It's been almost two weeks since you stopped touching me. In any way, not even a goodnight kiss, not even a hand touch. 
I don't understand what's happening, and I'm scared to ask because you always said, All is ok, I'm just like always. Or even worse, decide that I just want to make a fight with you. 
I've stopped telling about my feelings, like you wanted, and things get worse. 

Every time you walk by, I feel myself invisible.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'On the Lookout for Chickens'
📸 & 📚✏️
9:19am   [weds]   7/22/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Sugary cereal 

Mmmmm I woke up. And I forgot today was another school day…. Which was nice, I guess. I got to relax :) Until I remembered that it WAS a school day. But… I don’t feel completely within myself at the moment… so that didn’t cause too much disruption to my mood, actually. I kinda just kept it moving. Every time I’d glance at the clock, I’d remember, though. And I felt that it was strange that I COULDN’T remember what homework I was needing to do. I was trying to figure it out bc, yknow, if I attempt it here at home and I end up being able to do it, then I don’t need to go early at all. So I kept trying to remember what it was… bc I didn’t feel like moving, for one thing. But also if I could remember what it was, I could know if it was even worth trying at all. Eventually I get up and start looking through my math sheets. And whaddya know? I… have a take-home quiz… thats due today… I don’t even know if I know how to do it just by lookin’ at it. Idk. but… I guess we’re about to find out in a minute here, then.

(9:28am - Yeah. So. I can’t do any of it, actually. I guess,,,,,, I’ll just have to start making something to eat so I have fuel for school and getting ready. I’ll… probably start that by 10am. I need some peace, first. I hate this. I kinda wish I started a psych class alongside this one. It probably would’ve screwed me over in that it’d take time & energy away from stinky math, BUT I have a very strong feeling that being allowed to– no– REQUIRED TO nerd out would probably increase my quality of life. But its fine, I guess. Summer semester is almost through. I will be taking the original Delilah info sheet over to school to try to hole punch it. So it will live in a binder instead of a folder like Junk!Drawer! And the digitized entries of Journal number one. I saw some binders on the free things tables yesterday & day before that. Maybe they’re still there? Idk. probably not. We’ll see. ALSO!!!! When this entry is printed out, this will officially be the 211th page in the physical copy! Wowowow! Now we’re getting closer to my usual page count! I bet I could hit 300 before I start #14. Lookin’ forward to it.)

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Happy Collie!'
9:44pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Concoction of (turkey) sausage, noodles, sauce, veggies (that I refused to eat…) and chicken. Tasted good :) 
POPSCILES!!!!!!! TWO OF THEM OMG <3

Kinda just sitting and staring at the floor. I feel kinda disconnected rn as I wait for this therapy appointment I really don’t want to go to. I feel somewhat subdued. Again, a strange thing considering how stressed I usually feel. Idk. I do feel a bit sad, though rn. I miss SC. I wish someone loved me :( but I guess its okay. Well, not really. But its “okay” in that I’ll just have to deal with it. I wish I didn’t feel sad rn. But its probably my fault, anyway. I’m playing sad piano music rn :) its kinda hard to find new piano songs. Which sucks bc its my favorite instrument. But songs that tend to have sad pianos seem to hit the top of my favorite’s list, so I decided to start there. Idk if it was the best decision but some of these songs are nice, so, yknow.

9:51pm: Well now my chest is burning slightly as we inch our way closer to the start time. I guess I felt more okay bc we’ve already gotten me diagnosed so I don’t feel as much pressure to talk about trauma. Idk. 

9:54pm: my chest burns slightly hotter every time I glance at the clock. Kinda just picking more songs and spacing out. I feel numb. Probably so I don’t cry. I miss SC. And I still don’t want to go to therapy :I 

9:58pm: i was scrolling for more music and saw an asmr toy video instead. I will watch it with some music playing :) I like toy videos still. They’re fun to watch and fall asleep to.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I want to be worthwhile 
And
I want exist
Please tell me you love me
Please tell me I exist.
If I don’t hear it from you,
I’m not sure I’ll hear it at all.
Give me a reason to stay. - me :3
[close up image of a fluffy tabby cat sleeping very, very peacefully. Adorable.]
12:02am   [weds]   7/22/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Yummy juicy apple :) 
Mmmphm… 
Soooo we jumped right into the call and very quickly he brings up the diagnosis-es-stuff from my PTSD-cake day. I brought up my intention to get stuff submitted to the school.

“Am… am I going to be submitting the documentation I got from the PMHNP…?”

“Submitting the what to who now?”

“Ah, sorry about that… I meant, am I submitting that documentation in the format it is in to the school? I’m trying to get accommodations but I’m not sure this is what I’d be giving the school, is all.”

“Ah, gotcha. No, you won’t be submitting that. Usually they just want you to have a signed form that I or your psychiatrist fills out. Like, a form detailing how your conditions affect you and your academics. After that, you and the accessibility team will ultimately decide what accommodations you get. Email the care coordinator to get the form and send it over to me or psychiatrist to complete.”

Off to a great start! :) but then… we spend the next 10 to 15 minutes discussing the story of how I GHOSTED the student accessibility center five months ago. Mostly bc my initial explanation of the tale was not very clear. He thought I meant accessibility ghosted ME for five months and I was just now requesting they reach out to me again. Haha, nope! I was the one in the wrong here, therapy-guy :) not the other way ‘round. 

(jeez, can you imagine how terrible it’d feel to be ghosted by a bunch of people who were supposed to be helping you succeed in school when you have a serious mental health condition you’re fighting against? Omg I’d feel so bad about myself if that ever happened to me :I I hope that DOESN’T actually ever happen)

The yap fest didn’t really feel super productive. It felt more like a chat between friends. Which was nice, I guess :) But… I guess thats also not what I’m there for. So I was also not very pleased with the direction we were going, either.

Eventually we move on to other topics… 

“How are you feeling about the upcoming fall semester?”
“Not great… I’ll be taking on 11 credit hours” (remember, i dropped a class!)
“Yeah… sounds like a lot…”
“Yeah, for sure… My grades will be bad soon probably :(“
What makes you say that? Are you falling behind or anything?
“Falling behind ‘cause I can’t pay attention much :( I head to tutorials pretty often to make up for it. But my brain feels like mush a lot, so, y’know… I have to go to school early to get to tutorials and I hate it.”
“I see… so, kinda walk me through what you do when you start to feel your brain ‘turning to mush’ while you’re in math tutorials?”
“Ah… at that point, I just get up and leave cause theres no point in sticking around anymore…” 
“How much work do you get done during those times?”
“It depends, I guess. Mostly on weather or not I end up actually knowing how to do the math. But… yeah, its hard to say…”
[...]
“Is it just this math that does this? Makes your brain feel all mushy?”
“No, its always been this way with math”
[...]
“Do you think you could pass the class if you put in effort for the rest of summer semester?”
“I… think its a possibility but not likely… just looking at the test review packets is daunting…”
[...]
“What would need to change for you to pass?”
“To be able to focus… but thats not realistic :(“
[...]
[...Don’t recall what he said…]
“Yeah, the dilemma is I need to leave the tutorials bc my brain is mushy, but by leaving tutorials, I lose time to do homework.”
[...]
“Yeah… Just today I had four homeworks. I had two worksheets. I didn’t do one at all and I only got through about half of the other. And I copied down some of the lengthy textbook homework answers before class.”
“Whoa, that's a lot of homeworks.. Could be helpful to take small breaks… give yourself a good short reset break”

Which then led us to discussing something called the “Pomodoro technique”?? - The general overview for it was, basically, when you’re doing a task that feels like juuuust a bit too much, put on a 25 min timer where you’re doing focused work. When that goes off, give yourself a 5 min break. Rinse, and repeat. He also advised that you don’t have your break in your work area or get started on anything that will suck your attention for longer than your break. So, that means it would be very ill-advised for me to do any writing at that time. I did consider this to be really good advice, actually. If my WEAK memory holds up, I’ll try to remember to use it :) 
[Then he started rambling about the technique… kinda annoying but I am the one who showed up with nothing, so…]
[...]

“Wanted to ask… what are you wanting to get out of therapy? Were to looking to discuss…

Trauma? - Eventually, I guess…But idk. Not yet….

ARFID? - Um. Well, I’m not completely opposed to that. MHPNP-lady said we could do exposure therapy. But we are over the phone, so…
“Yeah… I think a better option is in-person care for that. They could get you seeing an occupational therapist who can do food challenges with you and things of that nature.”
My eyes LIGHT UP when he said “food challenges” bc it sounded like a GAME and I LOVE games :) Although.. I figure that it probably isn’t really a gamified experience. It’s probably just real nervewreaking work for real life.
“But I do understand the barriers like finances and transportation, so..”
“Yeah :/”

Anxiety? -
“Um. I guess… that’d probably be the easiest out of the three to discuss.”
“Alright :) Anything making you feel anxious recently?” 
“School, mostly. Um… I’m sure there’s more than that. Its just,,,,,,,,
hard to remember much else at the moment. Lots of dread around school for sure, though…”

“Hmmm… any reason why you think you have so much dread surrounding school?” “ah… Idk.. I guess just knowing I have to go early and not knowing if I’ll end up wasting time bc I ended up knowing how to do it, or how I won’t know if I’ll feel exhausted come class time and I can’t focus…” 
“So, I guess a pattern of anxiety about anticipating what school will be like each day, huh”
“I guess, yeah.”

Suddenly, as I was taking notes about what we were talking about, I remembered dad’s quest to be rid of me. 

“Ah… there is one thing, though, now that we have my mind on school again… My dad’s been wanting to send me to live on campus at the college I’ll be transferring to soon.”
“I see… and is that making you feel anxious?”
“Yes, definitely…”
“And why is that?”
“Living on campus means being around strangers and being on my own :(“
“Yeah, thats fair. You’d be dealing with a lot of new things, huh? Why do you think your father is bringing these sorts of things up?”
“He thinks I want to be living off them forever. And I definitely don’t. …He also likes to say ‘his 5 yr plan does not include his children’.”
“Hows it make you feel?”
“...Like he doesn’t want me :(“
“Yeah, I can see that.”
[...]
“Do you ever want to live on your own? Or are you just saying that bc you're afraid of [don’t remember what was said… something about being afraid of failing school or something???]”
“Eh… I mean, I don’t necessarily want to live ‘alone-alone’. But I definitely don’t want to live with them.”

[he starts talking about Flight or flight responses. No memory of what was said. He did offer to discuss strategies to deal with this problem next visit, though]

He advised me to keep track of triggers and anything else I’d like to discuss. Which inspired me to write abt how much I hate parents :) 

THE SESSION HAS ENDED NOW
How do I feel?:

 Okay. so I feel horrible rn. Like I wasted his time. Perhaps I was right when my gut told me not to listen to joey. I should’ve given him some entries to work with… its okay, though. I will not make the same mistake again. To redeem myself for wasting his time, I will write and write and write some more :) 
I still feel bad, though. In general. I wish someone liked me… I miss SC still. I still wish she was my mom. Even tho I think she’d be a really ANNOYING MOM I think she’d be a better one. A better mom and dad, I figure. I miss her :( 
I had no idea time was even passing as I procrastinated making this entry. I must really be out of it.

CARE PLAN

 Hi Delilah, Thank you for following up and continuing to share openly about the anxiety and stress you have been experiencing as you navigate college. I appreciate your willingness to discuss the challenges you have faced with academic demands, worries about the future, and the ways anxiety has been impacting your concentration, motivation, and confidence. Today we explored how anxiety and trauma can affect the brain, including the fight-or-flight response, and how these patterns can contribute to feeling overwhelmed, procrastinating, avoiding difficult situations, and expecting the worst about future responsibilities. We discussed the stress you have been experiencing related to your current math course and concerns about future math classes, as well as the self-critical thoughts and dread that have made it more difficult to begin and complete academic work. 

We also talked about your father's encouragement to consider moving into on-campus housing and how fears about unfamiliar people, new environments, and uncertainty have led you to avoid thinking about this transition. You shared that you recently met with your psychiatrist and are moving forward with applying for academic accommodations, while choosing to focus your treatment on managing your current anxiety before addressing your trauma history or food-related concerns. 

We discussed the following wellness plan:
 Practice use of the Pomodoro technique
 …to improve focus, reduce procrastination, and make academic tasks feel more manageable by working in structured intervals with planned breaks. 

Grounding skills
 …Can be helpful when anxiety becomes overwhelming or you notice yourself feeling stuck in worries about the future. Practicing techniques such as the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise can help bring your attention back to the present moment.

Mindfulness techniques
…Can help you notice anxious thoughts without becoming overwhelmed by them, increase awareness of self-critical thinking, and strengthen your ability to respond with greater self-compassion. [service] also offers mindfulness exercises through the Explore tab. Continue working with your psychiatrist and your school's accessibility/disability services office to complete the process of obtaining academic accommodations to support attention, concentration, and anxiety-related challenges. 

When academic tasks feel overwhelming, try breaking larger assignments into smaller, achievable steps and acknowledge progress rather than focusing only on what remains unfinished. Practicing realistic expectations can help reduce anxiety and build confidence over time. Continue prioritizing consistent sleep, hydration, regular nourishment, movement, and scheduled breaks throughout the day, as these habits can improve both concentration and emotional wellbeing.

Although our current focus is on managing academic anxiety, continue monitoring your eating habits and overall health. If concerns related to food avoidance, appetite, or weight become more difficult to manage, we can revisit these concerns together and coordinate additional support with your medical providers. 

Use [on demand mental health support services] or crisis support if emotional distress becomes difficult to manage in the moment or if safety concerns arise. Continue therapy to strengthen coping skills, reduce avoidance, increase tolerance of uncertainty, improve anxiety management, and build readiness to address trauma-related concerns when you feel prepared. 

I should probably try to go to sleep now. Its beyond time for that.

Whenever I try to think back to my childhood its hard for me to remember any of the good things that took place, its hard for me to remember any of it all. Most of my childhood was built around routines: go to school, do homework, clean the house, and go to church 5/7 days of the week. I was never allowed to hang out with my friends after school or have sleepovers. I remember hating summer because it just meant I'd be trapped in my personal hell. I think I gained consciousness when I was 8 years old, this is when I began to truly dislike my life. I was so young yet I understood what it felt like to feel so full of anger, sadness, empathy, and resentment. Throughout my childhood my mom would constantly come to my sister and I for advice about her struggles and battles, we were only kids. At the time I thought I was being a good daughter by acting as a therapist, but in reality it only caused problems for me in the future. I was raised as a fully-functioning adult yet simultaneously treated like a child. My sister and I often joke about how fully aware we were at such a young age and how it has made us hyper independent today, truth is it really should've never been that way. I was forced to give up my child like tendencies to fit this young adult mold that was not meant for me. Every time I reflect about this topic I realize how cognizant I was of my surroundings. I was trying to solve others problems before I could even create my own, overcompensating for others feelings before I could understand my own, and trying to be this adult that I never was.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
📸 & 📚✏️
3:59pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Sweet banana… it was hard not to spit it out… very hard to eat… very yucky :( (7/20/26)
Sugary cereal (7/20/26)
Very nice, juicy, sweet Apple!!!!!!!!!!!
PIZZA!!!!!!!! :D
Fake doritos!

OKAY. I am at school rn :3 I went to tutorials! I once again discovered that I ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO FACTORING. Omfg I feel so stupid sometimes… apparently the factoring that I “couldn’t do” yesterday was factor by grouping. Which is dumb bc factoring by grouping is literally AC method just skipping to the GCF step. So… in other words… I already knew how to do it… and didn’t need to spend any additional energy on it… :I I was already IRRITATED before making this discovery, though. Bc when I came in, a new person was working with a classmate and spotted me and offered to assist me with my math. I didn’t want her help bc I saw one of my two usual tutors at a far-away table. But for some reason, (bc you’re a doormat and don’t ever speak up for yourself? Is that the reason?) I just smiled and nodded. Ofc I first hole punched the most recently printed entries for JunkDrawer first :) Then I sat down and she came to help. I was so annoyed that I had let this unfamiliar person help me that I was annoyed at her for talking if she went on about something just a little bit too long. 

Which is kinda sad bc it wasn’t even that serious or her fault but I guess thats my brain for ya :/ The angerier I got, the more I felt my energy drain… but mostly I was able to push through. Bc, once she helped me figure that I already knew how to do factoring by grouping, I was pretty much good to go. I was able to complete about 8 problems on my own. I probably would’ve been able to do more if I wasn’t ruminating :/ 

But whatever. I was reaching the end of my tether, though… And once I started hitting more road blocks (numbers I don’t know the factors of bc they’re too big, not remembering how to factor the “differences of squares” problems correctly), my energy drained more and more… so I kinda just… stopped… :I and then I started packing up without saying a word to anyone else. She had been bouncing from me and classmate so she turns around and sees me packing up.
“Want me to look it over? :)”
“...eh…” I really didn’t want her to… bc I was EXHAUSTED and sure that, by letting her look things over she’d start trying to HELP me again… but I couldn’t get myself to say no… so instead, I said, ”I  guess……. ”

She came by and I asked about the “differences of squares” problems and luckily she didn’t linger on that too long… bc otherwise I’m not sure what would’ve happened to my already mushy brain. I can tell you whats gonna happen to my grade, tho… I’m… gonna get an ‘F’ for three homeworks. Thats whats going to happen. I barely have the energy to type this out rn. I don’t know if I have the energy to copy ALLLL the answers to all three sheets. Idk. I think we taking the L on this one, guys. 

Oh, almost forgot to mention. When my energy levels were still mostly stable, I decided a nice quick trip to the student accessibility office would be a nice opportunity to take a breather. So I got up out of my seat, and made my way across the building to the office. One lady sat alone in a chair, typing on her computer. So I walked up to her and explained my issue. …and yeah… apparently ghosting the accommodation office five months ago did have consequences… whoops. My theory was correct, my original request that I never followed up on was the problem.

So she said she’d go ahead and email them to contact me again. Embarrassing moment for me but, hey, it happens I guess… oh, and it was not a great feeling realizing therapy appointment and the day the student accessibility office is open were one in the same…. ‘Cause my documentation confusion is still an issue. But its fine. They need to contact me again, anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. 

Morning before arriving at school: 
I tried to make spaghetti for breakfast again today. But instead of doing the regular, smart person thing to do, I decided to leave the boiling water unattended. I wasn’t completely brainless, though, don’t worry! I put on a seven minute timer before I left so I wouldn’t forget it was there. I came back in the kitchen early for reasons I don’t recall but good thing I did! Bc right as I cross into the kitchen, I smell the distinct scent of something BURNING.

And I have no idea what was actually wrong. Bc the handle of the pot was HOT which is unusual. And when I took the pot off the eye and turned it off, the eye was still RED. and I believe I saw a tiny little spark forming on it, too… :I so I removed it and tried it again on the eye to the right. And very quickly the pot was BURNING UP AGAIN. In fact, there were tiny burn marks on the bottom of it. So no more of that… I don’t know if its me, the stovetop, or what. I’m sure it definitely comes down to user error bc I’m incompetent as hell, but at the same time, this pot always seems to have something going on whenever I try to cook it. Idk. its probably just me. Luckily I remembered we had pizza! So I was able to make that :) yay! No starvation! 

