According to her, my healthy 2 month old baby isn’t getting the right nutrition from me. I know back in the day babies got fed knockout bottles with cereal, Tylenol, milk, baby food, oatmeal, whatever they felt like putting in it. She never just shuts up about me breastfeeding and constantly saying I should be doing rice cereal with breastmilk in a bottle instead of nursing. She says my baby’s doctor (who’s very old) is totally wrong and he needs to go back to school. Anytime my baby fusses she says it’s bc I’m not doing cereal in the milk. She’s analyzing her poop saying it’s too runny it should be solid. She’s telling me my baby doesn’t need reflux meds and she’s over eating by nursing every 1.5-2 hours. I’m literally almost yanking the crying baby out of her arms. Like what the hell is wrong with her?? Not to mention I heard her telling people that my baby does nothing but cry.

I got engaged a couple of weeks ago. The proposal was in front of his parents. I told him that I needed time to think, but his parents were looking at us with their phone camera on, so I had to say yes. I felt like I had to.

What bothers me is that he is 40 years old, yet never lived on his own. He lived in his small childhood bedroom that is 75 square feet until he was 35. After that they renovated the floor that his grandmother used to live in, so it would be his "apartment".

At the beginning he made me believe that he has boundaries and he basically has his own "apartment" and his parents do not visit him, etc.

After 1,5 years I understand that he is a mother-enmeshed man. I tried breaking up with him 3-4 times, but we got back together.

He has very strict routine with his mom:
- Every day he and his mother walk the dog together exactly at 8 pm. When it is time to walk the dog, it is the cue for me to go home.
- He never hangs out at my apartment.
- Before work, his mother makes him breakfast every day. On weekends when I stay at his place, I must get yp at 8 am to have breakfast with his parents. He gets very nervous if I would be late.
- He sleeps in pyjamas that his mother buys him.
- He does grocery shopping with his mother exactly at 9 am on Saturdays.
- He never introduced me to any friend. It seems like he has no friends.
- He has hundreds of photos of his mom and the dog on his phone.
- I must have lunch at their home exactly at 13:30 every weekend.
- He never makes any decision without consulting his mother. If we are alone with him, he looks at me and waits until I make decision.
- He never lived together with a woman. He was single for 5 years before meeting me.
- He plays video games during evenings, and his mom is kinda against it.
- His mother sometimes visits his "apartment" downstairs to share a glass of whiskey.
- He comes home immediately after work and almost never goes out.
- He traveled only with his parents.

On two different occasions lately, I felt resentful towards him.

First, his mother cooks every day. At first I suggested helping like 10 times. She said that the kitchen is too small and there is no need to help. I stopped suggesting help.
On Saturday, I came to his place at 1:15 pm (15 minutes before lunch). I hiked the entire morning and was tired. He told me 4 times, you should go upstairs and suggest to help. He sounded annoyed. I asked "what happened?". He didn't say anything. Probably something happened while he was grocery shopping with his mom.
1 day before that, he said that he will cook steaks for lunch on Saturday. I was looking forward to it. But suddenly he says that his mother is making pulled pork. I told him that I do not eat pulled pork and left. I really do not tolerate the smell of pulled pork.
Later he said that he discussed with his mother about cookins steaks, and his mom said that she will buy steak pan from her friend another day and he can cook steak after that.

On Monday, after work, I visited his place. He told me his mom is mad because I didn't tell beforehand that I won't come to lunch and she was "slaving" herself off by cooking for us. He had to lie to her that I went to friend's birthday or something. I went to say hi to her and she was giving the silent treatment. A day later, she baked my favorite cake when I came to visit.

I don't feel like I need to adjust my behavior and walk on eggshells to avoid disturbing other people's mothers.

Another example is that we were thinking of going on vacation together. His mom said that it is better to go with a tour operator. I told him 10 times that I will not go with a tour operator, because it is more fun to plan the vacation. Also, his mother told him to choose an all-inclusive hotel. I told him I will be very bored in an all-inclusive hotel. He just wouldn't understand and keeps telling me again and again the same thing, to persuade me.

He asked me why I am acting weird and being resentful towards him. I told him that I resent him for never trying to live independently in his 40 years of live. That I wouldn't trust my life to a partner who never made his own decision. He just says something like economic crisis, recession, etc. and everybody from his generation lives like him.

He says that now the smartest thing is for me to move in to his house, and in 5-6 years we'll save enough money for a mortgage deposit. But he has zero savings and only debt. He and his family keep doing unnecessary renovations in their house, such as an outside kitchen with roof that nobody uses, etc. He will just keep investing in that house.

Anyways, how to break up with him and not be back together

I’m a widow with two children (6 and 7). My husband died a few years ago after a long illness. During those years I was raising two young kids while helping care for him. After he died, I spent years just surviving. But lately, for the first time, I finally feel like I’m genuinely enjoying being a mom. I’m seeing there is hope for a bright future for all of us.

The conflict is with my late husband’s parents, specifically his mother (FIL just enables MIL). During my husband’s illness, they were…difficult. We usually had to ask them for help instead of them offering, they often stressed my husband out when they did help and although they could have moved closer, they chose not to, knowing their son had a limited time to live.

After he died, things changed. They tried to buy a house down the street from me because they were worried about losing access to my kids (I told them I wasn’t comfortable with that so they found a house a few neighborhoods away instead). They’ve wanted to be much more involved than they were before.

They are not excluded from our lives. They’re invited to birthdays, sports, school events, and occasional holidays and have maybe monthly? 1:1 time when it works for me. They see my kids regularly because of the amount of activities they are in. The issue is that they want even more 1:1 time (specifically without me there) and over the past couple of years I’ve pulled back because I find the relationship emotionally exhausting.

