The title pretty much says it all. I have bipolar II, and thankfully it's been well managed for a long time. From the outside, I'm considered "high functioning." I'm in graduate school, I do well at my job, I meet my responsibilities, and for the most part I seem like I have everything together. Most people in my life probably wouldn't guess how much effort it takes to keep things that way.

Lately, though, I've been feeling like I'm getting dangerously close to losing it. It's becoming harder and harder to keep up the version of myself that everyone expects. Every day feels like it takes more energy than the last, and I'm constantly worried that I'm one bad day away from slipping into either a depressive episode or hypomania. I keep thinking that if that happens, everything I've worked so hard to build could come crashing down.

What scares me almost as much is that a small part of me feels exhausted enough to stop fighting it. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about how much easier it would be if I just let myself fall apart instead of putting so much energy into holding everything together. Not because I want my life to unravel, but because I'm so tired of constantly masking how hard this really is. Keeping up appearances, staying productive, and acting like I'm okay all the time is exhausting.

I don't actually want to lose everything I've built. I care about my education, my job, and the life I've worked so hard for. I just wish I didn't have to spend so much energy convincing everyone including myself that I'm doing fine. I'm wondering if anyone else with bipolar II who seems "high functioning" from the outside has felt this way. How do you cope when it feels like you're using every last bit of energy just to stay stable?

Hi, i was recently diagnosed with bipolar 1 in a psychiatric hospital, ive been taking medication, not completely sure what they are. Ive been lacking a community to talk to and figure out how to deal with it. Im starting a job soon and i need to get it together because ive been in a depressive episode for so long that the thought of having to leave my house gives me major anxiety. Id appreciate some advice and meeting new people.

Gosh. I'm feeling like such a depressed mess. I've been depressed since April. The depressive episodes last SOOOOOO long. If I didn't have kids and a husband...

It's absolutely horrible being this depressed and having a family. I feel just as depressed as I did when this episode began. I keep holding onto that maybe I'm not at the therapeutic dose in my body yet, but I'm losing hope here.

How can I still feel this horrible? My god, when does it get better?

I got a formal diagnosis yesterday. My brain has been going a million miles per hour since. I had a manic psychotic episode 2 years ago that was confirmed yesterday. Now I feel like my life makes so much sense but at the same time it's very heavy to accept. Suddenly I'm aware of just how many episodes I've had that have been mildly psychotic.

I got sober for a few months and then started smoking weed again a few weeks ago. I've been told to stop but it's a huge crutch for me. I was told there's a higher chance of me having a psychotic episode in the future that leads to hospitalisation if I keep smoking weed. I know I need to stop but I also know that stopping usually triggers an episode and I feel like I'm suddenly very aware of what may be a trigger and wanting to avoid those things.

I have a therapy session tomorrow with my long term therapist so I'm hoping this will be a big help to process the news because right now I just feel overwhelmed. Problem is, I'm phasing out of therapy right now so I'm going to have to find a new therapist if I want to carry on and financially I'm struggling right now so it's not looking likely for a while.

Looking for reassurance, advice, to feel less alone. What helped you when you were diagnosed and how did you feel?

I've waited a long time for this diagnosis, I've been struggling since I was a kid and now I have answers I thought I'd be happy but it feels very heavy. I'm a writer and I've been put on Lamotrigine so I'm also worried about losing my creativity. The times when I feel at my best I'm hypomanic or manic so what does life look like without that? I'm scared to find out.

So I have been on a mood stabilizer (Lamotrigine 25mg then increased) for a few months. When I first started taking it, it was a miracle. I mean a cure. Then, my episodes started back gradually so they added Seroquel - but it made me VIOLENT. So they took me off that and put me on Latuda - but it really did nothing for me. So then, they added Wellbutrin about 3-4 weeks ago and I cant tell a difference.

Im more irritable day to day now as it seems like an everyday thing. I also feel "blah" like I dont care about anything.

So my psych is gradually taking me off the Lamotrigine and putting me on Depatoke.

Anyone have any luck with this med? I feel like im going crazy and im tired of being miserable. This is not like me.

I’ve read about hobbies in other post (and many others), and I’d love for you to share yours and chat a bit about why you think we give them up. Personally, I stopped drawing; I think it was because I realized it wasn't productive or profitable. I started forcing myself to find ways to monetize it—like thinking about which drawings I could sell—and that completely blocked me.

