you can take it down if this isn’t allowed but as someone whose whole life has been reduced to a spot on the couch and my bed, this is something i’ve had on my chest for years now and felt like i was going to be hated into the oblivion for saying this but i really do not care anymore. it angers me to my core when i see women (im a woman too btw) who have struggled, especially with endometriosis, trying so hard to get pregnant. and don’t even get me started on making posts about how upset they are by not being able to get pregnant and all the comments are people coddling them and giving them hope. you are a selfish person for having a child when you have a known genetic/hereditary condition ESPECIALLY when you are seeking out a way to become pregnant as natural ways are failing. your body is failing to become pregnant because you are not in an ideal position whatsoever to be having a child. your body is safeguarding your potential child from a life of suffering and pain. i am almost 21 years old- i left school at 14, cannot work due to pain, cannot attend college or do online because of the brain fog and how fried my brain is from all of the meds ive had thrown at me by drs who never properly tapered me off a single one, a medication for my nerve pain triggered an episode of psychosis that lasted at least a month and i am just beginning to feel like i’m coming back from it almost 7 years later, i had my dreams ripped away from me before they were ever even in my grasp, i have been broken and had to rebuild myself from the ground so many times, i have been abused by the medical system and individual doctors, ive had several attempts over the years simply to try and end my suffering, i have end of life plans at 20 fucking years old, i am attempting to see if i qualify for palliative care because my 61 and 59 year old parents are my main caregivers and my mom (61) only gets about 4-5 hours of sleep a night since they both work full time jobs as well to pay for everything, i frequently break down because of the guilt that i have because i feel like i am killing my parents, i have 0 friends, i had a 4.2 gpa and was in all honors and ap classes before i left school and now i struggle to form a full sentence most days, i have cPTSD, i am a shell of the person i once was and it breaks my heart because i admired her strength and tenacity and just everything about her so much. so yeah, it boils my blood when i see women who know this is a potential result due to their conditions- persist to have children even when their bodies say no. the only thing my mother was aware she could pass down was down syndrome since her sister had it- and guess what? she had an amniocentesis done to make sure i didn’t have downs and if i did, she was prepared to get an abortion because she didn’t want to birth someone into a life of suffering. she did everything she knew to do to avoid this situation-and there are so many women out there not caring about the fact they are bringing someone into this world who HAS to live through it?? it has always disgusted me how selfish people can be when they are already struggling themselves?!? i just had major surgery and whenever i am up to it, im having my tubes removed because i will never create a life born to suffer. idk if my brain has been too fried from all the meds or what lmfao cause how do SO many mf people think like this 😭

TLDR; as someone who has had their life ruined by genetic and hereditary diseases, it is so incredibly selfish to purposely try and get pregnant when you know you are a carrier.

I have been hospitalized since 6/22 with severe pain and a prolonged cough. They recently found staph pneumonia in my sputum and started antibiotics. The doctors also believe opioid-induced hyperalgesia is contributing to my pain. My IV opioid taper is over, and I am now only receiving oral medication, which has not consistently controlled the pain.

I currently have severe lower-to-mid left back pain, recurrent right outer-thigh nerve pain that may now be changing location, and major functional limitations. I still need assistance getting out of bed and using a bedside commode. I have also reported intermittent double vision, blurry vision, and a peripheral light in my left eye.

The hospital may discharge me tomorrow, but I have several unresolved safety issues:
I cannot reach my grandparents and do not know whether they are home or still out of state.

I still require assistance getting out of bed and toileting.

Someone would need to empty and clean the bedside commode.

A couch and heavy dresser must be moved before the hospital bed can be delivered.
Friends may be able to move the furniture, but this is not confirmed yet.

My mother and stepfather, who might otherwise help, are currently sick with respiratory symptoms.

I am being transported home by ambulance, but transport alone does not solve the lack of help once I arrive.

I see three possible options:

Go home tomorrow and hope the equipment and caregiving situation can be arranged.

