I am a boy I’ve known since i was 9 that I was gay
But in summer of 2025 my dad suffered a stroke and he was in a 3 day coma I didn’t cry… I don’t know why but my mental health started tanking downhill since that happend
But in the hospital my mom and grandma got into a fight which ended in me getting a ban from seeing my grandma 3 months later i was in the hospital visiting my dad and asked why is grandma not visiting anymore hé just said your grandma has cancer after I heard that I just felt emptiness i only saw my grandma 2 times before she died once back at her home the last time was 2 days before she died I never forgave my mom for not telling me before jt was to late that she had cancer and not letting me visit her now it’s summer 2026 my dad had in the winter of 2026 hé could walk again but now on this date hé is back in a wheelchair and hé drinking with medication and his marriage with my mom is failing like they are Arguing 24/7 and I just can’t take it anymore and when I set boundaries they just laugh at me and break them I’ve always had this craving of i wanna come out of the closet but I am just scared of what would happen cause I live in a Muslim household and my friends have said in the years before homophobic things and those remarks have left me with crippling anxiety to the point that I could just collapse and break down and everytime I am outside I feel like everyone js judging me and hating on me to the point that even stepping outside is to much and cause of what happend in 2025 and 2026 this has left me with depression to the point that showering or brushing my teeth is to much and I feel like and I don’t know how am supposed to tell my friends/parents my feelings cause I don’t know how they will react and if I ask for a therapist they would just say no
And I’ve never self harmed but I feel like a sinking ship everyday 24/7
(Sorry for bad spelling English isnt my first language)

I've been feeling quite pathetic and the urge is growing strong. I don't wanna worry my family by telling all my nonsense mental chaos. And so i was wondering if finding a new hobby would help? I can kinda...? sing so i want to post covers but I always find an excuse to delay it. I journal a lot but it isn't helping these days.

Does having smth to distract you help in suppressing the urge?

Before I launch into it, I understand therapy is the answer. It's the only way to build the resilience, distress tolerance, and coping mechanisms he needs. Yet times are hard for everyone right now, and with this incident that takes priority, we simply can't afford therapy at the moment. I'm looking for advice on what we can work on together to get through this stressful time, thank you.

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, living together for 1. We have a solidly good relationship. We're very devoted and respectful to each other, and I definitely see myself going through life with him at my side.

When things are going as they should be, everything is great. However I've noticed that he has a low resilience threshold when times are tough. Sometimes it leaks out in little moments, like losing his keys or staying at work overtime, but those are trivial compared to the truly difficult stuff life can throw at you, like what's happening now.

His dog stopped eating, and when he was taken to the vet, it was discovered that he's going to need extractions done. The vet bill alone was expensive, and the extractions will be at least one grand. We're living paycheck-to-paycheck, and he doesn't have pet insurance, so this procedure will need to be paid out of pocket.

It's a shitty situation, but we don't give up on those we love, and we'll find a way to get the money somehow. At least, that's how I feel. He's been spiraling the last few days now, only finding rest from his thoughts in his sleep. He views this situation as a personal failing— he's thinking everything is crumbling around him, he's going to lose everyone he cares about, he's not good enough, etc. Lots of crying and looping thoughts that he gets trapped in.

I'm very supportive towards him, offering reassurance, but in my honest opinion, I find it very dramatic and unhelpful. I understand this situation is very stressful, I'm worried about it too, but my worth and sanity aren't at risk here, ya know? In life, shit happens, and shit will continue to happen until the day we die. I suppose I'm more solution-oriented, or maybe I'm just too cold? Whatever the case, it's how I feel.

How can I assist my partner through these hard times, and preserve my patience with him through it? Does anyone else know someone similar to my partner, and if so, how do you help walk them through their catastrophizing? I appreciate all advice, thank you!

Lately, I have been unemployed for more than 6 months now.

Not like I am completely free, I have some freelance work and been doing content creation as well. But I am going through a lot of mood changes in a day and I really wanna track that. Probably an AI can give me insights but marking on a notes app and then giving to AI isn't actually feasible for a month's calendar.

Is there any app right now where I can mark down my feelings and eventually analyse it weekly or monthly basis?

