Yeah, I know it's not a "manly" thing to do. And probably because Reddit is anonymous is probably why I feel comfortable speaking about it.

But yeah, all the frustrations, all the hurt, all the embarrassment just came to a boiling point as I saw that nothing was going to change despite my efforts to put myself out there in trying to date. All for no effect.

I feel like part of the band of misfits - alone, unwanted, never had a girlfriend or been with a woman. Hobbies alleviate some of the issues but only to a certain point. Therapy does so much to control my mood as does meds but today was the worst day so far.

I think it was a girl I really liked who rejected me that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Oh I respected their choice and wished her well. But it was another rejection that internally just caused me to break down when I got home and cry.

I'm so exhausted of it all.

It’s for a reason that I told her was a major incompatibility between us in the beginning of our relationship (it’s private) and made her aware of me being before we ever started dating, told her I was worried about it being an issue, and even tried to end things early on to avoid getting my heart broken.

She swore up and down, over and over and over again that she would be okay with it and we would work it out. She even sobbed and begged me not to leave because of it.

Now after I let my guard down and got vulnerable, she’s ending things for that same exact reason.

I feel so angry and betrayed and screwed over. I never NEVER get vulnerable with anyone the way I got with her. Ever. She was literally perfect to me. My dream woman. We had just this one single incompatibility. I understood its ability to ruin everything for us early on, and that’s the whole reason *why* I tried to be rational and brutally honest and did my part and my best to make sure this wouldn’t happen.

She assured me that it would be fine.

I just feel so stupid

Even while breaking up with me she told me she saw me as her life partner but that she couldn’t see a way we could move forward without one of us getting hurt

And I agree but fuck. Why couldn’t she have just accepted that exact thing in the beginning when I told her that???

Now I wasted my time and emotional vulnerability and opened myself up just to get hurt again.

She passed just 15 minutes ago, after making sure she made it to see my last day out there, and she made it to her 40th anniversary with my father. He spent every night at the hospital with her

She didnt deserve to go out in the painful way she did, but she did it with grace, never letting us know how much pain she was in

The courage she showed at the end is nothing short of extraordinary. Im gonna miss you mom.

Thanks for all your kind words and advice, it helped me get through the roughest point in my life so far. Now im off to cry with my wife.

My girlfriend and I had planned a 37-day trip around Asia. We were supposed to leave on July 15 and travel through Thailand, Taiwan, South Korea, and Japan together.

Then, on July 1, everything changed.

I suffered an iatrogenic pneumothorax after an acupuncture session. My lung collapsed, and I spent five days in the emergency department receiving oxygen therapy. I was discharged on July 6, but our trip was over before it even began. I lost around $2,500 on flights and travel expenses.

Ever since then, I've been afraid that it could happen again.

My girlfriend, who is Taiwanese, has been with me for two years. She's six years older than me, and although my parents keep telling me to leave her because they think she's overweight, we have a deep emotional connection. I agree that losing some weight would be good for her health, but that's not what defines our relationship.

She came to Turkey on July 16 just to be with me after everything that happened, and she'll be flying back to Taiwan on August 2.

For the past two weeks, I've just been resting at home and trying to recover. It's hard not to think about where we were supposed to be right now. Instead of exploring Asia together, I'm at home trying to heal and wondering when I'll feel normal again.

I'm feeling really down. It feels like 2026 has been one of the worst years of my life so far. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.

My mother and I havent been on good terms in years but we've always been there for each other. Today, she got married. I found out through my aunt. I was at work and my aunt came in and told me. My aunt asked "are you going to your mom's wedding on Saturday?" I was surprised and caught off guard. Like I just talked to my mom a few days ago and she said nothing. I went over for mother's day. No mention of a relationship.

I immediately texted her when my aunt told me. She argued with me saying she didnt want to tell me because we dont talk as much as we used to. Told me I can go to the party after the wedding thats happening on Saturday when everyone else is going. My dad did this same thing when I was a teenager and she never forgave him for it. Now she did it to me? I told her to not contact me again.

