There are moments when you realize you do want love.

Not all the time. Not even most of the time. Only in fleeting moments. In the moments where you realize the sound of your voice feels better with another. In the moments where you're walking down the street and you catch two people together, their laughter spilling effortlessly into the world around them. In the moments where you notice how naturally their hands fit together, how comfortably they rest their head on the shoulder of the person they've chosen.

You wonder what it must feel like to know someone is home. To know what it's like to be held without fear and without resistance.

It's in the moments where you meet someone and, for a brief second, you can almost see the possibility of what the two of you could become—a future that exists for only a heartbeat before it quietly disappears. Then they leave, and you're left watching them walk away with this grayscale pit in the back of your throat, feeling as though you've just lost another chance at love. Another chance where love quietly looked in your direction, only to choose someone else instead. A part of you knew they were never going to choose you, and you were never going to choose them, but that isn't what hurts. What hurts is that, for a moment, you let yourself believe it might finally be your turn. That maybe, just this once, love had decided to choose you.

It's only in those moments that a part of you feels empty, vacant, and lonely. It's in those fleeting seconds that everything else grows quiet, the world fades into grayscale, and no matter what you do, the emptiness you carry somewhere deep within your soul outweighs the hope that maybe, one day, it will finally be your turn.

You wonder, does everyone else get the chance to experience the kind of love your body aches for? Does everyone else get to experience eyes looking into theirs with the strange feeling that you've somehow known each other long before that moment? Does everyone get to be chosen but you?

As time passes, like it always does, the longing slowly quiets. The ache settles back into the place it came from, and you return to yourself. The idea of love drifts away again, as if it had never been there at all.

Until the next time.

Because you only want love until the possibility of actually having it becomes real. Until the fantasy becomes something that could ask you to be seen completely. To trust someone enough to place the parts of yourself you've spent your whole life protecting into someone else's hands. Until being chosen no longer feels comforting, but terrifying, because the closer someone gets to your heart, the more they have the power to break it.

But the longing was never the difficult part. Wanting someone has always been safe from a distance. It asks nothing of you except to imagine. It's only when the possibility begins to reach back—when someone might actually know you, choose you, stay—that your body remembers everything it learned long before your mind ever understood it.

And you're never quite sure what hurts more.

The familiar emptiness that returns every so often to remind you that you're still alone.

Or the possibility that one day, once someone finally chooses you, you'll spend every day wondering when they'll stop.

TL;DR: 5 years with a genuinely loving, supportive girlfriend. My hesitation was always about her I was not fully commit to her.I've realized the real block might be my own fear of full commitment, not anything about her or her family. Trying to figure out whether to commit and how to actually break this pattern.

That's the real issue: my hesitation was never actually about her. It's been about her family's background. Since I was a kid I built up this image of marrying into a wealthy, highly educated family, and I've been quietly measuring her against that image instead of against reality — even though, when I'm honest with myself, I don't think her background would cause any real problems 10 years into a marriage.

Digging deeper, I don't think this is really about her or even about status. I think I might have a broader pattern of avoiding full commitment — I've noticed the same "start strong, then fade" thing in my exam prep, fitness, and career plans too. This might just be the relationship version of something bigger. I've also been feeling kind of emotionally flat about the whole thing lately, which probably isn't helping me think clearly. I genuinely don't know why I do this, and I know it's something to work through with an actual therapist, not something I can just think my way out of.

I'm 27, a doctor running my own small clinic and a family medical store, dealing with education loan EMIs and family financial responsibilities on top of it. I'm the analytical, weigh-every-option type, which is relevant here because I think I've been overthinking this for way too long.

I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years. On almost every measure that actually matters — personality, loyalty, emotional support, even financial support through hard times — she's genuinely the best partner I've had or could reasonably ask for. If she'd come from a wealthier, "higher-status" family, I would have married her years ago without a second thought.

Over these 5 years we've broken up and gotten back together roughly 5 times, and every single time it's ended the same way — no real decision, just drifting back together. Most recently we split for 6 months and agreed to focus on my exam prep instead of the relationship, then reconciled again without actually resolving anything.

Now my family has started opposing her too, officially over an astrology mismatch. It's not really about money — her family is actually a little better off financially than mine. It's more that her family's general outlook feels a generation behind what I'm used to, and that makes me feel awkward, even though day-to-day married life would really just be the two of us.

