r/pics • u/sk8rznvrquit • 21h ago
[OC] Helping my dad in hospice through his last days.
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u/loztriforce 21h ago
I’m so sorry. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too.
It helped me that I had some audio of my dad’s voice. Maybe consider recording (video and/or audio) you asking him questions about his childhood, or things about when you were growing up that you would’ve been too young to understand.
Be sure to tell him how much you love him.
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u/Plane_Jacket_7251 20h ago
This is great advice. One of the saddest things I heard my kiddo say was that she wishes she could remember her grandma's voice. My mother in law was intebated when we saw her last.
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u/CobraJay45 20h ago
My dad died in December and when I was clearing out the 2-3x daily spam voicemails I get, I came across a voicemail from him he left me a couple months before he died where he said something like "hey bud, just wanted to see what you're up to, nothing in particular going on, just wanted to talk a bit. See ya." It broke me and I have only listened once since.
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u/night-theatre 20h ago
My wife got me a birthday video from friends and family for my 30th. My dad died a few days after recording it. It’s surreal and cerebral. Only listened to it twice in 4 years. Both on my birthday.
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u/hautboishippie 18h ago
Visited by the grief ninja. These come from relatively nowhere and just get you.
That had to be so hard, but it's really a lovely and loving remembrance.
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u/KittyTitties666 18h ago
I somehow lost my mom's last voicemail to me. I was really upset on one hand, but on the other her voice was very feeble and she sounded pained. I'm lucky to have some voice recordings and videos from before she was sick. It's just hard to lose the last of anything from someone who's gone.
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u/blackcain 16h ago
In India, we have a style of I suppose 'gospel' called Carnatic Music, it's very old, like 12th century. Anyways, there is song called Asai Mugam which recalls a man who forgot the face of his love. (and that could be wife, mother, etc) Your post reminds me of that. His lament is that over time he starts forgetting what they look like.
https://ilakea.blogspot.com/2012/04/translating-bharathiyaar-2-aasai-mugam.html
There was a really beautiful rendering of that song here, the style requires an ear to develop because it uses half tones. This is probably more of a western style, where the drama and emotion is amped up.
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Yg04_ME11Cg&si=pYpxuZKjUzlcr4DZ
Maybe it strikes a chord with you or anyone else who lost someone close to them.
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u/Ok-Bill-3938 19h ago
My Dad left me a voicemail the night he killed himself, the "Hey Buddy" is forever ingrained in to my memory.
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u/loztriforce 18h ago
I’m so sorry. Hope you’re doing ok.
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u/Ok-Bill-3938 18h ago
This was 16 years ago and i've had a good life so far, just had a son of my own, named after his Grandpa. Life is just hard sometimes.
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u/GetWellDuckDotCom 17h ago
Man. I lost my brother and carried it for many many years. Fell hard into drugs bad after having my daughter just overcome with anger and grief and just an inability to move on.
We have to let go. Fucking hurts but i had to let go to be happy. He wouldnt want you to be hurting
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u/Ok-Bill-3938 16h ago
Crazy enough after it happened I straightened up a lot. Focused in school, stayed out of trouble. Ended up joining the Navy and now have a great job that pays more than I ever thought I’d make. I still miss him everyday, especially when I think about how much he’d love playing with my son and how great of a Dad he was when I was growing up.
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u/Hogchief 17h ago
I can't even imagine. I lost a friend to suicide last year, he had two kids, your story makes me want to reach out to his wife, but I haven't talked to her in a long time and I'm terrified of how it will go.
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u/dfinberg 17h ago
Just plain and to the point, Hey, just was thinking of you today and wanted to touch base.
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u/Hogchief 16h ago
Thank you. The friend I lost meant a lot to me, I need the relief. If anyone is struggling look up your local vet center. I've been going for over a year and my counselor has helped me more than you could comprehend.
Thank you again for the slight push, I'll reach out to them. My friends birthday is coming up, a group of us get together to remember him. It hurts and feels good at the same time.
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u/Ok-Bill-3938 12h ago
Not sure the kids age but I love hearing stories from my Dads friends about what he was like going up. I was 14 when he died and only knew him as my Dad, it’s great to see others perspectives about what he was like and how good of a friend he was.
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u/OPA73 7h ago
I reconnected with a buddies wife and kids about 3 months after he took his own life. Years later the kids still call me Uncle and we go out to movies or sporting events. Even after his wife remarried she finds time occasionally to talk about Sam and thanks me for being the kids extra uncle. Reconnect and just offer up a bit of your time.
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u/jaycrips 18h ago
My dad’s modern phone broke one day, and all he had left was an older one without a screen, meaning he effectively didn’t have caller ID. You’d have to leave a message for him if you called and he’d do the same for you out of respect.
I don’t know why i started saving my messages from family, but I did, and because he always left messages, I have a good 20ish messages from him, all saved and backed up. I get to still hear his voice whenever I need.
It’s not enough. It will never be enough. But it’s more than most people get.
