We met a year ago, after I went through a bad breakup. we became drinking buddies- on the phone. Drink drink drink, trauma trauma trauma dump, is how I would describe it. We bonded a lot over being hurt people. But also over other stuff. She became my best friend, my rock.

Then I went to rehab, and she would keep me up at night in rehab. Calling me, threatening to hurt herself, saying I was abandoning her. It was crazy. I felt responsible for her because she had no one. I felt like I was abandoning her. I missed group therapy because I was up all night- even when the detox meds were trying to force me to sleep. I had social workers begging me to stop talking to her.

I pushed her to detox herself- and she did. Things got a lot easier for her. Then her eating disorder got bad. She lost... all of her weight. Very rapidly.

I begged her to go to therapy, seek treatment, do an inpatient program. It stressed her out. Thinking about processing her trauma in therapy is so scary to her. I get that.

But for months- I was doing intensive therapy. Really working on myself and my sobriety. And she still hadn't gotten a therapist. She found one, didn't like her, and never went back.

Meanwhile, we talk on the phone all the time. She helps me with my fears and anxieties. She helps me fall asleep at night. We laugh a lot. There are undoubtedly good times.

But every day is chaos. Her executive dysfunction. She's scared of her parents, whom she lives with, so she does everything she can to avoid them. Chain smokes cigarettes in the car all night. I have to be on the phone with her to help her eat, help her calm down when she has a nightmare, talk her through panic attacks. I want to do all of that, but it's every day. And I'm burning out.

We meet for the first time in February. I try to be calm and patient with her, but I notice that it's a lot. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom, poking at her face and wiping her excessive sweat. I mean hours. Every morning in order to go do something, she has to chain smoke and drink coffee, then spend an hour in the bathroom mirror, then an hour picking out an outfit. But all of that causes more anxiety, so by the end, she is naked in the mirror cleaning sweat or chain-smoking again. She barely eats. She's going to the bathroom to throw up the food.

I can trace it all back to her childhood trauma. Controlling the food helps her have power over something in her life- when her uncle took it all away. Getting ready reminds her of being forced to go see him, even though her parents knew something was off. Having panic attacks at night reminds her of waking up to someone coming to hurt her. Everything is the trauma.

And none of it is her fault. And that fucking breaks my heart. She didn't do this to herself.

The next time we went to see each other, she promised things would be different. That she had less anxiety now. But the second day, when she was packing for a road trip and taking forever, she kept asking me "why are you mad at me", then she went cold, she was crying and ignoring me. I was trying to console her. Then we went to a hotel. I was feeling sick, so I didn't want to have sex. She took it to mean that I wasn't into her- so she broke down again. I didn't know what to say or how to help. I was in total shutdown mode. She yelled at me outside "What?!? you think I'm crazy?!? you think I have BDP?!?"

We made our way to a cabin in the woods, and I was honestly scared. Scared she would snap or breakdown again if I so much as looked at her the wrong way, left too much silence to be interpreted incorrectly, or made her feel judged.

I left that trip wondering if I am the insane one. I told her I couldn't do it anymore, but she begged me to keep trying. Said she would get a therapist, work on the eating, go to groups. So just like I had spent months trying to find her rehabs and other programs, I continued trying to find her therapists. But they were all wrong. Too far of a commute, too young, too expensive. She said the pressure is too much, that I am trying to control her.

We did work on some things. ON the phone, things were improving. She would do yoga and meditation with me. She started using coping skills like breath work, TIPP, etc.

I wanted so badly to see the woman I love, so we met up again this week. But it was the same patterns. Getting ready feels like a disaster. Packing things up is a panic attack. I didn't want her to smoke cigarettes around me because I recently quit, but that was too much pressure (to ask her to vape or smoke farther away). Intimacy is fraught with insecurities, "why don't you want to touch me" (when I touched her just earlier that day), and fear of being fat. I was putting out fires left and right. She's sober and promised she wouldn't need weed, but I brought it for her anyways (despite it triggering me), then she cried that the weed pen didn't work and blamed it on me for controlling her smoking.

She got mad at me for reaching for my vape before I kissed her in the morning. She ran outside and starting chain smoking, then slammed the door and told me that I am mean.

It happened again the next morning, and she threw my vape across the room.

She spent 30 minutes in the car getting ready to walk on the beach. Just wiping off her sweat because the sensory feeling is overwhelming (again, trauma)

I felt like I was on eggshells all day, all the time. Like i was trying to make everything perfect, but the calm moments were so fleeting. between every calm moment were two meltdowns.

I wasn't sure how to do it, so I wanted to wait to talk to my therapist. She knew something was wrong. I broke up with her on the phone last night after she got home from our trip.

She said a lot of mean things. She told me that the real problem on our trip was my health problems, that I "will never be okay alone", that I'm the real unstable one without a job, that I'm selfish, and that nobody will ever love me like she does.