Here's what I've had to admit to myself recently: the "reason" keeps changing. Wealth, then astrology, then her family's mindset. Every time I actually examine one closely, it falls apart, and a new one takes its place. Small, completely normal things (she once said we'd get "a vehicle" and it turned out to be a scooter, not a car) have made me doubt the entire relationship, way out of proportion to what actually happened.

So, honestly asking:

- Has anyone been in a similar spot — hesitating on a genuinely good partner because of somethings off (unconsciously finding reason to get out )— and regretted (or not regretted) how it went?

- How much weight would you give a repeating pattern like this (5 breakups, always undecided) versus just committing and working through it?

- Any thoughts on family objections that keep shifting (money → Expectations → mindset) instead of staying consistent .

I'm hurting her ,i feel very bad . Should i leave or Should i break my madeup mind ?

For me it is like a gut wrenching sickness. I feel as if I have barbed wire restricting my throat, and the walls are closing in. I can feel my heart beat fast and every instinct tells me to get away.

This only happens in true moments of clarity when I feel like I am truly developing feelings. A small like or attraction is manageable but true longing feels crushing.

It is consuming. Like I want to disappear. I want to delete all of my social media and purge every semblance of them from my existence.

I cannot withstand the thought of them hurting me. I know I don’t have the mental fortitude to take betrayal again. All of these thoughts plummet into my throat and gut and I want to lock myself back into my safe prison.

I want connection so badly but the thought of sharing my soul again rips away any longing for connection. It genuinely feels like the world is dark whenever I realize I am in a vulnerable position.

This amount of seriousness usually entails a SEVERE detachment. The more I am attached the more I want to rip away. I won’t speak for days or I’ll look for reasons to justify my leaving. I’ll leave the answer vague because I can’t explain my true reasoning.

The numbing of my emotions is usually pretty effective and eventually I’ll truly stop caring and enjoy being alone again.
It feels like snuffing out a flame and the more they resist the more it burns.

My (25F) bf (25F) has been pretty stressed lately for very normal and understandable reasons. He’s been more distant because of this as he’s not really in the mood to talk. It has nothing to do with anything I’ve done, so why do I keep convincing myself I did something to make him mad and that things are over???

My bf is moving things out of a house he and his ex bought it together, but they’re finally selling it so he’s been moving some of his stuff to my apartment. As it’s gotten emptier he started panicking (his word choice) about moving his stuff to my place, and how it’s rough to see it empty and the whole process of trying to sell his house is stressful. I have never owned a house, always rented, so I can’t really relate but can only assume there will always be some attachment to a major thing you own like a house. He also has to get a storage unit, split the cats, and move everything between there, his moms, and my place. I get it’s stressful. I have zero beliefs that he’s still attached to his ex, so that’s not one of my concerns.

I understand everything logically, but for some reason I keep telling myself that I must have done something, and that he must be mad at me and that’s why he’s not talking or texting much, and that this shows everything is going wrong and we’ll probably break up. Idk what the fuck is making me jump to such a large conclusion when I can at the same time, understand that everything he’s going through is a stressful situation and that I behave similarly when I’m stressed. So now I’m convinced there’s some deeper reason than what he told me for why he’s acting this way, and this is obviously making me more upset, so now I’m telling myself that I should just ignore him and this was never going to work and I should’ve never let him move his stuff here in the first place. I’m literally detaching based on an delusion that I’ve made. I’ve become much better at realizing how my attachment issues affect my reasoning and I can realize when I’m spiraling, but how do I actually stop this?

i am FA and my ex of three years and i just ended things. i had just been able to be completely honest about how deep my feelings for her were. however, bc of things i’ve done in the past, she said she can’t do it anymore. i do a lot of testing behaviors that can sometimes get out of hand, but they never escalated to the point in prior relationships than they did with her. i dont understand why im like this. her rejection, even slightly, makes me completely shut down, even though i really just want more connection

I’m moving in with my partner in two weeks and I’m scared what it will bring up in me, how fast will I deactivate and start just seeing bad things in him. I really dont want that happening but I feel like it’s inevitable… is there anything I can do to help this, other than communicating with him and taking my space when needed.