Request a formal hospital-to-hospital
transfer for an independent reassessment. This would bypass a new ER evaluation, but my current doctor and records would be involved, and I worry the receiving hospital may simply accept Vanderbilt’s conclusions.

Accept discharge and seek care at another hospital, either going directly by ambulance or trying home first and calling another ambulance if I cannot function. I understand another ER might not admit me or offer a different pain plan.

Questions:

Would discharge be unsafe when I still require assistance transferring and do not have a confirmed caregiver at home?

Should I insist that PT/OT and case management document my current assistance needs before discharge?

Is a formal transfer the safest way to obtain an independent assessment, even though my current team will communicate with the receiving hospital?

What should I ask case management to document or arrange before I agree to leave?

Is there another option I am overlooking, such as short-term rehabilitation, skilled nursing, or delaying discharge until my home equipment and assistance are actually ready?

I am not asking for guaranteed IV medication or zero pain. I want a medically safe transition and a realistic plan that does not leave me unable to get out of bed, toilet, or care for myself once the ambulance leaves.

I’m just exhausted and in pain. There’s probably other words but I can’t find them.

I had to laugh when I started typing "is skin hurting a ..." and it autofilled ... side effect of [lists all my medications]

The funny/not funny part is that i thought it was one med, but it pointed to another.

The joys of being a chemistry experiment

In California, Governor Newsom passed a bill that says no pain management person can be refused medication if they use THC. Kaiser Permanente refuses to follow this, in fact, there is a lawsuit pending.

I have been on the same milligrams of pain medication for over 20 years. All the doctors do is add more pills that are not worth the side effects. Since marijuana is legal in California, I have been using that with my pain pill.

I signed a contract stating I would not use THC and have tested positive. I am so sick of going through this every six months. I have never tested positive for any other drug.

They would like to move me to a stronger medication. I can’t do that because I’m a young widow raising a child on my own. I have to be able to drive so I can pick my kid up and take him places. And no, I don’t smoke and drive.

I’m seriously considering joining the class action suit. I should have some say in my medication and my quality of life. Since I started using THC I’ve gone off of gabapentin and cut back on other medication.

I really love Kaiser, but I need a better quality of life. I’ve never heard of somebody overdosing on marijuana or marijuana causing them to overdose on their pills. I’ve been in pain management for well over 30 years.

Is anybody involved in this case?

Because the assholes in Washington DC couldn't renew the medicaid expansion, so now folks like me who can barely get by will have to volunteer 80 hours a month or make $500+. It doesn't help that the volunteer opportunities are drying up due to this admin cutting grant funding to the organizations that host these opportunities.

Like, fuck me right? They want folks like us to die.

Why can't running this subreddit count as volunteer hours???????

unnecessary context, feel free to skip
When I was 18 I perscribed 10mg cyclobenzaprine and took it for the first time before an appointment I was being driven too (dumb choice ik, I wasnt told it would make me so tired but I shouldve looked it up)
I fell asleep and ended up having to cancel my appointment due to the effects, obviously the person was upset but we didnt really talk about it.
She had an appointment at a near by mall and when we got there she made me get out of the car and go with her.
I was clearly intoxicated and was stumbling and ended up falling on her after the appointment (I wasnt with her during it, just waiting outside the business); she got really upset and raised her voice at me, saying I was high, that I "needed to stop", and that she "cant take me anywhere".
So she took me back to the car, still shouting at me, and we had an arguement.

I was wondering how to settle down my anxiety about taking it again? I dont have any other pain killers at the moment.

Since these types of posts helped me so much when I was deciding whether to start ketamine infusions, I figured I'd add my two cents for the next version of me who is trying to decide.

For context, I have chronic migraines and headaches 24/7. Bigger spikes are controlled by migraine medications, but I developed central sensitization syndrome from the constant pain. CSS is essentially a reaction to pain wherein your nervous system reads small stimuli as extreme pain, resulting in allodynia and hyperalgesia. Before starting ketamine, it felt like I had a full-body sunburn, with burning skin and extreme sensitivity to touch. Small pains like bumping a shin would send an extreme pain signal to my brain, making it very hard to filter any sensory input.

