I’m struggling a bit at the moment and honestly just feel like I’m losing my daughter.

I want to tell the whole story because I don’t want to paint myself as the victim or leave out the parts where I’ve made mistakes.

Earlier this year my marriage ended after my wife discovered I’d been having an affair with a work colleague. I take full responsibility for that. It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, and I know the pain and damage it caused. I wasn’t a good husband, and I don’t expect anyone to defend my actions.

What I can’t come to terms with is feeling like I’m now losing my relationship with my daughter because of the mistakes I made in my marriage.

My daughter is five years old, and from the day she was born she has been my absolute world.

Before we separated, parenting was genuinely shared between the two of us. I wasn’t the dad who just played with her on weekends while Mum did everything else. We were both heavily involved in raising her, and if I’m being completely honest, I often felt like I was actually the more hands-on parent.

I did school drop-offs almost every morning, regularly picked her up from childcare, had her every Wednesday while my wife worked, shared bedtime routines, took her to swimming and dancing, and spent countless hours taking her to parks, building cubbies, reading books, doing arts and crafts and just being present in her everyday life.

Before everything blew up, our relationship was already breaking down and my wife and I had actually spoken several times about what would happen if we ever separated. Even though she knew about my recreational drug use, she repeatedly said we’d share our daughter’s care equally. On more than one occasion she even suggested a week-on, week-off arrangement.

We also discussed the possibility of her moving to Mildura (7 hours away from where we currently live) one day, where her sister currently lives. At the time, she reassured me she wouldn’t do that because she knew how much it would impact my relationship with our daughter. We both agreed that our daughter deserved to have both parents actively involved in her life.

Everything changed after the affair was discovered. In fact when finding out about the affair she sent me a message saying, “You will not be getting 50/50.”

From that point on, everything became legal.

There is an Intervention Order proceeding that is now likely to resolve without admissions, with my daughter being removed as a protected person. The parenting matter is still ongoing.

One of the biggest issues being raised against me is my recreational drug use, she is trying to make it out as if I have substance abuse issues and am dangerous which is entirely untrue.

The first time I ever used drugs was last year. Over roughly a 4 month period from

November until we separated in March, I used drugs on 6 occasions in total over roughly four months. Every single occasion was at music festivals or events. It was never around my daughter, never while I was caring for her and never impacted my parenting. It was entirely recreational and very occasional. I’m not trying to say that I’m not in the wrong, but I also don’t think it’s fair to portray me as someone with ongoing substance abuse issues or as a drug addict.

I’ve voluntarily undertaken hair follicle testing, with test results that should be coming back in a few weeks completely clean, and I’ve offered to continue drug testing if it provides reassurance that my daughter is safe in my care. Despite that, my ex’s solicitor continues referring to “long-term sobriety” without ever defining what that actually means. It honestly feels like every time I satisfy one requirement, another one appears.

At the moment, I still do not even have regular supervised visits with my daughter. In the past 140 days I’ve seen my Daughter for a total of 1.5 hours when I was given “permission” to attend her cheerleading competition a month ago. All other contact I’ve had with her during this period has been limited to video calls.

I’ve complied with everything that’s been asked of me. I’ve attended every visit, undertaken counselling, stopped using drugs completely, cooperated with testing and done everything I can to show that my daughter is safe with me. Yet I still feel like the goalposts keep moving.

The latest proposal from my ex has honestly broken me.

She now wants to relocate approximately 7 hours away to Mildura.

Her proposal would mean I see my daughter one weekend a month in Melbourne, one weekend a month in Mildura, some school holiday time and phone calls during the week. I would see her 4 days in every month. To me, that’s not being a father. That’s becoming someone she visits.

I wouldn’t be there for school drop-offs or pick-ups. I wouldn’t help with homework. I wouldn’t take her to extracurricular activities. I wouldn’t really be parenting her. I’d miss all of the ordinary moments that actually build a parent-child relationship. I feel like I’d stop being Dad and become someone she sees every now and then.

