I'm finally, finally taking in what this sub has taught me along with r/enmeshment.. I haven't been active, but I do remember some core advices that I was told. And the biggest one is "boundaries are about what YOU will or won't do".

Implementing this is basically an entire life style change. Still working on it. But I'm slowly getting better. I'm curious what the final straw was for you guy that lead you to setting firm boundaries and sticking to them?

i’m happy to help a friend out every now and again but it gets to a point.

like have you ever traveled with an over-packer? i pack light, i sacrifice the comfort of having more than enough with me for the comfort of not having to lug around a million bags. but now i have to carry my bags and your extra bags because you needed 5 pairs of shoes and 27 outfits for our one week trip.

or like have you ever had a friend who’s just always in crisis. they can’t get along with your other friends. so and so hurt their feelings. a guy from hinge is ghosting them, plato’s closet didn’t accept their clothes… etc… just like pretty small things that they blow up in their mind and now need a weekly 4 hour call with you to help them cope. like we’re adults, figure your shit out. just like text me yk? and don’t lose your shit if i don’t respond immediately.

a or just idk being expected to help with everything all the time. i look forward to spending my weekend alone. solitude is a hobby to me and i take it very seriously. but most people don’t see solitude as a valuable use of time and will try to guilt trip you into doing stuff because “you’re not busy”. and then when you politely hold firm, some people will flip out and accuse you of hating them for the perceived rejection. my ex-best friend had an anxious attachment style and eventually treated me like we were in a relationship and i’m pretty sure i went insane. i’m still not over it if you can’t tell.

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

I am an healing avoidant, this relationship was very important to me as this is the first time where I actually started putting in efforts to actively heal myself. I have been dealing with the shame of being an avoidant and treating him not the way he deserves for the past 2 years. We are an LDR couple, we havent met in the last 6 momths. This time I tried my 100% for sure. But still it wasnt enough. He constantly kept telling how I’m severely lacking in vulnerability or emotional intimacy. I constantly kept beating myself up over it every day, over and over. Yesterday was the last nail in the coffin, I had went to a movie with my friends, the previous night I had studied late night till 3 am. I wished him when he went to bed, but didnt text him when I WENT to bed. Well, I didnt feel like it, dont know why, maybe its because im constantly working throughout the day followed by studying and those 2-3 hours after he sleeps is the only time where its just books and me. There was a fight, he just dumped months of issues that he hasnt mentioned to me. It was very overwhelming, i tried to sustain it. He finally broke off with me. I dont know what to do. Feels like my whole world is shattered. I feel that All these therapy sessions over the 2 years are useless. He said im only helping myself to fix myself and not helping him to understand me. I can see his point of view. I empathize with him. I wouldnt say i was the greatest partner. But it definitely hurt a lot. I have not been taking care of myself, ignoring my own needs. Made sure to meet his needs, but i cant stop hearing the ‘you are not enough’ sentence 24 x 7. I feel awful that im this way. I wish i wasnt like. Its so awful , Ive been crying my heart out. This morning he texted me saying, i thought you would fight for us, come talk to me, but that didn’t happen, its only just me coming back to you. I felt so awful. Will i ever be happy? Or enough? Pls help me. What should I do. I want to be enough. I want to love.

Share your wins and successes here!

What resources do you guys use for healing? Almost everything seems geared at anxious attachers, and the resources I do find are usually based in the anxious/avoidant relationship. But I would love to find a podcast or book that leaned into how avoidant attachers can heal their underlying trauma. Preferably by someone within the avoidant space who has done the work.

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

Share your wins and successes here!

so i read that journaling is good for identifying, naming, and processing emotions, but i’ve been journaling consistently for two months and it honestly feelings more like just reporting my day. i always throw in how i felt throughout the day, but they come so rarely that it’s mostly just a list of my day’s activities. has anyone else had this problem? or does anyone have any suggestions on how to get the most out of this practice? i’d appreciate any input on this, thanks.