Really struggling with this right now as I dont have many people in my life as is.

I feel like my life hasn't moved in the last 12 months but honestly it's been like more then 8 years. And I just don't understand what does it take to change my life and create the life I want. It's like I'm the CEO of my life yet I feel deep down I should be fired because no company in the real world would tolerate and accept laziness procrastinating overthinking and no action. And that's the phase I've been living in and gotten so used to it.

Here is my story: M(27) F(27)

I matched with a girl on Hinge early September last year hit things off immediately, texting every day I was like wow this is incredible - My birthday a week later in September took me to a new cinema and got me my favourite aftershave, paid for everything - I laughed and said are you love bombing me to which she said no I was being nice for your bday.

-Months go by, nice getaways to hotels, training together, great sex and everything felt perfect she told me I was the best thing ever so grateful and lucky she ended up with someone like me, she had a young son who was 9 and I did not meet in person - she said her ex bf who was practically the step dad of the kid left her 2 years ago and put her kid in therapy and she done some as well, in which she tells me all the things she wants in an ideal partner and I tick every box, I felt like this girl really understood me and I had met my person.

Now this is where the cracks start, she would mention how evil and hateful her ex (Together 6 years) was and mentioned he was in the same Tesco as her at xmas (live in local area) He was walking in and she was walking out - I said that's trippy never easy bumping into an ex - left it at that. Did not want to appear phased. Had a nice xmas met her Mum and her little sister things felt very good and often stayed with her and her mum when her son was at the kids dads. She also told me things like she was with someone and she was and they got back together after a year and she said things to him like go out and cheat if it makes you feel better because she was with someone else.

At end of February my Granny passed away unexpectedly - She mentioned how her ex BF did not let her into the after event when his granny passed away etc I just let her vent and was always understanding of what her ex put her through Granny passed away on Tuesday and then on Friday I met her Dad for the first time - Naturally stressed over my Grannys passing I did not drink - she did and was drunk off prosecco- On the trip down and home she basically played a FU to her ex song - and her dad mentioned she seen her ex and he looked rough - anyways, we drove home and I said to her this ex really hurt you and your son and hes like a ball and chain on your leg, he is in the past and if he was so bad he left you and your son in therapy be happy he's gone - she said she's 'over him just not the situation she put her and her son through' - when I said I wasn't happy she's mentioning him the week I am grieving the death of my grandparent she stone walled me - I left her house and drove home to regulate as I was with a previous GF who stonewalled me and it done a number on me and she was aware of this and also the heard week I had - she was drunk and proceeded to tell me I was never meeting her child and that was us done over text, I felt this was manipulative- We then sorted this out - half apology from her and from me I thought I needed to be more understanding of her situation and we told each other we love each other. But, I felt maybe selfishly she should have been understanding my Granny passed away that week and I wasn't in a headspace to listen about her ex who was so bad?

- The month after we had a great month done a charity 10K and had a nice getaway - I spoke to her son on the phone and on FaceTime over those few months we were together over xmas and when she was on a family holiday to New York - still no physical interaction I said it would be nice to meet your child as I have gotten him a birthday present and an Xmas one and we both know about each other and I am getting a bit frustrated of having to hide around the corner when we know about each other - Bare in mind I asked this respectfully and said no pressure I just need a plan as she said if I met him I could travel to Spain with her and her kid this summer and her graduation was coming up soon. The kid also told his biological father about me that Saturday as well - I did not mind as obv was in everyone's best interests I treated his son with respect and care

I was met with two days of silence - then seen her on the Saturday went to the gym all was fine, thought that was back on track and we said we would go to the cinema on the Wednesday and on the Tuesday I got a text telling me I was perfect, we have a laugh together but she feels 'something is missing' - and ended things with me over text after 7 months.