Some examples:
-My mother-in-law repeatedly tells me how often she “needs” to see my kids, even hours after my husband died (minimum once a week with monthly sleepovers was her demand)
-She constantly compares my kids to my late husband as a child.
-She has accidentally called my youngest by the name of the baby daughter she lost over 40 years ago (yes she has lost 2 children, 1 is remaining and lives close by with no kids).
-At family gatherings, games or events, they often monopolize my kids’ attention, seem competitive with my parents, and almost every visit ends with another request to see them again. It’s like it is never enough.
-They frequently compare my relationship with my own parents to theirs, telling me I need to give equal access, despite my parents having been incredibly supportive during my husband’s illness and after his death. My parents spend time WITH me and my kids and never demand to have my kids without me there. They offer to make us dinner, take us out to do fun things together, etc when that has never be done by my MIL.
-They have told me they are afraid of me moving on and finding someone else.
-I have been in therapy for years over this loss (and frankly to discuss how to deal with my in laws) while they refuse to go to therapy for themselves.

I know I have my own baggage too. Losing my husband while raising young kids changed me. I’m protective of our time because this is the first season of motherhood that has actually felt peaceful and joyful. And frankly, I am resentful of my in-laws because of how stressful and selfish they were during my husband’s illness and the pressure they constantly put on me.

I don’t think my in-laws are bad people. My kids love them. I think they’re grieving parents who love my kids and see them as their only connection to the son they lost. But my mother-in-law has very few relationships outside of family, very little to do except sit at home watching TV and my sister-in-law also has a strained relationship with her.

We recently had a 3 week vacation. We didn’t communicate with them while we were gone, although they saw our photos on social media. The biggest emotion I felt was relief. Not because I wanted to keep my kids from them, but because I wasn’t managing anyone else’s emotions or bracing for the next request to see the kids. My MIL texted as soon as we got back (they asked my parents for our vacation schedule so they could have it in their own calendar), “When can we see them?”

So I’m asking honestly:** **Am I being unfair by limiting the relationship mostly to family events or are these reasonable boundaries given the history? How would you handle this because I am so tired of the space it’s taken up in my head.

My mil insists that I should not be given MY baby back when he’s crying bc he “needs to learn how to be comforted by other people” aka her. He is 4 months!!!!! He needs his mama! (Yes, I walked right up and rightfully grabbed my boy back.)

My inlaws have always been overbearing but thankfully we lived a few hours away so we only ever saw them in short doses. Since I've had my first child things have escalated. I was in labor for several days and the experience was traumatic. As soon as they found out the baby was here they said they had already booked a hotel and would be coming to see us in the hospital that day. In the hospital MIL declared that my baby needed something. When I said he was fine (we were following what the nurses advised) she accused me of putting my needs ahead of my child's. When we told them we wanted to spend my husband's short paternity leave as a family of 3 they refused to listen and repeatedly told (not asked) us they were coming to visit. On two occasions they came despite having a cold.

When my baby was a few months old we moved 30 minutes away from them. As expected, things have only gotten worse. They complained that our new house wasn't clean enough and they "couldn't believe" we would let a child live there. There is constant unsolicited advice and no matter how politely I try to explain that health advice has changed, that we've decided to do things differently, etc I am accused of being rude and shutting my MIL down. She's claimed I've said she doesn't know what she's talking about and she's wrong about everything, which has never happened. They regularly turn up to events in our town that we had planned to attend as a nuclear family. We've even run into them when out shopping despite the fact that they don't live nearby and never spent time in the area before we moved here.

At one point they came to our house uninvited. When we said it wasn't a good time because we were trying to get the baby to bed they said they were "disgusted" with us. Since then they repeatedly ask to take our baby alone for the entire day. We allowed it once, but they tried to get him in the car without even saying hello to us. When we stopped them and told him about his nap and feeding schedule they instantly pushed back. When they brought him home they proudly said he'd been up for 8 hours and hadn't needed to sleep.

At a recent family event MIL took our son out of my husband's arms twice without asking and walked off with him. She thought it was her place to introduce our child to close family members and loudly told us we "weren't allowed" to do certain things with our baby.

We've obviously started to pull back from them and limit access to our son but this has just caused them to decide I am the problem. They've accused me of not allowing my husband to spend time with them. If he sees them without me, even for a quick 5 min visit to drop something off, they say I don't like them because I didn't come along. They've started nitpicking everything I do, and after every visit they have a complaint about how I've offended them. For example, my mother visited and I teased her about something that is an inside joke between us. They said it was a dig directed at them. When my husband asked how they came to that conclusion they said I "looked in their direction and smiled". They've even complained that it's insensitive to them that my parents, who live overseas and have only visited once, got to stay with us for a few days.

This has culminated in my MIL having a massive rant about me to my husband a few weeks ago. She said a lot of hurtful and untrue things about me, even accusing me of not treating my own parents well (their response is that she needs to mind her own business). When my husband made it clear we are a united front she stormed off and continued her ranting to an empty room. She also said that he should not need boundaries with his family.

After all this they are still asking to come and see my child. I'm baffled. They really seem to think they are entitled to access to him, or that they can have a relationship with a baby that doesn't involve its parents. I don't really know what I hope to get from this post. I'm just exhausted from dealing with this and am angry that this is taking time and energy away from my son.

We've had peace from JNMIL since our son's wedding 6 weeks ago. We had been NC for several months but decided to be gracious in person toward her at our sons wedding for his sake. DH and I went back to NC after the wedding and she didn't send any more messages. (Please read past posts for context.) So it was a bit baffling to both of us when DH received the following email from her tonight. I'd like any insight others might have.

She wrote:

Subject: Second chance - that I blew so hugely awfully

I was so nervous and apprehensive about seeing you and OP again. I had no idea what to expect. Whether you would even speak to me. And then I got such a wonderful welcome from both of you. I was overwhelmed. I knew I would only know your family. With that welcome somehow my mouth started moving and I couldn't stop it and I said awful, upsetting things and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't seem to find correct kind words.