At the age of 20, I was on my way to join the Army. I had gone to MEPS and had passed the asvab and physical evaluation. I had a lot of stress on myself and had my first psychiatric break. On top of that, I was taking an over the counter testosterone booster that was advertised for working out/fitness but I took it to deepen my voice because I was insecure. I personally think the hormones from the testosterone could have messed with my brain chemistry and caused me to have a psychotic break/episode. During the episode, I was very manic and was talking to myself. One night, I took off from my parents and just started walking around the neighborhood at 12am or so. My parents found me and they called the cops and I was taken to the hospital where I had delusions. I’ve googled this and I haven’t found anybody else with the same thing but I had auditory hallucinations where I was hearing voices of my coworkers/people I knew in voices of complete strangers (hospital staff/patients). For example, the nurse talked to me and I heard the voice of a coworker named “Doctor Jones” so I asked “Doctor Jones, is that you?” To which they replied,”Who is Doctor Jones??” Then when I was taken to the psychiatric hospital, I saw faces of people I thought I knew or heard familiar voices of people I knew in these strangers. I took a shower and thought there was a bug (like one of those FBI auditory recorders/trackers) and I almost remember some circuit board looking thing come out of my ear and I put it in the drain but that could have been a delusion/hallucination. I also thought there was a mic recording all the things I was saying and almost playing it on the intercom for everyone to hear. When we had quiet time/nap time, I thought the other patients were watching videos of my time at the hospital like it was a TV show. I was having very serious delusions there. I was then diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I was horrified. I was then medicated to the point where I was so sluggish and couldn’t exercise because my meds affected my heart rate. I had to break contact with the Army. From then on I have had other episodes but ONLY because of marijuana. I had smoked or taken edibles because I was depressed and I wanted to feel something. This was a terrible decision and made me have a psychotic breakdown. So honestly I’ve only had one “naturally occurring” episode but I think it could’ve been caused by the testosterone. I got a second opinion and that doctor diagnosed me with Schizoaffective disorder: bipolar type. Now I’m 25 and I have a partner that has seen me medicated and thinks it makes me slower mentally and I’m not in the right headspace. When I had first gotten diagnosed, I hated my meds. They made me sluggish and slower intelligence-wise. He thinks that my family has handicapped me with a mental illness and that potentially I could be fine off my medication. My partner knows someone in the family that was diagnosed with schizophrenia but had been rediagnosed and it was determined that she was okay without her meds. I want to believe him but I’m worried I would have another episode being off my meds. I don’t do weed anymore because I know how it makes me psychotic and I’ve been hospitalized as a result of that. I have a doctor’s appointment coming up and I don’t know how to bring this up to him without him telling me I’m mentally ill and there’s nothing that will change that. I want to ask for a possible re-diagnosis because I don’t struggle with delusional behavior but that might be because of my current meds. The only thing I really struggle with still is anxiety but I’m wondering if one or some of my meds heighten that anxiety. What do you think?

Long story short: I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia then schizoaffective disorder:bipolar type and I’m wondering if I could one day wean off my meds and be functional like my partners family member.

I am feeling overwhelmed right now.

(Usually, I keep my feelings to myself, but today, something in me felt like maybe I don't need to carry everything alone. )

My first frustration: The Void

I've been feeling a void, a sense of emptiness for 5 years now.

And I've tried to feel better. But I feel very empty. This sense that all of life is 1 big meaningless adventure.

And yes, I could say motivating quotes like : life is the only thing we have, so we should make the best of it. But intellectually solving the problem doesn't solve how I feel. I still feel the vacuum. For 5 years. Relentlessly.

So that's one frustrating thing. It feels like : when will it finally stop? Or will it ever even stop?

I dont want to die like this. I want to feel whole.

My second frustration is stagnation

Another thing is growth. I've struggled with my grades, and for 3 years, non-stop, I've been failing and failing. Every time I start with a fresh sheet and I intropsect, and I make a plan and still end up with unsatisfactory results.

It feels like the same event keeps occurring in a loop.

My third frustration: Fear

Now, I also have a lot of fear inside. I've been afraid in college. Recently, I made a plan of all the things I need to do to move on and progress in life, and it overwhelmed me so much today. I feel like I dont have the courage to do those things. But I also feel like if I told myself to take baby steps, I'd still never succeed because I feel like mo matter what I do, I never succeed no matter how genuine my intentions are. And I'm too scared of taking certain risks.

So I'm afraid I'll never be successful. And now I'm comparing myself to successful people and thinking they must be so lucky. Or how do they do it.

Hello everyone. I’ve been having intense loneliness and sadness. I started doing IOP which honestly not sure if it’s been helping. Sometimes I think to myself that no matter what, all the help that there’s just no helping me and that I’m damaged for life. I recently started thinking negatively about myself again. I go in episodes where I think no one loves me and that I’m unlovable. I often think to myself that I’m a nobody and I won’t be here much longer. I don’t think anyone would even show up to my funeral. I genuinely don’t have any friends. Each group of friends throughout my life ghosted me. I know deep down my family does love me but they’re not understanding and supportive of anything I do so our relationship isn’t the greatest. My brother and I always thought they cared more about him and praised him more than me. I do virtual IOP and I’m slowly opening up but still scared to fully say how I feel. Outside of that I don’t have a safe space to talk about this.