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u/Fantastic-Window236 19h ago
those spam calls really piss me off, imagine missing something important because of spam.
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u/Finnegan_Murphy 18h ago
My dad died two years ago on Father’s Day weekend. I had saved a voice mail on my phone from him and had protected it religiously. Something happened during a reset and I lost it, and it haunts me every day.
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u/Dawakat 18h ago
My uncle Eddie carries around a voicemail of my grandma from 2004 like the day before she died (his 60th ish birthday) and he played it at my cousin Steven’s funeral a few year back, it was wonderful to hear my grandmas voice again, someone who had been gone almost 20 years and hearing her voice took me back to being a kid. After that I started saving my parents voicemails in case something happens
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u/Iiucwpost 18h ago
Same here. I have a voice message from my brother wishing me HBD. I’ve downloaded and save it. It still hurts ….
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u/Warzone1904 7h ago
When my mother still had the strength I asked her if she could leave me a voicemail to help get me through my bad days. She left a couple for myself and for my daughters. I made build a bears for both my girls with the voicemails she left. If we don't have plans I like to head to Safeway to grab flowers on Sundays and head to visit her at the cemetery to clean around her gravestone. I sit there for about an hour, just talking to her and catching her up with how my girls been and how much we miss her. Some days I just sit there and listen to her old voicemails and have a good cry.
We don't go to church as much as we should, but us going to visit my mother on Sundays as become my church.
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u/SquashDue502 17h ago
I save voicemails every so often from my grandma for this very reason. I don’t want to forget her loving voice :)
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u/OriginalDaddy 18h ago
Echo this OP - take care of yourself and so sorry for what you’re going through.
Re the audio, even a decade later I will listen to voicemails from my Dad. It feels different now and depending on the day or my mood, I react differently. But it’s always nice to hear him say, “hey bud!”
Hope you get some real, honest, time with your Dad and get through the next chapter with a strong sense of love, understanding, strength, and thanks for being able spend this time with him.
Big hugs to ya.
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u/biancabiz 16h ago
And handwriting too. I miss seeing the way my Mom wrote. I’m sorry. You are a good child ❤️
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u/Iiucwpost 18h ago
Love this - record your conversations
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u/Impressive-Fly-4694 18h ago
Keep any and all voicemails and record conversations. I have a voicemail on my phone from my grandpa who was like my dad for my birthday a few years back. He died last year and we buried him on my birthday last year. I’ve only been able to listen to it once but it’s there when I’m able to grieve fully and miss him.
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u/mrbarrie421 18h ago
This. A friend of mine gave me this advice when it was a little too late and my Dad wasn’t very verbal but I did have a voicemail saved from one of my birthdays. It’s only been 5 months since he passed but it’s been helpful to remember what he sounds like.
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u/SafetyMan35 17h ago
My dad passed last year, but he was suffering from Alzheimer’s and dementia and mentally was gone for 4 months. In his final days I was talking to him and picking on my mom and he told me to “Watch It” which was one of his dad-isms.
Lost my Mother in law 25 years ago on my 30th birthday and lost my father and father in law last year 1 month apart.
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u/Evening-Resort-2256 16h ago
Occasionally, I pull up old voicemails just so I can hear my Dad’s voice. It’s been 5 years and I treasure hearing him.
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u/I_like_boxes 8h ago
I don't have anything of my dad's voice, but we recently held the memorial service for my grandpa (who died during the covid lockdowns, a year before my dad) and a family member played recordings of my grandpa and grandma answering questions about their lives. Grandpa's voice really reminded me of my dad. Did not expect that to hit so hard. One of my uncles also looks almost just like my dad, and he was there too.
I wish we had video of my dad, but he accidentally recorded over all of our childhood videos and no one thought to record anything in the years after that. Would have been nice to have those memories; even in his 40s, dementia was slowly but noticeably eating away at his personality.
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u/sk8rznvrquit 20h ago edited 5h ago
TLDR: My dad has stage 4 pancreatic cancer and is in decline while in hospice. I've primarily been the person taking care of him, and it's been rough. I've been really appreciative for all the help that I have gotten from the support around me. This has just been a crazy roller coaster.
February of 2025 my dad, who has been an alcoholic my entire adult life (34 years) had a seizure and needed to be rushed to the hospital. He was there for a couple days because the doctors wanted to run some additional tests on him. Come to find out that he was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer. I immediately contacted my family including my brothers, Uncle, Aunt, and cousin to let them know what was going on. My older brother flew up, some family came to the hospital to come see him, and he didn't seem to be too phased by the news. I had already been the individual taking care of my dad for a while. He has been on social security and Medicaid for almost a decade now, lives in a low income apartment, and doesn't understand the responsibility of having to pay bills. There is a lot of trauma and past drama between him and I that I really don't feel like dumping here, but let's just say he hasn't been the best father. November of 2024 he'd decided to get clean and stop drinking. For the few months that he was happy going to meetings made me so proud to see him like that. Then he got that news, and I wasn't going to him go through this alone.
