I’m 27M, 6’1” 145lbs and have always had a very off relationship with food. I’ve never considered I have an eating disorder because the only eating disorders I know of are anorexia, bulimia, and obesity, and I didn’t think I related to those stories. But I really don’t know how to judge my situation, I really want an outside perspective on if you think I have an eating disorder, and if not, what’s wrong with me?

First, I HATE food. Almost all of it. I don’t like anything being in my mouth, at all. Food included. It feels like it shouldn’t be there. Like if someone stuffed spaghetti into my shoe and made me walk.

Second, I do not respond to most hunger pains. If I’m hungry, I’ll just wait, and then not feel hungry anymore.

Third, the feeling of being full is indistinguishable to the feeling of being sick. Having a full stomach just feels like I have the flu or something. This is why I don’t eat in the morning, because it’ll throw off my day at work feeling sick all morning because I ate breakfast.

As of now I usually just eat once a day, one big meal at dinner time.

I’m just kinda spitballing because I’d never shared these thoughts with anyone before, but recently my girlfriend has been around me long enough to notice my habits and become very concerned by them.

Just looking for what you guys think, I am extremely not versed in this realm of ideas, so any help being pointed in the right direction is great.

i’ve just discovered this recently but i can’t wrap my head around it so i’m here to get more answers and to understand what’s happen

tw 🚨

i have this thing, like after every meal or food related i get this massive wave of guilt, like i keep questioning myself why am i eating, and sometimes i get this moments where i stuff every food i can see and while im eating i sort of go on autopilot, like i can’t get a grip of it. im full and i wanna stop but i cant. idk if any of this even makes since.
and i have been doing this for years, ive only eat at night so during the day i wouldnt get hungry, or some nights i would just bring a gallon of water and keep it near me so when im hungry i drink water. and before every meal ill chug water so much and make myself full before i get to eat so i wouldnt eat as much, can someone pls help me understand whats going on

I have 'recovered' from an eating disorder and the most recent relapse was three years ago. I have a close friend who I think is experiencing an eating disorder and seeing them losing so much weight (noticeable each time I see them) is triggering a lot of ED thoughts. Does anyone have advice on how to deal with this?

Other friends have spoken to them a bit about how they are and they are happy about weight loss and it is intentional.

Hi! No idea if this is the correct page for this but I need some unbiased opinions/advice.

During my teenage years I have struggled a lot with my body image and dealt with anorexia. I still struggle but I now know my body needs fuel. During the first trimester of my pregnancy I was drastically under eating. Nog because I intended too but I just didn’t know how much I needed to eat to fuel my body and the baby too. Because of this I lost a lot of weight. My parents who have been with me during those difficult teenage years were quick to point out that I was losing weight fast. I realised I needed help and have since made a lot of progress. The baby hasn’t suffered and we’re both doing great. It wasn’t intentional that I was under eating and had to make a big mental switch so me and my baby could thrive.

Now the current issue is that during a birthday party last weekend my parents were astounded by how much I was eating. I am now in my third trimester. I am the oldest and the first to get pregnant out of my siblings. I live with my partner so they aren’t apart of our regular day. Because of my struggles earlier my diëtist and me have agreed that I need about 6 eating moments in the day. They know this. Before we came to the birthday I already joked about me actually eating “adult” portions now. We had a slice of cake and then we had my mom’s homemade lasagne. My mom is a good cook and it was delicious. I still eat slow so she thought I wasn’t going to finish my piece and she said she gave me a smaller piece on purpose even though I joked about the portion sizes earlier. I then said I could eat more than what she gave me and when she gave me a weird look I quickly said that I didn’t want another piece. After dinner we still had cake left. Usually I already had difficulty with 1 piece of cake so when asked if there were still people who wanted another piece (everyone had already had a piece of cake so it was just to reduce food waste) I said I would love too and was immediately met with words from all of my family if I was feeling okay since that was a lot of food. I felt attacked and guilty. I still finished the piece of cake and there also were other people that got another piece. My parents kept going and said I needed to watch what I ate or I would never loose the weight.

Their comments are still flying around in my head and I feel so sad. They know how much I struggle with eating during this pregnancy and then them saying that I need to watch what I eat feels like they don’t understand at all what I have been going through and how much that can hurt the progress I have made. I have only gained a pregnancy belly and everybody praises me on how beautiful my body still looks with the pregnancy so I do not understand why they would warn me about that since it doesn’t seem like an issue at hand. It feels wrong to call them out on it but it’s still bothering me. What would you do in this situation?

