I met up with my ADHD partner in May in person. I have known of/about her for over a decade as we came from the same high school just were never in the same circle, but followed each other for that long of time on social media and had common social interests/causes, so we’ve been cool so to speak for quite some time just never were 1 on 1. That changed in May when we met up and it went great. We saw each other once a week or every other week until I recently moved away for the year back to the state I was at (complicated back story but she knows it all and handled it well when discussed which was great). I wrote her a poem to ask her out officially (she said yes no hesitation) after we had the talk of being interested in each other and seeing how it plays out despite long distance for a year on the horizon as neither of us expected to be dating anyone yet here we are. When we are together everything feels good; there’s no pressure, no awkward moments, she yaps, I listen and have a great time it’s like long lost friends that have known we’ve been into each other to see romantically what’s possible. It’s never been intense or heavy though, so it was not like a huge hyper fixation or anything (dated ADHD before and it was the complete opposite starting point/feel) I’ve met two of her closest friends and her mom cooked dinner for us literally the night before I moved, which was really sweet. I also have plans to be back very like 6-8 weeks and she’s more than welcome to stay where I am or go on a vacation together so it’s not like I’ll never see her; even have set dates I’ll be back in six weeks that she knows about.

Now, the problem is it’s only been about three weeks of being away. I’ve done either a text, quick voice note, or picture once maybe twice a day so nothing too crazy or all lovey dovey either just being consistent with her. I even decided once a week to send a handwritten letters for each day of the week to her. Again, nothing too much intensity wise this early on, but trying to show continued interest and care and do something different without any pressure since it’s long distance and texting is like pulling teeth most of the time. I want to schedule FaceTimes or calls, but I also haven’t heard back in a week.

I’ve done a lot of work on myself to be emotionally aware/capable, but I have never dealt with a whole week going by and not getting any acknowledgment at all (usually two maybe three days max with her so this is a huge change to me at least especially while agreeing to be exclusive and dating). She is busy with work for sure, but it’s not like shes not on her phone at times either and again a whole week of nothing has me confused with a tad bit of worry. What the heck do I say or do at this point as she’s a great person, but no communication in a LDR is damn near death lol All I have right now is to send one last quick text of “I know you’ve got a lot going on that may be overwhelming you the past week, so checking in to make sure you’re doing okay and I’ll stop piling on after this to give you a minute. Let’s FaceTime to catch up though on Sunday at 7PM and talk then?” I’m just at a loss and need advice.

TLDR: new relationship LDR ADHD gf hasn’t responded or acknowledged me in a week. What to do or say as I want things to work with someone I know is a good person

I find with adhd Im constantly confused by what Ive done wrong. Or if ive done something wrong im uncertain then i worry. Do people just constantly feel that they are disappointing people in their relationships?

How do you cope?

HELLO all!! My boyfriend and I met at college and have been dating for almost two years. He has ADHD and I do not, so our brains are SO incredibly different.
I love dinner dates. They make me feel loved- the food, dressing up, deep conversation, the romance (bonus if he plans it sometimes). But when we actually went on one… it was awkward. Come to find out, he doesnt like dinner dates at all. He doesnt like dressing up, sitting still, or feeling like he cant be himself. Hes basically 24/7 having a second stimulus, whether its music while working or needing to stare at/think about something while listening. Im trying to understand it, but for me the conversation IS the stimulus. He says he can “suck it up” for dinner dates, but I wish he didnt have to.
The bigger issue is conversation. Emotionally I NEED deep conversations and always cherished them with my mom and best friend. It hurt hearing that he gets drained from almost all one-on-one conversations, INCLUDING me. He says it isnt because of me and doesnt mean he loves me any less- he just needs alone time to recharge. Sometimes if life is stressful, we might only briefly see each other for a week or two.
Other ADHD-related things, like respecting his bedtime routine, Ive learned to understand and those arent really issues anymore.
But with this idk.

1. Is this a compatibility issue if deep conversations are such an important need for me?
   
2. Can anyone with ADHD (or autism? Overlapping symptoms idk) relate or explain this?
   
3. Any advice?
   
4. I feel very fulfilled in my relationship when its good, but this has me worried.

EDIT: TO CLARIFY!! We have had good conversations before, and he actually can be quite social even in group settings. Its like he likes it but it doesn’t recharge him- does that make sense? He likes to think deeply and share ideas i feel- for example going on a walk while talking helps because theres a second stimulus. By the way this is like, the nicest guy ever, i cant stress that more. If anything i just worry that maybe someone else who has ADHD would be better at understanding him. Also, he seems to be able to play videogames with people fine while on call for sustained periods, which could be another way for us to connect. He seems to not like being alone with his thoughts because they never stop.

Hi all,

My partner and I are both diagnosed with ADHD, but he’s not been as interested in researching or pursuing counseling for it as I have (yay, hyperfixations!). Something he seems to really struggle with (and I can as well) is rejection sensitivity— when something small goes wrong or triggers him, especially if he’s already feeling stressed or frustrated about something else, he can get overly upset about it or spiral. For instance, skipping a song he likes or his coworkers having better office equipment suddenly feel personal and targeted.

These seem like they’re pretty textbook examples of rejection sensitivity (or at least, emotional dysregulation) and I’d like to bring up the topic to him and explain what it is and see if he’d consider talking to a professional or doing some research into it but don’t want to do so in a way that comes off as an attack. Any advice?