I read a post where someone recommended figurative drawing; I thought about observational drawing and realized: "Hey, I used to love that!"

What hobbies do you have, and how do they make you feel? There’s something special—something internal—that I feel I’ve lost: that connection with oneself when doing something simply for yourself.

Ive been manic for a few weeks and i feel the dread of knowing im about to crash.

What can i do? Im scared its going to be bad ill have to go back to hospital.

Coming out of a hypomanic phase where I blew through money I didn't have and sent way too many unhinged texts to people who did not need to hear from me at 3am. Now I'm back to baseline and the embarrassment is physical. Can't open my messages and can't check my bank account and the thought of running into anyone I interacted with makes me want to crawl out of my skin. The mood crash is one thing but the shame spiral is what really takes me out every single time. How do you guys forgive yourself for the stuff you did when your brain was on fire.

Has anyone experienced weight gain from taking only 2mg of abilify? Or does the weight gain only happen at higher doses?

Am I doomed? My irritability and anger have gotten so out of control. I’m about to get fired from my job because I just snap on my coworkers. I just received my first write up after being there for 8 years for yelling at a manager in front of guests.

I apologized and signed the paper. It’s embarrassing and frustrating to say the least. So embarrassing, I’m going to quit when our season is done. I’m a good employee. I come to work, do my best and go home. This anger is not me. That write up feels like a dark cloud over me. Now I ruined my reputation.

Usually I’m a real laid back person, smiley, fun. But when I turned 38, I’ve been having increased anger issues. I’m 44 now and I’m struggling with controlling my anger. I try to catch myself before I blindly go into rage but it’s getting harder and harder to do so.

Anyone else going through this? Especially during this time of hormonal changes?

I’m working with my doctor, but by the time new meds and treatments work, it may be too late and I’ll end up in a bad situation because of my emotions are going haywire.

There was a time when I had a lot of money saved. I had worked hard, made good decisions, and felt secure knowing I had built a financial cushion for myself. I never imagined that one day I would see my bank account hit zero. At the time, it felt impossible that everything I had worked for could disappear. But life has a way of changing quickly, often in ways we never expect.

A combination of gambling, a manic episode, and a difficult breakup slowly unraveled everything I had built. Each challenge fed into the next, and before I fully understood what was happening, my savings were gone. Looking back, it's painful to think about the choices I made and the circumstances that contributed to them. There are moments I wish I could relive, decisions I wish I could change, and lessons I wish I had learned sooner.

Today, my account sits at $0. Strangely, though, I don't feel defeated. In fact, today is a good day.

I'm fortunate to still be living at home, which gives me the stability and support I need while I rebuild. I also have a fairly good job, and that means I have something incredibly valuable: the opportunity to start again. My savings may be gone, but my ability to earn, grow, and make better decisions hasn't disappeared.

For the first time in a long while, I'm choosing to look forward instead of backward. Hitting zero isn't the end of my story it's simply a new starting point. I've learned difficult lessons about mental health, impulsivity, relationships, and money that I wouldn't have understood otherwise. Those lessons are worth more than any balance I once had.

I never thought I'd see this day, but here I am. I'm still standing, I'm still working, and I'm still hopeful. Today isn't about what I've lost. It's about what I can build from here. And honestly, that gives me something to be grateful for.

I gained 50 pounds or so on abilify and risperadone. I'd rather be slim and manic. I also have body dysmorphia. Its not fair.

So we took my dosage from 400 to 600 3 days ago. I’m very tired, a bit of diarrhea and nausea. This morning I was woken up a big stomach ache, that goes from my stomach to my intestines. I took some paracetamol but it didn’t help much. I almost threw up twice, and it doesn’t seem to go away. I am also hot and cold with chills, but no fever. Should I worry ? My levels were 0,5 a month ago on 400mg, so I don’t think it could be toxic, right ? I just don’t want to miss work

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 just over 5years ago after a horrible manic episode at 47. Looking back at my life I wouldn’t say I showed major signs of bipolar and I went many, many years with absolutely no symptoms at all. Anyways, my husband had a 6month affair with someone20years younger than him and is blaming my bipolar! Attacking me at every opportunity. I have been stable and medicated the past 4years. He said to me last night in the most nastiest tone- Go take your yogurt and your medication, go to sleep, rinse and repeat the next day. It’s the sign of insanity!
I work full time!!
He’s become my worse nightmare! Telling me all the time I’m not fit to be around kids ( 16,16,18). Meanwhile, while he was having affair he was gone out of house from 8am- 9pm!
He says he’s moving out but I don’t believe him.
He was so supportive before this affair.
Why is he behaving like this and bringing up my bipolar at every opportunity? Telling me I’m crazy all the time!

