This is a long one. I apologize. I like to make context. I have a 3 kids (6,4,1 years old). I really need some advice/tips/ suggestions on how to build strong relationships with them so they end up not feeling the way I have for years. This thought hit me hard after my daughter was born. The reason being is my oldest two are full on daddies boys. They are like little adventurers following their leader (daddy). Here is some context on why I am asking for advice.
My spouse and I grew up in very different households. Without going into very many details, my spouse grew up in a very chaotic, narcissistic household and I grew up extremely sheltered quiet home. We have both come a long way in changing bad habits that we have developed over the years. I will say that now that we are parents, we realize the cons to their parenting but no not hate them for anything. He has distanced himself from his family by his own choice due to some more recent issues around our children when they were little. My spouse is working on the issues formed from his childhood. And I am doing the same. Our kids have no idea of any struggles we have went through to get to the place of peace we are currently in.
The one thing I am struggling with lately is making sure I have a close relationship with my kids. They are extremely young yet but I want a close relationship with our kids. My parents are great people but I will admit the closeness of our relationship is just not there. I am not a person who calls my mom when exciting things happen or talks to their sibling a lot. It’s just not something I had with my family. It does deeply bother me. I have noticed as I get older that my parents like to show off, talk about the latest gossip, or drool over people who are picture perfect. I am not that by any means. I try not to gossip or judge others for who they are or what is going on in their life. I am not a showy person. I could care less about making sure my house decorated perfectly (I am saying my house to extremely clean and organized but I could care less if I have decor everywhere) or making sure I am dressed up all day everyday. I am what people call an “alternative mom/biker chick” I listen to alternative rock, I wear my band tees, covered in tattoos and I wear my Harley boots like they are a wedding ring. I am quiet but I will say my feelings in a non asshole way because I don’t believe on lying or being two faced. I feel overly judged by my parents. My brother doesn’t care so much but with my parents I can feel it this.
Back to my point, I want my kids to always feel comfortable with me. Be who they are and never feel the way I feel. My parents are much different towards my kids then when they were raising me. My parents are very adventurous now and are my kids favorite family members. Grandma and Papa always have the fun old school toys and are always planning fun things inside and outside their home. I don’t see the way I grew up effecting their relationship. My parents are the best grandparents.
I just want advice on how to keep a healthy balance of raising my kids to be close with us without lacking discipline. I know that sometimes when people are close with their kids, they lack being able to discipline their kids. I feel like this should come naturally to parents but it isn’t with me. When something is wrong like being sick or they get hurt, they always come to me. If they want to have fun, they go to dad. My daughter is a bit young yet to judge. My boys are very open with me when it comes to something being wrong and they don’t lie about things like “shhhh… we got daddy an extra surprise for his birthday. Don’t tell him” they will not keep that from their dad. That’s how honest they are. This part does make me feel like I’m doing something right. I want to know what you out there have done when it comes to parenting that keep a good healthy line between rules and being close with your children.
I have asked my husband about this. How I want to be close with my kids so that when they have anything exciting in their life, they call or they don’t hide things from us. When I was younger, I didn’t tell my parents for 3 years I had a bf in middle school/ early high school due to the fear of what they would say. The possible judgement was the scary thing, I wasn’t scared due to being yelled at. I have a lot of self confidence issues and I may think it may have to do with my upbringing. My husband said when he was younger, he could talk about medical things no problem but anything personal like relationships or big news. It wasn’t something he talked about due to possible being used against him or made fun of. Once he got older, he came to the realization that he was taken advantage of for his kindness and the unconditional love and respect wasn’t there. That’s why he cut ties besides a very small few that do love him/our family like their own.
Any suggestion helps