Hi there everyone, I’m a 25-year-old female and my partner is a 26-year-old male. As of late he has been in a bit of a depressed state. He normally does have highs and lows like everyone else but he has seemed to stay in a low period for much longer than normal this time round. My partner hasn’t been officially diagnosed with ADHD but I do suspect that he may have it as apparently it is genetic and his dad does have ADHD. However my partner is nothing like his dad. So I am unsure if ADHD does show up differently in different people. I’m making this post to hopefully get some help or recommendations on what to do. My partner is a very mainly man and doesn’t like it to get help from other people. I am very very worried about him at the moment. He has been self-medicating ever since he was like 17 years old. Why does he self medicate, because his brain can’t calm down without it. I really don’t understand how his brain works and what he goes through every day but it sounds horrendous. He already has a really stressful life as it is. He owns and runs his own earthmoving business which is very stressful because he can’t just come home and disconnect from his work. He works 24 seven every single day. He is on the job doing stuff in relation to the business. However, when it comes to nighttime he does get more depressed because he can’t seem to turn his brain off. He says that his brain just goes at 1,000,000 miles an hour and he can’t seem to calm it down which is why he turns to smoking and drinking because it’s the only way in order for him to feel calm. When he does self medicate he finally seems calm and happy. So while I know who this does maybe sound like he is an addict and addicted to these things. I don’t really think that he is. I think that he is purely just craving having a cigarette or a drink because it is the only way for him to finally feel calm in his brain. Without that he is just so depressed and he just can’t seem to find happiness in everyday life. I’m unsure if all of this is normal or not. I think that may be something going on with his brain. His brain obviously works a little bit differently to mine as I really am struggling to understand how his brain works. As of late I’ve been very very worried about him as I just want him to be happy and okay. I do feel like I can’t really do anything to help him as I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to help. There’s really nothing I can do to make it better. The only way that I can think of making it better is by him going and seeing a psychiatrist because I don’t think that him talking about this with a psychologist is going to fix what is happening and help what is going on in his brain. There’s no way that just talking about this with someone is going to make his brain calm down. But from what I’ve heard psychiatrists don’t work over the weekend and they’re very expensive and only do like one hour sessions which would mean that my partner would have to take a day off work to just see a psychiatrist for one hour which wouldn’t be enough time for him to talk about everything and explain what’s going on in his brain. I’m wondering if there’s any way for him to see a psychiatrist for a couple of hours instead of just one. I’m the one pushing to get him help. He’s been like this for so long. I think he just thinks that this is normal but it’s not. So that’s what’s going on. I feel very helpless and I don’t understand why getting mental health help is so expensive. I’m not a professional in any means but I do think that the only way for him to get better is by being on a medication and that process seems to be very lengthy and expensive. Which is something that he doesn’t want to do so what do I do? We just allow him to keep self-medicating which he has been doing ever since I’ve known him. Any helpful tips or advice would be really appreciated.

Hi everyone,

I (F) have been with my boyfriend (AuDHD: Autistic + ADHD) for 2 years. I live with severe chronic conditions (hEDS, MCAS, ME/CFS) that make me physically dependent on him to some extent.

We love each other, but we’re stuck in a dynamic that exhausts me and is hurting our relationship:

Presence & Hyperfocus: He is on his phone 24/7, struggles to stay present, and has a strong need for independence and alone time.

Blunt Communication: When he's tired or anxious, he can be very cold, tell me bluntly "I don't care" about a topic, or ask me to make our conversations "more interesting."

Communication Breakdown: Whenever I try to express that something hurt my feelings, he feels rejected/attacked, gets defensive ("that's just how I am, I can't help it", "maybe we should just end it then"), and I end up shutting down and feeling completely isolated.

On my end, the chronic stress triggers severe physical flare-ups. On his end, he feels overwhelmed and feels like a "bad partner" no matter what he does.

We both want to find actionable ways to improve together.

Do you have any advice or concrete ground rules to balance his need for freedom/solitude with my need for quality presence/physical support?

How can I communicate when my feelings are hurt without triggering a RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) defensive reaction in him?

And any other advice because we want to be together.

Thanks a lot for your support!

Could someone advise me on what I did wrong or what’s gone on? He’s been like a different person since the meds? Is this normal? Will he regret it? I’ll take accountability but just don’t know what for at the moment. Any advice or perspective welcomed. He has adhd and rsd.

My boyfriend and I have broken up. Before this I helped him set up his new home, drove him places after he lost his licence and helped him reunite with his friendship group after he went off the rails last year. People who have seen him have commented on how much happier and styled he is. But We have been arguing a lot for month. I didn’t like how he was so flirty with women online and he was very defensive over it. He wanted me to meet his children but this stressed him out. He would say he loved me and wanted a future with me but was worried I would leave. So I kept staying. When he got defensive he would be very cold and would say unpleasant things. During arguments I would argue back, panic and get very upset which would just anger him more. I explained that the flirting with others really bothered me. When he was getting custody of his children for the first time overnight on his own he started to get very stressed and easily wound up. He would be very defensive, reactive and argumentative. The first sleepover with his children went wrong, he reacted badly went out drinking and thought he’s lost his keys and rang me in the middle of the night. I drove 40mins to sort it, while I was doing this he was flirting inappropriately with at least two other women. The next day he became very depressed and volatile. When I went to see him the day after he was still volatile and got angry when I mentioned the women. Again saying unkind things. I didn’t leave when I should’ve and it drove me to a panic attack which he called drama (I have ptsd). The next day he had an adhd assessment which led him to have to go through his life including all the traumas. He then started medication for his adhd. He was very obsessive over it. The messaging women thing continued and we kept clashing over it. But he kept saying he loved me and wanted me to meet his children. He became more volatile and sensitive. Was drinking more. At the same time he got involved with neighbours who are drug users and started to take cocaine himself. All of which he denied. There also started to be trouble in his neighbourhood. There were fights and police involvement. This stressed him and he tried to get involved. The sleepovers with his children went ok but were tiring for him. We had nice weekends away and time together and he kept saying I had saved his life. He got very ill and I took him to an and e, sitting with him for hours. He said no one else would help him. He had also been taking his adhd medication badly (too much or none at all) Also still drinking. I then heard some gossip that he’d told people we’d split and he was sending flirty voice notes to other women - I have since found out this was true. I told him about the gossip and he became totally obsessed with it and wound up. He was very volatile about it. Lied about going to a pub and acting very strangely. The obsession over the gossip kept going. I would keep arguing it and saying it didn’t matter and I didn’t believe it. This boiled over on one evening where I just wanted to see him and have a hug. He started renting about the gossip. He was drunk. Still not taking his adhd medication properly. Wouldn’t believe me. Started messaging the person who’d told who denied it. I got very upset. He insisted I ring the person who didn’t pick up. He insisted I did this three times. He started to accuse me of making it up. I was getting very upset and went into a freeze mode. He asked me to leave. I just couldn’t. I was frozen which happens. I know I should have. I was just so upset. He was shouting and slamming doors.I told him to stop it because I just wanted the accusations to stop. He rang a friend and when I heard it was his friend I said help. This infuriated him. His friend turned up. That night we broke up. And decided it was over properly a couple of days later. He said I shouted. I didn’t - his friend confirmed this. I was upset and sounded it but I didn’t shout. Since this he has called my actions unforgivable and doesn’t want to see me ever again. He’s made me the villain even admitting he hadn’t told anyone that I have ptsd and react in that way.