I will obviously not be accepting this proposal and be doing what I can to fight against the move. But I fear I’m just going to end up losing.

The hardest part is knowing this wasn’t always the plan. Before the affair, we both talked about sharing our daughter’s care equally if we separated. We both agreed that relocating away from the other parent wasn’t something we’d do.

Now it feels like everything has changed.

I know there’ll be people reading this thinking, “Well, you had an affair.”

They’re right. I did. I own that completely. But while I wasn’t a good husband, I have always been an amazing father.

My daughter has been my number one priority since the day she was born. I’ve always been active, involved and hands-on, and we’ve shared an incredibly close relationship. I have never done anything that would put her safety or wellbeing at risk, and I never would.

What scares me the most is that keeping us apart for so long is already affecting our relationship. Every month that goes by is another month of memories I don’t get to make with her, having a relationship through a screen has become the norm and I worry about the long-term impact that has on both of us.

I’m not posting this looking for sympathy or people to justify the affair. I’m looking for advice from dads who’ve walked a similar road.

Has anyone successfully opposed a relocation like this?

Has anyone gone from no time, to supervised time back to unsupervised or equal care?

Has anyone felt like the goalposts just kept moving no matter what they did?

Just any general advice on this situation would be greatly appreciated.

If you got this far thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

My kids are 4 and 7 and gaming used to be my main way to decompress. Now I get maybe 20 minutes before someone needs water, has a nightmare, or just wants to come sit on me and watch, which is honestly not the worst thing, but it still kills any momentum in a game that requires focus.

I tried staying up late after bedtime but then I'm wrecked the next day and a tired dad is a shorttempered dad. Learned that one the hard way. Mornings don't work either because the 4 year old has some kind of radar.

Started wondering if other dads just quietly let it go for a few years or if there's a way to actually carve out real time without it becoming a whole negotiation with your partner. My wife is supportive but I also don't want to be the guy disappearing into a room while she handles everything on a Saturday afternoon.

Curious what actually worked for people. Not looking for permission, just wondering if there's a realistic rhythm other dads landed on that doesn't require everyone else to sacrifice so you can play for an hour.

Here is my story: M(27) F(27)

I matched with a girl on Hinge early September last year hit things off immediately, texting every day I was like wow this is incredible - My birthday a week later in September took me to a new cinema and got me my favourite aftershave, paid for everything - I laughed and said are you love bombing me to which she said no I was being nice for your bday.

-Months go by, nice getaways to hotels, training together, great sex and everything felt perfect she told me I was the best thing ever so grateful and lucky she ended up with someone like me, she had a young son who was 9 and I did not meet in person - she said her ex bf who was practically the step dad of the kid left her 2 years ago and put her kid in therapy and she done some as well, in which she tells me all the things she wants in an ideal partner and I tick every box, I felt like this girl really understood me and I had met my person.

Now this is where the cracks start, she would mention how evil and hateful her ex (Together 6 years) was and mentioned he was in the same Tesco as her at xmas (live in local area) He was walking in and she was walking out - I said that's trippy never easy bumping into an ex - left it at that. Did not want to appear phased. Had a nice xmas met her Mum and her little sister things felt very good and often stayed with her and her mum when her son was at the kids dads. She also told me things like she was with someone and she was and they got back together after a year and she said things to him like go out and cheat if it makes you feel better because she was with someone else.

At end of February my Granny passed away unexpectedly - She mentioned how her ex BF did not let her into the after event when his granny passed away etc I just let her vent and was always understanding of what her ex put her through Granny passed away on Tuesday and then on Friday I met her Dad for the first time - Naturally stressed over my Grannys passing I did not drink - she did and was drunk off prosecco- On the trip down and home she basically played a FU to her ex song - and her dad mentioned she seen her ex and he looked rough - anyways, we drove home and I said to her this ex really hurt you and your son and hes like a ball and chain on your leg, he is in the past and if he was so bad he left you and your son in therapy be happy he's gone - she said she's 'over him just not the situation she put her and her son through' - when I said I wasn't happy she's mentioning him the week I am grieving the death of my grandparent she stone walled me - I left her house and drove home to regulate as I was with a previous GF who stonewalled me and it done a number on me and she was aware of this and also the heard week I had - she was drunk and proceeded to tell me I was never meeting her child and that was us done over text, I felt this was manipulative- We then sorted this out - half apology from her and from me I thought I needed to be more understanding of her situation and we told each other we love each other. But, I felt maybe selfishly she should have been understanding my Granny passed away that week and I wasn't in a headspace to listen about her ex who was so bad?

