r/mildlyinfuriating • u/Carpe_the_Carp • 26d ago
go to your room My husband makes a fake fart noise with his mouth every time he or I bend over. He knows I don’t like it but won’t stop. He says he must have Tourette’s or something but he only does it at home, except one time in a store and he got really embarrassed
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u/peturbedlady 26d ago
My husband does this but the sound isn't fake.
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u/-Twin-Flames- 26d ago
Oh god, I feel you. My husband apologizes and tries being polite about his gas but it smells like he died 10 years ago on the inside. Now that he’s 40 he said he needs to get his butt checked. We eat the same, but his farts could evacuate a building faster than the fire alarms going off.
TMI, I know, I just had to tell someone.
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u/StickyPistolsRequiem 26d ago
Thanks, hope he gets his butthole checked soon!
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u/boferd 26d ago
i too wish for this lady's husband to get his butthole checked soon
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u/Aggravating-Bear8044 26d ago
I also choose this ladys husbands butthole
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u/waaz16 26d ago
Butthole
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u/Refun712 26d ago
I choose you
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u/A-WoF-Fan-bish 26d ago
You choose Butthole!
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u/BurnedLaser 26d ago
Butthole used toxic!
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u/OblivionJunkie 26d ago
It's super effective! Nose types are weak against toxic attacks.
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u/SuchAGoodGirlsDaddy 26d ago edited 26d ago
Just signing off on my support for this random butthole 👍
That’s definitely not me putting my thumb up it though that’s for sure just a regular thumbs up.
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u/VT_Squire 26d ago
Remember folks, if theres two hands on your shoulder during the rectal exam, theyre doing it wrong.
Or right. Depending.
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u/neoworldprogrammed 26d ago
he should go to a doctor sooner than later. it could be benign but my dad had this issue for years and it turned out he had pretty severe prostate cancer. always better safe than sorry
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u/Starbreiz 26d ago
omg when my dad was in radiation for prostate cancer he was farting up a storm! I had to google and apparently an enlarged prostate can do that, bc it presses on a nerve or something. luckily, he gets to ring the bell soon for being cancer-free. I'm sorry your dad was diagnosed.
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u/neoworldprogrammed 26d ago
my dad had this issue even though he had an ostomy bag in for most of his treatment (though it definitely showed up worse in round 2, hahaha). the main thing i remember was being annoyed that i had to use the downstairs bathroom because nobody could use the same bathroom as him due to the radiation exposure. i miss him a lot but god i do not miss that. he could render a bathroom unusable for hours LOL
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u/skankhunt000000042 26d ago
My dad had to take laxatives sometimes to clear things out during his prostate cancer radiation treatments. Also a storm of farts! Sending big positive vibes for your Dad to ring that bell 🔔
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u/-Twin-Flames- 26d ago
Hey, thank you for the moment of seriousness in all the joking. I appreciate the reminder that sometimes there is much bigger issues going on. I’ll make sure he gets that appointment scheduled ASAP. Sorry about your dad.
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u/Same-Suggestion-1936 26d ago
Schedule a colonoscopy if he hasn't gotten one yet. Almost every dude has some stuff that wants to be cut out now rather than later at that age. Could never turn out to be anything, could develop into serious cancer.
He could just have IBS or Crohn's but if you're getting his butthole checked out it's a wise procedure to get done now before it can't be fixed if there's anything in there
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u/Cautious-Paint9881 26d ago
I am 43 and have IBS-D (even though I was told during the procedure that there is no official diagnosis for IBS) and I have had a colonoscopy (within the last 4 years) and my farts don't smell like my insides died 10 years ago. I'm not saying my farts don't smell, I'm saying they don't smell like there is something dead inside my body.
I'm female and I am not sure if that makes a difference regarding colon health.
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u/Edgewalkerr 26d ago
Hes probably lactose intolerant. Once I cut it out my issues went away completely.
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u/mindovermatter421 26d ago
Could be onions and garlic intolerance and also not enough fiber on a daily basis making it worse.