I'm so sorry. I don't seem to know how to communicate any more. if I ever did. I was so ashamed of myself that I went and sat down and eventually I just went back to my motel.

I really am asking for another chance.

I remember reading some years ago about communicating feelings. It was in an article but I have not been able to find it. But it went something like this:

" When you said _______________ It made me feel like _______________.

Is that what you meant?

Or did I misunderstand?"

I really would like the opportunity to speak with you and OP.

I really would like to opportunity to talk with you OP ...woman to woman, mother to mother, but especially Christian woman to Christian woman. Maybe one day we can make peace as God wants us to.

PS I am sending some you a gift but I thought you may have moved after your son got married so I will send them to your other son and ask him to give them to you.

I love you both very much

Mom

Well my MIL is def overbearing. She likes to control everything. And is very judgmental. So much so that she feels the need to comment on my pregnant eating. It got out of hand. But moving past this, when we told parents we are expecting, MIL says out loud “I better not be left out of anything, ya know the mother of the husband always gets left out.” My mom is such a sweetheart and is like you won’t be. Cool. Moving along, my mom, MIL and two sisters want to throw my baby shower. MIL gets upset she isn’t asked or told about a date they threw around. Another “I don’t wanna be left out” pity party, they didn’t solidify anything. Then I get shit for telling her this and making her feel sad by husband’s brother. Wte. Talked to my mom and sister to smooth things over. They do. MIL has said that this shower isn’t up to me since I’m not hosting. The theme is what the nursery is (I won’t be having a themed nursery), told her that when I planned two showers I asked mother to be for their input. It was about them. Not me. She looked like I had two heads and stopped paying attention. Rude. Fast forward to two days ago, Mom and MIL meet for lunch to talk about baby shower planning. Mom said it went great and they’re going to check a banquet hall next day. I look at menu and of course it’s your typical garbage banquet food. I complained to mom on her way to this banquet hall and said I don’t want that food and hate it. Always have. I text dad (who was with them) that they shouldn’t make any decisions. He texts back, “too late they’re booking.” I’m livid. Him and I are on the phone, I’m just like why did they not consider me? Oh and no booze booked either. So annoying. Dry showers are boring. It is what it is. Anyways, since he’s with them, he tells them I’m upset and don’t want my shower there. I have given them ideas of places. But they did not listen to me. They didn’t even reach out to said places and talk to anyone. They booked the first place they went to. No hesitation. Come to find out MIL didn’t care about my food preferences. Made it about her. And here she is backing out hours later cuz she didn’t get her way. My own mother is dumb and goes along with MIL cuz she’s afraid to make her mad or cause a riff with her. I’m already dreading bringing up her grand child cuz that’s what it is. First baby on their side. She’s gunna want to dictate everything. I’m ready to pull my hair. Bad day overall but seriously, who plans a party and doesn’t get input from the mother to be???
Thank you for reading this far. There’s so much more to this conundrum. Have to cut short.

My JNMIL is seriously JNMILing at the moment, and I'm in need of some levity.

What is the most ridiculous thing that your JNMIL has taken issue with?

Mine is currently FURIOUS. The reason?

My 3yo son says please, thank you, you're welcome, excuse me, etc.

She says that I 'shouldn't be teaching him that nonsense so young'.

What kind of grandmother gets annoyed because her grandson's manners are *too good*?

My MIL has a standing weekly visit to see our kids on Fridays. We gave up over a year ago on her being consistent enough for us to be able to plan to get anything done when she is here because we never know if she is actually going to come over or for how long. We recently had our second baby and since then she has been even more inconsistent. When she does come over she is usually late and makes a point to either shove in our face she is late because she was with her other son (who mind you lives next door to her and she sees almost every day and he does not have any children) or she doesn't even bother to come up with an excuse. The last two weeks she has cancelled on us and then for this week she had the audacity to ask if I would switch my dad's typical visit day with hers because it worked better for her. I told her we wouldn't be doing that because it is really unfair to my dad who has been consistent with his visits and he also helps my brother on Fridays so he wouldn't be able to switch. Did I mention she does not work and has 0 responsibilities? Now I personally am like great I hope you can never come over again I don't particularly enjoy your company, but it really hurts my husband and it sucks to know she doesn't care about seeing my kids. It's also sad because one of my BIL has a child who he sees weekly through DCF and his mommy needs to drive him because he doesn't have a license...do you think she has ever missed one of those visits? Nope. I'm sick of these tactics she uses to make my husband feel like shit and I'm sick of her using my kids as pawns for her mind games. Really just needed to vent about this because until my husband feels the time is right we can't go no contact. We decided today we are done trying to accommodate her coming over, I just wish we didn't care. Why do I care? I really shouldn't!!!

My husband thinks I’m being judgmental.
I’m not being judgmental. I’m uneasy and anxious

I’m very very anxious around my MIL. I’m not trying to assume a bunch about her, but i’m starting to hate going to her house. She lives 2hrs from us. For context she is Hispanic. I think a lot of things are cultural.
She is very anxious herself and My husband views a lot of her actions as “just trying to bond with her granddaughter” I agree, but I still think a lot of it is overbearing and it’s making me (a new mom with PP anxiety and OCD) very uncomfortable. I feel like I can’t even go near my 3 months old daughter when we are at their house or everyone thinks I’m hogging her.

Throughout my pregnancy She touched my stomach multiple times without asking even when I was CLEARLY uncomfortable. At Christmas i grab her hand and told her to not touch my stomach and it became a thing. We were leaving and I guess after that she cried because she was embarrassed. She sent a text telling my husband to tell me she was sorry and didn’t mean to make me uncomfortable and then she cried to my husband about it a few weeks later. She said a lot during that conversation. I called her as well and just apologized for how the situation happened hoping that would resolve things. It didn’t really resolve much. She’s acted really weird towards me ever since, but ever since the baby was born in April so has had no problem over stepping in multiple ways. Here is a list of things that have happened. Some of it is before the baby was born.