I know it shouldn’t, I know it’s really stupid. I’m Male, 18 and I’ve just started my recovery from five years of “issues”. I was doing quite well but I’ve come on Holiday with my mother, her aunt and my cousin.

She’s the same age as me, VERY gorgeous, VERY slim. She barely eats and it makes me feel disgusting when I do eat. I’m not sure how to cope with it.

I know this is a stupid post and it’s a dumb way to feel but I can’t help it 😭 pls help…

# TW - ED, DEPRESSION, THOUGHTS OF SH

(17 any pronouns)

I've posted here before about my dad but I'm here again.

I have had depression for years (since I was about 13/14 and with that came a plethora of body issues in the process. I do currently have 2 therapists I see, one is my main weekly appointments and the other is a dietitian that my school counselor referred me to when I had really bad problems at school.

I've graduated high school (again, my dad post) and in that time, my grade 12 year had got to be the worst my mental health had been. Every failure and every 'I need to be better and look better' comment, and every jealous thing that went through my mind was on full blast, but only after mid December.

There was a lady at a Christmas party I went to, Chinese food spread with multiple boxes of everything, and she said something along the lines of "Oh girl (I'm unwillingly fem presenting and went to a church c&c group) you don't need that much, save some for the rest of us." ... There were 4 more boxes of these chicken bites and I had taken 5 or 6 of these toonie (Canadian 2 dollar coin) size bites. After that comment I ate less around her so that she wouldn't make another comment to me.

That led me to a road of off looking skin and more than 48 hours between meals at times depending on the week. If I do well on an assignment I can eat on Wednesday, if I don't I wait until Thursday or Friday night. I went out to eat at the nice family who hosted the Christmas party and c&c nights so I kind of had to eat on Tuesdays but wouldn't eat all day until supper time.

Before you ask if my family noticed, I've been trying to go no contact with my mom so I've been seeing her only once a month for the last 2 years, my dad doesn't eat with us, and my grandma and I eat in different rooms and I'm normally in my room, so no. No one noticed except for 2 of my friends (I don't want to get started on the 3rd of our 4 person group), a teacher who had me all afternoon for classes, and my guidance counselor because that same teacher told her.

I then started the therapy process and started getting better. I mostly have in person appointments but since I'm going to be out of town all summer I need online appointments. They haven't seemed to be helping as much though. I'm considering eating a chore I don't want to partake in, I'm getting angry at the people I love, I'm isolating again, during breaks at work I don't feel like eating, I'm drinking more caffeine so I don't feel the hunger again, and above all I don't feel happy existing anymore.

This is not me saying I'm suicidal because I'm not.

I want to go back to my old coping skills, I don't want to look this way anymore, I'm tired, I'm sick of this back and forth bullshit, I want to scream into a void, I want to slam my head into a wall to knock some sense into my brain, I want to relapse, I want to break traffic laws and get hurt so that someone would notice that I'm a walking cry for help.

I'm trying to book a therapy appointment with both my main and dietitian so I can try to work this out but I just needed to throw this out there.

Hi (29 NB AFAB - they/them). I feel like I don't fit the typical ARFID diagnosis. Growing up, I would basically eat anything. I had a diverse food list, and my appetite was always good.

In high school, I started restricting to help deal with stress and to lose weight. It worked, and I was praised for it. Everyone thought I was doing great.

In undergrad, I restricted to deal with stress before I was diagnosed with PTSD. This "habit" has stuck with me in grad school, but for the first couple of years I did okay.

After about a year and a half of working on my Master's degree, I started my journey with my chronic illness. I started getting violently ill for almost no reason, for days to weeks at a time, almost always landing me in the ER for exhaustion, IV anti-emetics, and at least 1, if not 2, L of IV fluids at least every-other-week. I spent 2.5 years undiagnosed, but constantly discussing my diet in conjunction with my mysterious illness. Then, for another 2 years, I was misdiagnosed with gastroparesis, where food was always framed as the enemy and "this is just how it is. You have to learn to just deal with the sickness."

Now, after the correct diagnosis late last year of cyclic vomiting syndrome, I get sick only every so often these days. But the diet restrictions from the past 4.5-5 years of sickness have stuck (now mixing with my HS eating habits and undergrad habits). Basically, I severely restrict throughout the day (4-5 am until about 6 pm), and then I allow myself to eat only certain foods (largely avoiding fruits and vegetables, any complex carbs, basically anything with fiber) from like 6 pm - 8/9 pm. So, a large part of my diet is chicken, fish, shrimp, and rice. Plus certain snack foods because those always seem safe for the most part.

