I didn't know where to go or what subreddit this belongs in but think I can get help here. We have temporary custody of our niece, a preteen who lost her mom 2 weeks ago. Her mom had significant issues with drinking so her childhood was rough. I thought I knew the extent of it because its family, but she woke up around midnight and came to me. We talked and she proceeded to tell me so much detail about what the home was like, bullying at school, her father etc...

I feel terrible. She's like talking to an adult. She loves being at our house so much because in 5 days I have provided her with so much. She has that uneasy feeling that its too good to be true and feels like she's dreaming.

Idk. I feel lost. She lost everything. Her mom, older sister a few years back, her pets went to the shelter (done by moms boyfriend, we were unaware and its too late), brother went to dad. Her house she will never go back to. And then I feel weird just buying her things. I feel like im contributing to this weird sinking feeling she has. But we have other children so I cant change or treat her less than. She gets what my other kids get. But it all feels strange.

She said that everyone leaves her. Im sick to my stomach. I guess I don't even know what im asking for here. Maybe looking for resources or places you went for help. Its a dark task. Her whole life I got to love her like a niece but not KNOW her. Now I am getting to KNOW her. I could have helped her and her mom but they were so far away. I had no idea things got so bad.

not sure what I'm after, maybe perspective - we'll see what happens!

We have our first placement, an 8 year old boy, we didn't know what we were doing at first and had 3 phone calls a day with mom (morning, evening and goodnight), when GAL found out she shut that down.

Bio mom blames us for keeping her son away from her, and I'm pretty sure she thinks we're only ever mean to her son (he gets some stern no's after he refuses to listen to rules).

Is it normal for bio parents to be contemptuous of foster parents? We tell kid and Bio mom that we're looking forward to them being back together, that we know no matter fun we are we aren't mom.

the CW greenlit 15 minute supervised calls. Many of the calls focus on laundry, bio mom doesn't want us doing any of his laundry (she gets him new stuff at every visit 2x week). A few pieces of clothing seem to be missing (bio mom doesn't want us to even know what clothes he has in his possession). Bio mom routinely on the phone with the kiddo tells him to be careful and to keep to himself since his clothes are missing.

Bio mom has 0 appreciation for anything we do. We put in so much effort to play with and engage a kid that's play repertoire is TV and wrestling, its been great seeing him learn some creativity with our own very creative kids. We drive like 3 hours each weekend so his can play with some of my relatives that he loves.

Mom has nothing but contempt for us, no appreciation when we cancel date night because calls have to be supervised and she can't do a call at a different time. She gives the most encouragement to her son when he's sad (missing her) and almost no positive feedback when he talks about something fun he did without her. I get being sad about missing things - but the fun thing wasn't a surprise - I would be happy my kid had a good day in a crappy situation.

We mentioned to CW that we could make 30 minutes a day fit in our schedule now in an effort to build goodwill with mom. Somehow this got communicated through like 4 people to Bio mom that it was happen (genuine breakdown of communication) and Bio mom says that she wore down HHS to get 30 minute calls - it was our suggestion, and from a recent call she thinks we're against it. Our whole goal was to get her more time and show her we were on her team - and that failed (the first few longer calls were spent talking about missing clothes and being sure he wasn't using the clothes hamper or dresser he has available, she wants him using trash bags for all of his clothes)

I spose I'm frustrated at the animosity bio mom is putting up, I want to be on her team. She makes it so hard, accusing us of stealing clothes that don't fit anyone in our house, accusing my 1.5 year old of bullying her son, not expressing an iota of acknowledgment (much less appreciation) that we're trying to help her son have not a bad time in our home.

its almost like she thinks she's playing chess to say that if our home is bad for her son he should come home.

I know we'll have a bio parent someday that I will look back on this and be thankful for only being accused of stealing a pack of socks and shorts.

wondering if anyone can help me not paint bio mom out as the manipulative conniving person I've built her to be.

Our family situation is somewhat complicated. I would love input on how you would handle this situation or maybe help show me what I am seeing.

My husband and I have three bio children. About four years ago we started foster classes and took in our niece on kinship. Her mother (my sister) has had two more children. There is a definite mental health element to all of this, sister wasn't able to get things together and tpr happened with my niece, she was able to keep her babies though with in home help and appts.

In the mean time my parents moved in with us, we wanted to help take away some financial burden while they were in transition with housing and going through health problems. The agreement has always been that we are open to this being long term but also are away that we are pretty strapped on space, so maybe they will be moving with us as well when we find a bigger home.

We are now months away from adoption of our niece. About two months ago my sister went downhill real fast, family has tried to help so much but it just isn't safe and she won't accept help. My parents got permission from the police to take the babies, they have come and lived with us since. Dhs says that it's a family matter since they are safe and grandparents have them. Although everyone involved with DHS , caseworker and GAL for niece says this is insane. Hearing this my parents are pursuing guardianship of the babies through the court, paying fees and everything. There is no outlook of sister being safe or well. We are talking a years progress if anything before she is safe for these kids. Dad's are out of the picture and not a possible placement.