[///tw for poem below implying sui thoughts]

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

I have been trapped in this mind
For what feels like centuries. 
I wonder each and every day
If there will ever be a release
Or if my shackles 
Will only grow tighter.
If the only way to loosen their grip 
Is to be six feet under
Under the many layers of earth.
I wonder
If under the dirt and pavement we all walk on,
If the key I seek to loosen my shackles 
Is hidden.
Is finding that key,
That key buried deep below our feet,
the only way
I will find my escape
From this prison sentence
That has been unjustly imposed? - me :3
[cat silhouette illuminated by the sunset. Its dark enough that we can only kind of make out the features of kitty’s face as it stares out the window. Very beautiful]
📸 - 3:53pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Goldfish! 2x

Yup. still screwed. I can’t even get myself to pay attention to the lesson for more than 5 minutes consecutively. I can get myself to tune in, but it doesn’t take long before I start tuning back out. In fact, it takes less time to tune OUT than it does to tune back IN. so, yeah. Idk… just ruminating n’ stuff again I guess… idk. But, yeah. I feel fried again. But I… can’t really transfer that urgency I keep feeling when I come back to reality into action. Thats just fantastic. As I sat in that chair in class earlier, I just kept wishing I was anywhere else but there. And kept worrying about the possibility of there being a pop quiz… which would be BAD if that wasn’t clear :)

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Chi’s sweet adventure season one episode 25 –  Chi Makes New Friends
“Yeah, Chi’s doing great.”
“Good for you.”
“Yeah, good for Chi!”
4:34pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothin’ :3

OMGGGGG amazing news!!!!!!!!!! Apparently Cecil got hired!!!! YAY I’M SO HAPPY FOR THEM :D !!! know who wasn’t happy for them, though?? Mom and dad :I Cecil called and told ‘em all about it and instead of being met with cheers and applause, mom and dad were like, “eh… that doesn’t sound like a lot of money…” and, “hmmm… are we sure this isn’t a ponzi scheme?” wow :/ thats would genuinely piss me off if I were Cecil. Like,,,,, thats how you’re going to respond to me getting my first ever job? 😭 idk, I’d just be so IRRIATED that after they bugged me about getting a job and becoming employed and threatening to kick me out if I DIDN’T, they couldn’t even pretend to be happy about it.

They’re really weird. Apparently dad thinks it could be a scheme bc its a small company. I hope its not a scheme. But Cecil seems to think its alright so here’s to hoping theres nothing to be concerned about :) the job is in the sales department! Basically, you try to sell kitchen products. But apparently you also might go directly to customer’s homes to, like, demonstrate products I guess??? And I commend Cecil on their bravery!!! I’d drop that job in a heartbeat if I had to go to people’s homes… what if the customers were dangerous? I’m very excited for them tho omg!!! Hopefully I end up getting selected for work study :) I have to try to remember to sign up before the end of the day, tho. I think there might just be a deadline, sooooooooo. Idk when. But yeah! Hopefully they select me as a candidate next semester. Otherwise I,,,,
I think I may succumb to boredom & ARFID all at the same time >.>

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - Please Mr. Persian, Why Don't You Go and Get a Shave?
6:18pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothin’ :3

All day I’ve successfully blocked out the fact that I have a therapy appointment today :I well. Its come up in my memory like, three times, but point still stands. Which is a nice change of pace, honestly. Usually I can’t get myself to stop worrying about it and my body starts burning, so y’know. But… yah,,, I don’t feel great about this. Not at all. I REALLY DON’T WANT to put myself through it anymore. It genuinely feels like a waste of time… I still feel like I need to come prepared with something. Idk. I think… my plan for tonight is I’ll just let it ride out however its going to happen and then I guess if it becomes too awkward, I’ll find an entry or two I guess. Idk :( but I don’t want to go back. I’d really rather my problems just be less bad on their own, really. 

Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbonus time :D 

Timeline: 

Journal #4

7:39pm   [weds]    12/18/24
I’m 16 years of age at the moment but only legally ofc! I just finished writing in Sunny scribbles a little bit ago! I definitely want it to be a tradition to do QnA’s at some point in the diary! I don’t have that exactly buuuut I do have some facts about me!

• I have never liked my hair out of twists b/c I feel ugly! Like a pony tail with my hair natural for example. I didn’t like looking in the mirror then but I like looking in the mirror more now :) Because my hair is always in twists w pretty beads!
• I am easily swayed by the opinions of others :( It annoys me. But I don’t know how to turn it off. I also seem to internalize everything, Hyperbole but yknow.
• I am a coward and afraid of the world! Some examples include…

> I am very afraid of eating something past its expiration date… well, less afraid nowadays, but still.

> Rejection is terrifying for some reason! Try hard to avoid it.

> Swimming. Crazy bc by not learning to swim I will probably increase my chance of death.

> Dead bugs (afraid they will reanimate) and living bugs, harmless or not

> Shopping online somewhere other than amazon! Afraid my card info will be stolen cause of dad’s warnings

> Yelling, anger directed at me.

> Leftover food bc [I watched a video where] someone ate [leftover food], got extremely sick, and had to amputate a leg.
> Dogs. They will probably maul me.

> Being lonely

> Failure

> DEATH!!!!!!!!!

> Pain. Try hard to avoid this!

> [things very explicitly related to traumatic events]

• I am quite impulsive at times! Like sometimes I say things w/o thinking (I tend to describe that as “something falling out of my mouth”) or decide to do something spontaneously 
• I’m all neurotic and stuff! Worry prone and all that stuff. Won’t it be interesting to see how different you were years ago? Well… I hope we change, anyway.
• I LOVE having frends! Had to mention it bc it is a recent development and all. I socialize most of the day instead of doing skool work! They’re a huge influence on my mood and well-being :) 
• I wear the same set of clothes every week! Its a routine, not a necessity. I only just changed the order [in which I wear them] this week actually!
• I’m late to chem class everyday bc I’m talking w/ SC! And late to math… and spanish… okay, you get the point. I feel afraid of breaking the routine of not showing up on time so I avoid going to class on time to avoid feeling weird.
• My favorite ways to stim are verbal and the one where you do stuff with your hands a bunch! Hence the fidget toys I have in my room. My fave verbal stims are singing/screeching and “happy hi, Chip! Happy hi, Nico!” from chip and potato.

Okay! Thats probably all for now. Hope that helps you remember yourself just a little bit more! 

Winter break - ‘lilah fact sheet!

7:15pm    [mon]    12/30/24

Guess what, me?! I was able to think of more facts about myself to write about! Hurray! It was kinda hard but I’m impressed with myself! 

Stuffffffffff:

• One super power I wish I had is the ability to mimic any noise! I was watching parrots earlier and I’m actually quite jealous of their mimicking skills… I’d definitely mostly be using that for stimming, though. Like, I’d probably mimic parrot noises and their loud contact calls or car keys or those lovely sounds robots make when they boot up! I’d have so many sounds I’d like making I’d probably never shut up! 
• Soooo sometimes I lose my appetite and I wish I didn’t have to eat bc its an inconvenience. Heck, even when I do have an appetite, I feel that way! Wish I could turn off bodies needing food to survive but thats probably never gonna happen in my life time, so.

What are some things that make me happy?

• I love watching cats clean themselves! I watch Layla whenever she does and it makes me feel sleepy and relaxed for some reason! Still does. I recently remembered brushing cats encourages grooming and it definitely works on Layla! I used to try to tickle her on an area she couldn’t see me doing it in to trick her into grooming herself but yah! I just use the brush now and she starts cleaning herself shortly after.
• Bluey! Best Slice of Life show ever! Bet you could’ve easily seen this one coming, yeah.
• Nostalgia! Is like this wonderful feeling I just can’t describe… odd bc our childhood has to top the charts for being one of the most boring ones in the world… so whats there to be excited about?
• I really enjoy those Taba squishy videos! Especially with those big cat squishies! They don’t look like the material I’d like to squish personally, but I love seeing their cute designs! Their eyes are the best part! I also love when they like, wiggle the cats and they move like little sausages!
• Sugar! Ice cream! Candy!
• Doing cheeky things! Bonus if those things are done with frends
• Frends! 
• Napping! Sometime I wish my body didn’t make it harder to sleep on time after napping… If it didn’t I’d probably go to sleep in class or as soon as I got home. Y'know, I’ve actually noticed that I tend to get sleepy around 2-3pm… thats weird!

What makes me unhappy?

• When I sit around so much my bones start to hurt… Cause then that makes it harder to continue sitting around! Which is what I do all day but I do it in bed all day on school breaks like this!
• Excessive scrolling bc at some point, it just gets boring :(! But i don’t always feel like looking for a separate source of entertainment… so I keep doing it but its friggin’ boring! Kinda a loop of boredom…
• Not being able to always eat what I want :( soooo [when I move out one day], I’ll probably stock my fridge with pizza and the viola pasta or a similar product and lasagna! Among other things like ice cream and fruit ofc! And that’ll probably be it!
• Thinking of having to do adulting things bc i’m not very smart and I’ve got no life skills. so I think my life will be hard…
• Feeling lonely! Its like this weird half sad half numb feeling I can’t shake when I get that way. Its pretty weird and I really hate it! Makes me 10/10 unhappy!
• Almost failing school several times and being ridiculed for it or called lazy… :(
• Feeling hungry… ESPICALLY if I don’t have an appetite bc then my body will escalate to headaches and nausea to get me to eat! I’m pretty good at ignoring cues otherwise. 
• Anxiety! Pretty good at feeling this way though. So that sucks.
• Loud noises like crowds, clapping, or vacuum cleaners! Recently those things have been bothering me a bit more often so I cover my ears now! They’re unpleasant to listen to now.
• Being a bad cook! It makes me want to cry bc I feel extremely stupid and guilty for wasting food. Makes me feel like I’m ruining everything! Luckily I usually cook [decently enough] so thats good.

This is a bad idea, in fact I wrote dairy first and realized that was not the right spelling for diary. Let’s just say autocorrect and grammar edits help me tremendously. In fact I often use AI at work to proofread my writing and organize my thoughts. Actually this is my first post and I do so to remain anonymous. But maybe someone reads it and follows it. Hopefully it is something that others can relate to. But I want it to be my way of being more intentional what what I am thinking and doing. I suppose a bit like therapy.

Pause, I swore my dishwasher was leaking water it sounded like it was dripping but false alarm. Man almost turned into a late night repair session. Which I must an admit I am usually somewhat handy.

But back to this my first post. And my rationale for writing. I want to journal who I am. If not for others to interact with at the very least my internal way to release and reflect on who I am unfiltered. From work to personal I want to reflect and tell my story.

So who I am. When you get my age, I will be 41 this year, it is easy to describe who I am by roles I fill. I am a married father of two girls, one in middle school and one in elementary. Next year both will be at the middle school, finally one less newsletter to read!

Professionally I am a in education as a building leader or school admin. I have been in education since college. It is a great career and I have been in the same district for quite some time now.

Personally I have recently over the last 2.5 years have focused on eating better and working out. I have lost 85 pounds and gained a lot of muscle. No this is not about my health journey. I am still in love with food and save room for ice cream multiple days a week. But I am certain my health or insecurity about being overweight will come into play.

I am successful, my wife is successful. We live in a typical suburban neighborhood with an HOA, where we try to have the best lawn with lines. We have limited revolving debt and meek a small sub if money in savings. Keep a modest lifestyle but do and buy the things we want. We try to save when we can. But also will spontaneously buy something if it is a good idea. We have student loan debts and a truck and golf cart payment. We enjoy camping in our camper or going to our neighborhood pool in the summer. The kids are activities that keep us busy a couple of nights a week.

I feel like I am a good father. My marriage is good we have been together half of lives. My in-laws are great my father passed away last year, which will likely come up later in details around his journey with cancer. My mother lives in the same town and sister, husband and niece are out of state. We have a dog less than 2 years kid. She is great, really smart. She is a medium size dog.

I also use nicotine pouches regularly and smoke weed regularly. If I could afford it, I would do it every night. When I stop it is a good tolerance break but really I stop because I run out. My wife will ask me if I have to replace it, so I take a break until the next weekend or next event, like friends birthday or golfing outing.

I used creatine daily if I can. I think it helps with brain fog. It is my way of relaxing at home but being ready and professional for work. Sometimes living in those two worlds can be a roller coaster. Sometimes I smoke too much weed in a week night and feel groggy the next day.

It my goal is to talk about me and what goes on and what went on and just be able to journal my thoughts. It is late I got one kid in my bed, my wife is away traveling for work. And I should get up early and work out but I will probably sleep in and enjoy the slower summer schedule while I can.

For now, good bye!

(grammar is probably bad idc i just need to get this out)

I just recently ended an online friendship I've had since I was a teenager. We were super close; however, I had recently caught feelings for them, and they ended up reciprocating (lucky me), and we dated for a year. I know a lot of people say don't keep in contact with your ex, and now I understand why. I really did try to make this work; I didn't want to lose them, and I still wanted to hang out and enjoy their company platonically. It was a mutual agreement that being friends would work.

However there was a lot of resentment from the relationship and unresolved issues we never dealt with, that became the downfall of our friendship. That, plus the unnecessary comments and treatment they were giving me that I had begun to notice. It just slowly bubbled over to where I couldn't deal with it anymore.

When the confrontation happened, it was really messy, and I was firm in my decision not to want to be friends anymore. Of course I was upset; I had just lost my best friend. They were the person I texted/spent my time with the most, but after breaking off our friendship, I noticed how I was so used to having someone so close within reach. Ever since I was a kid, I had online friends, which had obviously dwindled as I got older, but it's a very uncomfortable feeling. I don't know what to do; I love telling people about everything, from work stuff/my thoughts, random shit, etc. So not being able to do that is honestly rlly frustrating. I'm trying to distract myself and just indulge in my hobbies, spend time with my in-person friends/family, go to work, etc. But I just can't help but notice the empty void I'm feeling????

This friendship-breakup shit is still very fresh, so my feelings about this whole ordeal could vary within a few weeks. Sometimes I think maybe I made the wrong decision and I was just being dramatic or something, but half the time I'm just thinking of the good memories and not the actual issues we came across. It's not the end of the world, and I'll be able to make some new friends eventually.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
12:36pm   [mon]   7/20/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothin’ :3
[///sui ideation mentioned]
Just got out of math tutorials! And whaddya know… It turns out I definitely COULD do the math. I have no idea what was tripping me up so badly when i was working on my own??? I… i don’t even know… I guess there were a couple hiccups here and there with some of my attempts, but overall, everything was fine. Kinda annoying, ngl. Why’d I come to school early then??? :/ but whatever. All that matters is that I can do it. What I COULDN’T do, though, was factor differences of squares. Which was fine bc I knew I had no idea how to do that and came prepared to ask how. It was easier than I thought! I’m definitely gonna need more practice to fully remember the steps, but I think I’ve got it for the most part :) thank goodness school didn’t have a dreadful start! Its a bit annoying that I have to now finish up three separate homeworks bc I couldn’t do it over the weekend, but its fine… worst comes to worst, I’ll just finish the one actual worksheet and then just copy down all the answers for the lengthy textbook homeworks. Theres just not enough time or energy for me to complete all of it in this time frame. (or willingness, actually lol) anyway… enough about stupid school :) 

I got Cecil an interview! >:) a while ago when dad handed me some mail, there was a job opportunity in it for recent grads! Yay! Cool! Except it was customer sales… no thank you. But! I figured Cecil might like a chance to land a job! So I handed it off to them and they agreed to give it a shot even though they weren’t a 2026 grad. We got word back yesterday that apparently they landed an interview! It's taking place in [town 30 minutes away]! Unfortunately it's taking place during school hours… so… getting home might take a while or be by bus? (when Cecil called dad to ask about how I’d get home, he said by bus or Uber probably and I just up and walked away bc I’m not interested in that conversation :I) idk.. But!! Thats great! Cecil will stop being bugged by mom & dad, they’ll be able to help us stop starving, and they’ll have more things to do than bed rot! Hopefully we can team up if I get workstudy! Fingers crossed! 

Oh… and speaking of Cecil… apparently family is concerned they’re going to kill themselves?? I don’t know what sparked that on. But its good people are paying attention. Apparently grandma called them out of concern and Cecil described the phone call as “slightly annoying” so idk how helpful that was but y'know. I hope that Cecil wouldn’t end up doing that… but it wouldn’t surprise me. They are really, really good at bottling things up. So… :( I hope they try to force them back into therapy or something. It did, however, annoy me… not Cecil and their situation. Just everyone else. How come I’m the kid thats always “okay”??? Kinda just goes to show how little my parents pay attention. Bc if they knew anything about me, I highly doubt they’d think I’m fine. But oh well. I guess it doesn’t really matter rn. 

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Kits and Cats'
3:59pm   [mon]   7/20/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
APPLE :]
Sugar cereal
Bbq chips

Okay, sooooo we just received our test review packets for BIG SCARY EXIT EXAM one and two. And I took one look at one of them. …and then immediately pushed it aside bc I could just TELL AT A GLANCE THAT I’M COOKED. So I picked up the other one and it looked… bad… but less bad… honestly, if I had to guess, the packet’s LENGTH ALONE is probably just overwhelming me and thus scrambling my brain more than it should be. But… anyway, yeah, I was already not feeling great bc I couldn’t do what prof was doing on the board… (more factoring, btw) and I just skipped chunks of the packets that I felt like I couldn’t do. And each time I’d hit something that I felt I didn’t know how to do, or that I did wrong… all I could do is just LAUGH.

I feel SO COOKED that I can’t even bring myself to cry or shut down at this point. All I can do is laugh at my inevitable DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. The first test is in seven days. Which also just so happens to coincide with the last day to drop the class btw </3 I.. I think I have a better grasp on concepts for this upcoming test based on the review, but the one after?????? OMG. I’m friggin cooked. Fried beyond measure. LIKE WOW am I screwed. 500 bucks down the drain. I don’t think I have enough time and/or energy to regain or relearn ALLL THE skills before the test. I’mmmmmmmmmmm cooked… gonna have a big ol’ F on my transcript!!!!!!!!!!! And as I type this I can’t stop smiling!! Idk why. But I give it an hour or two before reality hits and my brain short circuits. I’ll keep you posted :))))))))))))

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

“There is so much I want to tell you
And one day
I’ll tell you all about it”
🍒 - 8:51pm   [sat]   7/18/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[LITTERALLY cannot bring myself to post the events from this entry at this time. So that will explain why this feels like over half the entry is missing. Bc it is :)] 
So… yeah, that's been a roller coaster for my brain today… It feels JUMBLED and I feel SHAKEY. Just. Like. Wow. What a day, huh? aside from that,, I received an email today that made me very grateful I pushed myself to get my diagnosis-es when I did. It took four friggin months! Can you imagine if I stalled and then got an email like this? My goodness. I genuinely don't know what I'd do… :I probably cry. Yeah, I probably would've started there. 

Hi,

Because you've used our services in the past, we would like to inform you about upcoming changes. Effective 08/15/2026, [your school] will continue to provide [on demand mental health services] and Scheduled Counseling through [service]. However, Psychiatry and Medical Services will no longer be available.

To help you prepare, we recommend the following steps:

Rescheduled Appointments: If you have an appointment scheduled for services ending, please reschedule it to ensure it takes place before the termination date.
Download Your Health Records: You can access and download your health records if needed. These records will be necessary for future providers and services.
Coordinate Your Medication: Work with your providers to secure any needed refills or prescriptions before the service ends.
Contact Your School for Additional Resources: Explore your campus counseling and health services resources.
Reach Out to Us for Assistance: If you need help coordinating care or finding alternative providers, programs, or services, please call us at [...] We are here to support you.
We will notify you immediately of any changes to our service availability.  We are grateful for the trust you've placed in us for your health and well-being.