She bought shirts for the gender reveal party without asking me first….i didn’t wear mine.

She bought window shields for the baby without asking. when she asked if we used them I said no because I already have some and we don’t use them anyways because i can’t see through my blind spot with them on. She looked really upset.

She has taken the baby out of my arms without asking

She stands over my shoulder when I’m doing something with the baby. I once almost tripped because she was behind me and I didn’t see her.

She asks what’s wrong with the baby everytime she cries

She constantly asks if I need help, but it’s not like can I help you out with what you are doing it’s “let me take the baby from you.”

When she hangs out with the baby she often brings the baby into rooms I’m not in and into bedrooms(doors open)

Constantly wants me and my husband to leave and go out so that she can bond with the baby. Again she’s 3 months.

Comments on my weights
Comments on my husbands weight

Told me to be careful what I ate because it can cause issues with the babies stomach right after I gave birth.

In the past looked at my husbands bank account and has tried to insert herself into our finances. Husband did speak to her about this one. She still asks him, but we have a joint account now that she can’t see.

Every time I breastfeed she asks me if the baby is still eating.

Asks me if I think my LO has gas or if I think she hungry or what her size is, and when I answer no or tell Her the size she gives me a look like “are you sure?” / straight up questions me ” are you sure?”

Asked my husband if she could keep 1 singular onesie at her house and it was dirty….. he said yes. I took it home anyways because it was my favorite of her onesie’s and baby had peed on it.

She asked me if we had gotten the LO passport yet. She was not even 3 months old. And when we said no she told us how important it was that we do that quickly.

Has asked my husband multiple times if are relationship is good.

We stay at their house sometimes when we go up because of the drive. At 4th of July I put her to sleep and ran out of the room really quick to go get my charge from the car. When I came back to the room my husband was standing over the bassinet watching our daughter sleep. I asked him what was up and he said his mom said “shouldn’t you go watch the baby.” And he did. The baby is fine for a sec and him walking into the room could have woken her up.

LO has some eye boogers because of an underdeveloped tear duct. When we saw MIL she asked if we had talked to her pediatrician. This was weeks after we had done treatments for it. There was nothing more we could do but wait till it developed. We told her this. She STILL asked about it 4 more times within the following two days. “Are you going to wipe it?” “have you been spraying breast milk in it” “her eye looks really bad.”

AITA

My fiancé and I have been together for a number of years and are getting married soon. His mother has always been an interesting character. There have always been signs of her being a control freak, but she was relatively well behaved in the beginning of our relationship, but our engagement has brought forward her true colors.

For context, my fiancé has been independent since he was 18 and has lived out of state for the majority of his adult life. He is significantly older than his siblings and so she has never been particularly involved with him. His siblings get privileges and opportunities that were never afforded to him. This is in part due to her financial situation which is much better now. Even still, his other siblings are treated in a much softer, gentler way than he ever was.

All of this to say I find her obsession with controlling him and by extension me, puzzling. It’s similar in my mind to how a child prevents others from playing with a toy they themselves aren’t using.

“I don’t want this but I don’t want anyone else to have it either.”

I do not view my fiancé as someone to control or possess, yet it seems she does. There have been times where she has tried to control me, to run to my fiancé and tell him that I don’t respect her authority. What disrespect she was referring to is not quite clear. All of my interactions with her have been polite. I am very deliberate to make sure that I mind all of my manners and niceties that my grandmother taught me. When she finally called me, after my fiancé declined to partake in her games, she let the waterworks rip about how sorry she was. It felt like a test to see if I would fluff over her and tell her how sorry I was for this… misunderstanding? I told her I wasn’t sure what the exact problem was and to just tell me in the moment when something happens that she finds upsetting.

She was quiet for a long while after that and I rarely saw or spoke to her, same with my fiancé.

Over the last several months, though, she’s really tried everything under the sun. She was desperate to control the wedding party members, decide the venue etc. When my fiancé would tell her to back off, she’d go through the same cycle.

1. Cry (poor me)
2. Claim the parent card (obey my authority)
3. Anger (I’ve done so much for you)
4. Send family after him (Don’t you feel bad for your mother?)

…and repeat. She knows exactly how to prey on his good nature. He’s left these conversations in tears.

She’s gone as far as to try to plan the rehearsal dinner without any of our input (how even?) and admitted to deliberately excluding me because she got the sense that “I didn’t want to speak to her.”

Duh? Suffice to say she’s not longer a part of any of our wedding aside from being a guest. My fiancé willingly and swiftly removed her from any responsibility.

She reached out to me a while ago out of the blue and wants to throw me a bridal shower. I told her no (blamed it on being too busy and that I don’t need any gifts or parties for myself).

Now, several weeks on she has reached back out to me and “wants to break the ice again.” To me, that sounded like a dinner with us as a couple to talk about things. When I asked further she started saying that this dinner would include a whole list of people at a fancy restaurant that sounded exactly like a bridal shower. I said no the first time, lady.

My fiancé told me that he wants to have the sit down dinner with just the three of us. I see the kind of person she is (there’s a lot more history) and feel like it’ll be wasted breath. It is his family though, and I want to support him. He truly believes that he can get this woman to sit down and take accountability and apologize.

I feel differently, of course, and doubt we will ever receive one.

For those who have dealt with similar, what should I do? How can I support him? What should my game plan be for this dinner? Fake it until the wedding is over? What do you think she will say?