My neurologist first mentioned ketamine around a year ago, and I was stubborn and wanted to see if we could control it through scientifically accepted versions of treatment, rather than experimental treatment like ketamine. However, I threw in the towel in May of this year, and signed up with my pain management doctor (who is at the same practice as my neuro) to start trialing it.

Since ketamine is experimental, there are no defined protocols on how it is administered. Each provider creates their own methodology, but the general consensus is a ~45 minute infusion.

My pain management doctor's protocol is a weekly infusion for four weeks, then assess how you respond, and determine whether to continue with monthly infusions or otherwise adapt the treatment plan. Each session is $300, and includes 1:1 monitoring during the infusion.

First session: Ketamine, zofran, and versed. A portion of people have nausea, so they use Zofran. Versed is to sedate you to the point that any hallucinations don't bother you and keep you in the chair.

Second session: Ketamine, zofran, versed, and lidocaine. The amount of ketamine also scales up each session.

Third session: Ketamine, zofran, versed and a high dose of magnesium.

Fourth session: Ketamine, zofran, versed, lidocaine, and magnesium.

Ketamine is an hallucinogen, so it's expected that you'll hallucinate to some extent. I read that there are playlists built for listening to while using ketamine, but I just made a mix of calming music I enjoyed and listened to that. I'm dating myself a bit, but for those of you who remember the old Windows Media Player that would make colors pulse and dance to the music, that's basically what I experienced for the time I was receiving ketamine. Very chill overall.

Given the effects, they have you have a driver so they can discharge you while you're still slightly stoned. I felt more cogent than I did at discharge when having twilight sedation, but more out of it than just an anti-anxiety. I basically came home, ate, and slept.

As far as effects? After around dose two, I started having more energy. My skin pain and hypersensitivity disappeared. I was able to do things that previously would knock me into a flare without needing any recovery. I still suffer the daily headaches, but I've been able to actually figure out where the pain is coming from, and I'm doing PT to help reduce that (turns out hypermobility is a bitch).

As the weeks went on without treatment, I've started noticing the pain coming back. Today is a bit rough but I return tomorrow for starting monthly infusions. The dose is continuing to increase to see if we can make it last longer.

Overall, I'm very happy with it and kicking myself for putting myself through another year of pain rather than starting last year. But at least it works!

Went to pain management yesterday - got a refill of my scripts. YET AGAIN - another trip to CVS where the app says everything will be ready in a couple of hours and then I show up and they’re out of stock and have to order it. So now I have nothing while I wait for them, even though I’ve been on these meds for months and they KNOW I get them renewed every 30 days. I have this problem literally EVERY MONTH when I need to go pick up my scripts. Then when I talk to them about expediting the orders or getting them at another pharmacy, it seems like it would kill them to have an ounce of compassion, because I get the judgy looks and responses that make me feel like I’m some drug addict jonesing for pain meds. So annoyed with the system. So annoyed that I always have to go a little while without meds before their re-stock comes in and no one gives a fuck that I’m suffering in the meantime. Because they take one look at me and see a young person who “looks fine” so they don’t understand the urgency or real underlying issues. I hate thisssssss 🤬🤬🤬ok - ending rant now. Thanks for listening guys ❤️

Fibromyalgia does not count as I have had HCPs at world-renowned Centers of Excellence in Rheumatology tell me that they don’t believe in fibromyalgia as it is a wastebasket diagnosuis.

