It's been almost 30 days since my layoff, and somehow it's finally hitting me. When it first happened, I went straight into survival mode. I updated my resume, started applying immediately, reached out to my network, and honestly believed I'd be back to work pretty quickly.
Now, I feel like I've hit a wall.
My household has completely changed how we spend money, how we grocery shop, what we eat, and what we say no to. Opening the fridge and seeing it so empty compared to what our normal used to be has become this constant reminder that life doesn't feel like my life anymore.
The rejection emails don't even surprise me anymore. I'm getting rejected from jobs I'm overqualified for. I'm getting rejected from part-time jobs. I've done recruiter screens, multiple interviews, and even full panel presentations, only to never hear another word. Sometimes this whole process feels less like interviewing and more like a humiliation ritual.
What hurts the most is that I didn't lose my job because I wasn't good at it. I was recruited into a startup, left a stable position, and only four months later they laid off a huge portion of the company. My entire life changed because of a business decision that had absolutely nothing to do with my performance.
I've cried more over the last couple of days than I did when I was actually laid off. It's like my brain finally caught up to what happened. Every rejection chips away at my confidence a little more. Every interview that goes nowhere makes me question myself, even though I know this job market is incredibly difficult.
And my ego...I didn't realize how much of my identity was wrapped up in my career until this happened. Having to swallow your pride, apply for jobs you know you're qualified for, apply for jobs below your experience level, and still get rejected over and over again is incredibly humbling in the worst possible way.
People keep saying, "It'll get better."
I know they're trying to help, and I appreciate that. But unless you've actually gone through something like this, those words can feel so empty. Sometimes I don't need someone to tell me it'll all work out. Sometimes I just need someone to acknowledge that this really, really sucks.
I've also learned a lot about people. Some of the people I thought would check in haven't. Meanwhile, people I never expected to hear from have been the ones asking how I'm doing. It's been eye-opening in ways I never expected.
A few years ago during COVID, I had to rebuild my entire life from scratch after losing everything financially. I worked so hard to create stability again, and this layoff has reopened fears I thought I'd buried years ago.
If there's one positive thing that's come from this, it's that it's completely changed how I look at life.
I've realized that no matter how hard you work or how valuable you are, you're ultimately disposable to a company. That's a hard truth to accept when you've spent years tying your identity to your career.
It's also changed the way I look at money. Now I even more-so question everything, and every purchase. I have also been a huge saver and I honestly don't think I'll ever go back to the same spending habits I had before this experience.
I've even found it harder to relate to some friends who are in a much more financially secure position. Not because I'm bitter or don't want good things for them, but because this experience has made me hyper-aware of how quickly stability can disappear. Things that used to seem like harmless purchases or everyday luxuries now make me think, "What if everything changed tomorrow?". And watching people spend money so carelessly does sting.
I know this feeling won't last forever. I know I'll work again, I have to. I know this season will eventually become part of my story instead of my reality.
But right now? Right now I feel helpless. Angry. Embarrassed. Like a failure, even though I know a layoff isn't a reflection of who I am.
Right now I feel like a stranger in my own life.
If you've made it through this, or if you're in the middle of it too, I'd genuinely love to hear your story. I think I just need to know that this feeling is normal and that one day I'll look back on this version of myself with compassion instead of disappointment.
***Quick disclaimer before anyone suggests it: I've already filed for unemployment. I'm applying for jobs every single day, sometimes every hour. I'm tailoring my resume, networking, interviewing, and doing everything people tell you to do. I'm not really looking for job search advice right now. I think I just need to know I'm not the only one who's felt this way.