He says he’s prepared to walk out of the dinner. He’s not enmeshed with her really at all, just can’t believe his mother would treat him this way. He still has hope that he can have an honest conversation.

Hi! My MIL is an overall horrible person. I can't even write out my issues at the moment because doing so is incredibly triggering. So please, take it from me.

I am expecting my first child in a month. We've had a handful of miscarriages, some of them in the 2nd trimester, resulting in surgeries. I have established boundaries with my partner and he's supportive. One of those is that I will NOT be seeing her in any capacity for the first couple of weeks. He supports that. However, I know she will show up. She does this all the time and even though my partner is supportive verbally with me, he doesn't do anything when she comes, which is essentially allowing it.

She puts me in the worst positions, and I always freeze. I need help with the following, please!:

1. What to tell her if she shows up unannounced that asks her to leave.

2. What to tell her if she is invited over and overstaying her welcome or being rude, etc.

Thank you all!

So my husband has been sharing his location with both his mom and sister for a fairly long time.. at first I didn’t really mind. But for the past year, I’ve noticed that she always will text him or both of us in a group chat when we are at my parents( his in laws), or my sisters or a family party, or even when she just knows that him and I are out on a date..
The worst part is the subject of the texts are usually pointless or of unimportance to us . We wait to respond, but I’m just getting tired of this… he’s her eldest son so we’ve gotten into a few fights with her throughout the years, but we have just been ignoring and trying to lay low to avoid a fight, but I feel like this is intentional. It’s another one of her control tactics to try to ruin the evening or make herself a topic of conversation. He is going to stop sharing location so she can stop watching us.. I know we’re adults, but I just feel like there’s going to be a fallout. Any insight someone can offer me as to how to deal with this? or someone that’s gone through something similar?

DH has been NC for two years with his mom. The longer he goes with no contact the more he realizes how much more peaceful his life is without her in it. She has sent flying monkeys, changed her number three times, and made the bad mistake of texting me once in the middle of the night because she was angry he didn’t contact her on Mother’s Day telling me that she had “nothing to prove to me.“ I told her that she was right, she never needed to worry about me not knowing who she was because I had her number the moment I met her, and then I blocked her. Which was long overdue and felt freaking awesome, I have to say!

She has changed her number twice since DH blocked her and left weird VMs over the years begging him to call her, all of which he has ignored. But these instances cause huge emotional spirals for him, though he’s usually ok after a few days and moves on.

Today, as the title of this post says, she sent a 37 minute video of herself crying in a hospital setting. He called me frantic at work. He was furious and disgusted and didn’t know what to do. I asked if he wanted to watch the video and he said no. He mentioned that it was a group text to him, his uncle, and his aunt. Perfect. I told him to give me a few minutes and called his aunt and uncle. They have tried to intercede on her behalf before and we told them that unless they wanted to damage their relationship with us, they had to stop, and they have mostly respected that. Really, only his aunt talks to her. Her own brother hasn’t wanted to speak to her in five years because of her bullshit. I asked them if they had watched the video and they said they had not watched it yet. I said, “Ok, all I need to know is if there is a life-threatening emergency actually happening right now so that DH can decide how he wants to handle it.” They said they would look into it and call me back. A few minutes later, his uncle called me back and said “she’s having heart palpitations and it sounds like she’s going to have a minor surgery like a stent or something but it’s clear she’s making more of it than it really is. Feel free to ignore it.” I relayed this information to DH and he deleted the video and blocked the number.

He’s still very distressed, so I asked him if he was comfortable with the idea of never speaking to his mother again, even if she dies. I recently buried my own JNMom. I was her caretaker for the last few years of her life and had to have very hard boundaries, including low contact at times. Her constant “emergencies” when she wanted to force contact/connection became more and more frequent until she finally did pass, so…yeah. I have seen this movie and I know how it ends. Toxic people often love to weaponize illness and medical issues to bypass low/no contact. So my asking him this question was really more about having a plan that we could enact if/when an end of life situation does occur. Personally, I would love it if he just stayed NC forever, but I feel resolved to support whatever he wants, ultimately I want him to do what is best for him, but just to be in a place of peace with it - whatever that looks like. Our teen son has only met her once and he has no interest in having any kind of relationship with her, and she burned her bridges with me years ago.

My husband didn’t really have an answer to my question, but he did say he is not interested in having a relationship with her anymore. I asked if there was anything she could do that would make him want to have a relationship and he said no, it was too late for any apologies, and he said that when they were talking before, he only ever called her out of a sense of guilt and obligation, and he dreaded it and hated every moment of the calls. All she would ever do was complain nonstop about her life and then guilt trip him about not calling more, something that she became and nastier about until that led to him finally coming out of the fog and cutting her off for good.

I asked if he would make an exception to NC if she was truly end of life and he said he didn’t want to. I told him that I would be willing to be bedside in that situation for her to make sure that she had her basic needs met and could arrange for her to go into a care or hospice situation if it came to that. I offered because I really am so emotionally disinvested at this point that there’s nothing that she could say that would get to me, but I would do it if it gave him peace to know that things were taken care of and that he didn’t have to see her if he doesn’t want to. I’m a big believer in not making traumatized children show up for their abusers at the end of their lives out of family obligation. I was able to do so for my mother because I’m good at compartmentalizing and I was adequately resourced to do it, but I did pay a price for it. My sister could not be there, and I didn’t blame her a bit. If I did such a thing for my JNMIL, it would ONLY be out of service to him, only as a last resort, and my goal would be to dip in and dip out after business was handled, hospice was arranged, etc.

DH said he might consider that. I asked if he would change his number and he said no, he’s not going to let her win. I warned him that he can expect a lot more of these shenanigans until the real thing actually arrives, which was why I was trying to get a plan in place because then we can just plan and not spiral out with what to do when it comes again. At that point, he shut down so I left it alone. I know it’s only a matter of time before she drops a new crying selfie on him and we will be back here again.

