r/TrueChristian • u/Sea-Tiger8657 • 4h ago
For the first time in my life, I gave 1 hour to God
I've been posting on here quite a bit these past few days, because I have so many questions and so many doubts, and no one to help me in real life.
Today, I decided I would spend 1 hour praying/reading the Bible, even if I didn’t want to.
For context, I'm a skeptic. I'm also someone that has been wounded (as most have been) by people, and trust is hard to give. I didn’t grow up praying or attending church often (It’s mostly seen as outdated/traditional in my country). My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts 24/7, so concentrating on prayer is pretty difficult for me. It’s even more difficult praying without believing, because it feels like I'm pretending, and my body just wants to stop midway.
Today, I didn’t let it. I set up a timer for 1 hour, turned off wifi, put my phone away, and got on my knees. I started talking and talking, not really knowing what I was saying. It didn’t feel genuine, but I continued. I remembered people saying that repentance and gratitude are really important, so I tried, even if I was numb while doing so. I told Him what I remembered, but it felt forced. I kept going nonetheless. I even asked the Holy Spirit for help, even though every single word that came out of my mouth felt insincere.
After 20 (very quick) minutes of prayer, I picked up my old Bible from when I was 7/8. It has my name written in cursive in the first page (from when I was a child in catechism classes) and I thought it was sweet.
For some reason, Job came to my mind while praying… I don’t know if it’s because I saw a movie once that was a reenactment of that story or because I'm so used to seeing people on TikTok saying “God told me to read this book/chapter, and it spoke to me”. Maybe my brain just wanted to fit in.
I read two random chapters that came to mind… they didn’t really connect but, at least I was trying. Then the name “Ecclesiastes” came to mind and I read it all. I know I should read slower, to comprehend more… but I'm not there just yet.
I underlined a few verses that got me thinking…
Ecclesiastes 5:2 “Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.” (I definitely didn’t do this, I was all over the place…)
Ecclesiastes 11:9 “ You who are young, be happy while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment” (I feel like I've been failing in this, and it made me a bit sad. That God might expect more of me and that I am the opposite.)
Well… I know this isn’t much, I know I didn’t have an encounter or feel all the emotions, but this is what I managed today. I hope I will continue. I will be honest and say, I still feel nothing. But maybe God was listening nevertheless, because for some reason, I stayed. I’m stubborn enough to keep going, I hope.
I didn’t ask Him for any desire yet. I actually asked Him for the opposite. I want to be a mom, more than most things in life. But I don’t want to have a closed off wounded heart and soul while I do it. It’s unfair for the innocent baby, and I want to love them well. I just told Him to withhold that (and a loving husband) from me until He thinks it’s the right time.
I never asked for prayers in my life, but if any of you would kindly keep me in yours, I'd greatly appreciate it :)