TW: mental health and stuff
Ok y’all buckle up…
I’m a summer start nursing student and have always done very well in school, but am honestly struggling so much right now. My main issue is pharmacology, I just can’t seem to cement it in my brain. At. All. I’ve tried everything. I just keep not doing well on tests and I could go on a whole other rant on how the class is set up poorly, in my opinion, but that’s a different issue. I have mental health issues, and those are exacerbated, especially with how stressed I am. It hasn’t even been a full summer semester and I’m so burnt out. I shouldn’t have chosen summer start because I now don’t get a break and it’s genuinely killing me. I’m struggling physically and mentally, and want to give up on nursing easily 2-3 times a week. I have not been like this for the entire first two years of college, even in the harder classes like patho and micro - I did great. I’ve suddenly found it hard to keep up with assignments and then them in on time, which has never been an issue for me. I think I’m just so stressed I can’t think straight. I’ve had a lot happen this summer too, my grandma was very sick and very recently passed away, I was in the ER twice, I am in the middle of a move by myself, etc. my sleep has also been more messed up than usual, I don’t sleep at night, then find it impossible to wake up in the morning. I can’t get through the day anymore without multiple sources of caffeine, which is probably not helping my sleep at night…amazing cycle I have going. I was supposed to see a sleep doctor a while ago, but didn’t have time. I am on a lot of medication and have a lot of physical illnesses, so it could be any combination of that contributing to my terrible sleeping (it’s been a years-long issue, but has gotten worse this summer). On top of all that, I’m working a job in order to keep an income. I feel like I worked so hard at the beginning and now have lost all motivation. I’m grieving the summer I could have had and just want to relax all the time or see friends. Nursing school is so rigorous though that every minute I’m not studying I feel so guilty. I also know that summer semester is accelerated, making everything worse. I feel like I’m just behind on everything. For example, tonight I had a very simple assignment that is an easy 100 in the grade book. It was due by 11:59, I remembered it at 10:45ish, then started it and somehow forgot it again for an hour. You are required to spend 30 minutes in the module though, so I ran out of time. I ended up submitting it late and that is -10 points right there. I felt so stupid, especially because this isn’t the first time this happened THIS week. This week alone, I have two exams, my head-to-toe, all my paperwork from clinical, and have to move myself and my cat out by Saturday. I’m just losing it… and I only get one week of break in between this semester and next. And it’s only gonna get harder
I got incredibly suicidal tonight and had to take my panic meds. What makes me so upset is that this is easy for a lot of people. I feel like people around me are making A’s on the pharm exams and flying through this semester, while it’s killing me… don’t get me wrong, I don’t necessarily have a bad grade in pharm, but it’s not an A and I’m so disappointed with myself. Sorry for this, I just needed to get it off my chest. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.