In regards to advice, though, I would love to know if anyone else has dealt with elderly and sick JNMILs, how you handled boundaries and how best to determine if they were just crying wolf or not. She lives on the other side of the country (thank God), but that distance does make it more difficult to determine if something serious is actually happening or not. I’m trying to balance keeping the peace in my own household with supporting DH and not wanting him to be in a situation where he regrets not responding for the rest of his life, but I know that a lot of this is out of my control. I would just rely on his uncle and aunt to keep us informed, but this causes tension because they both like to pull “But that’s his MOM” Boomer nonsense. (Yep, the same mom who kidnapped her sons from their father, abandoned them twice as young children to run off with boyfriends to Mexico, enabled my BIL’s twenty year long meth addiction until he eventually died, has put zero effort into being a grandmother but demands the title and accolades that go with it, and has otherwise been a self-centered drama-addicted POS in every possible way her whole life and now wonders why her only living son wants nothing to do with her? That one? Maybe you get the idea why it’s a touchy subject.)

If you have had to deal with this particular brand of aging JNMIL fuckery, what has worked best for you and your family?

I wrote this out on my phone so apologies for any typos and for rambling.

Recently saw a post about grandma showers being a thing now and it gave me a solid flashback to when LO was born and my fiances mother invited her friends to her house to celebrate his birth. We were not invited as we were freshly pp, whatever. After her party she posted all of the gifts SHE received e.g. a cup with „grandma you‘re the best“, baby headphones with the caption „for when i‘ll take you out for games“ like ok, who told you this was going to happen? And other baby gadgets, it weirded me out so much… should have seen the signs back then, but kept excusing all of it with her being excited.

Btw NC since december and my fiance is out of the FOG, everything she or her flying monkeys do is clear as day fake and manipulating, i feel so free!!

Oh and After we went NC FIL gave us the headphones (in the meantime we had BOUGHT our own)

TLDR: We just got married (yay) and MIL repeatedly crossed boundaries. DH decided to try and have a respectful conversation with her after the wedding to set boundaries (e.g. we need you to respect our decisions and try to not interfere) and she BLEW UP. Rather than take any accountability, she tried to find fault with me or blame me for everything (for example, she wore white but insisted it was cream and then kept asking why I wore black at our engagement dinner and that must've meant something...) She called me pampered, that the devil was working through me to break up her family, suggested something was wrong with me because I was still grieving my late mother (duh I was sad my mom wouldn't be at my wedding)

We decided it was best to keep our distance from her for a bit to focus on the start of our marriage. MIL has not stopped messaging all the group chats. She "knew she'd lose her son once he got married." We've ignored them but she keeps escalating as if to provoke a reaction.

Today, my DH finally snapped. She shared an article about how nar / cissists manipulate relationships (implying I am one). And screenshots about how they use gifts to love bomb you. Giving gifts is my love language, and I've always tried to make my in-laws feel special like they were my own parents. For example, when I traveled to Amsterdam years ago I bought my mom tulip bulbs which she grew every year and treasured. After she passed, I bought some for my MIL when I went to Amsterdam again (she also loves to garden). In my heart, this was something cherished I also wanted to share with MIL.

Everything else that's happened has made me hurt and mad, but this...just makes me really sad. To have my intentions twisted like that. I've been with my DH for 13 years and 13 years of intentional outreach and me trying to show care... just to all be twisted as manipulation in the end. It’s really sad someone would rather rewrite the entire history and years we had a positive relationship just like that.

This kind of response from her also had me questioning myself... what if I am one and don't realize it? I started researching and looking at symptoms. My sister, friends, and DH all assured me I am not. I hate that she's also getting into my head and making me question myself.

I have made every effort to have a relationship with my MIL and to encourage my DH to as well. I genuinely wanted to get closer to her after losing my mom, particularly after getting married. Not to replace my mom, but because I know how important a mother is. I just can't believe it's gotten to this point and I'm worried it will only continue to escalate. A part of me wonders if we should have just kept our mouth shut, but it's also crazy that we can only expect her to act normal and loving if we act exactly how she wants. We didn’t even insult her or do anything, we simply tried to set boundaries.

Anyway, DH was incredibly upset at this passive aggressive message and got upset at his mom. He said he's tried to improve their relationship by having these conversations, but instead she's chosen to be hurtful and inconsiderate and continue to cross boundaries. Her response: "OK I'll just keep my opinions quiet" (no reflection, no remorse). My DH is drained and sad that "his mom doesn't seem to actually care about him and making things right with him and just wants her way."

I’m really proud he defended me, but I’m also really sad we got to this point.

We're both emotionally drained and not sure what to do next. Distance from her is already causing conflict because he isn’t responding. NC feels like it will only escalate things given how she is already acting. We. just. want. peace. to enjoy the start of our marriage.

So I got married June 13th. Stored my wedding dress at the In-laws so my husband didn't see it. Went to get it the day before the wedding and it had been taken out of MY garment bag and balled up in a trash bag. I didn't flip out just took my dress to a friend's and steamed it to get the wrinkles out. We noticed that the jacket is missing. No one knows where it went. MIL swears it wasn't in my garment bag when she moved it because obviously a trash bag was better to transport it in. I never lost my temper, I again just found a solution... The problem is the whole family acted like I had done something wrong, refused to speak to me at our reception and have been saying how horrible I am for asking my MIL to apologize. MIL has refused to admit she did anything wrong and idk how to get past this. I truly have no desire to ever be around his family ever again.

My mother-in-law(61F) decided to wear an off-white dress to my(27F) civil ceremony day. 

She emphasized that "it is beige" while she ADVISED that I "don't need a white dress" to wear for myself??????? She then sent me pictures of dresses that " I can choose from", they are all ugly colourful cocktail dresses.