I didn't see this as a problem until earlier this year, when family and friends started getting more concerned that my eating "habits" didn't get better with the correct diagnosis. So, it's been a journey. But my current therapist (not ED-related) seems to think that I might have ARFID with food anxiety. Is there anyone here with a similar experience?

Where would you choose to go? And why?

I absolutely do not know what to do. I have been having issues with eating food for about a month now. Things just don't taste right/good or the texture gets to me. Last week I ate a bag of chips for breakfast/lunch and then had a rotisserie chicken sandwich for dinner two nights and skipped dinner the other two nights. On Friday (6/17) I got a pretzel at the mall around 11am at half of it and couldn't eat any more. that was the last thing I've eaten. I've been surviving on soda and that is starting to turn on me as well. I tried ensure, I took one small sip and STRUGGLED to get that down. I even had a lady comment on my weight loss today and I have absolutely not been trying to lose weight. What else can I try? Im desperate.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

Im in recovery and trying still struggling with a lot of disordered thoughts and behaviours that i need to work on breaking.
Main one of these is one i only aquired after after relapsing is the rule of restricting bread and its similar (pasta etc.), preferably to strictly once a day.
This has come as bad as resorting to chew and spit out my otherwise safe go to breakfast…

And I KNOW its illogical and its not bad or unhealthy but the rule is still there and i want to work on it.
So any facts or tips that can help me tackle it?

Edit: issue isnt me getting insufficient carbs, its the mental restriction of eating anything bread adjacent

Ive been struggling with food for about two years now and Ive been really good at hiding it. I have a chronic illness that makes it difficult for me to digest food so anytime I didn’t want to eat i would blame my illness instead, I did it so much in fact I gaslit myself into believing I didn’t have a bad relationship with food and that it was all my chronic illness. I managed to get it under control before it was to bad and went to therapy under the guise of anxiety. Ive had a slight relapse recently and Ive been feeling seriously guilty. I feel like I’m not sick enough so I don’t deserve help and I force myself to eat and then feel like shit afterwards and it’s so exhausting. my mums noticed my bad mood and asked me if I wanted to go back to therapy, i said yes. for some stupid reason I admitted that I was having some problems with food and now shes over me like a hawk. I didn’t even go into any details like I barely said anything and It’s so annoying I wish she would back off, it feels like my entire personal life is being destroyed by something I can handle on my own. i Feel like she told my dad or brother because hes been questioning me about food and I hate it I can’t stand it I wish they would leave me alone i feel like everyone is watching me. I had a bit of a mental breakdown and confessed everything I had been feeling to my best friend, he’s been supportive but I can tell he doesn’t know how to handle it and I feel so bad for putting that weight on his shoulder. I’m such a bad friend he’s worrying about me and I can’t stop it. Also now that my family clearly knows something is going on they keep on making comments about my food. I know they mean well but telling me it impressive Ive had two burgers when I usually don’t even eat one is not helpful. I feel so sad and awful why does everyone need to involve themselves, I want everyone to back off and let me handle it.

En este momento, acabo de terminar de comer por lo cual ahora estoy vomitando en una botella de suero para según no engordar ya que todo fue un atracón planeado...

