Preface: I'm an adult. I know this post doesn't sound like it, but I swear. I have a degree.

You know how once every few months-to-years something will break through your apathy and dissociation and remind you why your childhood brain developed this disorder in the first place? Having one of those moments right now.

It's never even anything big lol. Literally all that happened was I left a silly comment and someone responded condescendingly as though I'd made a moral failing* and it just made me really sad. I don't understand why people have to make every situation, no matter how small, worse for someone. I don't think I've ever felt good about making someone else feel bad. It feels like shit to be on the other side of it and it happens constantly but I'm usually numb; is this how people who aren't schizoid feel all the time? Shit?

* This is how petty it is: I said it's fun when straight fanfiction is kinda gay, like when the woman pegs the man... Someone responded sex isn't inherently penetrative with a tone like I was a bastard for not mentioning it and they ratio'd me. Like they were trying to educate me when they, I guess, didn't even understand what I'd said?? Did they think me not listing every kind of sex was homophobic??

In about twenty minutes tops I'm gonna go back to being a living void, I know, but in this exact moment I'm a six-year-old again getting screamed at by mom and realizing the world's cruel for no reason. I swear sometimes as a kid I could feel the sensitive part of myself dying. And I don't see how anyone has made it through life without their brain defensively lobotomizing itself. Or maybe they did and that's why everything sucks so much.

Wanna know from everybody here, be they schizoids, schizotypals, schizophrenics, avoidants, healthy loners or honestly anybody interested in this sub: What do you live for? What reasons have you to stand up each morning, what kind of future do you hope fore and the like?

Am asking this from the perspective of a depressed person. So if the mod-team feels, that this topic does not belong in this sub (regardless the point, that anhedonia and Co. are related to the SzPD as well), they may feel free to delete this post.

I scroll on this forum sometimes and I'm seeing a lot of people who are asking for relationship advice, i thought schizoids didn't really enjoy peoples company, is that not true?

Note: I'm not judging anyone just trying to understand the disorder.

I was wondering if you felt this way; because I feel that people always deceive me very easily, besides because I am not adapted to socializing because my brain/mind was not made for high social IQ stuff and interacting with others, like something doesn't click in. I can be really smart at certain abstract stuff most people would not even wonder about but really dumb for simple stuff that normal people take for granted. I was wondering if there are more people like me. I hope you get what I mean guys.

A month ago I lost my mom after her long battle with cancer.

Now my dad is fading away too.

My face stays completely blank, my voice flat and distant like it always is.Inside there’s chaos, but it stays locked down. I almost wish I could cry or find some way to let it out, but that feels impossible.

The scariest part is that I don’t even have the guts to end it. I’m condemned to stay trapped in this inescapable numbness, exhausted and utterly alone in a world I was never part of.

I’m writing because I have nowhere else to put this.

I dont suffer,its just life is so empty there is nothing really that fulfills me,I m not sad or somthing I m just empty.people just bother me and everything else in the word is just annoying and confusing,I feel like I m on the wrong planet,the only thing that has me staying alive is my fantasy life but it also gets empty now that I getting older,I like to dream and thats the only thing that makes my day.i wished I was normal and would feel the joy of life and the fulfillment of relationships but I dont have it and never will,I m just an empty loner.i lived life a bit but its just not for me.my question is how are the people with this disorder like to life or do they even and how people dont see it as an disorder.i read people sometimes see it as a superpower because u dont need other humans but i n my opinions its just a life without the things that makes life worth living.

For a long time, I've wondered why I developed this disorder. I'm sure many of us do. Since I'd first received my diagnosis a year ago, I laid the blame at the feet of my experiences throughout school with my peers. Perhaps I'd chosen this because I didn't want to consider the problems my parents may have caused me. It wasn't entirely without logic. I was bullied, rejected, abandoned, and betrayed all throughout my school life. By the end of high school, I sat alone at lunch and barely spoke even though I crafted elaborate fantasies of some girl breaking through all my walls. College was better until it wasn't.