My scapula, neck and shoulders are full of muscle adhesions that spasm at the slightest movement; cervical and lumbar disc degeneration brings me a great deal of pain (L5-S1 fused several years ago with modest relief); chronic hip and ischial bursitis; and chronic migraine and TMJ. I have had this for two decades and have received numerous interventional pain procedures yet the pain and inflammation has persisted. None of my providers can explain why this is happening within me, just that they can only treat the symptoms of this mystery disease. I am just sick of having “unspecified, generalized pain condition” in my medical charts. Most people think it is in my head, don’t take me seriously or presume I am a drug seeker. Is anyone like me out there?

My doctor upped my dosage of pain medication. I was on methadone 10mg 4x per day. Now I’m on a total of 50mg per day.
Prescription insurance (Caremark) does not want to cover the full amount of 5 per day. They only cover up to 3 per day. My doctor filed an appeal that was denied. I am trying for a second level appeal. If that doesn’t work, I can file for an external review which means my company would determine whether or not insurance should cover that limit. I’m hesitant about doing an external review and having my employer find out about my medication and possibly using it as leverage somehow. I don’t put anything past these companies!
Alternatively, I either have to pay for it out of pocket or, my doctor will have to lower the amount and put me on something for in between.

The methadone has been amazing for my pain and I don’t want to reduce the amount as it has allowed me to work better and I’ve missed almost no days in the past couple months due to pain and/or flare ups.

Has anyone had something like this happen that could provide some feedback.

So im going to bite the bullet and go to my doctor again for chronic pain I've been experiencing again.

In short, in hand knees and toes and ribs, i get a deep ache, and it affects thi gs I do.

I went before but felt disheartened at the fact I didn't think she took me seriously or my pain and just gave me vitamin D.

Is there anything I can say or do to show her? I think it's more than a little something. I really feel there's a deeper issue and just felt like I was cast aside.

(Not like i wanna lie i don't i want yo just show her that I am actually in lots of pain)

Has anyone had positive results from amitriptyline or duloxetine for chronic pain after abdominal surgery? My doctor wants to prescribe one of them, but I'm hesitant about the side effects and their effect on pain. I'm also taking gabapentin and I'm wondering which of these two is more compatible with gabapentin.

Long story short I’ve had two OHS in the last 6 months and was wondering if there is anyone in this sub that’s had any and managing pain/chronic pain

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for advice for tapering off duloxetine. I had 30mg for 2 months but as it doesn’t work for me with too much side effects, I can stop it.

My psychiatrist and pain doctor told me to stop progressively BUT the pharmacy don’t have lower dose. It’s so much stupid ! Am I the only one to find it absurd as we know antidepressants have to be reduced slowly ?

Any way, how was your experience stopping duloxetine ?

Thanks

(Not looking for a diagnosis, just airing out my frustration).
I’ve (23F) have had lower abdominal pain for 3ish years now on and off. I’ve gone months with hardly any pain and months with pain every single day. I’ve been given no explanation for this except for “pelvic floor dysfunction” but that simply doesn’t make sense to me for the severity of pain I feel. I am fat so I realize ultrasounds may make it harder to observe my pelvic organs (I’ve lost 60lbs in 6 months so hopefully my upcoming ultrasound might give me an answer, more on that later) and I haven’t had a laparoscopy because I’ve been in school and almost every medical professional I’ve been to made me feel like I was overreacting and didn’t need one. I’ve had a colonoscopy, I’ve gone to gyno idk how many times, I’ve gone to Rhuematology. My only damn hints are my own pain, positive ANA and being told I’m hypermobile by a few physicians (my PCP said I probably couldn’t even get a genetic test for HEDs because I don’t have a family history BECAUSE IM ADOPTED)
I was starting to think this might be getting better because I was having far less flares and I was able to have intercourse with fairly minimal pain, until a few weeks ago when I very briefly did (stopped because I started feeling pain) and I have been in pain every single day since. I am miserable. I have never experienced constant pain like this in my life for this long. The last time it was this bad I had apparently a “minor UTI” (why the hell would I be 6/10 pain for a minor uti???) My abdomen feels bloated and hard, the only relief I get is while lying down and even that hardly works right now. Sitting up hurts and standing up is even worse as the pain radiates down my legs. I never take pain medication apart from anti inflammatories due to my birth parents abusing substances, but I took some today and the relief lasted probably two hours. The pain is reducing my already low appetite and I’m trying to lose weight in a healthy manner (recovering from an ED as well - 40 days in and doing pretty good so far!) but I can barely manage more than a meal and a few snacks a day. I’m getting an ultrasound soon due to elevated liver enzymes and my PCP ordered another autoimmune panel and hepatitis panel. I’m honestly so scared that something is seriously wrong with me. I’m praying for a mild diagnosis but it feels so fucked up i want to be diagnosed with anything at all. I just want this to go away. I’m also a bit worried about the weight loss because I’ve only been actively trying to lose weight for 2 months and yet I’ve lost 60lbs in 6??

