r/MenGetRapedToo Jun 23 '17

Obtaining professional help: a guide for men

66 Upvotes

Nearly everybody -- the victims themselves, therapists and counsellors, and scholars in the field -- agree that good professional help is extremely valuable for men and boys who have undergone sexual violence. Rape and sexual assault are isolating experiences. Speaking with somebody in real life helps to break that isolation. A skilled, sensitive therapist or counsellor can also help you find new perspectives; put what happened into a broader context; and suggest useful strategies for dealing with the aftermath. r/MenGetRapedToo is a strong advocate of guys obtaining good outside help. It makes a big difference.

Unfortunately, good outside help in this area is very hard to find. You're almost certainly going to have to work at it; it's not likely (though it could happen) that you're going to be successful on the very first try. So if you take away nothing else from this post, remember the following Golden Rule:-

It's like dating. Keep at it until you find the right person.

A characteristic pattern can be found in sexually assaulted men's help-seeking behavior. They wait far too long to seek outside assistance, and do so only when they're already in deep crisis. Then they go to see somebody. Often, that somebody isn't the right person for the job. The male victims, disheartened, drop out after a couple of frustrating sessions. But instead of saying to themselves, as women and girls much more typically do, "OK, that was a bust: on to the next candidate on the list," they never seek external help again. Instead they either retreat in upon themselves still further; self-medicate with booze or drugs; or both.

Don't be that guy.

It's unrealistic to expect to be successful first crack out of the box. Go into this prepared for the long haul.

All that said, where might you start looking?

 

RAPE CRISIS CENTERS

In many respects these are the obvious places to approach, in English-speaking countries at any rate. There are a lot of them -- more than 1,300 in the United States; more than a hundred in Great Britain -- and you're not likely to be far away from one. They're free to the client. They do this kind of thing for a living. Most have 24/7 hotlines, so they're easily accessible day and night. Still, for men, RCCs also come with definite structural limitations, and it's important to be aware of these.

The first is access. In a lot of countries it's legal for RCCs to refuse to provide services to male clients. A lot of RCCs in Britain will not deal with men or boys. The same is true of many Canadian ones, and in New Zealand. Of those that do, the services provided are rarely on an equal basis. For example, some RCCs will only take calls from boys under the age of 18. Others will provide telephone counselling only, but not allow men or boys in their offices, which they maintain as women-only spaces. For trans people it's even more complicated. Some will provide services only to FtM people (on the ground that they're chromosomally female); others only to MtF people (on the ground that they're now living as women). Spend some time with the RCC's website -- most of them have one -- to see what their access policies may be. This is preferable to running the risk of being turned away in person, which can be highly traumatizing.

Elsewhere, as in the United States, equalities laws prevent RCCs from discriminating in this way. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they're safe spaces for male victims. The RCC sector in the States is overwhelmingly female in composition: around 98% of their personnel. For the majority, male sexual victimization isn't very much on their radar screen, or high on their list of priorities. Very few provide any kind of useful training in this area to their counsellors; in fairness to them, we're unaware of places where such training can be obtained. Their counsellors spend their entire day hearing about barbaric treatment of women by men; it's often psychologically hard for them to switch gears and start thinking of men as victims rather than perpetrators. A lot of halfwitted men like to telephone RCCs, especially late at night, and troll them with abusive or obscene calls -- yes, this really does happen; it's not a feminist myth -- which raises the index of suspicion when a male voice is heard at the other end of the line. And some RCC people do operate out of a very rigid theoretical framework that can result in them "overwriting" men's lived experiences with their own preferred interpretations. This is especially the case when a female perpetrator may be involved.

Are we saying "Don't ever approach an RCC?" Not at all. But these structural limitations do exist, and have real consequences. It's important to be aware of them.

As with most things, detailed reconnaissance helps you to avoid encountering upsetting experiences further down the line. Check out the website very carefully indeed: all of it, not just the section -- if it exists -- about male victims. (If such a section doesn't exist, that indicates something right there.) Look for evidence that the organization in question has given some thought about how to reach out to male clients. Does the RCC have a name suggesting otherwise, e.g. Women Helping Women (Greater Cincinnati) or stock photos of victims that don't include any men or boys? Do the statistical data it provides rely on harmfully narrow definitions, or out-of-date figures about the prevalence of sexual violence against men? Does its list of external resources include useful items suggesting actual awareness of the dynamics of male sexual victimization?

If you have a trusted female relative or friend who is willing to make the first contact with an RCC on your behalf, she may be able to help you find out what kind of services might be available to you, and what experience the organization possesses in working with male clients.

Bear in mind that most RCCs only see clients living within their catchment areas, so that except in the biggest cities, you may not have much of a choice about which to consider.

 

SPECIALIZED AGENCIES FOR MALE VICTIMS

The good news is that these avoid a lot of the structural problems that attend RCCs. The bad news is that they are (i) exceptionally few; and (ii) invariably small-scale organizations. The biggest of them, and in many respects the template for others -- Survivors UK in London -- is criminally underfunded and has a hefty waiting list. Others are little more than one or two activists with an answering machine and a website, living from hand to mouth and all too likely to go abruptly out of business. If you're seeking one of these, expect to click on a lot of dead links.

Still, where they do exist, they're worth checking out. Unlike RCCs, they're less likely to be free to the client -- Mankind in south-east England, for example, charges on a sliding scale. In general, though, you're going to need to be unusually fortunate to have access to one of these services. We do recommend trying. The mere fact that you approached them for help, even if you don't wind up receiving it, is evidence that they can use to prove that the need exists and to press for better funding and resources in the future.

