I’m a 21-year-old gay guy trying to navigate the Enneagram system, and I’ve hit a bit of a wall. I don’t fit neatly into one box—like most people, I imagine—and I’m finding that a lot of the common descriptions, especially for the types I relate to, tend to lean on surface-level tropes rather than the core motivations that actually drive my behavior. I’m hoping to get some outside perspective to help me narrow down my subtype or type.
My social demeanor shifts dramatically depending on who I’m with. With women, I’m naturally warm, confident, welcoming, and quick to give compliments. With men, however, I tend to be defensive and skeptical—often using sarcasm, provocation, or even a bit of aggression to test boundaries or keep things at arm’s length. Even in dating, I start off guarded and hard to impress. Friends often call me “bossy” because I’m decisive and don’t shy away from confrontation. I’m blunt and sassy, and I don’t hesitate to say what I think even if it might hurt someone. However, especially with people close to me, I generally take the necessary precautions to make sure my remarks are appropriate to the context, particularly when the subject is deep.
If I feel disrespected or humiliated, I’m quick to strike back, dropping all social niceties to hit where it hurts. And I’m actually quite good at that; I find it easy to see exactly what could hurt someone or, conversely, what would make them feel good.
I sometimes use an almost excessive level of self-confidence as both a shield and a way to get what I want.
While I project a confident exterior—which comes naturally to me—how I’m perceived by my loved ones matters deeply to me. The way I see my appearance, my style, and my attractiveness impacts my mood and self-worth. I’ve even considered cosmetic procedures because I have a strong desire to be seen as beautiful and alluring by my crushes, lovers, or friends. This intensity around my image makes me feel like I don’t fit the “indifferent” vibe sometimes associated with the 8. It’s not necessarily about being loved by everyone; I actually don’t mind if a stranger dislikes me, as long as they provide me with attention.
This can make me provocative and biting. I’m comfortable being polarizing; in fact, I’d take a strong negative reaction over indifference any day.
However, I need to feel validated and appreciated by the people I consider important, and I want them to care deeply about me.
My relationships are defined by a sharp line between “the circle” and everyone else. For those in my inner circle, my loyalty is fierce. I’m the person who will publicly defend a friend, give genuine advice, and show affection through thoughtful, tangible gestures—like treating them to dinner, writing letters of affection, or gifting flowers and clothes. I genuinely enjoy playing the “group therapist” role.
I want to be important to them. But the flip side is that my tolerance for disrespect is razor-thin.
If a core boundary is crossed, I cut ties without looking back.
I protect my friends and willingly devote myself to helping them when necessary.
Hypocrisy is a major trigger for me, because the only thing I ask for in return for all that affection and attention is loyalty, honesty, and deep appreciation.
Romantically, I crave exclusivity and a deep sense of being important. I want to feel loved and valued as the most precious thing in the world. I grew up seeing a marriage in my family that lacked affection and passion, so I’ve consciously pursued the opposite. I tend to equate intensity with love, which can make me tolerate—and even choose—chaos if it feels “strong” and “passionate.” Being treated as an option, or seeing a partner keep their options open, feels kinda like an insult, and I lose interest almost instantly, because I deserve better—as everyone does, by the way.
To be completely honest, it’s easier for me to end friendships than romantic relationships because, in my friendships, there’s less of that element of passion. In a romantic relationship, as long as there’s still passion, I feel like there’s a reason to stay, even if that passion manifests in negative ways.
I have a pragmatic side here, too; getting into a relationship with someone for their money is, to me, just another way to ensure my security and get what I want. I don’t see a problem with that as long as I remain the most important person in their life and that I get what I want.
My romantic ideal would be someone who is completely obsessed with me, who chooses me every single day, and who makes me feel like the most precious thing in the world. And if that love/obsession also comes with a financial advantage, then that’s the perfect match.
I’m largely driven by immediate, intense desires. If I want something, I want it now, and my logic often follows my current emotional state and desires rather than long-term planning. I value independence, but honestly, I think I’m more attached to the pride associated with it than the actual autonomy. I hate arbitrary authority and only respect those I deem truly competent. I’m quite smart, capable of manipulation and deception or being strategic when it serves me, and I’m very vocal about my emotions—I don’t view them as a weakness. That said, this “passion-first” approach makes me struggle with consistency. If my interest in a project or a path fades, my motivation vanishes, and I struggle to stick with things purely out of duty. I don’t need others to see me as someone successful or hardworking. I can even be lazy while being convinced that I’ll find someone rich to marry anyway—as if the love they would have for me (one-sided, btw) would somehow solve all my problems.
Honestly, I’m feeling stuck. I’ve considered SX2, SO2, SO3, SX3, SX4, SX8, and SO8, but none of them feel like a perfect fit. I find myself relating less to the 1, 5, 6, 7, and 9, but I’m honestly open to any suggestions as long as they’re based on core motivations rather than just behavior. What do you think is going on here? Does this sound like a specific subtype to you, or am I looking at the wrong core type entirely? I’d love to hear your take. Independently of my own theories, of course.