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Do what you want, do what you want
I cannot stop you
For I am nothing more than a pet
A pet with no power
A pet who’s only connection to you is the filthy collar you’ve clasped around my neck
Before I was strong enough to stop you
But know that your actions have consequences
And should a dangerous predator
Come to find your defenseless pet out at night 
the blood will be on your hands
You will look down at your bloody hands
And only be able to blame yourselves - me :3
[image of cat looking off to the distance. The sun shines on the cat’s face]
 11:45am   [sun]   7/19/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Alright. So. dad called me into his room and told me I needed to “shift my focus to [college location I’m set to transfer to but the furthest campus from home]”. Which didn’t really make sense to me initially but he meant my transfer I think? He said he wants me to be independent of them bc they don’t want me staying forever. So I let him know that that's not what I want??? Bc… I think he already knows this… but I DON’T EVEN LIKE HIM. WHY THE HECK WOULD I WANT TO STAY IN HIS HOUSE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, ARE YOU SERIOUS? IF I WASN’T SO TERRIFIED OF HAVING MORE INSTABILITY AND UNCERTAINTY IN MY LIFE ON TOP OF MY UNTREATED MENTAL HEALTH CONDITIONS, I’D BE GONE ALREADY. Ofc, I didn’t say that though. He was like, “with the mindset you have, you’re going to be up under us forever. And I don't want that.” and I was like, “no I’m not???” 

Clearly that ONE CONVERSATION where I said I was gonna stay at home ‘till I was 30 when I was, like, 16 or 17 had a long lasting, detrimental effect. It really just drives home the theory I already had about how nothing I say matters to him unless it actually affects him… Like, I know that I’ve mentioned things to him before. Like, about goals or reasons why I do certain things. And yet it never seems to stick with him… but this ONE CONVERSATION that took place years ago never left his head. Bc it affected HIM. and THATS when it matters. Not when its about me and it’d be interesting to get to know my short-term goals or anything else for that matter. Nope. 

“Well, I’m trying to give you the opportunity to go off on your own. Why aren't you taking it??”
 “I don’t want to…” (Translation: I CAN’T leave yet. I just can’t.)
 “Well, I’ve already made the decision, so :I” 

So… yeah… I guess I’m cooked. I wonder if trying to get me on a full load of classes was part of a ploy to be rid of me quicker? Idk. but alright… I guess if they want to be rid of me so badly, as I’ve said before, I can’t stop them. And the blood will still be on their hands :/ but I have to go shower now. Dad wants us all to go to the store. With me in the driver’s seat apparently… I guess I’ll let you know how that goes.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I will join you
At the table
I will join you
On the floor
So long as you agree to help me forget about
The life I had before. Lets lots of have fun
Before the sun goes down
Before I have to go 
Back home
And remember what its like being away from play
And that precious 
Smile 
That spreads across y our face - me :3

[image of two kittens relaxing together and looking off to the left]
 10:23pm   [sun]   7/19/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
2 Chicken tenders from Walmart
Sugar cereal
4 ritz crackers
Grapes!!!!! 
Apple slices and peanut butter!!!!
Yummy cupcake!!!!!!
Turkey and cheese slider! 

Okay, so, instead of getting dragged away to that stupid store, I ended up getting jumpscared by cousin and aunt T who had apparently showed up completely unannounced and were just… THERE… when I came out of the shower. I was stumbling over my words when they saw me and started starting up conversation bc I was so shocked! We get to talking a bit, but it doesn’t take long before cousin  tells me its his bday! And that he’s either 1) expecting to be handed the gift I TOTALLY have to present to him on his very special day or, 2) he is expecting a hug right now. So I’m all like,
“Ohhhh.. Yeah… your bday… yeah… 👀 Y’know, what? I have your gift somewhere around here, just wait here…” (in the most obvious ‘I have absolutely no idea what I could possibly use for a gift right now’ tone ever)
He makes a face and then is like, “yeaaaaaaaah, think I’m gonna follow you and see what you have to offer me.”
“Ohhh, no need for that!! Nooooo”
He follows me in the room and sits on the bed, an expectant look on his face. 
“Ohhhh, nothing to worry about here”, I say as I pretend to “search for his gift”. Y’know, the totally real gift I am 100% willing and able to hand him. I pretend a little bit longer and we’re laughing about my very clear BS until an idea strikes me!!!! I remember cecil has cousin-coded things in their room! I’ll just go snatch something from there and pretend its for him! (don’t worry, though, I never actually intended on trying to convince him it was actually for him. …not that he’d believe me anyway lmao).
“Oh yes! I remember, now! I must’ve left your gifts in Cecil's room… I’ll be riiiiiight back!” I enter their room (they were showering at the time, so they had no clue I was even in there) and quickly take the sonic from the top of the closet and the mimikyu figure sitting in one of the storage bins. I present these items to him and he’s immediately skeptical. 
“Hmmmm… you sure these are for me? I can DEFINITELY tell that Mimikyu is cecil’s…” before he could continue asking questions, I say, “heh. Ignore the dog hair on sonic… I figured you’d like him more anyway so just pretend Mimikyu isn’t here!” he wasn’t fooled lol. So then he tells me I can either hug him as the gift or give him a real one. And after a bit more prompting, I grumpily gave him a hug… :/ and good thing I did omg. Bc apparently his MASTER PLAN was, that if I didn’t, he was going to wait for his actual bday (bc it actually is two or so days from now), and, assuming we got dragged over to [his house 2 hours away] to visit them, he was gonna bug me inessentially to hug him as revenge. Oh man… more than happy I dodged that bullet.

Anyway, before we actually head to Papa’s house, we head to Walmart! Apparently the reason aunt T & cousin came by at all is bc its getting pretty close to Delaney’s and papa’s  bdays! So we went gift shopping! :D I enjoyed it! …is what I would’ve said if I actually made more of an effort to have been included in that process. But I was hungry and mom told me and cousin  to go look for something to eat. It was really tough for me to remember what I eat on a daily basis (perhaps because I have been reduced to eating the same couple of foods for a while now?) so I pulled out the ““SAFE FOODs”” list and skimmed it!! I ran into an issue pretty early on, though… most of the foods were microwaveable, frozen, or not enough to sustain me… so I couldn’t really try for most of those bc we were going to be spending over 30 minutes in a car. So I spent a pretty huge chunk of time wandering familiar areas containing food. But I couldn’t really figure out what I even really wanted… :I I eventually found an off-section that housed cold sandwiches! Great! Except… most of the sandwiches were not of any real interest to me… 

I was still not sure how to proceed even after making this discovery. I stood in place for about a minute, trying to mentally map out the walmart to see if I could go anywhere else to find food. Nope…. So I lingered at this sandwich area for quite some time before I decided that I just had to suck it up and eat the least MAMMAL-INFESTED sandwich there. It was a turkey and cheddar slide. It really didn’t even seem that bad. It looked cute, even :) I just wasn’t really in the mood for turkey so I was unsure about it… but there wasn’t anything else to pick, so, yknow. Anyway, thats my cue to leave and go search for everyone else. I eventually find them and conveniently, they’re starting their own food-search journeys! So I end up putting the turkey back in favor of chicken tenders & a fruit filled snack tray!!! Yummy yummy yum!! Mom ended up getting the turkey slides for herself, though :) 

And back we get into the car for the nice, relaxing car ride there. When we arrived at the house, I greeted Delaney immediately :) and I think we started playing within five minutes. Its hard to remember what exactly we got up to today… but I’ll try to recall to the best of my ability!

> before any present openings, we did the usual :) I pulled out my fidgets and it was a repeat of our last visit! She made the joy sticks bounce around and the other magnets “float”. As well as rolling the ball magnets around! Then I pulled out the two new friends I brought us to play with! That old 3d printed slug fidget I forgot I had and an old squishy cat head :) she thoroughly enjoyed playing with both of them! Which put a pretty big smile on my face :) 

> then very quickly it was time for presents!!! Delaney got a pizza-chef playset thing, a puppy vet toy kit, a preschool learner’s book, and a Bluey bubble toy! :D I cheered her on as she excitedly watched aunt T pull everything out of the bag and she picked the pizza toy set to be the first thing we were gonna play with! So I was all like, “yay maybe we can have a pizza party!” I took the box and began to remove the tape and get everything pulled out and ready for playtime! :) she was getting pretty excited! We get started and I start reading out the steps to making the perfect pizza! First, I opened up the dough. Which was similar to kinetic sand? It was a nice texture… I really liked it :) and so did Delaney! She was going to town on the dough, rolling it around and stuff. I directed her to start using the rolling pin bc that was the first step and she quickly obliged. 

The pizza itself was… in tough shape, though… literally. Its shape was irregular. It certainly was not what you would consider A CIRCLE. But, yknow, whatever. Not every pizza looks the same :) we move onto adding the sauce & the cheese and garnishes and stickin’ that bad boy in the oven! Then we get her sprunki pals and the cat squishy (which she later nicknamed Tawny after aunt T’s irl cat of the same name) to have a pizza party at our pizza place! Which was pretty enjoyable :) the rainbow slug eventually joined too! 

> I ended up shoving Tawny into the oven and Delaney was like, “oh no! Kitty got burned!” which was an excellent segway into trying to get us to try playing with the vet kit! Bc I was growing bored of the pizza game… mostly bc either the pizza supplies became more of a sensory activity for her or she was just getting us to have our characters eating the pizza over n’ over and it was getting repetitive. So, I suggested that we grab some doctor/vet supplies from the sick puppy kit to help heal Tawny! Luckily this was an idea she wasn’t opposed to. So off we went to go collect her second new toy of the day! She continues playing while mom works to remove the packaging and I think I kinda just watch? Eventually aunt T starts asking about how on earth we’re going to separate the pizza dough from the rest of the layers and he begins trying to salvage the bits that can be separated from each other. 

Whoops… didn’t stop to think about whether or not we should have used ALL of the clay. We used all of it but the pizza dough… heh… but no need to focus on that! The doggie kit was freed of its zip-tie prison now! So I move most of the pizza supplies elsewhere to make room for the dog. I help separate a bit more of the clay and then turn back to Delaney to get us started saving the poor sick little doggie! Except… Delaney wasn’t interested in being a vet today, it seemed… instead of focusing on healing puppy’s wounds, she was mostly still playing with leftover clay and not really trying to help sick puppy get any better. I could eventually reorient her to playing with it, but sick puppy definitely did NOT receive the highest quality of care he could have had. She was also giving him shots in such a haphazard manner! What a travesty! Anyway she ended up naming the doggie little ketchup. I think bc she gave him some pizza sauce (so, yk, tomato sauce) and he didn’t really like it. So, I guess the next logical step in that sequence is to name it little ketchup. Idk, lol :) I ended up pretending the tweezers was actually an evil bird! That it was attacking people/the dog. And Delaney got a real kick out of that :D 

> after we explored all the wonders of the vet kit, we moved onto… cake time! Well apparently Delaney actually doesn’t really even like cake… but she had some frosting off a cup cake anyway. I devoured mine ofc. And then back to playing! We briefly went outside… “skipped-raced” down the halls, and I got abra-ca-dab-ra-ed into a frog for a couple of seconds! When we went back inside, I took the backseat on playing for a bit bc I was growing rather tired… so aunt T played with her a bit while I got to take some time off and watched them. Delaney was using the evil bird and Tawny to beat up poor, sick, Little ketchup! It was kinda funny, actually! Aunt T’s acting skills as the dog was impeccable. And it was genuinely hilarious when the puppy bit Delaney to defend itself and the puppy was immediately condemned and advised to apologize. So it did. …About FIVE TIMES before Delaney even acknowledged the apology was taking place. And when she finally listened to the poor dog all she said was “good doggie :)” before returning to pizza time clay-play as if she was entitled to the apology! I had a genuine good laugh at this omg Delaney is a funny kid. 

> We decided our next toy for the day would be… the preschool book! The preschool book was annoyingly repetitive, actually. It was a bunch of “trace this shape!!!!!!!!!!!!” over n over. It had almost no variety. I guess… I guess you could ✨spice it up✨ by tracing the outlines of some of the animals but otherwise, you’re almost stuck doing the same thing in just a slightly different way. Just with a different presentation. But, yk, she’s only been alive for three years. So she was more than entertained by it. So I was kinda just along for the ride. I laid on the floor with her. Even though I could feel my body starting to throb in pain as I applied consistent pressure on my very-exposed-bc-I-never-eat-enough bones.

Even though I was growing more and more exhausted. She was having a blast, though :) I’d cheer her on every time she’d successfully trace something (“successfully” is used loosely, here… she was holding the marker in such a strange way. So nothing actually came out right. I tried to encourage her to hold it the correct way, but she didn’t listen to a word I said and if she felt more comfy writing that way, then whatever. She’s a three year old. It doesn’t really matter at the moment as far as I know). I’d say, “Whoohoo!! A+ work!” or, “Ooh, good job! Lookin’ pretty good!” 

I was mostly okay with this form of play. I mostly didn’t have to do anything, and she was having fun at the same time. Thats a win in my book! She’d occasionally break away from this, though, and we’d end up playing with plushies or tossing Tawny around. Or playing with the stickers in her book. We put the stickers on ourselves and I kept saying we were decorating ourselves! And she said we were like christmas trees! She was right! What a smart kid! My favorite part of this whole thing was when she stopped with the book and said that she liked… someone? I think aunt T? And then she added that she liked me too :) which made me smile. So I told her that I liked her as well! Wholesome :D anyway, eventually she started wanting to do some more active forms of play. 

So I left to take a bath room break, ate some food (mom let me have the turkey slider! yummm), then eventually gave in to more demands to rejoin her on the floor. I played a bit more until I couldn’t anymore and took a niiiiice break up until we left. She ended up getting cousin to play with her for the remaining, like, 15 minutes of our stay. Which is good bc right before we were told it was time to start heading home, she asked me if we could play talking angela flash games with me. And lemme tell ya. I did not want to play those games again. EVER. period. Especially after hearing that screentime for under fives is dangerous for white matter brain development… :I noooooooooooo way. So good thing it was time to head home. Before we left, she asked if she could hang on to some of my magnets. And… ofc I said no.. 👀 I’d never see those things again and she’d probably lose all of them before the end of the day lol. So, yeah, no shot at that. Sorry, kiddo. But I DID leave her Tawny. Mostly bc that was already in the plans. I never really play with it, anyway. So she could have it :) 

Today was nice. Got to avoid the store I hate so much. Got to avoid dad. Got to play. Nice day. Exhausting catering to an almost-four year old girl for several hours straight, but still enjoyable. Thanks, Delaney. 

Dearest Diary,

So, remember how I told you that my managers keep scheduling me away from the coworkers I actually work well with?

Instead, they seem determined to schedule me with the girls who hate my guts.

Well, these days, Adam has been working the same shifts as me, although in his own unit a short walk away from mine.

Honestly, I think it's better this way.

We get to go for coffee breaks together.

Have lunch together.

Carpool to work.

And, most importantly, I get to see my work bestie.

He told me that he had spoken to his manager and explained that since I was leaving, he wanted to work similar shifts to me whenever possible.

Which, obviously, I found very sweet of him.

Anyway...

One night, we were clocking in for a night shift and stopped at the café across the street from the hospital to get some coffee.

The two of us were standing in line, each looking down at our phones and minding our own business.

Then suddenly...

We both bit our lips.

Glanced at each other.

And immediately had to fight for our lives not to burst out laughing.

Because the two women standing in front of us were having a conversation that sounded suspiciously familiar.

Woman One:
"Girl, I saw someone on Reddit writing a diary about being a nurse. How is that person not afraid of losing their job? They were absolutely slashing their catty coworkers."

Woman Two:
"Oh? Maybe their management isn't online much?"

A pause.

"Or maybe they just don't care."

Diary...

I suddenly heard all my friends' voices telling me to stop.

Quit it.

Delete it.

Because if I get caught, I will be thrown away faster than I can take my next breath.

Because, GURL...

What are the chances?

I honestly had no idea my diary had been reaching so far and wide...

And equally so close to home base.

As we walked toward the hospital with our coffees in hand, Adam suddenly said,

"But listen, yeah... it does look obvious when I read it. It is us! The worst part is, you aren't even hiding some of the technical facts that could easily point right here, you know?"

He let out a laugh before continuing.

"When you wrote about XX sleeping with the chaplain priest, man, I was sent. I laughed so much. I don't think I'd laughed that hard in weeks. Just outing her like this!"

I raised my eyebrows with complete carelessness.

"Well, I wonder if those two were nurses. If they were, the news will definitely hit home soon. What are they going to do? Terminate me earlier than I am already planning to leave? Good riddance. Most likely they'll call me into their office, or HR, and ask me to delete it. A slap on the wrist, and then I'll be gone."

Adam laughed.

"But seriously. Maybe take it easy on some of the facts. I mean, at the end of the day, some of these women are mothers."

I stopped walking and looked at him.

"You cannot be serious! I literally mentioned no names, no places, nothing. No matter how hard anyone looks, I promise you, it won't be easy to find."

We arrived at the ER ambulance entrance, said hello to our EMTs and paramedics, and found them all gathered around the side office.

Adam had baked banana bread.

I judged him for it.

Because who makes banana bread in the summer?

So, naturally, he very kindly shared half of it with the crew.

We had our usual catch-up and banter.

As we were saying goodbye, the main ambulance suddenly pulled up.

The back doors flew open.

And the student paramedic came flying out, cursing.

Uniform soaked.

We all froze outside the side office door and watched the scene unfold.

The student paramedic, as he exited the back of the ambulance, shouted,

"You can go F yourself to the nearest F-ing hole we picked you up from!"

The EMT driving the ambulance, Kyle, came out behind him.

Kyle was clearly trying to hold in his laughter.

He was grinning from ear to ear.

He helped the paramedic in the back, Lydia, roll the patient out, waved at us, and rolled the stretcher into the ER.

We all turned to look at each other.

Waiting for an explanation.

Then Tim—let's call him Tim—suddenly burst out laughing.

"Oh Lord, I get it now!"

He continued laughing.

When he finally caught his breath, he looked at us.

"That student has been disobedient all day. We told him not to go into the small office because it doesn't have much space. We told him he could either sit in the ER where there was air conditioning or go back to the house."

He shook his head.

"We explained that the office is literally just for us to do our reports and catch our breath between runs."

"Then around midday, Kyle found him in the office with his feet on the desk!"

Tim looked genuinely offended by the memory.

"He was so disrespectful to Lydia all day too. He refused to help her restock the ambulance, and on Monday, he refused to help her wash and clean the ambulance at the end of the shift. Kyle was absolutely fed up with him. So I told Kyle, 'Today is Wednesday. When you go pick up Mr. Johnston, just let him humble the boy. With that attitude, leave him to Mr. Johnston.'"

Adam and I were still completely lost.

The rest of the team started nodding and smiling, clearly understanding exactly what had just unfolded.

Tim finally explained.

Mr. Johnston was a regular drunk.

He gets picked up every Wednesday, Friday, and Monday.

Same spot.

Right in front of the supermarket.

The supermarket literally calls the ambulance to come and get him like a weekly package.

Usually, it's the backup ambulance that handles this weekly run.

But today, the main ambulance had to do it because the backup crew was out on another call.

Pure luck.

For everyone except the student.

Mr. Johnston was known to spit.

And, if you crossed the line, he would go as far as peeing on you.