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u/upsidedown-funnel 26d ago
Mine has this same affliction. It was particularly egregious on one of his last trips via airplane. He refuses to travel by air now. 🤣. I feel for whoever was trapped on that plane with him.
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u/JODI_WAS_ROBBED 26d ago
Maybe we’re on the same planes because every time I fly it inevitably reeks like farts a few times during it
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u/coolbreezesix 26d ago
I'm a 45 yo construction worker and my farts are just normal farts please send your husband to a doctor.
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u/FireballPhD 26d ago
OMG I feel you so bad! I was awoken by the stench of a thousand decaying corpses in the desert at 3 AM a few months back. I had to leave the room for half an hour for it to dissipate, and yet. I wish this on nobody, may they both get their butts checked! 😭
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u/PM_ME_ORANGEJUICE 26d ago
Sounds like IBS. Same thing my whole life. There's a diet you can do to stop the farts (and the stomach pain) but it's so frustratingly restrictive that I don't bother most of the time.
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u/OnlyCattle 26d ago
That diet isn't supposed to be a long-term thing. It's meant to get you to a baseline so then you can add things back one at a time in a controlled manner to see what bugs you vs. what doesn't
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u/PM_ME_ORANGEJUICE 26d ago
Yeah, I've done that part, but it turns out only cutting out the stuff that sets me off is still incredibly restrictive.
Still, I can have a fair amount of mannitol, sorbitol, and fructose, so at least there's still stonefruit.
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u/Wild_Astronaut7090 26d ago
What happens if everything causes it? Hard to even get the baseline to work, basically everything hurts
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u/vietnams666 26d ago
"but he smells like he died 10 years ago on the inside " loooool!!!!!
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u/fakeuser515357 26d ago
Lactose intolerance and gluten intolerance are on a scale, and can emerge as we age. People also have differing good allergies, such as to onions, as well as different reactions to legumes.
Source: I miss eating a big bowl of cheesy, oniony spaghetti but I like spending time with my family.
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u/i_was_a_person_once 26d ago
He really should go get checked out. Idk if it’s actually indicative of anything but I do know more younger people are getting some bad diagnosis and the sooner the better for those things
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u/Maximum-Mastodon8812 26d ago
Not to pretend to be a doctor but I had same issue and it was celiac lol
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u/RizzoTheRiot1989 26d ago
I’m literally recovering from a colon surgery at this moment, have him get it checked out. Mine was just issue using the bathroom but then they found a blood clot that was a ticking time bomb and all kinds of issues. Not saying you will find all that but man you’d rather catch stuff early than go through this recovery (although I’d say the 2 inch skin graft I got is much more painful in recovery).
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u/AbramJH 26d ago
activated charcoal pills can help neutralize the stench. if that fails, a bit of pepto bismol can help as well. I am a chronic stinky butt & those are what I’ll take to help
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u/Groundbreaking-Duck 26d ago
He careful with these if you take any other medication, as the charcoal can counteract the drugs.
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u/J1m123 26d ago
I think he may be trying to hide his real farts.
if he makes the noise all the time then you can never be sure when he actully farts
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u/Original-Variety-700 26d ago
I’m gonna start doing this. Thanks for the pro tip!
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u/RonaldTheGiraffe 26d ago
Farts can be extremely smelly.
My uncle as an example has a very bad farting problem. They smell like seagull eggs left to rot on hot tarmac.
He carries a bag of seaweed around so he can blame the farts on the seaweed.
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u/chewy92889 26d ago
My buddy does this with the best comedic timing, but he coughs and then audibly farts right afterward. It's hilarious and gets me every time.
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u/Time_Difference_6682 26d ago
I teach kids and make random fart noises because when i actually fart they just laugh and thats that
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u/PTSDDeadInside 26d ago
When he does it in public you're supposed to exclaim loudly "OH I THINK YOU SHIT YOUR SELF AGAIN!"
It's called embarrassment chicken,play to win
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u/toreadorable 26d ago
I was going to say, if it were me I would straight up sneak off, saying I was going to the grocery store or something, but I would be meeting one on one with a master ventriloquist to learn everything I could. I would spend months, years even, learning how to make absolutely disgusting and realistic fart noises, without anyone being able to know it was me doing it.