I think she's right. I don't have any friends, I recently quit my job because of health problems, and I do have a lot of problems. She is my entire support system, my best friend, and the reason I get up in the morning.

but my intention is to work on all of that, and our 24 hour a day phone calls are disrupting my ability to heal. the constant emotional overwhelm is disrupting my ability to heal. I want peace. I want to wake up next to someone who isn't in crisis and fall asleep next to someone who isn't in crisis.

I feel like I'm abandoning someone who has literally never been loved. never treated with respect. never had anyone be gentle to her. was cheated on, molested, raped, beaten, abandoned.

she told me that she promises this time she will work on all of that. that she is committed to healing. the thing is, I believe her. I have seen how much work she put in. but this is still just too much.

am I leaving her in the time she needs me most? am I abandoning her and letting her sink? what if I won't be okay alone?

Hi everyone,

I am looking for insight from survivors or other partners who have navigated complex trauma in a relatively new relationship.

I recently spent 3 months dating an incredible woman who survived a 25+ year emotionally abusive marriage. We clicked deeply, she told me I was the best thing to happen to her since her kids, and I met her daughter and friends, who all really liked me. She showed signs of insecurity, but always reassured me everything was okay.

Last weekend, I made a mistake. We had been drinking all day and Having tons of fun. Late at night, I brought up a heavy boundary conversation at a bad time. I questioned a double standard: she stays in close contact with her exes and their kids (and is attending their events), but requested that I cut off a completely platonic friendship with my ex.

We seemingly smoothed it over that night, slept together, and the next morning went on a hand-in-hand walk, laughing and kissing. Three hours after going home, she sent a breakup text.

Right after, she sent me a TikTok transcript about mentally abused women, highlighting that “small conflicts trigger deeper reactions because her mind connects present moments to past pain” and that “love can disappear without warning.”

I sent her a very gentle, zero-pressure text a few days later letting her know I wasn't angry, that I heard her, and that I respected her space. She replied the next morning with: "Thanks for the message. I understand what you are saying. Take care of yourself."

I am honoring her space and not replying. I know my timing was bad and alcohol fueled my poor delivery. But I am reeling from how fast she ejected after 3 months of closeness over one argument.

Can survivors or experienced partners help me understand what was likely happening in her nervous system between that peaceful morning walk and the breakup text? Was it a fawn response? I want to understand the trauma mechanics here so I can process this with empathy rather than confusion. Do I have any hope of working this out?

Thank you.

(My thoughts were scattered all over the place so I had AI help me draft this)

I need help. Im really not sure what to do anymore. I feel so lost and sad. Do we both just lack capacity? Part of me feels like breaking up is for the best, but my heart is just like "no way we love him".

Almost 5 years together. Took one year to split. A few weeks apart now. Still living together because of finances and co owning. Everything has lost its purpose. Work sucks, can't pay attention to my games or hobbies, never hungry always tired but can't sleep.

My antidepressants are probably holding me afloat but I don't feel it. Therapy just feels like an hour I pay to rant. Can't muster the energy to go out and meet people and when I can everyone isn't them. Honestly I think the only reason I'm crawling out of bed is the animals.

The worst part is them seeming more alive, social and taking better care of themselves now. And they don't even seem to realise why I feel so shit.

Side note Spotify decided to play "she's the blade" by sugarcult which is very fitting

Is it normal with cptsd to feel aversion to your partner? Does this mean they are wrong for you? Or is this sometimes a normal cptsd reaction.

​

Background: my partner and I have gone through repeated shutdown cycles on his end that trigger my abandonment wounds.

​

He's not dismissive. He just gets overwhelmed sometimes and retreats internally.

I have been with my partner for a little over 1 year. He is a good man, an amazing person, and someone who I love more than any man I've ever been with. We have gone through a prolonged cycles of pursue withdraw. He's more on the avoidant side with some anxious tendencies and i am a fearful avoidant through and through. With cptsd and what looks like rocd, I am constantly afraid that with the triggering of my abandonment wounds for so long that maybe we should break up or maybe he's not right for me. It hurts to feel and think this way bc I would hate to lose him. But still the thoughts creep in. Its so hard bc we are poly but not yet open, and I often fear he's gonna find someone better and less dark and twisty as me and realize that im not worth the trouble. He is so patient and kind and understanding but part of me just fears that I'm too much of a burden and that he'll eventually leave. I even get feelings of aversion and anxiety body sensations like shoulder chest and neck tension with him which sucks bc im like wtf is this, I just want to feel calm and happy with him. Any negative feeling sends me into a spiral of rocd doubting and what if ing. Am I just being hypervigilant from the rupture cycles of his withdrawals? He has gotten better over time, but I'm just afraid that too much damage has happened. He's away for a week and I have all this anxiety that he'll meet the right girl who will replace me. I just feel like I wish I could stop worrying about us and focus on my own life. I even feel guilty and like something must be wrong if I feel happy without him. I feel crazy. I just want to feel normal and happy and safe. I hate all the fear and questioning. I been thinking about meds, but im scared of that too. Anyone on any meds that don't impact rem sleep? I see that ssri meds reduce rem sleep and i want to avoid that. I also have adhd. Ahhh. Sigh. Thanks for reading and for any shares or advice.