 

COLLEGE AND UNIVERSITY COUNSELLING

If you're in third-level education, your institution is likely to have some kind of student counselling service, provided at low or no cost. Some of the smaller schools arrange private practitioners, off campus, to deliver the service; larger ones usually maintain their own staff. Very big universities may even have peer-to-peer student counselling programs.

The advantages here are the facts that the resource will be either on-site or close by, and the cost is probably bundled with the price of tuition. Again, though, access difficulties can exist. If the counselling facility in question deals exclusively with sexual violence -- a good thing -- often it's physically located in the university's women's center. For a man to go there may not cause any problems; at other times or places, the atmosphere may be unwelcoming or even hostile, depending on the campus climate. Either way, though, it may be difficult for him to preserve his incognito. More generally, campus counselling often has long waiting lists, particularly at certain times of the year, around examination period.

Peer counselling can, paradoxically, be the most helpful for male college students who have experienced sexual violence. While the counsellors may not have a great deal of detailed knowledge of how it affects men in particular, their views on the topic may be more intersectional and less rigidly binary than one is apt to encounter at an RCC, and they can also be more empathetic and prepared to listen.

 

PRIVATE-PRACTICE THERAPISTS AND PSYCHIATRISTS

It's important to understand the difference. Psychiatrists are medical doctors; they've been through the same basic training as any other M.D. and can prescribe drugs. For that reason their services are the most expensive, although insurance may pick up all or some of the cost. In many continental European countries, psychiatrists are also psychotherapists: they do "talk therapy" as well as medical intervention. That's much less common in North America, where a psychiatrist will see you about a particular problem but is likely to want to pass you along to someone else.

In most countries the therapeutic field is entirely unregulated. Anyone can hang out a sign pronouncing themselves to be a "therapist" or "counsellor" and start seeing clients. Some subscribe to professional bodies that try to uphold some kind of minimum standards among practitioners, though a lot aren't particularly effective at policing their members. For these reasons, though, the very first thing you ought to talk about when you interview a therapist is about their qualifications and experience. Don't be afraid to pursue this line of inquiry head-on, with follow-up questions if you're not clear on anything. Apart from anything else, it's a useful screening test. No bona fide practitioner will resent such inquiries; quite the opposite. If your proposed therapist is evasive or shows signs of asperity about being asked, that's the reddest of red flags. Thank them politely for their time, and go elsewhere.

Therapists with training in the field of sexual violence aren't very numerous, though they can be found. Hardly any specialize in male sexual victimization. Of those who do, the majority have experience with child sexual assault only, because that's what men are more likely to disclose and the area in which the clinical literature is most highly developed. If you're an ASA (adult sexual assault) person, the best you may be able to hope for is an open-minded practitioner who is willing to learn on the job alongside you.

Your other chief possibility is a trauma therapist. TTs specialize in working with people who have undergone traumatic experiences, which can vary from exposure to combat to being involved in a road traffic accident (and innumerable other things—being an aid worker in a disaster-hit area; being a member of the emergency services, and so forth). They ought to have had some kind of postgraduate qualification in the field, and be working under a supervisor—take the absence of either of these as red flags. Surprisingly, TTs often know less about sexual trauma specifically than one would imagine. But any qualified TT ought to be able to help you at least with symptom management: controlling flashbacks and dissociative episodes; developing grounding techniques; integrating your experience of trauma with your daily routine.

 

ONLINE SUPPORT

For victims in the U.S., an organization called 1 in 6, which has recently extended its remit to male victims of all ages, is now running online support groups for men. These are held in the early evenings EST from Monday to Thursday, and at noon EST on Fridays. We haven't received any feedback on them as yet. But even though face-to-face therapy is always preferable, the online equivalent is a great deal better than nothing. We hope to see many more initiatives like this in the future.

 

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

Finding a professional who can help you -- which in large measure means showing you how to help yourself -- takes work, a lot of it. This is a marathon, not a sprint. The virtues of doggedness, persistence and a refusal to become downhearted or to throw in the towel are what make for success in the end.

No matter who you see -- an RCC counsellor, a college counsellor, a private therapist or some combination thereof -- you need to develop a level of trust with that person if the therapeutic encounter is to do any good. That's not built up in a single session. Give it a fair shot. Expect to be uncomfortable while you're doing it. The earliest stages of any such relationship are the hardest.

But if it's not working out, don't persist with the wrong person. That should be a decision you make in weeks, not months. If you don't feel that you can tell your counsellor or therapist anything without fazing them (even if you know it will take a long time before you can actually do so); if you can't query them on something they've said without their taking offense; if they try to cram your lived experience into their own preferred framework, regardless of what you know to be the case -- those are signs you need to be working with somebody else. Tell them you've decided to make a change. Once again, the analogy with dating applies fairly well. Needless to say, there ought never to be any kind of romantic relationship between you and your therapist. But just as you need to "click" with somebody in your personal life, to be able to speak the same language with them, you need to have a basic level of comfort with a therapist or counsellor also. If it's not there, that may not be their fault or yours. It simply means that, for whatever reason, a sound therapeutic relationship never managed to become established. When that happens, it's time to look elsewhere.

Hang in there. And remember the Golden Rule.


r/MenGetRapedToo Jun 30 '21

The "Good Rape Crisis Center Guide"—updated

87 Upvotes

As many users here will know, rape crisis centers (RCCs) are somewhat problematical for male victims of sexual violence. In some countries (Britain, Canada, New Zealand) it's legal for them not to provide services to men and boys at all, and many or most in those parts of the world exercise that option. Even where that's not the case, though, men's experiences at RCCs can be spotty at best.