The doctor told us how it was going to work. He would start on one type of treatment and that would eventually stop working and then start another treatment. That would also eventually stop working. The goal before both of those were to happen was to get shrinkage in the tumor and hope for surgery. He gave us a percentages which were already pretty low, but we were trying to stay positive and stick with the regiment. We got him on a diet, was getting exercise with him, and a nurse even gave him a Chihuahua puppy to keep him company around his apartment. Every other Monday we would go to his infusion appointment in the morning and spend the morning together. Just chatting about future plans. He will talk about wanting to go fishing with his grandkids, barbecue in the park wants the weather would get warm, and spend the holidays with the family. He seemed to be doing great for a few months, until just about fall of 2025. When is cancer progressed to stage 4, it's like my dad gave up. He started drinking again, letting addicts stay in his apartment and contracted a pest issue with cockroaches and bed bugs. I was so angry. I wanted to just scream at him because he turned back into the man that I had always saw him as. My mom passed a little over a decade ago very suddenly, so this has been a completely different experience as to how losing a parent was previously. She always told me that my dad was not a bad person, but that he had a sickness that he would let get the best of him, and I kept reminding myself of that. That. I did not want to leave him alone in this space and I swore that I would help him all the way through.
Come to May of this year. I was on vacation when my dad was rushed to the hospital because his hemoglobin was so low. He spent his birthday in the hospital and by the time I got back I had already looked at his MyChart and saw what had happened. The second treatment stopped working and is tumors were growing again. That meant it was time to move him to hospice. Since then it's been crazy how quickly he has declined. It's been so much more work and I don't have the resources alone to deal with this. I've had a great support around me though. Luckily. I hardly get sick so I have a lot of sick time built up in my job. Has been fine with me taking him to infusion and promises to continue to give me any support that they need. The hospice staff have been very helpful with this as well, but it seems to be happening so fast. I've had to start feeding him because he's too weak to get to the fridge. We've had to put diapers on him because he keeps having accidents in the bed. He feels so ashamed and refuses to ask for help. I was smart enough to get me to be his power of attorney for his medical and his financial fiduciary, so I'm able to help with making decisions with what to do next. He's been falling the last couple days, and Saturday I had to call the police to get access to his apartment cuz he couldn't get to the door and I thought he was dead. I don't know how much longer he's going to be around or what's going to happen, but I'm trying to stay positive and be happy that I have the time that I do with him. I'm trying to let go of all the resentment, the anger, and just let him be at peace. I don't want him to feel like he wasn't loved.
Sorry, dump over. Cancer sucks.
Edit: Sorry for all the grammatical errors. I talk-to-texted the second draft because I accidentally closed out of my app in the middle of my swapping mid type.
Edit 2: Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. It hard to bring this up to some people around me and I don't want to dampen the mood of people around me, but this has been a regular thing in my life for a while now. I really just needed some people to hear how I've been feeling, and I appreciate people here listening to me complain. 🩵
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u/b-elmurt 20h ago
I went through this almost exactly with my dad last November, he also had pancreatic cancer at 66. He ended up doing death with dignity a couple weeks after he couldnt walk anymore. So sorry your going through this, its the worst thing ive ever experienced. Im still on the hook for figuring out his financial situation and have no idea what im doing. Stay strong!
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u/sk8rznvrquit 20h ago
Thank for that.
That's what's stressing me out. I haven't figured the costs for his funeral yet, but considering how much it was for my mom it is going to be so much more. I'm hoping family can help pitch in, but I'm not holding my breath. My mantra through this whole process has been plan for the worst, hope for the best.
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u/b-elmurt 20h ago
My dad was cremated and it cost about 1.5k for everything, I still have his ashes and have not been ready to spread them anywhere yet. We did a celebration of life when he was still alive which I would recommend if thats something he would be up for.
Is he leaving you anything behind? If not dont worry about taxes or bills. My dad left me a small amount in an IRA. I talked to a estate attorney he said the CC companies can kick rocks but the taxes should be sorted.
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u/sk8rznvrquit 20h ago
Nothing that I am aware of. I plan to have his cremated as well and hold a ceremony. Even 3k could set me back significantly, so what ever I can afford and family help with is what we are going with.
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u/Practice_NO_with_me 19h ago
Please don’t sacrifice your life for his afterlife. Be frank with the various places you call. They will work with you. I paid $600 for my MIL tho that was 10 years ago. Anyone who does not contribute financially HAS NO SAY.
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u/wet_bag_of_noodles 18h ago
Please check around for cremation only funeral homes. I discovered them when dealing with my uncle earlier this year. Most places were charging around $2500. The cremation only home I found charged $800 total. It was still a lot, but way cheaper than I thought it was gonna be. I’m in Florida so there is a, um, larger industry here due to the retirees. But check around, the place I found ended up being a couple counties over. Green burial might also be a really good option if that’s available in your area. They are much cheaper.