I’m so confused and don’t know what to think. What did I do wrong? He has adhd and rsd.

Please advise

Hi! I'm diagnosed ADHD, my partner is neurotypical.

We've been together for a few years now, and moved in together almost a year ago. I had a list of "demands" as to what I need the new place to be; my old one was being rented to me by a friend so I had some benefits (like being able to get a dog and raise it there, relatively low rent price comparing to standard etc). I needed a park closeby to not feel discouraged from walking the dog for longer walks, needed my own room, a couple of other things. One of those requirements was a dishwasher, as I know historically it's the one thing that always defeats me, takes away all joy from my life, drains all of my executive energy, and produces a crazy amount of guilt and perceived time pressure.

We found the perfect place, it ticked off all of our requirements, the only one missing being a dishwasher. My partner said it's not an issue as his primary chore in his previous house/at his parents was dishwashing, so he is completely fine with doing the dishes. I also, just from knowing him, knew he did dishwashing every day. I didn't consider that he was being pressured into it but that's another can of worms entirely.

The deal was as such: I am a good cook and he is absolutely hopeless in the kitchen, nor was he interesting in learning much. I usually prepare all of our meals myself, he does like 80% of the grocery runs since it's on his way and I'm working from home. I take care of all the grocery lists and planning etc.

And here comes the issue that I still don't know how to untangle. He doesn't do the dishes regularly, and rarely does them if I don't ask, usually repeatedly. My thing on the other hand is hating to ask people to do stuff or expecting things, as I usually feel guilt over my own chores being incomplete etc. And I still struggle with this a lot, but as for the deal with cooking-dishwashing, I always cook and make sure he's got his dinner, sometimes even during work that I then finish later just to make sure it's there for him when he gets back home. The general vibe in our household is to not pressure each other into doing things, always deal with each other with understanding, patience, and generally not prioritizing things that don't bring us happiness. I would never be cross at him for cleaning on Sunday instead of Saturday because he decided to game more, or moving the whole weekly weekend cleaning entirely for another weekend because we want to spend the two days in bed/outside of the house entirely.

The issue that at first seemed to me like just a part of figuring out a routine became a pattern now. He only does the dishes when the kitchen is so cluttered I can't move in it. It then takes him two days to do the dishes because washing them all at once is impossible as he would also have to actively dry them instead of putting them on the rack to dry on their own (we both refuse to wipe them lol). Oftentimes all the dishes are dirty so that I don't even have a clean spoon or fork, or we are out of clean plates. The thing about this is it overwhelms me terribly, even before it gets *that* bad, the issue is I hate cooking in this environment. It's become a chore and I feel like it impacts me so much that I don't do other chores as often as I should just because of the state of the kitchen. I just hate walking into the kitchen most days because it's always super cluttered with dishes everywhere and dirty and it's hard to even find a spot to cook on as it's not a big kitchen at all.

As I said, I have ADHD and I assume most people here know what it comes with. Sometimes I am late with my regular chores, sometimes I do them all in one day but crash afterwards cause I didn't go to sleep to do them. Sometimes I'm really good with my chores. But I take this topic kind of separate as it was part of that deal we made, I cook and you do the dishes. I tried communicating to him that I'd like for him to do the dishes more often and that I wish I didn't have to ask as he can check the state of the kitchen at any time too. I don't know how to move on because he now took on the responsibility of doing the dishes as this trouble and chore he *hates* - he will sigh for days before getting around to cleaning them, is very moody when doing them or preparing to do them, and just overall acts very angry about having to do them. And I relate to this deeply, because I have some chores that give me the same reaction, so then it feels unfair to demand him to do something IMMEDIATELY, especially that I crumble if met with the same expectation as everything has to be done when my mind decides it's time. I also refuse to do the dishes myself, because first of all I also hate doing the dishes and it's been a struggle for me for my whole life, but also because from past relationships I know if I start doing this instead of him, I will start begrudging him for it, or feel resentment. On days where all of the dishes are dirty and I still need to cook, I just tell him what needs cleaning for me to be able to cook said meal and then plate it.

He's good about the rest of his chores, he splits dog responsibilities with me 50/50, we split specific rooms to clean every weekend (like I do bathroom he does bedroom etc - although very often nowadays he treats doing the dishes as the weekend chore activity too - though he does wipe all of the surfaces etc after doing them). He understands some of my requirements, for example for me to vacuum he needs to take out the vacuum and plug it, which for him isn't an issue and for me is a task pile that makes vacuuming hard otherwise. We usually take out the trash together while walking the dog for a longer walk on the weekend. His veto was cleaning the floors, which I don't mind doing, but my veto was indeed doing the dishes.

I feel both extremely tired of this, and also feel like I can't possibly have an issue with him over it. The reason he doesn't do it regularly is because he hates it as much as I do, so it would be hypocritical of me to expect him to do it regularly. I feel like I don't have the right to demand any sort of regularity on doing the dishes (at least every two days) when my biggest issues in life are regularity and doing things on my own time, and he has enough grace to never demand anything from me aside from some useful reminders that something needs doing.

