Getting frustrated with the dilating and stretches feeling like it isn't helping. Does anybody have anything positive to help with the funk I'm in.

So, I’ve been dealing with vaginismus ever since I found out I had it around 2020. I’m turning 30 next month, and lately I’ve been wondering if anyone else feels like this. Maybe I just need to vent to people who actually understand me

I’m starting to develop really negative feelings about sex.

I hate that this has affected my love life so much that two relationships have ended, with sex being a big part of the reason. The logical part of me understands that wanting sex in a romantic relationship isn’t a bad thing. It’s a completely reasonable need to have! But another part of me is just so tired of sex feeling like the main thing people care about in relationships. Like it’s supposed to make everything easier. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, is there nothing else people care about in a relationship? I’m just exhausted by it. I hate that I can’t even relate to conversations about sex! Not in movies, TV shows, books, or even with my friends!! Whenever the conversation ends about sex, I just go completely silent because… what tf am I supposed to contribute? I hate feeling like an outsider in something that seems so normal for everyone else.
Then my brain spirals even further: What if I finally overcome this and I don’t even like sex? It’s like I can’t win. Part of me doesn’t even want to date anymore because I’m so tired of having to explain my entire situation to someone new, hoping they’ll understand, hoping this time it’ll be different.

But then there’s another part of me that still wants to experience it so badly.

I still get horny. I still want intimacy. I want to know what it’s like to be close to someone in that way. I want to understand what everyone else seems to experience so naturally. More than anything, I just want a normal love life. I just feel defeated. 30 & a virgin because of something that feels completely out of my control.

My ex and I are still talking because he wants us to work, but he also doesn’t want to be in a sexless relationship. And honestly… I can’t blame him. It hurts, but I understand where he’s coming from.
The hardest part is that I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even feel motivated to practice with my dilators anymore because I feel so hopeless. It’s like I’ve lost faith that anything is ever going to change.

That said, joining this subreddit has genuinely helped. Reading your success stories, hearing from people who’ve overcome this, and seeing posts about partners who are patient and supportive reminds me that maybe there is still hope. On my worst days, those stories make me feel a little less alone.
Thanks for letting me vent. ❤️

So I’ve recently started regularly going to the gym. I’ve been going super easy on myself so far. Has anyone had any success using particular machines to help with vaginismus?

My main areas of focus would be my arms which I don’t think is going to help or hinder - but also my core, and I’ve heard that some people avoid core exercises because it can worsen vaginismus 😭

Did anyone find that their vaginismus/hypertonic pelvic floor was caused by your nervous system being in overdrive from the stress of a toxic relationship?

Hi everyone! I’m looking for advice from people who’ve made progress with vaginismus at home.

I went to pelvic floor physical therapy a few years ago, and while it definitely helped me get started, I eventually stopped going. Right now I don’t have the time or money to return, but I’ve finally gotten into the right headspace and have the motivation to work on it consistently again.

I’ve been using dilators and I’m currently on size 7 out of 8. The entrance isn’t really my issue anymore, it’s getting the last portion of the dilator fully inserted. It feels like my pelvic floor muscles just won’t completely let go, even when I take my time. I usually pause when I hit resistance, do diaphragmatic breathing, and wait for the muscles to soften before applying a little more pressure, but I still can’t seem to get that final bit.

For anyone who has gotten through this stage:
What helped your pelvic floor finally relax enough for full insertion?
Were there any stretches, breathing exercises, or down-training techniques that made a noticeable difference?
How often did you dilate, and for how long?
Did anyone experience this “almost there but not quite” phase before eventually being able to fully insert the largest dilator or have pain-free PIV?

I’d really appreciate any advice, success stories, or things you wish you’d known. Thank you!

I’m struggling with something in my relationship and I’m looking for outside perspective.

I have a history of vaginismus and a really difficult first sexual experience that affected me a lot. It wasn’t just the physical pain, it changed the way I viewed my body, sex, intimacy, and myself for a long time. I’ve worked through a lot of it, and today my boyfriend and I actually have a healthy sex life for the most part. There are just occasional times where penetration hurts and I can’t continue.

I don’t sit around thinking about that first experience. I have worked incredibly hard to heal and I’m proud of how far I’ve come. But there are still emotional consequences from something that took a lot of work to overcome.