Her dress looks like a dress that I can wear on MY mariage day, with the colour and lace-pattern. If you told me if it was a bridal dress for a beach wedding, I would be like: hell yeah you go BRIDE.

I feel weird about this, am I the one who is the problem here??? I'm honestly so confused about this.

When my fiancé(26M) told her that it's weird, she got defensive and sent a screenshot of the dress on the website and emphasized that " it is beige" and that my fiancé "needs glasses". Then, She went to the store this morning to snap a picture of her chosen dress and a random white dress, had them side by side, sent it to my fiancé and said : "See! It's beige, not white!!!!" I swear this woman is rage baiting me. 

I initially posted this to a different community, the moderators removed it for some reason. It was suggested that this community would be a good place to share this.

Okay ladies, what's your take?!

I 27f and husband 27M are expecting our first child. I am about 13 weeks pregnant, and MIL has been up our asses since we announced. For context this is kind of her first grandchild, her stepdaughter, husband’s half sister, already has two kids. She isn’t allowed alone with them ever, nor is her husband SIL’s dad.

Her and I have never been close despite the fact I have known my husband for 11 years, married 5. To start with the announcement, we told her privately during a call and sent a few ultrasound photos. She then posted them on Facebook with my private health information showing on them. I had my husband tell her to take it down.

Then she said she’s making a nursery, we have spent last few weeks explaining to her why making a nursery is not productive. She keeps 3 dogs, they pee and poop all over the house. They have made so many messes the floor and baseboards need to be replaced. Also, one of the dog kills small animals and has bit her. There are more examples but her home is not safe for adults, let alone infants.

Now she has started to “quiz” us on how to take care of “her” baby. She used to be a pediatric nurse, she was fired, I do not want her advice.

I never had extended family around growing up, and I had really wanted my kid to have involved grandparents. At this point I’m so frustrated I can’t even stand to speak to her. She thinks my kid is hers. She has no respect for either of us. Each time my husband brings up a concern she says “buddy I’ve raised kids, you could learn from me.”

I’m sorry if this sounds like all complaints, but I want to believe she is doing this coming from a good place, but I don’t think so. She likes to lie, to manipulate people, she always has to be right. If you correct her she cries and accuses you of hating her. I really want her to turn things around, but at this point I can’t handle being angry anymore.

Would I be wrong if I talk to her myself about this? My husband has been talking to her and his father, but he is always kind of gentle due the reason with her reactions above. I don’t think it’s enough, I don’t care if they don’t like me. Honestly I’d rather be disliked and listened to than liked, and walked all over. It’s just hard her whole family falls over and caters to her wack ass mood swings. I’m never one to back down, but I keep being told it’s not my place to speak to her, but I think it is. This is my baby, not anyone else’s.

Thanks everyone, this is my first time posting, sorry for any typos.

I’m annoyed.

Long story short, my mom in law is sensitive to smells. She’s sensitive to everything: loud sounds like fireworks. She’s also afraid of everything.

She doesn’t really clean her house. And her other son lives with his wife in mom in laws house. The wife likes to clean, but can’t because my mom in law doesn’t like any smells. Therefore, their house has a smell that won’t go away and ants.

When my mom in law leaves for weeks to visit family, she comes back to a mega clean house, but only when my mom in law is gone. Then everything goes back to normal with the smell.

Now when she comes visits my house, she asks me not to clean my counters because of the smell of my dawn dish soap. I have an open floor concept. I tend to clean my counters before I turn off the lights downstairs. And I keep the doors and windows open.

Mind you, she could have gone outside or upstairs if she wanted.

Regardless, I wipe down my counters and she had decided to sleep over.

Now that I’ve cleaned my counters she wants to leave. I’m fine with that. lol. I’m an a**hole.

But it’s fucking dawn dish soap. Windows and doors are open and it’s just the kitchen counters.

To give you another scenario, one time my husband got new shoes. They’re made of leather. The smell of leather is “strong.” So he puts them under her bed for over a week.
She only finds them because she’s looking for something under her bed like a ball my kid dropped.

She never notices. But she says, “no wonder I had this strong smell.” Lol believe me when I say we would not have heard the end of it if there really was a smell that bothered her.

so i wanna keep this as anonymous as possible so im going to keep the details minimal but my fiancé and i just got engaged and we had lunch with his mom this weekend and she immediately only wanted to talk about wedding planning and told us how we should do everything and when we tried to tell her our ideas she dismissed and put them down and expressed she’d be sad if we did it how we are wanting so im not sure how to go about this as our plans already were made to compromise with her and it’s now just the worst thing imaginable to her lol. how do i go about this?
my fiance held his ground and told her that it was our plans and we still need to figure it out but i just don’t want her to hate me for not doing it her way?

I feel guilty even writing this because I genuinely don’t have any major issues with my MIL.

She helps take care of our baby, does my husband’s work clothes (they need delicate care, while the rest of our laundry is sent out), and she and my BIL help clean our house. My husband gives them a weekly allowance for all the help they provide, so it’s not like she’s doing everything for free.

Objectively, she’s been a huge help to us.

The problem is… I just can’t stand having her around so often.

She comes over at least once during the weekdays and also on weekends. Our home is a very small studio, so there’s really nowhere to go. She’s a loud, extroverted person, and when she’s here I feel like I can’t fully relax or move around freely. It feels like I have no privacy in my own home.

The tricky part is that it’s hard to simply reduce her visits because she provides so much help, and my husband is the one who regularly asks her to come over.

What also bothers me is that she seems to assume she’ll spend holidays with us—Christmas, birthdays, etc. I don’t think she’s being malicious, but I really want those occasions to be just me, my husband, and our baby. I want to build our own little family traditions.

I don’t hate her, and I appreciate everything she does. I just feel emotionally drained by having someone in my space so often.