I did not reply for 3 weeks my family and friends told me not to and I deserved more than a break up text as I was blindsided and was constantly told I was the best person in the world and she was so lucky to have me, but when I mentioned maybe meeting her kid she turned so nasty and discarded me like I was nothing over text, when I did then text her to speak she then told me 'she loves me as a person but not in love with me' and I deserve better - I did not reply again, I was in such shock I feel so heartbroken how can she be all lovey then discarded over text? I noticed when I put her number into whatsapp she had no profile picture anymore and her messages were set to disappearing which makes me think her ex was back in the picture or hiding something? - Her tiktok reposts after were all things like when a man leaves your life build a comfortable life etc - except I never left her?

I have never been this hurt and blindsided before in my life, I wasnt even worth a conversation just felt so easily disposed when we had concerts etc to look forward to this summer and all I was worth was a text.

What do I do I am still incredibly in love with her - Its been 3 months nc and I have been attending therapy and gym but I still feel stuck

TLDR: dont mind misspelling. was successful professional 2 years ago with a small fortune, got addicted to drugs after breakup, developed a horrific gambling addiction and ruined my life, or it feels like it. Godbless for reading. life is so hard and it wasn't always this way

Posting here because I feel like I need to talk to someone and although I’ve had and probably could have some quality friendships, at this long in my life I’ve not tended to them properly and primarily am isolated.

I was a Chef/cook by Trade in my youth into my late twenties, and have always been pretty personable, relativly good looking, tall and havent had much issues with companions in the past. Always struggled with alcohol and depression, and have been in decent shape most of my life, ( at different points i could run 10 miles fairly easily, got into cycling long distance for a while and even could lift weights pretty well at times, 225 bench 400 DL etc.)

I would say mentally i have always kind of struggled with self worth and confidence which probably manifested as confidence in my twenties. I have a great family, my brother is a year younger than me, works on walstreet and my sister is a stewardess for delta. I worked for disney as a chef in my twenties and was able to get a salaried position as a chef which was a signifigant accomplishment for me. did that for 5 years then when covid happened i had an opportunity to move and take a new job.

I've moved probably 30 times since i was 17 when i got kicked out of my parents house( i was what one would call a troubled youth but looking back it was primarily drinking and weed & arrogance) and lived in 5-6 states in my life, FL, MO, TX, TN, SC, NY, yata yata, almost always in pursuit of career advancemnt or love.

4 years ago i got the best job of my life, which involves minimal traveling and primary working from home, and i use the term working from home loosely. i have an incredible amount of free time on my hands that ive used well in the past but quite frankly my life fell apart in the last 18 months.

850 Credit score, thought i had the stock market figured out. had a couple hundred thousand dollars in the bank, great shape and no worries. I met a girl, she had 2 kids, we fell in love but it was kind of toxic, one of those crazy loves that you know isnt sustainable. I really saw myself as someone having his own family not inserting myself to another. and this manifested in the relationship, and ultimatly we broke up. this was december 2024.

Ive always had an affinity for drugs recreationally and but alcohol mostly, and ive drank properly in the past, even had sobriety and had been genuinely happy at certain points.

After this breakup i had a small surgery and got some low level painkillers, and was depressed, i had been introduced to pills by this ex GF that i didnt really know about prior to or how to get them as well as xanax. To make a long story short. over the last 18 months, i was trading stocks responibly and making good money aswell as having a just under 6 figure salary. got on drugs made some terrible decisions in the market( exited positions that woud be worth multi millions this present moment) and developed a serious gambling addiction.

Im 100k in debt, can barely pay my rent, owe 5k to bookies, 70k to CC, and countless payday loans and maybe 10k from family. Ive been to rehab for xanax, and alcohol 2 times now, have gotten off of those but am still on suboxone for the opiates i picked up 2 years ago. Miraculously ive been able to keep my job but im so far in debt and fucked up in the head from losing so much fucking money that my confidence is so fuckins shot.

I know this is gonna sound sillly to some folks but im sure some will relate, but i had 200k in decent stocks that i should have just put in google or AMD or whatever, and would be making 30k in divedends and a millionare now. Mind you i grew this account with 40thousand dollars that i saved up over my whole life.

