Absolute dogshit of a movie. It's not even fun bad. It's just bad. And it's not horror. We thought we'd be in for a fun, dumb horror movie. We were very wrong. Four attractive people (and a guide) make horrible decisions the entire movie.

1. The seasoned "guide", who can't even tell what animal noises are, has a back story about his great grandfather who went missing and his flesh was reportedly found in the stomach of a cannibal. No idea how they identified the specific meaty bits of people back then, but oh well. He carries a super small knife that he clutches in emergencies like it's a Bowie knife. Seriously, it's ridiculously small lol.

2. The Youtubers who are so "daring" they film themselves going into an area posted as Do Not Enter. They surmise it's probably because of "some protected flowers or shit". Any idea what happens to them?

3. The two blonde leads, who are dressed for a day at the spa, are unbelievably hard to tell apart. They shake their asses, spout stupid lines and prance around the jungle in jumpers. They agree to camp out overnight after a day kayak trip in the jungle with zero supplies. No one drank any water this entire movie until the final scene.

4. The alpha male is a complete asshole and questions every thing the guide says, ridicules his wife non stop, and seethes with poorly hidden fury at his "best friend", whose wife he's shagging on the side and got pregnant. He's made the hero at the end. The literal hero. He's 100% unlikeable. He allows his "best friend" to be dragged away by two men while he hides, but in the end miraculously finds courage to face off against the entire tribe. He gets a hero's death, which is infuriating.

5. The "asian" cannibals (this is set in Thailand ), who are inexplicably played by large painted black dudes that look like they could dominate on the court. They are HUGE.

6. A logger watches his friend fall just past the machine he's operating in the jungle. He goes to check it out, sees blood and freaks out and runs blindly into the jungle. Not back to the clearing where the other loggers are, but INTO THE JUNGLE.

7. At one point, the guide stumbles onto this clearing with a bunch of straw figures dressed in modern clothing. Why? Where did they get straw in the jungle? Who cares? There's a figure wearing the logger's clothes, one wearing one of the motorcyclist's clothes and, unbelievably, there's one wearing his great grandfather's explorer uniform. That's right, his great grandfather who went missing, oh a hundred? years ago, has his clothes just sitting in the clearing on a straw man and happens to be found by his great grandson.

Skip this movie. It's pointless and ridiculous. Hell, you can't even go into it hoping for nudity or gore. There is none. It's just plain terrible. Honestly, I'm embarrassed I wasted this much time "reviewing" this turd.

Oh, the cinematography is gorgeous. Really. It's a beautiful setting.

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The Sinful Doll

"Last House on Hell Street" (2002) - I'm going to be honest with you folks. I had basically no idea what was going on at pretty much any point during this movie. The combination of a no budget amateur production with seemingly untrained actors and a script that works (at least somewhat) on dream logic had me guessing what was happening moment to moment. A more astute member of my bad movie group claimed to understand the film, so it might just be me but brace yourself if you decide to check it out.

Not being able to follow the plot means I had to look it up on IMDB. This is what they say it's about; "Within this small house, hidden in the deep, dark woods, is an evil force. It can infect one's soul and drive men to madness. Kyle falls victim to this entity from the house. Now possessed, he turns on his lover, Jessica. He abducts her and drags her into this house. He tortures her mind and brutalizes her flesh. The ghost of Kyle's mother, a spirit fueled by love and mercy, is needed to help Jessica escape." That kinda explains it but trust me it's far worse than you think, so consider this a warning.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0311422/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0_tt_8_nm_0_in_0_q_Last%20House%20on%20Hell%20Street%202002

It's probably the worst movie I'v ever seen.

"Black Mamba" (2016) - With most vanity projects the ego behind it writes their character to be the hero, but not always. In this movie the writer, director, and executive producer plays one of the films antagonist. He is still a champion demon in the fighting pits of hell named Cassius Rexx, but he's not the main character so that's something. The main character is actual played by Evette France, an actress who doesn't even list the film among her IMDb credits. So that's not a good sign.

As far as the plot goes the movie starts with Mrs. France being told by her dying grandma that a spiritual reckoning is coming. Soon thereafter she and her family are killed by corrupt cops and she is then resurrected as an assassin from the afterlife to seek revenge. The rest of the movie is basically her attacking demons disguised as people with her ability to never get shot, infinite ammo guns, and cheap katanas. Dawna Lee Heising (and her plastic everything) shows up to play Esmeralda Van Loft the wife of the devil, the acting across the board is dinner theater level, the script is painful, the editing a mess, and the effects are hilariously bad. As with most vanity projects, this needs to be seen by more people so check it out (but bring a lot of friends and intoxicants to get through it).

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9x0pSrrrRU&t=3055s

"Arachnado" (2020) - Listen, that title pretty much tells you everything you need to know about this movie; i.e. spiders in a tornado. The movie is obviously attempting to ride the coattails of a made-for-television Asylum movie that debuted on the Syfy channel, so keep your expectation low. Produced by the even more discount production company Wild Eye Releasing, this movie is cheap, poorly made, quickly produced, throw together, and seemingly devoid of both talent and second takes. Directed and edited by prolific schlock director Dustin Ferguson you can tell he had no money, no real script, almost no trained actors, and cared a lot more about getting footage than what footage he got.

The chaotic story, so much as there is one, follows a freak cyclone full of experimental poisonous spiders that threatens the greater Los Angeles area. This particular natural disaster is somehow completely silent, oddly persistent, can sneak up on people, contains a seemingly endless supply of gigantic spiders, and is entirely made of some the cheapest CGI available. It turns out that the military is involved, Mel Novak, Brinkie Stevens, Shawn C. Phillips, and Mike Ferguson make cameos and no one really cared. There are definitely some hilariously bad moments, but mostly it's just a lot of crappy actors saying shitty dialogue, shot poorly, and edited worse. This is best left for those looking for some really bad flicks, and not so much your average so-bad-it's-good fan.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1CmAJQvkRc