Hi all. I (25f) have struggled with my fair share of disordered eating. First in college, I had a binge problem, then lost the weight and more very, very unhealthily. No one said anything because I was morbidly obese and was being congratulated left and right. Then I developed a sort of clean eating, super active lifestyle, and even though I was maintaining a healthy weight, my mind was still very, very obsessive with calories of foods, calories burned in exercise, and what was on my plate. After a few months, this past fall, I slipped into full blown restriction, losing an immense amount of weight in 3 months, which then eventually developed into bulimia when my body gave in and I felt overwhelmed with my extreme hunger.
I am 7 months into "recovery", officially dx'd with BN, and have gained some weight back. It is putting me in a spiral and though I am eating more regularly and my purging (via vomiting) has decreased, my exercise addiction and other forms of purging, including the shame that comes with it, has remained.
A point of entry to reality that my dietician is trying to use is how much I love being strong through physical activity, and I cannot have that without fueling properly. I bought a Garmin a few months ago (the cheapest one lol) because I was recommended to give it a shot so I can know how much I burn and how I can eat to support my love for it. But, all it has brought me is more obsession.
Now that I know my TDEE (which is about what I expected but higher than I'd like to accept), I am meticulous about not eating above that, and even planning way lower. I can't stop counting the calories so that I could lose some of the weight again but ✨healthily✨ and looking at my Garmin at the estimated calories burned.
I track everything, and I can't stop. I am freaking out when I eat more than what I planned especially if it's above my calories burned for the day and am no longer enjoying activity. And the thing is: I love working out and exercise. I hike and trail run and cycle and do yoga and work an active job that has resulted in visible muscle. I truly feel grounded when I exercise, or used to.
I still want to keep the movement going but I think especially in this "optimization market" where everyone is training for marathon and has their fitness watch or meticulous gym plan it's hard to let it go. And of course eating and wellness and nutrition go hand in hand. But I haven't felt genuine inner peace with how I move or what I eat for literal years. It's so foreign to me, and the exercise addiction + the tracking calories is all I know. I don't rest, and when I am forced to (whether it is weather or sickness or depression) I feel so lazy and like I can feel the weight adding on.
Seriously, I'm at a loss. I miss when activity was fun and making my body feel better holistically was actually impactful. How can I stop all this?