​

Anyone else relate to this?

My partner (31) and myself (27) both have diagnosed cptsd. They have experienced many traumatic events over the course of their life, one major one of which they experienced while with me. I was with them during said event and sustained trauma from it.

That being said, around the time I met them (2.5 years ago) I was coming out of a painful and traumatic 2yr relationship with someone (41) with very very extreme mental illness…. with them, it led to psychological abuse, s*xual abuse, financial abuse and more. It took me a long time to process what happened to me, so symptoms appeared a year later and continue now alongside others.

A way in which is appears is that my “expectations” of relationships are sometimes rooted in that trauma from my ex-partner. For example, I should trust a partner to “carry out” their end of an agreement successfully— with my ex, I essentially became their parent and had to tend to all their responsibilities regardless of if they said they could do them or not. They wanted to be independent or responsible, but were not, and those burdens always became mine.

Sometimes I can come across as untrusting or overbearing when my partner has responsibilities that affect me, because I truly don’t trust someone to follow through, so I heavily emphasize that I need/want them to. My current partner is hurt (if not triggered) when I “compare” them to my ex—- It makes them feel as if I don’t trust them, or don’t respect their boundaries or their word when they say they’ll have something taken care of. I understand that discomfort, it sucks to be with someone who can’t help but view things through the lense of someone else. But it also sucks when I can name that my response is rooted in my trauma (with my ex) and my current partner responds very negatively to that connection. This leads to very unnecessary conflict and fights.

I don’t want to hurt or trigger my partner when I’m reacting or acting from a “comparison” to my abuser. Still, I feel I can’t do much aside from recognize & name that connection in the moment, as I’m usually very activated and anxious. Do any of you have mechanisms of communication between yourself + and a partner with (c)ptsd in moments of heightened intensity?

I also want to point out that this post is entirely from my POV. My partner is wonderful, intelligent, nuanced, but also very emotional and experiencing and processing a lot of hard symptoms in daily life. Please consider they are not unsympathetic or a “monster” in your responses if you choose to respond. I know many of you are also experiencing complicated relationships. Thank you!

Hello,

I would like to ask for a professional perspective on a relationship situation that has been confusing and emotionally difficult for me.

The main people involved are myself (male, 35) and a woman (33). We live in different cities a few hours apart, but distance itself is not a problem. I can travel easily.

Background

We had known each other for about three years. During that time we communicated occasionally and met a couple of times (I visited her). Before my second visit (a year ago) she openly told me that we would have sex when I come. When I came she put me to sleep in another room.

I knew that she had experienced severe trauma in the past. She was in an abusive relationship, and her one-year-old child died due to the negligence of that partner. This happened about six years ago, possibly longer (unsure). She told me she still blames herself for the child's death because she believes she should have left the relationship earlier.

How We Became Close

About 9-10 months ago, our relationship changed dramatically during a 10-day nature trip that she herself suggested.

During that trip, she cried tears of happiness and said things like:

"I feel so good with you."

"Thank you for organizing all of this. Without you I would never have seen such beauty."

We slept in the same bed. She once fell asleep with her head on my lap during a long drive. When I hugged her (even after alcohol, in romantic places), she neither pulled away nor reciprocated. She would simply freeze.

After drinking alcohol she kissed me on the lips twice (on different days) as a way of thanking me for the trip. We never had sex, never even hugged long enough.

It was the happiest and most emotionally connected experience of my life. I felt as if we were completely in sync.

Three weeks later after that trip we met again in a neutral city for her birthday. I prepared a surprise for her and we spent a wonderful weekend together. We walked in the rain, visited cafés, and talked for hours.

At one point she took my hands, looked into my eyes, and said:

"I feel so good with you."

When we said goodbye at the train station, she herself kissed me briefly and awkwardly on the lips while completely sober.

At that point nothing suggested future difficulties. Yes, no intimacy, but even that way I was extremely happy.

The First Withdrawal

After that birthday weekend she returned home, around 2-3 weeks had passed and she withdrew emotionally for about six weeks.

She rarely called, although she occasionally sent memes and reels on Instagram.

Her Pattern During the Last 9 Months

Initiation

She initiates about 90% of all contact.

She calls me, sends memes and reels on Insta. We never text. I almost never initiate.

Sometimes she calls every 3-4 days. Other times she disappears for 2-3 weeks and then returns.

Some calls happen late at night, often after 10 PM when she is returning home.

I suspect she may have casual sexual relationships with other men, although I do not know this for certain.

Interestingly, I am not the one maintaining the connection. She is.

Affection and Flirting

She frequently says things like:

"Kisses"

"Sweetheart"

"Dear"

"Thank you, sweetheart"

She often compliments me:

"You're intelligent."

"You're always two steps ahead."

"I admire you."

"You have model-like looks."

"You're sexy."

She also calls me handsome and sometimes openly flirts (on the phone/text)

Future Fantasies

Even before we became close she would sometimes say things like:

"When we get married we'll move to another country."