Desde que soy muy pequeña, he sido gorda, en mi niñez de los 1-3 años fui gorda pero no obesa, era una niña tierna. Cuando crecí mantuve mi complexión que era robusta pero recalco, no obesa..siempre me decían lo gorda que estaba incluso en preescolar, no me importaba puesto que era muy chica para entenderlo. En primaria me decían lo mismo y entonces ahí empezó todo. Hubo un maestro que me agarró del brazo diciéndome que tenía que hacer ejercicio. Tenía una amiga a la cual le contaba todo y pues ella me decía que pues no, no estaba gorda... Un día me diagnosticaron colitis nerviosa, era vomitar después de comer según por ansiedad, depresión o estrés. Estuve con eso 3 meses ya que después tomé medicamentos y se me pasó. No tardó y volvió, vomitaba todo el tiempo después de comer y sí bajé de peso pero después mi cuerpo se acostumbro y pues la verdad en ese entonces no vomitaba toda mi comida. En cuanto entré a la secundaria, los comentarios sobre mi cuerpo e insinuaciones seguían, me dolían tanto.. odiaba cuando en educación física tenían que cargarme, odiaba cuando hablaban de los cuerpos más bonitos, pero no era tan relevante hasta que le diagnosticaron azúcar a mi papá, ahí empezó mi infierno que yo solita contruir. Dejé de comer azúcar, harinas, procesados, pero tomaba alcohol, si comía Sabritas lo vomitaba junto con el alcohol. Para eso entonces ya había bajado 4kg y pesaba 56 con 13-14 años no recuerdo bien, estaba en segundo o tercero de secundaria. Lo que sí recuerdo es que me propuse que iba a bajar tanto de peso que nadie me reconocería pase lo que pase y lo logré. El día de mi graduación de secundaria ya pesaba 45kg, perdí peso sí pero también mi menstruación y cabe recalcar que yo era de menstruar demasiado. Durante las vacaciones de verano, me dediqué a perder más peso, dejé de comer y lo poco que comía lo vomitaba. En 6 meses logré pesar 36kg y de último 35kg. Mido 153. En ese tiempo mi pelo se caía a mechones, no tenía ánimos, caminaba súper lento, ya parecía un esqueleto según mis familiares y amigos e incluso conocidos. Recuerdo que cuando me hacían desayunar lo vomitaba todo después. Hubo un tiempo en dónde me aferré más en la bulimia cuando me dí cuenta que podía comer sin subir de peso. Guardé moldes de yogurt con vómito, moldes, vomitaba en todos lados, cuando nadie me veía y me iba a la escuela vomitaba, cuando llegaba a la escuela vomitaba mi desayuno. Incluso aprendí a calcular el tiempo que me tomaba vomitar todo, nunca me lo provoqué eso si, con los dedos al menos no, pero los que sufren esto y saben cómo es lo entenderán.. es más o menos apretar el estómago y devolver la comida y luego seguir como si nada. Un día mi madre me descubrió con 3 moldes de Litro de puro vómito. Es cuando ya pesaba menos de 40. Empecé a recuperarme después de gran sermón de mi madre. Subí de peso sí y me costó ya que hacía ejercicio, para eso estábamos de vacaciones de navidad pero entonces, un día sin saber por qué solo decai.. volví a vomitar y se me volvió a hacer vicio, el primero de enero me descubrió mi madre y me amenazó con anexarme pero yo le rogué por el que no lo hiciera y me dió una oportunidad. Me recuperé como por un mes y de ahí volví a vomitar en cuanto entré a la escuela ya que mi vida volvió a descontrolarse cuando mi rutina de vacaciones ya no era la misma que la escolar. Así seguí, me descubrieron de nuevo y rogué de nuevo. Actualmente me volvieron a descubrir y me amenazaron otra vez. Hay comidas que puedo mantener pero otras no, mayormente devuelvo las que no tienen verdura o siento que me hincho mucho. No puedo dormir desde que tengo ansiedad por comer. Recuerdo que mis atracones se basaban en todo lo que encontrara en el refrigerador.. cuando hacía esto antes de ir a la estación, vomitaba en mi casa, vomitaba todo el camino a la escuela e incluso me iba caminando (7km) para quemar y a la vez deshacerme del vómito. Odio las fiestas, no hay una sola en la que no haya vomitado la comida...a veces cuando cocino y pruebo un aderezo también lo termino vomitando si es que no termina en atracón para posteriormente vomitar. También recuerdo que me pesaba todo el día y mantener ese peso, tampoco tomaba agua y si lo hacia vomitaba hasta el agua. Necesito consejos, quiero mejorar pero mi fuerza de voluntad es débil y no quiero ayuda de un profesional ya que si recurro a ellos perdería el semestre conociendo a mis padres. Gracias por leerme, espero sus comentarios

I hope this is the last post I am doing about it.
My week was horrible. Why? Because I weighed myself on last week Sunday. Obviously it was too much for my Ed.
So I started to restrict the shit out of myself, counted calories once more and exercised more. The results: I binged nearly every day, I couldn’t focus on Uni. I was harsh to my parents, I was caught in on big cycle of binging/restricting/panicking.

Today my body luckily broke down, I still binged but I couldn’t restrict myself anymore so yeah it’s ok

So a reminder for myself: THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THIS FUCKING DISORDER IS TO STOP ALL THE WEIGHING, COUNTING AND RESTRICTING.

