I am a 40 year old woman with diagnosed infertility. I wanted to be a mom for a long time and researched everything with donor eggs.

I recently pivoted to adoption and afoption from foster care. Why? Because I feel like at this big age I dont want to be 50 years old with a ten year old. I also wanted to give someone out there a chance. I have alot of support.

My husband wants to adopt an infant. He believes that there will be better attachment and bonding.

The thing is, I feel so guilty and stressed out we are not on the same page.

Update: After reading the comments I felt like I needed to post an update. I kind of did a quick vent, and didn't offer alot of comments. Some of the comments of course warrant that reaction. A few things.

1. Foster to Adopt: Foster to adopt is for children whose parental rights have been terminated. In a parent centric system, parents do chances to reunify with their child(ren). However, in some cases these children have lost parents and permanency and they are not able to return home.

2. Yes, I am infertile and there is no fix. I feel like the way I phrased it was triggering to some those who experienced something else.

3. The wanting to be a mother dosent mean automatic erasure. It can mean diffrent things to diffrent people. I do call people who are not my bio mom, "mom". Mothering means more than having a baby. Sometimes, you are one of many "mothers" in a "village".

4. The part that upsets me the most, if my husband did no freaking research. Like at all. Its just upsetting because of how much work and thought I put into adoption.

5. Adopting a kid is always a self assessment. You start with you, your house, and what you can handle. So yes, I am going to talk about myself. I viewed kind of the level of experience and support. I voiced not being able to be a physical. I play soccer and tag with the children in my family and then cook dinner from scratch. Can I do that at 50 or 60--maybe not.

I want to adopt sooooo bad. I know I have the resources and the finances to raise another child. I also know I can provide a child with a very loving home with siblings and pets. The fees associated with adoption is where my problem is. Are there any resources out there that would help?

Whew! Ok I understand now why people are against for profit adoption agencies. My intentions were not to upset anyone. 💜💜

I feel like I am really struggling mentally as an adult and I was basically wondering if anyone has had a similar experience? I am just now seeing so clearly that my mother has a really bad case of “I hate you, don’t leave me” and ever since I found out about my adoption, she’s been almost weaponizing the fact that “she saved me” in what seems to be a really pathetic yet effective way to make me feel guilty about being mad at her.

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I feel like I’m betraying my bio son.

To make a long story short, I placed my second child (my son) up for adoption at birth almost 2 years ago this September . It wasn’t really my choice. I never actually wanted to give him up but was in a bad relationship where I felt like I was coerced into placing him against my will. I regret my decision every day and still love my son as much as my daughter who I have custody of. I have a very open adoption so he knows me and my daughter.

My dilemma is, I have since gotten into a wonderful relationship. I have met a really great guy that I just got engaged to. He is such a good person and treats my daughter and I like princesses. He has met and adores my son who I placed for adoption as well. He really wants to have more children with me soon. On some level I want to as well. Im so happy I finally have a stable family and always wanted to have other children.

However , I feel like I would be completely betraying my son by having more kid(s) after placing him. If I had another child I’m worried he would grow up to wonder why I kept his siblings and not him.

The thought of having another child as well also brings up a lot of hard feelings for me about the adoption. I still feel deeply traumatized by the entire situation with my son and I’m worried that’s going to bring up those painful feelings. I still have days where I struggle because of what happened and actually feel suicidal because of giving him up when I didn’t want to. I worry I won’t be able to bond with another child because of how traumatizing it was for me to bond with my son just to give him up when I didn’t want to. It’s truly traumatized me at a level I can’t fully explain. My brain feels broken to the point where I feel this numbness and simultaneous dread about pregnancy and having another child even though I know that’s what I want deep down. I feel like trying to push my fiancé away because of the fear. I just don’t feel excited about the possibility of it like I should.

I want other kids but the thought of having another child makes me want to cry because of what I’ve lost. It hurts so much and I don’t think I’m over what happened. Nor will I ever be over it. I should be happy about getting engaged but I've actually been secretly depressed ever since. Not because I don't love my fiance but because the horrible cloud of trauma about what happened with my son.