In the hope of providing signposts to those RCCs that have a good record of dealing with male clients, we invite our users to give the names of those places that, from their own direct experience, they could recommend to others. If you wish, please write a sentence or two about what makes the place stand out for you. But if you don't want to do that, simply telling us the name is enough.

You ought not to mention the names of individual counsellors, both to protect their privacy and because there's a fair amount of staff turnover in this sector. And you shouldn't add the names of RCCs where you've had a bad experience (these will be removed by the mods). What's most useful to us all right now is knowing where to go, not where to avoid.


r/MenGetRapedToo 7h ago

It took me a while to admit what had happened.

7 Upvotes

TW: Childhood SA

When I was around 6-8, my mom was dating a guy, and he also had a son who was a teenager somewhere between 12-14. So, we ended up moving in with him, and his son. I became friends with his friends who were that age because I also liked to skate and play sports at that time, and I was a decent athlete so it helped to play with older kids to get better. One night a few of them stayed over our house. We were all messing around and rough house, and I always got targeted a bit because of how much smaller and younger I was. Well eventually they all got a hold of me and enticed me to put them in my mouth. All 3 of them kept taking turns.

I remember it in pieces, because I was so young. But i remember them laughing and I just remember wanting to try to impress them, and was willing to do whatever it took. I wanted to hang out with them because I wanted to be a part of the group, and I was never close with my own brother, so I tried to form that relationship with those kids being the younger brother. It happened a few times, and only with those same kids.

So after turning 21, I get into a relationship with a girl who was 3 years older. someone who had a very back and forth style attitude when it came to being together. Mostly I just had to listen to her because she always kept telling me how bad I was at things and made sure to remind me of all the things I did wrong.

She would wake my up constantly in the middle of the night when I had to be up at 6-7am after being up with her until 11 midnight. She’d watch me fall asleep then wake me up somewhere between 2-4 touching me, waking me up, and I’m barely able to keep my eyes open. I would say I’m tired and I can barely stay awake. She’d just climb on top of me and hold me down. Some times she’d just choke me so I had to wake up. Some times she would just hit me, and hurt me so I would end up waking up and just giving in so I could try and hurry and go back to
Bed.

If I kiss her the wrong way she would hurt me and make me start all over and try again and again to kiss her right. Which I didn’t even know someone could kiss wrong, I just always followed her lead.

One night, I refused when I had been up since about 4am, the day before, and it was getting to be close to midnight. She had drank too much, she tried to make a move, and I said not that night. She got really angry. Started calling me a lot of degrading names, and then asked if I was gay. Even when I refused she kept saying I had to be. So grabbed one of her dildos and then hit me a couple times and then pushed me onto the bed really hard. She wrestled me, and because I’m 5’3” and was about 120lbs at the time, she could just overpower me.

She was holding me down by the back of my neck, and sitting on my calf’s. She used her spit to lube it up and then proceeded to shove it into. I didn’t tell her to stop, but I didn’t want to do anything to make it hurt any worse, so I just laid there and let her. My feet went numb because she was cutting off the circulation with the weight. My neck was felt like it was being pinched really hard from the angle she was holding me down. It was hard to breathe because of that as well. After she was done, and got off me, I just laid there. I remember just using the bathroom, and I just laid silently until I fell asleep.

The next day, it almost felt like she was laughing about it, because she half apologized and straight up said, “It was basically like I raped you”. I didn’t really think of it like that, I just knew I didn’t like it and wanted it to stop. But I didn’t even think of it like that. It really wasn’t until I was telling stories to a former partner of mine not too long ago about bad experience and she had to tell me how it was rape. I felt so confused, because she went into every time she kept going, she was assaulting me.

I haven’t ever said the full versions out loud before. Only the minor details because it hurts too much to think about. I can barely even leave the house sometimes. I am constantly afraid something will happen again. I have such a hard relationship with sex and trust now. I feel not a lot of people around would care, nor feel sympathy for me. I just feel alone.


r/MenGetRapedToo 8h ago

I was sexually assulted multiple times throughout my childhood and it almost destroyed me

6 Upvotes

TW: Mentions of pedophilia, incest, rape, and SA

I (21M) was sexually assaulted multiple times by my peers throughout my childhood. I was raped (only once) at the age of six and groomed from the ages of 13-15. I remember at the time I got raped I was at a party hosted by a friend of my mother's and the friend's five year old daughter was in attendance. We played together for a little bit and she told me she wanted to play a game and we went inside a cupboard and she locked me inside, took off my pants and orally raped me.

I screamed and said no, but the girl still assulted me anyways. When the adults found us, me and my mom hurriedly rushed out of the party and I was grounded for letting the girl "sit on my lap" (when I confronted my mom about this years later she said since I didn't verbally tell her I was molested at the time she thought I was roughhousing with her). I also have high functioning autism and difficulty with communicating and it was much worse back then, so naturally because I was scared and unresponsive I was blamed for it.

Afterwards, over the years throughout my childhood I would kiss other girls because I wanted to replicate the feeling I felt when I got raped. I felt very curious about the bodies of other kids my age and I wanted to learn more about sex. I had my first kiss at the age of 8 with another girl my age, I also was forcibly kissed by multiple girls when I was 8-12 and one of these girls tried to get me to have sex with them too shortly after I hit 6th grade. But because I became afraid of girls when I was 12, I declined thankfully.

