How to handle a highly insulting elder in a culture where "adults are always right" without starting a family war?
I come from a traditional African family culture where age hierarchy is deeply respected, and seniors/elders are treated as if they are always right. Unfortunately, this dynamic has allowed some abusive people in our extended family to mistreat younger relatives with zero accountability.
The biggest bully in our extended family is my uncle (my aunt’s husband). He is incredibly insulting and disguises his malice as "jokes." For example:
I am gay, and he has publicly yelled at me, calling me a "sissy," only to laugh it off afterward.
He recently told my sister in front of dozens of people that ever since she got married, she has "lost her value" (using a highly offensive, specific term in our native language).
Whenever a younger adult finally snaps and responds with matching aggression or unkind words, the other elders immediately chime in to chastise the younger person for "disrespecting a senior." They never reprimand the bully. Instead, they defend him by saying "he was just playing" or "it was just a joke."
This has caused massive resentment. We end up fighting both the bully and our own parents at the same time. Even when the fight doesn't involve me directly—like when a cousin stands up to him—hearing my mother defend this man causes heated arguments between us later when I bring up the things he has said to me.
I already avoid family functions as much as possible, but total avoidance isn't always feasible. When I am stuck in the middle of these situations, I freeze and don't know how to protect my peace without escalating a massive shouting match.
Is a simple, flat "No comment" or complete silence enough when he targets me or relatives ask for my input?
How do you maintain personal boundaries and dignity in a culture where standing up for yourself is automatically labelled as "disrespect"?
What are some low-energy, polite, but firm exit strategies or phrases I can use in the moment?
Thank you in advance for any advice.