"We'll travel there one day."

"If you move to that city, I'll move in with you."

There is often an abstract future in which we are together, but no concrete movement toward making it real.

Trust

She told me:

"I trust you 200%, just like I trust myself."

"You know more about me than anyone else."

She also admitted that because of her past experiences she automatically looks for hidden motives and betrayal in people.

Avoidance of Real Meetings

This is where things become confusing.

After our last in-person meeting (September 2025), I suggested meeting again within a month.

She became visibly nervous and declined, saying:

"I can't."

"Work."

"No money."

"Too much going on."

In November, after a period of reduced contact, she suddenly told me:

"I miss you. I'll come spend New Year's with you at your place."

Later she cancelled those plans (by stopping answering me) and instead invited another man to spend New Year's with her (the one we actually had met together on the first day of our nature trip where we were not that close yet, she they flirted immediately and she told him we are just friends) . She never told me that but I found out.

This led me to believe that casual intimacy may be easier for her than emotional intimacy.

Earlier this year, during several phone calls, she repeatedly mentioned that a bed had finally been delivered to her new apartment and that now I would have a place to sleep if I visited.

In May I invited her to meet in a neutral city near her (easy 1h train ride). She agreed.

However, one day before the planned meeting she called and said:

"I'll call you tomorrow and we'll see."

The next day she cancelled, saying that apartment renovation work had taken longer than expected. It felt that she never intended to come, just didn’t want to say directly.

For the last nine months she has consistently avoided or cancelled in-person meetings.

Physical Contact

She never initiated hugs.

When I hugged her in romantic settings she neither pulled away nor hugged me back. She simply froze.

At the same time she would:

- ask for massage (one time)

- offer to give me massage (one time)

- tickle me playfully (couple of times)

- fall asleep on my lap (one time)

- sleep in the same bed (many times, maybe around 15 nights in total)

- kiss me briefly on the lips several times (usually as gratitude or when saying goodbye)

Her Current Situation

- She works constantly, often including night shifts.

- She appears socially functional and has friends.

Her intimate life seems somewhat chaotic, although I cannot know for sure. But I know for sure she had sex with random men who don’t mean anything to her.

As far as I know, she has not had a stable relationship since the death of her child.

My Situation

- I have diagnosed ADHD and Asperger's syndrome.

- I tend to analyze, categorize, and search for patterns. Uncertainty is extremely difficult for me.

About six months ago I stopped being her emotional dumping ground. Previously she would spend long phone calls talking about her problems in form of a monologue for 30 minutes or more.

I stopped trying to solve her problems.

I reduced my own initiative and became more of a "rare but warm" presence.

Throughout this entire process I have:

- never pressured her

- never demanded sex

- never raised my voice

- never guilt-tripped her

- consistently tried to be supportive and accepting

She seems to value this greatly.

However, nothing actually progresses.

My Questions

1. How consistent is this pattern (strong emotional connection, constant initiation, flirting, trust, future fantasies, but inability to meet in person and repeated last-minute cancellations) with Complex PTSD complicated by traumatic grief?
2. Is it possible that someone genuinely cares deeply about another person while simultaneously sabotaging every opportunity for real-world closeness?
3. If she is not likely to seek therapy anytime soon due to work, exhaustion, and financial difficulties, what realistically are the prospects for a relationship like this?
4. What would you recommend I do?

I love her deeply. We have an emotional connection unlike anything I have experienced before.

Based on her behavior, I believe I am emotionally important to her as well. She always comes back even after periods of silence. She initiates 90% of all the contact.

I am willing to be patient and accept her as she is.

But after nine months, there are still no real meetings — only phone calls, flirting, affectionate words, and an abstract future in which we are together.

I really doubt she will do a therapy in the near future.

What are the chances that this situation can realistically move forward, and how?

Thank you very much for any professional insight.

Thought this would be helpful

I feel like whenever I share my deepest not so pretty feelings my boyfriend freezes up and doesn't know what to say. I mean what normal person would know? Each time he shutsdown i feel abandoned and become angry that he keeps doing it as if some part of me thinks its on purpose even though I know its not. My brain keeps saying he cant meet you emotionally. But who can? Who can meet someone who is so deeply wounded and hurt like this?

My mom is a narcissist and I feel like her abuse has ruined me and my chances of having a healthy relationship with anyone.

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post or if I should have posted in the individual subreddit instead.

I (35F) have diagnosed CPTSD and have been with my husband (37M) for 14 years. I’ve been in therapy for the better part of this, and underwent intensive trauma therapy during my late 20s. During this time, I was a horrible version of myself - unstable, dissociative and argumentative and struggling to communicate. I said a lot of things that I regretted and struggled with potential abandonment that caused explosive arguments. My husband chose to stay with me to support me through this.

Now, years later, he’s saying that I owe him for the time he wasted on me that he could have spent exploring with other women. I’ve explained to him that he could have left and chose not to, and he says that was not an option because you don’t abandon people when they are emotionally unstable or threatening things.