Before this last girlfriend i had a wonderful woman that i lived with in TN that i spend quite abit of time thinkining about how i should have married but i was so selfish and cocksure and stuck in alcohol addiction i left her and moved to TX.

This is an incredible long read over the phone and become rambling but i've considered ending my life countless times but i have the sweetest mother and couldnt bare to think about what it would do to her.

So here i am. 34 100k in debt. alone. isolated and on opiate treatment with absolutly no confidence that i can come out of it. I feel like one of those lobsters that Jordan Peterson talks about in his book 12 rules for life that loses a fight and never recovers. I Know what to do but i dont have the will or vigor to do it. ive lost all discipline and respect for myself and spend all my time in regret. I dont have any more tears to give. and no one to talk to. my head is scrambled eggs.

When people used to lose it in movies or i'd hear stories about it as a kid or even 5 years ago i couldnt understand it because i had so much drive. I have no Drive. i spend all day alone, gambling paychecks away and just trying to save face for my family and job. but atleast im not addicted to xanax anymore.

I read alot of these posts on here and it doesnt feel like my situiation is very unique.

thanks for reading, and Godbless. life is so hard and it wasnt always this way

So I don't want to say the world but pill is talking about the infamous pill that has turn a lot of guys into sexist. If you know what I am talking about, then you know.

Last hint is that it's leader just got arrested and that is making news. But I want to take a moment and reflect on a time before this stuff was popular and talk about another space call men's improvement space.

Ultimately this space eventually became sexist but originally it wasn't like that. I can recall back in covid podcasting just became popular and a lot of people were clinging to ways to find meaning.

Around that time, a lot of guys were talking about confidence and building a masculine frame. It wasn't about women. It literally was about you. It was about going to gym without being told. Stop blaming women for your short coming and mediate daily. There was motivation videos from army drill sergeants talking about making your bed. Random voice overs in movie clips talking about its you against the world.

People like Mark Manson was talking about not being needy and your attraction is largely based on who you are. I remember dudes who would have podcasts who would let men call in just to slam dunk them if they talked about women or made excuses.

Good example of this is Fitxfearless who legit just makes fun of guys who are fat, lazy or complainers.

Personally, I don't think it was all healthy as I get older I realize that nothing is all your fault. Life just happens. It also promoted the idea that you aren't enough until you achieve something great.

I think that last part is how misogynistic views eventually creeped in. The leader of the pill didn't start talking about that stuff. Originally it was all about hustling and getting money. The ones who weren't like that quietly left the space.

If you have a chance look up cole hastings or Jordan Greene. 2 youtubers who were young adults and now are in relationships. They both started off as single lonely men.

I'm curious though do you think any of those type of videos?

It just feels like a little reminder how late and alone I am in life again. I mean, I'm still happy for him.

I ruined my life and the lives of the people I cared about the most.
I pushed my wife and kids away. This caused me to lose my job and career. Facing legal troubles and charges. Bankruptcy. My kids hate me and wife is moving on. I self medicated my stress with alcohol after growing up with an abusive bipolar mother.

I’m accountable for my own actions and suffering from the guilt, regret, depression, and realization. I’m simply tired of anxiety, depression and suffering. No one would care if I didn’t wake up tomorrow. But I least I wouldn’t suffer anymore and they can move on. The logic is sound. I can end up homeless begging for food living in my regret, or just leave on my own terms. And yes I could give it a chance to get better, but I don’t really want to wait and see. I’ve been through and caused enough. I’m broken mentally, physically, motivationally, and financially. I’m smart enough to see the writing on the wall from the experiences of others. Not hitting the lottery on this one. Reality is cruel and it’s not going to get easier.

I’m numb and heartbroken after my girlfriend of almost two years broke up with me two weeks ago. She called me controlling because I held my boundary about not wanting drugs in our relationship. She has mental health issues, and I always tried to be understanding and supportive.

