Is it just me, but everyday it feels like my mind has a mind of its own. There are days when there are random things that fall into my head like bits of debris coming from who-knows-were.
When I was growing up in a backward town in the 70's we had no internet, mobile phones, tablets, x-boxes , and the list goes on. The most exciting thing, that was electronic, was my LED donkey kong game! If I wanted visitors, I could pick up the phone and call someone, then open the door to let them in. What has this to do with my mind. Or should I say my minds mind?
Well, without having to rattle off the list of things when I was growing up and sounding like THAT person that says " When I was a boy...." But, my mind was less assaulted back then. TV was black and white and only started a 6pm and ended at 11pm. The scariest thing going was The Hammer House of Horrors, and being gay or having gay thoughts or inclinations was a bit like having leprosy. So, yeah, there was that. At least with leprosy you could seek some medical attention. Being gay, well now that was different. It was something you kept hidden at all costs. Suppress it, like shoving an expanding inner foam into a small box. Each time takes more effort! There was little to no discussion. The only time I heard anyone else mention it was in the same tone as stepping in dog shit. So that wasn't something you wanted attached to you.
So, back to today. I don't need to phone anyone to visit. I have the internet that can drum up entertainment faster than microwave popcorn ( actually faster) and the most exciting thing, well, it isn't one thing, because there is so much choice I cannot decide. TV runs 24/7, the scariest thing going, well, take your pick. Being gay is no longer taboo, in fact it is normal. I feel like I have crossed the twilight zone. So my thoughts are now filled with decades of suppressing those dark urges, which is harder because it is in your face all day, everyday. The uninvited!
Scrolling through youtube doesn't help. Heated Rivalry seems to be the rage now. Making all Canadian macho players okay with gay love. The show is about as popular as the internet itself. It sure does not help when one want to remain in the closet. So my mind is fixated on this show, and I hate that. I hate that one show can give my mind a mind. I hate that what these guys have now, is what I wanted but could not have. I hate that everyone thinks it is a wonderful show that portrays something that is fairy tale and about as realistic as living on the moon. I hate that my mind thinks about it, watches you tube clip after you tube clip of Scott and Kips story. Wishing that it had happened to me. So, that suppressed "foam" is now expanding and about to explode.