We get it: you are very cool. You are like the Fonz, but times a hundred. No, two hundred. You are definitely not overcompensating for any feelings of emasculation, inadequacy, low self-esteem, or general absence of friends or people who enjoy your company.
Every day, we DUMBO residents -- the lowly, uncool, vehicle-less peasants that we are -- remain continuously awestruck by you as you ramble callously through our neighborhood each afternoon. We aspire to one day own a similar car that splits our ear drums, wakes our napping children, and implodes the sanity of our cats and dogs. Are you able to spell "cat" even if we spotted you the "a" and the "t"? Or, instead of intellectual pursuits, do you simply spend your free time trying to devour public attention like a famished warthog?
I know, I know, we wouldn't understand. Again, we are not as cool as you. We can only dream of one day also owning a vainglorious Douchemobile. One whose howling, earth-shattering exhaust reverberates all the way up to the heavens, loudly enough that God Himself shies away, fearful of the histrionic egomaniac He has created here on Earth.
Thank you for your daily contributions to our lovely corner of the city. You couldn't see your d**k with the Hubble telescope.
With love,
All of us