Three years ago I had an experience that completely changed my life, and despite multiple psychiatric admissions, I have never been given a clear explanation for what happened.
About two months before my first episode, I experienced a significant traumatic event. Then one day I took a very large hit of cannabis. Shortly afterwards, I lost consciousness.
While I was unconscious, I remember seeing a bright white light. I was completely calm and not frightened. At the same time, I experienced three childhood memories that I had never consciously remembered before. Whether they were real memories or not, I don’t know, but they felt completely real to me at the time. Those same three memories replayed over and over again in an endless loop. I eventually became aware that I was unconscious and felt as though I was fighting to wake myself up.
When I finally opened my eyes, everything changed.
Whatever my brain loaded in that first moment after waking became permanently stuck. The entire world froze like a paused movie. It wasn’t just that time felt slow. I could only see one single still frame of what was in front of me. The last movement I had seen would repeat endlessly, almost like a broken GIF. For example, if someone was moving their hand down in front of their face, I would only ever see the hand reach halfway before it instantly restarted from the beginning. It never completed the movement. It just repeated the exact same fragment over and over again. Nothing around me visually progressed beyond that point.
I couldn’t see new movement, I couldn’t experience the world updating, and I couldn’t tell that time was continuing. Internally, I think I still had some awareness of time, but it felt like the longest experience of my life. It genuinely felt as though I was trapped forever and that I would never escape. I became absolutely hysterical because I believed I was literally stuck in time.
I completely lost control of myself. I was screaming, became physically violent. my father drove to me and he literally thought i was dying and is traumatised by my panic. He restrained me into the boot of his car and drove me to emergency. My panic became so extreme that my heart went into supraventricular tachycardia (SVT). I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for weeks.
Months later, while completely sober and without using cannabis again, the exact same thing happened. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital again for weeks. Over time, I experienced the same episode a total of five times, even though only the first episode occurred after using cannabis.
Throughout my admissions, doctors considered multiple diagnoses. At different times I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, although this was later believed to be incorrect. I am not schizophrenic and have been off all mental health meds for 3 years now. I tried all of it too. Another doctor suggested catatonia. Eventually I was diagnosed with PTSD, but nobody could definitively explain what had caused the original episodes.
The only treatment I remember clearly helping during the episodes was benzodiazepines.
I have now been free from the full episodes for three years, but I continue to live in constant fear that they will return. I frequently experience sensations that make me feel as though the world is about to freeze again. Even though the episodes have not returned, those sensations immediately trigger intense panic because I believe I am about to become trapped again.
The experience itself has left me with severe PTSD. I avoid situations that remind me of the episode, including repetitive movements, long dark roads, plain hallways, swimming, literally ANYTHING repetitive. Those environments make me feel as though I am becoming stuck again and unable to move forward through time.
One of the biggest ongoing effects is that I cannot comfortably fall asleep in silence. Every night I sleep with a specific show playing in the background because hearing continuous dialogue, music, and scene changes reassures me that time is still moving. Without that constant sound, I become afraid that I am trapped again.
The most frightening part of all of this is not knowing what caused it. If the episode ever happened again, I know I would immediately lose control over both my mind and my body. I would become hysterical, scream as though I were dying, and would almost certainly need to be taken to hospital immediately. The complete loss of control and the feeling of being trapped forever was the most terrifying experience of my life, and even after three years without another full episode, I still live with the fear that it could happen again.