Then I would do it back to him. But only in public, and only when other people were around. Then I would react and stage whisper “sweetie, do you need me to get the emergency pants from the car?”
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u/PTSDDeadInside 26d ago
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u/toreadorable 26d ago
Sure, but I have kids and they would find it, love it, and ruin it for me. I want to be untraceable.
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26d ago
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u/tardistravelee 26d ago
I dont like my feet tickled. I give an opportunity to be nice and he fails. Lol
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u/melvinmoneybags 26d ago
Tickle at your own risk my feet are like loaded horse legs 🦵
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u/Ada-Lovelace77 26d ago
The thing is I don't even have control in that moment, heads will go flying and it's not my fault. 🤷♀️
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u/Low_Revolution3025 26d ago
Learned this the hard way, got kicked in the face lmao, and before you ask, yes, I did learn my lesson
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u/TheOneMary 26d ago
Broke my best friend's nose that way, back in 11th grade. It's a reflex and she had been warned 🤷
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u/thatevilducky 26d ago
I didn't like being tickled as a kid but my dad and siblings and uncles and cousins would still tickle me. One day, I decided not to be ticklish anymore and now I'm 99.8% not.
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u/Basic-Collection5416 26d ago
I didn’t like being tickled as a kid, so I kicked anyone who tickled me in some place sensitive. They learned not to tickle me.
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u/SomeDumbPenguin 26d ago
To really keep you on your toes, he's gotta randomize it... Let you get comfortable taking your socks off, doing whatever ~trimming/painting nails... Let you get comfortable... Then at some point go full bore into the over stimulating tickle session..
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u/sans-delilah 26d ago
Some people gain pleasure from making you uncomfortable.
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u/oNeonNarwhals 26d ago
Which like is funny one or two times but constantly? My ex used to be like that and it pissed me off. I get the joke but after a while it’s just straight up uncomfortable.
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u/Ilovethe90sforreal 26d ago
Exactly. It’s so goddamn childish. That’s what little man-boys do.
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u/DreamyOblivion 26d ago
I don't understand people who behave like this at all, but especially with their spouses.
I can't imagine intentionally bothering my husband, or having to deal with him continuing to do something because he know it irks me.
I think there's a big difference between the playful stuff that both people are in on/enjoy, and the stuff that genuinely bothers the other person.
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u/wombatilicious 26d ago
Exactly. If both people aren’t playing it’s not a game, it’s bullying.
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u/okayseriouslylastone 26d ago
This is why the term "making fun" is awful. It's very rare that the person being made fun of is having any fun at all. I lived with parents who thought it was funny to make fun of me. I'm 43 now, and I still carry all of those things with me. Not because I want to, but because they shaped me and they're core beliefs that I simply can't undo because I know better.
It was bullying and they thought it was funny.
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u/mackfeesh 26d ago
I think this for a lot of people falls under playful stuff that both people enjoy.
Some people like their buttons pushed, even if it means their buttons annoy them.
I had an aunt like this, her husband was a huge practical joker
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u/DreamyOblivion 26d ago
Yeah, like I said - I do see a difference between the stuff that both people are in on and like, vs the things that legitimately upsets or bothers them.
If it's in the "it pushes my buttons, but I like having those buttons pushed by them" category then I'd still qualify that as something that people like.
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u/Key_Beach_3846 26d ago
I’m sorry but my husband actually likes me and doesn’t go out of his way to do stuff that I don’t like.
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u/TheNeuroLizard 26d ago
Yeah, as a husband, this is the kind of thing I might push the envelope on once, but when it became clear she actually disliked it and it wasn’t taken as cute/teasing, it’s just being annoying and immature. I feel like this only happens in relationships where there’s an underlying hostility that’s not resolved, maybe not even acknowledged. Definitely should talk about it.
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u/EclecticEthic 26d ago
As a wife, this rings true. Small things can rub you wrong when there is a disconnect.