Edit: i’m already thinking about some things which might cause me deactivate and get anxious

Romantic or Platonic

I am 28(M) and the older I get, I kind of learn how to deal with and or work with my condition for the most part but the biggest thing I have trouble with is the whole (it's a big one obviously / and or cyclically) feeling like I am ignored / and or abandonment issues. It is like some burnt food / and or stubborn stain in a pan that no matter how hard you clean it, it never goes away. I managed to somehow through gaming found a FP that I could get along with they seemed to understand me and my condition. We got along great but however recently things happen to change, the self proclaimed patience that they had was gone, getting more attitude and hatred towards me, going offline most of the day after being online for a few secs/minutes, telling a changed in their behavior. This made me spiral and try and find why, I needed to know why. it bothered me, was I the problem? So me being a freak I kind of am figured yes they were playing offline without me. I discovered this by figuring out looking at hours of a game they were enjoying playing with other people (another friend group) offline through steam. I confronted them about it showing pics of time before and after (a few hours) with their time of playing before and after on record changing and I was told I was a freak and how that were angry at me for finding this out and blocking me on all social media that we had in common. this was the end but I have hope I could find others that would be able to help me and or understand me?

I (33M) had a situation about that started in early May and ended in mid-June but is still fucking with me. I'm FA (but I've done a lot of therapy and have become more secure though I wouldn't call myself secure), the person I was seeing (29F) was also potentially FA though she appeared AP early on (asking for lots of reassurance, seemed really concerned with what I thought of her though at the same time was giving red flags about avoidance).

The story: I met someone on Hinge (but we had mutual friends) and had instant chemistry and things escalated pretty quickly. Instantly talking every day, making lots of excuses to see each other, having long phone calls, saying we missed each other after like 10 days. She invited me to her friend's baby shower, asked me to go on a trip abroad with her, and we were basically acting like we were together and talking about future things. She seemed to really like me and wanted to make sure I was into her as well.

Anyway after about 3 weeks she told me that she's in love with her ex who is her boss (he left his wife to be with her then went back to his wife after 4 months), they see each other/text every day, he's extremely important to her, if he came back to her she doesn't know what she'd do, she's helping him process the grief of their break-up, and she'd never choose anyone else over him. She was still having a really hard time with the breakup (happened 6 months ago) and also said that it was her situation to deal with, it doesn't and shouldn't affect me and it wasn't her job to make me comfortable with it but that she wanted to keep seeing me. She said she deserved to have something good despite having all this pain from this previous breakup. She said that she couldn't feel any pressure from me about our connection because she had too much to deal with emotionally on her side. She also said she would never go to therapy and feels like she is better than therapy.

I didn't have an amazing reaction to this, I more or less said that I can try to make this work but I'd need a lot of reassurance and clear effort from her but she said she would not do that because we hadn't known each other for long enough. She also said she was planning on not telling me about this for months and then telling me and using our time together as proof that her relationship with her ex wouldn't affect us. She was adamant that her situation was not affecting her connection with me at all but two days before all this she was crying on my bed and I was consoling her, she didn't tell me the reason why (I didn't pry) but it turned out it was because her ex was unkind to her at work that day. I felt really icky about that.

I kept seeing her for about 5 days but my anxiety was going crazy and I became hyper-vigilant. Things that normally wouldn't have registered to me did (like missing a good night text or her not making plans with me, not checking in with me after I checked in with her). I do not know if there was a difference in her behaviour after she disclosed everything because my anxiety was so high but I did feel like she was detaching. I'll acknowledge I created distance as well and in some way hoped she would bridge the gap. I ended things but instead of focusing on the ex stuff I made it too much about how she wasn't doing enough to make me feel comfortable with the situation and she got very defensive and honestly rude, ending the breakup conversation with an insult.

I regretted how it ended and did reach out a little over a week later to say that I'd like to have a talk with her because I did really feel a connection and I did want to see if there was some way this situation was workable. I just at least wanted to have a calm conversation about everything when neither of us was feeling really activated. She responded saying she might be open to a conversation but she's busy for a few days. I told her some days later on when I was free and she never responded and that was over a month ago now. I was/am really hurt that she basically ghosted me.

