sitting in my amazement at new found love and identity, i found myself wanting to share my progress with you-intellectually, philosophically, artistically. let me introduce to you, Kaitlin: the pessimistic idealist. the artistic philosopher. the chaotic mediator. the walking, breathing, beautiful paradox.
funny, how even this longing to show you my breakthroughs-the works im immensely proud of- and how it echoes the very core of who i am. i hope you find my life’s work just as compelling as i did.
i should preface: if it comes off confusing, i have discovered i have this hegelian internal dialect and that leads to a systematic, pragmatic approach. but if you know me, i also feel things very deeply.
The Framework
SO, i have found, analyzed, and picked apart two surface-level “profound” works from my life. and i synthesized them into my own philosophy. on top of this, it’s led me to who i am.
with my natural curiosity of the “whys” and “how’s” of being human, and by the subconscious survival instinct to keep going despite bleak reality contradicting with my original, idealized beliefs, here’s the theory:
the fear of oblivion drives both creation and destruction.
the flow of life- or change, though thats too on the nose- spawns endless paradoxical threads from our contradictory needs and our desperate measures to satisfy them.
all of this? inevitable.
but so is hope.
it’s essential to see and understand our choices- and the awareness of them, too.
it’s also key to see the balancing act we face: preserving life’s fragility alongside our own grandeur and essence.
each piece is just as equally important to the whole.
i should warn that it’s a philosophy that demands rigor and resilience, but promises depth in return.
The Pieces
piece #1: from back of my 3rd grade yearbook, written by 8 year old me.
“every step you take, no matter how small, will take you somewhere until one day, you’ll look back at how far you’ve come… and be AMAZED”
i love how even at 8, i thought of future me. how i’d be reflecting on my life and my choices. how i still chose to tell myself, “you won’t even believe how far you’ll go if you just keep moving.” not bad for an 8 year old.
maybe i wasn’t as gloomy as we thought, huh?
piece #2: “easily replaced”. a strategically written poem for an english assignment. as you can assume, it’s about as angsty and vulnerable as you’d picture 16 year old me to be. i won’t share because of how raw it is, but you get my point.
digesting and picking them apart, i was on the brink of my epiphany. i dug and dug at all the parts, until finally it hit me and piece #3 was born. my 9.5 year hiatus and creative block? cleared! (this is also thanks to a VERY special someone to me, you know who you are if you read this far. thank you, you beautiful soul.)
The Punch.
piece #3:
“why fear being forgotten?
because it means you failed the whole point of life:
to be seen. to be heard. to feel pain.
to seek truth, and understand.
to love, and lose.
to cherish, to hold value.
to seek knowledge- and at its core:, to teach.
teach others about life’s paradox. the ugliness: how cruel the world can be (think hitler, 9/11, wars). yet the beauty: love, connection, growth.
it’s about reality meeting your heart.
the very nature of human existence is creation and expression.
i guess, in some sense, you can say our souls yearn to not be alone. to be understood and heard, even if just by our own selves.
recognizing your own legacy and your choices impact.
at least your essence lingers.
you mattered enough.
you existed in a vast, expandable, beyond human comprehension of a universe.
its a subconscious force driving us.
take art: on the surface level of complexity, it’s a form of expression. whether that be a moment that transcends time, an idea you have, an emotion you feel:
something tangible to remind someone, something.
whatever driving force led you to attempt to capture something “forever”, resonated that deeply.
we desperately try to capture it because it was real. it existed.
it mattered-
to you.
at the same time, theres a quiet yet powerful voice- connection.
we crave to be interesting enough for someone to get curious, to see us, know us… then CHOOSE to spend their invaluable time- even life- with us in it to a degree.
to inspire. to be appealing and loved enough for inclusion, even in the quaintest of ways. to honor by choosing to carry the weight of remembrance.
to even create a symbol of martyrdom for our own sense of peace.