Here is where I just don't understand. We are still a registered foster home. We have been in this game for four years and are in the depths of parenthood. Ever since these babies came along it has been acknowledged that if anything happened we would welcome them with open arms, they are my nieces siblings she has a connection with them. I figured as things happened and as they became more of a permanent situation my parents would transfer this to us because let's face it they are older and we are ready for these kids, lets let them be siblings and grow up together.

Well time has come and they don't seem to budge. My dad is almost protective of them And saying he is going to raise them until he dies. My mom seems so stressed. Her freedom is taken away and she is breaking down often from the emotions of it all so much. My husband and I both see the strain in their marriage this is causing. It just doesn't make sense to me why they would burn through the rest of their life doing the kid thing again and not just accept and be grandparents. It is known that my sister is not a fan of me. I am the youngest and in her mind I ruined the family. My parents tried to avoid frustrating my sister by taking the babies instead of me because of the upset that was caused when I got guardianship of my niece.

Nothing is progressing though and she is about to be evicted. I don't get how the state hasn't taken custody of these kids with how unsafe it all has gotten, so many police reports. And it has been said to me over and over that if they ever were taken into custody they would come here, there is already family that is foster parents so they would go there. But here we are. My parents don't seem like they are going to budge. We have a talk coming up where my dad has acknowledged we all need to sit down together but that was right after he said he will raise them until the grave....

This just feels rough... To me it feels like they don't see my hard work for these kids and are believing all the lies my sister says. If they really want to pursue raising these kids, part of my instinct is to say that they should move out... How can I raise my kids along another set of kids that they are saying they want so bad ( not to mention I am doing majority of work. They barely take them out of the house, I am the only one willing to take them shopping and out to explore ) I feel like this will inevitably turn into almost like a step parent toxic household where two kids are being raised different from the other four cuz they aren't your kids.... I don't know what to think. I am not convinced this is the right thinking it feels wrong ...

The easy answer feels like them going to dhhs so we can get help, they won't be financially stressed, we know this process, and not to mention dhhs would go after my sister to try to at least get visitation and that process started (maybe it would wake her up....)

Please help me understand his side. What is happening... Should I say we go out separate ways and just be available to babysit when they need ....

CA

One of my kiddos is entering public school. The sending state order says their order will be filed in my state/CA.

I emailed the GAL for status as the public school system is requesting the CA order. She says she is not responsible for doing that, and I am *required* to do it at my expense ($435 just to file!).

How was I even supposed to know this is my responsibility? The order only mentions it is to be filed and parents notified of the CA case number. It does not say it must be done by me. Nobody mentioned this because if they had, I certainly never would have agreed to it due to cost.

A rough Google search indicates the sending state GAL missed her window to request govt to govt fee waiver or litigation expense and I'm stuck paying for this. And my only recourse is file a complaint that won't result in anything but "this is your responsibility, someone should have told you." 🙄

I'm so fed up with this "system."

Im 20 and my husband is 23, we've been married almost a year and are very secure. He has a good job, I stay at home, things are stable and we're happy. Me and my sister grew up in a SEVERELY abusive household (getting beaten badly, screamed at, not allowed to go to school, socially isolated, etc etc) and she was kicked out at 16. She lived with a friend but that situation was also really really abusive. Im doing alot better due to therapy and a positive church community and the support of my husband. We moved from a studio to a 2bed so we could take my sister in due to her situation. So she moves in (she lived 4hrs away before), instantly starts doing better. We love her and she's one of my best friends so I'm very grateful. The only rules were, no romantic partners over at the house, no weed, and she has to keep a job and pay rent. I knew she'd have issues but I literally have no idea what to do to help her with what is g going on. I should've thought of this before but her mental health was declining quickly and we took her in directly after moving so I didn't have much time to prepare. Her room is full of old fast food, we are getting ants and bugs in our house because of it. Her room is just incredibly dirty. She pays 300 for rent to stay here and is working but she spends all her money on hanging out with friends and her gf who lives 2hrs away. I went in her room to get something she borrowed from me and her room is full of bugs and rotting trash and other things I can't even write here. She also screams at me and cries when I ask her to clean her room or help with chores around the house. I don't care if her room is cluttered or even dirty but I don't want bugs in our house or mold growing on the old rotting food in her room. I took her to go swimming, because she asked and it was 99⁰, and then she started yelling at me because the water was too cold and she didn't want to swim anymore. So I told her, you can't yell at me like that, we're going home, and she sobbed the whole way home. Everything is like this. It's so hard to stay patient when she yells at me and calls me a "fat bitch" or "cunt" everytime I try to help her. My husband is very very gentle and tried talking to her, asking her to please clean her room and help around the house a little (cleaning up after she cooks, doing a chore like sweeping or mopping here and there) and she cried and got mad and didn't leave her room until 5pm the next day. All night long she calls her gf and they talk loudly until like 4am. She wakes up at 12-1, lays in bed until she goes to work, and then comes home to lay in bed again. I don't think she's depressed and ive offered to take her to therapy multiple times but she won't budge. I know I'm probably ignorant and I'm definitely not taking the right approach, I just don't know what to do. She's 18 in a month and i just need help on what to do to help her to be a well rounded individual who can function in society