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u/Dismal-Dare-2507 18h ago
What state are you in? Many have financial assistance burial and cremation assistance for families with a loved one who was on government assistance (Medicaid, SNAP, AND). Look into it now. Maybe even call 2-1-1 for help as well
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u/sk8rznvrquit 17h ago
Michigan. His social worker though hospice came through today and told us the options he has. It either he stays with family or he goes into a facility that can get him in. He hates the idea of being around strangers, but I don't know what else to do. I'm going to talk to my cousin about potentially allowing him to stay with her in her spare room, but if that doesn't work I'm at a loss
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u/Practice_NO_with_me 19h ago
My father was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few months ago. We also live in a death with dignity state and i am so grateful for it. Every time i remember how his sister passed in January in the hospital I remind myself that he will not have to do that.
How did you find the experience? He doesn’t want to do it at home and leave my mom with the memory which makes sense but we’re not sure where it will be then.
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u/Kanadark 19h ago
I'm in Canada, but we have MAID, which is similar. My dad opted for it in February and I'm so thankful it was option. It gave him some control and dignity at a time when cancer had taken both. In Canada, it is patient led, he decided the when and where and the physicians told him right up to the last moment that there were other options if he had any doubts. He did not. He passed incredibly peacefully at home, he just went to sleep and didn't wake up.
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u/Practice_NO_with_me 18h ago
I suspect my father will be the same given how he has talked my entire life about the importance of having this option. 100% about the value of having that control in time of controlling very little else.
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u/TheUpperHand 19h ago
Been there man. That’s all that I can say, I’ve been there. There’s nothing I can say or do to make you feel better but know that you’re not alone. My dad lost his voice for 2 months refused to go to the doctor, my mom finally took him to the hospital because he had other symptoms ( jaundice, white stool). He had cancer everywhere: lungs, pancreas, liver, stomach, bones, brain, everywhere. He had a seizure after his first chemo treatment. There was just no hope. He was in denial, talking about things he was going to do: my mom had retired a few months before and he was going to go on a vacation to the mountains before he passed, he was going to buy a new truck that was easier to get around in, ordered a pouch to keep all his medicine in in case they had to leave the house in a hurry in case of emergency. Just busying his mind against the inevitable. From diagnosis to passing was one month. He spent his last birthday in the hospital and was in hospice at home the last two weeks. Two things I’ll always remember: my daughters always used to come up with shows, they’d sing and dance for him since he was a captive audience. While he was taking morphine, he said he was having hallucinations of my daughter’s putting on a show. My mom asked him what type but he didn’t answer. My oldest does musical theater now and every time I see her on stage, I cry because I imagine how much he’d like to see it. He passed a year before her first stage performance. I’ll also remember how thin he was when I hugged him. When he’d pick me up from school as a kid, I’d run up and couldn’t even fit my arms half way around him. He smelled of grease, gasoline, dirt and sweat from work. The last time I hugged him, I could probably wrap my arms around him twice. He was always a strong guy but needed every bit of help he could get from me in adjusting in his chair. He’d just say “thank God, thank God for you and [my wife],” and told us to always take care of each other. I think of that horrible month every day of my life.
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u/Curdled_Mangasm 18h ago
me too. lonely road you will often second guess even though in the end there will be nobody left to critique your performance. making my eyes wet thinking about this.
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u/Old-Specialist-6706 18h ago
Lost my mom to pancreatic cancer in a very similar way, I knew right away looking at your Dad it was cancer and a bad one. Sorry you had to go through that, it’s so hard watching them die.
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u/RoseGoldRedditor 18h ago
I was in your shoes this time last year. Alcoholic dad on hospice with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, struggling with all the past and present while knowing there is no future. He was diagnosed late January and gone early August. He was (physically and mentally) the strongest person I’ve ever known, and seeing his rapid decline was staggering.
If I were to give my past self advice, it would be to be patient with myself and to make time and space to grieve. Right now you are doing the kindest possible thing you can for him; be kind to yourself for the next weeks and months. This type of grief is complex.
I wish I could say something more to help, but know that this stranger is sending you good thoughts.
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u/storm_235 18h ago
Lost my dad to pancreatic cancer too. I’m so sorry you’re both going through this but he’s lucky to have you there with him. Take care of yourself too.
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u/not-illiterate 20h ago
I feel you. I went through hospice with my lifelong alcoholic dad last year. Moved in with him and stayed until the end. Nothing fun about any of it. Make sure to reach out to your friends and/or support system for all of the hard emotions it brings up. You have all of my sympathies!
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u/sk8rznvrquit 19h ago
I have been trying very hard not be reclusive because I have had no energy to socialize. Most of the time by the time I get home it either doom scrolling reddit or YouTube. I haven't done my normal routines in what seems like forever, but I've recently been trying to get out and spend time with others again.
