I remember how excited I was when a psychologist first diagnosed me. It fit perfectly, everything was spot on. The DSM described me to a tee. It's funny how little time it took to give way to reality.

"There is no cure. You'll always have avoidance. It can be mitigated, but you cannot cure personality disorders." That's what every psychologist and psychiatrist I've seen since has told me, to a person. This is how I'll always be. The best I can hope for is fighting against avoidance every single day of my life, if I stay alive. What a fucking joke.

everything in my super fucked up "family" is falling apart and it's really making me realize that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. it's SO OBVIOUSLY my parents. i don't know how i didn't see it before. i somehow convinced myself i was a slightly spoiled and self-centred upper middle class kid who had gone through few hardships. HELL NO. i have been the victim of SEVERE PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE by both of my parents this entire time, and i'm pretty confident i'll return to who i really am once i'm out of this and have a chance to recover: a funny, charming, extroverted guy with real social skill.

i have been the mediator for hours-long, Ultimate Stakes fights between my parents since i was, like, FIVE. i vividly remember trying to convince my mom that life was worth living in a parking lot around age 10. my unempathetic, irresponsible, sexist, and rude father would provoke my mentally unstable, emotionally manipulative, and self-righteous mother into weeks-long fighting. that fighting would cause my mom to get extremely sick due to a very rare chronic illness that is not understood by doctors which causes strong emotions, whether positive or negative (but negative is worse) to have a direct and immediate effect on her health (severe nausea and vomiting, kidney stones, ulcers, failing kidneys, migraines, etc etc etc). she would blame this sickness on my father, cementing the idea in my head that one little social mistake can cause others extreme harm.

as i aged, i sympathized more and more with my "abuser" dad because my fucked-up empathy made him far more relatable to me, and because he didn't dump nearly as much toxic emotional shit on me. my mom and i started having agonizing fights. i began to slide simultaneously into the roles of abuser, protector, and caretaker of my mother.

the most socially damaging part of all of this was that i could never form a consistent personality. i had to constantly switch between "dad mode" and "mom mode", selectively supressing parts of my personality to keep the peace. around my dad, i could be relaxed and unfiltered, but rarely truly myself. being around him was relieving yet quite lonely. around my mom, i could be silly and vulnerable, but i had to walk on eggshells and keep my "narcissist side" in check. i began to believe in a deep way that there was something fundamentally immoral about me, and i would forever have to mask in order to function in society.

i do have a genuine empathy deficit and i have done many bad things (and not fulfilled many of my obligations) as a result of this. i will have to find out how much of my struggles are inherent to me and how much is the result of trauma... AWAY FROM THEM AND AWAY FROM THIS. the time is coming soon when i will be forced to become much more independent, and although i have plenty of fears about that, i am also partly excited.

Since past few mornings I have been bettering my routine, with meditation, yoga and gym and it honestly helps a lot to feel energized and happy, and ready to start the day.

But then the day progresses, I meet people, same insecurities cloud me, like people think I’m weird, or I have lost al connections.

I feel so angry at myself that I can’t just snap out of this and not living the life I want to be living.

Has anyone had any progress through therapy or other solutions? I really need to get rid of this disorder or at least control it so I can have a better life.

okay bear with me, strange question and i dont really know how to word it. for those of you whose avpd includes disliking your physical features, mainly your actual face:

when you look in the mirror, do you notice that you hate what you see because** you genuinely dont like it or do you hate what you see because of the fact ***its what people see?*

over the past few months ive had few moments where i see myself and i get this feeling of like “oh i actually look pretty, i wish it counted (?)” please tell me someone else understands what i mean. like i can ONLY be or feel “pretty” in my own mirror in my own home, alone. magically teleport me in the same moment to somewhere public etc, my confidence would dissapear.

like on some level, i am capable of using enough logic to determine i am not as ugly and unattractive as my brain convinces me i am. what i truly feel like i hate, and what im trying to see if anyone else relates to, is hating myself merely because of the fact its what people see. like “this is me. and im sorry for being me and having this face.” like my own face annoys me because i think about people being annoyed with me or not liking me and so they might find my face annoying - its things like that that make me not like my face. not my actual face itself (although, that too lol. but ive learned how to atleast not entirely despise it.)

If I change, will people be able to see that? Why do I even care so much about what others think

Around 2 months ago, I found out I was on probation when I went to check my grades. I kinda saw this one coming given that last semester I was doing so bad due to my avpd. I could not do my assignments at all and even attend class. Now, I’m facing the consequences of my actions and still haven’t found the guts to send in my appeal. It’s already enrollment season and I know I can’t keep putting it off or else I might not be able to actually enroll if I dont do it. To those who have been in probation before, what exactly do I put in my appeal? Is it worth mentioning how serious my mental health is affecting me?