Tim looked at us.

"Having an attitude in this job is not something you need."

He paused.

"Being tactful and diplomatic is definitely more useful."

We giggled as we headed upstairs.

I told Adam,

"I wish these people would come and educate and humble my cats."

Then we went our separate ways.

And, Diary...

Lo and behold.

My unit this summer is a complete mess.

Usually, summer is calm.

Minor issues.

Nothing too dramatic.

But this summer?

Lord have mercy.

I pray every time before I go to work.

I immediately spotted the Blues from the doorway.

I rolled my eyes.

Then I walked over to my favorite nurse on the unit to get report.

She took one look at me.

Rolled her eyes.

And we both sat down for report.

"Ross," she said, "I'm not happy with the work I've done today. Please, if there is something missing, leave it for me. I'll complete it tomorrow, okay?"

I nodded.

"I've got your back."

She left me a few simple tasks to complete and hoped the rest of the night would be peaceful. My part of the unit was full of wounds. All sorts, sizes, and kinds. One of my missions was to make sure I take a look at each wound tonight and document their status.

I walked toward my first patient.

Before I was even anywhere near the room, the patient's partner came out and started yelling in my face.

Apparently, her partner had been left unattended for five hours.

Which I knew was a lie because medications had been documented as given less than two hours earlier.

I took a breath.

"I'd like to say that I'm the night team nurse. I don't have much to say about what happened during the day because, clearly, I wasn't here to comment on it. I will do my best tonight. And if you genuinely feel that we are lacking, you're more than welcome to stay overnight and be at your partner's beck and call, okay?"

She scanned me from head to toe.

Scoffed.

Walked back into her partner's room.

And shut the door.

I told myself,

"Whatever."

I'd be back later to check the wound.

I walked toward the Blues.

They smiled at me.

I knew they were in a funny mood.

Because who the hell wants to spend the night in a hospital?

One of them smiled.

"Hey, handsome."

I did not react.

"I need to check the patient. Am I allowed to go in by myself, or will one of you have to accompany me? I have to take sharps with me."

The one who had greeted me accompanied me inside.

The patient had just come up from the ER about an hour earlier.

He had a deep wound across the front of his thigh.

It looked almost as if someone had placed a knife at the top and pulled it all the way down.

It stopped right at his knee.

It looked horrible. Muscles visibly torn. These street fights genuinely need to stop using weapons. I am fed up with it. Use your fists!

Apparently, it was still bleeding, so my favorite nurse had told me to check it as soon as I got the chance.

I removed the dressing and redressed the wound.

He was scheduled for surgery in the morning unless it became an emergency overnight, but I couldn't leave the dressing soaked through.

I called the doctor on call and asked him to assess the patient because we might need to transfuse him.

As I was doing my work, alone and without any help, I decided I would employ Mister Blue, who had been running his mouth, by making him hand me things and hold the patient's leg up.

Blue looked at me.

"You know I don't only catch bad guys, right?"

The patient on the bed looked confused.

"What do you mean?"

Blue continued anyway, staring directly into my face.

"I catch feelings for beautiful creatures like you."

The cheesy pickup lines continued for a good ten minutes while I redressed the wound.

I finally left the room without replying to any of them.

"Thank you for your help. Let's have a peaceful night, please."

He smiled.

"You cooking dinner for us then?"

GURL.

Relentless.

I tell you.

Besides having to deal with all the patients I had overnight, this Blue kept coming near me and running his mouth.

I called Adam.

He had nothing to say except laugh.

I spent my stairwell moment thinking.

Should I really quit this diary online?

Should I keep it in my notes?

Diary...

I need to share you.

I need people to know about some of the things that happen.

I thought about how I structured my diary.

And I kept wondering...

Is it really that obvious?

If someone working here reads it and knows how infamous my unit is, will they really know?

I guess I'm going to be seeing Ruth's face soon.

Or getting called into the office.

Or HR.

Because, guess what?

I will only stop publishing if I don't have time.

Still publishing,

Ross.

Love is such an interesting construct. One day you're so overfilled with it you have nothing to feel but joy and the warm embrace it leaves you with, and the second you act on it, it is as if you had flicked a light switch. What was once warm and comforting has turned cold. The happiness you shared, the spark you felt, was pinched out by their own index and thumb. You could always act like there was no spark, no flame kept burning by both your hearts, no “I love you” spoken in the middle of the night. But no matter what you claim or force yourself to think, you can still tell when a candle has been lit. Maybe after this day, you'll talk more and relight that spark; maybe just one stays lit, or even once one's flame goes out, the other does too. Aside from all this candle talk, love can be the most feared yet powerful feeling. In my own experience, I felt as if I had been fulfilled. You would make my heart stop and speed up at the same time. I would always take extra time getting ready if I knew you would see me. I’ve been waiting months for you, and I would wait the rest of my life. You made me feel like I had flown to the moon and was jumping for joy. You made me who I am now, and I couldn't imagine my life if you had never been in it. We never dated, but we treated each other as if we were. I'm talking as if we don't talk anymore, even though we still do and act the same, but I can't hold these feelings much longer. You’ve said you loved me many times and admitted you loved me before, so why can't you now? It hurts knowing that we can't be more than just best friends who act fully like they're dating and call each other pet names. The night I found out you loved me, I blacked out. Eight months of waiting had just been all worth it, and I was such a happy person. The night you were lying in my arms and said we should date before changing the subject, before we actually could officially, was like finding an item you had been searching for in your room for hours. The countless nights you would kiss my face but not my lips, or listen to me talk and tell me it made you happy seeing me so into my topic, or fall asleep in my arms felt as if I had been a bird flying over endless fields, happy and content with wherever I ended up. The night I officially asked you out felt like I was a little kid waking up at three A.M on Christmas, going downstairs to see if Santa had left any presents, but he hadn't. Normally, if I had gone back to sleep, I would have woken up to dozens wrapped in shiny paper under the tree. Instead, I had woken up to you saying you didn't want anything romantic. Love sucks, and I quit, and this was about my best friend, whom I still talk to.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Chi’s showdown - Season one, episode nine
 📚✏️ - 2:20pm   [fri]   7/17/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Apple with peanut butter

Mmm, update time I guess…

Math homework
Yeah, so that went no where </3 I first tried the factoring I should know how to do. And instead of figuring it out like I’d HOPED FOR, I continued to be confused and unable to find where I was going wrong. I went into this with a plan and everything– look up the answers (bc she never gives us the answers to check our work… :/), follow the steps it lists out, and try to see if, from there, I could figure out where I messed up and what I was doing correctly. I pulled up SymboLab and plugged in the equation that I had already started. And… and I think the middle term changed… :I I tried to look back at the equation. Did I mistype something? Nope, I put it in correctly. I looked back at what I did to see if I could spot my mistake. Nope… not seeing anything that looks wrong to me…

So I clicked the “show steps” option! That should help me figure it out! :D except… the steps… are behind a pay wall… :I I started to feel the **frustration** eating away at my brain and my eyes sting with tears so I stopped myself immediately and tried to move onto a different problem… NOPE, still can’t do that either. 

So before I burst into tears, I decided to shift gears… just do the textbook homework instead! It doesn’t have steps, but it does have an answer key! So I head to the textbook, gather up my notebook and pencil and all that and plug this next equation (same concept) into SymboLab again. It wouldn’t give me step by step, but by looking at what it DID give me, I should be able to tell if I’m on the right track :) so I got started. And I instantly got the very first step incorrect… which freaked me out bc… am I doing the wrong type of factoring????? Whats going on here???? I look at my notes again and I genuinely can’t tell if this is the wrong type. Bc I had this same exact question as we were learning it. It was really confusing?? Bc it looked like it was the same type, but then the steps were different but then… when I tried those different steps, they were wrong, but when I tried the other version’s steps later, they were perfectly fine or ALMOST correct. I,,,,, :/ 

I tried to continue the problem but nothing was clicking and the tears were biting even harder so I just tossed it aside at that point. No point freaking out. Wouldn’t change anything. So I no longer have a choice,, I have to go to school early… :( probably very very early. Idk. this is not going to end well considering I can barely eat anything rn.

Do more portfolio organization 
Surprisingly enough, I actually got quite a bit done :) I think is is mostly bc I desperately just wanted to feel like I was doing something other than rot. And I was successful in that regard! I don’t even know how long I was doing it… definitely had to be atleast an hour. Perhaps even an hour and 30. But either way, I made LOTS of progress!!! :D the folder that used to house all our old notes n’ stuff used to be BULGING (and it’s actually damaged from the amount of papers I’d stuffed into it! Don’t be too shocked yet, I’m pretty sure its just bc its not a plastic material. Its more like paper…? Idk. But I think you get what I mean) and now its been reduced to a disorganzied stack of papers! I’m actually kinda impressed with myself!!! Go me!!!! I honestly don’t know if everything is technically in chronological order like its supposed to be… but, hey, maybe I’ll check it later to be 100% sure. But I wouldn’t blame myself if I didn’t end up checking it >.> Like I’ve already said, I can’t take this anymore so yknow :3 ‘long as its good enough not to kill my chances of passing the class, I. DON’T. CARRREEEEE.

Ate!
Took a break from the portfolio and scavaged! Luckily there was one more apple left! Yay! :) so I ate that! And… thats it… I don’t think theres anything else I can eat. :I 

I do not feel great today :( 

[///sui ideation]

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

 Season 1 ep 21 - Chi Takes Cover from the Rain
“This “home” thing.
Is it bad if you don’t know where it is?”

 5:06pm   [fri]   7/17/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
 Free walmart banana :) 

When mom came home, we went out to drive. I told her I wanted us to have me drive us over to walmart bc, yknow, Little bird is in desperate need of kitty litter at the moment. She said we should work on parking first, though. Which I did not want to do. Bc, admittedly, maybe I wasn’t just silently panicking when we were parking lot-only. I was probably also ACTUALLY bored to an extent. Bc the parking lot is all we used to do :/ so, yeah, on top of everything racing around my head, I was getting sick of doing the same thing with no variation. 

But anyway, I call dad and get him to vouch for me over the phone. Bc last time I drove (maybe… second or third last time…???) and we went to walmart, I parked well enough :) but he agreed with mom… so made a note to myself to never try using him again lol. Anyway, I take us to the parking lot. We do some parking. I suck, of course. No shock there. But the more I see myself fail, the more doom I feel. It never ceases to amaze me how I always seem to come home from driving wanting to or thinking about DYING. Its genuinely insane. But as is my brain’s usual pattern, I ended up immediately getting frustrated that I can’t do this already, seeing my life going no where bc I can’t DO anything or GO anywhere, and then therefore needing to hop off a ledge. 

Eventually after I fail several times to make it into a specific parking spot, mom stops me and begins to tell me I’m being more pouty than before. Which I honestly hadn’t noticed… bc I’m never really all that animated when I’m behind the wheel anyway. But I guess it makes sense. I bet she’d be pretty “pouty” too if she felt like her entire future hinged on this skill. (Even if that is a bit of a leap… but for whatever reason, that is how it feels every time I’m driving. And that is why I freak out every time… :I) then she got to telling me about “fixing my attitude” again. Which I didn’t really appreciate… but it wasn’t as irritating as usual I guess. It really just made me sad… bc, ofc, I can’t really FIX it considering the "ATTITUDE PROBLEM” I’m having is really just involuntary, terrifying thoughts cycling through my head and making me anxious and despondent, but also bc she was kinda trying to encourage me a bit… and it just made me sad that I’m trying so hard but I can’t show it outwardly or “be animated” like she’d like me to be :( she did eventually ruin it, though. By accident. She told me acting the way I am acting in a job setting is a great way to get fired. And I get she was trying to help me… but it really just made me want to die again, honestly… bc I can’t help it. But I know that the world full of adults is not forgiving and that they don’t care if you’re struggling. And it kinda just reminded me that I am not built for this world in the state that I am in. and the only way out of a situation like that is to stop living in it, y’know? 

She tried to encourage me to take a deep breath so we could start again. But after that I knew I wasn’t going to be able to avoid crying if  I kept going… the only reason she didn’t see my eyes fill with tears is because I had sunglasses on. So after a couple seconds of silence (aka me trying to keep my composure), I told her we can just try again later. So we switched seats and off we went to walmart.

During the ride to walmart, I was still anxiously worrying about whether or not I would have to die :( I really don’t want to reach that point… but it’s okay. This whole thing has sparked bravery, I guess. Or maybe stupidity?? Idk. but regardless, this calls for something to seriously change. Idk if I can do it.. Bc its been at least five years of our mind having been hijacked. And I think that taking back control could be the key to keeping us alive. Because for one thing, you deserve to live the life you have been robbed of for almost half a decade. You deserve the chance to get to explore the world around you. And I deserve the chance to take a breather with some help. And to finally get to know you more. But I think it will take some serious work. And idk if I can do it. I just have to try something :( I can’t go on like this anymore. Wishing me and you luck.

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

It seems to me there is hope for you yet!
Extend your paws out far
Don’t stop 
Until you reach what you’re searching for
You’ve nine lives, my friend!
Go out and live 
Each and every single one of them
To their fullest potential - me :3

[image of cat looking out in the distance. the sun pours through the slits between the trees! its beautiful :) ]
 7:37pm   [fri]   7/17/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Pizza!!!! :D 
Popscile!!! <3 

OKAY. I did some research. It sounds… plausible. Harder because I’m a chronic overthinker and I overanalyze everything and intrusive thoughts, yada yada yada… but… I REALLY THINK I might be able to do it!!! Everything I read affirmed that it will not be an easy or quick process because the monster has been around for years. But with enough persistence I can do it :) I really hope so. Its a bit nerve wrecking and I’m sorta ruminating about it… so my head is hurting. But this is day one, so it is totally forgivable. Lets see it through to the end! >:)

Oh– quick update though:
Dad called me in to give me a quick tiny lecture bc of cecil. Basically, he told me 

1. if I’m still taking a full load of classes next semester, I don’t need to be looking for a job (which I PROMISE YOU I ignored bc if the college can offer me one they can work with my schedule. And I am SICK OF STARVING. Besides, I’d prefer to be able to buy fun things and save for my future service dog. So, yeah, better believe I ignored the heck out of that.)
2. if I need money, he’ll give it to me. Which, ofc, brings me back to number one. He would only be handing me dollar bucks if I NEED it. Not if I WANT it for a fidget toy or a book. Or something he PERCEIVES as a want like one of my few preferred items of food. So, yeah, I ignored this too. Also bc the risk of me becoming an inconvenience is high and that would scare me.
3. He told me to reschedule the driving test. Which annoyed me. Bc, yeah, duh. But whatever. At least he took responsibility for not having done his part in actually teaching me enough. Still annoyed, though. He said that we should hopefully have me ready in 2 to 3 months which still annoyed me… bc I still worry I’ll have to put plans on hold because they didn’t do enough even though they had plenty of time :I lets just hope that doesn’t happen I guess
4. he told me not to “falter” in my academics… which did not make me feel great. Bc I’m already faltering… and I have no support still… he said if I do there’ll “be a problem.” so I’m cooked <3

5)  I brought up dropping a class (bc it was moved to [current campus. Which is further than the one every other class is at] and its at night) and surprisingly enough there was no push back. THANK GOODNESS. Bc I don’t know if I can handle 12 credit hours. But I strongly suspect that I cannot handle 14.

Perhaps my future is lookin up!!!!! :D

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I have been sentenced to live a life I did not ask for. 
My eyes open and I smile as I see the sun peeking 
above the roof of my neighbor's house.
It must be hard to be the sun sometimes, lifting yourself 
above so many things to be seen by everyone on earth.
And yet despite such a demanding task
The sun will rise another day
and shine its light
The sun will rise again tomorrow
and so will I. - Me :3
[image of cat silhouette looking up at a beautiful pink sky]       
💊 - 11:07am  [fri]  7/17/26
── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
Today has definitely not been very fun :I I’ve done almost nothing today… I woke up at three am and did nothing until about 5 or 6am where I got to digitizing some entries :) which wasn’t that bad. Except it was probably triggering the heck out of me. But since then I’ve done LITERALLY NOTHING. All I’ve done is sleep. I’ve had about three naps so far which, for me, is quite shocking. This usually isn’t possible for me to do. Like, I usually CANNOT get myself to fall asleep this many times in one day, and ESPECIALLY not this close in frequency. Idk how I feel about it. On one hand, I enjoy feeling as though I’m doing less of “nothing” bc I’m unconscious, on the other hand, I would rather be doing something than knocking myself out :I so… yeah… but, y’know… If I could drive… maybe this wouldn’t be an issue rn… y’know? 👀I’m REALLY not gonna let that go btw.

 
Mmmm, idk, yesterday as I was pursuing nextdoor, someone was posting to ask if anyone was interested in taking a dog they found (but don’t own & don’t want) off their hands. I just felt it was so strange that they kept referring to the dog as a “high quality animal”. It felt almost… creepy… or dehumanizing. Which, obviously, dogs aren’t people. But it felt strange to see the poster calling the dog “it” and “high quality” as if the dog was an object and not a living thing. Am I the only one cringing at the way that was phrased???? 

Anyway… what things can I do today?

Math homework
I guess thats… an idea? But how much of it can I even really do? Idk… I guess its productive in that I have the weekend to hopefully figure out what exactly is messing with the process I mostly already know how to do. Gosh I don’t want to, tho…

Figure out that accommodation issue
I actually took a look at the website a little bit ago! But… Idk if I should do anything yet… I still feel skeptical the diagnostic sheet I received is the documentation I should be submitting to the school. I looked at the therapy service a while ago to see if they had any info about what I can and can’t present as documentation and theres just no information? And I have no idea who to ask… so, plan for this one is, I’m just going to wait for monday’s therapy session and ask therapy-guy. He could probably atleast tell me who to talk to if he doesn’t know. Perfect bc his help will come just in time for when the office is open on tuesdays :) 

 Digitize more entries
Yeah, I can do that :) 

Do more portfolio organization 
Sigh… well, I DID tell myself I would do a little bit each day. And today is another day… so I will… even though I really don’t want to… :/

Do my hair
Absolutely not <3 I was bored enough that I actually did consider it. But nooooo way. Thats about 6hrs of my butt on a couch. And I can do that already witout the extra work. It can wait till next week then.

Eat something…?
Like what? Genuinely, what? There is no more marinara sauce. I can’t make spaghetti anymore. And I can’t eat leftovers so I can’t make a meal that will MAKE leftovers. OMFG I WANT A JOB. 

Fantasise about getting into the workstudy program for your school
Already beat you to it, silly :)

Annotate JunkDrawer’s physical copy
I could… do that… or I could… like, not do that… 👀 Idk. 

Before I go… I’ve been wondering recently what it’ll look like in December when I eat up more insurance head back to the doctor’s office. I think… I’ll probably need to show them my new diagnosis-es, right? Maybe not HAVE TO, but I figure if I don’t, they’ll probably try to mental health-check me anyway, right? Which would just be unnecessary at that point. I still wouldn’t even accept treatment for any of them, though. Which would break my heart honestly… bc I do so badly want to get better… I guess unless they hand me a bottle of vitamins to protect me from my ARFID a bit. I could do something like that. Thats much easier to explain away than “dangerous eating disorder that can result in malnutrition and death if left untreated”. Idk… :/ unless that ALSO eats up the insurance, ofc. Can’t have that.