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u/assabove_sewbelow 19h ago
I’m so sorry, OP. My dad is an alcoholic too and after a hospital stay turned his lifestyle around only to get cancer everywhere 16 months later. I’m right behind you on this, I fear. Hope you have some good days left with him. Make sure you take care of you, too.
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u/Travelingbunny20 18h ago
You are a good person! I wish you and your father still some happy moments and peace and calmness on the other side!
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u/skeezeeE 18h ago
You are giving him such a gift to be with him in his final moments. Make sure you spend the time to say everything you ever wanted to say, ask the questions you wanted to ask, and find the closure that being able to speak with him affords you. Thank him for all the things you have from him - whatever that looks like. It is the hardest thing to watch someone slowly die right in front of you. Know that you will get through it - there is so much love in this world - and life is a team sport - so don’t bottle all of this up - talk to people about it and find a way to process it all - it is a heavy trip. Take care of yourself and make sure you sleep/eat/drink lots of water to keep your sanity and strength.
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u/Comfortable-Maybe183 18h ago
Sorry man. I dread the day I lose my dad.
As a recovering alcoholic I appreciate you writing this out. It serves as a good reminder of why to stay sober. One of the things that finally got me to quit was a friend who grew up with an alcoholic dad telling me “If I had a kid, I’d quit.”.
I have a son and don’t want to put him through something similar.
I’m sure his addiction caused you and him a lot of pain over the years. You’re a pretty incredible person for being by his side at this point. 🫡
Take care of yourself.
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u/nicholkola 19h ago
I’m so sorry. My uncle (who I had a better relationship with than my own dad) was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer August 2022 and then passed April 2023. It progressed so fast, it was neck breaking. Same scenario; they tried all the treatments but they stopped working. Eventually he resigned to just getting through day to day. He also had a little dog, who is now my dog.
No matter what happens, you’ll take comfort in the fact that you were there for him. I’m sure it’s hard given complex feelings about your dad, but you’re doing the right thing.
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u/pirate_elle 19h ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My Dad declined so rapidly too. I had no financial worries with his funeral though, so I can't even imagine the burden that adds. Talk to hospice about cremation costs. I'm sure they encounter this a lot. Sending you strength and peace for your dad.
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u/LarryGoldwater 17h ago
You are a good son or daughter. You have served him in his greatest need. God Bless you.
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u/unclecaruncle 16h ago
Can I just say that you are doing a stand-up job on such short notice.
As others have said, please remember to take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve. There is no rulebook that says what emotions you are allowed to feel, and no one should tell you that what you are feeling is wrong.
You want to be mad? Be mad. You want to laugh or feel happy for a moment? Let yourself. You may feel sad, numb, scared, relieved, or all of it at once. Let those emotions come, and try not to judge yourself for them.
Do not be afraid to express those feelings to your father, whether they are good, bad, or somewhere in between. You do not have to find the perfect words.
Death can be beautiful in some moments and terrifying in others. Just be present with him, and take each moment as it comes. There is no right or wrong. There just is.
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u/HankBuffalo 21h ago
I cannot imagine how hard this must be. Stay strong.
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u/nopuse 20h ago
Me either. I know it's inevitable. It keeps me up at night worrying about it.
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u/MYSTICALLMERMAID 19h ago
Im 34 and I've been crying about my dad's death since about 12. He's very much still alive and wilk be 72 next month lol (yes, I have ocd and starting therapy soon 😭💀)
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u/jaycrips 18h ago
If it helps, we’re the same age, I had the same sort of anxiety for the same amount of time, and my dad died at 71 last year, completely out of nowhere. So I can say from experience, it really Really REALLY fucking sucks. But at least I was prepared.
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u/nopuse 18h ago
I can relate all too well. I tried medicine for my stress and depression from my work and my parent's health a while back. It made me so tired that I couldn't function. It made everything worse. I feel therapy would also make things worse more than better. Like, I know it's going to happen, and talking about it is the last thing I want to do. I don't know. It sucks. Wishing you the best with your therapy! My uncle started therapy for completely unrelated reasons but similar, and I'm shocked by how much progress he's made. He's a different person, and he went through a few before finding the right one, and he was skeptical from the beginning. Best of luck, man.
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u/pizznokie 19h ago
My initial thought as well. Pops looks to be enjoying some tasty ice cream right now. Thoughts are with your family brother.
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u/thechapstickbandit 20h ago
Laugh with him, cry with him, live in the moment with him.
Went through this last year for my dad first then my mom. This picture was a kind reminder of how much love I poured into taking care of them in their last moments.
Take care yourself as well OP, don’t forget that.
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u/buddhist557 21h ago
Been there. As brutal as the hard moments can be, it’s a wonderful thing to be there for your loved ones at the end. Give yourself the proper credit for being a good person.
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u/AlverezYari 21h ago
Ouch OP. Love from me to you. I know its hard but you being a boss of son by walking with him through it. I just went through the same thing a few years ago, and you photo really brings me back. Be strong, you guys both have this.