Has anyone gone through something similar? I have no idea how to progress with this situation, but I know I'm uncomfortable living like this at the moment, it's a drain on my somedays limited resources. It makes me dislike spending time in the kitchen, which I usually love doing, and has taken all the joy out of making a meal for myself and someone I love. I also feel like he is breaking that contract we made where the dishwasher was the requirement and he decided to take on those responsibilities. But I also am aware that this isn't that deep, it was just wishful thinking and it's not working out like it - I sure made those too in the past. And it just feels so hypocritical to like give him a weird ultimatum or be harsh about this, but at the same time I have no idea how to even have this conversation as me plainly talking about this being an issue turns into a conversation where he relates to hating doing the dishes and just complains about it more. And sadly, a dishwasher installation is not possible here, and we can't leave for the next 2.5 years.

I have a relationship an adhd women since 8 months, we are both 22 y.o, how should i behave during a fight?, sometimes i burned out and getting so much angry then i regret it and am suffering from a guilty conscience. Really i love her so much and i need a few advices. i dont want broke her.

Hello, I hope this is an ok place to post this. this is obviously a throw away. I'm sure this is something beaten into the ground all the time, but I am at a loss here, so much so that I am here. I (33m) have found myself catching feelings for my friend (31f). Our history is long and messy. We met in high school and ultimately went to undergrad together. Full disclosure, I can absolutely say that during undergrad, I did try asking her out then. I couldn't take no for an answer then, and it caused a good amount of friction. Enough so that we ended up being estranged for about a year and a half. As such, Our relationship can be divided into two eras, pre and post estrangement.

Now, for some brief background that will be important later, Both my friend and I are neurodivergent, both have ADHD and are medicated for it. Might be some other stuff floating around in our noggins, but that's what's for certain. My friend is adopted. Her birth parents signed her over to her step father when she was like a pre-teen. When I met her, I also ended up meeting her step father. The story they told me then was that they were basically abandoned by their family, that they were all they had, that they have been wronged by so many people, etc. This was further reinforced by the whole adoption thing. That her parents were scum because of them signing her over to her step father. During this time, her step father made it apparent that they my friend and him were basically a package deal. That if I wanted to pursue any relationship with her, that I'd have to more or less have one with him. This should have been an early red flag, but I a young man at the time didn't see it, being too blinded by trying to further my relationship with her. And so, I befriended them both. We carried on well into undergrad and even a little after wards. All together, this was probably 5 or 6 years. During this time, my friend became diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder. This created another facet to our relationship that required alot of changes. I started learning how to care for and deal with people with bi-polar because I loved this woman, and wanted to support her. This of course was all in vain since as I mentioned prior, we became estranged due to my feelings towards her then.

I mentioned before that my relationship with my friend was predicated on me having one with her step father. This is where it gets messy, so a little trigger warning I guess. The catalyst for our estrangement came from when her step father contacted me in the middle of the night like around 2am saying he needed my help. Apparently, he was trying to intervene in a romantic relationship of hers (not with me mind you) in the guise of protecting her due to the bi-polar thing. I didn't know any better, and I am still operating under the "we are a package thing", so of course I ignore the obvious red flags this throws up. I of course felt a certain way about all this due to why I was told we couldn't be a thing, but I'm worried about her safety at this point, and so I agree. One of the things he asked me to do was to keep it a secret from her. This was supposed to be something that went to the grave kind of thing. Some weeks later, He decided to tell her what he had done. He did not disclose my involvement, but it left me sort of holding the bag if you will, and I was still supposed to keep my involvement a secret. I could not confront my friend or tell her how I felt about everything or why I was acting the way I was (I was a mess then). I had nobody to tell about this. After it became apparent we wouldn't be seeing each other though when our estrangement happened, I decided to tell her everything. Her step father proceeded to tell me how much of a piece of shit I was and everything, that I didn't care about them. And that was that. I tried going to therapy after all of this, and my first handful of therapists were incapable of giving me help. They just sat there and affirmed whatever bullshit I said.

Then about a year, almost two years later, he contacts me out of the blue, asking me if I wanted some items as I guess he was moving. I stupidly agree to meet him, and there he tells me that my friend is in grad school, and hes moving to where she is and asks for my help. And just like that, I was dragged back in. I was able to reconnect with my friend at this point. Around covid, she started seeing someone, and it was around this time that she called me one night and told me a whole lot of stuff. This is the messy bit.

During this time, she had told me that her step father abused her. Physical, mental, financial, sexual, you name it. He was deliberately unemployed to force her to support him. Did all sorts of heinous shit when she was still young. That's as much as I want to disclose on that. When this happened, it was like scales fell from my eyes. All the doubts I had that I ignored then, all the comments uninvolved parties made that I brushed off, they all made sense. It also meant that everything I ever did when I thought I was helping, was actually just me being a tool in controlling her. I never sobbed so hard as that day. I wanted to die. I was this close to fucking off to Ukraine when this happened. Apparently, her step father made people's lives hell whenever men tried to court her. Now I know why. Anyways, she was seeing someone until around xmas of last year where he broke up with her. Now, my friend being adopted, has no family at all. We do know who her birth family is, but they want nothing to do with her. She's not religious, they are, etc. So, I'm all she has left. This is where I come in now. When this happened, she moved in with me. She had no where else to go and I had no idea what to do. Now that we've lived together for some months, we've talked alot about the past, talked about the lies we've told eachother, the things that she had done at the request of her step father. for example, they were poor, and one time needed food. Her step father did now want anyone to know this, but he did know how I felt about his daughter. So he got her to ask me to buy them food (not in a charitable way, more like "oh man, I really want mcdonalds. If only someone would get it" kind of way.)

We have lived with eachother now for almost 8 months, and I am finding myself falling for her again. In my mind, this is a whole new person in a sense. Like we are living without facades and whatever else. I don't know what to do with this though. I have not said anything, and I have not acted in a way that belies my feelings that I can tell. She's comfortable around me and trusts me, and I don't want to take that from her. My home is a place for her to relax and be herself without throwing up images that exhaust her. All I want for her is to be safe and happy. I don't want to betray that trust, but I also can't help what i feel either. This is like a missing puzzle piece for me. I feel like such a piece of shit for this since I know the whole discourse of male friends falling for their female friends, but it is what it is right now. What do I do? We are looking at new places to live possibly. She's trying to find work that may result in her moving, that hasn't happened though as time is running out before we have to renew our lease before winter. I genuinely care for this woman. She's pretty, funny, passionate about her work, she's strong, she inspires me to be better and take care of myself, she understands me in a way that lots of other people don't. Do I say anything and risk hurting her? Do I hurt myself and carry on? We live in an expensive area, and so in a way, we both rely on eachother in so many interlayered ways at the moment.

tl;dr, I have a friend with a long and troubled history. I am pretty sure I'm in love with them.

