EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!!!
ARAGORN, SON OF ARATHORN!
VERSUS!
MINSC! (AND BOO!)
BEGIN!
[ARAGORN]
Out of the wild — hood up, pipe lit, Andúril at my side,
I'm the Heir of Isildur; you're the guy the hamster guides!
I've carried more names than you've had thoughts: Strider, Estel, Elessar,
You've got one volume setting, one brain cell, and a jar!
I tracked Uruk-hai three days across Rohan without rest,
You lose the plot completely if the rodent leaves your vest!
I summoned up an army from the Paths of the Dead —
Your tactical advisor eats his seeds inside your head!
The hands of the king are the hands of a healer,
Your Wisdom is the dump stat, and buddy, could it be realer:
I guarded four small hobbits through hell to Mount Doom,
Your one job was a witch — she didn't make it to act two!
I waited sixty years, then took my crown before the throng,
So squeak your little orders while your minute lasts, Minsc —
You take counsel from a hamster. I return as the King.
The age of rodent rangers is over. Now begins... my thing.
[MINSC]
HA! Minsc smells evil! Or possibly... brooding? Boo says BOTH!
You are famous for WALKING — they literally named you "Strider," oaf!
Took you six whole movies to escort one piece of bling,
Minsc clears a dungeon before second breakfast — THAT'S a king!
Eighty-seven years dodging destiny AND a wedding date,
Poor Arwen gave up immortality — to WAIT!
You kept your shattered sword in pieces, like a scrapbook of your feelings,
Then you wept upon your Boromir... which, fine, had Boo also reeling —
NO! FOCUS, MINSC! EVIL! Ahem: Evil, meet my sword!
SWORD, MEET EVIL! They have met SO MUCH, it's never bored!
They built a statue of Minsc while Minsc was STILL INSIDE IT —
Your city waits until you're dead; mine could not be quieted!
You bow to no one? Pah! Minsc also kneels for no man's due —
though that is mostly full plate armor. The point stands. Tell him, Boo!
"Squeak."
...Devastating. Utterly. There is no counter-verse to that.
[ARAGORN]
A century as birdbath in the Baldur's Gate bazaar —
The pigeons send their compliments, you decorative czar.
I fought my war on one life: no reload, no quicksave,
You've died to level-one wolves and gibberlings — how brave,
F9, F9 again, till the dice roll your way,
Real rangers get one arrow, one hour, one day!
And here's the bitter truth, so hold your rage and hear it clean:
You're not even the hero of your own beloved scene!
The Bhaalspawn leads your party — you're the comic relief with a cage,
A sidekick set to "Berserker: AI-controlled" on every page!
I stared down Sauron through the palantír, unbent and unbowed —
You lose staring contests to the hamster. Say it loud:
I am the Return of the King, the Evenstar's own knight.
You're an escort quest that screams. Boo — blink twice if you're all right.
[MINSC]
SIDEKICK?! Then why does every era carve out room for Minsc?!
Three games! Three decades! Heroes wash out — HAMSTERS PERSIST!
Bhaalspawn come and go like witches, gods explode like pests,
But when they open up the Gate again, whose name is on the chest?!
You need a bloodline, a prophecy, an elf-maid, and a ghost brigade,
Minsc needs three things only: sword, squeak, and butts that need remade!
You give speeches before battle — "a day may come," so stirring, so long —
Minsc gives one word: "RAAAGH!" and evil sings its parting song!
But wait... Boo whispers... hold on... your dark lord... is an EYE?!
A giant! Flaming! LIDLESS! EYE?! ...Aragorn. Friend. WHY?!
You marched ten thousand men to die at one volcano's rim,
When EYES are literally the ENTIRE thing we're famous in?!
One hamster. One toss. Your trilogy's a paragraph!
GO FOR THE EYES, BOO! GO FOR THE EYES!
RRAAAGH! BUTT-KICKING! FOR GOODNESS!
...and swords. Swords for everyone. On behalf of my hamster: good fight.
record scratch
[BOO]
"Squeak. Squeak-squeak. Squeak."
[TRANSLATION]
"I have watched a thousand battles and have won them, every one. / Kings and berserkers swing their swords; the wheel squeaks, and it is done. / You fought well, both — for second place. The throne was never in doubt. / A miniature giant space hamster ends this bout."
WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE!
EPIC! RAP BATTLES! OF HISTORYYYY!