has never seen men as a gender for dating. Only women. He also seems to think that any stuff like what he's craving more of etc ATM, needs to be in a full on relationship and doesn't seem to register that relationships of all kinds exist and is a massive spectrum.
He also, because of his first love being the one he married and not connecting with anyone since, has very little experience with love or even lesser emotional feelings or how they grow and such. He's not Demisexual either so I don't think he's familiar with how it feels to develop any feelings of any kind for someone before physical attraction. I do as I'm Demisexual.
So, when I asked why he had such an issue with having the urge to cave to HIMSELF about doing things with me when I came up there, he expressed mostly that lack of physical attraction and not having romantic feelings for me. And the other stuff was him just stating diff ways he was worried he'd hurt me. One being similar ways he was hurt.
Now, this is where we started clashing a tad cause my brain got a tad more logical here trying to make sense of it.
I asked him if he considered finding someone he was attracted to or was a woman to get those things he craved from. He doesn't want to try. He doesn't even seem keen on a fling, hiring someone for cuddles or any other option that doesn't involve me.
BUT he also doesn't seem keen at all on it being me. He actually seems to get oddly upset even just me mentioning that he's got feelings that I created in there.
He seems to think that me saying that I've created some feelings inside of him means I'm saying he's in love with me and I've had to tell him that's not what I'm saying at all, more than once.
Last night I finally full on explained even more what I mean which is that, there is no reason he should have ANY worry at all about meeting me if he never wanted to meet me. He shouldn't have a worry about caving to me if he doesn't actually want anything from me or I didn't create those feelings of need and want within him. That it's because of how I've treated him, which IS part of WHO I AM as a person. The way I love and care is different from other people as is his way. We're both not the typical person, let alone how we express things. He's more subtle and I'm far more expressive.
I told him that since it is who I am and those ways of treating him, the trust I've built with him and safe feeling, is all ME and are what created those wants within him, that IM the one that made him feel them. So those feelings come from him wanting that stuff from me. I think it helped him understand because tbh it's pretty sound logic. But I also told him that no, I DONT think he's in love with me. That I think he's just starting to developed feelings of some sort, and that they're nowhere near love BUT that doesn't mean they can't turn into it, but that they also might not.
I encouraged him last night, to sit with those feelings and try to take all those walls down with himself so he can sit and think on them without all the fears he has blocking him. That he needs to think on his wants and urges ATM and what he really wants for himself and his life from another person. If the looks or gender thing are boxes that absolutely need to be checked, which is okay if they are, or if maybe connection and feeling safe and loved outweighed those on any level etc.
And to keep in mind that he CAN explore himself through any variation of relationship with anyone, and that it won't be some awful thing as long as he simply communicates properly and everyone knows what they're getting into. It could be me or anyone else he explores with. And to keep that in mind when he thinks about what he wants and the way to get it.
And I told him that he needs to keep in mind that sometimes feelings CAN develop before physical attraction and those feelings could stay small or grow into something big or anything in between and he needs to keep himself open as he explores his feelings because otherwise he'll not actually properly figure himself out and what he needs and wants and if he doesn't do that, he's going to keep slipping and lashing out at me, as has been his pattern since he's started having those worries.
It's gonna take him a while tbh but I believe he's going to try. He sounded understanding and calm in the few responses he had. Though, at the start he DOD try and use my own romantic feelings against me to avoid looking at his developing feelings, saying my own were making me say this stuff because I hope for him to be in love with me. Which again, I had explained I actually don't think he loves me romantically. Only platonically and that he cares about me a lot. Which he does.
Though, I do want to note that people around us (just about anyone seeing us interact and people that have known him longer) all seem to think he has feelings for me and just doesn't want to admit it. But tbh I've told them he doesn't and I don't think he has them as deeply as they think. But I could also be denying some things myself because of the promise I had made when I asked to be allowed to flirt with him and such, in which I said I'd never assume he likes me that way unless he told me he did.
I'd held strong on that promise for over a year, even when he started flip flopping so much and so severely with incredibly sweet things to volatility out of nowhere and even when he started 'protesting' too much with oddly constantly saying things like I'll never meet him, will never get to do sexual things with him, he doesn't like me like that etc ALL unprompted by anyone at all. Even me.
Like no one would bring it up or it'd be our normal usual flirty banter and out of nowhere he'd say those things and I eventually asked him who he was trying to convince because no one needed convincing around him and he was kind of having opposite affect on those around him by doing that so much.