I’m looking for honest experiences from NT+ND couples. I’m the non-ADHD (f) partner of a not dx (m), and we’ve been together for about 2.5 years.

Have any of you actually made it work long-term—not just survived, but built a relationship that feels stable, mutually supportive, and genuinely happy?
If so, what made the biggest difference? Was it learning about ADHD together, medication, therapy, systems, or something else?

I’m asking because I come across so many stories from partners who feel chronically exhausted and whose quality of life has steadily declined. I also know people are more likely to post when they’re struggling than when things are going well.

I’m not looking for reassurance or false hope. I genuinely want to know whether our relationships can become healthy and sustainable—and if yours did, what actually helped?

First time poster ever.

Me 34 - ADHD diagnosis October 2025. 60mg elvanse (lisdexamphetamine)

Him 33 - undiagnosed autistic.

I'm lost and I need help or views or opinions or anything!

Briefly, significant trauma thought-out life and childhood (mother with significant MH issues, had to wake her up to feed me etc).

Also had a number of significant bereavements recently of very strong anchors in my life (grandparents).

I have spent my entire life worried and anxious.

Not straight (no good with labels). Huge gay shame (reinforced by parents). Totally isolated from family until recently (below). I think it's fear of being rejected so, I just keep away

With my first and only proper partner. House together, joint finances, cats. I have a reasonably successful career (lawyer) but not rich by any means!

Got with him 10 years ago. Came out to mother when she was staying over with me for a night or two as I liked him and was actually going to be in a relationship with him for the first time.

She tried to kill herself that week. Not my fault but obviously 'take the blame' for it and clearly learn, saying what you want can hurt people.

I bond to him closer.

Together for a year before I say I'm looking for somewhere to live. He asks what about him. So now I have a house... No idea how it actually happened.

Cheated multiple times. Most he knows about. Always ends in a shame spiral and trying to push him away as I will hurt him etc etc.

Note that I am not actively suicidal but, I have always had daily thoughts. I have believed for at at least 15 years that I will die one day by suicide. That's not a nice thing to think.

He never left. However, I would take all blame, all my fault. Totally oblivious as to cause other than it being all my fault.

Throw myself 100pc back into him. Isolate myself. Keep away from others to remove temptation.

Very unhealthy relationship with sex. Can only meet people sexually. It's like I need to share that state to be friendly and open? Still working on this.

Sex died off 7 years ago if not longer.

30 months or so ago, agreed I could meet other people. Get sexual gratification which might help.

Meet a younger trans girl. Really exciting. Confident. Good looking.

Starts fun. Both fall into a pattern of just existing together. Turns out I love this... I can just exist and be there and she wants me there and I want to be there.

Idea was poly-ish relationship. She would see people and I would. However, I would get jealous whenever she did and told her (as I did with 'primary' partner) that I would hold her back and she should leave me etc etc.

However, house and living conditions are horrific. I do not understate when I say I was not allowed in the kitchen more than perhaps 4 times. Really disgusting with rotten food etc

Remainder of house in a similar vein. No flooring, no paint or wall coverings generally. Food, drinks, rubbish all over.

Same dead spider on the wall for well over 18 months.

She refused all help offered. Turns out she suffered significant trauma too and almost definitely has ADHD.

See her on Sunday, 28 June 26. Talking about me painting her bathroom to help her and make it look a bit nicer. Improve her mood. She is insatiable. Wants me. Loves me like the nothing else.

I miss the flag that she fell out with her only other friend 2 weeks before and hadn't spoken to them and it was just me she had left.

I was going through a bad time mentally. ADHD diagnosis, struggling with boundaries at work. Inability to trust people at work and in life.

Goes back in Grindr (my suggestion) as I wanted her to just speak with more people.

Goes on 1 date in Monday, 29 June 2026.

Tell me the next day (via text) that she decided she is monogamous and that she just wants me but can't have me so we aren't a thing. She doesn't feel the same way anymore (new and shiny, ADHD makes sense).

I don't process it and basically just agree. Then, I spiral. I go suicidal. Worst ever. I was certain it was happening.

I go paint for her as some sort of ridiculous last act of help so she has a nice memory. I do a terrible job which doesn't help.

I leave the next day after us having spoken bits. We have had sex the night before.

As I leave, she isn't sure if she wants me in her life anymore is how it was left. I however am certain of my own death at the time. I say all the nice things I can. I then say not for her not to blame herself if we don't talk anymore.

She oanics, she gets very upset as she thinks I'm going to commit (she's right). I dissociate from my own emotions as I am very good at doing (did this in Feb 2025 with grandmother to sort out the legal issues and the emotional and physical care needs of grandfather. I never grieved for either when he died too).

I tell her it's fine, not her fault etc.

I leave and think about the other things I need to sort out before I do it.

Then remember things I never told her. I wanted her to have someone telling her how great she was because I was worried for her too (she has been closer to suicide. On the other side of the rails and the only things that stopped her were her other friend, her brother (estranged from all her family at the time and still is) and me.

In my mind, she had no one now.

I pull over and send a few videos saying how great she is etc and fighting through tears. Humiliating in hindsight but, I was going to die.

Next day she panics and tells me she is calling police. I stop her. I still tell her it is almost matter of fact that it's happening. Might be better to block so she is not left on unread.

I am in the throes of a breakdown.

However, I have a little breakthrough. I get myself out of it thinking about why. Realising it's her ADHD. She wanted me as she saw stability. She got a little bit of it when I was there but I always left. It was like I was abandoning her every time I left.

I need to tell her. I do. It raises so many other issues in her life from past trauma.

However, after that day of talking, I had too much and had to leave. I slept for a day straight (this is a week after dumping).

More goes on. She starts no contact. I can't deal but the time gives me a chance to slow down and try to reflect.