How do I navigate this? He’s telling me that other partners feel the same way and get trapped and that I should be trying to make it up to him by opening the relationship just for him so he can regain the life he lost. I told him he could just leave but now he doesn’t want to. Help?

TW: self-harm, SA

I (25M) have been dating my girlfriend (25F, CPTSD diagnosed) for 6 months now. When things are good, they're great. I've had some of the happiest times in a relationship while I've been with her. For context, she is in therapy and is trying to process her trauma. I am also in therapy, but it hasn't helped with handling her episodes on my end of things. I feel lost when she has an episode and don't know what to do or say anymore. I've tried to set boundaries, but I question if I'm being reasonable on some of them, or if I need to be more realistic about CPTSD. I'm a survivor of SA that went on for nearly a year with an ex, so my ability to stand up for myself is still a work in progress, and my perception of what is a reasonable ask for my own health is recovering. During her episodes, I focus on keeping calm, keeping an even tone, denying her negative statements, and trying to steer her in a positive direction. That being said, there's things that come up that feel like detriments to my wellbeing. These are the main two boundaries I told her I need upheld.

1. Sleep - I know that there's no 'perfect' time for someone to have an episode, but I am the only source of income for us and need to get enough sleep to wake up early for my job. I'm also beginning graduate school in the fall and have told her that when it's time for me to sleep, I need her to access her other resources (friends, suggested activities from her therapist, self-soothing techniques from therapy). I'll be going to grad school for mental health counseling and will have a drained emotional battery during training and need the extra rest. Well, that's a boundary that's historically been stepped over. We've had more than a few nights where I kept saying "I need to go to sleep", but she would reply with something that spikes my heart rate to where I can't sleep. These statements include plans of self-harm (e.g. 'I need to die', 'I want to die', 'I just want to hurt myself'), threats of leaving/ending the relationship (e.g. 'I scheduled a POD', 'I'm getting an Uber back to my parents', 'I'm done', 'I can't do this anymore'), requests for me to hurt her (e.g. 'just cheat on me already', 'just look at other women', 'break up with me already', 'can you break up with me?', 'can you tell me to move out?'), and incorrect statements about how I feel ('you hate me', 'you're not attracted to me anymore', 'i'm not pretty enough for you', 'my butt isn't big enough for you', 'you want me gone') among other things. I then am obliged to respond, because if I don't, she will spiral and assume I agree with whatever horrible thing she's said, then she denies any positive thoughts I suggest, and the cycle starts again. Last night she had an episode and I told her I needed to go to sleep and told myself I wouldn't respond to anything and just do my best to sleep. That worked.
2. Speaking for me - I've told her how dehumanizing her episodes can feel for me. I will say that I want A until I'm blue in the face and her response will be 'okay so you want B'. When she is CPTSD active, she will suggest things that I would never ask her to do nor want her to do. This includes things like sleeping on the couch, isolating herself from me, my family, and our friends (last night she deactivated her Instagram and removed herself from our main friends groupchat), moving out, and meaner framings like 'I'll just shut up since I'm being a bitch'. I'll say multiple times in the same night that I don't want her to do these things and she'll still keep pushing for them, adding things like 'since that's what you really want', or completely ignoring what I say I want (like staying together, for her to sleep in the same bed as me, for her to stay in our friend group, etc.) and then later saying 'I just don't know what you want'. Like, I told you multiple times in just tonight alone. Is this just something that happens with CPTSD? I feel like anything I say when she is CPTSD active gets drowned out unless it's something that she can use to hurt herself.

Last note, am I wrong for thinking she's not abusive? She's asserted it herself multiple times that she's abusive and said that she should just leave for that reason. I saw in another thread someone said to look for the signs.

I do walk on eggshells. When we are in public together, I am scared about how I interact with women. If I talk to a woman too long, or the conversation is going very well, it may trigger my girlfriend and she think that I'm going to leave her for another woman or cheat on her. If I think a woman's outfit is really cool, I can't admire it for long, or she may think I'm looking at her butt or admiring her for being beautiful rather than admiring her fashion sense/skill of putting an outfit together. Any time that I find myself going 'whoa cool!' to something a woman does (e.g. fashion, dancing, music, sports), I explain myself ahead of time because I'm worried that my girlfriend will assume I'm cheating. She's accused me of ogling at other women and gotten upset at me when I genuinely didn't know what she was talking about (I could have been ADHD zoning out, but I don't just stare at women. That's creepy.) We went to a skatepark together and I had a good conversation with one of the female skaters there (she gave me some good pointers) and that triggered my girlfriend. When we got back to the car she broke into tears and said 'you should just date someone like her. You have more in common and would be happier.' I've asserted that I see women as people, and if they happen to be conventionally attractive, it's not something that anyone can control, and it shouldn't be a reason for me to count them out as people I can interact with.