Back to my parents, both are mentally ill despite only having one diagnosis between them. My mother almost certainly has depression, possible anxiety, and definite CPTSD. She tried her best. My father is the one with the diagnosis, and it's only one for dyslexia, of which he's a severe case. But he's almost certainly on the autism spectrum. He may have adhd. He certainly has depression, anxiety, and CPTSD as well. I also see several potential personality disorders in him. Both were heavily abused and neglected by their parents. Both frequently talk about wanting to die these days. They're a terrible coupling, as with most boomers, but while they argue and sometimes yell, their relationship is more cold than anything; it always has been.

I remember a story from kindergarten. I apparently cried when told to color or draw something. It's always been a problem for me. When presented with a fresh canvas and no guidance, I freeze and shake. When presented with two choices, I can only choose easily if I really love one or hate the other.

I remember my father constantly trying to correct me any time I colored 'incorrectly' as a kid. My father constantly does this. He's always either trying to correct someone, critique them, or make a joke of it.

Looking back, I think this is why I fought my teachers any time they tried to make me choose something. I think this was the root. My father, deliberate or not, though I truly don't know how much of what he does is deliberate, criticized me into being terrified of ever making the right decision. His constant jokes at mine or others' or often even his own expense made me terrified of embarrassment. I think this, along with both parents not being able to provide emotionally, is what set in motion my drawing into myself; my fear of ever exposing myself.

Today, I find my father more frustrating than ever. He's retired and stays at home all day, so he's got more energy than ever to be annoying on purpose. It's likely an attention seeking behavior he learned as a child and never learned to correct. I'm not sure if I hate him, but I see the grief he causes my mother. Now I see how deeply he might've damaged me. Unfortunately, I can see why he's like this. I know how abused he was. How he was a child with learning disabilities that was told he was mentally deficient and never going anywhere in life. How he was beaten and neglected all his childhood, and the cycle passed to me.

He only got married because my mother was past 30 and desperate. It's for the best that women don't have to be desperate for a man today. I'd only pass my cursed genes to more unfortunate souls. I'd love a family, but it's a selfish want. I'd only cause more harm. I'd only renew the cycle.

Just some melancholy thoughts, I suppose. If you made it this far, I'm sorry.

Do you have any advice on dealing with anhedonia and reconnecting with yourself? I'm struggling to feel connected to who I am and to recognize my own emotions, thoughts, and needs.

I got diagnosed recently. I cannot stand closeness w ppl, its suffocating and honestly induces a lot of discomfort. Ive tried to be friends w my mom (who has bpd), but it felt gross so screw that. I am trying to be friends w my half sister (also has bpd) and as long as there are boundaries, its mostly ok.

I have made an online friend, whos very excited abt being friends w me, and shes very emotionally vulnerable. Almost my worst nightmare. But I am managing to be her friend , even though it was pretty hard at first. I find myself sometimes looking forward to talking to her

My half sister told me it feels like Im in a cocoon of my own world lmao..

I don't know if this will make sense. It feels like I'm frozen in time somehow. Like I've never really fallen asleep and woken up to a new day for the past 2 or 3 years.

I feel like when I was a little kid I had a pretty good "sense" of when the day ended and began, nights felt distinct from days, etc.

But now I just sorta drift from moment to moment, hour to hour. Even on days where something eventful happens, it still ends up melting into the same old time-soup.

I live alone in an apartment complex full of artists and musicians. Everywhere in the neighborhood there are murals and people playing instruments in sitting areas and parks. In my apartment I can hear and see them all too. My reaction to this stimuli is always the same. I feel annoyed that I feel nothing from it. It's like trying to stare in a mirror and see behind yourself- you're always in the way of yourself.

I have tried to find value in organized sounds making a beat, or organized brush strokes making a shape. I can appreciate the effort it takes to make these things but they're meaningless to me. Even more so, they serve as a constant reminder of the layer of separation between me and others that I can't hope to bridge. When I see art or hear music it just reflects back to me how separate I will always be.