I have been having worse and worse chronic pain in the last six months, in January I developed to Trigeminal Neuralgia and now I am trying to figure that out and working at a summer camp as a full-time camp counselor. I work/am on call 22 hours a day and I absolutely love my job, but it doesn’t give me very much time to deal with any of my chronic pain. I’m having a ton of trouble balancing it. I’ve also had POTS, Migraines, and chronic fatigue for the last few years, but every time a new thing stacks on top of those it feels like I have to start over again. I haven’t really been able to find anyone who knows anything about Trigeminal Neuralgia and it would be absolutely incredible. If I could hear from someone about what what has worked for them. I don’t want to quit my job and I don’t want to lose the friends but come with my job, but I’m really afraid that I’m gonna have to because I’m in too much pain to do it.

I’m at my lowest right now, it’s affecting me so bad mentally I wish it can just go away. I just hate this so much and no one around me would understand. I’m 27 I’m now really depressed and anxious. Does it ever really get better? how do you cope with what life used to be? How am I not supposed to feel this way when my body is not okay my therapist says to distract myself I have tried and tried even when I feel awful I try pushing through I’m just drained.

Hello kind people, 35 M here. Has anybody here recovered from tailbone pain or coccydonia? Looking for tips and personal anecdotes!

It’s been a year since I fell on my tailbone, fortunately there was no fracture, or dislocation, however, I ended up with two disc bulges at L4 and L5, and tailbone trauma.

The tailbone doesn’t hurt anymore, however I can’t sit for too long before the muscles tighten up and start hurting. I used to be a long distance runner, I can’t run anymore, that hurts the tail bone area in a deep visceral way.

I have been to PT, I do stretches(McGill) and pelvic floor exercises, and I have also started going to the gym, which fortunately has been pain free after a lot of adjustment.

For people who recovered from a similar problem:

1. What treatment or exercise made the biggest difference?
   
2. Did piriformis or hip-flexor stretching improve your sitting tolerance?
   
3. Did pelvic-floor physical therapy help, and did it involve internal assessment or treatment?
   
4. Did anyone benefit from shockwave therapy, injections or a coccyx specialist?

Thanks

I was recently diagnosed with a chronic spine injury and now I’m dealing with a fair amount of pain and exhaustion.

Anyway, I have a partner I really love, and they say they really love me, but he’s really lacking in empathy when I’m in pain and acts like he resents me.

He gets all quiet, moody, and distant. He never asks me how I am or if he can help in any way. If I make a moan or whimper, even the quietest one, he gets even more quiet and keeps himself distracted.

Just yesterday I was reaching into my closet and I felt my back go out and I just knew it was gonna be a bad bad day. All I said to him was “wow that hurt, I don’t think I can go to the gym today.” And what did he say? “You’re going to work right?”

That’s all he cared about, that I go to work. It’s like he is afraid that I’ll get fired and I know it’s because he thinks I’m faking. I remember he saw me making the bed when I was off work one day due to pain and he made a comment like “you can’t be in that much pain because you can make the bed”. I get pain from sustained positions like desk work, chopping/cooking, cleaning/bending over scrubbing, sitting too long, etc. And it’s movement that makes me feel better. Exercise. Yoga. Walking (sometimes). Just movement. But he has this old school idea that back pain means laid up in bed.