The issue is when I try to explain how those moments or comments affect me, I feel like I’m being dismissed. He has said things like “it happened so long ago” and “the pros outweigh the cons.” I know he may mean that our relationship is good and that this issue doesn’t define us, but when I hear those things it feels like the impact of what happened to me is being minimized.
When I tell him that those comments hurt me and make me feel like he isn’t being empathetic, he says I’m being overly emotional.

This is the part that frustrates me the most: I feel like I’m not reacting to something random. I’m reacting to something that was genuinely painful and shaped how I saw myself for years. Just because something happened a long time ago doesn’t mean there aren’t still consequences.

I’ve tried explaining it like an old injury. Someone can break their knee, have surgery, heal, and still occasionally have pain. Nobody would tell them, “That happened years ago, why are you still affected by it?” That’s how I feel sometimes.

I love my boyfriend and I know he cares about me. I also feel guilty because I know it affects our sex life sometimes, and I already carry a lot of shame around it. I’m not asking him to fix it or feel sorry for me forever. I just want to feel supported and hear something like, “I’m sorry you went through that. I understand why it affected you. I’m proud of how far you’ve come.”

Am I being overly emotional, or is it reasonable to want my partner to acknowledge the emotional impact of something like this?

hey everyone, i had my first pelvic floor therapy session this morning and it went well. i first discovered i had it when i tried to have sex for the first time a couple months ago. i bought a dilator set not too long after that and basically skipped to the 5th or 6th dilator (out of 8) with no issues. i’m able to easily insert tampons and fingers which is why i never thought i had vaginismus. for me when it comes to vaginismus it’s more about the size of what’s being inserted that gives me the problem. i don’t experience any pain until a particular size so clearly there is some type of mental block there. ive been able to really pinpoint my source of pain and its right at entrance and at the bottom if that makes sense. my therapist actually asked me, do you feel the burning and tearing at the bottom, without me even saying anything. i meant to ask her if this is a specific muscle but i didn’t get the chance. is this anyone else’s experience, where the source of pain is at or just past the entrance at the bottom???

I have been talking to a guy for a few weeks now. The first date went great and it seems that our goals and values aligned. We have our 2nd date planned for this weekend and I am thinking about telling him about my condition. Is it okay or too soon?

I’ve been having a lot of success with a combination of PT & dilators. I’ve been stuck on the last dilator in the pack for a while now, and it more-so feels like it physically can’t go in as opposed to it being painful.

Today my PT and I discussed suppositories and how it may be helpful short term to use them to relax my muscles and give my brain the signal of “it’s okay” if that makes sense.

I was just curious if anyone had tried them before. I need to reach out to my OBGYN for a prescription, though. She said there is a baclofen suppository and a valium suppository. She suggested the baclofen for me. Any insight would be appreciated!!

TW: i get into some heavy mental health topics. If you’re sensitive to mentions of SA or suicide, don’t read :))

Hi all, i never got officially diagnosed, but I had my first gyno exam at 13 after i physically could not insert a tampon without excruciating pain. I should mention the tampon never went in. 5 years later, and I still can’t use them. Anyways, the doctor essentially said that my muscles were involuntarily tight, and told me to just try to stick my fingers up there to stretch it. She also told me to do pelvic floor therapy and referred me to a specialist. I don’t remember her using the word, but based on everything she said, I believe this is what she meant. Anyways, I could not do her version of therapy. It hurt too bad. And we never got in with the specialist. So i’ve been undiagnosed and untreated. But i believe there is light at the end of this horrible tunnel.

I never really figured out what might’ve caused the issue to arise, but I only just figured it out tonight; the same night I first had successful PIV (i think that’s the right one?). I was just thinking back on my experiences with my boyfriend, and I realized that there is a huge difference between our currently relationship, and my previous ones.

I’ve always been pretty sexual. From a young age, i discovered self pleasure, and it messed me up for a while. When i got my first boyfriend, he severely manipulated me into getting back in touch with that side of myself which i felt shame for, while also demanding questionable pictures and treating me like a sex tool/therapist until we broke up. This led to the belief that I could only be loved and cared for if I sent, and it was the standard for all my relationships going forward. I didn’t trust them. I was scared. And while I sent pictures and talked about sex, I was terrified and kept everything online (even though i knew them in person) because I didn’t want to risk the trust and whatnot. I blocked most of this out. I mostly remember feeling like a disgusting POS for how sexual i was.