What makes matters worse is people have genuinely met me with sincere contempt for this. As if my inability to enjoy music makes me some anti-art killjoy who hates something they see as vital to life. I didn't ask to be asexual, aromantic, or anhedonic but those are the parameters I exist in. It feels like being unable to enjoy these things others see as vital makes my existence a threat to organized society. I don't know how to fake liking these things to fit in enough to feel like my existence is validated too.

Has anyone else experienced these type of feelings?

I'm feeling a bit sentimental today, I guess. I want to share this story from my life. I think this event radically changed me as a person and how I see the world. Sometimes I forget about it.

About five years ago, I tried to kill myself. I swallowed a bunch of pills and went to sleep. I woke up two days later in the ICU.

Before that decision, I had lived for years in overwhelming depression and self-hatred. I dreamed of death; every day I fell asleep choosing the best way to end it all. But despite all the deliberation, I made the decision spontaneously.

While I was asleep, I dreamed that I was being choked, drowned, dragged somewhere. In the dream, I clearly understood – someone was trying to kill me. And I fought back. At that moment, I wanted to live more intensely than I had ever wanted anything before. That moment is forever etched in my memory. It turns out that deep inside me, something wants to live so badly that it's ready to take on five people alone, to fight, to bite. That something wants to live so fiercely that it will never give up.

When I woke up, I realized that my dream was just a distorted perception of reality caused by the drugs I had taken. The people who were choking me were the paramedics trying to insert breathing tubes into my nose. And they were holding me down because, as it turns out, I was fighting so hard that I gave one of the doctors a black eye. Now that's a will to live.

Actually, my first thought when I woke up in that unfamiliar white ICU room was – is this what the afterlife looks like? Then fear washed over me. Did I really do this? Did I really not even succeed? How am I supposed to live with this now?

A few hours later, the fear faded. And then came the state I call the "newborn state." After being discharged from the hospital, I remember spending several months in this special state. Nothing had any meaning. There were no problems left. Everything that had once troubled me no longer bothered me in the slightest. I walked around my neighborhood, my city. And I just looked. At the trees. At people. At the birds. The sky. The clouds. I felt the warmth of the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair. And only one thought, like a stuck record, kept looping in my head – "I almost lost all of this."

In those days, I was happy just because. Just existing was enough for me. I saw something so valuable in life that doesn't depend on success, money, looks, love, friends, or any of that. Simply being is already enough for happiness.

Of course, over time that state faded, routine returned, and worries over little things came back. But sometimes I'm just living my day and a thought strikes me – none of this could have happened. I've come so far. From time to time, I try to resurrect that feeling in my memory – I don't want to forget what I went through then.

As it happens, the most valuable experience in my life is the experience of trying to give up on it. It developed me as a person in incredible ways. It was as if I was drowning, but I managed to push off from the very bottom and surface.

21, graduated uni, j*bless except having a part time job. Mom nagging me for not doing enough to going past the first interviews, having depressive episodes that never seem to go away since I was a teen, ghosting my therapist after realizing therapy doesn’t help with my problems, have one irl friend. Lately I’ve been thinking it’s nice to end my life and the only thing that’s holding me back is not giving back to my parents, but I really don’t wanna keep on living feeling empty.

Wanted to do a poll to see who is predominantly within this sub. Mainly because I keep seeing depressive symptoms characterized by alot of users. I also see users ENTHUSIASTICALLY describing symptoms to other users.

I always avoid people during family gatherings and even my own birthdays. I WILL go to another room and spend hours "recharging"(aka simply having a better time without them). I am still very young so I am not entirely sure about myself, but I can't really be bothered to maintain relationships with people. It is boring and always feels like a chore to be with people frequently. I am curious about whether or not things are different in long distance relationships/friendships, since you are limited to texting and can still have pretty much all of your privacy.

So, if any schizoid became suddenly rich, did some things felt more enjoyable?

I am aware that it is a frequent recurring trait of schizoids (or misantrophic individuals in general) to hold considerably much more affection towards animals.