But okay… I suppose I should get started on something. Ciao :(

   ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - ‘You Never Know Your Luck, I Wish You Plenty of It!’
📚✏️- 12:45pm  [thurs]  7/16/26

     ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Sugary cereal!!!! :) 
Spaghhti and shrimp!!!!

Yeah, I called it. I am indeed cooked. I can’t properly do this “factoring” thing :I like,,, I’ll do one thing and then its only SORT OF correct. Or its correct but the order of the numbers is reversed and therefore ACTUALLY wrong… or one of the numbers if doubled or halved… but y’know what? I’m not gonna rush to go to school early…. Or really even push to head there early. Bc I can’t really take this anymore… too much energy and not enough time. So,,, I think I’ll just have to hope theres no pop quiz today and head to tutorials at some point to fix this. But I am going to still turn in the homeworks :/ bc I probably should not be taking all these zeros by trying to wait. Shame :( but its alright. I’ll figure something out. Before I got to homeworking, I had a nap :) it was nice. And… yeah, thats kinda it.

 X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

im a fake pessimist, 
i see the sun and 
i want to live          
4:44pm  [thurs]  7/16/26

     ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
2 packs of ritz crackers!
Granola bar :3

Okay… so… perhaps double cooked? We did the factoring I’m SUPPOSED to actually know how to do. And whaddya know? I actually CAN’T do it. When we were doing the first portion of the lesson, I started getting things wrong even though it looks so easy and straight forward. And I became so FRUSTRATED that I went from determined student to brainless in about 5 to 10 seconds. I was like, 75% spaced out bc of how irritated I was. To be fair,, the first portion of the lesson was new to me. Second portion was the stuff I SHOULD know. And I felt even worse now bc my mind was reduced to mush not only bc of the irritation and not being able to figure it out or catch up, but bc we were once again NOT offered our ten minute break. So all the overwhelm kinda just piled up and I,,,, :/ 
Idk. its just kinda scary that my mind is breaking down NOW right at this moment bc we are rapidly approaching the dates for the two big scary finals. Finals which I cannot use a calculator on, btw. So I may be cooked if my brain becomes even mushier. Bc how can I re-study everything I need for these two major comprehensive exams (espically the basics like my multiplication tables) if I get too overwhelmed bc it will only serve as a reminder of everything I can’t do in the actual class? And I felt much too fried in the head to go to tutorials after class even though I really did consider it. Cooked… cooked… cooked… :I 
I guess all’s this to say I will be going to student accessibility office in person to get that accommodation thing sorted out since I can’t do it online… they’re only open on Tuesdays. Thats great :/ idk, perhaps I should first see if my theory is correct and see if the request I made last semester is whats getting in the way here. I’ll put it on my to-do-y list. Tuesday reminded me that the therapy appointment is on monday. Which is also unfortunate. Bc… wtf am I even DOING it for??? What am I even going to SAY?? Omg I hate myself. Best of luck to me :I

    X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

The water flows freely beneath my paws. I am afraid of falling in. 

but I know I must continue. I know I must endure. I know I must move on. - Me :3   

[image of cat trying to cross a river by walking on the rocks]
7:07pm  [thurs]  7/16/26

     ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothin’ :3 

Well. when I got home, I was feeling irritable, hungry (low appetite but still), and generally just unhappy bc my brain was still pretty fried. But I knew I still need to get myself on the road again at some point… so I made myself put my things down and after maybe 5 to 10 minutes, I went to go ask mom to go driving. She frowned a bit and said she didn’t really want to… I let her know that I ALSO don’t want to,, but y’know,, what else can ya do? :/ she keeps making faces every time I try to gently prompt her to get up. She keeps watching the TV. its kinda annoying but I don’t really have the energy to complain. Eventually she’s like, “ahh… but I just took off my pants :(“ so I kept telling her that maybe she should change that. But nope… she continued to sit on the couch… I kept prodding her, telling her, “hey, well, it might be helpful for you to put some pants on before we head out.” “well, I’m not going to go get them, so…” as in… she wanted me to… go grab her pants and socks from her room… but I didn’t have the energy for this either :I so I kept trying to tell her that getting me a license is more important than this rn but that didn’t change anything… I tried waiting her out and she still didn’t budge. So I confiscated the remote and her phone so she could stop watching TV.

 And instead of then getting up to grab pants so we could get on the road already, she just sat in silence. Until she called for Cecil who then handed her their phone. With Cecil’s phone in hand, she had access to the online version of the remote and spent about 10 or so minutes fighting over control of the TV with me. Eventually I got bored and left. And fed up with her saying, “well, kid, this is on you. You could’ve just gotten the pants and we’d be on the road already.” it was just… kinda annoying?? Like,, no its not on me :/ why can’t you just get your own pants so we can go out for a bit and help me have a basic life skill??? 😭 Mmmm idk, perhaps blessing in disguise. I’m definitely not the worst I’ve ever been in the head before getting in the driver’s seat, but with my fried brain, perhaps I was not in optimal condition anyway. The only reason I decided to try to go for it anyway is bc mom recently said, “well, just because you’re hungry doesn’t mean you can’t drive. People do that all the time.” and she’s right. So, y’know. But this is just really annoying… like… do you want me to be a bum?? 😅 what I think will happen if nothing changes is the following:

1. They’ll realize they can’t rely on Cecil anymore when they get sent off to do air force stuff.
2. They’ll realize that they made a mistake in slacking off for this long. Bc oh no!!! I have places to be!! But I can’t get there unless they get me an uber or drop everything to take me somewhere!! Oh no!! Who saw this coming! 😱
3. Dad will say things like, “well, y’know, sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to get places you need to be” when I start freaking out about having to be in an uber bc I’m terrified of the idea of being alone in a car with a stranger who could literally just take me anywhere and do anything to me. Which will also piss me off bc we could’ve easily avoided this.
4. I become a huge inconvenience and then and only then do they decide that I NEED MY OWN WAY TO TRANSPORT MYSELF. Which would be fine. But the problem is I imagine they will probably try to have everything be on their terms. So they’ll expect me to get in the car whenever they want and only when its convenient for them. So I have a feeling STARVING and BRAIN-FRIED Delilah is gonna be on the road more often pretty soon

This is unfortunate. Oh well.. :/

Bbbbbbbbonus

DELILAH INFORMATION SHEET

4/15/26-5/19/26

Aspirations!!!

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ I still hope to have a parrot one day! Not as much as when I was younger, but still :) I don’t really want to speak in absolutes about this topic… cause not everything works the way you hope it will…  but the plan for this would be…

Species: 
Pionus parrot - they’re on the more quiet/independent side
Green cheek conure - On the quieter side of the conure family and smaller, so they’d be easier to handle than a bigger bird
Eclectus parrot - they’re also more quiet/independent i think? And beautiful! So that's a plus. The biggest concern here is that they’re more stress-prone than other types of birds... And i’d definitely need to evaluate my lifestyle before choosing this bird because of that

Cage-free: I want to be one of those people who gives the birds an entire room with branches and stuff drilled into the wall and large poster papers on the floor so any poop can easily be rolled out of the room :)

Number: 2-3 would be a nice amount! Preferably a bonded pair that won’t be reproducing, of course

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡Work with kids! At first I was just thinking about being a therapist but there's plenty of other paths I could take if I decide that's not what I’d like to do for whatever reason. So I’m thinking these are my options…

Talk therapy! - I could ofc stick with this option! Sounds intimidating, but I’m sure I’d probably get the hang of it. And I bet I’d love it too! The issue I’m having, though, is I’ve kind of been envisioning a ‘Torey Hayden’ experience more-so. As in, I feel like I’d like a more ‘active role’, I guess? I’m not entirely sure how to describe it. But this certainly isn’t a bad option!

Play therapy!
Honestly haven’t really done enough research on this role to really justify its place here (as in, maybe i’m not completely sure i know what i’m asking for by putting it on the list), but based on what i’ve seen in my books, it sounds like you let your clients engage in play and interpret the deeper meanings behind the play itself. Which I would LOVE to do! :D I love psychanalyzing people!!! :) The only issue is idk if i’d ever be completely comfortable with that age group… maybe one day. But idk, yknow? 

Professional mentor
Apparently, this is a real thing!! I think this’d be perfect for me! To tell you the truth, I’d only ever seen one listing irl about a position like this… but based on that one listing, I loved it! You have 8 kiddos you follow k-12 and just be there for them :) I’d love to do something like that!!!! If therapy doesn’t work out for me, this is second in line. It’s great because you get to see someone learn and grow and maybe even change someone’s life!!! How great is that?!

ABA therapy
Not sure why I'm so drawn to it… but I just am :) I guess ‘cause it would allow me to work with special needs kids! Which is an area of interest! Of course, I am concerned about the issues ABA has… but If I do commit to trying this, I'll do my best to research the best way to not ruin a kid's life. Like in Carly’s voice!! How the people who worked with her said it's always better to go with your gut than by the book.

[basically a “social emotional/connecting with kids class? But I think the acronym is specific to my school district, so, yknow]
The way it was presented to me at first made it sound not dissimilar to mentorship, which is why I was so drawn to it! I was told you focus on connecting with students as opposed to teaching or anything like that. And they’re all sped! Which sounds right up my alley! Until I realized you are still a teacher :/ which I don't want to be. The only reason it went back on the list is because you’re a resource teacher. So you’re a teacher, yes, but you’re in more of a supportive role. Which I actually feel much more comfortable with. Especially since the focus of that class is connection.

Online Diary/ Self Growth Day 1

Today I've decided I am going to Journal as feelings arise so that in hopes maybe this is what helps me out of this rut and make more sense of my jubbled thoughts. There will be no flow just my inner thoughts and turmoil.

Today and well in general I've hit this place in adulthood where ( 27f) for the most part I've put all the things that bother me in the past but in times of anxiety and loneliness or family/friend interactions they resurface. One being I ended a 13 year friendship or maybe they did, that'll I'll never know. I struggle often with wondering if I'm a good person. And I mean I care deeply about the people I love but somewhere along the line I feel my deep emotion or deep caring was stamped out, maybe a little from my family/friends and alot from society. I've always felt like I cared more about having a good friendship or closer relationships then most people in my life like I've always had a capacity to love deeply but nowhere for it to go or be received. And now it's me and my Husband and he truly is the only person who has ever taken the time to understand me and to tell me my deep emotions are what he loves about me. But like I said somewhere or many somewhere's I've been made to feel I am too much. I have a deep longing for a friendship where the care is deep on both sides I want a village. I just have to do the work to find one, but there in lies my hold up. Everytime I think I'm ready to make the effort a flood of emotions and questions comes over me. Do I really want to put the effort and love into someone just to have it not be reciprocal. I guess what I'm saying is I'm tired I've had 2 long term friendships the one before was my friend from 1st grade to freshman year and we just went separate ways no explanations just one day she left and went to a different school and never really spoke again. The other was from 7th grade to 24 years old and maybe it was a little bit of both our faults but I do know it felt like I was the only one trying to communicate and hash things out and it just never went anywhere. I just don't know if I have the energy to pour into someone again just to be let down. I have so much love to give but nowhere to give it!! 😕

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Bluey Season 2, Episode 7
2:54pm   [weds]   7/15/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Spaghhti & shrimp
Apple with peanut butter :) 

GUESS WHAT. as we were driving to school, I got to telling Cecil about my ARFID bc we were talking about the possibility of also getting them to start a work study at school bc we’ve both been really good at starving recently. And then I was like, “Yeah… wouldn’t be surprised if we were BOTH ARFID-afflicted. You’re worse than me???” and they were like, “*naaaaahhhh,* we’re just picky!” and then I was like, “do… do you know what ARFID is, by chance? 👀” nope! So after explaining what it is, I started quizzin’ them!!! Bc they started denying it. I asked some questions and they said they like trying new foods bc dad used to get them to try new foods, get annoyed when they didn’t like it, and they felt guilty for wasting his money. So now they dont want to try new things bc they’re worried about wasting money. Which, okay, doesn’t really prove my point yet…

but then they say, “and besides, what if it tastes weird?” so I ask a bit more about that! I asked if any sensory things make them avoid foods and they confirmed that texture was a major concern. Haha walked right that one >:3 I asked more questions like, “do you sometimes feel disinterested in eating?” and, “does eating make you feel ill at times?” and they confirmed both! Like, how, for example, they will usually just not eat the meals they cook for the rest of the family bc they dont feel like it or how they’ll just choose to starve bc they don't feel like eating. And they confirmed they had a fear of vomiting that causes aversion. They told me, “yeah, thats why I don’t eat ketchup. Once I had too much and puked. And I don’t want that happening again so I don’t try new things.”

I don’t remember exactly what else was said, but everything else they said checked more and more boxes. So I was like, yeaaaaah…. You have ARFID 👀. And they kept denying it with a goofy simpering smile (am I even using that word right??) and it was really funny :) they kept saying it was on us for being picky so I kept telling her we have a right to complain bc, yknow, the parents never took our strange behaviors seriously :I they still seemed a bit hesitant to accept this line of thinking but maybe they’ll come around. Idk :3 I was like, “nooo don’t be sad about it!! That just means we’re rare siblings!” and the side eye I received was very amusing. Very funny interaction for sure, though! Denial can be funny to witness sometimes.

Aside from that!!! Yeah, I got my final FAFSA thingy submitted so MAYBE I’ll be able to finally be employed. Idk. they’re reviewing my general eligibility for financial aid now that I got that final form submitted. So hopefully we’ll know soon. Cecil was down to also apply bc they’re also a student even tho I always forget that. Which is great! If they don’t want me, then hopefully they’ll take cecil and we can stop FRIGGIN STARVING all the time. I would love that :)

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Chi’s sweet home season one sp 27 — chi jumps
4:03pm   [weds]   7/15/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Granola bar :) 

Sooooooooo for today in class, I might end up cooking myself. Bc I quickly became distracted typing up previous entry. And after that, I got distracted by the fact that we need to ensure the portofolio for one of our major math grades has every thing you’ve ever done in sequential order! So I got busy trying to organize things… I didn’t get very far lol. When I gave up on that, I got BORED and just stopped paying attnettion somewhat. I checked back in. but idk, might be cooked later. We’ll have to see :3 

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
💤 & 💊 & 📸 & ❌
6:03am   [thurs]   7/16/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Cosmic brownie (7/15/26)
Delicious chili with rice in it! And yummy ritz crackers :) (I was confused why I enjoyed it bc I thought I didn’t like chili??? But I think its bc the liquid was just right. It wasn’t runny,, which would’ve made me feel sick, and it wasn’t thick which would’ve made me anxious. Thank goodness!!! Bc it was GOOD) (7/15/26)
Ritz crackers :3

I couldn’t get myself to write this yesterday. Sooooo I’ll write it out rn :) 

Wow. Very hyperviligent as I waited for Cecil yesterday! I stood near building [765] bc they have a roof over there and I wanted to avoid the drizzling rain. I stood near the edge and I immediately notice the squirrel standing across from me! Cute little guy was sitting on the platform, rolling an acorn around in his mouth :) it was not a far distance from me, so I just stared at it. I was admiring it. I don’t usually get to see wildlife so close! But then we made eye contact… obviously the squirrel was cautious of me. I could be a predator, after all. Why wouldn’t it be looking at me? 

But then I ALSO became weary of the squirrel. Bc for a while there, the eye contact was intense and neither of us was willing to break away. The squirrel broke first. I kept my eyes on the squirrel bc I was now terrified. What if it was secretly rabid and it was now waiting for the perfect time to INJECT ME with its dangerous life threatening salvia? So I quickly checked my surroundings (looking left, then right with a quick glance behind me), and then went back to diligently watching the squirrel. Idk why I checked my surroundings… not sure if it was just out of habit, if I was watching for a potential threat (another person?), or ensuring I could easily escape should the squirrel launch its INFECTED LITTLE BODY at me. But yknow what? …litterally nothing happened… I continued to watch the squirrel and check my surroundings. I smiled as the squirrel bit into the acorn and ate it :) I surveyed the area one last time. And before you know it, the squirrel had disappeared. Thankfully not to attack me unawares. Just to go continue living its life. PHEW crisis averted.

I don’t really remember what made me move. But something freaked me out… I think I saw someone exiting the closed [765] building? Or someone was minding their own business walking by the building [765] staircase. Or I got freaked out by all the people exiting their cars even though they were quite a distance away and behind a fence. OH WAIT NOW I REMEMBER. I saw something nearby that looked like a BUG. and I got SCARED. So I grabbed my things and shuffled to the benches still near building [765]. I was gonna stay here and avoid the rain. But then I realized how close I was to the flowers… and flowers bring bees… and what if a bee stings me?????

 So,,,, nope. After staring at the flowers for a couple seconds, totally frozen by my own fear,, I grab my things once more, and go stand near the bench closest to the parking lot and my head was on a SWIVEL! I’d mostly be listening to my thoughts or music until I remembered where I was and then quickly check left, then right, and behind me, before going back to my thoughts or music. When the occasional person would walk by, I’d grab my things (to ensure they didn’t get stolen) and then slowly try to move away from them. Idk, I guess in my mind, if I don’t look like I’m actively trying to escape them, maybe… maybe they won’t be trying as hard to catch me? Think about it– if the kidnapper doesn’t know that YOU know they’re after you, they might not be trying as frantically to capture you bc they don’t see a need for such urgency. Yknow? Anyway, yeah. 

There was a person walking a little too close for comfort for me at one point and I actually grabbed everything and pretended my ride was there so they would hopefully leave me alone. Completely unnecessary btw. They never even made eye contact with me, I WAS FINE OMG 😭 there was some guy walking towards building [765] (so a good distance from me) and I still freaked out and kept trying to watch him to determine if I needed to escape the area. Luckily he didn’t come close at all. 

I remember feeling a bit more tired after spending 30-40 minutes being on sentry duty. I can definitely see how this hypervigilance thing can double my exhaustion… if the temperatures in the building weren’t so offensive to me all the time, I would just stay inside and reduce my need to watch every little movement by probably about 75%. But it just gets too cold sometimes :/ shame…

But as for today… I feel mostly peaceful and content :) I do believe it is the power of the AM once again! I so love the early morning! And my messed up sleep schedule has been robbing me of getting to experience it lately… so its nice to get a chance to today. Yet another reason I hope I get to volunteer early in the morning next month. I stepped outside to toss the kitty litter deposits and it was, like, pitch black out almost. With the street lights on. So nice… one of my very favorite sights,, truely… I wanted to stay outside and enjoy it but then I remembered that one of the only downsides to an hour as beautiful as this is you can’t always see oncoming threats. Like tiny, malaria infected bugs. 