I (24yo m) recently screwed up by relaying information that was disgustingly wrong but I had full right in that moment to believe it due to the situation.

This information being wrong unfortunately made a very strong negative impact on my friend. Especially with the person who gave me the info is now just making things up and changing stories rapidly. But those two are closer than I am with them.

How I can take accountability for the stress and anxiety this is causing my friend?

As I know I am not innocent in their stress with this situation, no matter how I experienced it.

My dad passed away in fall 2024. I don't have any siblings, so my mom is really the only person I can talk to, and while she loves me and feels for me, there are reasons she just can't be the person I need right now. In the time since, I lost most of my core friend group from college. The few I've kept, I still love, but distance has made us not as close anymore.

On top of that, I've been recruiting full time for AI and startup roles since around March, so almost five months now (as i was traveling post - grad / living and working abroad after graduating in april 2025). I'm not technical, I have a business background, but these companies test for it anyway, so every process means learning a whole new product, doing a case study, prepping for technical interviews, on top of everything else. I've gotten four interview processes to a pretty late stage, two of them to the actual final round, and still no offer. Each process eats up close to a month, so it's felt like this endless loop of hoping and then starting over.

I've told everyone in my life that I already have a job. I haven't corrected that because I feel so ashamed and embarrassed, and I know there would be judgment. People remember the internships I used to have and I can already hear the "what happened to her, why did she just fall off like this." So instead I've just been quietly waiting until I have something real to tell people.

I've even hired coaches to help with this process like on leland platform, ones that help with recruitment for tech companies and have worked at places like Meta and Google. Somewhere in the middle of all this I got into an argument with one friend that ended with me ending the friendship, and another argument with a former friend after hearing things they'd said about me. Looking back I know I wouldn't have reacted that way if I had a job and felt stable. I don't feel like myself.

Every morning I wake up with this heaviness and dread before I've even opened my eyes. I know I'm supposedly getting good opportunities, top companies, late rounds, and I know I should feel grateful for that. But mostly I just feel so alone in it.

I just want to know what to do or how to even try to get to a better place. All I keep thinking if if i had a job i loved it would be fine but i don't know how to do well mentally otherwise. and i feel like i've exhausted my options.

things have just been so rough and i feel my mental state getting worse everyday.

i'm 17 and i fear i wasted my teenage years, i've always been very shy and i've never been very open towards new experiences, i never had sentimental relationships, i have the same 4 friends from childhood and i started doing stuff (going to parties, summer camps, trips) last year but i feel like i only have 2/3 years left and then everything ends so i'm tryna rush everything in these 3 years but the regret is eating me alive. i'm 17 but i feel 15 and the world isn't gonna wait for me

what do you think

So, basically This all starts in 2025. I cant focus randomly. No addictions nothing, No energy in the morning, fully exhausted. Super Hungry and sleep habit changes by a lot. Then I realize that I have been feeling this for years. So, This happens because I have a downfall in my marks(by a lot), then my parents pressure me a lot. I just cant handle it at all. So my marks get worse and worse. This feeling was also caused by my parents. Sorrow hits me hard. My whole life, they haven't treated me like this. Taunts being so offensive. I am not gonna tell you the story because its too big. But today my mother treated me super bad. Wishing I was never born and Blah-Blah. She does it everyday. Just because I didn't get a badge of recognition(Remember she's the reason). Now, random people will say you cant handle pressure. Pressure has a limit, okay? I have had enough, Treating me so bad, that at this point. I don't feel anything. My friend played me by saying that a girl likes you, but it was a joke, and she used it for her entertainment. Wrote me a apology letter, But can a letter bring 1 year? The answer is no it can't. She forced the girl, and treated her like a dog, and I was like her servant, and even after that apology said "Will you keep my books in my locker" Since I used to do it because she took the girl's name. (Remember we all were a group). Yea, then parents threaten to take my hobbies. The only things I liked, because of a downfall, and the downfall was cause by the pressure not my hobbies. Now tell me, what to do?

Need help with my current mental health .

these past few month, I'm drained as fuck like every fucking day went

my thoughts is always killingmyself, I know there's something wrong about me and yes i need to see therapist before i kms, since my parent split up, It feels like my life has no direction. Maybe I need to take medicine so I don't feel anything anymore but fuckkk my dad will yell at me just bcs I need some help, it's serious like anytime I can kms 🫩🫩

Hi everyone. I’m typing this because I genuinely don't know where else to turn, and I’m in a really dark place right now.