However, in my case the affection I dish out for them is very, I guess superficial? I only (kind of) like animals when they're cute, I care considerably less for an animal that looks disgusting and ugly and I am not talking about your average mosquitos and other creepy crawlies. Everyone despises them. I'm talking about animals that people generally keep as pets.

To present this idea more effectively, a neighbourhood cat keeps coming to my family house, presumably for food. It is a cat, who is considerably cute, so I am urged to pet it. I fulfill the action and it is kind of satisfying. I return to my previous task I had in mind. It was nice, but I don't demand much more.

Our family dog died recently, likely 17 years old, lived with us for around 11 years. And I felt genuinely nothing for it, even though, as a kid, I was the one who most adamantly demanded an animal companion from my parents. The dog could barely walk down the stairs, shat, pissed and barfed basically everywhere. I held barely any love for it, because it was past its prime. It was truly a pathetic sight, so I was kind of relieved when it died. Any kind of sentimentality I feel towards this event is remembering about how eager I once was and how I completely lost that.

I don't really wish for my own animals, because *surprise, surprise* the responsibility would fall on me to properly take care of them until they pass away. I would watch them slowly degrade and rot away, eventually even losing the superficial love I held for them.

Besides this general neutrality on animals, they also resemble the worst part of the whole humanity for me. When they solely listen to their instincts and nothing else. When it comes to animals two very important facets of what constitutes a human being is absent from them: Verbal communication with coherent words and sentences and within that, the communication and understanding of complex feelings and concepts.

They remind me of people who barely scrape by each day, driven purely animal instinct when their environment allows them to be much more than that. (And by "environment" I mean that they are not going through a life or death situation, since then it is quite natural for a person to tend to their bodily needs first) They remind me of people who can exclusively communicate their "love" for eachother through sticking their genitals into eachother and shouting, moaning like wild animals. They remind me of people who reproduce constantly, bringing poor new offsprings into the world, kicking, screaming and crying, whom the parents can't even propely provide a good life with, forcing them to repeat the same pattern of their elders.

But I forgive them for it. Since their brain capacity will never reach human's fully ultilised consciousness and intelligence and emotional complexity.

Essentially, I already look at animals with pity. We start at a negative scale. But cuteness and adorableness is able to counteract that condescending internal attitude towards them somewhat.

I look at all animals neutrally, all the petting and affection towards them is just meaningless fluff, because my brain is wired to be attracted to their innocent figures. I would even say I love the most interesting and complex humans more than animals. But a human like that is hard to come by, so I still stick to neutrality of animals I suppose.

If you have the former how do you deal with life after being mostly in peace and then experiencing lots of emotions (hyperactive amygdala) and hypervigilance? How are you coping?
How was your before and after?

I've never really had friends IRL. I've always had problems socializing with others starting as early as kindergarten and I did not have any friends in school or college. I've always been more avoidant i.e. when my parents dropped me off at another kids birthday party so I would be forced to socialize I would sneak away and hide.

It's not that I dislike socializing by itself but mostly I feel lost in social situations and wishing I could do something useful with my time. I struggle to listen to others or make sense of what they are talking about. Not to mention my general schizoid-like preference to stay alone. Online is a lot easier because I can read every persons response and actually think of something to say. That said, I have probably talked to hundreds of people online and only 2 I would say developed into a friendship. Don't get me started about trying to socialize in Discord servers and the like, they are awful. With most people the conversation starts to feel like a chore and gets stuck eventually. With these two I have talked for hours a day with out a problem. Looking back, I think they both were among very humans who showed interest back in me.

I have been to therapy about this, and just been told that my standards for friendship are too high and I need to be okay with shallow social contacts since that's what friendship is to most people. Which doesn't sound quite right to me. I have a few more shallow social contacts since I have things that I go to regularly, but they don't feel very satisfying and don't really do much about my loneliness.

Hello guys. How old were you when your inability to feel sadness and joy started?