45f, recently diagnosed with ADHD as well if that matters.

We know bipolar is a multidimensional spectrum disorder, but most often I see people here talking about classic mania/hypomania and rough depressions. I’ve only experienced “regular” hypomania and depression four times, and it was within the first few years of being diagnosed (I was diagnosed 26 years ago at age 19). It’s like I barely present as bipolar anymore, I just live life in some form of mixed state. Chronic hyperarousal with relentless insomnia, and smatterings of more uncomfortable anxiety and dysthymia depending on the season.

I function, in that I maintain relationships, hold down a corporate job, love on and raise my daughter, maintain relationships with family and a couple friends (never a long term partner). But the times of feeling like I can move beyond “technically functioning” to reliably enjoying the life I “technically function” in are few and far between. So like I said, it’s like I’m forever….mixed. Or is forever mixed just actually what “managed” bipolar is??

I recently changed providers and decided to test out whether tweaks to the medication stack I’ve been on for 20 years could help my brain feel more “normal” so I don’t have to spend all my energy just keeping it on the tracks. The toll of med trials and side effects and mood fragility during this process has me wondering if there’s even a point. Maybe my bipolar already was managed, and all of us are out here calling “looks good on paper” the win.

I am raging in anger because during my appointment my provider made no mention of weight gain and these appointments are expensive. 😭 I feel inconsolable and so upset because my provider knows about my history of eating disorder and body image issues. It's sending me into a rage, I'm impatient I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to gain weight. I'm not picking it up from the pharmacy. I already am 46 lbs up this year after a miscarriage and life events that have sent me into a depression. I've never felt worse.

22 M Bipolar 1 (mostly depressive symptoms)
I’ve ALWAYS been incredibly pro meds. I hate how I feel when I don’t take them and it’s genuinely undeniable how much they’ve helped me it’s been like night and day. And even while dealing with side effects I have genuinely never considered not being med compliant.
Until the other day. I missed a dose entirely on accident, felt horrible, got super depressed, hated my life, literally could not wait until the evening when I could take them again. And then the next day came and I still felt shitty, which is to be expected, my brains out of wack, I was sad but fine with that. And then yesterday I still was sad and my boyfriend came over to help me clean up my room and bring me food (he’s fantastic).
And for some reason, I was having a little freak out, I went to shower and I came back and he was very sweetly helping me get ready for bed, found my pajamas, got the bed ready, and then handed me my meds which I take every night. And then I just said no. I don’t even know where it came from. He was shocked by this cause like I said I’ve always. Been fine and happy to take them. He’s never had to convince me. He was nice but firm that I needed to take them before I went to bed. And I just kept fighting him on it. I don’t even know why. I just didn’t want to and I felt horrible because it was obviously upsetting him (he’s seen the transformation from how horribly depressed I was and has been telling me how nice it is to see me happy again) and I wanted to make him not upset but I just kept fighting him on it and I felt like an absolute asshole and this went on for a while until he started crying and I snapped back into reality and felt terrible and apologized immediately and took them.
I literally cannot come up with a reason for why I didn’t want to take them. I genuinely have horrible withdrawals when I don’t and i KNOW for a FACT how much better I feel when I take them. I just didn’t want to. I’m worried that the feeling is going to come back tonight and I won’t take them, he went home (he lives about 1-2hrs away depending on traffic) and he won’t be there to convince me, but also that is NOT his job in the first place and he shouldn’t have to. So far I feel like I want to take them but then again last night I was perfectly fine with taking them until I suddenly was not.
I feel horrible, I don’t want to put this on my boyfriend or myself. It’s not fair to him and I know it’s not fair to me either.
I don’t feel manic, I’ve been sleeping normally, I haven’t spent any money really, I don’t feel on top of the world. I’m depressed from missing a dose and getting all messed up from that but I can feel that going away as the days go on. So I really cannot understand why I suddenly had an intense aversion to them. I literally do want to be happy. I’m not even in some kind of hating myself and thinking I don’t deserve to be happy or wanting to stay in comfortable sadness sort of thing. I want to be happy, I have plans for the future, I have goals and aspirations that require the meds and I’ve literally been fine with that this whole time until now and I’m super freaked out because too many nights of this in a row and I can really really really fuck up my life.
Does ANYONE have ANY idea where this came from so I can try to stop it. I have therapy once a week and I had it yesterday before this happened. Unfortunately I’m uninsured temporarily right now and I absolutely cannot afford to have a session earlier, hence the reddit. I will absolutely be bringing this up when I see my therapist again, but I don’t want to crash out before then. Suggestions?