I had 2 really rough weeks after all that and at this point I'm mostly fine but I have some moments where it still affects me. I felt such a euphoria from seeing her - at the same time I was struggling to eat and sleep and focus on anything else other than her while we were dating and for 2 weeks or so after it ended. I convinced myself she was the perfect person for me and we were so aligned and I'd never find anyone else as good.

After writing this all out and talking to people about it, obviously this was an insane situation and it was good for me to get out of it. If my friend were to tell me this I'd be saying, dude, what the fuck you dodged a massive bullet this is literally insane. But I got so activated by it and looking back I was feeling really limerent toward her. I think the deep pain I felt after was more due to how she made me feel really good and special/chosen/understood than it was necessarily about her being the perfect partner for me. Still, it is really hard to sever that attachment and truly feel it in my bones that this was a bad person for me. I honestly had thought I was in a healthy "relationship" where the person was really forward about their feelings and I didn't have to guess anything - it really made me doubt my own ability to assess whether someone is healthy for me and to trust my own feelings.

If anyone can relate/commiserate/has insight I'd love to hear it.

Hey,
I'm a male in my 30s with a FA attachment style.
Yes, I have previously gone to therapy, not particularly about my attachment style, but more so working through bits of my childhood. Hence, why I may be a little more self aware than another FA.

To preface, I have been married before. I was married for 7 years total. Married when I was 19 and in the military. I loved being married while I was in the military. I loved having someone dependent on me. I loved feeling responsible for someone (My wound of not feeling worthy if a person doesn't rely on me), but things changed when I came home and discharged from the military. I found myself wanting space, wanting to be away, having a hard time opening up, etc. In other words, we divorced

I haven't had a serious relationship since then. I've only had situationships. I would ironically describe myself as very committed and devoted to the women I've had situationships with. To me, that looks like only giving them my attention, buying them gifts, taking them out, expressing my feelings, as long as they didn't make me feel pressed to make any emotional connection. Once I feel pressured to put a label on things, I no longer want to be involved with said person.

I just like to have fun, laugh, and take care of the person I'm involved with, without all the extra. I don't want to meet family and I don't really want to move in together, none of the traditional relationship stuff.
I've always been happiest either when I'm single, in a long distance relationship, or in a FWB arrangement.
I desire something like an FWB, but exclusive and committed...almost like a serious relationship, without labeling it as such. The person almost always wants more, or I find out she's entertaining others (which is a no-go for me, though I can't get upset about it because we weren't exclusive)

For one, I do not post who I'm involved with, for two, I do not let my family meet who I'm involved with, for three, I do not desire to feel restricted with labels. I am aware this comes off as shady and like I'm hiding something. I've had women think I was secretly married and hiding a double life because of it. Eventually a woman would want to feel claimed and to know where they stand exactly. Nowadays I let women know this upfront that I'm not looking for anything serious...at least not in the way that they view it.

I've had women become attracted to me because of my perceived trauma...so I avoid talking about it. I would say I am someone who has a lot of layers, and I can understand why someone may feel inclined to figure me out. They may see me as a puzzle to solve or a challenge, and I don't need nor desire to be solved. I tend to attract intellectual women who can be described as sapiosexuals.

I can be serious about someone and never show them off, never show them to family, never post them on my socials. But you would never find me off entertaining other women, following other women, because like I said, despite my commitment issues, l would ironically describe myself as VERY exclusive. I love deeply and only feel for one person.

I would expect for the person that I'm in an unestablished relationship with to only be involved with me, regardless of the lack of labels. To me, exclusivity and devotion are most important...but no person who respects themselves would settle for this type of arrangement, and I would feel guilt for treating someone this way. I understand it’s selfish.

I crave someone I can rely on, trust, and build a life together with. Not in the traditional way of building a home life together, but like a business, a charity, a non profit, volunteer work together, etc. I would love to be involved with one person for the rest of my life but I just can’t deal with labels and I am non commital at times. Just some insight into my experience as an FA.

TL;DR

After 2+ years together, we broke up today due to a worsening push-pull dynamic: her anxiety fuels clinginess and overcompensation, which triggers my avoidant tendencies and makes me pull away—creating a painful feedback loop we couldn't break. I finally decided to end things. I'm heartbroken and unsure if I made the right call, wondering if I'm being stubborn or if this was truly unsustainable.