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u/PhD_Pwnology 26d ago
He must be doing it with his GF then
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u/NotACumBurrito 26d ago
Can confirm. Am the GF.
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u/Touchhole 26d ago
Sounds like something a Cum Burrito would say!
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u/847Gloryhole 26d ago
How much cum has to be in a burrito before that becomes the name of it? Asking for a victim.
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u/jarlscrotus 26d ago
Cum is like bananas, any amount in a dish and the dish becomes themed on it
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u/Chazxcure 26d ago
Either you laughed once and he’s doing it to get you to do it again OR he knows you don’t like it. Negative attention is still attention.
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u/Euphoric_Egg_4198 26d ago
Buy a fart noise keychain and press the button every time he bends down while you’re out and about.
I have a fart machine that I would hide around the house and press the button when someone sat on the couch, chair, etc. I once hid it under my kid’s bed when they were having a sleepover and could hear them bickering about who farted when I would randomly push the button 😈
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u/crazyfighter99 26d ago
This is the answer. Don't give in, fight fire with fire. Or, fart with fart.
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u/meiko63 26d ago
omg hearing the kids bicker knowing it was me would've fucking killed me. this is incredibly genius
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u/DeadInternetTheorist 26d ago
Yeah I would have been made instantly. They'd hear me crouched outside the door choking on my own guffaws. It takes real combat discipline to pull off a caper like that.
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u/Extension-Two-2807 26d ago
We had someone hide one of these in the office and they kept moving it.. took weeks for someone to finally find it
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u/FuckSteve7 26d ago
As someone with Tourette’s, this isn’t Tourette’s lol.
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u/Buckysgirl24 26d ago edited 25d ago
I was just about to comment the same thing, lol. That isn't how Tourette’s works.
EDIT: I wrote this when I was super tired and forgot about my own setting-specific tics. That being said, if it is a specific action that causes it, I don't know if the location will matter. Especially since he did it once in the store, got embarrassed, and never did it again. That’s just my opinion though and everyone has different experiences.
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u/SoullqssHydra 26d ago
Hello, also afflicted with tourettes. He's possibly doing this on purpose. If he had tourettes, it would be this ocd- like feeling that you can't relieve until you do the tick, or it just comes out of nowhere. It depends on the tick, really.
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u/pooeygoo 26d ago
Did it ever make you laugh? Once?
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u/Carpe_the_Carp 26d ago
Yea, the one time in home depot
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u/Traditional_Toe8824 26d ago edited 20d ago
My Dad used to fart in Home Depot and then say “ let’s get out of here, this aisle smells” 😆
Edit: LMAO thank you kind person for the award.
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u/ScrotalSmorgasbord 26d ago
I crop dust people who are rude at stores all the time. That's why the Reddit story of that dude that ripped one in that kid's mouth resonates with me so much. Man after my own heart.
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u/Same_Lemon_7643 26d ago
He’s probably still riding on that high
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u/littlemonsterlove 26d ago
Except he’s not getting she was laughing at him, because he was embarrassed.
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u/JerkGurk 26d ago
If you randomly say "Oh my god did you shit your pants again?" while in public, I would consider it a good counter attack.
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u/graveyardCrew 26d ago
Get some fart spray and confuse him every few times he does it
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u/Competitive-Elk-5077 26d ago
Weird muscle memory. Probably did it once in middle school and got a laugh and been doing it since riding that high
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u/Tavern_Knight 26d ago
You know, I was kinda thinking something like this, but unironically. A long time ago I started like saying burp every time I actually had to burp, just to make myself laugh a little and now I just instinctively do it almost every time without thinking lol. I just never even think about it anymore, and kind of realize after the fact I still did it. It really is just a weird little automatic response now while burping
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u/aceouses 26d ago
One time my friends were in my car and I made a hard turn so my brain was like “ease the tension” so I went “skrrrrt!” And we laughed. But that was 15 years ago and every time I turn i do it. I don’t think i even realize I do it. I car pooled a lady to work with me and my last job and when she first was hearing it she couldn’t stop laughing but I can’t stop! 😂
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u/ChronicKitten97 26d ago
My grown kids and I say "weeee" every time I go around a curve in the road.