I silence myself for her sake. Sometimes things bother me, but if she's having a good day and isn't anxious or CPTSD active, I won't bring it up. We were going to eat dinner, and before we left, I'd noticed the bathroom trash (something we've agreed is her responsibility to handle since she is the main contributor to it) was piling up, and just needed to be pushed down. The trash had overflowed onto the ground and into an adjacent bin where we keep wax melts. I pushed it down and calmly asked her to either 1. take the trash out when it's full or 2. push the trash down so that it doesn't overflow onto the ground. This led to her shutting down and suggesting I go to dinner alone. From there, she needed me to comfort her, tell her that I don't regret her moving in with me, confirm that our relationship is okay and that I'm not breaking up with her. Sometimes I don't have the emotional capacity to help her through an episode, so I find myself not bringing things up that bother me or that I think could improve our relationship or living situation because I'm not ready for the potential aftermath of it.

I know that she means well, and she is trying to process her trauma. Even then, this relationship is one of the hardest things I've ever been through. I love her deeply and I want to make it work, but she worries me sometimes, and I worry about myself and my own wellbeing, too. Am I being reasonable? Am I doing something wrong? Sometimes I feel like I've failed her as a partner because she'll say things like 'I'm sorry I have CPSTD' when I tell her that something isn't working or has hurt my feelings. It makes me feel like an insensitive jerk.

I need advice on how to move forward and handle conflict in my (27F) relationship with my boyfriend (29M), who has CPTSD. I really want us to work, but I’ve been overfunctioning and not setting boundaries. Now I feel drained, while he still needs support, and I don’t know how to support him without neglecting myself. He has neglect trauma, a freeze response, and dissociates when triggered. We’ve been together for 3 years.

He is an amazing person—caring, funny, and supportive—and I love him deeply. Our relationship started strong and connected, but problems began over time. He struggles with vulnerability (e.g. when he makes mistakes, he withdraws) and generally avoids discomfort. At the same time, he still enters triggering situations (often thinking I expect it, even when I don’t), then gets triggered, leaves or dissociates, and later acts like nothing happened. This left me confused. When I tried to address it, he either felt attacked or said it would pass.

Over time, this affected me more, especially because I never knew what would trigger him. I tried to create a safe environment and encouraged therapy, but he refused and asked me to accept him as he is. We developed a pattern: when I tried to connect (talking, walking, daily activities), he would withdraw when triggered. I would ask what was happening, he would avoid it, I would get hurt and try to explain the impact. He’d respond defensively (“just tell me what to say or do”), I’d explain I needed change, and eventually he’d comfort me and things would stabilize temporarily. Meanwhile, I spent a lot of energy trying to understand—questioning myself, researching, and talking to friends.

Six months ago, I shared CPTSD resources. He felt seen for the first time and began learning, though he initially resisted therapy. He is now trying to get help, but there are long wait times. As he takes more responsibility, I’ve started feeling very sad and angry. I’m sad I spent so long confused and blaming myself. I’m angry he entered a relationship while emotionally unavailable. I’m also hurt that I had to carry the responsibility of identifying the issue. This has also made me realize I struggle with boundaries, which I’m now working on.

He gets triggered by negative emotions, which makes it difficult for me to express hurt—about the distance, being pushed away, and having to initiate repair—without him going into a flashback. I feel like I’ve taken on a parental role: being overly careful, tolerating hurt, and teaching him emotional skills. I feel exhausted, and now when he withdraws, it hurts more than ever. I don’t feel he understands the depth of my pain, which I need in order to continue.

This has led me to over-explain why we feel disconnected, which frustrates me. Part of me is angry that he hasn’t been proactive in working on himself and has avoided discomfort (like apologizing or opening up). Now that he understands his CPTSD, he’s more honest, but it’s been devastating—he’s shared habits that push people away, including me. He rarely shares about himself because he assumes people aren’t interested, even though I actively try to engage.

I’m starting to question if I even know him. He wants connection but avoids the work needed to build it, hoping it will happen on its own—and that just doesn’t make sense to me. Can anyone please help me understand this?

Just looking for help or guidance. Apologies if I have anything worded harshly - I love my partner very much and I would never judge him for his diagnosis. This is the first time I’ve reached out like this and I don’t know that I’m using the correct terminology.

My partner has PTSD and we’ve had a rough couple of months. We’ve been together/ dating for about 7/8 months and I’ve always felt very secure in our relationship. We’ve had some rough times before, but nothing has been as long as this current run. Overall, our relationship is great and other than his struggle with PSTD, we haven’t really had any big issues or red flags.

I’m concerned that his medication isn’t effective, or that his therapist isn’t doing the best that he could have. We’ve had some conversation about his treatment but we haven’t really discussed specifics.

Since he’s going through a really hard patch, I’m really scared to even ask about it. When things are fragile, it seems like almost anything can be a trigger. I’ve tried to do some research, but it’s hard to find information on how to help other than general suggestions to be supportive and patient.

Any guidance on what I can do to help him would be really nice. It’s been really hard for me to keep things to myself and I don’t have anyone to talk about it with. I’m working on setting up a therapist for myself, but any help would be really wonderful.