Main stuff:

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up today after just over 2 years together.
She struggles with OCD and bad anxiety and was hospitalized for it as a teenager. She used to have nights of vomiting from anxiety (though that's mostly subsided in the last 6 months). I also have bad anxiety, but I tend to bottle things up while she externalizes.

Up until about 6 months to a year ago, our relationship was amazing—loving, fun, exciting. Since then, it's been a slow decline. The gist is that she's afraid of losing me. I try my best to reassure her and express my love, but she always seems to return to operating out of anxiety.

It's been a push-pull situation: she gets scared I'm losing interest, overcompensates to connect with me, and I pull away in reaction. This shows up in her double-texting me, texting "I love you" multiple times a day, saying she's been thinking about me all day, or staring into my eyes while we're hanging to the point where it makes me uncomfortable. She seems more obsessed with me the more I pull away from feeling smothered.

We haven't communicated well about this—we're both avoidant, though I'm usually the one to bring things up. There's so much unresolved tension now that it feels almost impossible to unpack. The few conversations we've had have been about symptoms rather than roots: "you get upset when I want to stay in alone" or "you hold onto me at parties and don't talk to anyone else." To her credit, she's very good about making changes and usually does what I ask.

This created a feedback loop in me: I'd feel guilty for not reciprocating, pull away out of avoidance, she'd reach for me more, and the cycle repeated.

Over the past 2 months, it reached a breaking point. It started when I brought up that she'd been snippy with me. She said it's a bad habit with people she's close to, due to work stress, and eventually cried, saying she was thankful I wasn't breaking up with her and was trying to work through things. I went into that conversation thinking it would be fine once we talked, but the next day I felt a wave of doom—like I suddenly realized our relationship was on the rocks. That sent me spiraling into introspection, with many sleepless nights and days where I was nearly vomiting from anxiety. We had multiple conversations where I said our anxiety issues were causing a rift, and that I wanted to work through it but was scared it wouldn't work out. She responded positively, though tearfully, and began addressing some of her clingy behaviors.

A couple days later, we were booking train tickets for a trip. It was stressful—last train, only two seats, and neither of our payments would go through. She started freaking out and tried to take the keyboard from me. I told her she was stressing me out. She apologized, we got the tickets, but she kept apologizing over and over the rest of the day. Every time I said it was okay, but the incessant apologizing stressed me out so much that I couldn't sleep last night and had to call out of work.

Today, I decided enough was enough and broke up with her. That brings us to now.
I'm heartbroken and unsure if I made the right decision. I love her so much and don't want to lose her, but I don't think I can keep enduring these sleepless nights and agonizing days. Did I make the wrong call? I don't know if I'm being stubborn and unwilling to change, or if this really is a breakup-type situation.

I've had a realization about myself recently, and I really want to change.

Since high school, I've almost always been in a relationship or talking to someone. Looking back, most of those relationships were unhealthy or emotionally exhausting. It's like I keep attracting—or choosing—the same type of emotionally unavailable people.

I think a big reason is that being alone genuinely scares me. The moment one relationship ends, I start looking for another connection. It's not that I fall in love easily; I just don't know how to be by myself.

I've started feeling like I'm chasing love instead of letting it happen naturally, and I hate that feeling. I don't want to be someone who constantly needs validation from a relationship.

The good thing is that I'm starting my master's soon, and I want this to be a fresh start. I want to focus on my education, my career, making friends, traveling, learning new things, and actually enjoying my own company. I don't want to keep repeating the same cycle of getting attached too quickly, ignoring red flags, getting hurt, healing, and then doing it all over again.

For people who used to be like this, how did you break the cycle?

How did you become comfortable being single? How did you stop craving romantic attention? What practical habits or mindset shifts helped you stop seeking love and start enjoying your own life?

I'm genuinely ready to change, and I'd love to hear advice from people who've been through something similar. I'm tired of the drama. I want peace.

Like the title says my gf of a year and a half and first ever irl relationship is showing strong signs that she wants to break up. I suffer from a lot of mental illness and I have severe attachment issues and I don’t know how I’m gonna react just seeing the signs I’m already getting extreme anxiety and depression. I’ve always had strong emotional reactions to everything and the last relationship I was in ~2yr online and she got a bc without telling me and I ended up in the hospital and that was two years ago and I still suffer from that anxiety and depression ect so does anyone have advice or experiences. I’m gonna be put on a antidepressant to hopefully numb me out and stabilize me because I’m terrified of my reaction

I'm genuinely curious and hoping for honest answers.