I was involved with someone as "the other person." I’m not here to make excuses for my actions. I feel deeply disappointed in myself, and carrying the guilt alongside the heartbreak has completely worn me down. I know what I did was wrong, and sitting with that reality while trying to pick up the broken pieces of my life has been overwhelming.

The hardest part right now is the isolation. I haven't been able to reach out to friends or family because I'm terrified of their judgment. I feel so alone in this pain. Loving someone who wasn't fully mine left me feeling depleted, and grieving a relationship that was built on painful circumstances makes the healing process feel so confusing and lonely.

I am just so, so tired.

I would really appreciate any gentle advice, perspective, or steps on how to start healing. Please be kind. I'm already hurting enough and genuinely just want to find a way forward.

Thank you for reading.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel so useless. Unfortunately, I've been living with my godparents along with my imitate family for a few months. And in those few months, I've been trying to do things. Finish my GED and get a job to help move out of here. I HAVE to get a job because my godparents are sucking me and my family dry of everything we have. We have to give them $1100 a month. With other expenses, we're lucky if we have $200 left a month for ourselves/savings. On top of that, my mother is bad with saving money in general. She buys dumb shit we dont need most of the time. I've been putting in application upon application to different places, but nowhere is responding even when I follow up. I've never worked before. I've been fortunate enough not to have to. But now im just thrown into it, and im coming up dry. I have talents like crochet and digital art, but I dont even know where or how those would make me any money. Now my godfather is on my ass about getting a job even though I've told him about no one replying, and I've explained to him my mental health issues. I have depression, anxiety, social anxiety, and a panic disorder. Im unfortunately not being treated for any of it currently due to a lack of funds and health insurance. I stay in "my room" all day because I can't handle much. I was getting help before I moved here when i lived with my father before he passed back in November. He'd be so disappointed at how I've fallen back into my old ways. Im disappointed in myself. Most days, I can't even get up and clean myself properly. I dont know when I took an actual shower or made "my" bed. There's also children who live here. They're out of control, and their actions never have consequences. So they're rowdy and overwhelming for me. When im overwhelmed, I get angry very easily, I try to keep my distance by isolating myself. But it makes me feel bad. I just dont know what to do, I feel like such a burden on everyone in my life.

To start this I would like to apologise for the terrible structure and convoluted nature of this. I’m not in the greatest headspace for writing a literary masterpiece right now… in fact on reading over it again it would potentially be better written if I didn’t speak English and were just randomly hitting the keyboard
Hi, I’m 18, male and British. So far I guess you could say I’ve had an insanely good life - gone to good schools, never worried about food, always had a roof over my head, parents that try, gone on holiday every couple years. Like I can’t complain but I just feel so lost and alone.
I was brought up in a very much ‘talking about your feelings is weak’ household (my parents won’t admit that but it’s just the way they’ve always treated it) so whenever I had a problem of any sorts I just tried to deal with it myself. Anyway, turns out I’m pretty shit at sorting out my problems and rather incredible at just packing them away into small boxes that then explode open every so often.
I recently finished my alevels and was supposed to go backpacking round Europe with some friends - none of them had gotten jobs though so I was the only one with the money to do the trip so figured why not just go and do it. What I didn’t think about is that I’ve now been on my own for 22 days and got another 25 to go and I’m sort of spiralling. When I’m with people I know I try and force myself to be extroverted and then I have a great time, I just can’t seem to make myself want to go out and meet people when I’m on my own. I’ve gone out clubbing a couple times, had drinks with people in hostel bars and tried to be social but all that’s happened is that I feel even more alone afterwards.
Perhaps what’s making it worse is that there was this girl I was super close with, and we hooked up at a party on the last day of school and it was amazing but she wanted to just keep it casual so we’ve been talking less and less and ig me being completely on my own out here sorta made me realise that I need to move on from her but that I can’t - the only person in the world I want to talk to is her, but I can’t tell her that because I don’t want to risk pushing her even further away.
Also something else that’s adding to it I guess is just a ridiculous amount of stress and pressure building up to A-Level results day. If I’m being brutally honest with myself I want nothing more than to go home and just cancel the rest of my trip right now but also I’m terrified of going home. On GCSE results day my dad thought it would be funny to print off my results and circle the two that weren’t A’s (we have a pretty good banter relationship thing going so I get why he thought it might be) what he didn’t realise is that the only thing I really wanted on that day was his approval but I can’t tell him that because that’s just not the thing we’ve got going. Anyway I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to even be in the same country as him on alevel results day in case things didn’t go well because I’m not sure I could survive the aftermath of that at home. But also it means that I have to spend possibly the worst day of my life so far on my own in a foreign country without my friends and I’m equally scared of that.
The girl I mentioned before messaged me the other day asking if I was going to be back for results day and the party after and I had to say no because I’d planned this trip and booked accommodation and basically everything other than the truth which is that I’m not sure I could manage it. All of my friends are incredibly intelligent people so I already know I’ll have done the worst out of them and yet for some reason people still have these ridiculous expectations of me. From the age of 4 my dad wanted me to be an engineer. I hated engineering. So I switched, and it took me 11 years or so to work up the courage to say I wanted to do medicine because I thought that would make him proud. I’ve spent the last two years working my ass off doing 3 subjects I hate just so maybe he could see me as something other than just a lot of wasted money but to be honest the chances of me pulling decent grades is incredibly low and that means that I’ve wasted 2 years and put myself through hell for nothing and again I’m not sure I can be around people on the day if that’s happened. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, the only thing that I’ve ever wanted to do is join the military to which my parents flat out told me they would disown me if I did so not sure what I’m going to do about that.
Again sorry for how twisted this is I just can’t think straight. Jumping back to that girl again, I think I’m in love with her so when she asked me to come back early it took everything I had to lie to her about my reasons not to - and in addition to my parents the other reason is that if I see her again I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I’m trying to spend the summer getting over her but every time I try and talk to a girl at a club I just wish it was her I was talking to. Hell I hooked up with a girl and spent the whole time wishing it was her. I’m fuxking broken
I guess what I’m trying to ask and what likely none of that has led up to is: how do I stop myself from hating everything about an objectively good life and how do i stop feeling so lonely without abandoning my trip?
Thanks for reading that essay, sorry it’s so poorly worded