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u/DeathByPetrichor 26d ago
From a neurological standpoint, these things imprint in our brains very similarly to tics from Tourette’s or other conditions and can become almost impossible to stop.
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u/Mogofwin 26d ago
Literally the same! This is my little quirk that drives my wife absolutely insane. She said this was one of my only orange flags while dating 😅
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u/Silver_Original6076 26d ago
My dad does at least 10 of these types of things. Hasn't gotten a laugh in over a decade
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u/OgdruJahad 26d ago
This is Reddit you know the drill. When are divorcing him? 😝
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u/Best_Cardiologist172 26d ago
Lawyer up, hit the gym!
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u/MakisDelaportas 26d ago
And go to the hopital.
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u/Idfkw2c 26d ago
I do this to my dog. It’s funny because my dog actually gets embarrassed about it and smells herself to check.
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u/hingedcanadian 26d ago
My previous dog, doberman, she was also embarrassed by her own farts. Sometimes they'd give her shock because she'd instantly stand up and smell her butt then look around to make sure all is clear. I miss her.
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u/Rosian_SAO 26d ago
My dad does this with bug-buzzing noises and crawling his fingers up my arm to mimic bugs, to the point where I will scream and cry. It’s on purpose.
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u/Snatchbuckler 26d ago
BOB SAGET
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u/PuzzleheadedYear5596 26d ago
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u/HesterFlareStar 26d ago
Hello Colgate?
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u/shackleford224 26d ago
DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT TOTAL
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u/omgitsmishenka 26d ago
The first 40 years of childhood are the most difficult in a man’s life
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u/omgitsme713 26d ago
Lmao, my husband does this too.. i dont care if he does it to himself, but if he does it to me..he gets the look
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u/Even_Plate2068 26d ago
Put a finger in there, tell em you're helping out by plugging the hole. Doubt he'll let it rip again.
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u/Expensive-Review472 26d ago
My wife actually farts every time she bends over so ya know it could be even funnier
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u/flabbergasted-528 26d ago
If you make fake fart noises every time you bend no one will notice when a real one slips out.
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u/Equivalent_End607 26d ago
condition him out of this behavior by blowing a bullhorn behind him when he does it
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u/eligodfrey 26d ago
As someone with tourettes, this ain't it, and I wish people would stop annoying others for their own entertainment and then claiming tourettes. It's a real disability that doesn't deserve one ounce of the mockery that we get.
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u/BabyRex- 26d ago
So when you’re dealing with a toddler the best course of action is not to react. At all. No laughing, no smirking, no eye contact, no yelling, no disciplining, no acknowledging, no eye rolls. After a while he’ll feel stupid enough and stop
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u/cootersbait 25d ago
You ever start reading a comment section and then ask your self what the fuck you're doing sitting in front a computer reading comments regarding a post about fake fart noises. I need to go touch grass.
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u/BIGDL666 26d ago
My husband does this too! And now when I see someone bend over, I think the noise.
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u/weirdtranssexual 26d ago
as someone with tourettes it actually pisses me off to no end when people knowingly do offensive shit and go “oh damn i must have tourettes”
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u/Little_Chain_8165 26d ago
Is this sub turning back into a “my husband/wife did something stupid please judge them for it”? That shit got old quick
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u/TwoStoopidToFurryass 26d ago
Next time he does it, say something out loud that you know will embarrass him. Match his energy every time he does it, and he will stop.
"Look, (insert husband's name here). I know you want to bring another man into our relationship, but I don't think I can take seeing you with another man!"
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u/IAmJustAHusk 26d ago edited 26d ago
Not living with a man is so wonderful 🥰 thanks for reminding me
Wow, losers in the replies proving my point 😂
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u/j_monie2859 26d ago
One up him and aggressively dry hump him every time he bends over
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u/NoDontDoThatCanada 26d ago
He got embarrassed in public? Maybe you start doing it in public.