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u/JuryokuNeko 20h ago
Went through the loss of a loved one recently, you've got this OP. It's going to be one of the hardest things you've ever got to do and this fight is going to try to break you. . . Stay strong fight with honor. Ask your questions while you can still get answers.
If he has any contacts or estranged children or siblings get all that information now, you don't want to be pulling tax records for Talkeetna Alaska looking for long lost children. My uncle's have never been formally informed because of that the estate was in probate for a year. A last will and testimate if one hasn't been done yet it can and should still be done.
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u/Lapcat420 20h ago
What's he watching?
I put on my dads favorite movie his last night with me. He looked at the TV and said "see that? Thats service" 🤣 I dont know if he realized I put it on or not.
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u/throwawayrefiguy 21h ago
Went through this with my mom a couple months ago. It still hurts so much.
I am so sorry, OP. Glad you can be there for him.
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u/Xacktastic 16h ago
Lost my mom to stage 4 colon cancer last month. It's still so surreal being here without her.
Much love
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u/CaCaYaga 20h ago
Also, try to get new stories out of him, take care of yourself, talk to someone and think about what you want to do in the future.
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u/dougbarrett 21h ago
I was just here not three months ago with my Dad. You’re incredibly strong to be going through this with him. Wishing you and your family strength and peace during this time, and that your dad transitions peacefully knowing you’re there for him.
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u/cookiesforchristmas 20h ago
Went through this with my dad during Christmastime. This photo made every single feeling come rushing back.
I hope that the two of you are enjoying spending time together, despite the circumstances.
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u/thesquidsquidly22 20h ago
Sorry op. I lost my dad in May after a stroke put him in a coma. He was in a coma for a week and a half before he passed. I wish he could have spoke to me during that time. Cherish the fact that you can converse with him. The pain will be unbearable and you will wonder how you can go on in life but somehow you will. It wont get easier, and you will have ok days and horrible days. The time when my dad was alive now feels like a dream. Now that he passed it feels like a nightmare I cant wake up from. All im left with is memories and the things and pieces of his life that were frozen in time. My condolences.
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u/Alarming_Dream_7837 21h ago
Sending love. We are currently sharing my grandma’s last hours through in-home hospice. Never expect to be here, please know you’re not alone, sending much love again.
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u/MilkCartonPhotoBomb 20h ago
Been there. Many of us have and will. Just take each day the best you can.
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u/rippa76 20h ago
My father shaved his father who was dying of leukemia. That intimate act of service stuck with my father 60+ years. I wish the same for you.
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u/therealdanhill 18h ago
I did my mom's nails about 48 hours before she passed, it was so hard for me but I'm glad I did it, it was the last time she was somewhat lucid, I'm thankful that the hospice nurse let me know to get over there ASAP because it was the last time I could have a real conversation with her. The nurse knew that where she was at in the course of things it wouldn't be much longer, that there was a kind of rebound effect.
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u/Wise-Dust3700 18h ago
My partner had to do this for her Dad four years ago in her family home.
Please don't take what he says in his final days to heart if he's struggling, there is always slips when it comes nearer to the end. Know that you are loved and please take care.
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u/BirdPerson107 17h ago
I’m sure this will get lost in the comments but I just went through this almost exactly one month ago. It was liver cancer, February I took him to the ER because he was throwing up blood. Over the next three months he was in and out of the hospital because they couldn’t give us a proper diagnosis. It was his liver the whole time, cancer got to it and spread like wild fire. Did home hospice for one week before he was gone, died June 12th. It’s been strange knowing he’s gone. We cremated him and had a nice service. I know you want to honor your dad properly, but these final moments with him just enjoy it, especially before he loses his ability to communicate.
I’m really sorry OP, no one should have to watch their loved ones suffer like this. It really is torturous and exhausting. Take care of yourself.
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u/Bouros 20h ago
What a weird fucking thing to post. Putting your dying dad online for internet points. WEIRD
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u/Anubis426 13h ago
“Hey dad since you’re dying you don’t mind if I post pictures of your last days to karma farm do you?”
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u/DanielBG 20h ago
This brings back memories. Same bed, same oxygen machine, same commode. Wish you all the strength and peace.
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u/Am_I_OK17 20h ago
I did in home hospice for both of my parents. It's terrible and beautiful. I'm so sorry.
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u/lotusblossom60 20h ago
I took care of both my parents as they passed. Hardest thing I’ve ever done, most import thing I will ever do. Bless you for being a caregiver.
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u/whoevenisanyone 19h ago
My mom passed when I was 4 from lung cancer. It was sad, but I can’t remember it. My aunt raised me and became my other “mom”, and we are so close that I call her every single day. She just got diagnosed with lung cancer, and I am beside myself. I’m just destroyed, lost and completely devastated. Seeing you pull through and care for your dad is his final days is pushing me to be strong like you. Thank you so much for this post. But, I’m so gutted for you. Take care, friend.
