Addiction isnt a choice

Addiction is a choice

Addiction was a choice

Addiction has a voice

"

Me -

"I don't have a voice...

I try to use it but addiction shrinks me down

Down into a hole Im surprised to be 

standing in when the shovel is in my own hand;

Then I continue to dig as though there is a way out;

Addiction like insanity

Repeating mistakes expecting a different reality;

Shrinks asks me; 

"What gets me down?"

My anxiety is a constant war that I try desperately 

not to surrender to -

The depression makes my white flag to heavy to lift

Until BPD manic panic  makes 

me get up running

Running towards victory

No one can stop me 

When I feel like me

Well the me I want to be

Alive and confident

Engaging and competent

Sharp as a whip

Too quick to keep up with

Slow down but I cant

Now Up for days and days

I cannot keep up with these brain waves

That constantly cycles spins and drains me

Down to the worst part of me

Addiction; I know youre listening, 

what do you want from me

Addiction returns -

"I am here for everything;

Love and wedding rings;

College opportunity;

Fame and friends 

And whatever agony you feed me

For example" -

Me - 

"Please I don't need examples"

Addiction - ?

"I'm talking!

For example your,

nightterrors from sexual abuse that 

happened silently in reality

The man standing in the doorway 

between you and safety;

His smile the only detail your brain didnt erase;

Remember?

s

So loud and violently you scream when 

He comes near you; 

Reminds us when you do;

Awake how you sweat and shake that youd

Take anything to forget; I helped you survive

The trenches of your mental ballistics; 

I gave you the weapon needed to fight back 

against this shattered temple you hide in; 

I AM your sanctuary.

Me - 

But addiction isnt a war

Its not some competition I can win

Its crashing waves and that craves 

For me to drown in it slowly 

Slowly you ride on shallow decisions and tides;

down into the depths of a slow suicide

Addiction chimes in -

"Maybe if I drown these pills in liquor

Itll happen so much quicker; I decide

When to end this boat ride;

Well that didn't work take more then prescribed;

Like those prescriptions were yours to begin with;

Did you buy them?

Make a lie up to get them?

Steal them?

Sell yourself to get more of them?

The things you'll do to keep me fed child"

Me:

Can I ask you something Addiction

What did you do to the person I used to be?

Why did I ever choose to let you stop becoming choice

You then steal my voice

You stole my skin

You used them bargained; and begged to put more poison in

You not a self induced obsession

You are a self reduced possession

You only possessed those in agony

The damaged and the broken

You are snake oil salesman that sells only beautiful lies in exchange of ugly realities

A lie only grows

It does not know when to stop

But I do have a choice to stop

Right?

Its my voice?

Its my choice?

Right?

I can hear addiction though.. 

Cant you?

Its saying I believe… 

Addiction - "It never was, if it was - I… would never exist. I would not still be here.

No one wants this; but I sure want you.

Even when you are clean for years; I will still whisper toxins into your ears."

Me - You maybe right; but maybe…

I have a choice rather or not I isten to you

I know I have a choice

I know I have a choice…

I have a choice to not self destruct everytime you whisper in my skull

Addiction-

Self destructive?

Im not here to destroy you

Im here to change your perspective

Cause the one you got is more busted then me

Your not self destructing…

Change perspective

Your self medicating, aiding your brain to be a better you

You’re not relapsing

Your relaxing

Your rehashing nostalgic haze into glory days baby,

This isnt a Relapse

Change your view this is a Reincarnation 

You are revitalizing yourself to being happy,

For once.

Your not slowly dying from my pleasuring poison,

Youre not committing a creeping tedious suicide,

No you’re taking your time from your hourglass and making it into good time confetti,

Who needs to live when all you do is Survive?”

When all you you are is a morsel swallowed by the seas of panic

Even your dreams make reality look like a fantasy, 

Cause you’re broken bitter brain hides its tragedy so deep

That only nightmares no where to find them,

I’m your friend

Im your reason to live

Im your dopamine and serotonin 

I am your rope to pull you out this hole in your heart.

Boy are you still listening?

Me:

You are not a rope, you are noose,

And I will no longer let you speak,

For when you do, I choke on my… 

My own Voice.

I have a voice

I have a choice

I have a voice

I have a choice…

Addiction:

“Do you?”

I have no doubt that, in another dimension,
in the imagination of a parallel universe,
we are together in a small, beautiful white house,
with a tiny pretty café up front,
where I kiss your cheeks while you place croissants on a tray, back door.

There, you always feel confident wearing short sleeves,
often meeting my eyes on a quiet glimpse,
or perhaps revealing me your naughtiest dreams.
It is the perfect agreement:
to live without shame.

That is where I imagine myself
in that beautiful little town,
perfectly flat,
entirely rustic,
and endlessly kind
every time we go for a walk.
There, everything is perfect,
and everything is good
Because you walk with me.

And that is what is so noble about imaginative thoughts.
If I cannot share a life with you in this one,
And I cant assure I will in the next.

Somewhere, in another dimension,
Of a parallel universe
there is a chance.
There is a way.

Where we loved each other,
in exactly the same place.

Dark clouds,
heavy with rain, knew
that once they let it fall,
they would no longer exist.

My heart, too,
living within your memories, knew
that in the very next second,
if those sweet memories faded,
there would be
no trace of me left.

Hey there! Never thought I’d be here in my use of Reddit but on such a chill day I couldn’t help but flow. Here’s a free-verse poem I just came up with. I’d love to hear some feedback of what you guys think.

Such is the dichotomy of life. Of how we dream to be forever naive and to stew in the bliss of earth stained petrichor.

The smell of the air and the chirping of the birds brings such peace and joy at a happy temperature. To reignite one’s hope ands and dreams how we wish to be forever naive.

Alas in this waking world that’s not to be. So impure and cruel. How we wish we could be forever naive alas it shall not be so.

Though we dream and aspire to do much and grow in this waking world we are crushed to be. Pigeonholed and contrived. Filled with strife and no chance to abscond. We are no more free than what we ever dreamed to be.

Once United and commingling now forever divided.

Oh how we dreamed to be forever naive.

Music sparks that part of you

The spice I adore

In the bedroom

On the couch

Always wanting more

A whisper in my ear

A symphony for only us to hear

I miss shit.
They tell me
it's attention deficit.
I just think
I miss shit.
It's like there's
a part of my brain
that arrives late
for nearly everything:
"Oh, that was joy."
Great!
Missed that moment.
When I
fail to remember
someone's name
I hesitate
and extricate
myself
by just saying "Hi"
and try
to obviate
the obvious.
I wouldn’t say
there's something to blame
or even that I'm oblivious
I just miss shit.

Another thought down the drain
Another second of wasted time
Another path I can’t obtain
Another life filled with stains.

I look in the mirror
I ask myself
Who is this man
And what has he felt?

A lonely world crosses his mind
One of deserts and endless time
He stands alone amongst the sand
Regretting his decisions again.

As a door slowly opens
He walks over and closes
The next step he could’ve made
Because he is nothing except afraid.