My last boyfriend, A, was the first person i ever got intimate with in any capacity. We had planned for mutual oral, went though with it, and I proceeded to have the worst experience of my life. I felt a degree of disgust and self hatred i’d never felt before, and blocked it out wholly until tonight. He did not rape me, let me be clear, but I wanted out. I hated every second of it. I just didn’t know how to say “no.” I thought that because he and I had talked about the fantasy of it, I was consenting. Instead, i just crossed my own boundaries because i didn’t know how to have them. I then blocked out the experience, choosing to believe it was something I only regretted because of the outcome (massive trouble and police involvement after discovering the extent of pictures shared.)

2 years later i began dating my boyfriend. This was after MUCH mental work and healing. I thought I did all the healing i’d need. I’m wrong. He is genuinely a ray of sunshine. I love him beyond what I believed possible.
And he loves me more than I can even comprehend. He isn’t a very wordsy person, he doesn’t say “i love you” too often. He’ll say it when he means it, but doesn’t need to say it to prove it. I believe it more from him, who says it maybe 4-5 times a week, than any of my other relationships, in which the words were thrown around without care.

My boyfriend says it most often during intimate moments, and after them. I never wanted to hear those words while getting intimate with anyone, it terrified me. But it’s reassuring and real with him. I’ve never regretted a single thing i’ve done with him. He has built a kind of trust and love I never had, and I genuinely believe it has helped improve my condition.

We began attempting finger penetration with shocking success; i had never even gotten a finger inside myself, but he managed to. It hurt the first time. But after that, after I realized he would only do as much as I said was okay, it began feeling tolerable, then okay, then good, and now it genuinely feels good. I was shocked at this change, but the biggest shock came tonight.

I thought sex would hurt. My mom told me it would be excruciating and wouldn’t work the first several times. Friends claimed it will leave me feeling horrible for days on end. I have been terrified of it, and despite discussing it with previous partners, knew i’d never do it with them. I was in a horrible mental state when with any of the previous people, and it led to me believing i’d never be around to experience penetration. So i was scared, and never imagined doing it.

But he changed that idea. With him, i never wrote flowery messages describing how sex will go. I just told him I wanted to try. I assured him I didn’t mind the pain; I just wanted to try. Something i’d never said truthfully before then. And so tonight comes around. We bought the necessary materials, did the necessary prep, and it felt so, so good. I bled, it still hurt at first, but i didn’t have to stop him. I lost my virginity not feeling pain, but pleasure. I lost it feeling love, not regret. I have never felt so amazing in my entire life. He checked up on me constantly, let me guide him, and ultimately made it that much better. I have no residual bleeding, pain, or discomfort, even with him complying with my requests for depth, speed, or strength. It felt like a game, seeing if my limits existed still. They just…didn’t.

So, i don’t know if this will give anyone hope, but sometimes it’s about finding someone who can heal wounds you don’t know existed. I’ve been sobbing the last hour realizing things about myself and my healing that fill me with a kind of appreciation and joy i can’t put into words. He truly brought me back from something I thought I would never recover from. Don’t underestimate the power of love i guess🤷🏻‍♀️

I have vaginusmus. My boyfriend and I are in 11 year long relationship. He has lots of patience and I told him in the beginning that I do not want to have penetrative sex because it is so painful. He said he did not need it so we did other types of sex. But recently he has lost his patience and I was feeling guilty and thus consented to have PIV. He could not get even one finger inside and I experience excruciating pain. We tried several times, slowly but of course my vaginusmus will not let it. Every time he becomes frustrated, irritated, and angry. Now I hate be around him. I flinched when he tries to touch me. I have lost all my interest in him. I have stopped talking to him, I just talk when it is absolutely necessary. I ordered dialator but I think I do not want to try them. I just do not like to be around my boyfriend now. I become happy when he is at work. idk if it is normal.

Sorry for my English. It is my 3rd language :/

I started dilating over a month ago and was able to go from the smallest size to the third one in just the first day with little pain and no bleeding whatsoever. I was consistent with said dilation for 3 days before I stopped and got busy with my life. Now over a month later I tried again, starting with the second size since it has been a while, and after a whole 40 minutes I could only get about 3/4ths of it in. In the end I just thought to myself that it'd take some getting used to to get back to where I was a month ago. But then when I used the bathroom after, there was a blood clot slightly larger than a pea in the toilet as well as some blood as I wiped like 5 times, but nothing too excessive and it stopped completely after. I had never had this happen before. Does this have anything to do with the hymen breaking or is it just mere irritation of the vaginal wall? If it could be the hymen could this mean that it'd make penetration easier? Im definitely going slower next time and starting back from square one.