Am I being unreasonable? Has anyone else felt this way even when their in-laws were genuinely kind and helpful? How did you handle it without hurting anyone’s feelings?

I honestly don't know anymore if I'm overreacting, if this is mostly a cultural difference, or if months of frustration have just made me see everything through a negative lens.

My MIL isn't an evil person. She absolutely adores my daughter (16m). She's generous, loves spending time with her, and my daughter absolutely loves her too. I genuinely believe she loves my child. That's what makes this so confusing. Because I also feel like she doesn't really respect me as my daughter's mother.

Looking back, I think this started before my daughter was even born. While I was in labor and still having contractions, my in-laws came to the hospital. They weren't there during the actual birth, but they were there while I was still in labor. At the time I didn't say anything because I didn't want to create conflict. Looking back, I wish I had. Labor was one of the most vulnerable moments of my life, and I wish those hours had just been for me and my husband.

Since my daughter was born, it's been hundreds of little moments. Individually, most of them don't sound like a huge deal. Together, they've worn me down.

Some examples:

• She regularly takes my daughter out of my arms without asking first.
• If I'm playing with my daughter, she'll often insert herself into what we're doing until the attention shifts to her.
• If my daughter says "Mama," she'll immediately say something like, "Say Papa too!"
• If I'm having a quiet moment with my daughter, she'll often redirect her attention somewhere else.
• She gives my daughter sweets even though she knows I'd rather limit sugar. We've talked about it before, but she still does it.
• She constantly comments that my daughter is "still breastfeeding" and keeps telling me I should stop.
• She has suggested multiple times that I should put Vicks on my breasts so my daughter won't want to nurse anymore.
• She gives unsolicited parenting advice almost every visit.
• If I make a parenting decision she disagrees with, she'll often keep trying to convince me instead of simply respecting my answer.
• She tends to act first and ask later.

One experience especially sticks with me. Last year we spent several weeks in her home country. The whole family stayed together in the same house. I expected it to be a nice family trip. Instead, I constantly felt like I was competing for time with my own daughter. Almost every time I picked her up, wanted to cuddle her, played with her, or simply wanted a quiet moment together, my MIL would somehow step in. She'd call her over. Pick her up. Or simply take her from my arms. By the end of the trip I noticed something that honestly made me sad. I had actually started hesitating before walking over to my own daughter because I already expected my MIL to take over somehow. I know how ridiculous that sounds. But that's genuinely how it felt. We're supposed to go back again this year. Instead of looking forward to it, I'm already dreading it.

There's also a religious difference between our families. My husband and I come from different religious backgrounds, although we're both fairly secular in our day-to-day lives. We've discussed how we want to introduce our daughter to religion. Despite that, my MIL will sometimes involve our daughter in her own religious practices or beliefs without asking us first. I completely respect that her faith is important to her. I just feel that decisions about religion belong to my husband and me first.

Another thing that has really stayed with me happened when my daughter was still a baby. Someone in my MIL's home country told me that my MIL had been complaining about me to other people. According to them, she said that I was "a mother who doesn't know anything and has to Google everything." I obviously wasn't there, so I can't know exactly what was said or in what context. But hearing that honestly hurt. I've always preferred to make parenting decisions based on advice from our doctor, medical guidelines, or evidence rather than simply doing something because someone tells me that's how they've always done it. I'm sure that isn't everyone's approach. But hearing that she may genuinely see me as "a mother who doesn't know anything" changed how I viewed so many of our interactions. It made me wonder whether all the advice, comments, correcting, and taking over weren't just excitement. It made me wonder if she actually sees me as an incapable mother who constantly needs correcting. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the story changed before it got back to me. But I haven't really been able to forget it.

Another huge part of this is my husband. Every conversation about his mother follows the exact same pattern. I explain what upset me. He immediately says she means well. He minimizes it. He defends her. Or he simply stops engaging because he doesn't want another discussion about his mom. Almost every conversation ends with me feeling unheard. He's an only child. He lived with his parents until we got married, which is completely normal where he's from.

To be fair, my own culture isn't very different. The difference is that I feel like I've consciously tried to separate myself from the idea that parents should never be questioned. He hasn't. To him, this dynamic feels normal. To me, it feels suffocating.

One recent argument really upset me. He said, "Your dad also takes the baby from my hands." Maybe. But context matters. My parents live much farther away and this happened maybe like two times. They don't see him nearly as often. Maybe once every 3-4 months or even less. My in-laws live nearby. My husband literally takes our daughter to their house almost every single day for a few hours. He already assumes they'll become our regular childcare once I increase my working hours. Part of me thinks that's practical. They genuinely love her. She's safe there. A lot of parents would probably love grandparents who are this involved. But another part of me feels anxious every time I think about it. If I already struggle with these feelings now, what will it feel like when they're involved even more?

The other difference is this. If my own parents cross a boundary, I address it. I don't expect my husband to silently accept behavior from my family because "that's just how they are." My dad also regularly compliments my husband as a father. He tells him he's great with our daughter, that she eats well with him, and that he clearly knows what he's doing. I've never once felt like my father was competing with him as a parent. Whether my MIL intends it or not, I often feel like I'm competing with her for space in my own role as my daughter's mother.

I also want to be fair to myself. I know I'm not perfect. I'm independent. I like making my own parenting decisions. I probably don't take advice from older relatives as easily as some people do. After months of these interactions, I know my patience has become much shorter than it used to be. Things that another daughter-in-law might shrug off now immediately bother me because they remind me of everything that came before. So that's why I'm posting here.

Has months of frustration changed how I interpret everything she does?

Am I reading too much into things because they've built up over time?

Or does this genuinely sound like a pattern of someone who struggles to respect me as my daughter's mother while my husband doesn't really see it?

I honestly don't know anymore.