The only time I finally slipped on my promise was after he told me about those feelings and growing urges and wants that seem to be very much tied specifically to me since he had no urge to just go out and find someone else to get them from. And even then, I still am under no delusion that he loves me in that way.
I only think that he's starting to develop some sort of romantic feelings and that they're in more of that starter stage somewhere. That it may or may not grow if he were to lean into it, BUT I also do love him and want him happy so while I have made sure he knows that I'm up for it and it'd be okay and I think exploring with me would go very well for us both (we've just always meshed so incredibly well ever since meeting tbh and we've grown together as people and helped each other heal and feel safe) I have also more than expressed that if he doesn't want that with me, he should try and find someone he does want that suits his physical tastes.
Cause tbh so far, when expressing why he doesn't want it with me, he's only ever mentioned my gender and like me having a lot of tattoos lol, but that one was after he was trying really hard to think about anything physical he didn't want with me other than gender. lol
(again, he's bi but is like 98%into women and men just never were for dating for him, but I'm also VERY incredibly androgynous in both looks and the way I am as a whole so I think I'm in a very weird awkward gray area for him.)
Anyway, I kind of wanted opinions on what people think about those feelings he expressed with the trust etc but also the urges.
Do you agree with the logic that came to mind for me, how, if he wasn't actually feeling anything at all for me and didn't want to meet me at all etc, he'd not even have that worry in the first place?
Especially since I legit, which he acknowledged, have not pressured him at all into meeting me let alone beyond that.
He knows I want those things with him yeah, cause I did confess and I do flirt, but no serious talk about meeting or doing things has been had. We've even had silly talks he's started about cuddling. Not about us doing it but he'd asked me if I like big or little spoon and we talked about what we wanted to try but hadn't gotten to, which is funny cause I'm little so often get stuck as little spoon but wanted to try big spoon and he's a big boy and tall and has had opposite issues. lol
Anyway, I could legit go all day talking about this man and how amazing this friendship has been.
Even through the extreme volatility in March and periodically through the last couple months here and there, he's been the best person I've met and treated me really well and with care. His fear of connection has been the only thing that's caused some very not kind things towards me and only the past few months out of two years. He's been there for me through some deep awful things, grief of losing my cherished little fluffy boy of 16yrs, me leaving an abusive relationship of 10yrs well over a year ago, getting my art back, encouraging me to stand up for myself even with him, he's doted on me and spoiled me with his time more than even a partner ever has, he listens to me and remembers so much. Even when I type up so much to him most days, he reads it all and knows he doesn't have to and I just enjoy talking to him. We've both put a LOT of work and help into each other and this friendship. We've both started healing from deeply rooted issues that we never did until we reconnected after his ghosting, we both have experienced many new amazing things because of the other, we thrive and grow together. When I met him he was VERY agitated at any idea of 'changing' and now he's told me he's changing big things to be a better person because he doesn't want to hurt me.
He's changing deeply rooted things. He's learning to sit with and identify and express feelings when he wasn't raised to do that. And boy does he pick up on things quickly. He's so intelligent and hard working when he puts his mind to something.
And in March, when he said he was tempted to walk away (I didn't do anything but he was frustrated as hell with my confusion over the extreme volatility from nowhere and his own feelings and it caused clashes) but when I asked why, he said he didn't know but just didn't want me to be sad.
I had asked him if he'd still walk away from someone else he generally liked in the other guild, just cause they'd be sad, if they made him as frustrated as he was with me. He said yes. He'd easily walk away. And when I asked what I meant to him as a friend and what I brought to the table, he didn't understand what I meant at first and after I told him what he meant to me and brought to the table, he took a week or so to process and think and he brought me ONE thing at that time.
'You help me be human'
He doesn't express himself very well but I think that's a big thing and tbh, might be similar to me. He helps me feel more human myself.
I wasn't raised as a person. I was a tool and was abused much of my life. He's made me feel like a human being. One that is cared for and valued.
Maybe I make him feel the same cause he's expressed that he has always been treated poorly as well.
So maybe the feelings he has are simply just attaching to the one person who's treated him right? (I know mine are love and not just that)
But maybe something real is growing in there.
He IS thinking on those feelings. It'll take some time.
As I wait, I kinda figured I'd just ask opinions just to pass some time. =P
It's long but hope you enjoy the post and that maybe it also can give some encouragement to people who know an avoidant or who are DA and don't think change can happen.
This stuff has all be hard work from myself at first and him increasing it over time himself. He kind of has ick feels about therapy itself and even with my help at first was cranky saying it felt like a therapy session just doing normal conflict resolution that I'd do. lol But now he doesn't associate it with that and just says I'm trying to help and care.