Hi, I am afab (ftm) 19 and have suspected I have had vaginismus for YEARS (unfortunately still never been to a gyno because lack of insurance), I would try to get my fingers, tampons, and toys up there but I just couldn't.
Most stories I've heard about vaginismus talk about how its painful but for me it just felt impossible if that makes sense? I'd get to the entrance and start pushing but l'd get like SO scared that it would just be impossible to move, sometimes it felt like there was a wall there blocking it but also sometimes it felt like theres an invisible hand grabbing mine and stopping it from continuing. l've heard women tell stories about how their partner couldn't get in in when they had sex and how painful it was so that was my #1 fear with losing my virginity but then when it happened it just went in normally! is this something common that happens?? or did I never have it in the first place and it was all just psychological? I can’t find anything about this online so if anyone has experiences like mine please comment!

I wanted to write this as a PSA for a podcast episode that was really helpful for thinking through my own sexual discomforts and where the ideas originated.

I have had vaginismus since I first tried to have sex at 17, and had painful PIV sex while in a long term hetero relationship for a year before going to therapy, learning what vaginismus was, and realizing I needed to end that relationship (for vaginismus related reasons and others).

I’ve now been in a relationship with another man for about three years, and he is so awesome and does not put pressure on me. I stopped using dilators after things ended w my ex because I wanted to reconnect with what I genuinely wanted, not what my partner wanted. Now it’s been three years without PIV sex, and I have gotten past a lot of fears, like having a face/hands/dick near my vag opening, and have even gotten to the point where I WANT to use dilators, and think it is hot, which is huge progress from the fear and anxiety I used to have. We also do anal, and I’m in no rush to get to PIV sex.

But, I recently listened to a podcast by Diabolical Lies called Lily Phillips and the Politics of Sex Work (https://open.spotify.com/episode/3eVRAp3IVLAbpZhft96Ig9?si=LetfaYTeQ-6EzItpT0jzCw&utm_source=copy-link) and they break down so many misogynistic societal beliefs that contributed hugely to me having vaginismus. It really helped me put sex and desire and empowerment into perspective, and I hope it can help others too.

Thanks for reading my long post, I am new to this community and love seeing posts from other people with vaginismus, so I hope this helps someone in their journey!

I saw her account on instagram and was wondering if anyone has tried her “Get Laid In 60 Days Challenge”. It looks promising but I couldn’t find any reviews.

I don’t want to go in and see about curing it. Even if I would probably have a better quality of life with it cured. I’m scared what causes it might become a question. Or become relevant to curing it.

I know that you can be born with vaginismus, I think. It doesn’t have to have a cause. Some people on this sub don’t have a cause. That’s what I tell my inner monologue. It is a coincidence. I have this through a cosmic random number generator. Or, you know, there are other ways to have it.

I can practically feel an eyebrow being raised at me.

”Oh. It’s a coincidence, huh? That’s really interesting. Super interesting. Was it also a coincidence when back in high school you nearly punched multiple people after being startled by *checks notes* them touching you on the shoulder from behind lightly? The fact that you were having disturbing fantasies from an extremely young age (like… elementary school young) that you didn’t understand weren’t exactly fucking universal? The time you fell in with an online group of out-and-proud pedophiles at 16 because you didn’t understand why what they were arguing was wrong and wound up having to teach yourself why that shit is bad after leaving? How about the fact that you still wish you had your teenage acne back because having it would make you less physically attractive (which you… covet?? somehow??)? Or maybe even the fact that you have thrown up in the shower after masturbating a nonzero amount of times from the sensation of arousal/orgasm? You sure do rack up a lot of coincidences.”

Shut the fuck up.

”That’s not even all of them. That’s not even close to all of them. It’s also not even close to the most damning ones.”

This proves nothing. You have no real evidence that would genuinely prove anything. And this new thing that I may or may not cure and may or may not even have also proves nothing. You’re just fearmongering.