9/11, as an extreme of my point: it’s about sacrifices, sure. but it’s MUCH deeper than that.
those who died in this attack are important because it’s the nature of being human- we existed.
we were reminded of the destruction from an obstruction of power, and sought to remind humanity of the ugly teeth that have been shown.
in this lesson of history, we captured the very perplexity of life: remembrance, honor, and the call to grow. for connection to inspire change.
it can be layered and intriguing if you start to look at it this way; take a look at the human drive to persevere and preserve knowledge.
dig a little deeper, though; this happened due to a silent, ongoing war: wanting to be powerful and right.
psychologically speaking, you could say some were chasing a god-like status to beat oblivion- through violence. hitler in this sense, also “succeeded”-hes not forgotten, either.
these are the uglier details of the picture i don’t like to face, though.
more personally?
it’s the way you now chuckle slightly at the end of something you said, because of someone you once knew.
or a record someone you cherished made for you thats still enclosed in a plastic cover.
to notes from those you’ve met, scattered across your home (or in a box, if you’re tidy).
the occasional thought of wondering how or what someone is doing.
or how your time spent together is burned into the very edges of your being, regardless if you’ve lost them or not.
for feeling beauty so profoundly, yet so deeply- to where you carry them with you in any capacity you can. to feed this without a second thought— all because you were intrigued enough to get to know them.
to love someone, and stand at the wake of them- the importance of it all to YOU-
and still choose to have them imprinted on who you are.
you must seek to understand someone, and see them holistically— their layers, the weight they carry— and choose to honor them and the meaning you tied to them.
to know them, truly see them, even the blood shed, and deliberately choose them anyways. it’s the weight of gratitude for being able to honor the other person.
it doesn’t hinge on the others presence- it hinges on the acceptance of who they are to you. the impact they’ve had on shaping you, and how you choose to honor them.
then theres the way i like to honor those i love;
by an internal search of power. an understanding of one’s own self. and synthesizing the paradoxical coexistence of connection and identity.
what do you get? a crystallized catalyst for growth.
whether it be through creation, healing, teaching, stories-
i think it’s in choosing beauty in the midst of destruction.
i think this can also lead to a more raw, meaningful way of preserving human connection and the volatile importance of it—
in every attempt at immortality we chase.
but that doesn’t mean being remembered on a grand scale, thats not what i’m saying.
try to weave my inner clock to frieren: beyond journeys end. how she chose to remember and understand the world because of her love for himmel and the hero party.
i dont care if i’m remembered on a hitler-level scale. i care about being impactful enough to have someone carry me with them-even if it’s a silent thought. a reason to spark change, no matter the scale: to be a bit softer, listen a little harder.
to look deeper.
to invoke change for better in this world and in others, no matter the scale.
that’s what i mean.”
The Sum Of It All
softness and vulnerability are the flip side of power. once you have a grasp at the interconnectedness of it all, then discover balance, and practice intent.
you must accept the fact impermanence is inevitable. that they may still choose to leave anyways, or maybe not even get the choice to stay or go.
but the weight of them is still just as seismic.
as long as we live and continue to connect, we can conquer oblivion in the best way possible.
What I’m Getting At
i urge you to be aware of the sheer existence of each other, and the co-choice of staying in face of the wake of destruction.
the choice most definitely requires ongoing renewal. it has to be deliberate. it must cherish both yourself and the other, no matter the trial.
it must scream from the rooftops “i see you. i see me. i still choose me, yet i love you fiercely. i’m here, standing with you in the darkest depths, anyways.”
not in a boastful way, but through mutual symbiosis, if you will-embracing each other holistically.
i must warn you that without this key: growth, creativity, and inspiration will stall. humans will forget the pursuit, and will cease as we know it-
you will be forgotten.
fear of oblivion is the driving force of human existence.
life is a paradox, and this fear only amplifies that sentiment.
its about choosing to revel in this paradox, though. to over-pour growth and connection in “irrelevant” things because of the bigger picture.
to see humanity and it’s desperate attempts at an hommage, and then immortalize those who triggered this epiphany- in whatever capacity you can.
capture the paradox of human existence. and choose to love, create, honor, remember, and grow anyways. still be selfish by choosing to flourish, but in an attempt to honor others as well.
the human ability to transform destruction into the art of creation via choice;
it will stand in the midst of everything,
every time.
it will be the mirror in someone’s hand- serving as a key to all the knowledge ones self could ever even hope for.
oblivion: the driving force. a universal call to action thats so adaptable it can manifest in many ways: self discovery, hobbies, vile acts.
and to sit and chew with it, and to stand toe to toe with my pessimistic idealism…
what an honor.
and what better way to love someone?
to see their being,
and carry the weight of them anyways.
i hope i give you food for thought.
it’s an honor, to finally stand in front of you all. and it’s an even bigger honor to be able to laugh at the ironic paradox that sentence creates.