When I was 13 and in 7th grade my parents went through marital problems and I got bullied very harshly at school. It was because I was socially awkward, didn't attend church, poor and anxious around girls. Because I didn't develop sexual interest in girls when I hit puberty, the guys in my grade naturally sussed me out as being queer and they were right about it. One boy, who I used to have a crush on, ended up sticking his hand into my pants during history and I had enough and beat him up. Thankfully this time, I didn't get punished because I told on him and I transferred schools.

Shortly after this, my mostly absentee "father" tried to groom me into accepting sexual advances from him. Starting around 8th grade, he would try to purchase porn for me (which my parents said no to), would try fo talk to me about sex and what I was into, etc. multiple times until I was 15. I thought nothing of it until during the trip I saw him for the final time, I caught him licking and sniffing my underwear and eventually before I left he tried to touch me and I slapped his hand away. I reported him to the police but nothing was done about it and I told my mom and she never made me speak to him again and would never let him try to talk to me anymore.

Because of these experiences, I feel like I can never fully trust anyone. I feel deeply traumatized and depressed and several therapists have indicated I likely have PTSD. I tried to kill myself over these experiences, especially because I left my younger brother behind and I knew my "dad" would've molested him eventually when he went through puberty. I also resented my mom for awhile, and only forgave her a few months ago because I was tired of holding resentment towards her for unwittedly putting me in some of those situations. Thankfully, things at home gradually improved somewhat and I stopped getting badly bullied when I hit high school.

I feel like the main reason why I am still alive today is because I don't want all the people who abused me to win by helping me to my demise. I live so that way their efforts to drive me to ruin will fail, and I know that my abusers are digging their own graves. For ex. the guy who assulted me in 7th grade got a girl pregnant as a teenager and dropped out of high school and works menial jobs to care for his family. Now I have a boyfriend, I attend therapy and I take antidepressants to manage my mental health.

I also got into an amazing college on a full ride scholarship as a bio major. Right now I am also preparing to go abroad for awhile, and I am thinking about doing something related to public speaking or counseling to raise awareness about these issues. I read so many stories on this sub and my heart breaks for all of you, and while I know some parts of my life may not ever happen to people I just wanted to remind everyone that there is still a light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope everyone here recovers and I wish everyone all the success in the world. May you all find the light and happiness that has started to finally find me.

Tl;dr: Got raped and sexually assulted multiple times as a boy because of creeps who took advantage of my autism. I later tried to kill myself and I have very bad depression currently. However, I try not to let get me down and now I have a boyfriend and attend school on a decent scholarship.


r/MenGetRapedToo 16h ago

I dont know why or how to continue

7 Upvotes

Im just 19 and Ive seen what life has to offer - rape, grope, harassment, emotional abuse, infidelity, voyeurism, physical abuse, the world doesnt care or stop for me while im hurting.

People around me are busy being kids - playing games, asking questions. Meanwhile me? Wondering why was I raped at 9 or harassed at 17 18 19. Why wasnt I protected?

And then its "theres no satisfying answer" "he was a minor at the time so no prosecution" "emotional abuse isnt criminal" "you exposed his affair and you'll be out on the streets" "men in india arent protected from SH" "if you tell counsellor then they'll call your parents"

Now im 36kgs overweight cuz food is the only reliable comfort as humans have proved theyre trash. One backlog. No stable anchor in the world. No one to lean on. I get harassed on a daily basis from other classmates who deliberately target my chest and stomach. And ofc everyone knows how obese people are viewed.

I do have a vision for how Id like my life to be but the void and debt of care, love and safety left behind from the abuse wont stop hurting


r/MenGetRapedToo 15h ago

Não sei o que fazer, mas sei que daqui a umas 7 horas irei acordar me sentindo um bosta

3 Upvotes

Olá, boa madrugada a todos.

Para contextualizar, sofri abuso sexual quando criança pela minha prima mais velha, não irei entrar em detalhes, pois apenas isso já é o suficiente para eu me sentir mal, sujo, culpo e pecaminoso. Hoje tenho um GRANDE sentimento de culpa e tudo aquilo que foi dito ali atrás com tudo que tenha haver com sexo, como, se tocar, ver, ler e falar qualquer coisa sexual, outra coisa que tem me deixado bem mal desde o começo desse ano pra cá, é que sinto um prazer desconfortável e contragosto do abuso, não sei como superar, desde o começo do ano isso se intensificou muito, e cerca de 5 vezes esse ano, vim ao Reddit, relatei isso("tentando relembrar" do abuso), tive um pico de "prazer" lendo relatos parecidos com o meu, dormi, e acordei me sentindo UM LIXO HUMANO COMPLETO. Todos os dias depois do ocorrido, me senti imundo, e como se tivesse cometido um pecado.

Hoje, tenho certeza de que quando eu acordar de manhã, sentirei essa mesma sensação por ver e ler relatos assim, e sentir um "prazer" errado nisso.

Não sei como superar isso, todas as vezes tento ignorar e seguir, mas de novo volto pra cá, sei que isso é culpa minha por ceder e não se esforçar e largar essas coisas o suficiente.

Também gostaria de falar mais sobre superação, pois tem uma menina que eu gostei muito de ouvir o relato dela, porque ela sofreu abuso, e depois de 5 anos ela ainda não conseguia falar a palavra "abuso", porém depois de mais 3 anos, a garota deu outro relato dizendo como aquilo mudou e após anos de terapia e aceitação ela conseguiu fazer algo que considera o mais importante da superação. Não é esquecer, mas lidar, mesmo com gatilhos, aceitar que você não tem culpa.