Godamn it why do I always end up in this ?

Hi guys. I’m not really familiar with this subreddit and stuff so it’s my first time posting, and it’s about my boyfriend. I (F), have noticed some concerning signs of an ED in my boyfriend (M). In the past month or so, he has developed what I think is an unhealthy obsession with the gym, getting extremely aggressive after not eating, having an app to count up what he eats, and basically only eating caesar wraps. And when he does eat something like a burger after his mother and I tell him he cant survive off of basically nothing every day, he ends up texting me that he “accidentally” threw it up. I’m extremely worried for him, especially because he plays sports and expels much more calories than he eats which I think is horribly unhealthy.

I’m going to have a talk with him either today or tomorrow to try and figure out why this is happening, whether he’s purging (i think that’s the right word?) or not, and asking him to maybe get rid of the calculator because I know looking at the numbers is a good part of it all. I truly have no idea how to help him navigate this. Any advice is extremely appreciated.

F18, 5’3 I weigh 134 lbs.
I wish I was back to 100 lbs. I was 100 last year but was frequently in the hospital because of GI issues. Even though it was painful, at least I was 100. I feel bad admitting this but I regret gaining weight. I am fat and ugly and horrible. God willing im going to college soon so I need to eat for brain fuel. But that’s it. Right now im on break so im trying not to eat as much as I can. I only eat when I feel light headed. It hurts but it feels… good..? I know people will say “just exercise! Stop being a lying fat slob and touch grass.” And I can’t disagree. I hate being in public places if I don’t have to. I feel trapped in my house. I have no social skills. Starving myself makes me feel so good. I usually eat one meal a day with a few snacks.
I hope I’ll at least be 110 again.
The only thing about me gaining weight that I’m happy about is becoming DD XD!
I thought about doing liposuction or something to get rid of my belly fat. Idk. I don’t wanna think anymore. I just wanna be numb.

To be clear with y'all I do not think I have an ED. But my friends do so I'm just super confused ATM. Sorry for any problems caused from this post.

I weigh 180-190 lbs, I’m 15 and 5’10.

I used to be really fat for my age when I was little, so I started going to a dietitian. She was effective for a while, and I started to lose weight.

But recently I’ve started getting really self conscious about my weight. For one, I’d already be considered overweight. On top of that, I want to transition and be a girl. Whenever I go to the doctor, I have to not only be reminded that I’m overweight, but also that I have a male body and get compared to boys.

My transition has been part of my weight goals ever since I learned I was trans. I’ve been trying to lose weight but even if I can, it’s not enough.

I’ve started eating 1 and a half meals a day to stop this, but I don’t feel any different. I know people are worried about me but it doesn’t help, I’m still too fat. And I can’t even stick to my own weight goals a lot of the time. I tried to skip a full breakfast and any lunch today, but I still let myself eat a bowl of ice cream.

I feel disgusted with myself. Whenever I lay down I can feel my head sitting on bits of skin that feel like fat rolls. Whenever I sit I can feel how big my gut is. I know that there will be clothes that I can never fit in even if I want to and this is part of the reason.

I don’t want to eat anything anymore. It makes me feel fat every time. But I can’t even stick to not eating because I pig out too much. I go onto the scale and it’s not as low as I want it. I hate this so much. I wish I never gained all that stupid weight in the first place.

I dont wanna eat i keep putting plastic wrap around my stomach and then wearing my waist trainer going to sleep then waking up working out and then shower but I try and eat 1 apple a day and then not eat till next day but I'm starting to go dizzy and feel light

When I was in a really dark place with intrusive thoughts about food and my body because of anxiety, personal problems, low self-esteem, and other issues, I opened up to a ex-friend about it. It was after I had made myself throw up for the first time because I had experienced intense anxiety after breakfast.

When we talked in person, she scolded me. Later, over text, she said things like, "I eat that and I'm still skinny," and "There's nothing wrong with your weight." She had always been thinner than me and didn't have an eating disorder. Knowing her weight and hearing her talk about food like that was a huge trigger for me. I got even worse and fell even deeper into those dark thoughts.

I have never been formally diagnosed with an eating disorder, but those thoughts have stayed with me for years, and it's awful.

She used to make me eat. If I refused food, she would buy me something anyway and ask me to eat it. If I told her I had skipped lunch or hadn't eaten much (which, looking back, I realize I sometimes said because I was seeking validation) she would respond with things like, "That's all you ate?!" Without realizing it, those reactions fed my intrusive thoughts even more.