I am isolated generally and intentionally but force myself out and speak to friends from work etc.

They say she just sounds like a dick (I had been seeking answers in neurodivergence but I think I have landed in her just being a dick. I couldnt have done the same as she did to me. I would agonise over it. It would not be in a single night.

However, the reflection makes me think about primary relationship. Why did I need another person?

He is autistic. Sheltered life. Very data driven. Takes no enjoyment in playing with problems. If I tell him something, that is the case forever, unless and until I tell him differently.

I am now in a position where I understand a bit more about my decisions and why. Scared of being abandoned and alone.

Now though, although it's a nice thought exercise to imagine a proper relationship with her, I'm pretty sure she's a dick and now has no one except this new guy who she knows nothing about. She wants space as will 'always hold a candle' but that seems cliche rubbish. Can't even be friends she says.

I want to tell her what I think. That's she's a dick for doing what she did. I'm resisting that urge so far as telling her that she was just doing the magpie ADHD trait of new and shiny and 100pc throwing into a new thing is her RSD and dopamine hunting... That was a mistake as they reinforced her decision it seems (argument clearly so rejection and needed to defend herself).

With my partner now, I'm thinking if I can stay. I feel like I will cause more harm than good to him and myself.

This is the first time I have actually thought about me and my needs.

I think I genuinely need some 'looking after'. I need checking in on.

If he asks if I am okay, I say yes and he accepts it. Even if I'm not. He will not check back. He sees no need to.

He has never brought up sex since we stopped. Now I can't do it with him even if he asked. It would feel awkward.

He isn't overly affectionate. I get a hug in the morning and a kiss before work. A hug when we get home and that's usually it.

I crave human contact (likely my shitty relationship with sex).

Just last night, watching Hail Mary and I laughed at something Rocky did which was laugh out loud funny. He barely looked amused (doesn't show emotions well). I felt like an idiot.

I tried to get some affection by just moving my hand on his leg. Not even noticed. When he heard me sigh, asked did I was alright and I said yes and I said it a way that someone would pick up on it... Nothing.

Yes, I know I could have said but, I didn't want him to feel bad! He summarised our conversation and my view of him as an 'inept human'. I nipped that quickly as it isn't his fault and I know that.

I am stressed by him and constantly make decisions for him out of fear because I cannot read him. He is blank to me.

Had the discussion about me needing looking after etc (I don't eat, I work too much, I don't look after myself in terms of simple self care if I get too exhausted with work etc).

Tears and he shut down for an hour and couldn't talk.

I don't know what to do.

Am I trapped in the cycle with him because it is so ingrained in the relationship from the start? Can it be fixed?

Or should I cut it all?

This is the first time this has happened where I understand my condition, my trauma and the RSD.

Should I start new in my own or see if I can make it work? The risk is falling back into the same patterns and this happening again where I might not make it through to the end next time.

Want to know anything else, just ask. I'm lost and just need to say it somewhere.

My DX gf has trouble sleeping. Firstly she sleeps very lightly. I can wake her up by getting out of bed, even if I try to do it incredibly slowly and gently. Or by turning over. Or sometimes seemingly by looking at her. I also snore which can be quite loud and this wakes her up too but it would wake anyone up. She worries at night. More often than not (and I feel like she doesn't accept this) but I would go so far as to say almost every time she then will become angry at me for very minor things like sighing or saying the word "yeah" with a grumpy inflection. And then sometimes she will want to talk about something, like the fact that we don't have sex enough (we have mismatched sex drives), not that this isnt' something I want her to not feel she can talk about, but at 5am it feels a bit much.Also i does sort of feel like it conveniently leads to more rage towards me. In the night I'm asked to go into the sitting room. I actually find this quite a relief cos then I'm away from the volatility. However the impact on my sleep over the last 5 years cannot be overstated. I mean it's so commonplace to have 2/3 hours a night taken up the stress and drama of it. Then she'll go back to sleep but I'll tend to stay awake then. I can't get back to sleep myself sometimes, and also I think I kind of relish the peace after that so tend to just read wiki articles on my phone. It's strange, sometimes I'll maybe pointedly try to explain how much effort I put into NOT waking her up. I suppose as if I'm trying to say "look! This is how you do it!". But I can't quite get her to see how damaging it is. I've never flat out said "the sleep thing is a really big deal to me". It's like when she's in pain like that, I feel like the very fact that I'm asleep is sort of angering to her, so there's no sense that my sleeping is ringfenced for me, or has any sort of sanctity attached to it. When I try to explain that to her, it's like I'm sort of saying a load of bluster and bullshit that I don't really mean. Like she can kind of get onboard with it in theory, but the idea that I should ACTUALLY have my sleeping respected doesn't seem to compute to her. The confusing bit is that if I have to get up for work before her, if I make any noise at all, she will be sort of outraged that I've woken her up. It seems like such an incredibly simple and clear disparity. It really messes with my mind that she can't see this.

Anyhow, the accumulated lack of sleep i think is sending me a bit mad. I really feel for her cos her brain just loops regrets and worries all night long. But I really need to SOMEHOW reassert my boundaries about my own sleeping. cos having it controlled by someone else is quite dehumanising i feel

My ADHD partner is wonderful and on his game in so many ways. But he keeps dropping the ball in a way that really hurts. Plus he almost never wants to have sex.

Sex:

Past three months we have had sex 5 times. He says he is too stressed out by his to do list. And he says the NRE faded earlier this year and when it did, his libido dropped dramatically. After months of him wanting to fuck constantly.

Will his ADHD ever allow him to be interested in sex with me—familiar, and no longer novel—again? He claims it’s not about this, but…I guess I don’t believe him.

Ball-dropping:

He gets overwhelmed by scheduling and has, as a result, failed to request off of work for a few important things, including a trip I was very excited about, as well as our weekly couples therapy date.

The therapy date: he has forgotten two months in a row to submit the request—resulting in us missing a lot of therapy as well as doing excess labor to reschedule.

As far as the trip he failed to ask off for—we didn’t go, as a result. It’s the second trip this summer we have missed as a result of his actions.