Is anyone down to talk one-on-one about avoidance related problems? I would love to connect with someone who has been in similar situations

My dm’s are open, i’d love to help one another

For reference, I’m 21F, dismissive avoidant

I had a really great first relationship that lasted almost 4 years, but when it was clear that she’s gonna move out of the country for an unknown amount of time, I seemingly lost all feelings. (Now I know that I deactivated, I just didn’t know that I was avoidant at that time or what that even meant)

This was 3 years ago, we even had a really reassuring talk earlier this year where I explained what had actually happened and where I got the chance to properly apologize. She appreciated it and said that it changes nothing about the fact that she doesn’t want to be friends because the breakup was pretty fucked from my side. I didnt expect to get her back with that talk, I just wanted a chance to come clean and hear her opinion which I did and I’m really grateful for!

My problem is that I feel like I can’t feel the satisfaction I want in every other relationship that I’ve had after her. I want to break my patterns but I’m grieving what could’ve been with her, while also always keeping a part of my heart open for her JUST incase she does want to try again some time in the future.

I try to be happy with what I have but no matter if i’m single or in a relationship, it feels really frustrating and hard.. I want to seek therapy but haven’t found anything affordable yet lately.

Does anyone have any tips on how to stop these awful thinking patterns?? (Of awfully comparing everyone I’m seeing to my first love experience; of how to enjoy the present more rather than romanticize the past)

I’m aware my healing process is delayed because I’ve just pushed it down until earlier this year but still.. any words are appreciated! Even if it’s just to hear there’s people who can sorta relate even?

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

TL;DR: what kind of systems, tools, processes, and/or apps are you using to stay on top of friendship admin?

I attended a wedding recently, and I was so touched by the thought and detail that the couple put into everything. They truly cared for the individual well-being of their guests, including sweet handwritten notes on everyone's plate (they made me cry twice--once for mine, and once reading my partner's). It was a beautiful ceremony, and, because we have a ton of mutual friends, it was like a reunion party. Between the couple's thoughtfulness and my friends all expressing to me that they feel like they haven't seen much of me in the past few years (which is true), I left with an intention to better nurture my friendships.

Intention is one thing, and action is another. I need a system in place to reinforce the intention on a regular basis, and I'd love to know how others are managing their relationships. Obviously, no spreadsheet or app is going to magically overcome a fearful avoidant attachment style, but repeated positive interactions should help me to inch closer to being secure in my relationships. Plus, I'm an extrovert at heart, but I don't have social media, so all my interactions have to come from my own inertia. I just have a lot of fear and anxiety about taking the actions needed to foster emotional intimacy.

At work, I use calendar reminders and blocking for follow ups, but the scale of that may be difficult to replicate in my personal life. I'm looking for a way to help with the day to day admin of a friendship--birthday reminders, notifications if you haven't talked in a while, reminders to follow up on things, and maybe even things they like so you can make tailored plans or buy gifts to let them know you're thinking of them. I know I sound like a robot and a failure of a human here, but obviously relying on my own brain is not working.

Please let me know what tools, systems, and tips you have for keeping up with your friendships!

As far back as I can remember I never really wanted kids. I didn’t play with baby dolls as a child and as a teenager I told everyone I would never have children, lol. It’s only in the last few years I’ve started to consider it, and am very much on the fence. I’m in a relationship with someone I can see myself with for the rest of my life, and he does want children. I’m only 23 so a decision doesn’t need to be made right now, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

I just feel like a lot of the reasons I have against having children are similar to the fears I have in relationships that are related to my avoidance - loss of independence, fear of regret, fear that I’ll change my mind later on. I don’t want to make a decision based on fear or avoidance. But I don’t really know how to separate my avoidance from this decision either, and trying to trust my “intuition” hasn’t always led me down the right path in the past. Wondering about how other avoidants have handled it.

Share your wins and successes here!

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

Share your wins and successes here!

Wasn't sure what tag to use. Just curious how this is for others. What are the smaller more subtle ways avoidance appears for you?

For example, I resist suggestions that I know are actually good for me just because I feel like it interrupts my sense of agency. It's silly, but I do it.

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