If you truly loved someone, chose to end the relationship, entered a rebound or another relationship, and then discovered your ex had blocked you everywhere...

• How did you feel when you realized there was no way to contact them anymore or orbit them ?
• Did it bring relief, sadness, regret, anxiety, guilt, or did you simply accept it?
• Did being blocked make it easier for you to detach or deactivate emotionally, or did it have the opposite effect?
• Did being blocked affect how you processed the breakup?
• Did it have no impact whatsoever?
• Looking back now, do you wish your ex had left the door open, or was being blocked actually better for both of you?

I'm genuinely interested in understanding the experience from the FA perspective what it's like when you realize the person they once loved has completely disappeared from their life.

Also mention if you had another relationship or not at that time.

I've seen people talking about deactivation as a process of feeling numb, dissociated, etc; or seeing a flaw in your partner and feeling an "ick" or going cold toward them. I have felt the latter, not so much the former.

I have noticed that I have found "reasons" to no longer like someone. But the experience is the opposite of numb or cold. It involves crying, feelings of catastrophic betrayal, the perception that this person is immoral or deceitful, never wanting to speak to them again, etc. It's an extremely painful thing to go through. It happened today, and I desperately, desperately wanted to be able to love Person X again. (I got better.)

For what it's worth, I also have PMDD, and am on my placebo BC pills now. It occurred to me that I might be overreacting simultaneously as I took my vitamins out of a desperate attempt to feel better.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Usually I never feel this, I went most of my life never having that desire to reach out to anyone from my past. Just seeing their social media was enough to satisfy that feeling. Yet the more I attend therapy, and as that emotional wall slowly fades away, that feeling becomes more prevalent.

It's a feeling I genuinely hate because I never wanted to be like my parents, being raised in an environment where they'd cycle between their toxic on and off again relationship; the fighting, the violence, the cops showing up and my father getting arrested or him leaving, then I'd be left with the mess to clean up. Only to have it end up happening a few months later after my mom begged for him to come back or he'd get released.

I honestly hardly ever resented my father for this, my anger went straight towards my mom while I felt indifferent towards my father.

Yet, when I lost friends from growing up because we'd move all the time, that was easier. I never saw them again, they were gone and that was it. It's like my brain looked at two different experiences and chose the one that was far more manageable. By the time I was 7, I was already used to losing people because of this. I did not have helpful coping skills, nor did I have anyone, so I just kept moving forward never looking back.

I never missed those people either because missing people was an emotional experience I was not allowed to have, you cannot be vulnerable in the type of environment I was raised in.

Yet now that feeling of missing someone, of seeking out connection, is slowly coming back to the surface and I hate that feeling. Because I know that I won't act on it because I don't think it's a good thing to dig up the past. Plus, it wouldn't be from a place of closure or taking accountability, I'd want more from it. But I know that feeling is a feeling I cannot have, so I just sit with this agonizing feeling and patiently wait for that wall to go back up.

I have been working on myself for a long time, but for the first time since I can remember I don’t want to do usual bull shit. Before I wouldn’t flirt with anyone unless there was no possibility it could actually turn into something. Well, I am in a me chapter right now, so there is no room for anyone else. However, I think I’m done with flirting until that changes. Everything has finally flipped. I have no interest in entertaining or wasting my energy or time on anything that can’t be something. My life is pretty stable right now. I have a lot I am working on though, so there is plenty to keep me busy, and I refuse to throw my focus with someone else’s bull shit or my own. And for me this is progress

I’ve (52m) been married to my wife (44f) 15 years, together 20. We have 1 child. We’ve been through previous individual traumatic relationships along with some of with our accumulated baggage. She’s been working on herself (therapy, support group) for several years while I’ve been in denial. We’re at roommate status now and she’s warned me that she won’t stick around much longer. Ive started therapy and just learned about disorganized attachment. It hit me hard and I feel a sense of hopelessness now as she is spending a lot of time with friends to avoid me. Is it possible to rebuild our marriage after i address my DA? Any stories or insights greatly appreciated.