She suddenly started smoking again, brought drugs into my house, and did them right in front of me. I stayed calm, fed her, got her comfortable, and suggested we talk in the morning. Instead, I woke up to her doing it outside again. I asked her to leave and even offered to get her a hotel, but I wouldn’t allow it in my home.

After the breakup, I found out she met a guy at a concert three weeks earlier, was talking to him behind my back, and within days of our split she was hooking up with him. Now they’re already engaged.

I feel completely monkey-branched and destroyed; physically and emotionally, just tired. I really thought she was the one. I’m struggling to balance being sad and rightfully angry with still being genuinely worried about her mental health. Any advice on how to process all this would help.

Note: the two slides go in order with the sonnet being in the middle. I also copy and pasted it here below my comment with - indicating a new stanza in the sonnet.

I wrote a detailed rant about my past experiences but I'll share it in the comments if interested so I don't clog this post body. Lmk if any of this speaks to you or if anything sticks out, just like to share my art made for self expression. I suppose it's a good way to also overview how things have been for me as well.

Emotional Petting Zoo

I used to write and think and contemplate love and connection. To share all with another, wouldn’t it be nice to stand together with shared affection? When I first reached out, fate and my own chains had me burned. I shut away for years yet secretly still yearned. When I thought I was healed and my Jeckle overcame the Hyde, I opened again and tried to be good to others as a point of pride. Mabye seen as a bit cute or fun and quirky, offer intimacy for validation as someone whose energy is perky. My humor, passion and interests seemed like something to enjoy, it took me time to realize that’s all I was to many, just a toy. I was confused for a while between manic impulse and anxious drinking, I would often get involved without always thinking. Looking back, few cared if I was plastered, because if I gave the right attention, and could still fuck like a freaky bastard, why try an intervention? Not to be asked what was wrong or seemed off, liked when feeling amatory, and I wish that was it but it’s just the start of my toy story. I was and am flawed, and I can admit and learn from that fault. But being open helps others anxiety to be thawed, as they share fears and feeling safe despite a past assault. I stay open and listen and make sure I empathize, provide reassurance and more, I learned to give love that others could utilize. But I'm left saying,

Sonnet:

-You have longed for someone to kiss your scars

As I do so, they appear in my soul.

I’m your confessional beneath the stars,

You wouldn’t even know it takes a toll.

-I exist to wipe the tears from your eyes,

Who better than one living in sorrow?

Feeling safe while compassion never dies     

But if I break, you’ll be gone tomorrow

-Find a man who wears his heart on his sleeve,

Loved when vulnerable but still stoic.

You claim to care but you also leave;

When I’m just a man and not heroic.

-The moment I’m a real person we’re through,

I’m just an emotional petting zoo

Liked for being open and some fun, it lets you relax the apprehension. But when the trauma and disorders I mentioned become real, there's a problem with my third dimension. You say I’m different and you like it and I don’t disagree, I like to provide that comfort, yet when I’m in need, you’re an absentee. Open to all you share, store your desires in me like a fetish caddy. I sometimes forget this and think we’re more, and that I’m not just someone you trust to be rough while you call him Daddy. Among all of this I may have truly been in love before, but that’s a tale for another time, because from it my faith will take time to restore, my heart now far past its prime. Still, before and after I’ve seen the same pattern repeat, convinced I’m wanted for who I am and not how I make them feel, that's my self deceit. I can handle that and understand my place as a tool, but false promises and proclamations of love are just cruel, and when I’m left hanging I feel like a fool. I can see why it's said to have been better to have loved and lost, but after how many times can I still reform, and at what cost? Give and take and give and take and take, I never know if it’s real or fake. I file it away as another “loved for a use or time”, one among (Count 1… 2… 3..) however many dozen. Some faces and names I don’t even remember, but know the stories shared, that weight is now as familiar to me as a cousin. To have come and gone, it's hard when you start to trust, but lose it when inconvenienced and so on, yet I try to keep my heart robust. I understand it being complex, and I’m not opposed to being your new fetish or kink, but with false promises and intimacy, I don’t know what to think. It’s still fine to check me out of the zoo pen, but don’t say it’s for keeps and leave me hollow again.