Bc yes, my area actually does indeed have confirmed cases of a previously eradicated disease… :/ that,, or a kidnapper could easily find their way up and over the backyard’s fence and then BOOM game over for me </3 But yeah :) I think it’d be nice if I could smoke, though. Smoking at the best hour of the day sounds extra relaxing. …but I guess not really… considering I am terrified of lighters and deathly afraid of fire… so I guess instead of being relaxed, I’d be anxiously watching my every move to ensure I don’t drop it and watch my house go up in flames. Okay. I take it back. Glad I still am not able to access cigs yet :I 

Anyway,, before I wrap this up… dream-time! :)

5:28am
7/13/26
I was just walking around the house and then for some reason, I went outside and then suddenly dropped my computer. It falls and splits in half but I'm too scared to ask for help so I bring the two pieces of the computer together in my arms and try to pretend it's fine and nothing broke. So I reenter the house and try to go to my room but dad appears and suddenly wants to play so he playfully chases me around and I'm nervous about the two halves of my computer slipping from my hands and falling apart but somehow I make it to my room without them realizing my computer is in two pieces! Yay! Before I woke up completely I was scared it was real! Phew! Crisis averted

7/16/26
Idk… how to interpret this… maybe it just means I feel trapped in a house with a man who thinks he’s doing fine with us and is loved by his kids (as is shown by his playful nature) when in reality I am scared of him and don’t find him fun in any way. Yeah. that sounds like a passable enough interpretation 

5:10am
7/16
Me sis and some friends all go shopping. We were given very little money so we're frugal. We know that i have a couple extra bucks but i thought it was only a few. People keep asking for little snacks or money even still, though, but i keep saying no bc i didn't wanna pull out a buck or two knowing i can't use it. But someone makes a request as we check out so I check my wallet! We were surrounded by cheap snacks so I thought it was worth looking through my last couple dollars. And WHOA!! I had alot more than i was expecting! I even had a nine dollar and thirty two dollar bill. Wow, must be rich in dream-world I guess! So anyway, i take the cart and fill it up with highly desirable food items! I was the shopping hero that day I guess :) i felt good about walking down aisles and picking up whatever I wanted.

7/16/26
Hm. idk. I guess this was just sparked by the fact that I’ve been wanting a JOB (hence the money). For several reasons, ofc, but also bc I’m constantly starved due my untreated eating disorder. So that part is simple enough. And being the “shopping hero” and having complete autonomy in the store… hmmmmmm… idk, maybe that was just me having a chance to have independence and feel empowered in my own decision making? (even if it wasn’t real lol) Perhaps thats why I went ALONE to collect all the food. And being the “shopping hero” was probably just me being satisfied with praise or something? Wanting to feel important and needed? Idk :3

(side note– it seems every time I fall down the batten disease rabbit hole,, the accounts have not posted in YEARS. Most of the accounts I watch these videos from are foundations. And it… kinda scares me… it makes me wonder if they’ve given up on their mission of saving those kids. I remember last year when this interest first sparked, I went to a website! Can’t recall if it was Batten-focused or not, but it was rare disease focused at the very least. And it had, like, update posts and stuff and things like that. And I noticed as I was looking through the page, the information was old… on the update posts, but also just in general. Most of that info was not recently added to the website. Had they too given up?

 Run out of funding??? It breaks my heart every time I see stuff like this. I try not to think about it. I also just wish there were more videos about the day-to-day with these kids. I’ve only found one channel like this so far–Harlowe’s. But they don’t post very often and it seems like Youtube isn’t interested in notifying me when they do even tho I asked them to. I hope Harlowe is okay… but atleast she’s one of the lucky ones in that she has the ONLY type of CLN that has treatment options and that her family has the resources to give it to her. Last I saw, anyway. I should try to check out that channel again, soon. Its just hard to remember what its called… I’ll put it on my to-do-y list for today!)

I’m an introvert by nature, the kind of person who finds beauty in the small, easily overlooked things. I love quiet mornings, late-night conversations that wander everywhere and nowhere, and the simple comfort of sharing space with someone I love. I’m the type to remember little details, to notice when your smile seems different, and to find joy in ordinary moments made meaningful simply because we’re together.

I’d love to share the things that make me feel most alive: creating stories, making art, discovering new music, watching films that leave you thinking long after the credits roll, or even just staying in and talking about life. I value kindness, honesty, loyalty, and the feeling that two people can truly be themselves with one another. I don’t need grand gestures to feel loved. I’ve always imagined love in its quietest moments: a hand to hold, mornings over coffee, conversations that stretch into the early hours, and the feeling of finally being known by someone who chooses to stay.

Love has never felt casual to me. When I fall for someone, it isn’t halfway. My thoughts naturally drift toward them, my heart seems to reorganize itself around them, and all I want is to pour that affection into every quiet corner of our lives together. I know that intensity isn’t for everyone, but I hope there’s someone out there who feels the same way, someone who doesn’t want less of me, but meets me with equal passion. I don’t dream of loving cautiously, I dream of loving completely.

Until that day comes, I’m gonna work on becoming someone whose life is full enough that when love finally arrives, I’ll have something beautiful to share instead of something empty to fill. More than anything, I hope I find someone who lets me love as deeply as I was always meant to, and who isn’t afraid to love me with that same intensity in return.

- the hopeful version of me

I live in a very conservative country were enlightened mines are few and far between and just 15 minutes ago when I was re-parking mom's car to move it to a shade, the guy who was working on his car right next to me in the lot got a phone call, and his ring tone was the Doctor Who theme song.

Mine is the tardis sound. I haven't been cheered up this easily in years. My face immediately lit up from the thought of someone who likes the show just as much as I do, who most likely understands the various life lessons it teaches and the meaning of humanity lives in the same apartment complex as me.

It means a lot. And it's making me think about how a show (in this case Doctor Who) can connect people in such a way. The various episodes in the show where they displayed the power of collective minds coming together comes to mind.

In this entry, I want to make a big deal and thank my legs. Heck, all my limbs! But today is just for my legs.

Dear legs,

The things you do for me! Today you helped me do a thing I loved. Climb trees. How brilliant and clever you are. The way you could shift your feet as the trunks changed. You held me safely as I did mildly stupid maneuvers to get to the high hanging mangoes on the tree.

I am sorry you get bruised a lot. I don't know if my body is weird or it's just normal. Today you got wounded a lot as I slipped and fell off the tree. You got scratched up quiet a bit. The marks of the tree trunk etched on the back of your thigh. You make me teary, the things I put you through and how you come through for me always. I am grateful for you.

I feel eager for the wounds to heal, and for the marks it will left behind. I wish to one day wear skirts and show them off. "The time I fell off a mango tree". Marks that a future partner would love on as they see how much it means to me.

It feels a bit unkind of me to love the wounds you sustained, but it is not because I don't cherish you. It is infact because I cherish you I love it.

I am grateful for you, I will do my best to take care of you while I go do risky stuff in the future. I will learn to be more and more discerning and reduce risks of damage. I love you.

Utterly yours,

the soul you carry to many journeys.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Season one, episode 34 - Chi Takes Cat Lessons 4
“Huh? Did it hurt?
💊 - 9:02am    [weds]    7/15/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

This morning really wasn’t that bad :) I woke up at five bc of my alarm but kept falling back asleep… ‘cause I stayed up till 2am by accident :/ was too upset to fall asleep for a while. I’m surprised I ever even got myself to fall asleep, honestly! But anyway, yeah. Aside from that, though, I’m feeling pretty good! I think this is because I DON’T have to go to school early today. I mean… I don’t actually know how bad my homework is… but I will probably just take the L at this point. I need peace for atleast the first half of the day :/ but yeah, I feel peace in my heart today. Very nice.

I considered maybe… trying to manipulate my parents to get that service dog… 👀 Like, perhaps I could just reveal ONE of my three diagnoses. I don’t think dogs can be trained for ARFID??? Atleast, I don’t so..? I looked it up before I think and I didn’t see anything. OBVIOUSLY I’m not gonna tell them I have PTSD :I which means I could only reveal the GAD. which… I guess I would probably feel the safest doing, honestly… with the PTSD, I fear getting interrogated by my parents and that really freaks me out. Bc at that point, they might try to sit me down and force information out of me. And I think I’ve made it very clear by my actions for the past four years that I’m very interested in this outcome >.> If not interrogated, I think I’d just hate seeing concern register on thier face. Bc I hate making people worry. It scares me and makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable. Idk why,, but it does,, so… :/ 

With the ARFID, I fear losing control. I have no idea how my parents would react… I feel 75% confident they’d believe it (bc, yknow… Its an official diagnosis…), but what if they don’t? If they do, will they try to force feed me distressing foods in an effort to “help” me? Would they even actually pursue CBT for me? I feel like they would… but they’d probably take their sweet time, I bet. Or be so uncommunicative that it LOOKS like they aren’t doing anything like when I got misdiagnosed ADHD. And how would I explain how I even GOT the diagnosis???

And, honestly, here’s the other thing– I don’t even hate the ARFID. In a world where I had more control over this situation and I had independent access to in-person mental health services, I probably would genuinely just refuse treatment simply bc I don’t… really think I want it… I wouldn’t necessarily say I ENJOY having this dangerous eating disorder. I just,,,, don’t really see it as an issue I guess? What I believe is the real problem is that I don’t have the resources that allow me to collect a good amount of ““SAFE FOODs””. I think for now I want to keep the ARFID… 👀 Because I love the familiar and I’ve been stuck this way for years. I don’t feel like ARFID is really debilitating to me… bc, again, like I just said, I don’t consider the eating disorder the problem. So this would not be the best choice for using on my parents.

Which leaves the GAD! I think thats a good candidate. I honestly didn’t even know I had it??? And Idk if I really even do…? I honestly just see it as an extension of the PTSD bc I don’t even know where the PTSD ends and the GAD begins. Which is great! Bc in my head, it’s PTSD with a different label. Obviously they aren’t the same condition. BUT they would very likely get me the exact same result. I haven’t done research for GAD tasks, but I can imagine it’s probably not too dissimilar to tasks catered to someone with PTSD.

Now, the big problems with this is the diagnostic sheet just has all three conditions sitting right next to each other… :I so… not sure how I’d hide the other two from them??? 🤭 but ALSO there are no guarantees in life. And they have no clue how disabled I am… so why on earth would they immediately light up at the thought of investing thousands of dollars on a highly trained animal when they have no idea how much I need it and would increase my quality of life? And… perhaps one of the biggest roadblocks to using them is… they are completely and fully aware… that I do not like dogs… 👀 

now hear me out— I’ve done some thinking and I think I just don’t like UNTRAINED dogs. Think about it,, based on what I can remember,, my dislike of dogs had to have started around the time Storm was beginning to decline. Which tracks bc a new dog, Baby-blue~♪, came into our life. And OH BOY, was that little baby blue heeler untrained. From what I remember, he was a heel-biter, a biter-biter, and peed quite a bit. And, yeah, duh, he’s a high energy breed and was born, like, 5 months ago, but it didn’t stop me from really seriously disliking him. Atleast Uncle rad actually DID try to train him. I remember bc I tried to help :) but ofc it didn’t stop there… Now we have Dusty & Laika. They’re not as bad as Blue was. But they’re still annoying in their own special way… but I think the biggest thing that killed my love of dogs wasn’t even the dogs themselves… 

It was dad :I bc as a kid when Storm & Lucy were around, he’d make us responsible for them all the time?? I mean, I guess technically cecil claimed Storm. But even still I feel like I didn’t need to be wrapped into it all the time?? I think I may have also wanted storm but I never actually tried to claim her. I just didn’t like that the cousins had to get rid of her and felt bad for her. 
But even still, dad would just offload all the responsibility of caring for these two dogs I never asked for onto me and cecil. And it pissed me off… especially bc, just like NOW, there were certain enrichment activities I wanted to do with them. But he’d ignore me just like he does NOW. Its insane. The dogs need be taken care of but not only do I have to do it bc you don’t want to, you won’t even do the bare minimum and buy them enrichment tools?? Its so frustrating bc Storm, Laika, and Dusty have ALL been destructive. Storm would tear up stuff in the house and dig holes. So does Laika. And Dusty friggin EATS THE DIRT that Laika digs up. And its just so frustrating bc even when Storm was around, I was aware that it was caused by boredom. Which is why I advocated for enrichment so the problem would be solved. Buuuuut nope. He chose to ignore me and just keep physically punishing all of them instead of spending, like, 40 dollars on something that would mitigate the issue. He made everything worse that way?? The problem never got dealt with properly so they all KEPT DOING IT which means he spent well over any amount of money buying dirt to fill in holes or replace broken bits of fence or whatever else the dogs went for bc he refuses to listen to me :/ The lack of training also isn’t even really on the dogs, either. But I guess i just got so used to hating the dogs for it that I put it on them instead.

All’s this to say, thats why I keep entertaining the idea of a service dog :) thats a highly trained animal that I would OBVIOUSLY accept the responsibility of and appreciate for helping me :3 I just,,,, don’t think I can do it yet… still…  too many issues with trying to go through my parents. ugh :/ wish I could drive already… so I could start saving… 

Booonusss…

Okay. idk what to change the name to. So I’m just commit to calling it
“Freind adventures” even though thats stupid :) 

FRIEND ADVENTURES
4/15/26 - 5/28/26 

12th grade
“Student in progress” -
In Delilah’s letter of recommendation from Mr. [12th grade math teacher], he called me a “student in progress”. Rosey and Lucille seem to all think that it made me look bad and love clowning on how it was phrased but I think its brilliant and reflects reality pretty well :)

Rosey POV: That is a really sketch letter... the bad seems a little too good

Lucille POV: The letter seemed so shady that I wondered if that was the goal. It seemed
to me that all her worst characteristics were highlighted the most, especially with her fighting “against a long history of poor academic decisions.” When I saw how happy the letter made her, I couldn’t help but cringe. What exactly was she picturing in her mind? Is this the best person who could’ve written the letter?

Cecil POV: Your teacher allowed you to skip parts of curriculum, you got a teacher to UNOFFICIALLY MODIFY you which is INSANE because who else in your school’s history has had a teacher let them away with so much like this??? Even I, someone who’s lazy with tedious assignments wouldn't be able to get a teacher to UNOFFICALLY MODIFY MY CURRICULUM like that. I think this reflects you perfectly... you have too many negatives in your personality that don’t mesh well with academic environments. I will say that even though you’re lazy, at least people like you tend to find the most efficient way to get around things they don’t want to do or streamlining them so you don’t have to do them anymore.

12th grade
Sabrina bear
Delilah wanted a keepsake from Sabrina to remember her by after she graduates! But
SC wasn’t keen on offering anything of actual value and her constant pressuring of her didn’t convince her to give up the bear or the dog :/ so, Delilah hatched a master plan when her already very late bday presents from Grandpa were cancelled by amazon and never arrived. She’d just tell them to buy the bear off Ebay!! Success! Except he accidentally sent it over to his address instead so she had to wait... In the meantime, Delilah got started on naming people for her book and decided Sabrina’s name would be Sabrina!!! So when [mix of her real name with the bear’s name] arrived, she got renamed to Sabrina bear :) Now the brilliant Sabrina bear sits next to the original, outshining her everyday by wearing SC’s lovely 2026 senior mum!

11th (3/7/25)
Help@1234
Its a do-nothing-class! So we all settle in our seats and try to find something to do.
Rosey pulls out her computer and tries to log into her college account! Except autofill doesn’t activate... And she doesn’t actually KNOW her own password. She tries to brute force her way into her account but she doesn’t get very far this way... So she starts brainstorming ideas to get back into it! First she decided asking admin might help! Even though I told her they could only help with high school accounts :l We went anyway and all they could do is shrug their shoulders and wish us luck. So we head back and try to think of another soultion... She called her parents! This is because she can use personal info that they know (like SSN) to reset her password! So this leads us to her security questions and they were... completely nonsensical...
The first security question was BOY. That was it. Which made me laugh so much I couldn’t breathe for a second!!! Eventually she somehow figured out that her password was Help@1234 (it was originally Help123 because she used the help desk before) which was great because not only could she now recover her account, we got to see the rest of her security questions! They went as follows:

What is the name of the city where you were born?: HELLO
What is the name of your first school?: GOODBYE
What is the name of your best childhood friend?: DOG
What is your mother’s maiden name?: CAT
Custom question: BOY (the answer was GIRL)

I laughed so hard about this because are the LEAST secure security questions I’ve ever
witnessed in my life! I laughed so hard I cried :)
Rosey pov: I SWEAR that I didn’t ever enter security question answers like this, I have no clue what happened or what went wrong here. I do know that these questions are common ones that I answer for security questions, but I DO answer them with logical answers. My only thought here is that I didn’t enter in answers for some reason and it auto-filled to that.

Dear Me,

Today, you decided to make this account for your thoughts. The idea is simple: make it a dumping ground for whatever's on your mind. Keep it as private as possible. That's important, and I want you to remember that.

Today you're overwhelmed with a lot of shit. Managing the coffee shop, dealing with jealousy, and trying to figure out your path in life.

You only got two hours of sleep. You woke up with saliva all over your face, which is rare. Maybe you've really been pushing yourself these past few days. Then again, why are you so mad about it? It's your choice not to use your time to sleep. You need to break that habit.

When you arrived at work, you blasted music with depressing lyrics. You're attached to The Craving by Twenty One Pilots. You keep playing it on repeat.

You know what your real demon is? Your own thoughts.

Your partner sees that in you. I think he understands you better than you realize. The problem is, you keep so much inside not just from him, but from your friends too.

Today you had the urge to message one of your friends. She used to be your ex, but now you honestly believe you're better off as best friends so keep it that way for years after the relationship. She brings you comfort anyway. Unfortunately, she was busy when you tried to reach out.

Work wasn't that busy today, which is good. You finally got to relax for a bit, buddy.

Then you find yourself trying to discover if magic is real. It's kind of silly. You're a grown-ass man. Why are you Googling stuff like that?

I know why.

You're hoping for some kind of magic. A miracle. Something that could change your life right now.

But I'm telling you, life doesn't work like that.

You ended up watching a Discovery documentary about snakes. It's funny how fascinated you've become with them over the past few years, even though you're still terrified of them.

You should eat something, though.

But you don't have much of an appetite.

Why is that?

I wish I could help you, but you already know why you're feeling this way.

I know...

Because I am you.

Anyway, Erick, I hope you get some sleep tonight. Or maybe play that game you love, the same fucking game you've spent way too much money on.

See you tomorrow. Write again if you can.

7/15/2026

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Shall We Be Friends'
📚✏️ - 2:05pm    [tues]    7/14/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
2 bowl-fulls of shrimp & spaghetti!!
2 mini chip’s ahoy thingies :3
Apple with peanut butter

Omg. I actually feel pretty decent… which feels INSANE TO SAY but it makes me smile!!! :)))) I was dreading the fact that I had to come to school early. Always do :/ but tutorials actually boosted my confidence today! Mostly bc I actually knew more than I thought I did??? I came into the school thinking I was kinda cooked. Which may sound a bit silly bc earlier at home I went back over the test review and “graded” everything. Well, everything I attempted, that is. But I skipped everything I couldn’t do so chunks of the test review were just BLANK. But it turns out the problems weren’t even really that bad!! Ah!!! I feel a bit silly for being so worried!! But its fine :) now I can rest easy that I should ATLEAST cross the 70% threshold. With this confidence boost I’d be a bit surprised if my grade actually turned out to be so low, but I guess we’ll just have to wait and see :) Hurray!!! I don’t have to be so stressed about this anymore!! :D 
Aside from that,, I didn’t realllly get up to too much this morning…

Sat in bed :) 
At first I was annoyed bc I woke up LATE. My eyes opened around my 7:50am alarm :( Buuuuut thats my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t stay up… wait a second I didn’t stay up! >:( I couldn’t go to sleep :/ well,, nevermind that. Point is I sat in bed, stared at a screen, and ignored my body’s impulse to pee for around 20 mintues! Then I peed and ignored the dog. Mostly bc it was POURING outside and I knew if I took the time and energy to let him out, he’d go outside and stand there instead :/

Made some food & did some writing!
At first I wanted to ignore the impulse to eat… bc I can only eat spaghetti and all that. So I’m scared to eat it at all bc since its all I eat, I’m gonna get in trouble eventually 👀 but dad was leaving around this time so I figured may as well try to eat something before I have to head to school. I wanted to do some writing-things, too! So I decided to try to multitask! Which… didn’t really go to plan… I was so busy cooking my spaghetti and shrimp that I couldn’t really take time away from it to do much writing :/ I expected this to happen. But its fine :) ‘cause in the end, I got to eat two bowl-fulls of genuinely DELICIOUS FOOD and once I was done with that, I successfully digitized two additional entries! So it all worked out in the end.