Not so much a success story, more like an important milestone achieved...

In the context of a situationship that is not really progressing, I found that my way of coping with the anxiety -through self-analysis and exploration- led me to become quite fixated on understanding my attachment style, because I could never fully identify with any one category.

My main difficulties were: first, the issue of vulnerability. Overall, I am a very emotionally open person, and I share personal things. Second, the issue of fearing the person will leave is something I did not relate with AT ALL, I am never afraid someone will leave - when I sense something may be damaging the relationship I try to repair, but I don't fear anything. I'm also extremely not jealous.. for example I was in a one-sided open relationship for years in which only my partner dated other women, while I didn't because I am monogamous.. He had narcissistic traits, and I felt the least secure in my attachment with him, yet I was still not afraid that he would leave- even towards the end of the relationship, when he actually did. So on one side, anxiousness as described for AP doesn't resonate with me at all since it doesn't make me try to get close in AP ways, I usually either break up myself and I don't do classic protest behaviors, but on the other side I always considered myself to be totally fine with emotional intimacy and have no commitment problems and have been in a few long term relationships.

But yesterday, everything finally clicked.

I realized that the emotionally personal things I share are actually insights and thoughts that I have already processed, and some extremely personal shit about past trauma I never share and don't feel the need to. Sharing what I do share with a partner does not make me worry that they will drive him away. In fact, I cannot remember a single relationship in which I was truly vulnerable - including relationships with partners whom I believe may have been securely attached. Because I never sought emotional intimacy, I never truly challenged their capacity for it. I also understand that what I remembered as “my partners never needed anything from me” is not actually true. E.g., I've received complaints about not enjoying cuddling or physical intimacy in general when it is not sexual, and I largely dismissed it..

Yesterday, I realized that I am afraid of my own vulnerability. Whenever a partner broke up with me, I was admittedly devastated, but the moment I found a rebound relationship, everything went from one hundred to zero. I find myself wondering whether I ever loved any of them at all. I realized that the price of all of this has been shallow relationships. I want love, but I am afraid of was it requires for being formed.

And this thought still feels very raw to me. By that, I mean that I have not analyzed it to death and presented it to the world repeatedly inside my own head, which is what makes something feel safe and straps the vulnerable feeling or thought out of it's vulnerability, because it becomes authored, tailored to be told and presented in a way that hides any sign of fragility, need or weakness, and because, through inner rehearsal, I “know” how the person will react so control is always kept. I realized that my intellectualization, which I already know is one of my defense mechanisms toward myself, also protects me from real vulnerability with other people. So I left the thought alone. I told myself that I wanted it to remain raw and frightening, so that I could share it with this new guy which is so triggering to me in ways I've never encountered and even if nothing actually comes out of this situationship, it's allowing me to face my demons.

Then, I did a guided-imagery exercise with myself. I imagined telling him this vulnerable thought. As I mentioned, I did not go into the details of the thought itself, I only imagined the act of sharing it.

And while I was sitting completely alone in the living room of my own home, I began to panic.

I was panicking because, in my imagination, I was sharing something I had not processed. I started crying (for real), it was so fucking overwhelming to share this with him, I felt so exposed and scared and fragile and I had to gather my belongings and try to run out of his house (in my imagination). I tried to stay and imagined that he came over to hug me (I have a complex relationship with hugs lmao), but I could not hug him back. It was terrifying, because allowing myself to lean into the hug would mean giving up my final layer of protection.

And the moment I tried to imagine myself leaning into his embrace, I was flooded by a wave of terror - “He will run away from you. He will leave you.”

And there it was, the fear of abandonment I kept reading about.

It makes perfect sense that I would have this core wound since my father left when I was nine. But I had never consciously felt it before. And I realized that I had never experienced it because, as long as I do not reveal the parts of myself that make me afraid the other person will think I am too much, excessive, crazy, a burden, or anything along those lines, then even when someone leaves or breaks up with me, they are not truly leaving me.

They are leaving the mask - the version of myself in which I feel completely safe. No breakup ever touched my sense of self-worth or triggered shame in me, because no one had ever broken up with *me*.

This has seriously been my biggest breakthrough yet and I finally feel I have something substantial to work with instead of just wondering why I'm being so triggered..