I wish I wasn't too depressed so I can make friends here. People here have many cool hobbies, while I'm just.. Idk. Probably my hobby is isolating my self. I think I can't make friends until my mental health gets better or I would only spread negative energy to them.

A few days ago I spiraled out of control and started taking pills in order to kll myself. Now while ofc it didn’t work and I stopped midway, it left me deeply concerned for myself and where my mind was at.

I’ve had multiple instances where I’ll do things to harm myself and go long periods of time feeling completely disconnected and uninterested in life. I’ll throw out any logic and completely dismiss my life, (I’ve quit jobs during these periods & missed opportunities) but then I’ll “snap” out of it and suddenly everything has meaning again. I want to stop this cycle but I don’t even know what it is or what it means. Sometimes I feel crazy…idk. It feels like there’s a different person living inside me when I have these little “breakdowns”.

I want to start reconnecting with people so that I’m not isolated anymore, I want to start getting some hobbies and taking care of myself, but idk where to start or how to be consistent with it…I don’t know how to stop the spiral. Please give me some advice I don’t want to lose my life in the heat of the moment.

I’d do therapy if I could afford it, but I can’t right now…so Reddit it all I got.

I have been having suicidal thoughts for a while now but it has never gotten this bad to where I am desperate to vent. I am in university but I did not go last semester because of anxiety. I told no one I just stopped showing up overall. I didn’t even notify the university that I wasn’t going to attend this semester because that wasn’t my plan. My first semester was hell. I was put on academic probation. I have always had really bad social anxiety. I don’t know if it has anything to do with spending most of my high school years isolated without friends. It has never gone to the point where I am scared to leave my home. I don’t have my drivers license. My permit expires before I can take the driving test and I don’t know how I will tell my parents. I am working in a field job with my mom and it’s torture thinking about going back everyday. I just wish I was brought up differently. I feel like I am not functional at all. I am not educated at all either. Nothing interests me at all. I have no hobbies. No friends except some online ones but they stopped talking to me. I have issues with my parents as-well. I am slowly pushing everyone who cares about me away. It just feels like I’ll never come back from any of this. I thought my mental health would decline to the point where I would have the courage to take my life. I feel it getting there, It genuinely feels like I have no one. I don’t even know if I have depression or I am just being dramatic. I don’t know anyone that would be in my position. My birthdays in a week and I don’t know if I want to make it to the next. I just want it all to end already. I want to just go to sleep and never have to wake up to this again.

I WROTE A LONG VERSION AND A SHORT VERSION - (the shorter one is at the bottom)

LONG VERSION :

I don't really know how to explain this properly, but I want an outside perspective from people who don't know any of us. This is probably going to be really long because there are a lot of things that happened, and I think the order matters.

I'll call my two closest friends E 17 and M 16, another person involved A 16, and my younger sister K 13.

For context, before any of this happened, I had already been feeling really bad for a while.

