Ouch 💀. That one always stings. Just don't comment on people's bodies its that simple. They don't understand that to me "healthy" means obese

Is anyone else with anorexia really sensitive to people joking about other people’s weight or how much they’re eating? For example, when they use the term “big back”. Like, it’s supposed to be funny, but when someone says it jokingly to another person—even if said person laughs and it genuinely means nothing bad to them—I go very quiet & SO internally upset for that person.

I've suffered from anorexia since I was 12, im 17 now. Before hand, I had a binge eating issue. I am an openly trans man, too, and I recently opened up to a cis friend about my disordered thoughts and how they coencide with my gender dysphoria.

I have a bad thought constantly about how if I lose enough weight I'll look like a man. Im extremely short and curvy, but with all the weight ive lost i can make my chest less visible and my face is less feminine and chubby. I told my friend about this issue and how ive been relapsing so the thought is becoming much harder to ignore, and immediately they hit me with the:

"Men aren't skinny tho. It just makes you look more girly :^^"

It caught me off guard and I told them that that isnt entirely true because a lot of men have very toned figures and skinny frames, and they just told me I am finding excuses.... what??? Whaaaat????

I immediately stopped the conversation and moved on to talking about their band class, but the thoughts been with me all day. In addition, later on they texted me an image of a redbull and a pack of gum and said "dinner!! <33"....... mind you they've never sent me pictures of their meals before, and I KNOW they KNOW that is not a meal.

I don’t know how I will be able to leave the house when the weather warms up if I look like this? It’s winter now so I can cover up. My legs aren’t that bad, but my boobs are gone, you can see my ribs and my arms are by far the worst. They are bony with loose skin and huge veins. Everyone will look at me and nobody will want to be seen with me. What to do?

Until you can’t wear any clothes that show your chest, your legs, your arms or your back because it’s unappealing. I have no ass, lost all my leg muscles and have no boobs anymore. I love expressing myself through my clothes, and yet I find myself stuck for options because I don’t want all people to see is an anorexic or sick person. It’s crazy how one minute I’ll suddenly see my body for how sick I really am, the next it’ll go back to thinking I’m too big. I think the more I’m trying to expand my life away from the illness, the more I can see anorexia as a burden and a hindrance to who I really am and want to be. I want to experience life, experience relationships, be attractive, be free to express myself however I want to and not be confined into the bubble anorexia forces you into. A shallow experience of life, a life of wasting time and loosing out. Even if life is meaningless, I want to experience life for all it can be.

Yet I’m still stuck, genuinely what will it take to let me be free. Does anyone else struggle with this now that they’ve tried to see beyond an eating disorder? In the past I never wanted to get out, now I think I do in some ways, but other ways I still feel stuck.

Idk why this happens😭 and food seems so desirable but then when i finally eat, it tastes so tasteless😭

Does anyone else feel so invalid in their anorexia because they binge?
My friend who also has anorexia, and doesn’t know I struggle with binging, told me she doesn’t understand binging and she’s never ever experienced it, and it made me feel like such a faker.

Although my bmi is classified as extremely underweight, I still feel like im not sick enough bc I still get my period. I have been told I should not at this weight, & ofc i know its a good thing that I still do, but the disease tells me I am not sick enough until it stops. Can anyone else relate?

my last relationship i was in my ex gave me "tips,, to gain muscle, which turned out to.. not be the best. he said it was bc he was worried about me losing strength but he also said HEAVY TW; that if i did xyz i could be whatever i wanted to be. i genuinely can't tell if this was him showing care or abuse? im really sorry if i come across as stupid, my brain just can't trust itsself.

For a year between 13 and 14, I had severe anorexia, so much so that I was genuinely skeletal. My doctor entirely failed to refer me to the eating disorder clinic, so I was this weight for like 5 months straight, and slightly better in the months between the start of my ed and recovery.

It's obviously been years since, but I feel my body hasn't really changed all that much since my recovery, even though I'm much healthier now. I have a ridiculously flat chest, and no curves or thighs, and if I ever gain weight it just goes to my stomach.

If somebody else has been in a similar situation, can you tell me whether you eventually developed any shape at all, or if I ruined my chance at actually looking like my age rather than still a thirteen year old child at 18. Thank you!!

One way my partner has indirectly/accidentally enabled my ED is through calling me tiny when I was thinner, and still saying it now when I’m a higher weight, even though I am not tiny anymore.