TW: mention of anxiety, ptsd, traumas, talks of abuse

I've been with my partner for 2 years and he is a very funny, sweet, boisterous loud person. I love that about him and wouldn't have it any other way. He is definitely someone i see spending the rest of my life with. He is the kindest and the best ive ever been treated my entire life.

Lately, I'm having issues on him feeling he needs to tiptoe or walk on eggshells around me so I won't be triggered. The most i do when i feel triggered is excuse myself and cry, while dealing with the scenario that has jumped into my head.

He deals with anxiety and past traumas himself where he's been in past abusive relationships where he had to tiptoe and round his exes, especially his most previous one (dealing with screaming, yelling, mood swings, and emotional and mental abusive behaviors).

I have been dealing with cptsd since I was 16 and have now started doing emdr sessions to help with it. Im struggling with him feeling that way that I am seen as possibly similar to what he had to do around his ex and I can't help feeling like a monster in his eyes since he has to do so. It makes me feel like a monster to him and has been making me depressed and scared that he'll eventually not want to be with me anymore.

I've tried explaining multiple times where it's not him and it's my nervous system responding to things around me at random times. I've tried explaining to him that I don't want him to change from being the sweet, boisterous person I know and need to feel he had to be on guard all the time.

What can I do to help him and ease our feelings we are having?

Deeply loving 2 year relationship ended overnight with my girlfriend (48F) and me (43M). This was her first safe and loving, and deeply close relationship ever, after decades of CSA and Narcissistic spousal abuse. She’s diagnosed with CPTSD, but claimed to be “healed” from years of EMDR.

The love was unquestionably real, and the closeness was real but that made her feel unsafe. Unfortunately, I found inappropriate texts on her phone with another man (who also has CPTSD) - not too bad, nothing two adults couldn’t have talked through. Instead, overnight, she seemingly experienced splitting and has been viciously emotionally abusive and cruel ever since. Literally overnight, she went from “I love you forever, your love is healing and transformative and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you” to being told “you’re a f***ing fake” and “you are a joke of a man” and “you are dangerous,” “I’ve installed a ring cam,” etc. It’s truly vile and loaded with projection and transference.

Does this even sound like CPTSD? More of a BPD co-morbidity? I understand there may be a spectrum? Has anyone experienced this? It’s been a heartbreaking 42 days and I’m still trying to accept the shockingly abrupt loss. I was so devoted to her and her children, so incredibly loving, so I’m still trying to make sense of how this could ever happen. It’s also been so isolating, hence this post. Thank you in advance for any insights.

First I would like to note that I am in a sad minority, of only a handful of adults I've known throughout my life that can say that no one violated them growing up. Having said that, some back story that may or may not be relevant. To say that I was a difficult child would be almost a criminal understatement. This includes many occasions that required physical restraint to prevent injury to myself and/or others. When I was eight, we both started going to counseling and I continued three weekly sessions for 6 years with the same person and a major factor in my success as an adult navigating the world. Being difficult growing up, I was on restriction to my room for most of my teenage years. My sister was the "easy" child; she got good grades, she stayed out of trouble, she took ballet and sang in the choir at school. Because she didn't require as many "guardrails", there were many things that my younger sister did before I did. I wasn't allowed to drive as a teenager because my mom thought I would drive angry. She got a horse when she was 14. She was allowed to go on out of town school trips for chorus. At 17, I graduated from high school and immediately departed the family home, where I had my own bedroom. Not long after I left home, my sister was thrown off of her horse and suffered from a severe concussion that caused at least 30 minutes of unconsciousness. that head injury caused her grades to plummet and her short-term memory to basically disappear. That was the 7th or 8th head injury that she had received in her life, with the first five being before the age of 10 and the first one occurring at the age of 18 months. Each time she was taken to an emergency room and my mom was told just to keep an eye on her. No imaging, no observation in the hospital or anything of the sort. Since becoming an adult there are at least four major car accidents that I'm aware of, the last one occurring last year. She also was diagnosed with systemic lupus at the age of 23. Fast forward to 10 years ago, she has by this time gone no contact with our mom and has been consistently communicating with our father's side of the family. I was talking to her on the phone a few months ago and she was telling me about her therapy journey and says that she doesn't have any good memories involving myself and her from childhood, as a matter of fact I molested her regularly. I very often hear her describe our childhood and I don't recognize any thing that she's talking about and I voice that to her. I think that my mom is the best mom in the world because she really made an effort to figure out what was up with me when I was a kid and to support me as those things were being figured out. My sister says that she's a covert narcissist who only birthed her for the "comfort of" our mom and myself. On the first of February, our paternal grandmother died and my sister was asked to call me and let me know. Keep in mind my phone number is known and has been the same for almost 20 years, so that that call could have been made directly from our father to myself. I made a phone call to my grandpa about a week and a half or so after my grandma died and spoke with him for a few minutes. Then I sent a sympathy card in the mail with a letter requesting a weekly phone call routine with him when he felt like he was up to it. That was almost 2 months ago and nothing. I suspect that I was the last person that my sister told about the "molesting" and it kills me to think that my grandma may have actually believed that to have been true before she died.