When she told me I could end up being hospitalized, I just shrugged. I know I'm underweight, but the idea of gaining weight terrifies me. The thought of my clothes feeling tighter or people commenting that I've gained weight even if I'm still objectively thin scares me. My mother, who is very fatphobic, once called me a "whale," and comments like that only make everything worse.

My current psychologist knows about the online communities I became involved with and the damage they caused me because I brought it up myself I simply couldn't take it anymore. Back in 2022, I already found myself idealizing severely underweight bodies. In 2024, I started spending time in those online communities. My behaviors eased for a while, but in 2025 they gradually came back. Then, in 2026, after ending that toxic friendship that had lasted for years, I had a major relapse, went back to those communities, and it was the worst thing I could have done.

I just want things to get better. I can't stand living like this every single day anymore. It's hell.

I started going to the gym in January 2023, and I was skinny as hell. I remember I'd get home after gym and just eat what my Mum had made and be content. I'd just eat a little more than I used to before starting the gym, so it was sustainable.

I never weighed myself then, but I was still thin as a stick.

I remember going to India in August 2023 and there was a weighing scale in my place of worship. I stepped on it, and I gained nothing at all. So I thought to myself "When the new academic year starts next month (September 2023), I'm gonna focus hard on gym and eating to gain weight".

It was still the same food. Rice. Flatbreads. Vegetable stew. Some meat stew (chicken, lamb). Pasta. Milk. Oats. Nuts. Apples. Oranges. Blueberries. Bananas. Orange juice. Apple juice. That was basically my whole diet.

Then I found out about bulking shakes. This is where you blend up milk, oats, peanut butter, a banana and protein powder and you get a thousand calories in this concoction. Then I started drinking these shakes with 2 bagels on the side, sometimes even 4 bagels, with Biscoff spread or peanut butter spread on top.

With this, I felt full as fuck. It was even sickly to get all this food down. But I still did it. In the name of "wanting to bulk".

I bought a weighing scale in January 2024 and it was a set routine that I would wake up every Sunday morning and weigh myself. I would submit this weight number into the Strong app. Then I would evaluate it and put the new weight into a calorie calculator website to gauge how much to eat to get to my next goal weight. I would never track calories specifically. Just eyeball everything.

I remember in October 2024 I got to my goal weight naked. And I felt like I had put too much excess weight on. So I decided to start a cut. I ate a lot less than I normally would. I remember vividly sitting in a class and my stomach was rumbling so much and it was so empty that it hurt and it would contract. So I just drank water to mask the feeling of hunger and thought to myself "In order to lose this weight, I need to push through this feeling of hunger". I also wanted abs more than anything at this point. Even though I did no specific ab exercises.

When I lost a lot of the fat and was starting to see abs in the mirror when flexing, I became mildly impressed with myself.

Then I wanted to start bulking again. But this is where it gets even worse.

I bought a new blender for myself which was smaller than the previous one and the same bottle you use to blend the ingredients could have a different lid put on which resembles the lid of a normal drinks bottle and thus you can carry it around in your every day.

This time, I was putting a huge amount of oats. Huge amount of milk. Lots of peanut butter into the shake. And even some vegetable oil to add extra calories.

And then I would go straight to the gym 1-2 hours after. With that big-ass shake still digesting in my stomach. I remember last year hitting a tough leg day, then going to the changing rooms. I felt like I was gonna black out or vomit. But then when I left the gym and went outside into the car park, I felt like I was gonna vomit again, but nothing happened, so I just walked home.

From then on, I knew it wasn't healthy or sustainable to carry on drinking these concoctions. So I stopped.

I gained a lot of weight just eating normal food which I mentioned above. So I was happy to keep seeing the number on the scale rise. Because it was mostly healthy muscle weight that I was putting on and not much fat.

But still, I would go to the gym and during sessions still feel oats digesting in my stomach due to the quantity because I ate them 1-2 hours before my session.

Now. I haven't been to the gym in just under 40 days. I cancelled my membership and cancelled my payments to the gym. And now, I honestly don't feel any better in regards to eating.

Nowadays. I just eat less. A lot less. Basically half of what I used to eat when I was going to the gym 5 days a week.

And honestly. Sometimes I'm content with it. Sometimes I feel like I'm "damaging" my body. And sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve food or deserve to eat.

