Hello.
Tldr: mech E turned gamedev/programmer, need stable work before September, trying to find out my path.
This post is a bit of rant/cry for help type of thing so apologies if it impacts your mood, I know we get emotional over random shit and honestly if that's you then I would stop reading. I'm not in a good place in life and I'm trying to get myself to stop running in circles. I'm a male in my 30s. I need some guidance from people that have managed to get their ADHD under control.
First off I'm a self taught programmer with a mech engineering degree, my capstone work was in computational thermodynamics so I'm not entirely dumb, just partially fucking retarded, with a fried memory and a history of failed ventures/self launched businesses.
I LOVE problem solving, but where I am that isn't rewarded because marketing wins and I am an asshole and I suck at trying to study how to market myself, that and I am fundamentally depressed, I am functional to some degree but at this point in life I just want a stable gig so I can be able to read a book in peace without feeling guilty that "I'm not trying to make money" which is my intrusive thoughts 24/7.
Plus I've lacked modern world guidance, my dad is a retired accountant whose advice works for his era, my mother is an English teacher who helped me become the man that I am today, despite all of my shortcomings, but still, a teacher wouldn't have contact so much with the tech world so her guidance has been mostly trying to support me overcome my severe imposter syndrome.
Ever since I graduated my life's been a whirlwind of trying to get stable work vs trying to feel competent vs trying to provide for my family and being supportive of my siblings in a household that's well educated but knee deep in poverty/health/mental health/infighting issues.
I quit my first job (mechanical QA stuff) because I wouldn't sign off on something that wasn't up to standard/spec and I was threatened to be let go so I resigned on the spot. I can't really talk much about it. You guys understand I'm sure.
I never got into engineering work as a career because I kept thinking if I fuck up I'll hurt someone or many people. My field specifically focused on manufacturing, so steel production/fabrication/structural material manufacturing and all of that included.
This is fundamentally an idea in my mind that has been constant throughout the years which is why I basically shifted from mechanical work to gamedev stuff where if I fuck something up a cartoon or a game gets delayed, not people getting into harm's way.
As you can see, this had the problem of the lack of foresight.
Ever since then I've tried to get my own gigs off the ground and failed to do so because A) ADHD went undiagnosed for ages. B) Kept taking small time jobs for income so my job experience/history is fundamentally an incoherent mess that doesn't have an accumulation effect. And C) I thrive in an RnD/PoC environment where I'm asked to whip stuff out on the fly is what I'm good at, where it's automation or some kind of design which really aligns with my ADHD but it's also a hyperfocus thing so when I figure out the main technical challenge, it stops being uh fun?
And I sort of lose interest. Of course I finish things if I'm getting paid but you guys can see how "prototyper" isn't exactly a valid career path with what little experience I have.
But, I am fundamentally skilled at being what's known as a technical artist in game development (almost two years of experience with places in Europe and LA, and those dried out) + a few years freelancing but the competition is brutal, work is very little, and I am terrible at marketing myself or doing lead generation and whatnot.
Also, polishing work which is needed for this thing is a grueling aspect of it, and we don't have hubs here so remote work is all I can do and that's fundamentally why I'm poor.
The last two years of my life have been a turning point, I managed to get diagnosed twice, my first therapist had his head up his butt and when I told him about memory problems he suggested a notebook, at which I told him "I forget I have a notebook" and he just ignored what I said. Object permanence is a bitch.
I also for some reason am able to regulate myself and control my actions without meds much better after some intense introspection last October, but with the way things are going, I'm starting to lose momentum that I have had for some personal project that I wanted to publish.
I have stacks of notebooks that I forget I have even, and the one I currently write things on to help solidify ideas in my head as memories is something I constantly forget I have.
I've switched to writing things in obsidian, like a journal, but I remember to do that (and only have the will power to do that within the first three hours of getting my prescribed Ritalin 20mg, which is of terrible quality, and is now giving me fucking jitters and anxiety and nausea).
I've lived about 15 years in a pretty brutal place in the world so anxiety wasn't something so much on the radar up until three weeks ago when I noticed my Ritalin was making me more aware of it. Mainly because I'm desensitized and traumatized af.
I've been trying to find proper stable work for a while now. With the advent of AI, I am able to architect and design some pretty okay stuff with minimal friction for maintainability and code quality, I also read and review about 85% of the code the AI makes myself and write fixes myself. But again, I don't know how useful this shit is in a large scale production.
I HAVE managed to make some of my own forks in some FOSS software that I use, and I even sold a feature fork to someone, so I'm not entirely useless.
But the idea remains: I want to pivot to something stable, but I don't fucking know how. I'm constantly reevaluating my path, constantly skeptical of my decisions, constantly redirecting myself.
I've been thinking about traditional software work, but I know for sure I would absolutely fucking fail DSA interviews, I'm not traditionally trained, I know how to look things up and build them, I know how to think about software and patterns and making things function well.
But the last time I tried to sit my ass down and learn it well I did about a week of it and then forgot I was even doing that.
Any advice is highly appreciate.