”How, by making real verifiably true statements about your life and your behavior? If you’re 100% positive beyond all doubt that I’m wrong, then go cure this. If not to have sex then at least for medical reasons. But you won’t. Because you don’t trust that this is entirely random and emerged 100% organically.”

That’s how the debate goes.

I do believe I just… have this. Randomly. I sort of believe that. I guess I maybe don’t. I don’t want to find out. Even if I’ll probably find that it’s innate or caused by something relatively mundane. That will be the most likely result. Does it matter? Should it matter? Is how it’s fixed any different? I might not fix it.

I’m sorry if this is just rambling. I probably shouldn’t post it but there’s no sub rule against weird meandering posts structured like this post. Not that there logically would be a rule against that. And if I delete it I will probably regret it.

I had PIV finally and it actually felt good!!! Dilating everyday has truly paid off lol

I have suspected vaginismus, I have never been able to insert something, have had piv sex in the past but there is always a wall which with breathing manage to get through. Used to be slightly painful but not anymore. Regarding fingering I cannot do this and if my husband does it it feels like scraping even though Incan take a bit more. What is irritating me is that now we are trying to conceive and since then like the last 3 months my mind seems to have gone back work. I am creating more pressure in my head and can’t even get in.
I am on the waiting list for sexual mental health but want to act before that time. I am 36 years old my husband wants me to initiate as my body tends to push him away or flinch to the touch but that is creating more pressure in my head and I hate it.
I feel like I have started from the beginning. This last week I have been using the rose toy and I get to the extreme rush feeling, i try to breathe slowly and I like it then i feel myself pulsing/twitching then it disappears. I have started pelvic exercises from youtube yesterday also. I told my husband this and he is supportive but frustrated at the same time.
I want to initiate but my mind keeps telling me it is not the right time. When it comes to inserting a finger or a bullet I don’t think I can do it myself, I told my husband I want to try with him. I think I won’t allow myself to go further. I feel like I have gone back.

Hi everyone. I recently had my first time after working through a set of dilators. I thought I was ready, I thought I had put in the work both mentally and physically.

But it wasn’t a pleasant experience for me. It was painful to the point of needing to stop. The pain just didn’t get better. And I’ve been talking to my friends about this too. But I just feel like my experience of sex so far has been so far removed from my friends experiences. They talk about it with such ease.

And I’m grateful to have friends who talk openly about sex. But I just, can’t help feeling alone and frustrated with my journey.

It’s really hard for me to believe that things will get better when my experiences are overshadowed by pain. I’ve seen progress, but not enough to make me believe I can move past this.

Thanks for reading.

The main reason I sought treatment for this was because I experienced fairly severe pain when standing up for too long, which was basically every day at work. I've been able to make it up to the third dilator in the Intimate Rose set with minimal problems. It's still uncomfortable and sometimes a bit painful but it's doable. My pain while standing has reduced significantly, to the point where now it's only uncomfortable or sometimes doesn't occur at all.

I have a physical therapist appointment scheduled for next week, but I'm wondering if I should just cancel if I'm seeing so much progress? Or is it still worthwhile? My insurance covers it.

I f28 finally was successful at sex! After soooo many tries to have it work, it finally went all the way in. It was uncomfortable and a little painful but he was able to move and everything. I’m so so proud of myself😭😭😭

So, I have been using a pelvic wand for almost a year now and it helps, but isn't sufficient. My vafinal muscles still felt like they were strangling themselves. I decided to try using dilators. The one I used was only slightly thicker than the wand, but did go deeper than it obviously.

Oh my gosh. The pain I ended up in was the worst since I started treatment. Easily a 7/10 if not more and lasted days. If I hadn't had muscle relaxers, lyrica, and anti-inflammatories on hand, I would have gone to the hospital for relief.

Is this normal for dilator use? Does it ever get better? Please tell me what you did to make it better or if you stopped them altogether.

Hi yall I’m 18, found out I have this condition a few months ago and have been dilating on my own for a few weeks, I got #1 in the IR set all the way in a couple weeks ago and I dilate 2-3 times a day cuz I’m impatient and I actually quite enjoy dilating, not in a weird way it’s just a cool feeling to me anywhos, I find that I’m able to get it in smoother/ faster with no clenching if I’m tired. I work in the restaurant business and often work doubles and it’s significantly easier on the days that I work doubles than the days I don’t. Also little success moment. I had my first O while dilating and it just glided out afterwards with no problems or uncomfortable-ness.