For context. My specific situation that got me thinking of this is that while I'm not an adoptee, legally I was born without a registered father and just had my mom. Later my dad came into my life (technically a step father so you better understand it but this man raised me since I was a baby so it's just dad) and I changed my last name to his being legally "adopted" by him. My dad has a different cultural background than my mom, while we are all the same nationality he was raised closer to indigenous communities. And as an adult he has traveled literally all around the world, living in different countries for years. For his appearance he has been mistaken mostly as south asian because of his features and having a heavy accent. And one thing led to another in my head that got me thinking about cases where one or both adopted parents are from vastly different cultural backgrounds than their adopted child.

Now, I know about the white saviour complex, intentional or not so much, of many couples who have adopted children of foreign cultures to them because of their "exoticness". Is very sad to hear someone who has been denied reconnecting with their roots (or simply a part of themselves) because of forcefully adapting to a different environment. I've also heard cases that don't even necessarily involve adoption. Where the parents are from two different cultures and for the sake of assimilation or in worst cases, a sense of protection. They don't involve their child with one or the other culture.

I wanted to hear some opinions on this topic then. How do adoptees relate to their adopted parents cultures when it varies from their own origin? I also apologise in advance if any term I used is outdated or wrong for any reason so feel free to correct me. English is not my first language and I'm not used to the more technical language that is usually used in this type of topics. And there may be some terms lost in translation. But I am very curious to hear some thoughts!

Hi,

I recently discovered that my adoption may have been illegal and that I may have been unlawfully separated from my birth parents. I do not want to go into every detail here, but serious irregularities and potential criminal acts documented in my adoption file have been found.

After obtaining my adoption records from my country of origin, I discovered that my adoptive father provided false information about his profession to a notary in order to be approved to adopt. Several other elements also suggest that my adoptive parents may have been aware of inconsistencies surrounding my adoption.

My adoption documents state that I was a four-month-old premature baby at the time of my adoption. However, photographs from that period appear to show a much older child, as I was able to crawl and hold my head up. Additionally, until I was two years old, my adoptive parents did not record basic medical information such as my weight and height, and I seemingly only begin to appear in official records after the adoption was finalized.
Close family members told me that I arrived at the airport naked, wrapped only in a towel, without clothes or personal belongings, while being received on the tarmac.

My adoptive parents repeatedly told me that the adoption agency contacted them unexpectedly and informed them that I had suddenly arrived in their country. They said they had not been prepared and did not even have diapers or clothes for me, which they had to purchase immediately.

Taken together, these elements make me question whether my adoptive parents knew more about the circumstances of my adoption than they admitted.
I have not had contact with my adoptive parents for the past seven years. They were not able to provide me with a safe and healthy childhood environment. I experienced sexual abuse within my extended family (not by them), and my adoptive parents concealed what happened. I also experienced emotional and physical abuse during my childhood.

They also struggled financially, and I believe this may have been connected to the false information provided to the notary regarding my adoptive father’s profession.

I am looking for answers, but my adoptive parents do not answer my calls. I left a voicemail explaining that I was contacting them about my adoption, but they have not responded.

The only way to obtain the truth may be through legal channels. However, I am conflicted because they are still my family, and I do not know whether they were active participants in wrongdoing or whether they were also victims of the adoption system and its possible abuses.

I am seeking the truth and accountability, but I also want to understand the full context of what happened. Do you think this is something I should report to the justice system or inform the authorities about?

I can’t help but think that if they knew something was wrong with my adoption and had reported it, I might have been able to be reunited with my birth family as a child.

A few months ago I found my birth mom and we reconnected. I was originally born in Vietnam when she was 19 and was given up for adoption and was brought to the U.S. 26 years ago.

The whole process was recorded by this well-known Vietnamese Youtuber (lowkey very maury povich-like). Long story short, a few months ago we reconnected and took a DNA test that confirmed that she is indeed my birth mom. The reunion wasn’t as heartwarming as one would hope it to be. She hardly asked me about myself or about my parents and it was a little disheartening if I’m being honest. Even now, she mainly just asks me about my health and how my job is rather than actually getting to know me (though this may be a really Western-Centric POV).