I (16y old) feel like my dad was never here for me (i dont even remember how old i was when my mom and he broke up) and i feel like i never had a father figure since that moment.it wasn't rlly a problem since now bcuz it was hurting but this was smth i could go through but now that i'm in vacation with my mom's bf and his son i'm starting to feel like my whole life i never had a father figure to became (if u understand) , and now i'm just scared that i missed my whole life (since now) because of this,like half of it was missing Also even tho i see him a weekend every 2 week it just feel like it's not my dad , just someone

Really sucks that I will never be someone’s choice for romantic attachment. One of my best friends lived with me after they left a toxic relationship. Knew them years before this, stayed with me for 4 months until they found their footing. I caught feelings then but knew the timing wasn’t right, over a year later I finally tell them. They’re now asking for space for the past two weeks, the one person I thought I could tell anything. I recently hooked up with a former FWB, fooled around, had a good time. All ruined when I asked for a hug before I left. I was told I’m not “worth that amount of emotional investment.” Because of my own stupid choices and bad timing I’ve been without comfort or support as I move and start a new job. Just really fucking sucks and I have no one to talk to.

My date today ghosted me last minute and I was just hoping to take a break from the constant grind. Looking for solo date ideas or encouragement to keep hitting the gym. Whatever works better in your opinion :(

Hey there,

My name is Zac and I am a current psychology honours student at Federation University Australia.

The moderators have generously allowed me to share a research project looking at how individual personality traits interact with short-form social media feeds (specifically simulating TikTok content exploring modern online subcultures, gender roles, and societal dynamics).

Who can participate:
Open to anyone over the age of 18 who is fluent in English.

What’s involved:
A 20-30 minute interactive study where you will complete a few personality measures and watch a simulated 15 video feed (some of which may include potentially confronting or offensive content related to social and political issues).

The Link: 
https://federation.syd1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_4ZrUUEJudrbnMJE

Incentive: 
Participants can choose to enter an optional prize draw to win one of two $20 (aud) Prezzee gift vouchers to a store of your choice. 

Upon completion (around end of November 2026), I will share the results and key findings from the study. 

If there are any questions about the study itself, please ask away!

Participation is voluntary and completely anonymous.

Federation University Ethics reference number 2026-108

I really didn't see how badly this would affect my life and mindset, and for what my experience is worth, I would like to add a compassionate warning for other men. I don't want you to set yourself up into a life of regret.

Do not listen to that friend that says "pay for it". Even if you just do it once, the next time will be too easy. Build yourself up and find true love instead, find that girl to imagine forever with and ask her to do the same with you, without that past to haunt you.

You may just end up like me, mid-thirties, alone, with little actual relationship experience, not having imagined a future with someone because I can just pay for it again when I need to. Now far too behind on what actually supporting someone in a loving relationship means. Wondering if I even deserve something real.

Having knowledge that I've only been depriving those girls of the same loving relationship that I would want for myself later in life, with the worst of it being I've perhaps supported human trafficking without even knowing. It all hits hard.

It quickly becomes a life of many regrets, please don't make the same mistake.

So many moons ago, I was going through divorce talks with my ex partner. I had enough and was mentally exhausted, I decided to go out with friends. Well one beer led to many and one puff of the wacky tobacky and it was lights out. When I finally came home, my ex was waiting for me in the kitchen. Got into a screaming match and then he broke my phone. Then things turned physical. Eventually I had enough and pulled the nearest knife and said, "i would be happier dead."

That was wake up call 1.. his final act as my husband, he took me to the er where I was booked into a mental hospital for a week. Let me tell you... I've never been more scared or weak in my life. But eventually I met some people there and it was actually a healing experience. I found that I wasn't alone. I wasn't "crazy". I found that I mattered for once in this world. I also found that it was fine to cry.