- The month after we had a great month done a charity 10K and had a nice getaway - I spoke to her son on the phone and on FaceTime over those few months we were together over xmas and when she was on a family holiday to New York - still no physical interaction I said it would be nice to meet your child as I have gotten him a birthday present and an Xmas one and we both know about each other and I am getting a bit frustrated of having to hide around the corner when we know about each other - Bare in mind I asked this respectfully and said no pressure I just need a plan as she said if I met him I could travel to Spain with her and her kid this summer and her graduation was coming up soon. The kid also told his biological father about me that Saturday as well - I did not mind as obv was in everyone's best interests I treated his son with respect and care

I was met with two days of silence - then seen her on the Saturday went to the gym all was fine, thought that was back on track and we said we would go to the cinema on the Wednesday and on the Tuesday I got a text telling me I was perfect, we have a laugh together but she feels 'something is missing' - and ended things with me over text after 7 months.

I did not reply for 3 weeks my family and friends told me not to and I deserved more than a break up text as I was blindsided and was constantly told I was the best person in the world and she was so lucky to have me, but when I mentioned maybe meeting her kid she turned so nasty and discarded me like I was nothing over text, when I did then text her to speak she then told me 'she loves me as a person but not in love with me' and I deserve better - I did not reply again, I was in such shock I feel so heartbroken how can she be all lovey then discarded over text? I noticed when I put her number into whatsapp she had no profile picture anymore and her messages were set to disappearing which makes me think her ex was back in the picture or hiding something? - Her tiktok reposts after were all things like when a man leaves your life build a comfortable life etc - except I never left her?

I have never been this hurt and blindsided before in my life, I wasnt even worth a conversation just felt so easily disposed when we had concerts etc to look forward to this summer and all I was worth was a text.

What do I do I am still incredibly in love with her - Its been 3 months nc and I have been attending therapy and gym but I still feel stuck

Not a rant, or a cry for help or anything, more of just a realization I've had since becoming a dad 8 weeks ago.

It hard sometimes, the pressure builds up - you know? Being a good husband, being a good father, providing for the family economically, dealing with an older only surviving parent as their sole caretaker, not having reliable or helpful in laws (though my sister in law lives with us and helps when she can). Trying to keep so many plates spinning and not disappointing anyone or failing in one aspect of your life.

For context I am an independent contractor and my income is 100% commission. I have made a good living the past 6 years and can't complain about our financial situation, though we have our stresses. Trying to balance working as much as I can to keep money coming in, while learning how to take care of a newborn, try to make an anniversary or milestone birthday special, and dealing with the needs of a failing older parent - and all my life as an adult I have never been the one to ask anyone for help.

And I'm not even really doing that now, or expecting it. It just weighs on you sometimes, realizing that at any moment if one of those parts of your responsibilities falters then the others may start to be harder as well as you pick yourself back up. I recently had an ER visit and thankfully avoided an expected surgery but I kept thinking, "What if my dad needs something while I'm here? While I'm laid up my wife will have to do 100% of the baby duty. What if I have a slow 3 months at work and make little to no money, considering all our bills?"

I repeat myself but I really can't complain - my dad actually visited me in the ER (which is ironic considering out last year) and my wife was ready to go with bringing me an overnight bag and handling the baby. It makes the burden feel less cumbersome when your people show up for you, especially when you don't need to ask. But maybe I'm realizing as well that I/we shouldn't let it get to the point where people can see without words that you need support.