******** ****** ******

I’m beginning to wonder if I have a partner, or just a nice friend. How can I support him to at least get on his game with scheduling?

I’m hurting and when he drops the ball, I begin to wonder if I matter much to him at all. I carry so much in this relationship.

Hi everyone,
My fiancé (43M) and I (39F) have been together for 18 years. For a long time, he’s clearly been struggling with his mental health. In 2014, he experienced a complete mental health breakdown and spent two weeks inpatient, where he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. However, neither of us ever felt that diagnosis truly fit.
Recently, he underwent a comprehensive psychological evaluation, and it’s now been confirmed that he has both Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and ADHD. In many ways, finally having answers has been a huge relief. It’s helping us understand his behaviors, emotional regulation, and some of the intense reactions and outbursts we’ve struggled with over the years.
At the same time, we’re realizing that we need to completely rethink how we communicate with each other. Misunderstandings seem to escalate quickly, and sometimes conversations become so emotionally intense that I have to step away because I become overwhelmed myself.
I’d really love to hear from people with lived experience—whether you’re autistic, have ADHD, or you’re the partner of someone who does.
What communication strategies have helped your relationship?
How do you handle emotional outbursts or shutdowns without making things worse?
How do you know when to give space versus trying to work through an issue?
Are there any books, podcasts, or other resources that helped you better understand each other?
I love him deeply, and after 18 years together, I want us to learn how to support each other in healthier ways. Any advice or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

Just looking for advice or commiseration here. I (25f) have been with my partner with diagnosed ADHD (28m) for over 5 years now. We have been living together for 3.

Ever since the beginning of our relationship, he has been what I call “aggressively playful”. Wrestling around, picking at me frequently, making jokes of everything, never being still even when we are hugging each other. I feel like our energies are off 90% of the time. For context, we both have dx generalized anxiety as well.

In the beginning, he would say he just felt excited to see me and that his energy would come out with the excitement. I thought it was cute and that eventually he would calm down over time. We were both young and didn’t have many responsibilities at the time. He really brought excitement to mundane things, and I still love this about him. But this being the norm everyday has become exhausting.

Five years later, he still behaves exactly the same way, almost every day. It has begun to cause intimacy issues, emotional issues, and I even began going to a sex therapist to try to resolve some of this. What has come up is that his behavior on a daily basis does not make me feel loved/wanted/respected. And it feels like he doesn’t care at all since he continues behaving this way. It also feels like we have very few emotional intimacy/connection moments since I feel like he is just playing around all the time. In turn, this does not make me feel loved and safe enough to be vulnerable and open to sex.

For clarity, my partner loves me very much and he makes this very clear to me. I am not interested in breaking up. However, when I constantly have to ask him to change his behavior because it doesn’t make me feel loved, it gets very tiring and frustrating. And now I feel like it’s causing us bigger issues.

I truly don’t think he does these behaviors to hurt my feelings in any way. He is very impulsive and I think he often does not have great self-control. However I just feel constantly annoyed with him at this point. And then I feel like the bad guy because I’m constantly asking him to change his behavior. I’m not sure how much to forgive because he has pretty severe ADHD, or how much is just behavior change. He seems to understand that this bothers me, as I have literally been talking about it for about 4 years. But he doesn’t seem to have a grip on changing it.

Any advice? Anyone else seen this sort of behavior? I’m just finding it increasingly hard to manage as life gets harder. I want to grow together and I really want to improve our emotional and sexual intimacy. I just literally never want sex and I feel like I have to have my guard up - and I think it’s largely due to this issue.

first time poster, seeking tips, resources or names of professionals who might be able to help.

i (42/f) have been dating a man (35/m) for about 6 months. it’s mostly been wonderful, except we keep unintentionally hurting each others feelings largely through miscommunications and in stumbling on hidden triggers we don’t even realize are there from our past lives.

when we met, he was 1.5 years out from a divorce, and i was 1.5 years out of an 8 year relationship. both of us were taken advantage of financially and emotionally in our previous relationships; both of us spent a year healing ourselves and only started dating again 2-3 months before we met.

both of us had traumatic childhoods (in very different ways) and both of us have struggled with mental health throughout our lives.

i was diagnosed with adhd a few years ago and am medicated, in therapy, etc. he just did testing and received his diagnosis 2 months ago, and he’s trying non stimulant meds which i know can be an emotional rollercoaster as you start adjusting. i self medicated for 20 years and became an addict. i’ve been clean for 2 years and still actively engaged in recovery, therapy, meds, and sharing my feelings. both of us work stressful, demanding careers and feel burnt out.

he is a wonderful, thoughtful and sweet man. when we have these moments, we talk and work through them, calmly, and really maturely. but they keep happening, with greater frequency.

i am wondering if anyone knows of a couples therapist or resources for couples where both parties are struggling with adhd. i think having someone translate for us could be helpful.

has anyone else had a similar experience? i’d love to hear about what worked, didn’t work, and how you managed it.

thx in advance!

My partner 29 M (dx ADHD and ASD ) and I 29 F have been together for 10 years. In the beginning he straight up was very narcissistic and made a lot of enemies in college where we both met. Over the years things have been so challenging that I have now become a very angry person and I’m completely not myself around him. He is quite empathetic when I tell him how others hurt me but there are a lot of double standards when I’ve told him I’m hurt by him. Whenever I share an opinion about something he disagrees for the sake of disagreement without even thinking about a topic. Almost all positive changes I’ve seen over the years are because I have had to repeatedly bring it up and at this point I feel exhausted, tired and devoid of emotion towards him. He now has a problem because I’m caring and empathetic to everyone else but him and speaks of it as though he hasn’t led to this dynamic. I have wanted to leave but at times I’ve felt that he will not be okay at all and I’ll be blamed for it and also in some ways I’ve been dependant on him when I was chronically ill. I feel constantly heavy and low when I’m around him which I don’t feel otherwise. He’s very optimistic about working on the relationship and how everything will be okay though it hasn’t been. I now feel close to nothing for this person as I’ve been hurt way too much and now I’m made into the villain. Does anyone else feel the same?

