I was getting ketamine infusions in ‘24 and I’ll never forget the pain of going to an appointment the day after the election to see Trent without his partner. Mary a beautiful trans soul in the trenches with me every week at these appointments was no longer with us.

On valentine’s day in ‘20 I lost my closest person to a friend as I could call. I think she loved me too and everyone was there for her but me. I guess i wasn’t ready

So I watch the amazing digital circus and take my damage. Relive this and so much more.

It’s a good reminder of how important it is to be there for each other

I get online to check on some reddit friends. Folks i’m trading art with, drew pictures to cheer them up or cheer them on. So many of them are gone from social media. Maybe isolated and that’s the end of our connection. It terrifies me and it hurts.

I can’t stand people disappearing

Being nonbinary is like you’re expected to walk a perfect tight rope of just a perfect mix of masculinity and femininity, to just androgynous.

To fit into another construct society presses onto people.

“It’s only he or she, I draw the line at they.”

“Oh you’re nonbinary? What’s your agab though?”

“You’re stupid, you can’t change your gender.”

That’s just some of what I hear online.

People don’t think it’s serious, and people rarely understand, even binary trans people just experience traness differently.

People assume you’re automatically unintelligent and try to debate you, and bring up your identity when they’re the ones who complain about ‘making it our whole personality.’

I’m closeted in real life, I can’t get the surgeries I want. I’m a minor. I’m stuck in a religious, homophobic house hold, and they definitely won’t even understand or accept me being nonbinary.

My life is just so shit, and to be honest being myself online is just the only way I can feel some sort of relief from my intense intense dysphoria, to only to constantly undermined and degraded and just not seen for who I want to be.

The truth is, being nonbinary I feel like I’m just a peaceful creature, someone who doesn’t have to fit into one place or another. I’m just someone who’s comfortable with who I am, and people are so cruel.

I hate society and the way queer people are so oppressed, how can I be hated for loving who I want to love? For just being myself?

So what if I want white or light blue hair? Or to keep my dark curls?

Who cares if I want to just be seen as myself?

God, I just feel like I’ll never get to be who I truly am. I think about my grave.

I think about how some birth name that isn’t even mine will be plastered on there. I’m Auron.

I’ve always been that, and I’m tired.

The TLDR; I am MtF, 36, live with my parents, live in Canada, i have a part time job working at a grocery store.

I have been observing the whole dismantle of trans politics and people in the past 2 years and have been quiet for a long time. Have been on hormones for about 6 years, I just feel like i don't know where else i can voice my concerns anymore, I have been too scared to do so.

I was wondering who here feels the same? Who else feels scared ?

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The longer version.

I am MtF, 36, live with my parents, live in Canada, i have a part time job working at a grocery store.

I have been observing the whole dismantle of trans politics and people in the past 2 years and have been quiet for a long time. Have been on hormones for about 6 years, I just feel like i don't know where else i can voice my concerns anymore, I have been too scared to do so.

I dress very gender neutral, in fear of being called freak again but to be fair i was very early in my transition when i did do that and that comment came from a homeless person.

Even though i know it may lead for people to misgendering me. Even though i live in Canada, i still feel unsafe because i live online a lot and grew up in a online space a lot and see a lot about Trump and what he's done,.

My phone has been the biggest problem for my fear and anxiety.

I have been putting more effort in spending less time on my phone with the minimalist phone app.

but yeah just wanted to voice my fear and how i just feel like i can't really be 100% myself because of me consuming too much social media from the US, on YouTube. Sometimes i have flash thoughts of buying a long black skirt for myself, and i think yeah but I’m scared and i don't feel safe because of what I am seeing from the US, i guess i wouldn’t care as much if most of my friends didn't live in the US but i can't help it.

Sorry if this is rambly, its early in the morning for me and preparing to go to work and i have not much time to express my thoughts.

I was wondering who here feels the same? Who else feels scared ?

So in another post of mine I explained and expressed how I was very confused by everything. I don’t know if it’s a good idea at all, but should I call a hotline or something? I found some but I don’t know if I should even bother doing it. If I got heard by my grandparents or anyone I’m screwed. I just need someone to talk to about this.

In all honesty I don’t know how much longer I can take with this. It’s been a year since I realized and even began actually questioning my own gender and feelings and thoughts. Part of me feels like I’m just faking, and should just ignore it. I hate myself already but every time I begin to just think about it and try to accept and begin actually transitioning I overthink, break down, feel like shit, force myself to be more masculine, and then ignore everything until it starts again and repeats.

Sorry for this being so long. I really just need to talk to someone about this. I was gonna make this a short post about whether or not I should call the hotline or not.