Whenever I try to talk to my best friend about the challenges I face as a caregiver to my grandfather, she effectively tells me I could just stop doing it. She thinks she's being kind and supportive and usually says something like "Remember you always have choices". More recently, she has started to outright say: "You can always leave, you don't have to do this."

She's not wrong; of course I can leave, but I'm not going to. My grandfather is not abusive nor ungrateful; yes, the situation is incredibly difficult, but this is the card I've been dealt. Personally, I could not live with myself to look him in the eye and tell him I'm going to leave. If the time comes that he has to go into residential care, I still plan to continue caregiving as best I can.

My friend recently became pregnant with her first child, and now when she says, "You can always leave," I really have to bite my tongue because I want to say back: "I wonder if you would appreciate me telling you, 'You can always leave' when you come to me and tell me how hard you're finding parenting."

I think I'm upset because telling me that I can just leave isn't helpful; it shuts down the conversation and makes me feel lonelier than ever.

My wife and I have been caretaking my MIL since 2023 when she broke her hip, through recovery in our house, which sits on the same lot and only 50 feet away from her house. So no difference in some sense. But earlier this year she suffered a massive stroke and now she has bedsores and through threatment and constant watch and making sure she spends more time on her side. To reduce others from forming.

Ive never been more frightened by bedsores before, talking to others in the medical field, they mentioned how it happens and the lack of muscle as we age creates a rubbing between the diminishing skin and the bone, creating bedsores.

Googling the severely of bedsore was not something i knew, would scare the shit out of me, thought it was just something that happened to the elderly. Now I know better, and feel massive grief to those who suffer from them and those who get bedsores through neglect.

Honestly, its not easy, not easy being a caretaker. I am more of a support to my wife constant watch of her mom's condition but it's no less taxing. And none of my friends truly know what toll it takes.

Just wanted to share my feelings on this topic as a caretaker.

Dr. Oz in particular says home health services do what people's families should do for them, We know the realities of home health care and what it does to families, even with services. Medicaid cuts are already baked in for 2027. Talk to your congresspeople.

Thats it mostly - yesterday the hospice nurse officially declared Mom is in transition not just declining. Even before that announcement, for weeks Ive been so running on adrenalyne and worry and no sleep and the tension of being broke and navigating toxic relationships with other family that im just like, i feel like the ribbon inside a very old cassette tape. I had to force myself to clean the cabinet under the bathroom sink. It took 20 minutes then i was exhausted. Im just listening to moms breathing now but i cant get up to do anything else.

My mom has become very soft-spoken. Is there some kind of device or technology that might help?

I think it’s a combination of COPD, dementia, and maybe just habit. I feel bad because I have to ask her to repeat almost everything and sometimes pretend I heard. She can’t make conversation at her lunch table because of it. She’s seen a pulmonogist who says it’s not due to COPD after all, a speech therapist (she fired), and her regular doctor.

So my (33M) partner(43M) went to the hospital yesterday due to a concerning spot as he’s had sepsis before. Turns out that that turned into less of concern as he ended up having a NSTEMI heart attack. As of right now, given the mixture of all the health factors since he has a lot of different issues at play, they are checking to see if he’s a good candidate for open heart surgery. These past two days at the hospital have been so rough because he’s either so loopy on pain meds he’s not really there, in pain before the meds kick in, or asleep. Not to mention I’m the one clueing in folks and providing updates.

He’s had symptoms for weeks except for the chest and back pain that only happened recently. But almost every interaction we’ve had has had some form of health complication. Dizziness, stomach issues, etc. When we got together, I knew he needed a kidney and had some other complications but things have definitely gotten worse. I’m not mad at him but my anger and resentment need somewhere to go.

I made a post here the other day and deleted it because of course I felt bad. I’m sitting with him in the hospital hoping he eats a little. My therapist is going to get a fucking earful tomorrow morning, but he has been clued in to what’s up. Just fucking Christ the battery is at zero.

I am almost 90 and the only caregiver now for about a year. She is 85 and very delusional, disoriented ,sometimes agitated, frequently sundowning. Minimal medications, often constipated , but before the hospitalization able to walk enough for our home needs. She took care of her hygiene as well as going to bathroom. Fell about 4 times in past 2 months without any injury . She can be quite oppositional and that got her in trouble.

Now, after a month in the hospital and after several attempts at medicating her unsuccessfully we are faced by the dilemma. She barely walks with the help and the walker. She , of course , wants home. I dont think I can handle it even if we hire and aid , which is another story as I have a son in 60s who is bedbound in his house and refuses to go to a nursing home. Luckily we have a very reliable aid for him .I would try to manage day needs but the night needs are another story. Of course I am trying to take care of myself and wondering what would any of you guys do or recommend.