I was struggling every day. Everything felt really hard, including eating and just dealing with life in general. I was constantly in my head, constantly thinking about everything, and I felt like I was dealing with a lot by myself.

At the same time, I was feeling really dismissed by E and M.

I felt like I was trying to talk to them about things, but I wasn't really being listened to or taken seriously. I had two people who were supposed to be my best friends, but I still felt incredibly alone.

And I think this is important because I have felt alone before.

In primary school, I was bullied by friends and even by a teacher, who was later fired for the way they treated me. I was also told to kill myself.

So I think I have always had this fear of being alone and of people turning against me.

I thought I had finally moved away from that.

I thought I had finally found people who were my people. I thought I had finally found my friends and that I wasn't going to be that lonely person anymore.

So when I started feeling dismissed and alone again, it hit harder than it probably would have otherwise.

Eventually, I told A that I was struggling.

I didn't tell him that I wanted to kill myself. I didn't tell him that I didn't want to wake up. I didn't tell him that I was hurting myself.

I told him that I was struggling every day and that everything was getting really hard, including things like eating.

I told him because I trusted him.

I wasn't asking him to fix me. I wasn't asking him to become responsible for me. I was just telling someone that I was struggling.

Then there was an incident that really hurt me.

I was on a call with A. K came into the room, and I told her that I was on the phone with A and that he was walking home from bouldering, which was about an hour walk.

She said something like, “ha, loser.”

A then replied to her with something about her needing to count calories.

K couldn't hear him because I was wearing earphones.

But I heard every word he said.

K didn't know that he had said it. I was the only person who heard it.

And I kept thinking about the fact that A knew what I had told him. He knew I was struggling. He knew that things like eating were already difficult for me.

And then he said that.

Eventually, after thinking about it, I cut him off.

At the time, I thought that was the end of it.

A and I stopped talking.

Then I went on work experience for a week.

This was roughly two months after A and I had last talked.

Then my mum asked me if I was self-harming.

I said no.

I absolutely refused to admit that I wasn't okay.

I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to admit that I was struggling.

I was angry and overwhelmed, and I felt like something had happened behind my back.

I was furious.

I raged at A over text.

I was angry that he had told people he was worried about me, especially because we hadn't even spoken for so long.

I felt like something I had told him in confidence had somehow become something other people knew about.

I still didn't know exactly what had happened, though.

The next week, I came to school and had a meeting with my English teacher, who was also the deputy principal and the person who had called my parents.

I went into that meeting still not knowing everything.

During the meeting, I was told that it wasn't just one person who had been worried about me.

It was multiple people.

That was when I realised that this was bigger than I had thought.

I felt exposed.

I felt like something I had told one person about struggling had somehow turned into a situation involving multiple people, my school and my parents while I had no idea what was happening.

I felt like I had completely lost control of my own situation.

It was only after that meeting that I found out that E and M had been involved.

And this is where everything became even more complicated for me.

Because I found out that they knew.

They had not told me, and worse, they lied about knowing anything and just gave veigue answers like "oh I think he said something about going".

They had been involved in something that directly affected me, while I had no idea.

I felt betrayed.

I confronted them.

They admitted that they had been involved, but I felt like there was still a lot that I hadn't known.

I was so angry and hurt that I stopped talking to them for a couple of days.

What made it worse was that it felt like they were able to just move on.

I couldn't.

I felt like something huge had happened to me, and everyone else seemed to be able to continue as if everything was normal.

At that point, I think I had already started letting them go in my head.

Because of everything that had happened to me before, I think part of me immediately went back to the idea that I was going to be alone again.

I had been bullied by people who were supposed to be my friends. I had been treated horribly by a teacher. I had been told to kill myself. I had spent a lot of my life feeling like I didn't belong.

I had thought I had finally moved away from that.

I thought I had finally found my people.

So when this happened, I think something in me just decided that I needed to let them go before I could be hurt any more.

I had already accepted that I might have to be alone again.

I had already started preparing myself for that.

But instead of just cutting them off completely, I decided that the mature thing to do would be to actually sit down with them and explain everything.

I wrote a whole speech because I didn't know how to say everything properly in the moment.

I wanted them to understand what had happened from my perspective and how much it had affected me.

So I sat down with them and read it to them.

I wasn't doing that because I had suddenly stopped being hurt.

I was doing it because, even though I had already started letting them go in my head, I still cared about them enough to try to explain why I was hurt instead of just disappearing.

I remember getting really angry while I was reading my speech to them.

I said that I didn't understand how they thought I didn't deserve a conversation before going through all of that.