I know eating food is to sustain bodily processes and to grow and repair cells. But sometimes I think "Fuck all that shit I am a waste of a human being" and just have to force-feed myself because I know it's healthier and better for me to eat the food than to not eat the food.

When I was going to the gym the food had a purpose because my brain was telling me "I need to eat this food to grow muscle and gain weight and to recover properly and to provide my body with excess nutrients for growth of hair and nails".

I used to look around at the food my friends were eating in school and they were eating sandwiches, crisps, granola bars, pasta, rice, chicken. It was like a buffet. They told me "I love food I love food so much I love different types of cuisine" and that never ever struck a chord with me. Since starting gym, I turned into a "Food is fuel. I only eat for nutrients, not for taste". And still am right now.

Just now I had some chicken and pasta. I just put into the plate however much pasta I wanted which for me is a moderate portion compared to what I used to eat when I was a gym-goer and less chicken than then too. And honestly, it felt like it didn't move the needle. I still felt like I'm eating way too much. Even though it's half the portion size of back then.

Also, I bought a food weighing scale on the same week I quit gym. Well I never got to use it in the "Eating to build muscle" context. But I've only used it a few times because I've had no need to and am amazed at the sheer quantity of food I was consuming when I used to go to the gym.

I also eat the same food basically every single day of every single week. I rarely ever eat out. And I don't know any recipes. So that could be part of the problem too.

I've stopped weighing myself like it was a checkbox on a checklist and now only weigh myself whenever I feel like it every 2-4 weeks.

So yeah. That's pretty much it.

I would love to hear some feedback to help me. Because it feels like I'm stuck in a rut with food.

Ok. I dont know how to say this, but basically for the past few years (I guess since 2024 or smth like that, I dont exacly remember the year) i've been having feeding problems. From a few months to a few months ive been having some trouble with that, like, just by looking at the food I feel nauseous and it makes me want to vomit sometimes, but I never really did!! Also, I guess thats pretty obvious, but my diet has become terrible. One day, I went to check my weight and I'm obviously underweight, plus I sometimes skip meals because I don't want to eat or I'm disgusted (or nauseous) by the food. But I really dont have problem with my weight, actually I kinda wish I had more body mass. OFC I WILL TALK TO PROFESSIONALS!!! I will come back to my psychologist!! But im just posting this because last saturday I felt really bad bcs I was on a pizzeria and couldnt eat anything, I felt my hands trembling and started crying, from there on, always I looked to my hands they were trembling. It only decreased starting on wednesday or thursday, even now, my hands are trembling, but much less. Does someone have some idea of what all of this is???? How I said, I will look out for my psychologist, but none of what I searched looked like this. I really dont know if I should post this here, but I guess is the most close of what I should. BTW sorryyyy, english is not my first language, and I did used the translator sometimes.

I don't fucking know what to do because I love to purge so much. I feel so much better every time I throw up. Does anyone is in the same situation as me? I think I might need to talk about it to someone else to my psychologist

I’m on vacation, staying with and visiting family and also trying new foods. The trying new FOODS (REAL foods) isn’t the problem for me here, but the lack of structure in meals (e.g. me asking my aunt “When/Will we eat dinner?”, and her replying “No rules here, we eat whenever and wherever”. And I was flabbergasted - how will I ever function?)
Here in my aunts house she also bought a lot of- shit? Like cookies, chips, full-sugar soda… I don’t want any of that. I don’t want to sound egotistical, and I am fully aware of the fact that I’m not the only one here, and that my aunt also has prepared or left some veggies for me along with real (healthy) food, but the problem isn’t just “healthy vs unhealthy”, it’s about me not wanting to eat something, but not being able to not do it.
Just yesterday, our first day here, I ate some of the foods, which I wouldn’t really want to eat, and I think tasting it is okay, but I didn’t have to do more than that. It wasn’t a binge, but it wasn’t just tasting. I don’t want that to happen, and it also consumed a lot of my mental energy, along with making me too anxious to want to eat dinner.
This anxiousness is probably also from thinking I binged or just having stopped a potential binge, and that’s just scary.

How should I deal with this? It’s not as simple as thinking “I don’t want it, so I won’t eat it” or “I don’t want it, but I’ll eat it” or “I don’t want it, but I do want it? I’ll eat it”.

I hate my self. Why can’t i eat like a normal human. I want better body. I have lost a few pounds by purging. I feel so bad when i eat something. I can’t even purge cause my best friend might hear me and she will be mad at again. I started taking laxatives.