Gave Dusty the kong!
While I was cooking, Dusty & Laika were being annoying and DUELING loudly on the carpet >.> and I couldn’t hear my TV show!!! So I decided to do my usual “Lure-one-of-the-dogs-into-Cecil’s-room-to-get-rid-of-them” plan! I hurried into Cecil’s room and hid behind the door! You’d think they’d have figured this sneaky little plan out by now bc its my primary strategy of removing annoying puppy dogs but somehow they have not?? Bc next thing you know, Laika is at the door. He isn’t actually completely brainless so he WAS aware that I was up to something. You could tell bc he was very hesitant to follow me in. but eventually he gave into curiosity and walked inside. Which was my cue to run out and lock him inside!! Haha!!! Works every time!!! These dogs are funny sometimes 😂 I was definitely surprised it was not Dusty who fell for it. Bc, again, Laika isn’t completely brainless and usually Dusty is the one who gets lured. But hey, the rule is whoever ends up in the room first is the one who gets stuck inside it. So that was that and I made my way back to cooking :) 

Laika cried about it a little bit. But I never felt a shred of guilt bc when I’d look back at Dusty on the carpet, I could see him playing with one of the chew toys. So the duel earlier was, as it always seems to be, about Laika being greedy and refusing to share :/ minutes pass and eventually Dusty starts being annoying and trying to spy on my cooking! I keep trying to shoo him away but ofc it doesn’t really work… 

And what do we do with an annoying or bored dog…? Give them something to do! (✿❛◡❛) so I decided to give him the kong! I wasn’t sure what to put inside it, though… bc there aren’t anymore MilkBone dog treats… I decided to just give him some veggies! And dog food :3 I didn’t want the microwave to ZAP-ZAP-SINGE again, so I threw some frozen green beans in his dog bowl and added water to defrost them! And the dog food, too, since it has to be softened for him to eat it. He was REALLY excited as he watched me do this! Which is fair enough bc he saw me throwing stuff in his bowl and then placing it out of reach and walking away. But thankfully he kept his excited hopping to a minimum. Bc if he didn’t I might’ve rescinded the offer… 👀 I waited about 3 minutes and then everything was good to go! Now I just needed to locate the Kong… I checked the living room… nope… not in Cecil’s room.. Or mom & dad’s room… turns out it was in Dad’s game room! Just reminded me that just you’re just never gonna know where that thing is gonna end up. I think Laika could sniff the HAPPINESS in the air (or the green beans and dog food smell. Theres no telling, really) bc he started crying right as I passed the door with the Kong in my hands. 

Anyway,,, I scooped up the Kong and filled it up! Dusty was very very pleased with this combo of snacks. He was so excited rolling it around and getting the stuff out! I enjoyed watching him! :) his tail was very waggy this morning :D I actually gave Laika some green beans, too. Not to be nice. No, ofc not. He ALWAYS gets the Kong and every other snack ever bc he’s willing to steal it and DUEL for it. But bc the Kong was getting too full. So he got really lucky.

Annnnnd that was my morning :) not a bad start to the day. Hope I can make it a nice day all the way through!!! Idk, though. Bc I am about to take that test… and I guess I should probably be fine? But idk. Might take it out of me and drain me. Lets hope for the best.

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Two Cats'
3:34pm    [tues]    7/14/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothin’

Okay, so, not gonna lie, don’t know how well I did. I feel like the process of doing things was fine for the most part, but I feel like a couple numbers were definitely wrong… but I don’t feel bad enough that I think I failed. So, theres that. Hey, long as I don’t fail, I don’t care :) definitely kept internally crashing out, tho.  ‘Cause there were so many LONG, TEDIOUS problems and I was getting so SICK of doing them over n over again. Just annoying. But its over now. So I’ll just enjoy my freedom :) 

Side note,, it seems like more people are talking to me recently. Like, on-campus strangers. Usually its a compliment! Which I thoroughly enjoy, actually. Mostly bc its compliments for my “style” (which I’m pretty sure means my hair!!!!!!! WHICH OFC IS MY FAVORITE TYPE OF COMPLIMENT!!!) or compliments for [my 5lbs weighted stuffed animal friend] :) which also puts a smile on my face! Every time she gets a compliment, it reminds me of SC telling me I should leave her at home bc its “not age appropriate” 🙄 People LOVE her!!! And I love her!!! How could she get compliments if she stays home??? Silly sabrina. Just today,, the tutorial person asked about [my 5lbs weighted stuffed animal friend], actually!! As did the desk-people who let you check out scientific calculators! And someone down the hall said they like her!!!! Ahhh!!! These are the good types of strangers! The short and sweet interactions in public really aren’t that bad and tend to put a smile on my face :) and just yesterday, someone stopped me as I was walking to the car and told me she liked my hair and my style!!!! AAAHHHH!!! That made my day!!! Thank you, non-scary, kind strangers!!!! :) 

Oh,,,, and guess what else happened today? I went to the printing place and as I'm walking towards my seat,, a girl (probably my age or a bit younger??) in the next seat over is just… openly staring at me… for like,, 5 straight seconds?? And a couple seconds more as I took my seat. Her mouth was slightly open as she looked at me. And I struggled to understand if it was bc I'm just sooooo gorgeous :) or if it's bc I have 405 colorful plastic beads in my hair and a five pound stuffie on my shoulder. If i had to guess,, it was probably the latter :3

bbbbbbbbbonus (donuts. bonuts-donuts!!!! 🐿️ YAY :) )

IT’S 12TH GRADE!

PROVE URSELF! BE JOVIAL!

8th Journal!
6/30/25 - 10/29/25

1st semester of…
✨12th grade! ✨ (and my boring summer)

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[concerned stitch image]

12:13pm    [mon]    7/7/25

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

So… unfortunately the summer school thing ended up going through. I started my 1st lesson thing at around 10am today. Well, it was actually a pre-test to determine my knowledge on the subject. If I passed, I could skip all the topic lessons AND the quiz (which is great bc quizzes + tests are supposed to be in-person). So I cheated a tiny bit. I knew some stuff, honest! Some I just asked google. I got a 70% so I moved on to other things to take a break! Started feeling like maybe this wouldn’t be so bad :) I got back on like, 30 mins ago and I started watching the instructional videos… but I kept getting distracted by music or my stress levels would elevate too much so I kept allowing myself to get sidetracked to calm down. Once I tried again to focus, I was doing pretty okay! But then the guy [on the video] started talking about stuff I don’t understand and no explanation on how to do it. 

I felt confused and defeated and I hadn’t even started the lesson yet… I started to cry. From stress and frustration. And thinking abt how I won’t be able to graduate bc of this, how I’ll still be as impaired as I am now, and, assuming I DO graduate, will have to tell my parents (who will already be disappointed I didn’t try harder for [additional credits]. For me to catch up, I’d have needed to do a summer class and add more classes next year. Yah. no. I can’t handle that.) I want a gap year/how I have no future. Fun stuff like that. Ugh. I’m gonna try to keep pressing forward tho. If I’m gonna cry over this, best to do so when no one is around to see.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[chi poking yohei’s cheek]

10:29pm    [thurs]    7/10/25

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

So…  yesterday(?) 2 days ago(?) mom randomly told me I’m joining Cecil at aunt P’s house. Which is empty aside from the dogs. Bc, yknow, pretty much all of dad’s family is at disney world right now. (Cecil is dog-sitting) so I packed an overnight bag (begrudgingly) and we went to the store to pack me some stuff to eat. I honestly don’t remember a ton of what I got up to in the past day or 2… but here’s what I do remember!! 

> Winndixie was refusing to go outside to potty bc she was terrified of the roofers working on the house next door. To be fair, it was pretty loud. It came to the point where she was so scared she would be rapidly breathing (hyperventiliating?) in her bed. I felt so bad seeing her like that… the poor dogs don’t have any toys so I couldn’t try to distract her that way (Ex: using a lick mat) and I couldn’t cover the window where she saw the scary roofers bc there were no curtains :( eventually I remembered an easy way to calm down an animal is to put them in their cage and cover it with a blanket! So I did just that! I was thankful when the area she was being kept in was free of her noisy panic barking and that that meant she was likely calm enough to breathe again :) 

> I felt lonely when Cecil left to go sleep elsewhere. So I cried a bit. I wanted to cry for some reason. I tried to let myself but I kept resisting at the same time… maybe I just needed the emotional release.

> Apparently Cecil refused to drink water every time they [came to dog-sit]?? So when I got there and tried to use the fridge water, they were as unaware of the water not working as I was… I don’t really blame them, though. They hadn’t been asked to stay there overnight ‘till that day that I came. And they didn’t even know we were stuck there ‘till I told them... ‘Cause they’d usually just have access to water once they came home, yknow? I drank from the water bottles (I never put my mouth on them, tho)

> I woke up at 1am to a sudden pain in my tummy. I checked and it was not my period! So it must be bc I barely ate anything yesterday… Lucky I had those snacks, right? :D So I grab a microwavable burrito and put it on my Bluey plate. It was only after the food was done cooking that I remembered that my plate is NOT microwave safe. Which is probably why after I took it out, the plate was making lots of cracking noises… IDK if all the cracks and scratches were there before (possible only bc we often use a scrub daddy) but probably not. I’m really lucky the food only needed a minute and a half… I only am giving myself a pass for forgetting something I’ve never forgotten before bc I was in pain and I wasn’t feeling super awake :) 

> Smokey, our Grandparent’s dog, ended up escaping… I let him out to go pee even tho he didn’t want to. Last time I did this, he was pawing at the door aggressively but after 10 minutes, I heard nothing… so I went to investigate and found a smokey sized hole below the fence… :I So I checked the yard twice more before getting Cecil to get them to come search with me. I had to change out of my jammies, tho. Once I did that, Cecil was already back with the dog! He only went next door…must’ve been quite the adventure, I guess… anyway, we get him inside and block the hole with rocks. Problem solved!

Okay, now lets talk about today!

> I was playing Cattails a bunch at P’s. I started dating a cat called Spark a couple days ago! They’re perfect! They remind me of myself! They’re spunky and cheerful! We got married today :) 

[//vomittttting!!!!]

> My period started today… so I used that to convince mom to come get us! (she refused our pleas yesterday. We suspect she left to go see her sisters but she never clearly stated that) thank goodness she did! The pain was mostly manageable (although it might not have been if we stayed at P’s… I saw no tylenol anywhere…) but the nausea was persistent! As it seems to often be the case, it worsened when I moved! Sp I used the heated lobster trying to manege pain (with tylenol too ofc) and I stayed on the couch till mom said she was gonna go somewhere after her episode. Even tho I still felt unwell, I was determined to go bc I recently finished “Maybe you should talk to someone” and she agreed to take me to the library. So I suffered thru my shower, got in the car, and off we went! 

At the library, I tried to move slowly as I went back n’ forth between the computer and book shelves. By the end of my book haul (only got 3 today since I only read one book in full from my last batch) I was feeling the effects of the nausea take hold. As we walked back to the car, I walked significantly slower than mom bc the “I’m gonna puke” feeling just kept growing. Once mom was inside [the car], I immediately started puking. Luckily I was outside and it was only a little bit [of vomit]. Unfortunately I couldn’t continue the trip after that… once I got home I took an AMAZING nap tho so that was great! The nausea stuck, still, tho… Even at dinner time I felt sick while eating :( and all this started in the early morning! And it wasn’t easy walking around for a while, either.

> we listened to some old warrior cat music today! It must’ve triggered me tho. Bc I started feeling worthless and like I should [...] and that all I’ll ever be able to do in my future is [...] Crazy stuff, really. But I guess the old music + visuals brought me back. Weird.

Annnnnnd… thats it!

7/14/26
Yeah. that IS crazy stuff. Just rereading it and writing it out on here made my eyes water :/ bc wtf 😭 that went from zero to one hundred SO fast and I was NOT expecting that omg. I was considering removing it but I figured that was stupid. Soooo… here you go, me… 

Dearest Diary,

I have succumbed to one of the greatest sins.

Yet again.

Greed.

Adam rang me telling me that because it was Fourth of July, the ER was offering increased pay rates. Half the staff had either booked the holiday off or mysteriously developed illnesses that seemed to recover the following morning.

I thought to myself,

"You know what? I miss working with my work bestie."

Besides...

What could possibly happen?

Oh, Diary, when will I ever stop chasing insanity?

Then again, it does help to have somewhere entertaining to be on holidays when your own family is half a world away.

Last year I spent Fourth of July at Adam's house with his family.

This year...

We both voluntarily signed ourselves up for chaos. I convinced myself day shift would be peaceful.

People would still be at home grilling burgers, drinking beer, and pretending fireworks were designed for responsible adults.

The real madness always arrives around shift change.

That's when hell clocks in.

Picture this.

The morning started beautifully.

I took report, inherited a handful of patients waiting on discharge paperwork, a couple waiting for inpatient beds, and absolutely nothing dramatic.

We call that "the calm before the storm."

I was quietly drinking my vitamin water when one of the veteran ER nurses sat beside me with a bowl of oats and fruit.

"Have some," she offered.

We started chatting.

"Which unit do you normally work on?" she asked.

I told her.

She gasped, then froze.

"Oh Lord..."

She reached over and squeezed my arm.

"God bless you and give you strength."

I laughed.

She didn't.

Apparently my unit has quite the reputation.

She told me that in her twelve years working in this hospital, she'd watched more nurses rotate through my unit than doctors graduate medical school.

The shortest one lasted two hours.

GURL...

Two.

Hours.

Apparently they cut her stethoscope with scissors. Slashed her bag.

Threw away her lunch.

I stared at her.

Then quietly admitted,

"That... actually happened to me too."

She looked heartbroken.

I shrugged.

"I don't understand it either. Some of these women are mothers. How do you leave your children at home, then come to work and treat another human being like that?"

She hugged me.

Prayed I'd survive until December, which is when my contract ends.

I thanked her.

Back to work we went.

Across the ER, I spotted Adam.

His hair looked like he'd been electrocuted.

His eyes alone were enough to say,

"Ross... come here."

He grabbed my arm and dragged me toward an examination room.

"What was I thinking picking up this shift?"

He shoved me inside.

I bit my lip so hard I nearly drew blood.

44- year-old male. Accompanied by girlfriend. Firework inserted into rectum.

Thankfully, most of the device had already launched itself into orbit.

Sigh ... The poor birds.

His girlfriend stood in the corner, arms folded.

"When do men grow up?"

Without thinking I whispered,

"Usually after a traumatic event."

She looked at me.

Not amused.

I politely nodded and assured her we'd get everything sorted.

The X-ray looked dreadful.

Adam and the ER doc called for surgery consult and transferred him to surgery shortly after.

Honestly diary, I'm surprised the man wasn't unconscious from the pain.

I walked back over to Adam, laughing.

"This is only the beginning."

The first quarter of the shift was exactly what you'd expect.

Asthma exacerbations.

Heat syncope.

Stomach pain.

The usual.

Then lunchtime arrived. Alcohol started winning.

And suddenly, Fourth of July truly began.

Among all that chaos, one patient has stayed with me.

She walked quietly into my assessment room.

Head lowered.

Hands trembling.

GURL...

I immediately switched every radar on.

I knew a rape victim when I saw one.

"What brings you in today?"

She barely looked at me.

"I think I'm pregnant."

Silence.

"But I can't keep it."

Another silence.

"It happened after I was raped."

Diary...

My whole axis shifted.

Then she quietly added,

"And... this pain isn't normal. It feels like something is trying to come out."

For a second I forgot every protocol I'd ever learned.

All I could think about was my sister.

My girl friends. Every woman I love.

How is this still happening?

How is this still the world we live in?

I reassured her that she wasn't alone.

Asked whether she'd prefer a female member of staff present.

She smiled weakly.

"A female doctor would make me more comfortable."

I called Gynecology immediately.

Thankfully, they sent one.

After examining her, they confirmed she had an ectopic pregnancy.

As awful as it sounds diary, a small part of me felt relieved.

Not because she had an ectopic pregnancy.

But because nobody would have to argue about whether she deserved control over her own body.

Nature had already made the decision.

Afterwards, I sat alone in the break room staring at my untouched afternoon snack.

Funny how one patient can excavate memories you thought had long been buried.

The mind is strange.

One story unlocks another.

Suddenly I wasn't sitting in the ER anymore.

I was back in my old hospital.

Years earlier.

I had rotated through Gynecology because I wanted to learn more for my mother and sister.

I absolutely loved that rotation.

Clinic one day.

Operating room the next.

Helping upstairs whenever the unit was short.

I genuinely believed I'd found where I belonged.

Until the day I walked into my manager's office and quit.

Picture this.

Clinic room.

One attending surgeon and one couple sat across each other.

The husband was local. The wife was foreign.

Thankfully I spoke enough of her language to communicate. As I prepare the patient for examination, the husband looked at the surgeon and casually said,

"I'll write you a blank check if you abort this baby."

Diary ... GURL ...

I waited for the surgeon to throw him out.

Instead he calmly replied,

"Let's examine her first."

He sent me to the laboratory with blood samples.

Another nurse replaced me.

The unit upstairs became short-staffed, so my manager pulled me up there.

End of shift comes, I am completely exhausted. I received a post-operative admission.

I walked into the room.

Diary... It was her. The same woman.

She grabbed my wrist.

"Nurse... did they take my baby?"

Everything stopped.

I couldn't hear.

Couldn't think.

Couldn't breathe.

The CNA beside me snapped me back into reality.

I handed over the chart.

Turned around.

Walked straight into my manager's office.

Nothing happened.

The attending surgeon documented it as an ectopic pregnancy.

I had seen the ultrasound. I knew what I had seen. But I was a junior nurse and he was the attending surgeon.

Sometimes hierarchy speaks louder than truth.

"Ross!" Adam's voice pulled me back into reality.

Another firework casualty.

Back to work.

The rest of the evening became a battle between fireworks and humanity.

Hands.

Faces.

Burns.

One particularly unlucky soul managed to launch a firework directly into their own eye.

For the first time in my career, I had to page Ophthalmology on-call.

I didn't even know they had someone on call.

As we walked back to Adam's car that evening, he looked completely defeated.

"Next time I even mention picking up an ER shift... I give you permission to slap me."

I laughed the whole walk to the car.

He works dialysis half the time.

That's the maximum action he gets.

Bless his peaceful little soul.

He forgot the ER celebrates holidays very differently.

My prayer post this year's 4th of July ER shift, Diary—

May next year's annual war between fireworks and humanity result in as few casualties as possible.

Stay humble.

And stay generous.