I find myself getting genuinely mad and upset when we go out to eat and my friend will say actually i dont want anything or just an appetizer or we go to an ice cream store and once we get there ill ask what youre getting and be excited for it and then she'll say oh i dont want anything
This isnt about one particular person but any time this happens i get actually so annoyed and have to make myselfcalm down and not snap at my friends. Its genuinely not personal i know that but it feels like a betrayal when i think we are getting food together and then at the last second they say nvm
Does anyone else experience this

this shit is sneaky. it creeps up on you. especially relapses. lets say you were doing great in recovery, but one day you notice, really notice how your body looks and feels. and you don't like it. so you decide to start eating a little lighter. it's only a little less. not a huge deal.

but its not coming off fast enough. next thing you know you're engaging in your old behaviors and didnt realize. your head is now full of self deprecating thoughts and constant fretting about size. weight. whatever. what used to be thoughts about "once i grow up, once i move out, once i start school" are now thoughts about how "once im x weight, once i lose x pounds, once i fit into these." and youre wondering if you have a problem again.

even though you're not eating AS little as you used to, you're still lying in bed trying to sleep through hunger pangs. i swore i wasnt going to relapse, but im worried that i did and didn't notice. im working on fixing my brain again but i didnt expect to have to.

today is the 1 year anniversary of when i first chose recovery and somehow im sliding backwards.

If you have food in your kitchen you don’t like do you use it up for financial reasons or just throw it away?
At the moment I have powdered milk and molasses which I don’t like the taste of, however I don’t know how I feel about throwing food away, but also if I spend my calories on something I don’t like I’ll never get the time back.

TW - I’m just struggling a bit, active ED

I’m on vacation and have been for the past few days and I have so many leftovers in the fridge and I’ve already had not a lot of cals for today (I won’t say the number)and it’s 7:30 PM. I feel so bad throwing them out because we have to leave tomorrow but I already feel so overwhelmed and am kinda crying because I’m thinking about how I’ll have to go back to work for a few weeks then school and with this eating stuff thrown in it all just feels like so much, you know?

And my part time job I’m on my feet the entire time and interacting with customers, carrying things, cleaning, making food, and I know I’m not eating enough to feel strong enough to do that but I can’t just eat more. I feel like I’m ruining my life and I’m “only” 20 but I already feel like I’ve messed it all up.

I kinda want to eat more today but the thought of doing that makes me so overwhelmed and part of me is screaming at me for even thinking that I could eat today after everything. And all of my friends are here and instead of spending time with them, I’m isolated and crying.

Hello! As the title suggests, I am reaching out to see if anyone has recommendations for hospitalization or inpatient units for medical stabilization regarding anorexia? Or residential programs that accept low BMIs.

I’ve looked at ACUTE & ERC Denver; ACUTE & ERC seem to be abusive, so I’m wondering if there are any alternatives in the US that were better for any of you?

Also just wanting to know about the programs, their treatment, day schedule, meals & choices, packing lists, etc.

The equivalent of how much I eat not ever showing up on the scale is messing with my head - kind of makes all mad. I feel like I'm playing peekaboo. Sure, it temporarily increases, but it always comes back down. This happens even if the binge phases last for weeks without a break.

I don't even know why I'm so frustrated / angry. Isn't this what I want - for my weight not to go up?

right now i'm in a chocolate phase where the only thing i want to eat is chocolate, last week it was bread and cheese, before that it was icecream, before that it was meat, before that it was strawberries and pancakes, etc etc

i just get fixated on foods and i can't stomach eating anything else, then i eventually get sick of it and move on to something else

so basically im sick, ive just accepted it at this point and ive tried to recover but its too hard for me right now because of some other stuff going on in my life right now, i just need recommendations and like suggestions for fixing the constipation. like i get that it’s because there’s not enough calories going in and all of that but i just need a solution even if it’s temporary because ive tried everything and i don’t want to go to the doctor

Some of the ways it has impacted me:

- I don’t like to be intimate if I have eaten, and I have avoided or rejected intimacy during times that I had eaten prior to the intimate offer.

- I am long distance with my partner, so I feel the need to fast and prepare my body (like slimming down for an event) before we see each other, so that I can somewhat tolerate my body and be open to intimacy.

- I was my lowest weight when we were intimate for the first time, so I now chronically compare myself to that time.

- My partner expressed concern for my health after our first time being intimate, and I felt deeply rejected.

- I only feel physically horny if I am very thin and recently fasted, otherwise it’s just indifference and the desire to connect (but not the desire for sex)

TW: if you’re good in recovery or about to don’t read this, because I’m kinda negative towards the whole system and deep down I know they’re in the right, but my mind is fucked up and I’m pissed!!! I am really desperate, and I know you will say “they’re right”, because yes they are but I am really scared.

I had an appointment at the psychiatric ward today and I don’t know what I expected. I expected we would talk about my OCD and nothing else, but I got tricked. I have been so good at “controlling” these conversations, but not this time, sigh.