Porém nao faço a menor ideia de como fazer isso.

Ps: perdão pela escrita confusa e desorganizada :}


r/MenGetRapedToo 1d ago

Joyeux anniversaire :(

11 Upvotes

Bien, dans à peu près un mois, cela fera deux ans que j'ai été violé. Je ne suis pas vraiment bien, en fait, je ne suis pas bien du tout.

Ma mère a disparu de la circulation aujourd'hui, on n'a aucune nouvelle, mes proches, qui sont d'habitude pépères, s'inquiètent aussi. Enfin, commencent à s'inquiéter. Je ne sais pas quoi faire, vraiment pas.

Et pour les plus curieux, voilà le contexte d'origine.

https://www.reddit.com/r/rape/comments/1rmezv9/mon_histoire_cest_un_peu_long/

Donc je fais une énorme crise de panique, et je suis très très très déclenché car je me sens exactement comme quand j'ai été violé. Je ne pas quoi faire. J'ai l'impression de vivre un cauchemar au réalisme terrifiant. Je n'en sors pas, en fait tous les deux ans je vis un trauma majeur, et cette fois-ci on dirait que je vais perdre ma mère. Pourquoi pas ma tante ? Pourquoi ? Je ne l'aime pas, ma tante.

Tout ça est si difficile. Je me demande si un jour je ne vais pas en finir.


r/MenGetRapedToo 4d ago

am i crazy???

14 Upvotes

so im 17m and something had just been bothering me about whether something mightve happened when i was younger in my sleep. fair warning i dont know if this'll make sense because of how fucked my memory is.

a little background, i have this older stepbrother (3 yrs older than me) who i used to look up to and saw as my brother but not anymore, he made me do things. at the time i think i was maybe 10-12, we were playing a game in our shared room, our parents weren't home, and we had played it all day because we had just gotten it. my older stepsister (2 yrs older than me) came up the stairs into our room to bother us and we were all talking, playing around and shit. until he said he wanted to stop playing, and i really didnt want to. so a little later after he said that, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. and so stupidly i followed him. when i was there, we were still talking for a bit until he gave me the ultimatum to basically suck his dick or i couldn't play on his PS4 or whatever. he was hard too, i think there and then when he asked. i tried to, i didnt know why he asked me to do it. i think i had him like 70-80% in my mouth. i felt weird about it. i was more worried about whether he'd piss in my mouth or not, voicing it to him. i had no concept of semen. he continued to reassure me that he wouldn't. because i felt weird about it. i didnt suck or anything cuz i didnt know what a fucking blowjob was. i probably felt like a heater for his dick. anyways after how much time past, he eventually let me continue playing. and then i left the bathroom and got back on the game. my sister was there still. i wasn't completely content though, i still had this weird feeling in my stomach. when he came back upstairs, the feeling only got worser. younger me ignored it though.

another time was when i had finished dinner and i went upstairs into my sisters room to hang out to find him like fully naked i think while jerking off. while my sister was on the floor watching some show i had gone in (had no clue what he was doing from how young i was) and i was curious about it, next thing you know hes teaching me how to do it. using lotion and all, her room had a specific smell id always remember like a musk, idk. the way he taught me how although.... i dont remember, either he had his hands on me or he was showing me visually what to do by me watching him. i dont think i could even get hard at the time either. i think my sister tried to help in that too, by maybe actually putting her hands on me. but yk of course it didnt work. it was like a "secretive" thing. so when it didn't work for me i had decided to watch the show with her too.

anyways yea that was all weird. funnily enough these two times wasn't my first rodeo. something smaller happened when i was even younger. and im also sure my brother did more things with me as well.

main topic/question about all this though:

the ones with my brother always happened at my mom's house. i dont live there anymore, neither does my brother and she doesnt live far from me. i just live with my grandparents now cuz of school busing and stuff. i do see her often so its not like shes neglectful.

i dont know if its because i used to be outside all the time on the block with the other kids and i always ran alot or physically exerted myself. but occasionally when i woke up in that house, my legs, ass or thighs were always sore. and which some times made it hard/hurt to walk and it would sometimes last for days. which is what younger me found strange, i vividly remember myself looking it up for why it was happening and the main one was "growing pains". so i had stuck with that as an excuse. but now that i think about it deeper, that pain only happened when i was younger and in that house, i never had something like that after or before that age. Or here at my grandparents, that never happened.

i also sometimes liked to sleep on the floor with blankets and shit under me, idk i found it fun. our stepdad always warns me that he could trip over me in the night when hes getting ready for work. i was very short for a kid at that age so even if he did, he'd hit my feet. and it wouldnt even hurt for that long. the room i slept in was next to our parents room but also the stairway to where my old shared room with my brother was.

even when i visit my mom in the present though, and i sleep on the floor (or most often now a blowup mattress), i never got that kind of pain again now that he was kicked out. im sure sleeping on the floor may cause that kind of soreness but i just really dont know and im out of what to even think about any of this

sorry for the grammar


r/MenGetRapedToo 5d ago

Why Do You Still Choose to Tell Your Story, Even Despite Buffers and Setbacks?

Thumbnail
5 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 6d ago

Is it sexual assault?

22 Upvotes

There’s thing that happen that Ive never felt comfortable about and idk if I should talk to someone cause idk if it’s considered sa.