Ross

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - Title Unknown    
3:38pm   [mon]   7/13/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
2 granola bars! :) 
Chips ahoy minis :3

Ooooookay. In class rn! Doing the test review! Er… I was doing it. But OMG as I was doing it, I could feel my brain shutting down… and I started to feel weaker… and I stopped being able to think… and I ended up skipping a ton of problems. Partly bc there were some I really couldn’t do (the stupid division stuff), but ALSO bc I couldn’t get enough energy to try attempting some of them…  Largely bc I knew I knew how to do some of thes I skipped, but since there are SO MANY of the same skills repeated over n over n over, I just couldn’t do it :/ I stayed this way for quite some time… I just floated in and out of focus, mostly. Would just get lost in my thoughts for a bit and then find my way back to staring at the paper in front of me. And then I’d get myself to get started again and the process would quickly repeat itself… eventually it dawned on me that it was likely caused by HUNGER. I considered eating more cup ramen. Even stuck my hand in my bag and reached for it… but then I stopped bc I realized I’d rather die than eat ANOTHER cup :I 

BUT THEN!!!!!! I remembered earlier as I was sitting in the lobby that I saw the guy who gave me a fork earlier bringing a whole CART full of snacks into the student org room!!! I immediately wanted to jump up and grab something when i saw it! But after he got everything inside, he closed the door… so… nothing for me… but an hour or two had passed by this point. And even if the door was still closed, if I left and walked around, I’d AT LEAST get a BREAK. So I got up and made my way around the coner… and the food pantry was OPEN YAY!! 🎉 I immediately headed towards the snacks! :3 I wanted pretzels bc I wanna dip ‘em in peanut butter! But… they were past their date… BOTH the sticks and regulars were :( as were the oreo packs… so that was sad…but! They had chips ahoy! Far from my favorite, but its *edible*. Annnnnnnnd NOT past its date! :D I also checked the granola bars and they were safe, too! Thank goodness! I was sad I don’t eat fruit snacks anymore, though…they should make a vegetarian version one day. Then I’ll GLADLY scarf them down like I used to :) 


But anyway!! Yah!!! I feel LOTS BETTER now!!! Like!!!! I don’t feel half dead anymore omg!!!! :)))) I don’t really want to do the test review still… but thats probably just cause I feel nervous about having to learn the stuff I don’t know before… tomorrow… which is a test day.. 👀 at this point, tho, idk, might just let myself be cooked for that particular concept. Haven’t decided yet.  

(update OMG PROFESSOR JUST SAID APPRENTLY SHE MADE A MISTAKE AND WE ACTUALLY DON’T NEED TO KNOW HOW TO DO THE LONG DIVISION STUFF AHHHHH THANK GOODNESS)

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

“And so I process grief by running from it
Until it finds me in the middle of the street
On a beautiful summer’s day”
11:06pm   [mon]   7/13/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Apple with peanut butter
Butter chicken
Popsicle! <3
Midnight rose aprium (i actually asked to try it! Mom cut me off a piece and I was freaking out as i brought it up to my mouth. Like kinda screaming and breathing harder and I had to force past that and put it in my mouth! I ticced a bit and screamed as I felt its skin touch my tounge and tasted it bc flavor was a bit intense... But not horrible! Tastes like a really earthy grape?) 

I feel bad. Very, very bad :( just sitting here wishing I was offered love even when I am not someone’s responsibility anymore. I feel sad bc I still feel like thats the only way to get it. Otherwise no one really ever pays attention to me. I wonder why that is. It really hurts my feelings, though. I don’t really like being hard to love naturally. That was pretty much the only good thing about being a kid. People are supposed to care about you and you are allowed to be upset when they don’t. But I figure that doesn’t exactly translate past that period of time. And I was already unloved for so long even when I wasn’t supposed to be.

So i have no reason to think that will ever change now that society is no longer expected to think of me that way. 
It kinda makes me think of that book quote. Where she said suffering and pain becomes bearable when you give love and receive love in return. But if I give (or atleast try to give) love and hardly ever receive any, where does that leave me? I am doomed I think :( I fear the only real source of love I feel at the moment is Joey. But he is too far away… and god I wish he wasn’t. I think I may have moved in already :( just wish I knew why I am so overlooked and unloveable. Would the reason atleast make sense? I just wish I didn’t have to overextend myself for love. I wish it came naturally. Without having to bait people for it. Bc now that will only serve to drive people away. So idek what to do anymore honestly. I just know I do not want to be alone like this anymore.

I almost escaped this by falling asleep but I thought Little bird needed water so I made myself get up and check. She didn’t… and now I am still awake and yapping about my doomed future of isolation. And fantasizing about food. That too :( I am hungry. But I can only eat spaghetti and apples rn… ‘cause theres not enough foods on the list here or everything else is family sized… but yknow if I was with Joey rn, I don’t think I’d be hungry :,( he’s better than my parents bc he never thought I was a freak for my weird food habits. And he actually wants to WORK WITH ME on getting over my aversions rather than shaming me for them or getting annoyed as if they were flaws. He actually cares about me :( whys he have to be so far away? 

This feels unfair. And makes me feel confused. I sometimes still feel confused when people emphasize showering their kids with love and attention when they’re young. Bc in my mind, I am and never was entitled to stuff like that. So it doesn’t quite click with me when I see it. I have been tempted to ask others why people have this mindset… but I think people would think I am weird for it and take it the wrong way. As if I was questioning if the kids deserve it rather than genuinely trying to figure out WHY they just get it handed to them. And I guess perhaps thats fair… bc I am a psych major looking to go into child or adolescent psych. So… perhaps that would sound a bit strange… even before I was a psych major, I was a child/adolescent-pysch-NERD. So I think maybe it was good to trust my gut there. In terms of social-safety, anyway.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so anxious so I could’ve [...] But its okay. My feelings were surprisingly kept under wraps as I wrote this out. Definitely pretty upset rn. But blocking most of it very nicely. So I’m okay.

Bbbbbbonus to further distract myself from dispair :) 

Junk!Drawer!
Journal number 13! 
(05/29/26 - current)

Play! Let’s play ‘till 1am!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[target dog on the target truck]
🐟︎  - 5pm    [sun]    5/31/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

We went to aunt t’s yesterday to give her some company because she had surgery! Idk for what, but it looked pretty uncomfy to be her right then. She was doing quite a bit of heavy coughing and said her throat sorta hurt :( know who else was there? Papa, grandama, and little cousion Delaney! I’d always been curious about her tbh. But I was nervous to approach her… I felt more comfy with littles when i first became interested in interacting with her, but I held back because i hate when people tell me when I've changed, remember? So I just tried to keep my distance. But yesterday was different… Don’t recall exactly what led to me being so open… but she asked to sit next to me and i said okay! It was a bit uncomfy because she was so close to me… she parked herself right next to my face because i was laying down. But its okay, i eventually got over it… she introduced me to a (kind of stupid looking?) game called “I am cat”. To tell you the truth, i had heard her bring it up before. But, y'know, too nervous to see what was going on when she’d play it with mom. 

Anyway, yeah, it was something i sat and watched her do for a while. It shocked me how many ads were coming up… :/ but what struck me the most was how weird little kids are… I mean, I'm telling you, the way she’d hop from conversation topic to conversation topic kinda threw me for a loop… okay, well, maybe that's actually normal for her development but i’m so NOT used to it. We hopped from game to game until she started asking me about what games are on my phone! So I get her on toca boca cooking and Drag’n’Boom. Y'know, the classics. she enjoyed toca boca cooking more! And frankly, I did, too. So we played that for like, 15 minutes :) then i got friggin’ bored :I so! An idea struck me! We can play some flash games!!! It took a second for me to figure out what type of game to pull up for her…. Because flashpoint is so huge.

But eventually we found our niche– talking angela games! Which she enjoyed but we had a very, very rocky start to it… because the game she reaaaally wanted to play was one of those games where you drag items around the house to clean it n’ stuff. But she’s, like, three years old, and wasn’t quite sure how to use the mousepad properly. Soooo I decided to teach her! I tried to explain to her several times that she could 1) use one finger to push down and another finger to drag at the same time or 2) she could use two hands to do the same thing. But both of these recommendations just never really seemed to hit the part of her brain that wanted to listen to advice???? Like, i’d repeat it several times because she kept getting upset and saying I should help her and I’d try to demonstrate it but it just never landed for some reason. Idk. maybe she just kept thinking i’d give in and i’d just play it for her like she asked me to over n’ over if she didn’t listen. But i stuck to my guns on that one :3
“Why won’t you help me? :(“
“I am helping you :) see? This is how you do it!”
“Can you do it?”
“Yes. But you’re the one who wants to play the game, right? So you gotta know how to do it :)”
“Nooo, can you just play the game already?”
“Nope.”
“Awwwww…”
There was a lot of that… but eventually she got better! Marginally… but better. I was surprised at my level of patience honestly. I did a pretty good job. Anyway, we eventually relocate to the table and after more trying to get me to play it myself, she rage quits and we go down a rabbit hole of talking angela games. Some games were doctor ones, some were scene builders (like furnishing a house by clicking a button, stuff like that), and there was a really dinky looking tom infinite runner game that she was horrible at. Y'know, on account of being three and not really understanding how arrow keys work. We stayed up till like, almost 1:30am playing. What I definitely think was the beginning of the end was the dinky puzzle talking tom game. It was another drag game and she once again tried to get me to play it for her. Which had been a pattern for several previous games. And it was also 1am?? So, yeah, I was ready to pack it up. But yeah, thats how that went :) 

Me & the wibbly-wobbly train :) 

   ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'I'll Draw Your Portrait'
  9:58am    [tues]    6/9/26

    ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I was forced to take the [train] today :( ‘cause aunt still has Cecil’s car and dad had to go to work and mom wasn’t home to begin with, so yknow. I really didn’t want to bc 1) I’d be surrounded by strangers who could touch me or rob me and 2) I know I’m not smart enough to really be navigating much of anything independently. But I didn’t complain ‘cause that wasn’t gonna change anything. Instead I just dpdr’d and felt sick with stress! Or maybe sick from not eating breakfast? Idk, either way we go to the first station place and dad stayed with me and coached me on how to do everything correctly for the 2nd or 3rd time. We waited together for the train for like, idk, 10 minutes and then I got on and that was that… The train didn’t move for like, another 10 minutes which was kinda annoying bc I was kinda bored and worried about not noticing when we’d end up at [station 2] and that a STRANGER WOULD SIT NEXT TO ME OR TRY TO ROB ME D: but luckily it started moving and nothing bad ended up happening to me :) I was annoyed at how wibbly-wobbly the train ride was, though. 

Anyway, yeah I get off at the [2nd] station and dad told me to call when I did. And good thing!! Bc I had no idea I needed to turn around and sit at the bus stops and not sit and wait for another train. So he instructs me to sit at the “bay 1” seating area for the busses bc thats what the app said to do but I don’t see anything titled “bay 1”??? So after walking around and looking at signs that don’t mean anything to me, I take another look at the app. Under the bus information it had a bus icon that said “222” right next to it! So… I just figured that that meant I need to get on bus 222! Which was very convenient bc that bus just so happened to already be waiting for me at the stop! so I hop on the bus. Dad is saying he’s not sure thats the right one but I decide to just take a seat anyway bc there wasn’t anyone in the driver’s seat for me to ask… The bus driver takes his seat. I try to call out to him to ask if this was the correct bus but he didn’t hear me and I was too nervous to go up and ask, so…

 dad starts looking through the app on his end and is like, “yeah… thats not it, ‘Lilah…”
“Oh…. Well thats not good. The bus is moving, so, y’know.” I was fully prepared to just sit there bc I kinda figured it was too late, yknow?? Which is kinda dumb bc we hadn’t even left the load-in area yet. Almost out but not yet.
“What the??? Delilah, say something, then!!”

I try to call out to him again. Nothing. I try again and he finally hears me!!! And thank goodness for that! He confirmed what dad had been saying, that it was the 373 bus and I gotta hop off to go catch it. Dad was a bit annoyed but I get off and wait until 373 came. Thankfully I have successfully made it to school without getting robbed! I was unhappy from the start about this, though, bc I’ll be here… till 5pm… :/ but its okay, I guess. Well, i’m definitely not okay with it but I mean it just is what it is. All of this made me almost forget I’m supposed to be studying rn… 

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Charming Chorus'
💊  & 📚✏️ - 12:22pm  [mon]  7/13/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Ramen noodle cup :( 
4 or 5 smarties
Apple without peanut butter :((( 
Apple WITH peanut butter :)))) 

Oooookay,,,, wow. Just ESCAPED tutorials. And I feeeeeel horrible… Idk if its bc I’m starving?? Or what?? But I feel BAD. I felt fine walking in and stuff like that but I very very quickly felt my brain turn into mush :( But I tried to persevere… mostly bc I had us get started on the take home quiz. And, yknow, it’s due in like 2 hours, so. But the bad feelings never really went away. Which was fine, I guess. Until we hit the dividing exponent things. Bc I thought I knew how to do them. …And I do not </3

So we spent, like, I don’t even know how long on this same on equation bc I kept forgetting the SAME steps even after she walked me through it two or three different times. And I eventually realized I was feeling very NOT ALL THERE. So I knew that at this point, my time working on the rest of this quiz was coming to a close :/ at the very least, I was going to need a break…  I kept going for quite some time, though, bc I didn’t want to give up, especially not after she’s put so much into trying to help me figure it out… but there came several times where I struggled not to cry as I was internally crashing out. And my not-all-there-ness was only getting worse… eventually we somehow get me to a correct answer. 
“Okay, make sure you take it slower and try the next one :)”
“...you cool if I take a zero on this?”
“Your choice, its your quiz :)”
Great! :) So I immediately started packing my bags. Bc it was getting impossible to do anything productive in the state I was in :/ so… idk. Not great bc theres a back page that I didn’t even realize was there. So,,,,,,, idk. But I doubt I’ll be able to get myself to go back in there… I think that’ll kill me. Which is really bad bc I need that energy for real math class. So I’ll just have to BS the rest of this stupid quiz I think. Oh well, such is life :( 

Aside from that, I actually did try to sign up for next semester’s accommodations yesterday. And it just literally would not work for some reason :I kept saying i can only have one request open at a time. Which is strange bc its my first one?? The only thing I could think of is when I applied last semester but why would that still be pending if I ghosted them? 👀 I figure its probably that, tho. My brain is absolutely fried rn so I will not be asking anyone about that yet bc I can’t handle that at the moment, sooooo yeah.

Annnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyway recently been getting back into Batten disease and the like :) watching some more documentaries n’ stuff. And! learning stuff about new ones I’d never heard about like KIF1A and SYNGAP1! From this cool new series called CNBC: The cure! I looooove it! Reminded me why I ever wanted to donate to ForeBatten n’ stuff like that in the first place :D 

Oh, and before school, I tried to get mom to teach me long division! She helped. But I still can’t do it. So.. I guess if I fail the test tomorrow, I’ll be able to say I tried I guess. Idk. Might give up. 

I’m cooked, aren’t I? Like, just in general? This is sad. I miss being allowed to be a useless failure already :( Just feel bad and not very good. Kinda feel doomed. And uncomfortable being here at school constantly surrounded by strangers… I want to just ditch my stuff and walk around or put my head down and stare at the floor but I don’t feel comfortable doing that at all rn… I also forgot to bring my bracelets.. So now I can still see my bones :(

I so BADLY want to pass this off to another person. I just can’t rn :( I’d… probably need to discuss things with therapy guy, first. But that could have so many,, like,, unintended consequences and stuff. But I know I will eventually… I have to. If not for me, then for my friend :( I just have to… if anything, that won’t be an option ‘till next semester at the least. And probably not even then. Ugh :( I wish things were easier sometimes. I wish it was acceptable to give up again. 

Should definitely get started on delilah info sheet summer 2026 soon, too, probably… yes… need to stop being so strict with myself

9:35pm 
7/12/26
It was insane, I was literally just thinking about amazon parrots and then all of a sudden I felt my brain pushing out a poem so I had to immediately start writing it down!!!! It took a bit for everything to shape up properly, but I think I really like this one omg :) Like??? Who knew I’d like writing poetry so much??? I don’t even like reading it that much!!! Wow :)  -

[uhhh... tw// for... harm to an animal, I guess????]

He plucked
He plucked until
The wind told him to stop
His bright 
Green
And purple feathers
Made him special
And loved
Until they lost their shine
And their luster
So he plucked them off
Off until they were littered all over
The cage floor
His scarred skin
Was visible
To all who passed
But no one
Spared him
Even a glance
The ones who used to care
Stopped by
They stopped by
To do nothing more than stare
Stare they did, directly at his face and bloodied chest
Before their lips lifted in disgust
Before they turned on their heels 
And scoffed
Asking themselves,
“How could we ever have found beauty in a nasty, dumb animal like you?
Your beak is tainted by your own blood
Your beauty has been ripped from your body by your own will
Good luck getting anywhere
Anywhere beyond the bars that hold you hostage
You cannot fly
Now that your beauty has been removed from you
From your body
From your soul
Should you ever find yourself
In the sky again,
Enjoying the view, the trees, and the wind,
Something will have gone wrong that day
So please
Please, horrible beast
Please stay in your cage
The day you escape
Will be a very horrible day”
And so the bird stayed
He remained in his cage
Until his feet
Bore blisters
Until his breaths grew short
Until his food ran empty
Until he joined the feathers on the floor
And then
And only then
Was he beautiful
Once more

Bonuts-donuts :) 🐿️
DELILAH INFORMATION SHEET 
🐁INTROSPECTION 🐁

ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐁་༘࿐How would I have handled a kid like me in school?
In my younger years of high school if i were asked this question, I undoubtedly would have a said ‘not’. As in, i would’ve let myself figure it out on my own. But knowing what i know about myself and what it looks like for kids in act out in school, I highly doubt that’d actually be my approach as a teacher now. Idk, I’d probably… probably try the relational-route :) thats my whole shtick after all. Definitely try to work on building relationship first to try to figure out the WHY and what we can do to fix it. If I stayed tight-lipped with teacher-me, at that point i’d probably take what I was able to gather from the intinal relationship building process and set up a meeting with parents probably

ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐁་༘࿐What have been the most challenging things in my time in school?
Hmmm… consistency I’d say. In that i don’t consistently put effort into things. Like how i boost my grades before its too late so i’ve ‘passed the class’ but couldn’t tell you how to do the majority of the concepts taught. Which makes everything worse cause then my gaps just get bigger. So i guess consistency and huge academic gaps (that are somewhat my fault) are my most challenging things.

ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐁་༘࿐how much fault do you believe actually does rest on you for failing in life?
Well… it’d be unrealistic to say none of it. I’ve played parts in it. Like how i deliberately avoided planning for my future because it made me feel so nervous. But of course there are all the mind problems i have… which is what makes me unable to give a clear answer. Cause to what extent is it my fault that even when i did actually feel okay that i chose not to participate in class bc i was unsure if it was worth it because i thought that the effort would be wasted bc i wasn’t sure i  even had a future?? Because someone should’ve been paying attention to get me out of that, yknow? So its situations like that where I struggle to place a big portion of the blame on me. Because i lack the skills to overcome much of anything because parents never saw the signs to take action. And the school system passed me along despite the fact that i literally couldn’t add. So… i really can’t say… definitely not gonna say im not part of the problem, though, don’t get me wrong.

𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐁་༘࿐What motivates me?
Getting to spend time with people I like for one thing :) hmmm, and snacks, definitely snacks. Snacks of high value like ice cream or candy n’ stuff. Or meals I’m not usually offered like Chipotle, yum!!

ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐁་༘࿐How does my current life differ from the one I imagined when I was younger? 
Honestly… not by much… I remember when I was like, ten, thinking to myself that I would grow older but nothing would change about me, that i’d be the same person years down the line. Which didn’t make me feel great actually. When i say ‘i’d be the same person’ i didn’t mean personality-wise or anything like that. I meant ability-wise i guess. I felt horribly incompetent then and still do now. And here we are, all those years later, still probably at the same level I was when I felt that way originally.