Hi so, I'm not officially diagnosed with BPD at least not just yet but I'm going through the process because it's suspected. And I thought it'd be a good idea to keep informed and It's made me feel terrible about myself.

It's very clear I have a favourite person and I was reading people's experiences and like everyone said it was horrible and exhausting being the FP for someone with BPD.

I care about my best friend extremely deeply and to hear that I might be horrible and exhausting is just not super reassuring. I want by best friend to enjoy spending time with me, I want him to be happy in the way he makes me happy and we've established clear boundaries together as to keep us both happy. I want him to want to talk to me because he enjoys to, not because he feels like he has to.

But everyone is saying that a healthy relationship is impossible? That I'm just guaranteed to be the worst person to interact with.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Is it possible to have a truly meaningful and healthy connection? I feel like the answer is yes but, idk it might be reassuring to hear it from others who may be in my situation? Thank you :)

How do I live with this disorder? Everything just feels too much, I don't know what to feel anymore. I am in just so much pain that I am seriously considering killing myself to relieve that pain. Please help me, show me a way to deal with this pain and this disorder.

I (25F) have been diagnosed for years with MDD and GAD. I have now been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. I recently noticed reoccurring things I do such as almost randomly get angry with him.

Ironically, what happened today was I asked him to complete a BPD self assessment with me to share our results. He shared his (no/low symptoms) and then texted "you can't diagnose yourself from online stuff". It was almost like my vision blacked out. I accused him of thinking I was stupid, repeatedly asked if he thought I would actually self diagnose. He repeatedly said he didn't mean me, he just meant in general self diagnosing is bad. I sent screenshots underlining his texts to prove how he actually meant that I diagnosed myself.

I told him multiple times I don't know why he's lying and that I know he actually did think I was self diagnosing. I told him to just come out and actually say it while he repeated he did not mean it that way.

I feel like I'm going crazy. This is only one instance of me acting this way. In the past I've gotten mad because I came home from work early and he was playing on his game and didn't immediately want to hang out with me. He works a different shift than me sometimes and when he tells me he has to work a different shift, I feel like someone's ripping my heart out. I don't know what's happening to me.

I always hold these emotions in, I have never lashed out at him and usually just isolate away because I don't want to argue. I usually avoid texting when I'm mad because I know how I can react, but this time I sent multiple paragraphs where I sound so paranoid.

* My results were very high, but I am not one to self diagnose

Yes, I am being somewhat serious because well, I hate to remember people that the reason I am not that close to everyone, the reason I get quiet if they get quiet suddenly, and the reason why I explode is because of this, my own mental health being a mess that I endure everyday. I never asked to have this disorder, yet, for some unexplainable reason, when I tell them I have bpd, they either get away from me, or isolate from me, which, i don't know what's worst in me, but, in any case, I hate that this cycle happens more than once.

I know, I know, I know something called accountability and trust exits, but, even in that, it always get wrong, so, yeah.. guess I'll do it (you can reply to me that if it's good or bad idea, I'll listen either way), because I am genuinely tired of this.

I love so much. I have a lot of passion inside me that encompasses everything. How i treat plants, animals, impulses like returning a shopping cart, picking up litter, putting things back if they are fallen. I see so much in people. I have so much love for the world and the fact i am alive. In a very romantic and cheesy way. I always do what I know is right. For everybody always

But what i specifically mean is how this manifests in relationships. I do everything i can. I constantly think of my partner. I forego my interests, I sacrifice my money, I do the little things, I keep notes of things they like, things about them, playlists of songs weve heard in media together organized by year of our relationship!

Whole entire games created with references to our memories.

Constant sending of videos and posts and pictures that remind me of them. Constant presence of my partner in my internal dialogue even when alone. Every single thing I do has them in mind. I remember stuff even they dont expect or forgot themselves. I only talk to them. I only am attracted to them (literally, physically, emotionally. Everybody else disappears)

And its not just infatuation. This lasts the entire relationship. Years! I dont hurt myself for them. I always make sure I am okay too. I LIKE loving them. Love is who I am. I have a self, and I enjoy dedicating it to them. It makes ME happy!

Why does nobody love like I do? Why is there always something else above me? Why does it always change with time? Why does it always fizzle out from them? Little gestures that stop happening. Promises that werent kept. Attention and love and care I never stopped providing, slowly isnt given to me anymore. Even without them realizing. Even with them realizing and not putting in effort to change it. Even when they still love me

Why? Does anyone else have this happen?

I love those double texts and even triple texts, I love those good mornings, goodnights, those how are you doing?, what do you think of this funny video? , what are you up to?, hey this reminded me of you, I wanted to send this to you because it made me think of you, hey I know you are busy but I’m thinking about you, hey I’m in a meeting right now but I snuck out for a little just to text you that I miss you, hopefully you are doing well, I hope your day is going okay and you are feeling better than last night, I know you are wanting to be alone tonight but I’m here whenever you want to talk, I can’t wait to talk to you and hear your voice, your laughter is my favorite thing in the world, all I have been thinking about is spending time with you, yesterday I had a really great time and Im already thinking about next time we hang out, you are my safe place, I love you, I noticed you are interested in this thing so I looked up what it is about so I can talk about it with you, I want to get into that TV series/video game because you are into it, I miss you so much

My strongest love language is words of affirmation lol
Most of these were things I would also love to say because I also love giving words of affirmation
No one is too busy that they can’t spare a few minutes to send a message of reassurance to the people they care about the most.
Man it’s been so lonely recently for me and I have been masking to be okay infront of most of my friends

Long story short, I (M25) have very few friends rn after moving last year... they are online that I met through an app, but a few of them I am genuinely closer to than people I grew up with. I know that sounds parasocial, but trust it ain't like that. When time comes at night that I have no one to text or call, I end up staying up all night because the loneliness hurts so bad that I don't even want to sleep, I chase distractions. On top of that it's unbelievably difficult not to get attached and it's messed up friendships of mine in the past so I am trying my hardest not to get attached to my one close friend. It's all just exhuasting. I have a psych and a therapist, but idk, nothing is helping me. Im starting school again in the fall so hopefully I meet people there, but yeah, I just pulled an all nighter because I got extremely depressed and lonely after hanging up with my friend. The irony of craving closeness yet being too afraid to get attached sucks. I also for whatever reason prefer being friends with women cuz idk, I think I associate them with being more of a safe space. Idk, these are my all nighter thoughts. This mental illness feels like it's gonna fucking kill me more and more everyday

When people are shitty to me i usually let it build up till it gets to a point where i attack them personally and their flaws. In my head they deserve it because of how shitty they are.
Example: had a manager that personally hated me, talked shit about my life, also was super mysoginist, racist, and homophobic.
When i quit i sent him a whole hate message calling him out on all this shit, but also attacking him personally such as he being fat , short, and the reason his ex doesn’t let him see his kid.
Another example: guy was playing with me and leaving me on read after lovebombing me and fucking me. I got angry and said “you are a fake fuckboy because you cant even get hard”
Worst of all examples: i called my ex an abusive piece of shit, wished he dies alone, also said he dick was small, and how my friends always told me he was way to ugly for me. (He treated me like garbage the whole relationship)

I think i am a nice person for the most part but when i get angry and people doing shitty things i get really personal. And in my head is justified but at the same time i feel like i am a shitty person for doing that.

P.s: please dont be to harsh on comments, i am genuinely not okay rn