Think any of these work in my favor? Brand new to the scene.

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When I went to Boy Scout Camp, I got teased because I cried for my mom. I know kids can be cruel, but to their scout master?

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Spiderman, because every day, I’d fantasize about my uncle dying.

My fourth grade report card was excellent, so my parents brought me to Chuck-E-Cheese. My fifth grade report card was even better, so they brought me back home.

One time, a psychic told me how I was going to die, and she pulled out a Glock.

“Do you think if giants played soccer, they’d be called FIFA FOFUM?”

My therapist told me “Joseph, live each day like your last”. Which was confusing, since I was suicidal.

I was in the city recently, and a woman on the corner told me she’d do anything for twenty dollars. So we went to my place, and I asked her for thirty

Apartment living is the worst. I’ve set up glue traps, spring traps, rat poison, and they still haven’t killed my landlord.

I'm blind, which means that everything I try to draw just ends up becoming abstract art.

Like one time, my friend told me to draw a dog, and when I was done, he said "that looks like something that someone would draw while on acid". maybe if someone gave me acid, it would give me better vision so I can draw what I want. They do say that drugs affect everyone differently.

I get the criticism over having a black actress play a mythological figure who was hatched from an egg because her mother was impregnated by a swan. A character like that, there’s really only one option to play her: Bjork.

My FBI agent doesn't watch me anymore. He's just waiting for the plot twist.

I told karma, "Do your worst."

Karma replied, "I'm waiting for your internet history to leak."

I don't fear being judged after I die. I'm more worried they'll put my search history on a projector.

I have the survival instincts of a Windows update.

"Now is a good time to restart."

"When I played college basketball, my nickname was "Mr. Three Pointer,"

...because I kept identifying the ugly people."

Everybody is worried about Chinese child labor, but has anyone ever considered those little bastards may want to work?

Cigarettes aren’t cheap

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

Be unemployed and broke

For me it’s between victims

Elon Musk said that in a few years, SpaceX will be worth more than the rest of the planet Earth. Wildfires in Canada, explosive diarrhea from lettuce, global environmental collapse...yeah, that tracks.

So this guy was like “Only Jesus can save you now”

And I was like “Jesus my cousin who died?”

I wasn’t joking but it sure gave him a good cackle before he continued shoving a broom up my ass

Absolutely nothing

I realized how old I am when we were watching the World Cup. 

The camera zooms in on celebrities and I go Who’s that?….camera zoom  Who’s that?  I have no idea who these people are.  My wife, gets excited, points, and shouts that’s Norm McDonald, thrilled that she’s more hip than me,  look, Norm McDonald!

I didn’t correct her.   Even I know ...he doesn’t like soccer.

*walking around the stage*

So i was at the circus the other day. Who here has been at the circus?*crowd hoots and hollers*

And what did i see at the circus? A clown! Who here has heard of clowns? *crowd hoots and hollers even louder.*

Funny fellas, these clowns.

Sometimes. they’ll have a pie and throw it at your face! *pausrs for laughter.*

Others. they’ll have a flower for you to sniff but it’ll shoot water in you’re face! *crowd is screaming with laughter now.*

But this time, the clown reached out a hand for me to shake. Now I am a gentleman so of course I shook it, and what do you know??? The clown had a buzzer in his hand and it electrocuted me! *does an uhuhuhuh sound while standing upright like I’m being shocked. the crowd is frothing at the mouth, crying with laughter.*

i said to him, “wow clown! that sure was a trick you had up your sleef!” and the clown honked his big red nose and then rode a unicycle away. *crowd begins to turn violent*

you’ve been a great audience thank you thank you *bows and walks off the stage.*

my friend and i were arguing about how to pronounce cerebral palsy i say it is serable palsy
and my friend says its (sa ree ball) palsy so i showed him a clip of a person with cerebral palsy saying serable palsy and i go see and he goes yeah but what do they know they have it

I got some good feedback on this one and for some reason it just keeps poking me. I've done some different punches. Referencing the numbers I used, could you give me your thoughts/ideas? I've left the setup alone, but feel free to help improve that as well. Thanks!

I knew pickleball was popular when I saw it in an ad for Cialis.

So I joined in with the rest of the old people and I’m glad I did.

1) If my game improves like I’m hoping, I think I’ll start playing pickleball.

OR

2) I don’t care too much about an erection, but if I get good at pickleball, acting in a TV ad would work better than Cialis.

OR

3) If I get good enough and they ask me to do a TV ad, I hope I can rise to the occasion.  The location shoot can last up to four hours.