Anyway his comment about going to work really hurt my feelings and I haven’t stopped thinking about it.

When I think about it he’s always been this way. Whenever I have a cold or flu, he gets really grumpy and accuses me to of being in a bad mood. I tell him I’m not in a bad mood, I’m just sick, there’s a difference.

Anyway, I guess I could deal with his shitty attitude when it was a cold here and there. But now with a chronic back issue, and us both getting older, I’m wondering if it’s worth it to stay in this relationship. Like what if I get cancer and have to go on chemo, am I gonna get the same behaviour? What about for better or for worse? I feel like he only wants the former.

Anyway, I guess this was mainly a rant. But I would appreciate any suggestions on how to talk to him about all this. I’ve tried in the past but it’s obvious he just doesn’t get it. I need a new approach. Any tips?

And yeah I suspect I’ll get a ton of you should just leave him. We’ve been together 20 years so it’s not that simple. And I really love him. But know that I have been considering it lately.

i feel like at this point the pain itself isn’t even the biggest problem it’s the fatigue, the heaviness, feeling uncomfortable all over my body, and the ache deep inside my bones that just gets worse the more i push through

i need a break but i can’t get one i have appointments every day, i have to take care of my mum, or she just bothers me so much that i’m stuck in fight or flight constantly and never get to rest, i used to be able to do some things be able to keep going but that doesn’t work when it’s every day. i used to fast before leaving the house because eating makes me so sick and tired and my symptoms get so much worse, i used to wake up at a good time for me and try not to do anything too early but now i’ve got so many appointments early and no matter what i do waking up early causes a flare up or ruins my day, and i used to take breaks constantly and wouldn’t do anything that i didn’t have to, and rest for about three days before doing anything, but now i’m struggling to take breaks in the morning because it takes so long for me to even be able to move that by the time i can i’m rushing to get ready, and my mums unable and unwilling to look after me anymore so i have to do things for myself and for her that i struggle so hard to do, and i don’t get a single rest day anymore

and the worst part is i can even take it day by day because if i do even slightly too much one day i’m out of order for the next three to five days and have to push through even harder which can cause the worst flare ups i’ve ever had in my life

i feel like the more i push the the more my body forgets how to function and my brain just stops working, i can’t remember anything, i can’t remember how to speak, i get so confused, and i get stuck all the time it feels like my brain is drowning and i look insane because i’ll have no idea what people are talking about or talk gibberish or stutter and can’t think of what to say

i just don’t know what to do i can’t do this anymore but i can’t think of what i can do to help because atp even something as simple as my cat sitting next to me or my mum walking near my room makes me unable to function it’s like i freeze up and get so irritated and my brain and body malfunction, and i’m having to do things while feeling like i’m under water and held down by a weight my body doesn’t move it feels like i’m walking into a wall and like my arms are made of concrete

To exhausted to explain but in short, jump through hoops and all I've gotten is more pain from it and denials.

My health has only gone for the worst since finally getting Healthcare... It should be improving, I should be getting somewhere.

I shouldn't have to jump through hoops over and over again for basic freaking Healthcare. Especially ones I've already went through.

This is not how Healthcare should be.

Internal bleeding and pain but no, I can't have an MRI covered unless I go through physical therapy AGAIN when I just did it less than a year ago.

( Too much to put here but I need this vent. )

Might add more but I'm tired boss.