I prepped my mom's life for half a year, then handled everything when she went into care — admin, hiring workers, hospital runs, managing it all through her death and the year of estate work after. I was flying coast to coast, staying 3–6 weeks at a time, going home, rinse and repeat for about a year. My sister lives far away and did what she could from there, but the daily weight was mine. I also have a chronic health condition, so it took everything I had.

The real problem: my sister isn't cold or malicious — she just can't handle hard conversations. Tears, "give me examples," or it becomes about my tone. Her own family navigates around her reactions. So through the hardest years of my life, I learned to say nothing. Example: I'd tell her "the hospital trip was brutal, Mom wasn't well when we got back" and get "oh god, so stressful — okay, keep me posted. Did she eat?" Not cruel. Just nothing landing.

My brother-in-law was my main contact because he was easy to talk to. But tasks kept getting dropped and landing back on me, and they saw each one as a small thing without seeing the year they added up to. Any attempt to revisit it now gets "we already went over this" — like I'm a loop machine stuck on small stuff. Maybe. But those small things were carrying real weight at the time.

Near the end, they went ahead with a long-planned trip abroad. To be fair to them — timing was genuinely uncertain, nobody believed the doctor's estimate, and she rushed back within days and was there when Mom died a few days later. My sister loved our mom and she's a responsible person; the timing was just brutal, and it was never really talked about after. I was running on empty by then, and watching that trip happen while I held everything nearly broke me. I couldn't even find a way to say "please come" — too soft gets ignored, too strong starts a fight — so I stayed quiet. Honestly, the heaviest part of caregiving wasn't the admin. It was managing everything around her reactions while depleted.

Now it's over and I've pulled way back from the whole family — including her kids, who I miss badly. I even sent them gift packages, which everyone loved. But the parents have written their own story: "he just doesn't want to come around." The truth is I'm wrecked and was never able to say why. Avoiding her reactions has been the name of the game for years, and I'm tired of playing.

I've drafted a calm letter (no accusations, no response required) but haven't sent it.

For those who've lived this:

1. Did your family ever really understand what caregiving took out of you? Did explaining help — or just start a fight?
2. The things that hurt most look small a year later — how do you raise them without seeming petty?
3. With someone who crumbles under hard conversations — is a letter the way, or do you let it go and rebuild small?

Trying not to list every example — take the overall theme. Thoughts on any of it welcome. It sucks not being close to family because of all this esp after giving so much time to my family (well. my Mother )... thanks!

I'm trying to find some kind of tabletop clock that I can get for my grandmother. She has been having some memory problems lately, so I want to find one that I can control from my home or phone (while not being with her) to update remotely when I have to schedule/reschedule appointments, add things to a shopping list, set reminders, etc...

Ideally, I'm looking for one with a decent sized screen (slightly smaller than a regular iPad) that can display the date and time while idle. Also, it would need a wall outlet plug instead of a battery.

I know there is a big market full of different models, makes, brands, etc..., so I'm really looking for some recommendations. I've tried looking myself, but either can't find what I need or get too overwhelmed by options that I don't need/think she'd be confused by (she sometimes thinks her Alexa is malfunctioning when it has the yellow notification light and ends up unplugging it to "fix" it, even when I've told her numerous times how to clear it).

My best friend and her family cared for her grandmother, who had Alzheimer’s disease, for five years. She recently described an experience near the end of her grandmother’s life that sounded like what researchers call terminal lucidity.

Terminal lucidity refers to an unexpected return of mental clarity or meaningful communication in someone who has been severely cognitively impaired. A person with advanced dementia may suddenly recognize family members, speak coherently, recall names or memories, express affection, or briefly seem much more like the person they were before the disease progressed.

My mother is now in the moderate stage of dementia, so this subject is no longer abstract to me. I am trying to understand both the scientific research and what families have actually witnessed.

For those who cared for someone with Alzheimer’s disease or another form of dementia:

Did your loved one experience a sudden period of clarity or recognition?

What did you observe? Did they recognize people, recall memories, speak more clearly, or say something meaningful? How long did it last? Did it happen shortly before death, or did they continue living for some time afterward?

I am also interested in experiences that did not fit the familiar idea of a brief “rally” immediately before death.

Researchers sometimes use the broader term paradoxical lucidity, because unexpected lucid episodes do not always occur immediately before death. The science remains limited, and there is not yet a confirmed neurological explanation or a reliable way to predict when these episodes will occur.