I asked them, “What did you think I was going to do? Cut my wrist in front of you or something? Show it to you and cry?”

Like, what the fuck?

I just didn't understand how they thought I didn't deserve to be spoken to before everything was taken completely out of my control.

E cried and apologised.

She told me everything that had happened from her perspective and explained what had happened and what she had been thinking.

M didn't really say much and tried to argue her point instead.

The conversation was complicated because I was still angry, but I also still cared about both of them.

I could understand why they had been worried.

But understanding why someone did something doesn't automatically make the way it affected me disappear.

And I think this situation has affected me so much because it confirmed one of my worst fears.

I still haven't really told anyone that I'm struggling.

Not properly.

Because I already had the fear that if I told someone I was struggling, it would get out of control.

I was scared that I would tell one person something personal, and suddenly it would become something that other people knew about.

I was scared that I would lose control over my own situation.

And then that is exactly what I felt happened.

So now I don't want to tell anyone that I'm struggling because my worst fear about doing that has already happened.

I know that A was worried about me.

I know E and M were worried about me.

I know that people probably thought they were doing the right thing.

But that doesn't change the fact that I felt completely exposed and betrayed by the way everything happened.

And I think it also hit so hard because I had spent so much of my life feeling alone.

I had been bullied by people who were supposed to be my friends.

I had been treated badly by a teacher.

I had been made to feel like I didn't belong.

And then I thought I had finally moved away from that.

I thought I had finally found my people.

I thought I had finally found friends who would stay.

The three of us had been best friends for years.

People treated us like we were a package deal.

People would ask where the other two were if they saw one of us alone.

People talked about us like we were going to be best friends forever.

I think I stopped seeing myself as just me.

I was one of the three of us.

But even before everything with A happened, I had already started feeling like E and M were becoming closer to each other and that I was being left behind.

They had more classes together.

They spent time together without me.

I know they're allowed to have other friendships. I know they're allowed to spend time together without me.

But it still hurt.

It started to feel like they were becoming a pair and I was the person outside of it.

I started trying harder to spend time with E.

I wanted to hang out and FaceTime, but then I started worrying that I was being annoying or trying too hard.

I felt like I was constantly trying to work out whether she actually wanted me around.

Eventually, I had already let them go in my head.

I had decided that I was going to back away before I got hurt more.

I was protecting myself.

I had accepted that I might have to be alone again.

I had somehow made myself okay with that.

I had already prepared myself to lose them.

I thought I had made the choice to leave before they could leave me.

I was going to be okay with being alone.

I thought I was going to be okay.

But then I didn't completely lose them.

And that made everything even more confusing.

Because I was still friends with them, but something felt different.

People still called E my best friend.

She still acted like my best friend sometimes, and I still called her mine too.

But it felt weird and wrong in a way I can't properly explain.

Every time I had to think about it, it felt like I had been hit in the chest with a bowling ball.

People still talked about M, E and me like we were inseparable.

Like there were three of us and there would always be three of us.

But I started feeling like an imposter.

When people asked where the other two were, I felt like I was just faking everything now, not just my smile and emotions and feelings but my friendships too.

Then I ended up doing a ceramics course with E.

And that made everything even more confusing.

Because I felt really close to her again.

We spent time together and I felt like we genuinely connected.

I felt close to her in a way that I had really missed.

There were moments where I felt like I had my friend back.

But even while I felt close to her, I still felt like I had to hide it from her.

I had already let her go in my head.

I had already accepted that I might have to be alone.

I had already tried to protect myself from wanting the friendship too much.

So when I suddenly felt close to her again, I was scared.

I felt like I couldn't let myself fully show how much it meant to me because I was scared of getting attached to something that might disappear again.

It felt like I was trying to protect myself from my own happiness.

I still love E and M.

I still care about them.

I still want them in my life.

That is what makes everything so difficult.

I feel betrayed by them but still love them.

I feel hurt by them but still miss them.

I feel lonely because of them while still wanting them to be the people I go to.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

I don't know if I'm too dependent on my friends.

I don't know if I'm overreacting, or if I have a valid reason to feel the way I do.

I don't know whether I should try harder to fix things, distance myself again, or accept that the friendship has changed.

I think the hardest part is that I had already let them go in my head.

I had already decided that I was going to be alone again.

I had accepted it.

And now I'm still here, still caring about them, still feeling close to them sometimes, still wanting things to be like they used to be, but also still feeling like something has been broken.

I feel like I'm expected to move on because people were worried about me and because they had good intentions.

But I don't think good intentions automatically mean I wasn't hurt.

I don't think I can just decide not to be affected by something because the people involved were worried about me.