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u/warmkitsunesocks 16h ago
I am so sorry, OP.
I am a hospice grief counselor and I encourage you to ask the hospice agency about what their berravement program is like. Every agency may do things a little different, but at mine, I offer one-on-one counseling. Its free, given its part of the Medicare benefit and not many people take advantage of it when it really helps to have someone to just talk to and process the grief. Even as a grief counselor, I have my own to talk to in order to process losing my mom last year.
I believe we all deserve to have a safe space while we go through a life changing event so I'm open to talking if you'd like too. Please take care of yourself <3
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u/GrouchyDefinition463 15h ago
I was hopping from one hospital to the other while my daddy was dying. I was nursing at the children's hospital while he was at the other. Ppl were telling me to go home but I refused because why would I go away from him??? I sat with him while I was at work when nobody else could. I'm night shift so it was easier for me. I got the call the morning they said that it was it. I sat with him and watched him take his last breath. This was only last year. I still fall out over it from time to time. Only when I'm alone. Take it one day at a time
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u/Educational-Card-314 13h ago
Pulling for you, bud. I had to do this as well for my mother. My relationship with my mom was not like yours, but looking back on it, I have some perspective that I feel applies to a child caring for any dying parent. To be blunt, it's thankless and the only reward you get at the end is a dead parent. Your siblings will never know what this is like, but the people who have done this know and are with you in spirit.
The benefit is you get closer to your father than you ever have in your life. You will be closer to your father than his parents ever were to him and he closer to you than any of your siblings. Make memories in the time you have left. If he's up for it, have him record stories about his childhood. If you're up for it, have him record stories about your childhood and your siblings. He knows he is dying and hopefully this gives him some perspective.
Time to have an honest talk with the rest of your family, especially your siblings. You will eventually need to sort out the money for his funeral and burial/cremation. If your father hasn't already designated what he wants by way of a last will and testament, he needs to communicate his wishes to as many people as possible so there is no confusion. You should get an attorney to make a last will and testament and a living will/advance care directive, regardless of how small his estate is and how certain you are about what he wants. My family got torn in half after my uncle was in a coma because he did not have an advance care directive and everyone had their own idea of what they think he wanted.
If you haven't done so already, file for FMLA from your employer so that your leave is protected.
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u/therealdanhill 18h ago
The surreptitious framing leads me to believe you didn't have his permission to post this
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u/strangeflappenings 20h ago
Cherish the time you have left, and make sure you both laugh with each other as much as possible. The last moments being happy with him you will cherish more than anything. God bless.
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u/Eponack 20h ago
Did it three times. It’s hard, but they were great parents(and grandparent) and I have no regrets. But it did age me.
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u/peachpsycho 19h ago
Is that a Michigan M? If so, go blue! And very sorry you are going through this. Cannot imagine the pain you’re experiencing. Praying for happier and lighter days ahead for you
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u/timetotryagain29 19h ago
Do what I didn't do, record your conversations either on video or audio. Even the random ones
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u/pindborg 19h ago
Been there, 16 years ago. Impossible for them to really leave, think of my father all of the time. Be strong, I’m sorry.
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u/Illustrious_Ad_1808 18h ago
I'm glad that you're able to be there to support your father in the precious time he has left. My heart goes out to you both. Godspeed, and GO BLUE!
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u/Conscious_Exchange82 18h ago
I’m so sorry. I’m glad your father can be near a sunny window with a sweet dog nearby.
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u/androo89 18h ago
Enjoy ever second, minute and hour even though they are dark days. It was one of the hardest things I went through with my dad but I’d do anything to do it again…
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u/Spddracer 18h ago
I was charged with providing in home hospice for my late grandfather.
I did it wrong. My only regret in life as he gave me so much and I gave back nothing, in retrospect.
Enjoy this, Hug him, tell him you Love him, and thank him for the life you get to live.
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u/NickLoner 17h ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know how incredibly difficult it is. I had a very similar experience with my alcoholic dad when I was 35 in 2019. I took care of him when nobody else would after he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, even though he was never there for me. I just couldn't let him die alone. I know it's mentally exhausting, but you'll be glad you were there for him in the end.
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u/eventualhorizo 17h ago
Love to you man. I've taken care of a parent for 13 years. I'm fucking terrified of the end. Just... sending love and light your way.
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u/Hogchief 17h ago
I went through this with my dad. Brain cancer sucks. He went from building things and tinkering with projects to bedridden in hospice in what seems like overnight. I wish I could see him one more time, hope you can find some enjoyment in these last few days.
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u/Suspicious_Hotel_908 17h ago
Been there and this shit is beyond traumatic. I've not been the same since and it's been 6 years.
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u/TheWarDoctor 17h ago
My dad barely made it a few days in hospice, spent most of them drugged up to calm the anxiety, and I wasn't able to see him before he passed.
You are doing a good thing. Tough, but good. As horrible as it sounds I envy you in getting to be a part of his last days, my chance was wasted before I knew it.