OR

4) I love having an erection, when I’m on the court.

OR

5) I love being on the court…with an erection.

OR

6) My wife is sad that I have erections again....cuz they’re only on the pickleball court.

OR

7) If I get as good at pickleball as Cialis is at erections they might start calling me a banger.

OR

8) If I get as good at erections as I am at pickleball, I might just buy a claw footed bathtub.

You know, trying to fill her up winks at audience.

Give her the ol' in and out does that hand motion with my hand.

When all of a sudden this big fella walks on up to the pump next to me. I turn to give him a nice warm greeting as one does at the gas station when all of a sudden this guy just lets one rip. I'm talking the Big Bang of farts! I'm blown away. Luckily, I manage to grab hold of one of those concrete things that's at the end of the pumps. You know what I'm talking about. They're like a U but upside down. Maybe like an N? Like a lowercase n. And they're at both ends of the gas pump but not where you stand, it's like to prevent cars from running into the pumps I think maybe? Sometimes they might be metal. Do you all know what I'm talking about? Hang on, maybe a scetch would help. puts the mic down and walks over to a nearby white board and spends 5 minutes in complete silence scetching out a gas pump with the upside down u thing. Okay here. looks to the audience. Does this make sense now? Okay I'm seeing a few nods. So I was holding on to one of those so as to not be blown away by this really big FART! Eventually the fart gives way and I can stand on my own two feet again. I then turn to this big farting fella and say, "Jeez, fella! You're supposed to put the gas in YOUR car, not put gas uh, I guess well uh, all over everyone else's cars here with uh, your fart that you just had."

im not worried about it. i say bring it on. explosive diarrhea ? no problem. im an alcoholic, i havent had a solid poop since 2012

I'm a big dude.

I know... you can tell.

That ain't the damn joke.

But I've actually been trying you know.

I don't wanna end up on TLC yelling, "You don't know my life!"

...but fuck, I'm one burger away from it.

And I know it doesn't look like it yet, but I've been making changes.

Cooking at home. Meal prepping. Eating salads. More vegetables. Drinking water.

Really trying to be a better me.

...and what do I get for my efforts?

Cyclosporiasis.

From lettuce.

Lettuce!

The one food that's so healthy it practically apologizes for existing, the fucking evolved form of water!

I didn't get food poisoning from a gas station burrito.

Not from questionable sushi.

Not from that chicken that sat out just a little too long at the cookout.

No.

The healthy food tried to kill me.

And the sad part is.

It took me a week to realize something was wrong.

I'm sitting on the toilet thinking,

This is probably why skinny people are always pissed off...

This shit sucks.

I'm over here thinking this is just what health feels like.

Like, Damn... kale got hands.

But no.

It wasn't normal.

It was a fucking parasite.

From lettuce.

I've eaten two whole pizzas before.

My stomach just looked at me like,

Not your best work... but we'll get through this together.

One salad?

My intestines filed for bankruptcy.

I swear my body's got trust issues.

A double bacon cheeseburger walks in...

Body: Welcome back, king.

Lettuce walks in with a little vinaigrette...

Body: INTRUDER! EVACUATE EVERYTHING!

I'm fighting for my life...

Because of produce.

Do you know how disrespectful that is?

If I'm gonna spend three days glued to a toilet, I at least want the story to end with,

Yeah... I crushed twelve tacos and made some bad decisions.

Not

I was trying to eat healthy.

At this point, my doctor's gonna look at me and go,

You know what? Have you considered cheeseburgers? They seem to agree with you.

Eh heh heh heh…… well if I cannot be a gentlesir, than I shall have to be a clown I suppose……… an evil clown who society shall fear………… hehehehahaha yes!……………

Cause my girlfriend says I make sex feel like work

Except there’s no payoff at the end

He was a gay autistic, so he often imagined the autism spectrum as a rainbow. Instead of a leprechaun with a pot of gold at the end, it was a sassy Rainman with legos.

I volunteered at a local food bank.  And they assigned me to “recycle duty,” which is where you go outside and break down cardboard boxes.  Apparently I give off “cardboard energy.”  Anyway, I did such a good job, that they forgot I was out there. So finally, a security guard pulls up goes, “hey buddy, what are you doing out here?”  And I said, “volunteering.”  And he goes, “yeah, well, we don’t actually recycle any of this.”  And I was like, “what do you mean?”  He goes, “we just throw it all away.”  And then he points behind me and says, “also, Dollar General wants you to get all of this shit out of their dumpster.”