I don't know if I'm being selfish or dramatic for still feeling this way.

I just know that I feel like I lost something, even though technically the friendship never completely ended.

I also haven't told anyone that I'm struggling since this happened.

Part of that is because I'm genuinely really good at lying and acting like I'm fine.

I can come up with extremely valid-sounding but completely fake excuses for why I'm not okay, and I can make people believe them.

I've gotten so good at acting normal that people have felt genuinely bad for not trusting me and have blamed themselves for assuming something was wrong.

That's how good I am at hiding it.

So when people say that I should just tell someone if I'm struggling, it's not that simple for me.

I've already seen what happens when I tell someone.

And I've also seen how easy it is for me to convince people that I'm fine when I'm not.

SHORTER VERSION :

I don't really know how to explain this properly, but I want an outside perspective from people who don't know any of us. This is still long, but I've tried to cut out the repetition.

I'll call my two closest friends E (17) and M (16), another person A (16), and my younger sister K (13).

Before any of this happened, I had already been struggling a lot. I felt constantly overwhelmed and alone, and I also felt dismissed by E and M when I tried to talk to them.

This was especially difficult because I have a history of being bullied and betrayed by people I trusted, so I have always been scared of being alone or people turning against me. I thought I had finally found people who were genuinely my people.

Eventually, I told A that I was struggling. I didn't tell him I wanted to die or that I was hurting myself. I just told him that I was struggling every day and that things like eating and dealing with life were becoming difficult. I told him because I trusted him.

While I was on a call with A one day, my sister K came into the room and jokingly called him a loser because he was walking home from bouldering. A responded with something about her needing to count calories. K couldn't hear him, but I did.

This hurt especially badly because A knew I was already struggling with eating. I eventually cut him off because of it.

About two months later, while I was on work experience, my mum asked me if I was self-harming. I said no and became extremely angry because I felt like something I had told A privately had somehow become a situation involving other people, my school and my parents.

I later found out that E and M had also been involved in raising concerns about me. They had known what was happening but hadn't told me, and I felt like they had lied when I asked them about it. I felt betrayed and completely out of control of my own situation.

I understand that they were worried about me. However, I was still hurt that nobody had spoken to me first. I remember asking them, “What did you think I was going to do? Cut my wrist in front of you or something? Show it to you and cry?”

I felt like I deserved a conversation before everything was taken completely out of my control.

E apologised and explained her perspective, while M mostly argued her point. I was still angry, but I also still cared about both of them. I could understand why they were worried, but understanding someone's intentions didn't make the impact disappear.

Since then, I haven't really told anyone that I'm struggling. One of my biggest fears was that if I told one person something personal, it would become something everyone knew about and I would lose control of my own situation. I felt like that was exactly what happened.

This has also affected my friendships with E and M. The three of us had been best friends for years and people treated us like we were inseparable. But even before this happened, I had started feeling like E and M were becoming closer to each other and I was being left behind. They had more classes together and spent more time together without me.

I know they are allowed to have other friends, but it still hurt. I started trying harder to spend time with E, while also worrying that I was being annoying or trying too hard.

Eventually, I mentally prepared myself to lose both of them. I decided I would distance myself before I could be hurt more and accepted that I might have to be alone again.

But I never completely lost them, which somehow made things more confusing. I still loved them and wanted them in my life, but something felt different. People still treated us like we were inseparable, but I started feeling like an imposter, as if I was pretending that the friendship was still the same.

Then I did a ceramics course with E, and we became close again. There were moments where I felt like I had my friend back, but I was also scared to fully let myself enjoy it because I had already accepted losing her once.

I still love and care about both E and M. I feel betrayed by them but still want them in my life. I feel hurt by them but still miss them. I feel lonely because of them while still wanting them to be the people I go to.

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable, too dependent on my friends, or overreacting. I don't know whether I should try harder to fix things, distance myself again, or accept that the friendship has changed.

I also haven't told anyone that I'm struggling since this happened. Part of that is because I'm genuinely very good at hiding it. I can come up with extremely believable but completely fake excuses, and I've become good enough at acting normal that people have felt guilty for not believing me when they thought something was wrong.

So when people say I should just tell someone if I'm struggling, it isn't that simple for me. I've seen what happens when I do tell someone, but I've also seen how easily I can convince people that I'm fine when I'm not.

I don't know if I'm being selfish or dramatic for still feeling hurt when everyone involved had good intentions. I just know that I feel like I lost something, even though the friendship technically never completely ended.

I need hwlp guys im ovwrthinking right now please help me Im anxious I dont know what to do. My boss just recently know that I have a previous job and I didnt acknowledge it. Will he fore me?