Hi everyone,
I (39F) have been living with some form of chronic pain for as long as I can remember, and I’m wondering if anyone else can relate.
In elementary school, it was debilitating migraines that kept me home from school. Once I hit puberty, it became migraines plus severe menstrual pain. At 16, I started experiencing unexplained abdominal pain that eventually led to having both my appendix and gallbladder removed.
In 2015, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. Since then, I’ve had multiple excision surgeries and eventually a total hysterectomy due to endometriosis and PCOS.
In 2017, I was officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Unfortunately, I’ve failed every medication I’ve tried for it. The one treatment that has helped the most has been lidocaine infusions, and after finally getting cardiac clearance, I’m scheduled to restart them tomorrow. I’m really hoping they provide some relief.
Lately, though, I’ve been struggling with something beyond just the physical pain. Living with pain day after day is exhausting, especially when a flare lasts well beyond a week.
I’d really love to hear from others who understand.
How have you found purpose or meaning while living with chronic pain?
What helps you cope mentally and emotionally during bad flare days?
What do you do when a flare just won’t let up?
How do you keep yourself from feeling discouraged or hopeless during long stretches of pain?
Have you found any non-medication strategies that genuinely make a difference?
If you’ve been dealing with chronic pain for years, what do you wish someone had told you early on?
Any advice, encouragement, or personal experiences would mean so much to me. Thank you for taking the time to read this. ❤️

I'm not blaming my pain but I'm noticing that when people steal peaches from my neighbor I get really upset. My fuse is getting shorter, It may be that I'm just getting older too. I've confronted a few, they always say Oh I thought this was a community tree. I've told them knock on the door ask before you take.

I’m not really ready to talk on here much, but I had to share :
So, the newest thing I have started to say to All the doctors, nurses, PT and mental health care, when they ask about my pain or mental health the answer is

“ can’t I seriously just be a house cat “

Cats get help fast, pain care is available to them, someone is there to bathe them & cut their nails, clean litter and hand them food and treats.

When a cat lays in bed it’s “ normal “ , “ sensitive “ to food no problem, there’s no one judging you for just hiding the day away, no questionnaire to fill out, no appointments to navigate and everyone loves you just as you are.

Ahhh the life of a cat 🐱🍀🌈

Actually got to see my surgeon. I had three disc in my neck fused on both sides in the front in January. Now I have to get c4-t1, so five disc, fused on the left and two screws inserted on two disc on the right. Surgery will be in about a month. He said it’s more painful and a harder recovery and longer stay in the hospital probably 2-3 days. Then I guess my mom can stay with me a few days but she can’t stay for an extended period so I’m afraid of when I’m home alone how will I be able to take care of myself because I barely can now. Plus it’ll probably lead to needing more surgery in the future. I already lost my ability to work, outside of my mom only one person really checks in and talks but she can’t really hang out due to her busy life, the smallest task shoot my pain up sky high and leave me exhausted, I’m bedridden 90% of the time. Only go to doctors appointment and my mom drives a hour to help me go to the grocery store. I’m completely alone and isolated so my major depressive disorder is terrible. I’ve had the same therapist for ten years. She knows me and how uncontrolled suicidal ideation is just a part of my bpd. Let me express it but it’s all good. Even she asked me multiple times if I was actually going to hurt myself. Music and concerts have been my one true passion, my place to belong since I was in middle school. I have to drive out of state for most so I had to give that up. Even shows in my town I could get to in like ten minutes I can’t stand or sit long enough. My favorite band, ones who’s music was the only thing that made me feel understood like someone else out there knows what it feels like, is from Sweden and rarely tours here. For reference last time was 2019. They are playing two shows in Ohio in September, so right in my recovery window. I had tickets for months because I didn’t foresee this surgery. Even had hotel room booked. Like I said I have no friends so now I can’t go to the one thing I was holding onto because no way I can drive four hours to Cleveland and then a day later two to Columbus and then two back. I’m only 38 have both hips replaced both si joints fused three disc in my neck fused on both sides of the front. Now I’m getting five in the back. I had to apply for disability luckily my 401k and the fact I can get disability payments through my old job are keeping money from being an issuefor right now. I just don’t see the point anymore. I could never destroy my mother like that but I just wish she’d tell me she understands and it’s ok for me to go. Sorry for the insanely long post. I just had to have somewhere to get it out. Thanks for all the support from you guys on previous post