When I was very little brothers friends brought me some where and pulled my pants down and starting beating my penis with sticks and stuff until it was bleeding. Ive felt like I need to talk to someone about this but idk what it would be considered since they didn’t have sexual intent.
When I was 8 my friend who watched porn regularly when I didn’t know what any of those stuff ment said I could play on his computer if I licked his penis or ass cheek. I went along with it. Im afraid to talk to people about it because if I tell people they’ll think I was doing stuff with him when I didn’t even know what it ment.


r/MenGetRapedToo 7d ago

Idk Can anyone guide me?

15 Upvotes

I'm a 22yo guy[Completely Straight Btw]. So when I was 9yo I had a friend who was 1 or 2 years older than me. we were like childhood friends and he visits my home every day and we used to play football and all. I used to invite him to sleepovers in my house and one time when I was asleep he just did some nasty things to me (tbh I don't clearly remember how it started in the first place,like when i had the first sexual encounter..) but yk children are very curious, like that I was definitely curious at that time like. ngl i was really interested in him doing nasty things to me and he introduced me to porn and we used to watch together and do the thing each other . My mom even walked in on us. and I decided to stop doing this and told my friend that I'm no longer interested and don't wanna talk about it ever again. And then he introduced me to a guy who was maybe 8,9 years older than me at that time and told him about our sexual encounters earlier to that guy

I even saw the big guy giving the sucky sucky to my friend.my friend also tried to convince me to blow him off another day. I even agreed to do it ( I never had interest in doing so) tbh I was really trying to get out of the mess that I made. It was so hard for me to say no at that time.

After that when me and my friend went to shop for groceries I saw him coming towards us with a smile on his face. He then lured us into a discrete place and told me the things we were about to do. I was so scared at that time and he grabbed my hand and made me touch his penis. Out of fear, my friend and i ran so hard to my home. If we stood there for longer we would have been manipulated and raped. That day i told my brother that the guy was genuinely evil(didn't disclose about what happened ) I was ashamed to tell because it was homo i thought they would judge me. Also i recently started having these memories starting to resurface after 10+ years idk why that happens

If we stood there for longer we would have been manipulated and raped, Also my cousin brother tried to stick his hands into my shorts while I'm asleep

I'm so confused rn


r/MenGetRapedToo 8d ago

Don’t know where else to ask

7 Upvotes

When I was around 13 years old I had a girlfriend around the same age.

Then one day she was like very sexual with me and really wanted to have sex. I didn’t want to and she kinda forced me to go along with it. I was really easily forced to do stuff because I didn’t want people to think less of me so yeah. You could call me a ”pussy” hahah

I didn’t want to do it but she wouldn’t take no for an answer and like guilt tripped me. Even during I said it hurt but she didn’t really care

I’ve thought about this for years but haven’t really said it to people for years except my friend who said it sounds like SA but idk


r/MenGetRapedToo 8d ago

How to get over the guilt of certain things you’re into due direct response to what happened to you

15 Upvotes

Basically as the title said I have a huge amount of guilt of some of the stuff I’m into sexually, because they’re what happened to me.

Basically when I was 9 I was sexually assaulted (one of the times I was) and some of the stuff that, the person did to me I’m now into and I feel insanely guilty and like in a sense that with what he did to me that after all of that he won in a sense as that what he did to me I now like.

The thing is it’s some of things I like are quite common, but it’s the fact of how and why I like them that makes me feel disappointed and disgusted in myself.

Basically I wanted to make this post just to seek any support or other people that relate to it so I hopefully don’t feel alone.

(Sorry if this doesn’t make sense or anything I’m really struggling writing this)


r/MenGetRapedToo 8d ago

What (and/or When) Was the Breaking Point of It All?

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1 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 9d ago

I may have been drugged by my ex wife’s friend

19 Upvotes

I remember being on my way to a nightclub for reggae night with what is now my ex-wife. I have no memory of actually being at the club. My next memory isn’t until I wake up next to my ex-wife’s friend. Her bedroom was upstairs, but for some reason we were on the foldout bed of the couch in their living room. I don’t remember if I was fully naked or just in my underwear, but I woke up not having any idea where I was.

My girlfriend‘s friend was laying right next to me and she looked like she was fully awake the whole time. Ill never forget the way she was postioned, on her side with are supporting her head. I stand up and have to piss. I remember trying to get to her bathroom, but there was no way I was gonna make it. I literally pissed in her trash can in her kitchen.

This is a person that I had shot down at least twice in the past with one exception, I was willing to have a threesome with my ex her, but my ex got upset so that never happened. I’m not sure if I was physically raped because I’m not sure if I ever got hard, the one thing I’m sure of is that she would’ve absolutely tried.

What i think bothered me most is that I believe my ex-wife was part of this, when I finally got home, she didn’t question anything.

I’ve messed around with women while blacked out from alcohol before. One time I made out on a dance floor with a coworker on my birthday without remembering anything that happened for like two days, but I did eventually remember. There was another time where I blocked out on a first date and I somehow ended up receiving a BJ that I didn’t remember until the following morning.