I learned that she is very poor in Vietnam and sells lottery tickets for a living. She was married to a man who is not my birth dad (she doesn’t even like me asking about him) and had three kids but they are now separated.

A few months after we started talking she asked me for money to pay for my half-sister’s college tuition. I politely said no and then she didn’t reach out for a few weeks after. I was very hurt after this.

I know I am privileged, not wealthy, but definitely more well off than even those in certain parts of the U.S. But I don’t even know my sister’s name.

Back when we did the DNA test, it was a few hundred USD and I offered to pay it but she never even said thank you.

Fast forward to a few days ago. My youngest half-brother reached out to me and introduces himself. Cool, I get to talk to my sibling. My birth mom then asks me if I talked to my brother and I said yes. The next day she asks me for a few million dong for the sae brother’s tuition. My half-brother messaging me feels like a set-up and I can’t help but feel hurt.

Yes, I know it’s probably only $40 USD but I hardly know these people. I know I could very easily send $40 but it would still feel like I am being used as a piggy bank when they hardly even know me. Yes, they are my family by blood but they are basically strangers. I know it is a very selfish American POV.

I am not wealthy, but I am not poor and I admit I am pretty fortunate. I live with my elderly mom and help take care of her after my dad passed away but pay for almost everything myself except for rent. I know Asian culture in general is very different than the U.S and is very big on sending money to family abroad to take care of them. But they do not feel like family to me.

Everyone on the Youtube video (it was very popular in Vietnam) was saying now that we are reunited I can support my birth mom and maybe even sponsor her. My boyfriend’s family (who is Vietnamese) said I should give her some money.

It is not that I don’t feel sympathy for her position. I really do. And I should note that she seemed genuinely happy to find me after 26 years. But I also don’t want to give her money just to make her stop asking because I worry that it won’t and it just feels dirty overall. Advice? Insights? I’m trying really hard not to be an American a**hole but I also want to have boundaries and protect this very new and strange relationship and not complicate it with issues of money.

Thank you in advance!

I haven't really posted on reddit before, but I'm at a loss and just need some help.

We have fostered an amazing kiddo for the last two and half years after 4 previous failed fostering situations. We never intended on adopting, but her case fell apart and ended with the county terminating her parents rights. They appealed and we just found out it was denied.

We have fallen head over heels for her and so when she couldn't reunify with parents we offered to adopt. She agreed and wants us to adopt her. (We would never move forward without her full hearted agreement.) We are now working on everything needed to move forward with that process so she had legal and emotional stability.

Today they asked us what her name will be when we adopt for her birth certificate. First, I'm a bit weirded out they asked us and not her. Second, I asked to clarify what would change on her BC and they said her parents names would be removed and ours put there. That was a huge red flag because I don't want to erase her parents. They raised her for the first six years. They didn't meet the bar the county set for their kids* but that doesn't stop them from being her parents - full stop. My husband and I are in the parenting role and will love her without question, but plenty of divorced kids have multiple parents. We do calls with the maternal grandparents weekly, and if her parents could show they are safe to have contact we are open to therapudic visitation with them also after adoption.

I knew her BC would be changed, but I thought we could request it not be updated with our names. However our adoption worker is saying that is not the case. This is making me wonder what else I don't know about because I simply don't have the vocabulary or background. What questions should I be asking? How do I help make sure her parents aren't completely erased from her history?

TL;DR: My husband and I are adopting a 9 year old from foster care and I want to know what kinds of questions I should be asking the adoption worker.

* There are other siblings but they were separated due to very legitimate safety concerns between them. I'm not going into specifics but they are real. If they didn't exist we would have tried to bring all of the siblings into our home to be reunited. That said, we keep those sibling bonds as strong as we can. We see them at least once a month, often more. We are even going on vacation together so the kids can create memories like that. All of the foster (now adopting parents) are a tribe to one another without exception. The adoption will not change that. As they get therapy and heal from trauma we hope to do sleep overs and other such work to give them as much as we can.