So you matter. We matter. I am always available if someone needs a ear to listen. A friend when they think they have no friends.

I am here and glad you are here too.

Mark.

TLDR; Life hit me with a lot of horrible shit back to back, put me in a place where I was isolating from everyone “not to stress them out with my bullshit”. Kiddo messaged me to say he loves me & I can’t die yet, put things into perspective.

I won’t really get into gritty details, but the past several years have been pretty hard on my family unit financially and emotionally. I lost my best friend to an overdose, my baby sister developed additional tumors and signed a DNR, I lost my job and position of bread-winner I’ve had for nearly a decade. There’s more, but you get the gist. We’ve been hit again and again, had to flee states for our own safety (peep the flair and you’ll get it), and just generally struggled without break for… At least four years now.

Needless to say, all of that piling up put me in a pretty dark place- coming from a guy who’s usually already in a dark spot mentally due to CPTSD this resulted in some severe isolation and exasperated my struggles. I’ve never been one to seek out help, raised on that bootstrap mentality despite knowing I’m not capable of saving me from myself. I’ve always been one to keep my cards close to my chest, and try not to overshare my struggles with those around me because… everyone has struggles, I don’t need to add onto their stress.

As you can imagine, it’s made things pretty bleak. I’ve been slipping into really bad territory, one that had me considering a permanent solution to my issues.

The other day, my ex’s kid (known him for 10 years now) happened to message me right after I woke up and I was more candid than I have been in a while- nothing overwhelming dumped on him, just the generalized “life is shit but I’m still trucking”, and later in our conversation he mentioned he’d been sick recently so I joking hit him with the “hey kid you’re not allowed to die yet, I’ve still got gifts to give you”. Just poking fun at the situation a bit.

I wasn’t expecting him to hit me back with almost my exact words, telling me he also has things to give me and talking about how much he and his brother can’t wait to see me again. It was kind of like a punch to the gut, in a way- I’ve been waxing poetic about my death for months but the reminder that those kids love me and want me here made everything shift. I still have a lot of struggles, and that conversation didn’t change or help my situation… But it did change me, and how I think about my death.

I’m going to try texting one person a day, at least. Even if I don’t open up about how difficult things are for me, I want to at least be an active participant in my relationships again.

Final Note: I know I need therapy & medication both, and have had extensive journeys with both (20+ for each over the years). Please know I’m not just wallowing in my woes, I am trying to get better. Haven’t been able to afford a meds refill since I lost my job, and likewise for a therapist- but the latter is in the works.

I see examples of Blackpill every single day and that's what pulled me into it in the first place. I just wanted to self improve but I ended up falling into the blackpill rabbit hole. The more I watched the deeper I got. I joined niche communities like the org and spent hours LARPing and shitposting. It was funny at first but over time it took a dark turn. I became more and more toxic without even realizing it.

The only good thing that came out of it was that I lost quite a bit of weight. My skin got a little better and I started eating healthier. That's about it.

Deep down I know I can improve if I actually put in the effort but I just can't make myself do it. I've tried so many times but I always end up going back to those communities or watching the same depressing content again.

The worst part is that I don't even have a reason to keep going back. I've already learned everything I wanted to know. I've spent countless hours reading about bones ,muscles , diet , nutrition, posture , and every tiny detail. And Made a complete list of things that would actually help me improve in the long run but I never stuck with any of them. And whenever I did start I couldn't keep it up for more than a week.

Now I can't focus on anything. I waste hours every day and it feels like I'm trapped in the same cycle.

I still remember what my life was like a year ago before all of this. I used to hang out with my friends ,go on walks ,read books ,work out ,watch movies ,play games and what not , just enjoy life. Back then those things actually made me happy.

Now they don't Nothing really feels enjoyable anymore. It's like I've lost interest in everything that used to make me happy.

I just want to get out of this somehow.