Gilmore-Bykovskyi et al. (2025), “A Prospective Observational Study of Lucid Episodes in Advanced Dementia.” Tollock et al. (2025), “A Multi-Site Prospective Study of Paradoxical Lucidity in End-Stage Dementia.” Griffin et al. (2024), “Developing and Describing a Typology of Lucid Episodes in Persons With Late-Stage Dementia.”Karlawish et al. (2024), “Caregiver Accounts of Lucid Episodes in Persons With Advanced Dementia.”

I’m scared of how my desperation for this to be over just overwhelms everything else I feel these days. There’s a part of me that always wishes that today will be the last day, I’ll see them sleeping and will be hopeful that it’s the end, like I can’t see or feel anything beyond wanting desperately to be free from this heavy burden. I went from being full of empathy, hope, and action-oriented; now, many emergencies and 2 years later, I am fried to a crisp. I move about like a zombie; I keep my touch soft, to the point, and competent as I care, but I’m just depressed in the head. I don’t have any control over how and when this ends, but I’m in this impossible loop where that’s all I can seem to think about and seek answers for — how and when this will end.

Hi everyone, I’m a university student researching independent living and family caregiver support. I’m reaching out because I want to make sure my research is grounded in the real, day-to-day experiences of families rather than just reading textbooks. I’d love to ask some questions.
Thank you.

More conditions than just diabetics

Would book recommendations to help caregivers be considered advertising?

…and did I sleep last night? Of course not! Not since 3. Worse, my loved one was awake on and off since 3 am as well.

My LO has become less hardy and mobile since major surgery this spring. Meeting people out has become difficult to navigate. So I went all in mowing the lawn yesterday to prepare for two out of state lifelong friends who will visit at our home. I am sore, exhausted and still have to vacuum dust prepare. I did NOT need him stirring around before I had in my coffee. PLEASE JUST TEN MINUTES OF NOBODY IN MY FACE FOR MY FIRST CUP. He knows I am irritated. Thanks Universe for my reminder I am not an awesome person.

My husband’s friend has metastatic prostate cancer. He was living with his dad and then he left his dad’s house due to many reasons that I don’t know if I really understand. He then moved in with his mom and lived with her for a couple months but she said she couldn’t handle it and kicked him out. He’s now living with us for the past 5 months. He has gotten worse since living with us and is more fatigued. For the first month he lived with us he refused to shower and my husband had to talk with him since he did smell and was sitting on our furniture and it is very unhygienic. He was worried about getting his ports wet even though his nurse said that the bandages are waterproof and I even bought larger waterproof bandages to go over it. He finally agreed to shower once a week right before the nurse comes in case it gets wet. However, he has lost his medicaid and the nurse doesn’t come anymore. He hasn’t showered for the past 2 months. I went in to his room to wash his sheets when he was gone and was going to do his laundry but noticed no dirty clothes. I thought maybe his brother did his laundry when we were out of town even though that would have been a first and highly unlikely. I then went in a few days later and still no dirty clothes and I looked in his drawer and everything was folded exact same as before. So now he’s going on 3 weeks of not changing his clothes (including underwear). When he uses the bathroom there are brown spots on the seat. I told my husband he needs to talk to him. I know he’s very depressed. He has a brother that visits him maybe once a month and a son that has visited him twice since he’s been living with us so for 5 months saw him twice. I told him about a free support group but doesn’t seem interested and I talked to his brother and he tried to get him to see a therapist which he refuses as well. Anyone else been in a similar situation or has been very depressed like this while going through cancer? He’s only 48 years old. I’m very grossed out and frustrated that his family isn’t helping him. My husband has known him most of his life but they grew apart and haven’t hung out in years. He has 2 brothers but they both live in apartments with a roommate. His son is 23 and he lives in a studio apartment. I feel like they need to take him in and help him through this. I know I’m venting and if you’ve reached this far thanks for reading.

Also to add his has had 17 chemo treatments and is almost in remission but his number is still I think @5 so they have to continue with chemo till it reaches 0.

Hi, anyone here know the turn around time after you submit an application? I am planning on being the caregiver for my mother who is going on hospice. She wants to be at home and I need to be there since she is disabled. Will hospice expedite my application?

What are the programs that pay you to be a caregiver to someone? (E.g. IHSS). I looked up some in the past, but alas, don’t believe I qualify, but enough people have suggested (the idea of) them to me recently that I thought I’d ask. I’m in California.

Thinking of you, my fellow burned out, underappreciated, invisible caregivers…. I see you and I value you. You’re not invisible to me.