I have been with my boyfriend for like 3 years and we have ups and downs like any couple would. I have adhd and my boyfriend has level 2 autism and I am very understanding and I understand his autism more then he does himself I believe as he makes fun of himself for it. I think I tend to overwhelm him because I put words to his feelings that he doesn’t even realize that. However I believe he can live without me and be w/o but I love him so much and he loves to be alone and me I need his company I’m very attached, I can manage to be alone for awhile but then I want his company but he isn’t like that. Now when I say he can be without me I mean he can probably be without me for a month or longer and be like oh.. I haven’t heard from my girlfriend in awhile he never initiates anything and I know he is bad at that due to his anxiety of that and just doesn’t think too due to it not being in his routine however I only initate and plan everything and when he will do the plans I suggest it’s only something he’s comfortable with such as staying inside or etc which is fine I’m fine with that but he will only do it every other week or maybe every once a month because he’s so burnt out and just wants to be alone and decompress I believe, I honesty am just assuming because he’s doesn’t tell me his feelings half of the time when I ask him why he doesn’t want to hangout or something he ignores me or says idk. However I need quality time with my boyfriend. For context two weeks before my birthday he didn’t text me for two weeks because he kept getting rejected from jobs and was moving his room and was stressed and forgot about me. I don’t know what to do because when I ask to hangout he’s always like no and I try to be like okay what if I come to ur house and he’s like no and I’m like okay i understand you really don’t wanna leave your house but we will just be in the house and I just really want to spend time with you and lay in bed and play games (which he loves games) and he still says no or says I’m tired or my head hurts and i understand but he can sleep in my bed and we can cuddle (he loves to cuddle )and he’s comfortable with staying inside I just don’t think he’s comfortable with the transition of going place to place. Like for example he cancelled on our anniversary and we played Roblox for 5 mins because he wanted to be alone

I work with my adhd girl mate which I do really like, we go out for drinks, have an awesome time, when I went away for 2 weeks, we spoke everyday about travelling together as she hates her job and we get on well.
When I got back I was anxious to see her and hadn’t slept in 48hrs due to work but saw her anyway, after a few drinks I passed out and she had to get me back to my vehicle to sleep it off.
We were meant to go camping that weekend but after the incident I tried calling to apologise and organise camping,she didn’t reply so my anxiety kicked in , tried calling a few times and she blocked me. Is there any way back from this? Can we discuss what happened?
Experiences and opinions please?

I (39F) have been with my partner (43M) for 5 years.

A source of ongoing contention has been my mother. My partner has ADHD and is very quick to "zone out" of conversations, not realize when people are directing conversations toward him, or just be in his own world when we are in a social situation and not participate in basic pleasantries like "what's new with you" "how have you been" etc.

I've mentioned this to him and he admits it but I've asked that he work on it because my family is getting the impression he's rude. I've explained to my family also his ADHD and they try to be patient but it doesnt get much better.

Today again we were in the car heading to breakfast with my mother and she was talking to him, very clearly looking at him trying to make eye contact as he's staring out the window zoning out. Repeatedly my mother went Tom??? TOM?? after periods of silence where he wouldn't answer only for him to finally snap back in answer her question then go right back to looking out the window.

I gently nudged him quickly and privately out of sight and said please try to be a bit more present in our conversation.... he immediately scoffed and rolled his eyes.

The rest of the breakfast he did better but I was really hurt he scoffed at me and we had a huge argument with him yelling at me how he feels like his natural self just isn't accepted as good enough and he is forever trying to change who he is to meet their social standard.

I'm really hurt. I don't know if I'm asking too much?

He is also a 40 year old man I feel like I'm trying to teach a teenager about basic conversational respect and social cues. A teenager who doesnt want to learn.

I just broke up with my long term partner as I didn’t feel my feelings were in the right place, I really badly wanted it to be them but I feel I can’t appreciate what I have and my mind wanders, therefore my emotions with them didn’t feel right. I now feel insane regret and that I’ve made an irrational choice, has anyone else experienced similar?

I genuinely feel he is the right guy for me, but my feelings are complex. I always think of what I don’t have and not the great things in-front of me. This genuinely decreases my quality of life massively as I feel I can never be content or happy. One minute I am in love with him and the next I question why I’m even in the relationship. Is this attributed to ADHD or possibly that he is not the right person for me? I longed for him extensively before I had him and then when I did I felt my mind wandered and couldn’t appreciate the great person I had.

Hi all, apologies in advance if this is long and I'm rambling. Basically, I've (21F) been with my bf (22M) for 2 years. I love him beyond words and I've always thought he would be the man of my life. He is an incredible, loving, generous, smart man that deep down just wants to love and be loved. 

I always knew he was a bit quirky but had usually brushed it off as normal stuff. But now I'm wondering if there’s something deeper going on. Some examples: he can hyper focus on something (his work, a video game, his health - like he felt a ball in his neck which was clearly a lymph node but was so stressed about it for 3 days that it seemed to paralyze him with stress at times- and other things), he is very extreme in his thinking (e.g. either super left or super right on some topics, super loving or super cold, also he generally just describes himself as an extreme person with these kinds of things), he really can’t take any kind of criticism even when I bring it calmly and in a nice way, he tells me he has millions of thoughts at all times running in his mind, he is super critical of himself, always fidgeting and can’t seem to sit still, it seems super hard for him to hear me when I talk about negative emotions almost like he’s uncomfortable (not in a mean way though, almost like he can’t comprehend some elses inner world), and also has an addiction to nicotine and caffeine, but in a way where it seems like self-medication. 

So those are just some examples. And I want to emphasize how amazing of a man he is and he doesn’t mean any harm. But as a partner it’s sometimes hard for me to feel heard and like I have a voice in the relationship. I'm also the one always cooking and cleaning and I think he wants to help but for some reason it’s just hard for him. After a while, this gets exhausting and I feel like I’m the one who has to maintain the relationship. 

And I should mention his father has Asperger’s. What do you guys think? Is there a possibility he has ADHD ? Or if not, do you have any advice on how I can express my feelings to him and feel like he is as interested in our relationship as I am? Thank you!!