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u/nukez 16h ago edited 16h ago
It sucks, its painful for you but the guilt of burden is 10x for him, you are learning to be patient and what unconditional love really means.
If he is fully conscious speak about everything, give and receive forgiveness for any old thorns. The days will only get harder, there will be really bad days where you'll feel like walking away from that room and never turn back, there's going to be days where either the pain or medications make him say hurtful things, it's not evil, just pain looking for an outlet. Take a deep breath, go for a walk, do something fun, don't forget to take care of yourself.
When the heavy meds come into the picture it will be like he's not really there, but he is, so you do the talking, if you have fun stories of when he was raising you tell them in all the detail, tell him the things you are thankful for, and if you don't have many of those, talk to him about the things he missed and how you hope to live the rest of your life.
If he has a craving a treat and there's no physiological/medical barrier, go get it for him. Something simple like a donut or a cheeseburger will make his day.
It wont make sense now, but It's a blessing disguised as a gut punch, you get to say goodbye, he will likely not die alone.
I took care of my dad for his last 5 years, it aged me but I am thankful I got the time with him, even after all that there where things left unsaid and that hurts a whole lot more than the loss
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u/Xacktastic 16h ago
Just went through this with my mom. 9 months of chemo then a month of hospice. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life by far.
Stay strong, my friend.
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u/shingodemir 16h ago
Make sure to take care of yourself and cherish what time you do have with your dad. I lost mine during early covid due to a brain bleed and complications getting into a hospital. My family got a 1 hour window to see him when we decided to let him go. The months we were given hopeful updates, only for them to be dashed once he was moved to another location and told he never improved were hell.
When I'm feeling down, I listen to the song Walk by Foo Fighters. It's a special song to me because he made me turn the channel back to the music video for it. It was the one time we both shared an interest in something that wasn't the Last Airbender.
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u/Schmelbell 15h ago
It’s okay to breakdown sometimes. I was a solo caretaker for my dad. No one stopped to give me suggestions as how to move him. So when he didn’t have a piss bag hooked up, I had to clean him. He was a heavy dude and every time I would lift or move him he would shout in pain.
Then came the meds every three hours. Sleeping in a chair. Eventually I broke down crying at his bedside apologizing and trying to explain I’m doing my best. He was out of it, so i doubt he heard much of it, but it helped me to have that pressure release.
You have to do your best to be okay so you can help others.
You do have the benefit of time and knowing things are coming to an end. When I was helping my dad he said, “ son, i love you more than you’ll ever know.” And he said it on several occasions. Finally I looked at him and said “I think I know dad.” Had to be one of the most beautiful exchanges in our relationship. Everything sucks with hospice, but time is a resource you still have. Whether it be sitting and watching something together or chatting about nonsense.
Do your best and know that “best” can be different each day. You’re a good person for helping. Stay strong and take care of yourself. :)
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u/jealousofhiscat 15h ago
Watch your favorite stuff together and talk through every second of it - I wish I had done this more with my mom when in hospice
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u/mntair88 15h ago
I’m currently doing the same for my father. Shits so hard watching the strongest man in my life to deteriorate in front of me. Sending love ❤️
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u/chuco915niners 10h ago
I wish you guys the best. Seeing this makes me realize what I will be doing soon with my parents.
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u/strtrech 20h ago
I'm sorry about your dad. My mom was completely unconscious during hospice, it was the saddest and hardest thing sitting by her side day after day waiting for some sort of final sign or praying for one more day of lucidity, but it never came. Cherish every last moment you have with him. 😢😢
Edit: Whoever down voted me, I still wouldn't wish this on you, but fuck you.
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u/puffindatza 18h ago
You post it to reddit bc??
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u/sk8rznvrquit 18h ago
Because I'm tired and felt like venting. Is that an issue?
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u/PuzzleheadedLemon353 18h ago
...and support. My dad is in Hospice right now, too. It's a difficult time. Sending love to you and your family. I love the dog being there with ya'll.
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u/Anilakay 20h ago
Hey OP! If you can manage it, buy one of those books where you ask your dad questions about his life, he answers and you write it down. It’ll be difficult but you won’t regret it.
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u/LordAndMasterFoamy 20h ago
I’ve been there my friend and it isn’t fun. A couple small tips if I may. Buy some of the disposable pads, also called chucks in the business, and put one in the bed side commode. Will make cleaning it much easier and reduce smell that seeps into the plastic.
And while I do hope his mobility continues to be stable I’d recommend buying a plastic liner for the mattress now and multiple cheap sheets.
I can tell you from experience not everyone departs with full continence and having some prep can minimize embarrassment and prevent additional infections.
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u/punktualPorcupine 20h ago
That’s rough, I’m sorry you’re all going through this. There’s not much I can say that will make any difference other than I’ve been in your shoes and everyone that has gone through this, is with ya.
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u/usedtobesideshow 21h ago
Stay strong friend. I know this is unbearably hard.