She started talking about my medicine (for background I have ADHD and autism, and newly diagnosed with OCD and anorexia). I take Ritalin for my ADHD and have done it for years, I have always had disorders thoughts about my body and eating, but it always shifted between “overeating” (I like sweets alot), purging, but mostly restrictive eating. I also have had long periods of time where the body and food was in the background and didn’t take over my mind. I didn’t care and was happy, a few times it popped up, but mostly a good long period without having a disordered mind.

Anyway, I didn’t gain or lose weight due to my medication and my ed “came back” in december where I lost alot of weight due to a wisdom tooth removal, but also struggling with work and personal stuff. So I didn’t lose weight due to my medicine! I tried telling her this like 2 times, saying you weighted me back then and everything was good (I have tried not to bring it up, and I really hoped they wouldn’t bring it up, I didn’t wanna sound desperate, but oh boy.. and they even mentioned in the beginning that they wouldn’t just take my medicine away from me without talking with me), BUT today it felt like they already decided and I’m pissed.

I am really stubborn and I felt like she didn’t care, and she said because I am so uw they have thought about changing the medicine, I again tried convincing her I didn’t lose weight due to the medicine and I am not deathly uw, it isn’t as dramatic as she makes it to be. Then she said THEY think it’s alarming AND my compulsions is very concerning, plus again if I’m that uw they need to change the medicine. I’m so pissed.
I rather they helped me with my OCD and not only focusing on what I eat and medicine, but she said they will help me with that, but the main focus is that I get a healthier mind with food and my body, because they can’t go all in with the other stuff if my brain isn’t properly fueled :))

I then finally said I am scared to start a new medicine due to side effects (that’s a lie, it’s only due to weight gaining) and she asked me which side effects and I accidentally fucking said “like gaining weight”, I shouldn’t have said that and I feel like she made a trap for me to fall into. I feel like she wanted me to say it so they have a better reason for taking the medicine away from me. I feel like she saw right through me and I’m so pissed.

Idk what I expected, I made up in my mind that I am not that sick, so it would go nice and slow and the focus will be on my OCD, not ed or medicine. I’m so fucking stupid.

Lastly she said if I continue this path they have the right to forcibly commit (Idk if I’m using the right words, english isn’t my first language) and I’m more pissed, because I didn’t knew they could do that to an adult. She also asked if I knew I was sick, what does that even mean? Like yes and no, but not that sick. My doctor said it herself, not in that wording, but it was similar to I’m not sick enough soooo…

Idk I have never been so angry before, but I was good at hiding it. I’m not just saying this for attention, but I’m really not that uw, so I feel like they’re overreacting and I’m mad! Did I say I was pissed? I can’t even cry because I’m so angry. I don’t want them to take my medicine away from me and I don’t want to gain, I think I’m at a healthy weight even tho my BMI says otherwise, but looking in the mirror I look normal, sometimes even jiggly on my legs. I am so pissed. I miss my other psychologist, she was more kind but maybe I was stupid and thought I tricked her, because sometimes she would just answer with “mmh” and maybe she also saw right through me. I regret I searched help and told them so many details (thanks alot ADHD), but I also want help. Idk what to do. I’m scared. I don’t look skinny at my uw, I look fat at my nw because my body is kinda fucked up build and I hate everything. I wish I waited till I reached my gw, but my gw keeps going down and when I hold my calorieintake I am never satisfied, like it’s so stupid. I will never be satisfied. Everytime I eat I feel guilty, even if I ate was fucking air.

Please any advice, not medical advice, but tell me it’s gonna be okay or something. I can’t talk with my bf about this right now.

Update: I want to fucking scream, I just read my journal and she said I agreed that I need medicine for my OCD AND changing medicine for my ADHD, I never fucking agreed. I never said yes. I only said I was scared and that it helped me atm. Ffs!! I am screwed. And then it says at the end that I show servere symptoms of anorexia and OCD, how can she say that out of the first conversation we have? Arghhhh

Omg and also that they need to talk with my doctor about everything including my medicine and also make a plan about weighting me, “meal plan” etc. it’s going too fast, I’m not ready!! I’m more frustrated now than I was before!! Yikes

Been seeing her since about 2021. I’ve been in and out of recovery. I’ll dip a toe in (at one point a whole foot) and take it back out.

My therapist, who specializes in EDs, called me the fuck ouuuut dude

We’re going over goals regarding meals/eating but I somehow had completely steered the conversation away from anything relating to the food goals.

She said’ “…So about the food goals…? You tend to change the subject shortly after we begin talking about that.”

I just wasn’t cognizant of the fact that I was doing that… but it’s true. I realized I do it at home too. Like, “Whatcha making?” … ohhh nothing but HOW WAS UR DAY?!?!

Like… fuckin hell. Who knows how long I’ve been doing that for 😭