The difference is not only did these other 2 women have no ideas i was blacked out, but I had served myself the alcohol I know for sure. Also, the gaps in memory are much smaller. I have no idea if my ex‘s friend had drugged me or not, I just know it was different from these other two times I made out with a woman blacked out


r/MenGetRapedToo 10d ago

Desahogo

9 Upvotes

Hola, soy de México y esto nunca lo he contado a nadie, no recuerdo a qué edad sucedió pero solo se que fue cuando iba en la primaria, mi papá nos abandono cuando nací y mi padrastro se encargaba de mi los fines de semana y ahí abusaba de mi, me engañaba y me hacía ver el abuso como amor, me lo hacía parecer normal y me decía que al igual que con mi mamá el me trataba igual porque me amaba pero que no debía decir nada, fueron casi dos años así, aunque había temporadas que no lo hacía, pero siempre volvía, un día tuvo una pelea muy fuerte con mi mamá y se separaron desde entonces solo lo he visto de lejos pocas veces y me aterra, aunque se fue el daño que me hizo nunca se podrá reparar, creci siendo un niño inseguro y temeroso, sufrí de bullying y nunca he tenido novia, me drogaba y aunque mi mamá siempre me apoyaba nunca le pude decir nada ya que para ella siempre fui un hombre seguro y fuerte y no queria arruinarlo, le ocultaba demasiadas cosas y lo peor es que siempre me sentí culpable ya que soy gay y de alguna manera el me hacía ver qué eso estaba bien, he ido al psicólogo y psiquiatra pero solo trato otros problemas que tengo y solo tocó el tema de forma muy superficial ya que me da miedo contar todo, espero me entiendan


r/MenGetRapedToo 10d ago

Either I have blocked memories or I'm making it all up

4 Upvotes

I just don't know anymore man. I have all the telltale signs that I was assaulted as a child but I don't remember a thing and nobody around me seems to either. There's no evidence other than the fact that I react with anger, panic attacks, extreme unease and even age regression when I'm presented with anything sexual. Anything. Even if it's just a joke, which is fucked because a good chunk of my humour consists of dirty jokes so I don't even know what my own brain wants from me. It'll just trigger at random so I never know what joke is okay to tell and receive until it's already happened and I'm either laughing or crying. And since I have no memory, I don't get flashbacks per se but waves of feelings and dread like someone's hovering over me or touching me, and it's always in the exact same places. I only have a couple leads on if I actually got assaulted and that's the age I typically regress to which I've determined to be nine and the year 2017, which has always stuck in my mind in a weird way (weird way as in I'll see something made then and think "oh, THAT year" in neither a positive or negative way, just a weird "this year matters in my head for some reason" kind of way) until I remembered that I was nine in 2017, so that's a couple dots I thought were irrelevant connected. And honestly I wouldn't be surprised if I'd blocked anything out. I have a notoriously weak memory and often days, weeks, months will get deleted from my memory like they were nothing, and I'll have derealization episodes.

Another hint I have is that I feel especially intimidated by women, but I can't use that to prove anything and it's more of a gut feeling of "you look and speak too innocently, you're going to hurt me aren't you?" and I don't really get the same feeling with other men. Again though, that can't be tied to anything and ultimately is not evidence of anything.

I'm just tired. If something did happen and my brain decided it was so bad it had to be blocked out then ultimately I trust it's judgement and I don't wish to remember anything. I just wish I could ask my brain and get a yes or no answer and not feel like I'm trying to uncover a mystery but I don't even know if there is a mystery to be uncovered in the first place. I might just be traumatising myself for no real reason. But these responses can't have just come out of nowhere right?? Aghhh it's so frustrating!!!!! Sorry for the huge unorganised vent, I just need some outside perspective on this so I don't go crazy


r/MenGetRapedToo 11d ago

Mutual friends being shitty

23 Upvotes

Got sexually assaulted by my male best friend last Fourth of July while blackout drunk. Was with an older mutual female friend who quite literally saw me regress (fetal position, crying that I wanted my mom who was 200 miles away). I’ve been friends with her lately after a rocky relationship, but she posted him on her story with other friends yesterday.

This has been the absolute worst experience of my life, he is part of why I uprooted my life and moved 2 hours away. We worked together, and everybody loved him, so I gave up and and rather leave it all behind to not have to see him. So to have people I considered friends take his side, or to ‘ignore’ the situation altogether makes me feel so much anger. If I was a girl and my male best friend SAed me, it’d be taken a lot differently. My female friend even said that I ‘led him on’. Another friend has tried to engage with me and hang out, but I’ve consistently politely rejected her due to her still being good friends with him after knowing about the situation.

It’s not that I want pity or sympathy, but there’s a huge difference in how I’m treated based on being assaulted as a male by a gay male. He was funny and extroverted and everybody loved him, these people would rather stay friends with him than address anything shitty about him.


r/MenGetRapedToo 10d ago

My Life As A Survivor

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6 Upvotes

I just saw this post in my community of male survivors, and I am really impressed by the guy who posted it! He’s gone through a lot of rough times, but he still has the strength to stay and even generously give to others! If you’re ever feeling hopeless or in need of inspiration, I suggest you read his post, which proves that despite a rough past, you can always strive for a better future. Stay safe, happy, and healthy, brothers! I will always be rooting for you and encouraging your healing!


r/MenGetRapedToo 12d ago

Blackmailed into having sex during an affair

22 Upvotes

A very long story cut very short. I had an affair around 18 months ago. I regretted it, but the other person was very invested in the affair. I repeatedly told her I couldn't continue the sexual aspect of the affair. She continually forced a narritive that I had to carry on and hinted at telling my wife or work of I didn't carry on. She then told me she tested positive for HPV and threatened to accuse me of sexual assault if I didn't carry on having sex with her. The second to last time I saw her she shouted 'if you can't show me you care for me by fucking me, I'm going to have to ruin your life'. It broke me. The last time I had sex with her I lost my erection. She continued to jerk my flacid state telling me I still had to fuck her. I hate it, I hated myself. I was humiliated. And this was after I had told her I was having dark thoughts about taking my own life. I didn't have an erection for over 2 months afterwards. I felt destroyed. It wasn't long after this I had to tell my wife everything. It's been a really tough year trying to make thinga better with my wife and family. But I still can't shake what the other woman did to me and the threats she made. Not only is it humiliating, but I live in constant fear of whether she really is going to still try to further ruin my life.