I've been with my wife for almost two years. Everything was great the first year, and then she lost her job about a year ago. Her sense of self and self-worth crumbled; we've had over a year now of trying to secure her a visa and trying to make ends meet, and she's been shut down and dissociated for most of that, for most of our relationship at this point. She gets stuck. She becomes distressed and pushes me away and then get upset that I'm not able to soothe her, and spirals about me deserving better. She gets angry in general, it's generally not directed more at me than snapping, it's mostly at herself.

I had a surgery last week that was a massive personal milestone and she wasn't able to be emotionally present with me around it.

I've been homeless, I was treated for bipolar for 15 years, and I've done a lot of work to cope with my emotions. At first I blamed myself for not being able to soothe her, but I know now that it's not down to me.

I wake up grateful to be with her every morning and I fall asleep feeling lucky to love her every night.

Intimacy of all kinds have suffered. She tells me she wishes she could run away, not to be away from me, but because she doesn't know how to deal with her emotions when someone loves her. She says that intimacy is harder for her with me than anyone else because I love her. I sometimes feel taken for granted, or like she resents me for loving her, but I know she loves me.

But it gets really, really lonely.

Hi, my (26F) boyfriend (32M) and I have been together for 3 years and it’s actually been really good up to this last 2 months. We’re really loving with each other and I feel like we really have this deep level of intimacy, connection and understanding. He’s a wonderful person, actually and I love him very much but here’s the problem: He’s used to escaping reality and coping though his hobbies (I don’t really have a huge problem with this) and hates mostly any other activities. And he’s very quick to anger and shutting down, I know it’s not his choice but it ends up getting to me.

The thing is he’s scared of the future and let’s say “adulting” in general. It triggers many things for him and mostly any emotion comes out as anger, and we need understanding talks to get to the actual feeling behind that anger. Of course this is not a constant, because he’s done fairly good at his job since we’ve been together, and although he hates outings he sometimes forces himself to go with me and even ends up having a good time. He’s been trying hard and he’s done so well but he’s scared to “”””grow up”””” and I’m gonna use this expression as I lack a better one, because I myself am not looking for a marriage with a child, so I’m not very into the “””””grown up”””” life either.

But I am ambitious, before I met him I had 6 years were I was very lost in life and ended up dropping out of university and doing questionable stuff, so after I met him I became a lab tech and started university again while working and, well, “adulting” hard and trying to stay out of being irresponsible, and I am, and I am happy. But now we clash because he feels like I “force” him to live my lifestyle and that if he was alone he would just drop everything and drown into his hobbies and obsessions peacefully when he’s stressed (he’s self employed so he could totally do that even if he really shouldn’t). And he’s stressed, because he now has responsibilities. And I think he’s been projecting on me and saying that I force him to be an adult when I have always been respectful of his hobbies and preferences, and it’s getting hard. Now, things he would do casually like going to dinner with my parents with me or going on a walk at night together or going out to eat, make him feel “forced” and ultimately lash out at me. I know it’s his fear and his feelings of inadequacy and not him, I know he loves me and I love him too, but we decided to stay apart for some weeks. I’m very sad. I love him but I’m scared I’m being blinded by that love and not seeing that maybe I should leave him be and that he’s gonna be happier without me. I’m scared I can’t manage living with someone who will always be debating if he wants a stable life or just staying in the same space and bubble forever. I don’t even want children or a marriage I just want stability and a decent job and not feeling useless but I fear that exact same thought is what is triggering him.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to ask honestly, is it best if I just leave him be? Is it just something that will pass? Honest advice if you went through something similar in either ends, did it work? I really want it to work, what we have is so wonderful at so many levels I just have a hard time thinking I have to let it go.

History: been with my partner for almost half a decade. their CPTSD surfaced last year. Depression has kinda hit a bit before with their work and family life.

Before end of last year everything was good and fine. After a sudden change in their behavior we talked and they kinda spilled what was going on in their head.

After a few months of struggling we are much more open and now both in our own therapy sessions. Our communication has improved massively.

Sadly they seem to think they are forever broken/damaged and that it's their fault I'm hanging around for something that will never improve.

I had large episode of depression where I felt the same in my 20s so I kinda understand the hopeless feeling and the being alone.

We have talked about where we want to end up and vague as most of our answers are we both want to be together.

The problem I'm dealing with currently is that she tends to voice more concern about hurting me making a decision than the possible progress it would help her. I am trying to convey that sometimes hurt is going to happen but I understand it may be necessary and that I'll be fine. She wants to rediscover/develop a sense of self after abusive family and past relationships. So time alone and her own thing is important. Theyve also stater their condition has also suppressed all physical and emotional attraction type feelings. So things like intimacy are slow going. They are worried this is hurting me and it is but it's manageable, they fear it may never come back.

I think I know the solution which is just time an reaffirmation. But is there anything else we can do to help. Any advice or similar experiences anyone can share to ease some of my anxiety?