wasn’t sure what flair to put sorry
just posted here a little while ago but im not sure what im gonna do yet. im rlly struggling in a mixed episode and im scared soon if it gets worse or even not better im gonna have to make the call of getting assessed for an inpatient stay.
this is really hard for me. i was a frequent flyer of hospitals for a while, but its been almost two years now… and i have a stable job; im getting a certificate, getting my own place. Ive worked so so hard to get better and get my life together and going inpatient feels like that means none of that progress matters anymore. like im just the same kid who was in and out of the hospitals.
my therapist is out of town so idek if she can help me make this call if need be. i keep telling myself it isn’t that bad but i think i just am really scared to even consider going inpatient. idk how to cope anymore.
i just wanted to talk to people who might understand and maybe find some support. i don’t feel like anyone i know can truly understand what im going through even if they try. i appreciate you guys

I have been the type to have jobs that are very high strung and stressful. I always break down and have to quit. This year after my full breakdown I decided enough was enough and instead of focusing on a career I just decided to get a job to pay my bills.

I’ve always been in healthcare and loved it but I was always breaking down and stressed. My breaking point was watching my coworker with cancer have to work when she should’ve been home after chemo but couldn’t leave because the managers were simply…gone. We were short staffed and she had to sit there and struggle. I had a hate for my manager that was worrying. Couldn’t believe he made this woman work when she needed to be at home resting from Chemo but the only thing that mattered is the money.

I now work a work from home job where I work for a commercial insurance company. I just get them connected to an agent. It’s straight forward, I’m able to be at home, and don’t have to deal with work drama. The only thing was the pay cut and I did take a huge one. But I would rather work a job that pays lower and stay then work for high pay, be stressed, and eventually quick.

Has anyone decided to put a career on pause and instead do a low stress job? I just couldn’t handle it and with this job it’s so straight forward I finally have a piece of mind.

If you have a therapist, do you see them on Tele health? Personally, not having a car I think this is one of the greatest inventions around.

rid the hell out of my high and it’s always that last day where i feel the upsurge of erraticism, impulsivity & irritation-plagued euphoria; to immediately crash into crippling depression

#loveit #thecircleoflife #incompetent

I want to write a book about my experience with bipolar, being sick, the health system, involunarily treatment etc. I am a good writer and storyteller. But I am a little afraid what people close to me will think, like my grandparents for example, and how they would react to it. Anyone?

Hey! I was prescribed Olanzapine 5mg for my current manic episode I'm dealing with. I took my first dose at 1:30am. Quite late at night I know. The drowsiness caused me to sleep in until 3pm. I completely missed all I of my alarms. I usually wake up at 10am. I had something to eat and since then I've just been sleepy and so drowsy. I then slept again by accident with the TV on until now which is currently 7pm?!

Is this normal for the first dose? Will this eventually die out? I'm so worried because I have work tomorrow and I need to be awake for 8am. I'm still feeling so drowsy and weak, zombie like.

I take gabapentin now for alcoholism and I have some serious nerve damage from spinal fusion. I gained 25 lbs on gabapentin and am losing weight because I have half my dose. It helps with my anxiety, too, but has stopped with the nerve pain. She gave me 150mg twice a day of lyrica. Anyone switched and lose or gain weight.

I’m all cuddly and sleepy, laughing at everything. It’s nice being jovial for a change.

Hopefully this wears off in a few days though.