I think I just needed to vent, or maybe just need some validation for how I feel. Any advice from anyone who found themselves in a similar situation would be hugely appreciated.


r/MenGetRapedToo 11d ago

What Has Prevented You From Coming Out?

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4 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 12d ago

i just need to vent my lack of memories

12 Upvotes

i just need to vent my lack of memories and my developed akward fears and obsessions post trauma.

I don't have a clear memory of my first SA. I just know it happened bc I knew things at 6-9 that no kid should know. I had "games" with a neighbor who was a couple years older, maybe 9-12. I think he started it, but I'm not sure. I am pretty sure he wasn't my first tho.

Sometimes I get dreams or flashes of someone much older (maybe a cousin or some relative) gripping my ankles tight while it happened. I call them my "imaginary memories" bc I'm not even sure if they're real or if I just made them up to fill the gaps. Vaguely, I "remember" cracking my ankles right after it was over. That habit stayed. Even now as an adult, I crack my ankles after sex. Like an orgasm after the orgasm. Idk how to explain it, but I think it's like when ppl have a cigarette after sex (it feels the same way to me, idk cuz i don't smoke) it's just a weird habit I got. not sure about the root of it. I also like watching cracking videos, not in a weird sexual way, but as a relief ASMR soothing sound.

Another thing. I obsessively read erotic stories about ppl experiencing their first time with violence. Since I don't have my own memories, I feel like I have to fill in the blanks somehow. I don't think I enjoy violence itself. I'm just trying to understand something I can't remember about myself. Those stories feel more like I'm searching for missing memories than getting pleasure from someone else's suffering. maybe I'm just reenacting my own trauma through stories. I feel empathy for real stories though. I distinguish reality from fiction. I only read manga and erotica.

Also, in my teens I was terrified of blood, not my own, but other people's. Seeing cuts or accidents was terrifying to me, kinda like a phobia. But during rough "consensual" sex, I've kinda felt some gratification when I used to see blood on my parts (I'm always the bttm). That one's weird to admit. I just don't know. Must of the time i feel like a weirdo, and most of the time i feel it's unfair not having any memories of what really happened. I know it's so kind of unconscious protection from the mind. But even if it was terrible, I'd like to know what happened. I'll never will

I'm in therapy, and it's helped me a lot. I still find it confusing that my brain can associate fictional pain with arousal, but I would never want to hurt anyone in real life.

i just don't know. this is my first time venting about any of this. Even writing it feels kinda empty, but somehow relieving like cracking my ankles

Am I weird?

has anyone else developed weird habits/fears/thoughts/obsessions like this too?


r/MenGetRapedToo 15d ago

What would I call this?

29 Upvotes

I’m a 21-year-old guy. I’m fairly well-built, have a beard, and don’t have any feminine features, so I’ve never really thought something like this would happen to me. But I’ve had two incidents over the last year that I still don’t know how to process or even categorize.

The first happened around April 2025. I was walking from my college to meet some friends at a café, only about 100 meters away from campus, when a guy in a Thar, probably in his late 50s, stopped and asked me for directions. He was a Sikh gentleman and seemed completely normal. He then asked if I was headed in the same direction and offered me a ride. I didn’t feel threatened at all, so I thought, “Why not?”

At first, the conversation was completely normal. He asked about college, what I was studying, and the usual things. Then, out of nowhere, he started asking about my dating life. It caught me off guard, but I brushed it off, thinking maybe he was just trying to connect with someone younger.

A few minutes later, he started asking about my sex life. I was completely shocked and honestly froze. Then he pulled into a parking area on the main road, locked the doors, and my brain just… stopped working. I wasn’t thinking clearly at all.

While talking to me, he started touching himself over his clothes. I could clearly tell what he was doing. Then he grabbed my hand and wouldn’t let go for what felt like a couple of minutes. Eventually, he dropped me off at a nearby junction like nothing had happened. I just stood there trying to understand what I’d experienced.

The second incident happened this past weekend. I’m currently in another city for my internship, and after it had rained, a guy on a scooter offered me a lift. Again, I didn’t think much of it. We started with normal conversation. He looked to be in his mid-20s and mentioned that he worked at a spa. I know what stereotypes people have, but I didn’t want to judge someone just because of their job.

Somehow the conversation turned into him talking about sexual services and the kinds of clients he’d had. I honestly don’t even know how we got onto that topic. I was just sitting there trying to process what he was saying. Then, while riding, he took one hand off the scooter and tried to touch my groin. I shifted away from him as much as I could without falling off.

When we reached my destination, even after I told him I was good, he insisted on exchanging numbers. He gave himself a missed call from my phone, did something that made me really uncomfortable when we shook hands, and left. Today he texted me “hey,” and I immediately blocked him.

The part that’s bothering me the most is that in both situations I completely froze. I always thought that if someone crossed a line with me, I’d push them away, yell, or fight back. Instead, I just… couldn’t react. It’s frustrating because I always thought of myself as someone who would handle situations like that differently.

Has anyone else, especially other guys, experienced something similar? Did you also freeze instead of reacting? And am I overthinking this, or is this a normal response? Please don’t just say, “You should’ve jumped out of the scooter” or “You should’ve punched the old guy.” Looking back, those things seem obvious, but in the moment my brain just shut down.

P.s I used AI to rewrite it soo that reddit moderation does not remove it before hand